The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Seventy Five

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

We got some good cogs in the 'zone in this addition and we got a birthday boi coming up on a big number. The Flash is off to Toronoto for the Justin F*cking Lounges Festival (JFL) and it's gonna be hot. Most importantly however, we hear from our pals. Some even have gifts from AOL's ancient email service!Please use the post office. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

well it's the friend zone with tim and guy come to the friend zone and have a good time yes it's the friend zone with tim and guy because making friends is the best idea of all time uh hi hi everybody it's the friend zone with me and him uh the two podcast hosts who shall not be named The two podcast hosts who shall not be named for if their names are said aloud one more fucking time on this stream, bad things will happen. Hey, everyone. It's me, Guy Montgomery. I'm going to go by Billy Top Hat. Billy Top Hat today.

Can I recommend a different name, Billy Top hat no you can't i recommend you go by the name tim bat absolutely not it is forbidden okay i will call you thusly here forth you're gonna call me thusly here forth yeah it's fucking cool. I like that. Okay, I will do my best to call you Thustley Hereforth for the remainder of this. How are you, my friend? Please address me by my first or second name. How are you, Mr. Hereforth? Pretty, pretty good.

In a slight hurry, because we were supposed to record about an hour ago but otherwise good keen to jump into a mailbag keen to what it was just you know like obviously we're running late but you don't need to drag everyone into our business you know i will for it is thusly's uh want there's no action there. Well, Mr. Hereforth, I object, sir. What's happening with you, Guy? You're on the other side of planet Earth today. Not a lot, man.

I just went out and had some dinner and caught up with a friend of ours, Daniel. Daniel who, Guy? Daniel Sloss. Ever heard of him? He's on Netflix now, everyone. He's a big cog in the machine. Yeah, he is. He's a huge cog in the machine of cogs.

Hasn't done a lot for him professionally, but that man is climbing the cog ladder faster than any cog I've seen. He was in good spirits. We had a good time. I've got a very early flight tomorrow morning to Toronto for JFL 42. That stands for Justin fucking lounges, which is a festival where a guy named Justin has handpicked,

he's curated just a set of couches, chaise lounges, and really comfortable beds. Guy's an invited guest this year, which, I mean, fuck, man, that's pretty cool. It's nice to be asked, isn't it? Overdue, I am known for comfortably lounging in various different clothes and settings. And so, it's nice to finally be acknowledged. in various different clothes and settings and so it's nice to finally be acknowledged if you do want to watch me on various different chaise lounges or chairs bean bags floors cushions pillows there is a difference uh just look up jfl42 and uh follow your nose but uh i mean i'm good i'm gonna be wearing this in the morning is what I'm saying. And I am responsible for the lateness.

But what are you going to do? You know, friends will be late sometimes. I think we're ordinarily punctual enough with one another to know that there's a mutual respect. I am late way more often than you are. So, if it was a credit system, you know. Which it isn't. I'd still be in debt. So, if it was a credit system, you know. Which it isn't.

I'd still be in debt. I'm going to whip right into the mailbag, Guy. I thought you never would, Tim. But before I do, just undoing that completely, we said this on the last Friend Zone, but I cannot recommend highly enough that you tune into um the last patreon that we did which is available for all five dollar plus subscribers right now and we will excuse me put on the stream at some point soon uh you know soon ish we have no commitment to put those out in a timely fashion uh someone's given us 30 dollars and they've said cogs cogs i want cogs i hadn't even pre-read that before i made the mention of daniel sloss uh it comes to us from western australia

and they've put an address but at the top instead of a name it just says cogs cogs so thank you so much for that donation uh cogs cogs well it's nice to know that the cog industry is thriving as well it should be i think i've found this person's message as well would you like to hear it yeah hello tim hi guy let me start by saying august was hard for me in friendzone 70 or thereabouts to announce the end of your deal with stitcher and the uh imminent re-availability of season one uh-oh uh having boarded the worst idea of all time expressed toward the end of season three this news made me visibly aroused in the last month the swelling of anticipation has been painful to sustain and each day it reduced giving way little by little to a

smoldering fury i had pain in my heart and pain in my pants. All that changed in your last friend zone. Not only did it have one of the finest sign-offs from Guy I've ever heard, to let us all know he's working hard on revamping the old content, I am now grotesquely virile again. My wife comes home before nightfall once more, and the olive harvest will be bountiful this year. Jesus.

I doubted you, good good boys and i'm ashamed the burning vinegar of unfulfilled expectations has been emptied from my cup and the hot mile of humility now runneth over its broom and boy i am keen to take a sip as a uh just as a point of pride i finished season two in five days my first foray into podcasts and have been addicted ever since thank you for the gift that keeps giving uh then the kind of stops then starts giving again very soon i'm sending you a few cashews and if you ever have much uh if i ever have too much money i will bankroll grown-ups three forcing you both out of retirement shares boys never cease your craft of which you are masters hugs kisses cocaine and cogs charlie

fucking heck well this charlie sounds like a real dude you know one of the l dude brothers is that the sound the dudes make that's the sound of the l dude brothers there is simply no denying it hi guys last podcast on the left just did a two-parter on the donna party which i think is maybe america's most intense old-timey act of cannibalism a key player in this story happened to be a james reed and all i could think of was james reed spelt slightly differently from the feelers i know you guys are done with we are your friends but if your funny brains can figure out a way to add a bit of James Reid mythos involving old-timey pioneers that are also cannibalistic DJs,

I would die laughing. I'm pretty sure I know what's in the MacBook box now. Love you, Kiwis. Laura King. Two very separate but distinct and powerful thoughts right next to each other towards the end of that message. You would have seen my reply to Laura. Yeah, you said,

I wish I was more like Guy. Jeez, he seems nice. I'm so high on heroin right now. I don't know what else to say. I listened to those episodes yesterday and cracked up. Holy shit, what a harrowing story, huh? Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha. Ha. Oh, it's two truths and one lie with my man, Guy Montgomery, this evening. I tell you what, he's all over the show. You've used the clown emoji over 40 times this doesn't seem like appropriate correspondence tim but i do see that you've written back or your version of writing back to laura so thank you laura what a

wonderful message the last podcast on the left i'm a big fan of their work uh it is such a good show and that donna party double double i think it was two might have been three-parter oh oh my goodness my ears pricked up at the mention of james reed too but the the the shit that went down guy montgomery and i believe it i believe it man i got no reason to doubt it you know that you know me people got eaten tim you know me you can trust me man and they were so close they were so close to pulling it off they were trying to get from one part of america to the other like oregon trail style at the time when that was appropriate i think it was like the early 1800s maybe and man what a absolute calamity it was uh which resulted in much death and just an absolute degradation of human behavior bad times but a great lesson uh but you hate to see that don't you

cannibalism yeah you just hate you hate to see that, don't you? Cannibalism. Yeah, you hate to see that. You do. Especially in the workplace. It's the last place you need that. Cannibalism in the workplace. Someone sent a message five days ago. I forgot what it says, but I did reply to it at the time saying, this is the funniest shit I've seen all week.

So let's delve in. Howdy ho, spindly, spindly timbly wimbly and guy the mountain of comedy i thought that maybe with the first season of the worst idea rolling back into the feed i bet actually do you know i'm gonna hit pause on this guy because i feel like i should address this and uh i should also address um our man charlie like i'm. Like, we need to stop mentioning stuff unless it is about to go out. So I'm sorry for that. It's bad. Sometimes things take a bit longer than they should. When's that going out?

Do we, a.k.a. you, know? No, okay. So should we not address it at all then? Well, I'm just saying temper your raging boners. It won't be far away, but that's obviously not a distinct amount of time. I'm working hard to try and get out here as quick as possible. Short and shallow in between my legs, my fella. Weird.

So the body of this message says, I thought that maybe with the first season of worst idea rolling back into the feed you might be getting more fan mail again soon and just maybe you wouldn't want them being sent to your personal email account so i took the liberty of putting this together for you now i remember what this is i present worst idea pod at aol.com so uh this gentleman who's gotten in touch guy has has made an email an aol email address for us and sent us the password which is humorous i will share it with you after also did you know that you need to provide a valid phone number to make an aol account these days since yours isn't public information like your private email account

or guy's credit card information i had to use my own so that's probably buried in your profile in your profile somewhere i'm trusting you to be good boys and kind boys and i don't know i guess you can give me a ring if you're ever in raleigh north carolina kisses and wishes christopher he hasn't specified if he wants his last name out there so i'm going to make a judgment call and say yes he does metzger thanks christopher that is such a great gift yeah that is a wonderful gift and tim really good instincts i often think if someone doesn't specify if they want explicit personal details shared with the broader public that's usually a soft yes at least there's nothing worse than accidentally upsetting someone by not saying their whole name that's usually a soft yes, at least. There's nothing worse than accidentally upsetting someone by not saying their whole name.

What do you think is more likely, people feeling left out because we didn't say their last name or being furious or sad at the invasion of privacy of us putting your last name out? If we're doing our job correctly tim 50 50 very good hey timbo and guy guy i recall a few months back tim was saying if if someone wanted to do a best of season two and three they should has anyone done that yet if yes we're gonna get a hold of it if no i plan to re-listen to the entire potty once season one is available again

and will take it upon myself to do so despite knowing nothing about editing of any kind this has motivated me to click on this man's private uh account on facebook as we've been messaged and um are you getting a sense it's a guy who can learn quickly the skills of editing? I'm getting a sense that he's enthusiastic. There's no doubting that. He's also handsome and muscly. Not a lot of tells on his ability to edit.

Anyway, it continues. Guy, I'm taking an hour-long train ride and a 24-minute walk to come see you on september 25 in toronto this man's gonna come and watch me throw myself upon an ottoman um i'm bringing my old man who knows nothing about you or the potty but loves to laugh i'd be honored to buy you a beer after or even to just shake your hand tim do you have any plans to come to toronto anytime soon you know i'm sure the sentiment is pure but it feels tacked on it does doesn't it but i like that he's made the effort to try and include me

yeah i wish you were in toronto tim i uh i miss your friendship thanks for the laughs can't wait to experience it all again overlooked and undercooked was great and i can't wait for season two live every moment love every day and they haven't used their name at all and so it will remain a mystery save it to say his name His name rhymes with Flake Boris. Blake Morris? No, but, I mean, you're not a million miles away. I don't think you masked that as well as you thought you did in the moment. Well, you got it wrong, so who's to judge? Oh, did I? Okay, cool.

That's good to hear. I'm glad. You're going to be performing on an Ottoman. Wow, I'm at this furniture expo i know i'm gonna fucking do my best to sell some of the goddamn furniture yeah bloody i i no no in in the spirit of genuinely promoting myself i'm doing five solo stand-up comedy shows around my show from this year guy montgomery doesn't check his phone for an hour how does the stand-up nature of the comedy sort of click into the lounge nature of the rest of the festival is it one of those things where sort of stand up as the name but you will be you will be spread on an ottoman well i can't remember the name of the not proprietor but the

founder of the festival. What was it? Justin fucking Phalanges or something? Lounges? No, it's just Justin. Justin fucking Lounges. Yeah. Well, you know, I can see what his intentions for the festival were,

and they were pure. I mean, the idea of laughing in comfort is as appealing to me as it is the next man. But from what I've heard from some of the other performers and punters going along uh this is not a good festival for comedy this is certainly a good festival for lounging it's very comfortable place to be but uh by way of consuming comedy i mean the sheer number of sleeping pills you have to take to get into the venue tim would knock out a rhinoceros, let alone an ordinary-sized person. Such a good thing there's so much seating around.

I guess it's not such a good thing. It's all planned, isn't it? It's all of a piece. Not a lot for the punters. Oh, they stand. This is the cruelest element of the festival. They stand. You have more furniture than you could possibly spread yourself across, but that's not your decision, you know. I don't sign the checks.

Was there a second bit coming to that or was that it? Just I don't sign the checks. That's my new sort of conclusive statement I make with respect to anything. A bit of a catchphrase. I like having a catchphrase ending on an upward inflection suggesting there's more but just sort of walking away you're gonna leave a lot of people curious i don't write the checks it does leave you wanting quite a substantial amount more uh What have you got for us? Crowded house. What?

I was encouraging you to start reading, but you followed your nose and here we are. Quarter of a second off. If there was literally no delay on this call, I reckon we'd be nailing it. Dear Tim Finn of Crowded House and Geothermal Geyser. That's you, guy. You're the geyser. I've been smashing the podcast over the last few

months since discovering it and i'm up to the fourth i'm up to the fourth and director's commentary episode of season three oh i see the fourth and director's commentary of season three oh boy you are good boys and you're brave boys but you aren't always clever boys i sincerely hope there wasn't some kind of permanent psychological damage after this obscene experiment, for it would surely ruin the immense joy it's brought me. I can't thank you enough for the podcast. I've had a brutal few months,

and it's been a real delight returning to my boys for more fun when I've needed a pick-me-up. And Guy Montgomery, you're not a real piece of shit. You're a bloody legend. Tim, you're a real bloody legend too. I thought he was going to call you a piece of shit. You're a bloody legend. Tim, you're a real bloody legend too. I thought he was going to call you a piece of shit. Oh, no. No.

And it's a she. It's Kate. I give you this. Moi. And there's a kissy face. For a kiss is always a gift. No, you're a bloody legend. Kate said so.

And that's from Kate Medley. Or Medley. I think is how you'd say it oh fuck kate thank you so much that was such a wonderful message that actually uh that one really got me then i felt very warmed which is a good feeling do you think the first reign of the ottoman empire started at like the first iteration of this festival and at one point ottomans outnumbered people and that's how they they reigned for 600 years just a pure numbers game it's like what's happening with ai now right like there we are struggling away trying to build the

things trying to build all these ottomans or ottoman as i believe the plural the plural is and then suddenly we've got all these um beautiful decorative chairs around and they start to realize that they now outnumber humans and when they start to sort of unionize and rise up you know they form the ottoman empire is that history uh it's certainly a version of history i call me a traditionalist struggle to believe that any amount of furniture lest it be both sentient and uh not vindictive but certainly with a passion for justice or vengeance i just feel like you know humans win that's just how it is do you think but well i mean you know i don't know what technology is inside of this furniture tim so i can't say that 100 but here's what i believe

happened to the dinosaurs i think we were there at the same time god willed us all into being we're all hanging out and then we made too many kitchen tables and the kitchen tables were strong enough to take out humans or so they thought and then they they fully wiped out the dinosaurs but there was an underground band of people left who were hiding out, and they created fire, and then they wiped out all the tables, and then humanity reigned. Tables, maybe.

Place-specific tables? I'm starting to ask questions oh like kitchen specific tables how can a kitchen table exist before a kitchen tim kitchens have been around since the dawn of time just like humans and dinosaurs there's never been a time before kitchens um well yeah i mean according to your bloody story they've been around at least as long as tables slightly longer in fact i'd say so i don't want to i don't want to be negative but i just i would like to cast my aspersions at your theory i struggle to believe that a person would ever lose anything to a table if you see tables used in wrestling, Tim,

are they usually announced the winner? Not anymore because they've learned humility. But there's little clues. There's little clues to their powerful reign. You know how like in casinos they refer to it as the table, table wins? That's for the casino. That's coded language. What do you mean, coded language?

Well, when they say that the table wins, they actually mean the house. Yeah. And when they're talking about a house, it's not even like the money goes to a family. It goes to the fucking casino. These guys are monsters. Goddamn, casinos have defeated us.

Hi, Gimintai. I'm murking. That's not the word that this author has used. Stick with it. I would like to apologize. Stick it out. I'm murking my way through the podcast again, and there's something I never heard mentioned in season two.

I know this dark and terrible time is far behind you, so I hope you don't mind my raising this question. I've not subjugated myself to the film, but in the scene where the manservant opens the gal's mail in Abu Dhabi, aren't they on vacation? Aren't they only in the United Arab Emirates for less than a week? Do they not have mailboxes and or semi-competent husbands and or housekeepers that can store or handle mail

for the few days the gals are out of the country? How long does it take to send letters to Abu Dhabi from the US? Big fan of the podcast. Thanks for the laugh and friendship. The laughs. And I can't make that clear enough. Their words or your correction? Both.

Their words and my correction. I see. The insinuation is that this person has laughed many times at what we've said. P.S. insinuation is that this person has laughed many times at what we've said ps have you presumably belated by the time you read this birthday to guy guy i love that because the assumption is this was sent uh last week and the assumption is that it would not be read until sometime next week but we've got you four days isn't it oh no five days i forgot that your day is different to my day it's on the 29th of september here's the thing about that everybody you gotta wish guy happy

birthday any way that you can send us an email to uh what was it again worst i i think worst idea pod at aol.com let me just double check the veracity of that uh where are we here it is worst idea pod at aol.com send birthday wishes to guy and not just text i mean send text send a text message to him which is an email to that but it's an email address record a little video on your phone um send him a voice recording wishing him a happy birthday it's important that guys have he hears from you because we love our friends and um you know guy's going to be doing a lot of sitting down so let's give him something to talk about in the words of it wasn't dolly pardon whose song is that let's give them something to talk about. Do you know how often I think about Dolly Parton's tweet

where she's holding a fiddle? I don't know that tweet. It's a picture of her enthusiastically and invitingly holding a fiddle. And the text of the tweet just says, fiddle me this. Ha ha. It's a joke, y'all. Hope it made you laugh fuck yes yes

what a treasure what a what a great um privilege to be alive at the same time as dolly parton walks the earth what a bonnie right bonnie riot anyway please continue what do you say she's saying something to talk about oh thanks awesome oh i'm gonna go listen to that song now uh that should we wrap it up guy or do you have more uh only only one remaining pps from this last message pps the original message was 420 north carolina time although i have no idea what that translates to. 4NZ. It translates to time to fucking rip it and ship it, baby. It's all about smoking weed and sending postcards.

Do it. You haven't lived till you've gotten high and hung out at the post office because if you got stoned before you go there, the line is way less of a thing. Fuckyourstamps.com. Get out in the world. See your fellow humans. Be in a shared cultural experience. I don't care about a free digital scale.

Throw it out the goddamn window and meet some people you haven't met before. I love this new sponsor fuck stamps.com yeah man thusly i believe we are supporting ups and the post office not ups usps this episode was brought to you by the united States Postal Service. That's right. We're sponsored by a branch of the American government. Yeah, we're federal now. But with a local feel because we're community focused. But also the most important message, and I can't stress this enough, fuck stamps.com.

They can seriously Go to hell Go to hell You are robbing everyone of an opportunity To make friends That's why we're supporting the post office On the friend zone Stamps is robbing you of valuable friend making time

Fucking A It's about time someone said as much Peace out everyone Fuck you Stamps.com Fucking A. It's about time someone said as much. Peace out, everyone. Fuck you, stamps.com. Well, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good time. Yes, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy because making friends is the best idea of all time.