The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Seventy Seven

Episode Date: December 5, 2018

The boiz are coming back for another season. Was this a mistake? WITHOUT DOUBT! But they're doing it, nonetheless. It's all about having fun, forgetting the world and seeing how quickly the lose their minds this time. But before they do, time to have a dig through the mailbag... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well it's the friendzone, with Tim and Guy, come to the friendzone, and have a good time, yes it's the friendzone, with Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Fine folk, welcome to the friendzone, officially episode 77 if I've got my counting right. My name is Tim Batt, and I'm recording this in the year of our lord, 2018. My name is Tim Batt, and I'm recording this in the year of our Lord, 2018. That's right, which would make me Guy Montgomery, also recording in the year of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, 2018. And in fact, to celebrate his existence, I'm going to have a little strawberry right now. We all worship in our own unique ways.

This friend zone, all going to plan, is... Well, hey, everyone, here's what's happened. Here's what's happened so far. If you've missed the last four years of the worst idea of all time, Guy, if you can hear stuff going on in the background, I'm taking my shoes off. That's how important this is. I've got to cool off and get ready. You always take your shoes off when anything of significance is on the horizon.

It's one of your most disgusting traits. Can you imagine when I have a baby and we're in the room? What do you call that? It's not like an operating room. The delivery room? Yeah, the delivery room. There's all this blood and guts flying around and epidurals and whatnot and people in white lab coats and i'm just there

in bare feet do you know ready to catch a football weirdly of all the settings that you could have chosen i'm really comfortable with you and pretty much everyone in bare feet in there i think it's because the the mother you know is in bare feet i imagine that. That's true. Yeah, yeah, good point. Much more unusual to see someone giving birth wearing a couple of clogs or whatever's in vogue that week. Yeah, often clogs. Sort of week in, week out, aren't they? Yeah, clogs keep having their moment, you know,

on and off. Anyway, that's all by the by. Tim's got his shoes off. I've had a strawberry. Clogs are impossible to forecast in terms of their fashion because sometimes they go week on week on week off week on week off week off um can i do some quick math with you guy i want to try and i'm going to give you like a quick just back of the envelope uh if this is friendzone 77 and we've done at least 50 we've done 52 episodes of a

couple seasons so 52 times 2 is 104 plus we did 60 watches of um we are your friends so that's at least 164 i think there's a few more than that and then we add 77 friend zones there's at least 240 worst idea things that have come out how many of those do you stand behind eight yeah it's that's a low number i think we've done more than eight good episodes but um i think the important thing to impress upon our listeners here is we are grateful for your company as we hope you are for ours accordingly here in the friend zone we have i mean it's been a while i've got a mountain of correspondence here on the facebook uh message board at the worst idea of all time on facebook uh tim i imagine that your inbox is bursting at the seams it is uh with you know carefully written and thought through uh

correspondence from our friends you yeah guy if anyone's listening for the very first time do you want to just quickly recap on what we do here and what we've done over the last few years yeah yeah it's it seems unlikely but just in case uh so the worst idea of all time is a podcast where tim and i watch and review the same bad movie every week for a year. We have released three seasons of it. A lot of you will have just heard the end of the first season, which was Grown Ups 2, a little trip back in the time machine there. And on our sibling podcast, Till Death Do Us Blah, which we share with the peerless McElroy brothers, Blart, which we share with the Peerless McElroy Brothers, we have

recently announced that Tim and I have taken upon ourselves a fourth season in which we will be watching and reviewing Sex and the City, the original movie at the quickest pace that circumstance and time allows. We already have a handful in the can. We have many

more to record. And the Friend Zone is sort of a little mini episode that comes uh now and then in between episodes of the actual podcast where tim and i check in with each other and we check in with you our friends uh just to make sure everyone's having a good time and feeling rosy yeah and that's essentially you know the the bare bones of what we do here at Worst Idea of All Time, Inc. The whole point of the friend zone was originally, and I guess it still is, is where people started getting in touch

and Guy and I love it when people get in touch and we love reading it, but we know maybe not everyone wants to hear that. So we put those on separate ones. So if you want, you can skip this. If you just want to hear the punishment, you can just go to go to the apps the um the fourth season in a lot of ways oh yes is there anything more punishing than listening to two podcast hosts pat each other on the back via positive feedback from their listeners the punishment's supposed to be on us guy that's the whole point as hosts not the listener otherwise i just release like every episode it'd just be a different

frequency tone for 45 minutes although that gives me an idea but that's for another time how many subscribers do you think you can get to that uh people just hanging out for an air break i don't know if you get the branding right Tim anything's possible it may be in this darderist existence we live in so yeah that's where we're at that's what happens the fourth season's a big deal because we swore we wouldn't do it unless they made Sex and the City 3 or Grown Ups 3

it's just been announced in the real flesh space in the meat world that Sex and the City 3 definitely is not happening the meat world the meat world that sex in the city 3 definitely is not happening why the meat world yeah the meat space the real flesh space the meat world yeah yeah charmed i'm sure so kim cattrall is out and as a result sjp has said we ain't doing it without her we don't leave a gal behind so there won't be another one of those movies so now it's all down to sandler but we've

thrown that out the window because i missed hanging out with my boy so much that we decided to just do it again the world is a dark and grisly place not for the faint of heart and uh we are sort of resignedly taking our place in the world by digging this corpse of a concept up and traipsing it around Weekend at Carrie's style for another year. And not to mix a metaphor too quickly, but come get in the cave with us. This is disgusting, fleshy cave. Just hide away for a little bit. Every week, there'll be at least one.

The aim is we'll probably knock this out in six months, I reckon. So probably a couple episodes a week, maybe a friend zone on top of that. And you can just forget about everything that's going on. Just come and hang out. What I'm looking forward to, Tim, is knowing how we've missed one another and the fact that we haven't gotten to catch up as frequently as we might if we were still recording, seeing how quickly that decline goes

from sort of genuine excitement at being reunited with a friend to your classic sort of season three pavlovian response of thinking well if i'm talking to tim that can only mean one thing uh if the past is prologue it will not take long i remember a lot of enthusiasm at the start of these hills and they get steep real quick anyhow it is now time to dive into uh our correspondence with you uh friends uh shall i kick things off yeah you're in la yeah yeah i'm in you're not in la you're in los angeles correct that's right i'm in los angeles anaheim california laAA. No, I'm actually in Silver Lake, truly Los Angeles' own little slice of Williamsburg.

The entire neighborhood appears to have been downloaded from the Urban Dictionary definition of the word gentrification. And I, for one, love it. I actually put in a subtle distinction i used to say pinterest but um yeah you've updated well it was you know semi-remembered semi on the fly this one comes from brock who writes dearest but not nearest and oh so peerless timothy Alexander Halifax Bat and Guy, fuck, I forgot Tim's middle name, Montgomery. Andrew? Yeah, thank you. Do go on. Hello, gentlemen.

Hi. I hope this message finds you well. For those friends who have been following along since the beginning, my name is Brock, and I'm married to Emily, the girl with the, open parenthesis, quirky friend who wore a turban to Sex and the City 2. Emily wrote in around friend zone 14, and I followed up around friend zone 58 or so. Oh, what a long and winding journey it has been, boys.

We've been listening to the party since the very beginning and we had the pleasure of getting a beer with you gents when we hit New Zealand after I proposed to Emily. Oh, this gent. We've gotten married. Congrats to you as well, Timbo. And settled into wedded bliss. Way long ago, you boys posted how ecstatic you'd be to find out there was a

worst idea of all time child conceived during the duration of your podcast yes well my lads you kept the potty going and i'm so pleased to announce that the wait is over emily and i are expecting a bundle of joy sometime in april it's yet to be determined whether we name him or her Lenny Miranda or the ever popular and gender neutral Squirrel. But we have time. I want to thank you boys

for your gift to the world. This podcast has truly been something that Emily and I have been able to bond over, laugh along to and kept us sane on many a road trip including on our jaunt

around Aotearoa along with the other Little Empire podcasts. Shout out to the gang. On a personal and selfish note, you also inspired me to start my own podcast. It's called We Gauge Cage.

And my best friend and I watch and review every Nicolas Cage movie from worst rated to best rated on IMDb, in an effort to determine whether he's actually a good actor. That's a nice little concept we're only halfway through after 10 months and 42 episodes and things are looking pretty dire sorry can i stop you there for a second they're reviewing every nick cage movie and they're at the halfway point at episode 42 did i hear right you heard everything holy

holy moly it's too many movies nicholas to mick k i feel like i read a profile on him recently he seems like unsurprisingly a fascinating guy i expect nothing less we could never hold a candle to the madness and hilarity that is was the worst day of all time but we do our best to close i want to thank you again for your work, your love, and your friendship. Faithfully yours, P-P-P-Party time. All hail Brady, and don't bro me if you don't know me. Say my name, Brock Kershaw. Well, thank you so much, Brock, for that beautiful message, and congratulations from both Tim and myself

to you and your beautiful wife, Emily. Way to raw dog at you two. I'm so proud of you. You done fucked and made a little one. Rank, Tim. I feel like, I don't know, when you associate the turn of freight, the colloquial slang raw dog with the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth and new life. Yes.

I'm going to be honest with you. Knowing that you've probably got your feet up on your desk stinking up the joint makes me a little uneasy, you fleshy fucking sack of terrifying ideas. The odour in the studio isn't the best it's ever been, but I'll thank you to clean up your language, Guy, when describing my body. A tiny studio that you told me before we started

recording was already sensationally hot it's so warm it's too hot in here uh i'm so happy for emily and brock i'm so happy for your forthcoming child and uh i remember you two man you're fun you're fun people keep being fun it'll be you didn't ask for advice but i gave it as is my want guy you got any advice for these two crazy lovebirds uh well no as you accurately observed uh not asked for not asked not answered yeah fair call um i've got a i've got a message here from david we've got so many messages here so we're just gonna fly through some tim oh i actually i read this one a little while ago this came to us in a couple of months ago guy tim i come to you as a long time listener please for

the love of god change the logo of the worst idea of all time back to the old classic it really captured the loose improv feel of the podcast and the new one doesn't give me the same chuckle the old one always gave me when i got to see your beautiful faces your friend david uh he isn't specified with the last name so i'll leave that out but let's just say it's curry so the new art that was made by thomas coddle very gifted uh designer friend of ours it is slightly unnerving i'll give you that but um i stand behind the decision and i read this message when it came out and i thought nah i i love it uh and i'm actually gonna be buying a t-shirt of it a white t-shirt with that print on the front it's uh if you haven't seen it you probably have uh it's adam sandler's face uh sort of i don't even know how to describe

the effect that tom's taken but it is a deeply uncomfortable viewing experience not unlike you see it if you've got this open you're oh they can look at it right now yeah it's available in merch i think it's so nice because it's been such a like hokey design for so long which i loved but it's nice to have a high quality uh you know professionally done image yeah and i think that that's going to look really funny on a t-shirt it's going to start some conversations it's also definitely going to stop some conversations it's a powerful powerful image the uh the old one is up on the merch store as well and i actually i keep meaning to do this but I've got to get something really big, like whatever the biggest thing is, probably a laptop case with the old logo on it,

just because it'll look fucked. I don't know how else to describe it. Yeah, that'll look seriously rank. I've got a message here, Tim. And it's from a friend who's in America. And they've just sent two images about a week apart. The first one is a screenshot of two native New Zealand birds. One of them is the Takahe, and the other one's Pukeko.

And the title of the image is takahe versus pukeko and then underneath each bird they've listed various traits ah the takahe is listed as an alpha it can do seven plus meters of poo a day wow it is it is round and it was the hide-and-go-seek champion from 1900 to 1948. Oh, did they think it was extinct? I like that. That's good. The Pukeko is listed as a baiter. It cannot do seven meters of poo a day. It promotes unrealistic standards for birds.

It probably uses single-use plastic bags. And it is a low-key Australian. So that correspondence, that's the first image. This is the most New Zealand-centric, because this will be tied up every year in New Zealand because we don't have enough to do. Guy's fine with this competition, but I personally just think it's so hokey we have a

bird of the year contest and everyone fucking gets real into it and i am not a big proponent i love i yeah competition i think it's fun i think other nations would do well to follow our example with an animal that they have an abundance of but uh unsatisfied maybe by our lack of response or not sharing enough this is is from California, America, by the way. Love that. We've been sent a week later another screen cap. This time the title is the Rails of New Zealand Chonk Chart. What does that even mean?

The word chonk, if you were to read it, it's spelled C-H-O-N-K. And I'm just looking it up. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, it is a dialectical, a transitive verb to chew energetically. But I feel like urban dictionary would suggest... Or to chonk down on a bit of chocolate. It refers to an aggressively chubby house cat. So I think it's just anything that's aggressively chunky.

Okay. We're on board. We're up to speed. It's the Rails of New Zealand Chonk Chart, and it's six birds listed side by side with various different ratings for how chunky they are. None of the species of bird names remain. They've been changed.

So the first one, it's a very small bird that is described as a fine boy. And that is given a ranking of 20 on the Chonk chart and listed as having 16 to 25% body fat. The next bird of a similar size is called Heechomp. It's a chonk ranking of 30 at 26 to 35% body fat. The next bird is actually a Pukeko. And it's called a Heckenchonker. It's given a chonk rating of 40 with a maximum of 45% body fat.

The next bird is the Heftychonk. A chonk rating of 40 with a maximum of 45% body fat. The next bird is the hefty chonk. 50 or a chonk rating of 50. Then we've got a paradise duck, which is listed as the mega chonker. And that's given a chonk rating of 60. And then the last bird is, I'm not actually sure, maybe a takahe. It's called Oh Lord, He Coming with a chonk rating of 70. Look, I don't know how interesting or funny this was for everyone,

but my sincere thank you to Ben for sending on these two interesting pieces of correspondence a week apart. Anyone who doubted a picture being a thousand words, listen to this friend zone. You know? Yeah. Isn't it fun to listen to podcasts

which are largely very very vague and hopeless descriptions of images that one of the hosts is looking at a picture that someone got sent i love it it's like the inverse of asmr is it yeah that's all about listening to very particular sounds and this is about listening to okay audio quality of image descriptions fucking hell who's gonna dig us out of this hole it's gonna be clara who writes dear ad tim sandler and sarah geist jigger parker yeah i'm writing because i sent my first ever message to you fuck boys a few weeks ago every morning i woke up eagerly awaiting the next friends only episode imagine my elation when i heard the opening line to my message

and my dismay when it was dismissed as having been discussed before. Oh, no. This is so us. I love it. I promise the point I brought up has not been talked about on the podcast, although the setup has been. I'm so sorry, Clara. I've included the various.

Sorry, I'm'm gonna make a suggestion feel free to ignore it's too mean guy throw this email out drag it into the trash can no it's too mean like i would but it's just too mean let me let me get into this um i've included the previous message would love to hear your thoughts also included a selfie of me my foster kittens guy montgomery you fucking monster a selfie of me, my foster kittens. Guy Montgomery, you fucking monster, wanting to cut off Clara. Foster kittens listening to your dulcet Kiwi tones to help persuade you. If, oh, sorry.

I don't know if you boys are cat people, but these babies too cute not to share. If this is read, feel free to say my native North Carolinians name. Love and friendship.ara schwarm uh previous message quotes i'm working my way through the podcast again and there's something i never heard mentioned in season two i know this is dark and this is dark and terrible time oh i know this dark and terrible time is far behind you so i don't uh so i hope you don't mind my raising this question i'm just going to pause their guy it has been so long since i've done a friend's though that i have forgotten how to read aloud well you've always found it you've always found it

challenging i have but not to this level back into it i have not subjugated myself to the film but in the scene where the man servant opens the gals mail in abu dhabi aren't they on vacation aren't they only in the uae for less than a week do they not have mailboxes and or semi-competent husbands and or housekeepers and or store that can store and handle mail for the next few days the gals are out of the country how long does it take to send letters to abu dhabi from the us big old fan of the podcast thanks for the laughs and friendship clara and her gorgeous wee foster kittens she is also gorgeous everyone's gorgeous it's a good photo um we did talk about this what do we what do we decide what it was forwarded or something yeah Yeah, I remember specifically talking about Carrie's breaking of the law

by opening mail that's not addressed to her. I don't remember. I remember it struck me during every watch that this was the case, that it had been obviously forwarded on, but I don't remember specifically what our angle was. I guess, you know, fair enough. our angle was i guess you know fair enough these are some pretty uh professionally high up and in demand women uh and you know in this fast-paced modern age when we're always connected to the big bad world um it's getting harder and harder to section off time to take just for yourself

even a holiday you know uh reclining on a pool lounger can quickly become an office if you're not careful with divvying up your time. I get that. I do get that. I guess the girls just thought. Fuck up for a second. They're in a weird space here where it's like they have turned their cell phones off, but they've also forwarded their business mail.

That's weird. They don't turn their cell phones off. They're just ill-organized and don't get SIM cards. I thought they did. Miranda says it when they first get there. She says, can you... Oh no, Charlotte wants someone to program her iPhone

for her. I've forgotten his name but he's the man who helps them with everything but he works for like the embassy garu that's right jarroo uh jarroo jarroo jarroo the past tense of to jarroo oh yeah I was at Firefest at Jar-ruled. Except that it didn't. Yeah, but Jar-ruled could be a negative thing, you know. Clara's brought up an excellent point. I don't think we've ever got a definitive answer on that. He really Jar-ruled that verse

could mean he did a terrible job on that verse. We've got a lot. We might have to break this into a two-part friendzone too. Mate, I only want this into a two part friendzone Mate I only want to do about four per friendzone I reckon I don't want to load them down too much

And it'll make them last Even though they're now very out of date But that's okay Have you got a short one there guy? From Hamish It reads I actually just listened to the REO Speedwagon theme tune for the first time in its entirety.

It starts with the chorus, schlocky verses, tasteless guitar solos, grating congas, massively overproduced, the perfect theme for the movie. Really? I'll also say that there was some magic

in the first few episodes of the pod. The two of you stumbling around in the dark, grasping for a wall of reason and logic for both the film and your own endeavor it's up there with my favorite pieces of kiwi comedy along with havoc and newsboy ice tv's original lineup and jace and thingy uh this is a very high compliment we've been paid uh to those of you who aren't new zealand listeners but those are some iconic New Zealand cultural touchstones. And then a link to an article that was printed in the Age newspaper in Melbourne a little while ago,

which was just writing up the podcast. Our podcast. Yeah, it was more for us than... Fuck, we're cool. We get described as film nerds, which I think is inaccurate but fair enough do you i think at this point it's semi-legitimate for us to call ourselves film critics professional film critics what do you think um

well we never really delve into professional film critic language, but I feel like if we so chose, we could. Is that like, do we have to say certain words? It's interesting. Yeah, you know, you've got to frame it in a certain way. I think we've created a new branch of film criticism. I don't know the validity of that. I actually don't back or fancy myself as much of a as like a very uh refined or esteemed watcher of cinema not the taste of films i watch but just like i don't always back my opinion right i think

sometimes that i just like even bad movies i'm just like oh they made a whole movie yeah and that's that's just fine. I like that too. Yeah, that's why we're not professional critics. That's it right there. We're not tastemakers. We're not here to tell you what deserves adulation and what doesn't. We just, you know, obviously for this, we just watch a movie too many times.

But in our normal lives, we just go to movies. And sometimes we like them and sometimes we don't. Doesn't mean they're good or bad. Ain't that the truth what was the best what was like a good movie you saw recently that you enjoyed uh i actually recently watched annihilation oh what'd you think of that uh i really liked it yeah i um i thought it was great it was and then i looked into its release it had a weird release because there was some sort of just like frustration

between the, the producer and the network. They wanted to change the ending and the producer was like, nah, so it got distributed differently because it came out on Netflix. It didn't get a cinema release

in most of it. It came out on Netflix and it kind of didn't do that well at the box office, but I loved it. I love Alex Garland who was the, he wrote the screenplay and directed it. Ever since The Beach, he wrote the book The Beach.

He started as a novelist. Cool. And that I remember being quite a sort of seminal book that I read. That book, in fact, inspired me to learn how to roll joints because they were on an isolated island in the book and um i was reading it and i was like god and there was weed around it i was like god i'd hate to be trapped on an isolated island and have to piss like bother other people to roll my weed uh and so i taught that was the motivator for me to teach myself truly an an eat, pray, love moment for you.

Absolutely. Didn't have to leave the comfort of my seat. Except to learn how to roll, which you do quite well. I can attest to that. I may not be a critic of movies, but I am of joints, and your ones are okay. Thank you, Tim. I saw Mission Impossible.

What are we up to four it was all right okay it was better than all right that movie was fucking incredible sensational every piece was electric i saw it with my father which i think is how that movie is intended to be seen a 30 year old man seeing it with his pops and we were both just like yeah man yeah all right right yeah it was really like that because your dad is quite uh he can be quite he seems like he can be quite a reserved guy sure i'd like to see him getting all riled up at some of the action sequences in the cinema see now he was a big bond fan uh growing up and i think bond is getting a lot of discussion now rightly so just because if you revisit that that material lately oh boy it has problematic does not begin to describe it

night there is there's there's a lot of women being hit by different men for no reason in particular and and that's just for starters it's it's pretty hard to watch. But I think Mission Impossible is a little bit more updated and sanitized. It's just like, here's all the crazy car shit. And, you know, three quarters of a plot. Go. Check this out. I actually haven't watched any of the OG Bonds. I started at Pierce Brosnan and haven't looked back.

I think you can't now. I think they're sort of banned. Like, the ship has sailed. I think you can't now. I think they're sort of banned. Like, the ship has sailed. I think you may have missed your opportunity. Sean Connery, like the suavest guy in the world for a while? Absolutely. I think he was voted sexiest man in the world in his very late 50s, maybe even early 60s.

Maybe he was 60 years old. People loved him. Fucking A. He's not a perfect dude either. Anyway, look, I want to keep this short, Guy. That's going to be it for this friend zone. I've decided. I'm laying the hammer down because we're going to do another one soon.

And what else is coming up soon? Oh, season four. That's what's coming up soon. That's right. So get ready to strap in for that. Hopefully you guys enjoy it. Right, so get rid of strapping for that. Hopefully you guys enjoy it.

I know that we occasionally will, but mostly won't. And that, ain't that just the way that life goes down, down, down, down. You know that song? Yeah. Ain't that just the way that life goes down, down, down, down What's the second line? Moving way too fast or much too slow Getting up, getting high, getting down, getting low, low, nowhere But not getting into someone I should know.

I'm Latricia McNeil. Latricia McNeil, everybody. Good night. Well, it's the friend zone. Tim and Guy come to the friend zone. And have a good time. Yes, it's the friend zone. With Tim and Guy.

Because making friends is the best idea of all time.