The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Sixteen

Episode Date: August 4, 2016

SPONSORED BY OMNYAPP.COMIt's symbiosis, it's a laggy connection to Spain, it's bongo drums, it's fudging your birth certificate cause you're an Olympic athlete from a developing nation. It's The Friendzone, is what it is. In this obscenly late to be released update to the TWIOAT canon; The Flash and Timbly Wimbly are sharing recent tales of medical woe, letters from people who don't know what Bongo Drums are AND trying to improve the American banking system. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well it's the friendzone, with Tim and Guy, come to the friendzone, and have a good time, yes it's the friendzone, with Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Welcome to the friendzone with Timbly Wimbly and Flash. How are you Flash? Ah, saviour of the universe I'm really good man I'm I'm huddled over in the Spanish wilderness trying to avoid

this bloody sea breeze I'll tell you what if if it sounds like it's blowing like the clapper's here that's for good reason it bloody well is

but I gotta tell you the coverage that they provide here in Spain both for phones and Wi-Fi is always in this part of Spain. Not so hot.

Not great? Not stellar? It's a real challenge finding a spot to bloody catch up with you, Tim, but I'm always glad when I do. Apparently, where I am, Catacay is the easternmost point of Spain. What do you make of that? Well, how about that? I think it's muy bueno i think hey yeah i think it's muy bueno as well how are you my friend uh i'm all right i um you went to a and e i did yeah i had a little super mysterious thing happen actually with my body whereby my shoulder just started hurting excruciatingly and unrelentingly and um i just kind of ignored it for about six hours trying

to go to sleep and then i couldn't so my uh dear sweet partner zoe who was a doctor was like you know what we should do get you to a person who can put some painkillers in you i was like well probably about the time so at about 3 a.m last night we had to get up in the middle of the night and she took me off to to a and a but i don't know what's happened it seems to have stopped was it muscle or bone it was definitely muscle a it was like a just a the most intense ache but it just didn't piss off couldn't even get your muscles eating themselves for nutrients i managed to stump a couple doctors because zoe was like it doesn't really make any sense because it wasn't like a tendinitis thing because you could touch it and it was fine it didn't kind of like hurt to touch and uh there was like there was no injury that would have caused it it just

came on out of nowhere apparently it's um a common precursor to a heart attack. But due to the fact that it went on for several hours, Zoe was like, you're probably not having a heart attack if you're still here. Maybe your heart is in your shoulder. Maybe you're a biological marvel. Hey, maybe.

I don't think I've had an x-ray done, so it might have moved since I got born or something. Maybe no one's ever known. Maybe it's been there since a baby. Have you ever been punched in the chest? No, I don't think so. I've had a few fists to the face, full force face punch. If you touch slightly to the left of your chest right now,

can you feel your heart beating? Yeah, I can. Yeah. Now what if you touch your shoulder yeah let me check let me get under my shirt no no i can't yeah well your hopes of being a biological wonder kid have been dashed tim your body's just collapsing around you i like that you're giving diagnoses from a different hemisphere though this is cool it's like web md but um audio only and hideously unqualified hey well i'm glad to hear my friend tim's okay yeah i'm all right bud don't know what caused it but um this isn't uh misadventures into tim's medical dramas this is

the friend zone this is a zone where uh we take a little time to appreciate the people who get in touch with us, people who give us money from our website, worstideaofalltime.com, where you can support the troops if you wish, which actually I've kind of, I haven't been paying as much attention to the donations messages as I should have recently because we've just been,

we're getting so many emails and messages on the Facebook group that I feel like, yeah, that's where our focus has been. should have recently because we've just been we're getting so many emails and messages on the Facebook group that I feel like yeah that's where our focus has been. I've also on account of this of my current internet situation I've been grossly neglectful so Tim's just been mopping up after me think of me as like a slug who's leaving a sluggy trail and Tim's just trying to he's frantically trying to mop up the theug's trail, but because he's got an injured shoulder he can't move as quickly as a slug. How's that analogy?

I often think of you as a slug actually so it's quite fitting. But not in a negative way, in a positive way because you can kind of get into weird tight spots that other people can't. You can sort of contort yourself and fit in. I used to pride myself on my bodily contortions,

but as I age, I'm not as limber as I once was. Doesn't that suck? Yeah. Wouldn't it be? Imagine if you got more limber the older you got. Well, 27, which is what I currently am, is still people's athletic prime. So if I had gone to the trouble of

actually maintaining my body as best I could I could be uh probably not at my most limber because gymnasts who are as close as I can think of to contortionists they they peak in their teens it's fucking crazy yeah that's like um all those olympians from weird developing countries that they like they don't really have a life. Fudge their birth certificates. Yeah. They're like entering 10-year-olds as 14-year-olds. It's bloody ballistic.

Yeah, it's not a good thing. Just quickly, yeah, if you've stumbled onto this podcast in the hopes of hearing Tim and I talk about our other friends, Zicole, Jarhead, Squirrel, and Johnny Depp, you can stick around if you want, or if you're not interested in what we're about to do,

you can clean fuck right off. That's where I thought you were going with that, Cedric. You really pulled out in a positive direction, but then took a U-turn again and got the fuck right off right back at you. Well done to you. You do understand my mode of language because I was ramping straight into that clean fuck right off.

And then I was like, do you know what? Let's temper that. They might just be finding this out now and want to stick around. And, you know, all power to them. Good on you. Good on you.

Guy, do you want to kick off with a message from someone who sent us a communique? I would love to do that. This one comes from old Hairy Bottom, which is a comical take on the actual name

of the author, just in case they don't want their name to be mentioned. Okay, so I'm sure they would much prefer being made fun of by their full name rather than their actual name being used. That's good. Hairy Bottom says, in terms of syllables and sound, Hairy Bottom is very similar to the name, I think. Hairy Bottom, you know who you are, mate.

You're out there, you're listening. You know who you are. Yeah. Hey guys, I've been listening almost solely to your podcast since I found out about it last year and now I'm up to date. Starting to be part of the adventure and live-ish time. I'm the coffee guy of podcast listening. Always been a disciple of Brady the Rat King,

praise be his name. Been dreaming of Blaze Pizza since Patty Schwartz backflipped into my imagination. Will donate some cash When I finally get a job Will stop listening To the fucking podcast Harry Bottom Haha

Also wanted you to know That I'm going to watch We Are Your Friends So that I can feel like a part of it And get into that friend zone Been dying to make a podcast for ages And you really fuelled that Cheers

Lovely Oh good on you man What a lovely What a lovely bottom Harry I hope that you have a good time making your podcast. And actually, this is an unintended but quite fortuitous moment because we've got a sponsor for the friend zone this week, Guy. What?

Do you mind if I delve in and throw that name around right now? Not at all. You're selling the ground from underneath me and I love it. I don't want to shortchange Harry Bottom on his message of love and support. No, no, Harry Bottom's got more than enough attention. Well, Harry, if you are thinking of doing your own podcast, may I recommend using the

podcast platform that we use, which is Omni. You can find it at omniapp.com. That's O-M-N-Y A-P-P dot com. And they're awesome. They're based in Melbourne and they're a really great little small team

so they're very kind of dynamic and they move very quickly. So if you've got any things that you want to do or you've got any questions, you just get in touch with them and a real life human will hit you back. But they provide an excellent service and they've got, in particular, like a really good

uh for the nerds out there html5 player which you can integrate into your websites and chuck online and stuff and they've got this cool feature where you put a episode up and it automatically on their side of it turns it into a facebook video and then you just like hit one button and you can share it on facebook as a video because facebook doesn't really have a an audio player so it's a they've got all these bloody genius little solutions like that to get around stuff and get your podcast out there so i highly recommend them uh check them out at omni app.com why don't you marry them uh maybe i will guy if one day we can move forward in our understanding of what a marriage can be uh you know back in my parents day it was just between a man and a woman in our day it is between two people who love each

other but i long for the day when a man can marry a podcast platform and maybe that's a vision that can be enacted in my children's lifetime so you're gonna have have children and then presumably leave the mother, assuming you're with the mother in the first place, to start a relationship with a podcast platform in the name of being progressive I don't see what's so unusual about that

I was just making sure that we were all on the same page here, the same progressive agenda you bet you you bet you hey let me let me chuck in a message here from uh aiden clark who's found my email address and got in touch guy aiden said oh crap i did it again well you really did hey tim and guy i always love hearing you guys each week i've started to feel that the title we are your friends has come to describe the relationship with you two and the listeners Hey Tim and Guy, I always love hearing you guys each week. I've started to feel that the title We Are Your Friends

has come to describe the relationship with you two and the listeners. It's been great to hear you over these 2.23 seasons. On another note, if you're looking for some real Patty Schwartz party time, check out the movie Scott's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse. I can't say I was the biggest fan of the movie itself, but it did feature Patty living it up as a high schooler, going to a super awesome party. It's worth watching

for that alone keep up the great work that was that totally supposed to watch hey ah was it i don't know it sounds totally like a movie i'm interested in watching i miss patty so much i miss patty too man god damn god damn the, right, like a lot of people say this about the podcast. They really miss the Patty Schwartz party time and coffee guy. You can't force these things. They unfold organically and naturally and it's not up to us to force it.

It's up to us to act as a vessel for the universe to let these often musically themed features flow into us and through us and just be used by the universe to enact its will. I love that you've broken it down the way you have, Tim, because that's how I feel. And each week we're scouring, don't get me wrong, we're scouring We Are Your Friends

and We Are Your Friends is scouring us as well um it's a was it symbiosis when two things live off one another that's right man yeah and that's what it is and i feel like we're still in a an introductory phase to get to know each other phase and as our relationship grows and becomes more intimate you know our expressions of love are more intimate there's such a great way of looking at it too because this this movie like all things can only exist if it is being observed it's it's like uh schrodinger's cat if i'm saying his name correctly you know it's it only exists if we can experience it in some way otherwise it's not really there that's right so we are validating this yeah in a sense we are your friends didn't exist for a while because it was uh

such a box office bomb uh that only a limited you know sphere of people were engaging with it and what we're trying to do is uh is grow that we've been brought on by maximum joseph to to get maximum reach and that was his quote not ours we're not necessarily promoting it we're just making it exist more that's what we're doing to the movie that's our goal to just make we are your friends exist more in the universe that we all live in. That's right. It was a very clear brief. So thank you for that message, Aidan.

Do you want to jump in with it? Did you finish that? Yeah, that was it. Did that get to the end? Yep, I did. Lovely. This one comes from Hathew Matfield. Now, I've done a very clear thing. I've spoonerized your name there, so you can reverse engineer that,

and I've absolutely cooked your goose, Matthew Hatfield. Now, I've done a very clever thing. I've spoonerized your name there, so you can reverse engineer that, and I've absolutely cooked your goose. Matthew Hatfield. Hi, boys. Love the podcast and your rapid descent into madness. You've inspired me to watch We Are Your Friends twice. He's a hungry little boy. And I expect to watch it several more times by the year's end. One of the main problems I have with the film,

other than Johnny Depp being without his moustache in the lad's intro montage, months before he brutally murders Squirrel, time code 347. I've noticed that and never brought it up. Is that our boy bro Zicoli, I think he's a tover here, is that

our boy bro Coley never seems to pay his taxes. Normally this wouldn't annoy me. I think we've might have read this message, maybe on a previous friendzone. Maybe it's time to hide from the government. Maybe he doesn't have the cognitive capacity to pay it. Is this ringing bells for you?

I think we might have. God, it's so hard to tell. Sorry, you finish it, though. You know what? Fuck it. Just finish it. I want to hear the rest of this. We're in a mess now.

No, we're in a mess. Normally, this wouldn't annoy me or even stand in any movie, but he just receives large amounts of cash in hand and stashes it under his bed for no real reason. Maybe it's to hide the rest of this. We're in a mess now. No, we're in a mess. Normally this wouldn't normally even stand in any movie, but he just receives large amounts of cash in hand and stashes it under his bed for no real reason. Maybe it's to hide it from the government. Maybe he doesn't have the cognitive capacity to pay it. Another problem born due to the absence of his father or that he thinks himself a god

and that his one banging track is his ticket out of taxes. Regardless of his intention, and in keeping with Tim's dreams of a sequel, the next film starts with Broccoli. Oh, Bro-colly. Broccoli. I love it, being audited by the IRS,

interrupting the aptly named Summerfest and dragging him off to prison where he has to deal with the numerous gangs and French EDM clubs dissatisfied with his being there. The movie, We're All Out of Friends,

so named for the large hulking man that tells Broccoli this in the prison showers, moments before an unflinching and traumatic portrayal, Jesus Christ, of a prison rape scene. Somehow Paige and James Reid get together in an amazing duo to break them out,

something involving sentimental diamonds. Thanks for reading. Matt H. from Scotland. That was a message so nice, we have read it twice, but I think it deserved another earring. Hearing that back again, the prison rape scene, that really solidified my understanding. Oh, you remember that? That was not the first journey around. Somehow, it was sort of, yeah,

it was almost like deja vu. Well, it was, I suppose, wasn't it? You'll have to forgive us, all of our friends out there, you have to forgive us if we do stuff like that every now and then. We've still got no system whatsoever of cataloging these messages

from different platforms that just fall into our lap and we just grab this is what happens it's like um if anyone watched those old game shows where you go into a phone box that was made of perspex and they blow money up and you just grab as much cash as you could and you were just in your underwear and then you come out of the cash box holding and you got to keep whatever you grabbed a hold of that's us with these messages we're just stumbling around there's no real system to it and we're just hoping hoping for the best really we will one day probably not actually i was gonna say we will refine the system one day but it's so unlikely it'd be so good to get a uh we should get an assistant

or something hey i was just thinking imagine if we had a lackey we could do that we could get an intern i have started a podcast network it would make sense to have a a um a little virtual assistant person no no because then then we're the people who don't read the messages oh no no i'm not suggesting oh yeah i guess well it's almost like i just need them in a all in a in a in an orderly because then we're the people who don't read the messages. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not suggesting. Oh, yeah, I guess. Well, it's almost like I just need them all in an orderly fashion. I just need someone to print them out. I just need someone to print them out for me. Maybe I should just print them out. Maybe that's the missing step here.

I don't think that. I think that's just going to create an even bigger mess. Yeah, you're right, because then that metaphor is more literal of the bits of paper. No way. Yeah, you're going to become like robin williams in one hour photo where you just have scores and scores of fan mail with lines amongst it on the walls i would love that i would love if this studio was just fuck that's actually a great idea i might print start printing out all of the messages that we get and you're gonna wallpaper your studio with fan mail god that'd be good

we should get a po box so people can send us handwritten letters as well i'm a big fan of those i've always wanted to have a po box should we get one mate yeah yeah let's get all right decision made from here on in let it be known on this the uh 15th or 16th friend zone we're gonna go get a po box god how exciting would you like you got any more messages over there please here's here's one from ananda shaker mazumda and again i can't help but feel like this one's a little bit familiar this name but let me read it and we'll see if we've done this one before. Until recently, it was very common for large metro areas to have two or three free magazines in full colour, glossy, thick digest format called something like Apartment Finder,

Apartment Guide, or Apartments for Rent. I haven't paid much attention lately, but they do still exist when i last changed residences three years ago all the large apartment management companies would list their properties in there and they would have advertisements for related services like movers rental vans and storage so i don't know that it's entirely anachronistic for jarhead to be looking for houses in one of these digests ananda and the subject for that email was finding apartments in a magazine, which is a point that we have taken issue with in the movie a few times.

When the boys are... You go. I was just going to say, I love Amanda's no-nonsense approach to Flight of Fancy. Me too. You really myth-busted us on that one, Amanda.

You got us good. Yeah, we did take it. I mean, maybe in America, you know, different places, different times. They don't really have internet banking in America. You know that? What? Say that again? They don't really do internet banking in America.

Everyone's cashing checks still. It's crazy. Oh, yeah. You guys really need to pick your fucking game up With that, that I don't understand Like the fact that you guys Still use cheques is insane I'll tell you how we do our business in New Zealand

And actually I think we're kind of unique But we were the first country in the world To get FPOS Which is like, you guys I think just call it A debit card Yeah But even Australia uses cash way more than us. In New Zealand, we barely can do cash handling anymore

because every single business needs to be able to take credit and debit cards. And it is wonderful. Our wallets are thinner. It doesn't ruin the line of your suit jacket or your trousers. Our hands? It's harder to rob people we're cleaner as well because we're not always handling money less colds get on board rest of the world it's a wonderful wonderful system the reason the reason that we were the uh experiment

for f posses i think new zealand's like the perfect perfect sample size for trying out that kind of shit. Yeah, I think we've had a few little projects like that, eh? Yeah, we're far enough away that it's like, you know, but also developed enough that people are like, well, we'll see how they react. If it's good, then we'll use it. We're far enough away that if it all goes wrong, they're like, well, we'll just send it to different small islands.

We'll write off New Zealand. That's fine. They're not that important. Yeah. Have you got another? Yeah, mate. Always. I'm sorry I keep overlapping you.

The Skype is kind of a little bit in and out and creating just that perfect, lovely amount of lag where it makes conversation a little bit awkward, which I relish. I love it. We should talk on Skype even when we're in the same town guy that's what i'm saying i couldn't agree more i'm finding uh my connection with you uh runs much deeper through fibers is that what the internet is running on fibers

yeah okay this one here from oh i like this name there's no way i can't read this out it's such a good name dinsdale trelawney hi timbly and guy good good strong start you don't hear a lot of words uh ending in yb it's a real unique sound i love your podcast and i've never seen any of the films no need i have a question for tim what are bongo drums are they from bongo bongo land or do they maybe go bong when you play them message ends now i i replied to this guy just minutes ago on the Facebook, and I said to him,

you've got a real top name there, Dinsdale, but you are missing some key knowledge of joyous things that exist in this world if you don't know what bongo drums are. They are tremendous instruments of happiness, unbridled joy. Like, the sound to me of a bongo drum is the sound of happiness. It's a good time. Dinsdale, I implore you to go onto YouTube and just flick around some videos of bongo drums. Yeah, and it's a great way to become

potentially the most annoying guy at a party if you decide to leave the house with them. Be that guy. For me, bongos are more of a an at-home uh instrument i think that probably speaks more to my ability to play the bongos than uh you know bongos done right yeah i'm not necessarily talking about the joy derived from playing them just from hearing them just the sound like if you get an actual good person who's good at the bongos on a track on a song you know

it's always a wonderful addition there was a whole band who described themselves as incredible and bongo based yeah that's right in fact

that'd be a wonderful place to start Dinsdale start with the incredible bongo band and just work your way backwards from there yeah

Apache is probably the most famous song did they write that Miss write it sampled it that's my understanding tim but what would i know the answer to that is sweet fuck all you got another message over there my friend yeah probably this one's from actually uh yeah no it's ocean It's O'Shawn Starreveld. Starreveld, I would say.

And he mentions this soon, so hold fire. Dearest Tim Tam and Guy the Flash Mont Gomery. Firstly, my name is O'Shawn Starreveld. If I'm friendzoned, I dare you to try and say my full name, you dastardly Kiwi fucks. Honestly, thank you for being the shining light my boring summer job in the last two to three months i've binged listened to the ramblings of two kiwis and i've finally caught up today my brain hurts i work at a military base in ontario and you two have

single-handedly got me through hours of weed whacking and driving in circles on a lawnmower all the time making me look like a serial killer laughing while i was doing lawn care you guys deserve more than this shit email but student loans boys maybe you sit cross-stitch in your futures ps you guys have ruined me i can't stop saying party as an adjective verb noun and i'm constantly making amazing w-i-o-a-t references and no one gets them. I can't sleep at night for fear of rats and Adam Sandler releasing more garbage. Help! Much love and friendship.

O'Shawn, dude, that's lovely. God, that's good. That was lovely. You've also stumbled into quite an exciting movie idea where Adam Sandler releases a new film that somehow, that is such garbage that rats move into the film and start living off of it. Wow, that's conceptual.

Yeah, man. No one said we're not that. I don't know. I'm losing it over here. No, I dig that a lot, man. That's great. So this one comes from someone I'll only describe as being called patrick and from

los angeles oh my god do not get your hopes up because it's not what you think dang it unless patrick from los angeles is who we think and is a massive fan of the podcast beau diddly timbly wimbly and flash dance i want to posit a jacob's ladder like situation regarding 80 of the movie in the scene where zicoly does pcp with james reed from theers, he proceeds to go on an insane trip. When Ziccoli wakes up from the next morning at The Feelers estate, the audience is made to assume that this trip has come to an end. I argue that we are still solidly in the beginning of the trip. The rest of the movie is a PCP-infused fever dream. This would explain the warlock-like abilities of the boys, as explained by a previous friend in The Friend Zone, as well as why thousands of people would turn out to something

known as Summerfest. Aside from this, I'm a huge fan. I discovered the podcast after I finished my master's degree in education from the same school that Maya Blart was off to attend and tore through it. My partner and I have a trip to New Zealand coming up at the end of August, so if you would need a comrade to watch along with, let me know.

Most importantly, because Timbo becomes downright apoplectic when Guy Guy travels. That's what happened to my shoulder guy. You were missing and my body just started tearing itself apart. Jesus Christ. Too much responsibility, Tim. Regardless, you both are very good boys, so keep up the good work from Los Angeles.

Patrick, that was lovely. Patrick, you're a good boy, and I appreciate not only the message and you listening to the podcast, but also your decision to turn your life to a career in education. Massive respect. You've got to love it. I've got some more. They're short.

Yeah, yeah. Just rip through a few bloody, you know, a few, not the whole chocolate bar, just pods or whatever they're called. Just the Cadbury's favourites. Here's Ben. Ben says, Jewel Hammer Lady, baseball bat assassin, face grilled, oops, it was a cop, tons of small details to focus on when you're dead inside.

Unfortunately, it isn't a train wreck for your premise, but a good twist on the theme. The subject line of that email is the raid 2 and i've just read all of the contents of the email so make of that what you will guy uh it was that would to me was just like someone getting really stoned and writing down a bunch of great ideas and then notes on their phone and then waking up the next morning and trying to decipher what brilliant cultural and mental breakthroughs they'd made the night before But I'll tell you what, if Ben teams up

with Dinsdale and they get some bongo drums in it that is a great beat poem Last one I could disagree more, continue Oh shit, something's happened to the screen, here we go, it's back Daniel writes, dearest Timbly Wimbley and Guybo little did I know that I would be blessed with images

of the ever so great Blaze Pizza proprietor, Paddy. Alliteration is the key to preventing the ascension of Brady the Rat King. It's an interesting kryptonite. I'll keep reading the email. Snapchat has never been so great. Anyway, I've been a big fan since day one. You've really helped me get through a ton of summer, semester, organic chemistry. I'd donate if I had any money.

If you guys are ever in Atlanta, Georgia, in the good old US of A, let me know. Thanks again, guys, from Daniel. P.S. Really hoping there'll be a fourth season. Sorry to disappoint, man. But there won't be. Damn, Daniel. Lovely to hear from you, though. Lovely to hear from all of you

as always good lord i love my friends yeah i love my friends too keep being our friends oh and also this was in a message that i saw i think somewhere in the facebook inbox but um i've bloody skipped it out somewhere if if anyone's an artist out there i because i want to make some new t-shirts and get them out for the for the merch right the uh the dick dick full of diamonds mouth full of concrete we got to make that into a shirt like fuck man i would buy that i will pay money for that one yeah you're not wrong there timbly uh it's a mighty fine idea if someone can go through and extract an image of Paige from the movie,

or just Google We Are Your Friends Paige, he'll come up there and fuck around with the photo enough so that we don't run into copyright problems. Man. That guy Paige is a good actor.

He was in a movie I watched on a flight over here. Me, Earl and the Dying Girl. I really liked that movie. Oh, amazing. Good to know. He strikes me as good in the movie. But that's something we'll dig

into in a real episode of The Worst Idea of All Time. For now though, this is Tim Batt reminding you to go to omniapp.com if you're making a podcast and check him out. Or if you just like listening to them. This is Guy Montgomery not a corporate shill

saying thank you to our dear friend Darcy St. Darcy for this brand new Friendzone outro. Copyright laws be damned!