The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Sixty Eight

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

Joined by their friend Rose Matafeo in a room inside Australia's city of Sydney, Guy and Tim are digging through memories, messages, human biology and... Themselves. Not literally. That sounds disgusting. But metaphorically. Catch the boiz live in New Zealand and Sydney right now by Googling their names and seeing that comes up or going here on Little Empire's Website. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy, come to the friend zone And have a good time, yes it's the friend zone With Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time That is fucking good, like that's where I want to be You want to be off mic? Yeah, like far away Far away off I think the funniest things ever in radio

come from someone who's off mic. Always. It's like racing through the door to say something. That's how New Zealand's famous rock radio station managed to hack getting a great morning show. Because they would make a joke, and then they'd just have Roger Farrelly laughing loudly from off mic.

And you would be like, that is a sensational time they're having in there. And it was all a trick. Volume is an underrated comedic device. Yeah. Dynamics. I started using more mic technique. I say two things straight into mic.

I say unshakable loneliness. Yes. And fuck pigs. No, flabbergasted is off mic. Yeah, uh... Flabbergasted? Fuck pigs. No, flabbergasted is off mic. Yeah, true. But it's loud. Fuck pigs is on mic.

Yeah. You've just had a behind-the-scenes look at comedy. Son of a bitch. I don't have to leave it in. But you probably will. There's going to be a big gap in it, too, when the lovely Rose Mitafeo is talking and not getting picked up by Mike, because these ones probably aren't sensitive enough.

Hey! That's what Rose has to say for herself. Yes, welcome to the friend zone, ladies and gentlemen. We're in Sydney at the moment. Sydney, Australia. Ever heard of it? Yeah, specifically Newtown. Lovely little suburb.

Tim and I have just had some brunch. We had the same order. Very cute. Tim said, too nutty. Yeah, that's all right. And you were sick when you arrived, weren't you? Same order. Very cute. Tim said, too nutty. Yeah. That's all right. And you were sick when you arrived, weren't you? Because you've been taking a lot of zinc tablets.

So I've got a wife now, everyone. And the danger with a wife is they harbor disease and bacteria. You've got to stay away from them. Because sometimes they act as little... So you weren't taking zinc tablets of your own accord. You were doing it in reaction to Zoe's illness it's both

it's both I've definitely got a little tickle in the throat and I'm scared but I think she is like loaded on a couple of

different viral conditions all at once she's not in a good way how you living Rose you good man this brownie's yum it's quite nutty oh there you go

a lovely nutty brownie courtesy of Guy who brought it back for Rose because he's a sweetheart Guy's a sweetheart Guy's leaving, does that make you sad? he's getting swapped out with the male gazers

Eli Mathewson he's no Guy Montgomery Rose is devastated I want that to be on the record if the mic didn't pick that up so you're in Sydney Tim yes and you are too. Yeah.

We're very good detectives. Yeah, we're the best. And we're quietly listening to a Spotify playlist on the back of Perry Como's Magic Moments. They've been serving up some beautiful sort of jazz bass tracks. Harry Connick Jr. accompanying us right now. Harry Connick Jr., what an amazing career. I feel like I want Rose to be on the mic for this one.

Rose, can you come here actually? Can you talk about Harry Connick Jr.'s career? Because it seems like such a fascinating career arc that the man's had. Wasn't he on Ally McBeal? Yes, he was. He was also on the film P.S. I Love You, which is a terrible film which I've seen many times. Watched it during the Melbourne

Comedy Festival. It plays off love interest. Pretty bad. Harry Carter Jr.'s married to... Fuck, he's hot. He's so hot. Rose just saw a photo of him. That wasn't a hotness so great. He's a very good singer.

He famously contributed the song A Wink and a Smile to the... No, when Harry met Sally? No, yeah. Anyway, he's a great singer and I'd kiss him. It's because of his hair. When you say he contributed the song, you mean like he did the song on that film? Yeah, right.

He didn't like gift it to the film or something? It's a very poetic way of putting that, but it did confuse me. It threw me off. I'm loving the playlist, man. Yeah, it's good stuff. And now look at this. We've got Johnny Ray with Just Walking in the Rain.

That's great. That's great album artwork. It's, for those who can't see it, which is literally every single person listening to this, how would you describe that? It's a 1950s style artist rendition. Yeah. It's like an advertorial from the 50s or 60s.

Like in The Shape of Water, the guy who paints the posters, but no one wants painted posters anymore. That's exactly what it's like. He is a very sympathetic character. His storyline was maybe the one I was most invested in in that movie he was a very well drawn character do you think well yeah I was obviously having the fish man we're not here to talk about Oscar lady fucks of fish in that film I was telling

Rose so after I saw that I saw Paddington I watched it at home hitting some to I've seen that as well but that, I saw Paddington. I watched it at home. Paddington 2? I've seen that as well. But when I was watching Paddington, because the mum in Paddington is the same actor from The Shape of Water. It's the lady from The Shape of Water. Oh, wow. And so the whole time I was watching Paddington, I was like, better watch out.

That lady's going to fuck a bear. God damn. Get the animals away from that lady. She loves them. But The Friend Zone is not about The Shape of Water. It's about friendship. Or bestiality, in spite of what you may have heard. Or what you may have heard from us.

Not just rumors on the street, but right from the horse's mouth. That's right. The horse being Guy Alexander Halifax Montgomery. Tim Anthony Andrew. Swinging a mouse. Yeah, you got it. Andrew Bat. Andrew.

What's that, Rose? Those are your middle names. Yeah. Those are my middle names. Did you not know guys' middle names? Alexander Halifax. That's true. Look at his passport or something.

Yeah, I can show you. Hey, look, I've got a message. He's got a great passport photo too, actually. We should put that up, shouldn't we? We should put a photo of that up. I've got a message here from the wonderful Alice Pocock, including... Our friend Alice. It's got an image attached to it which says,

15 Fragen an Patrick Schwarzenegger. And it's 15 questions in an Austrian magazine. She writes, My Austrian magazine has dedicated an entire page of their magazine to questions for Paddy Schwartz. Now, admittedly, it's the last page of the magazine, so it's clearly not a priority. But on the the other hand what a surprise and lasting last memory to leave me with look at him all fancy in his fancy suit is it an austrian yeah hashtag party time

do you reckon he speaks austrian well if his interviews anything to go by he does probably it might just be translated though right maybe? Maybe a little. New addendum. Perhaps this Austrian heritage is what has drawn the attention of Woman magazine Austria. And Woman is, the magazine is called Woman apparently. W-O-M-A-N. Who knows? Either way, his party ways are parting their way all over Central Europe. Thank you, Alice.

It's always good to have someone on Paddy Watch. It's really good to have someone on Paddy Watch In the continental Europe as well He So he I posted a photo of my butt the other day On Instagram Your asshole No just the cheek Not my asshole

Yeah and he Not only did he like it Because I tagged him in it He put a little He commented on it He put a little love heart on it That is huge Guy Montgomery's star is on the rise everybody

We still follow each other on Twitter I'm telling you One day The three of us will have a beer I'll die a happy man Once that's happened Once you get a tattoo of someone On your body You're inextricably linked

There's a dangerous precedent to set For stalkers You're going to get a lot of entitled stalkers With a lot of freaky tats It doesn't entitle you to anything per se But For stalkers. You're going to get a lot of entitled stalkers with a lot of freaky tats. It doesn't entitle you to anything per se. But, yeah, I can't stand behind that. I guess it doesn't.

What's this track? What's this great jazz track? This is the sort of music you want. Artie Shaw married to Ava Gardner. Very bad husband. But man knows how to compose a jazz joint. He made her sing. He made her sing? That was a good back announce from Rose.

Did you do any radio, Rose? Where at? Georgia FM, wasn't it? For a week at Georgia FM, a radio station, I did the morning show with Tim Lamborn that was yeah it was hell

I had to get up at 5am to go and get fucking roasted by these like electronic dance music fans I introduced I was cool

I played a Yacht Rock song every morning and every day people would either like would either be really happy or freak the fuck out

and be like what the fuck is this fucking shit? The first lesson of radio is you do not read the text machine. Yeah. Because those aren't people. No. The people who are texting in while the radio is playing aren't ordinary. Those are people who are looking to antagonize.

I would occasionally text in if I heard something I really loved and be like, yes. But otherwise, it's just unbridled aggression from munters. I literally just um one of the segments i just did every day was what did you eat for breakfast and i thought it was rocking to be honest i love that sort of segment all the notes and what'd you have for breaky hall of notes and oats that was rose's contribution to georgie fm it's a great uh great segment title hall of notes and oats in the hall have you got any messages, Tim? Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's interesting, isn't it?

Because the friend zone is sort of the antithesis of that mentality. Yeah. We read all the messages that people send to us, and they're all bloody lovely, because the fans of our show are fucking awesome. This one is a little message with a little cash attached from Warren Marg Brown. I was just re-listening to some of your back catalog and felt like shit for not throwing some dough your way thanks for the laughs boys

i love to laugh that might just be me though i got a biggie here you ready i'm ready man let me put my listening ears on hi Timbles and Guybles I hope you're still receiving messages is that like Gerbils because that's a weird

it's spelt like no no he's just trying to create some consistency amongst our nicknames sweet sweet sweet I hope you're still

receiving messages as I'm pretty sure the podcast is finished by now I'm about halfway through season 3 after listening to all of the previous

seasons on the way to work your dulcet kiwi you know the word dulcet is the compliment we receive the most so your dulcet kiwi tones have numbed the rage of an awful daily commute for almost a year now anyway in one of the episodes guy described as a child the feeling of going over a large bump was what he thought having a vagina was like that was the funniest shit i've ever heard you say that was an outrageous claim. I couldn't believe my ears

as that is exactly what I thought as a child as well. No way. There's more of us out there. How did this happen? I think it's because of the feeling of everything going up and there's a funny feeling in your tummy.

It's so comforting to know that someone else had a similar weird thought pattern as my child brain. I'm a doctor now in the UK. I would absolutely love to come and work in New Zealand for a bit. Do you have any advice on where it would be nice to work? Any cities you would recommend? I think...

They're all good. I think Auckland and Wellington are your two major stops. New Plymouth, underrated. Beautiful city. So is Tauranga, although it's not underrated anymore. It's just rated as it should be. Tauranga Although it's not underrated anymore It's just rated As it should be Tauranga is fast becoming

The Florida of New Zealand Go to Christchurch Buy a house for a dollar And help the community my dude It's our hometown And it was You know A number of years ago

Devastated by some earthquakes It's still devastated By those earthquakes They're back on the up So get in there I just want to thank you Tim and guys For the hours of entertainment

I keep banging on To all of my friends About the podcast And I've got most of them listening now we used to play a game at uni where we would go into a second-hand dvd shop and buy the cheapest worst looking film we found some absolute bangers including one about yuri gala that spoon bending boy curing people in his sanitarium of insanity parasites sorry i've rambled on for quite a bit now i would genuinely love some advice about new zealand and working there if you get the time to respond. Josh.

Do you think we've aptly responded to Josh's query? Not really. I mean, I don't know what the relationship in medicine is between the UK and New Zealand, but I imagine you've got the same diseases and cures. So come on down and roll the dice, my friend. I know the American system and the New Zealand system are completely incompatible,

but I think if you're part of the NHS in the UK, you can do like a little catch-up thing and come to New Zealand. But you can probably Google this. Hey, Rose, it just seems like we do have someone with a vagina in the room, and it would be... Come on! Well, I'm sorry, but it's just this was a specific query. Who would know that?

That's true, I guess. Yeah, idle speculation. It was just... So there's a phenomenon which Guy described on the podcast once, which this writer just wrote in about, that he believed the sort of the feeling of having a vagina was akin to going over a bump. When you lose your tummy going over a bump. When I was a boy, that's what I thought it felt like to have a vagina.

Thoughts? Wait, to have a vagina, like a constant state of that? I guess, I don't know. I was young, but was young but yeah like i was whenever we go over the bump it'd be like oh that's what it's like oh because it feels like it's going in yeah yeah a little bit a little bit i wouldn't say because i mean the thing is i have one and i have gone on the record we gotcha i i've gone over a bump before so then i don't know what it feels like because then i'm double vagina yeah see i don't know what it feels like to have a penis exactly it's a i can't i can't compare that because the variables are too different because i don't have a dick i can't see how that'd be similar it might not be similar at all because

i've got a vagina and then i'm going over bumps and that's what it feels like i imagine that's what it feels like for you yeah i feel like um it feels like um okay okay here's here's what it feels like to have a vagina is like uh you know when you have you play that game like at a school fair where you have to like hold something between your knees and like walk or something that's kind of what it feels like it feels like. It feels like that's just there all the time. That's not the best feeling. It's a challenge.

No. No, but it's all in, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's sort of like a... You're keeping it all like... It's like when you're tucked into a bed quite tight. That's nice. Yeah. I like that.

That's what it feels like. That's a great description. I think you're rising to the challenge of articulating what your body feels like that you're in all the time uh you got any more there tim oh give a girl a chance here's one uh tomer tomer oldman threw a huge amount of money at us, 50 US dollars, and said, Hey Tim Tam and Geiger Counter, I like to think of myself as a pretty decent person, but it seems I also like hearing two other humans

being slowly tortured week in, week out. Thanks for having a terrible idea and following through. T. I'm not sure if Tom would want me to say their name. Oh, that's okay. It's our pleasure. T? T, it truly is. I've got one here. Look, I'm just sure if Tom would want me to say their name. Oh, that's okay. It's our pleasure. T? T, it truly is.

I've got one here. Look, I'm just going to say... It's a pleasure now that it's done. I'm going to show you what we have. And I'm just going to say a huge shout out to our boy, Chris Brown. Christopher Brown. Oh, no, we can get into this. Who's going to come to us?

We're playing music on this thing. So, we've gotten onto the what the guy and i lovingly refer to as the brain machine um i can't remember his first name what is it neil neil brain filmmaker and uh he's originally from las vegas nevada and he makes films and he sort of has no right to do so but he keeps doing it and we've been watching them and um putting our reviews up on the patreon and someone has very generously generously directed us to where we can find one of his very hard to get movies on the internet and we thank you yeah thank you very much because they are so hard to get he's such a weird dude he puts a lot of time money and energy into making

these movies And then becomes incredibly fair Yeah, we've said it before The only way to get them is to pay him And he'll send you a DVD But it sounds like even that The process has fallen over With that too

I've been on the forums and everything I've gone real deep with the brain machine Hey, this one's from Charenton. Sure. Probably pronounced that wrong, and I do apologize for the mispronunciation. I reckon a third of all friendzones

is you mispronouncing and apologizing for mispronouncing names. Probably. Minute for minute, that is what most of the content is. Dear Tiny Tim and Sir Guy Bush, Havistam, St. John, Montbatten, Gomery, Smythe III.

I'm a big fan of that. I'm not sure if you're still doing the friend zone. Narrator. They were. That was just me putting something in. But if you do read this, feel free to use my name. It would give me great joy to hear you try to pronounce it. Oh, okay.

Should I go for the whole one? Yeah. Tarantin. Oh, boy. That was a swallow that you heard on the mic. Mark Hopan... Yeah.

Definitely butchered that. I highly doubt you'll read this. Narrated, they did. Anyway, since it's long and kind of a bummer. Oh, no. I've donated 15% of a Patrick King via the website, but I wanted to personally let you know via email, because I am indeed very old school,

what an impact you two have had on me. For some context, I was late to the worst idea of all-time party, but your work resonated with me in a way I couldn't have predicted, and you'll soon see why. I've burned through season two and 25 episodes of season three, and after that, I'll get Hal to catch up

on the origins of your madness and Patty Schwartz party time in Prawn Salad. I'll just press pause in the email here. If you didn't know, so the first season of The Worst Idea

currently resides with Hal. That won't be the case after i think it's august wow when it's the dealings it's quite soon closer so i'll bang them all back up just so everyone's aware if you want to share it with friends and family or do another trip around the mulberry bush fill your boots do it back into the email we go a few years ago i lost my best friend the term best friend doesn't really do our friendship justice he He was my soulmate, and I think the universe, I was able to tell him that before he stepped out of my life forever. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him.

There's a hole in my heart where he used to be. When I discovered your podcast, it felt like my friend was back. Your easy rapport and banter with Guy and your genuine love for each other reminds me so much of the way my friend and I interacted. Listening to you two, it's like he's still around. We had virtually identical conversations 10 years ago, and if the interwebs were around back then we might have acted on an idea this stupid we were also mr show and peep show ogs and pre-taped

call-in show was our absolute favorite he would have loved your podcast such a good bit um as often as i've laughed out loud at your shenanigans, I've cried, sometimes at the same time. Anyway, I want you and Guy to know how deeply I appreciate your work. It's more than just a few yucks for me, though there have been many deep yucks, or something to listen to while I fold laundry. It's therapy. It's profoundly funny and sad and moving all at once. It's a way for my friend to live again. As long as the internet exists, your work will stand as a monument to him. What prompted me to write this now is your profound stream of consciousness riff in season three, episode 19,

on the life of a man who loses everything and everyone in his life only to die in quicksand. Because what is life besides a collage of moments? That was you. P.S. Do you remember that? Yeah, I do. You went on an absolute tear.

You two should be way more famous than you are. When are we going to see the single cam HBO sitcom about your exploits? That's the entirety of the email. That is such a tremendous sentiment

and message and I really want to get the pronunciation of the name right now because it feels like it's going to undercut the sentiment they're going to laugh at you for failing Tarantin, I want to say thank you so much for

putting that down and sending it to us, that really means the world to me Tarantin Makopadjai gee whiz that's a challenge, That was a beautiful sentiment, and we're so happy for the laughter and the tears. Crying's great.

It is. It's a big part of being human, and I love that in spite of you losing your soulmate and your best friend, that you have managed to find appreciation for the fact that they were around and you guys got to hang out for the time that you did. So here's to friends, Guy, you and me.

Everybody out there. We're all friends. We're all in the friend zone now. Hey, the other ulterior motive that we have to chucking this one out right now, or maybe this is just context for things that are happening in our lives, is we've still got shows on. We're moving around the world. We're flying all about.

That's right. We both finished our runs in Melbourne. Had a great time. A lot of worst idea fans turned out, so thanks to them. Someone made bespoke prawn salad t-shirts and came dressed in them. That. It was awesome. I didn't get that.

That's class. Yeah, it was pretty cool. So thank you to everyone who came along. You're in Sydney this weekend. I sure am. Come. That's class. Yeah, it was pretty cool. So thank you to everyone who came along. You're in Sydney this weekend. I sure am. Come see me in Sydney. It's Tim Batts speaking. It's the weekend of the 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th of April.

I'm confident I'll get this. And I'll be in Auckland, New Zealand doing my show on the 27th and the 28th. And then I'm in Wellington on May 1, 2, and 4. And then Sydney May 15 through 19. Here's the trick, folks. You've got to buy tickets to see the shows. There's the trick to it. That is the main thing.

Some people don't understand. They go, okay, this is the normal life cycle of what happens. You put out all your promotion for your show, and then you go and do the show. And then between three days and three weeks later people will go oh fuck yeah i didn't go to the show and you go yeah what you had to do is you had to buy tickets and then attend the show exactly that's what you had to do so don't be um caught up in the the usual hurricane of regret get yourself into the uh downpour of delight that

is guy montgomery and tim batten they're good shows tom i thank you so much for listening please keep the correspondence up we love hearing from you also i can't remember we've announced it but we have huge news everybody prick your ears up for this you're gonna love it we uh have recorded a whole season of a new podcast uh with the promise of one more season to come. We'll release it, I think, as a bundle. Yeah, I reckon we just biff it all out at once. Let people enjoy and gorge. It's a whole new podcast.

It's a whole new podcast. But it is similarly flavoured to Worst Idea. Exactly. And it's Tim and I, and we have some guests come along the way. It's going to be a lot of fun. So we'll give you more information on that as and when it's ready to release. So, otherwise, have a great day.

I'm going to send you out with this lovely track. It's Bing Crosby. Love to all. From Guy and Tim. With Tim and Guy, come to the friend zone And have a good time, yes it's the friend zone With Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time