The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Thirty Eight

Episode Date: February 23, 2017

Timbo's pining for his Louisville Slugger of yore and GuyGuy is baffled by time. It's another Friendzone over the internet and the boyz are letting letters from as far afield as Bhutan! Imagine that. This fast running train is derailed briefly by a Beatles title being worked into a message from a fan and there's contact from Grown Ups 2 staffers! Lots of excitement, lots of friendship. Jump aboard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. We're doing a mini festival with your favorite shows in Auckland, New Zealand on February 25th and 26th. Details and tickets are at littleempirepodcast.com slash live. Well, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good time. Yes, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy, because making friends is the best idea of all time. Hello and welcome. Damn it. Oh my gosh, damn it. Tim, we didn't talk about this beforehand because I thought we were on the same page today.

But here we are, talking over the top of each other, right out of the gates. Yeah, it's true. We're still separated by time and space, but mainly space. Because I guess we're on the same time plane, aren't we? Are we? Is separated by time and space but mainly space because i guess we're on the same like time plane aren't we are we is that how time zones work i mean i feel like we're in different times i've already had breakfast you presumably have not here's what i think actually i think that in the same way that different countries have different languages of their own native tongue i think everyone should be on the same clock but it just means different things to different people so like 6 p.m in new zealand

could mean first thing in the morning it's when the sun comes up but 6 p.m on the east coast of the united states is dinner time when you go home for dinner because the sun's setting can you we just everyone keep it consistent so that when i say 6 p.m it's 6 p.m across the whole planet that i couldn't agree more saving stuff can you imagine coming up with the concept of time and then being like everyone i got this and the just volume of confusing and difficult questions that would have been thrown at you and you're just bullshitting you're like yep don't worry go contingency for that you know have you ever at you, and you're just bullshitting your, you're like, yeah, don't worry, got a contingency for that. Yeah,

have you ever seen the international date line? It's all, it's someone, it's like someone coughed, while they were trying to draw a straight line, with a sharpie. Yeah, but somehow, we've all just stuck by it.

I mean, they were really, you know, flying by the seat of their pants, and by Jove, haven't they done well. It's just hubris, isn't it?

to Ms Ms or Mr time for your very useful invention which is exactly why Tim and I know to speak to each other right now

and to you because this is Friendzone 38 that's a lot getting them in the bank aren't we alright guy do you want to

kick off with it oh sorry I should add as well that I'm still in Japan, just picking up a hotel room and getting,

getting prepared to leave. So I thought it was appropriate that my trip to Nippon was bookended at the start and end. Certainly.

I can imagine no more romantic way to end what has truly been a whirlwind trip to Japan than recording a podcast over Skype with me, dear friend Guy Montgomery. Also, as we are at the top, before we get into it, I encourage everyone, please, to come along to the Little Empire Podcast Festival happening this coming weekend in Auckland city, New Zealand on Saturday and Sunday,

the 25th and 26th of February. You're going to see us live along with a host of other little empire shows, all which Tim produces. It's going to be a hell of a time and I'll tell you what, it's going to go so much better with a live audience. Thanks guy. It's yeah. Go to little empire podcast.com slash live don't be fooled by the

name there will be multiple podcasts on over the weekend now to the grisly business of the friend zone that would be us talking with you our dear listener uh tim this is the first one i got for you this week and i love it Who the fuck pronounces it Ray Lee? Rally North Carolina is said like trolley without the T. I live in South Carolina, only one state over. Sorry, dude. If you're not in the state, you're not a fucking expert. For 30 years, and that's the only way I've ever heard it pronounced.

Well, it sounds like someone needs to broaden their horizons and get the hell out of South Carolina. And down here to auckland new zealand where we pronounce rally north carolina however we so choose well let me follow up your message with a message from mark who got in touch with us in the first instance on feb 11 uh saying i let it go the first few times but for the love of god it's pronounced ray lee he's followed that up three days later, obviously listening to the friend zone just before this one, saying you pronounced it Ray Lee again. Rah, rhymes with blah.

Ugh, I give up. Have you got a guy named Mark or are they two different people? No, I'm dealing with a guy called Robert. And then we've also on the subreddit over at red.com forward slash r forward slash twioat we've got a conversation going titled can we come together

as a community and figure out how to pronounce I didn't see that from L.A. North Carolina oh man let's get a few comments that's good

it reads I don't know if everyone who emails in actually sends poor Timbo contradictory pronunciation keys or if his kiwi tongue just can't twist it into the right shape.

But I feel like we need to get to the bottom of this. And then there's just a conversation about whether or not we're doing it on purpose. Look, can everyone stop getting so butthurt about how I pronounce and Tim pronounces Rally North Carolina. Rally

like a political event. Yeah, I'm trying to, now I'm just reading through the comments saying, so, okay, so there seems to be a bit of a consensus forming around Raleigh, Raleigh, North Carolina. Who, I refuse to pronounce the word Raleigh. That doesn't make any sense to me. I don't know, man.

I think if that's its name, we should respect it. Look, I've met Americans in New Zealand who have had a real hell of a time with various different place names in our native te reo. And, you know, occasionally I'll be like, if they're close, i'll be like ah it's it's pronounced thusly but generally speaking i'm like look this person's here for a good time they don't need me stepping all over their pronunciation of place names the place names a lot of them probably won't remember when they leave or maybe they will maybe they've got better memories than me who's to say all i'm saying is uh until i'm in the fair town of Raleigh, North Carolina, I will pronounce it how I so choose.

You've really nailed your colors to the wall now, mate. Hey, also, just while we're on the TWIAT, fuck, it's hard to get out, isn't it? The subreddit. Thanks to everyone who congratulated me on giving a beautiful woman a diamond ring. That's very sweet lovely messages you were saying thanks to their congratulations for you having your penis out during the last friend

zone they did say that too the top comment on the thread is congrats tim was the biggest shock of this week's friend zone the second biggest came when guy asked if you were recording the podcast naked spoiler you're goddamn right he was beautiful stuff uh okay tim i believe you might have a an email to dig out of the old email browser dearest timbaldor timbaldon and flash kitchum i will try not to let this get too long but apologies if it blows out slightly i was introduced to you brave boys by my girlfriend uh whilst on a five-month trip through South and Central America. I was not really down with the idea of becoming, quote, a podcast person at first.

I want to know what you think that is. But I eventually decided to give it a go, starting with season two. Less than five minutes into the episode, you already managed to stray far enough from the movie to discuss the Queen taking a dump, and I thought, you know, maybe this podcast thing and these boys are okay since that humble beginning i have not looked back i managed to listen through all the back catalog of seasons one and two

including the madness of five hour energy whilst away and caught up to just after we returned home to australia you have been my companions through 11 countries on long overnight bus rides plane trips mountain hikes and much more and i listened to death to a splat episode one on a particularly You have been my companions through 11 countries on long overnight bus rides, plane trips, mountain hikes, and much more. And I listened to death to a splat episode one on a particularly steep time climb in the Inca trail in Peru. I've possibly spent more time with one of your four theme songs stuck in my

head than any other song in the last five months. We've also received the pleasure of seeing Paul Blart too in Spanish on a bus ride through guatemala my girlfriend and i recommended twia the worst idea to anyone who would listen while we were away and received a wide range of responses from genuine interest to genuine what the fuck i feel like i owe something in return for the many hours of entertainment you have provided so i'll throw some money your way shortly but i thought i'd drop you a line first it was also a pleasure to catch guy at his first perth show i've started listening to my bim bam and boners of the heart and looking forward to getting into the other little empire shows

as i get around to it all hail brady love every moment love every day stay brave you good boys lindsey ps tim's child jump is 48 hours short is great. What a lovely fucking message from Lindsay. Oh my word. I'm behind there. What incredible coverage. The depth and breadth of research into the surrounding materials of Worst

Idea are staggering. Lindsay's gone deep. Thank you so much, Lindsay. Namely, mostly in fact For coming to see my live comedy show I mean all the podcast stuff's great as well I love people getting in touch I'm going to quickly ignore what you're talking about Guy

I love people saying about how they listen to us Like on international tours It's real cool I feel like I've done travelling too I've got a message uh that speaks directly to that um which is from a an actual a friend of mine during my university days we haven't seen for probably what was university probably like eight years uh fuck you are old he messaged me a few days ago he said hey brother uh long time listener first time caller huge fan of the podcast

i got really into it in 2015 when i was in bhutan and i remember as the pod was getting more popular you and tim were enjoying all the various exotic locations where you were being listened to i was living alone in a pretty remote village where the nearest foreigner was three hours away by car and i thought the boys would get a kick out of knowing you had a fan out there in the wilderness i'd listen to youtube when i'd cook every night anyway just before i left i thought i'd record a little video for you both but then i never got around to cutting it together until now i took audio from an episode i really enjoyed at the start of the current season anyway here's the video i don't know if you want to put it on your page or whatever or if you want me to edit it and throw a little tagline on the end you guys are spreading your tentacles around the world love your work um and then he uh linked the video which i watched

and i will share after this friendzone goes live on our facebook page it's um this is from a friend called alex who's always super interesting and doing weird little things like cutting videos yeah clearly he's an interesting dude he's living by himself in bhutan yeah listening to two guys go insane while cooking his meals and decided to make a short film about it but speaking to that whole it's only like it's less than two minutes long but speaking to the um to the whole listening to it while you're a broad thing the video really captures just the whole it's just you know like you listen to podcasts at all sorts of different times you're doing all sorts of different things but to to have it played out uh over like quite a sparse and like um you know foreign landscape

it's it's quite an uh what's the word i'm looking for engaging engrossing experience where you sort of get a feel for what it's like to listen to it while you're surrounded entirely by a foreign environment. I wonder if... Oh, shit. Sorry, only Guy will have experienced that, but I dropped him.

I dropped his advice. Certainly, I experienced that. Sorry. It was like I dropped you right there on the metal table over in your entirety um find a way because it's a little bit technical finding a way to extract the audio from the podcast episodes and cutting your own video i guess people who do video editing will kind of know how to do all of that crap but what a cool idea and i hope it inspires um one other person precisely not two

one other person to engage in a similar project that is a tough number to put out there because well they'll be like god i wish i'm oh someone's probably already done it you know you really paralyze people uh for fear of being a copycat but yeah i'll I'll post that video from Alex on the Worst Idea page on Facebook. Alex, thanks for doing that. That's really cool. I immensely look forward. Probably the wrong word. It's literally for me.

I look very much forward to seeing that video. Would you like a message from a man named Max? More than anything. Dear Timbo Jones and comic book guy, as a fellow Kiwi, it does my heart proud to see you guys

getting out there and making a name for yourselves in the big wide world. It also gives me a smug and frankly misplaced sense of superiority

every time you mention something that only people from New Zealand will understand. Then proceed not to explain it. For our international listeners,

Te Reo, that guy was referring to earlier in this episode is the language of the native maori people of new zealand just to bring us all back up to speed so i've destroyed your smug moment max sorry about that he got to enjoy it and then you took it away from him don't know what a k bar is better get googling you dumb yanks in lieu of a donation i had intended to see both of your shows in wellington at the comedy festival this year as i'm writing this guys release the dates but timbo is not will you be doing a show this year tim i would simply love to give both of you some of my

hard-earned new zealand dollars as most of those i currently possess while earned listening to your ridiculously funny podcast if you read this on the friend zone maybe don't say my name but if you did already what am i realistically going to do about it cheers for the entertainment max ps guy my girlfriend who claims to have seen snort comedy over 40 times took me to snort when you're in wellington last year it was probably the funniest night of entertainment i've seen please come back oh wow uh another lovely message from max last name redacted even though i wanted you so badly to blow this fucking slackers cover and let his boss know what's going on i don't know why max has been turning in some pretty shonky financial reports uh because the guy cannot focus for longer than five minutes. Do you reckon that's why he didn't want his last name mentioned? Because he specifically did say...

If he was confident in his position and the work he was turning out in his workplace, I feel like he would have been like, say my name, I've got this thing on lock. But the nerves are what sort of... They're a tell to me, Tim. I appreciate all of the positive feedback though max and i look forward to giving you my new stand-up comedy show in wellington and tim you can now put them out of misery and saying that you will also be doing a

stand-up comedy show in wellington that is so true and the dates that i'll be performing in wellington finally i got bats theater i've asked for it every year for the last like five years and they finally gave it to me. I'm so stoked. I'll be performing in Wellington from Tuesday the 9th of May until the 13th at the Propeller Stage at Bats. The tickets, I don't think, are on sale yet, but they will be very, very, very soon at comedyfestival.co.nz.

Are yours on yet, Guy? Because they're doing this new staggered release system. Yeah, I've just gone up What week are you there, did you say? Oh, he knows May the whatever May the 9th May the 9th, what's that, week 3?

Oh, uh Week 2, but I just missed you I'm there the week before Oh shit, I wonder if we could do it Oh, it says you're on May 9th Oh wait, maybe that's Auckland. Look, this is a very boring conversation for people. It sure is.

This one coming in from a correspondent on the previous Friend Zone, Zach Coomer in Louisville, Kentucky, who said, Hello again, boys. I just wanted to clarify an error that I made in my last message that you so graciously read in the Friend Zone. I actually ran into the All Blacks on my way back to Chicago from Los Angeles, not in Louisville. So I remember being very confused as to why the All Blacks were flying.

It was a real chin-scratcher, as I recall. My inability to probably explain myself well under the influence seems to have struck again. I'd also like to thank Tim for getting back to me so quickly via email about the typo on my recent data cap purchase. The fact that they're considered collector's editions only brings it nearer and dearer to my heart and its boner. Keep up the inexplicably great work, my friends. Sincerely, Zakumi.

Inexplicably great. That is lovely. What a compliment. Thank you very much for that, Zakumi. That is greatly appreciated. And thank you for clearing that up because i was starting to send some pretty aggressive emails to the new zealand rugby union about why uh our boys were spending time in louisville when they you know very well should have been training in chicago

it's a good question have you ever owned a louisville slugger no are they those small baseball bats yeah i think they're normal size i actually had a small like replica one for the life of me i can't remember what i did to it but i held it very near and dear i got it as a um i think it was like a souvenir from a maybe a substitute teacher or a teacher aid or something from america um when i was in primary school uh and i fucking loved it i don't know what happened to it man there is uh very little in the world that feels better than swinging the old wooden bat at the uh at the round ball as it comes correct actually the hotel that i'm staying at in

shinjuku tokyo is right next to um some like batting cages have you gone out there and they love baseball here i haven't swung any but um i've just kind of watched people who are very good at it do it those balls move pretty fast yeah that's fair but that sounds so much less satisfying oh yeah definitely without doubt well there you go my turn your turn joe webb writes to us hello tim possible and lucy in the sky with diamonds as you may be aware the ue you're gonna rise out of you that's good uh the ue survey is crying out a little fucking pointless lucy in the sky with diamonds oh it's good stuff sorry as you were lucy and the guy with guymans yeah i think sky for guy is a cleaner transition to me than ignoring um yeah it's not important you know it is important let's dig into this does isn't that what makes it great though the fact that okay i think that

that's why i laughed, I guess. Well done, anonymous writer. It's Joe. I admire your sensibilities. Joe's got a top email address as well. It's literally just his first and last name at Gmail. It's bloody good. As you may be aware, the US of A is trying out a little coup at the moment,

so my feeble financial influence is spent in support of the ACLlu and planned parenthood and other organizations affiliated with the rebel alliance over here this is my excuse for not hashtag paying the boys i hope you'll understand uh let me take this opportunity to say joe i do while i've got you here i thought i'd ask a few lads conspiracy tips for dealing with troublesome ants they've been invading my kitchen for nearly two years now and will happily consume any form of organic matter available, including every poison available to me, yet they return. Please advise. P.S.

They bite. I feel like we're getting into my brother and me territory now, which by the way, you can watch their first episode on CISO or, if you're not in America, on YouTube. Have you seen it, Guy? I have not seen it yet, but you messaged me as soon as it came out

singing its praises. It's bloody good stuff. It's lovely to see those boys on TV where they belong. Where is this? Can I be so brazen as to ask where in the world these ants are stationed? What do you mean? Well, these ants bite. i have no familiarity with biting ants

i don't know if the the way to deal with them is different from non-biting ants but i'm just curious as to as to where just the different parts of the world where ants bite well the only clue we've got is the us of a i think there's biting ants pretty much everywhere there's there's biting ants in america there's biting ants in australia we might even have them in new zealand i think they're a bit rarer biting everything in australia they've got such a terrifying array of native animals they really do it's kind of like god went hey why don't i make the world's largest obstacle course here where it's just desert for 90 of the area and wherever there's fresh water there's i don't know 6 000 different species that can kill you and we'll see how people get on oh man

crocodiles in australia saltwater crocodiles grow to the size of 16 feet we're supposed to have gotten rid of all of those kind of animals like they're supposed to be gone now we had them for a while and it's fun to put them in kids picture books and make models of them and put them in museums but i don't know why crocodiles didn't get the memo they're not supposed to exist anymore it's not your time five meters long oh man in answer to the ant question i think what you need to do is get at least one, maybe two, even extending up to three. I was going to say anteaters. But you'll probably need mousetraps for the anteaters once they start procreating and getting out of hand.

You don't want the cane-toed effect to take effect. I would probably go down to your local hardware store, pick up a couple of mousetraps, a couple of anteaters. If they don't sell them there, maybe, I i don't know check your closest jungle or pet shop and just yeah really really white knuckle it just hope for the best um yeah don't give the ant eaters names because then you'll get attached and the ant eaters will inevitably fall prey to the mouse traps i'm just trying to figure out what eat and eaters and uh it appears to be jungle cats we're talking jaguars pumas and mountain lions yeah you're getting into legally dicey territory once you're importing big cats into into suburban areas but certainly if you can get your hands on a on a

jaguar let me know because I would love to come over and see one in um in a residential area yeah that'd be that'd be super great uh thanks for getting in touch thank you and that is from joe this one comes from a man named david he writes gentlemen thanks for the incredible entertainment so far my name is david and i'm writing from boston massachusetts always fun to say i work in the film industry here and was the craft service company that worked on grown-ups too yes my business partners and i were very involved in this movie and have had a great time listening to your show anyways i'm writing because we have something for you that we think

you'd appreciate please forward me an address so we can send you something awesome. There is so much about the movie we wish we could tell you. I'm so excited. But you're beating a different horse now. Thanksgiving for keeping us entertained during the long drives. Keep it weird, sincerely.

David, name redacted. Team, name redacted. Boston. Man, David, tell us anyway. I want to talk about it. This is what the friendzone is for We can talk about grown ups too on the friendzone I haven't written back to David yet But I will do so at the close of this

Record Certainly what an intriguing Message Fuck yeah that's great I'm excited to find out what he's got for us both informationally and physically uh evan writes my dearest friends i donated slash wrote in a couple months ago but my message was not read on here i apologize let me let me stop down even and say to you from my heart tim bat i'm sorry about that it doesn't happen very often but every now

and then we do we've got a bad system so i'm also sorry about that and i'm not about that it doesn't happen very often but every now and then we do we've got a bad system so I'm also sorry about that and I'm not sorry that we accidentally missed your message I'm sorry that we've gone back on our word to each other which was to ignore all correspondence from you, you piece of shit, you know what you did I didn't read the last

um oh yeah, okay do you want me to read the old message or should we just continue on with the with the first one i've found the old one it is very old it's from like october uh follow your follow your heart tim uh nope here is a continuation of the current message uh i don't know if you can hear my stomach grumbling as well but i'm gonna mic it up soon because it feels like it's got something to say uh on the podcast this week. No problem.

You all have a lot going on. But interestingly enough, someone else wrote in with the same pun I had included on my message. I felt some relief knowing that the world would hear it and also get to enjoy the splendor that it is. But sadly, due to the pun's nuance and Tim's borderline illiteracy,

it was botched and disregarded. I thought that surely someone would write in and correct it but at least that never came anyways what the other listener and i were trying to convey to you is that they've been making a mistake on the show every week and it needs to be remedied once and for all you've been assuming that james reed said he got zicoli a gift that was seen the n and t are in capitals, guy, and sentimental. But in fact, he got him something... C-D-mental. Sedimental.

So obviously... I see where this is going. So obviously the MacBook Pro box is small bits of sandstone, dolomite, shawl, flint, uh sorry rock salt coal and limestone so so sediment rocks stones that are on the ocean floor guy thank you for everything you boys do i love the show and i love my boys you're good boys and you're brave boys this is where guy says something like we gave up on the joke because this is a shit joke or something to that effect with love from oklahoma this guy's got your fucking number guy god damn and that's why i'm sick of him fucking writing in

with his shitty puns and telling us how to deliver them um he gave he gave us a fabulous amount of money though so thank you very much even i'm sorry i didn't read your message and even you know i think this is a good time for me to say that money can buy forgiveness, and what you have given us is truly above and beyond the call of duty. And I've always liked you, and I've wanted to read out your correspondence since you first wrote in. But Tim, he's a tough taskmaster, and if he gets vendetta against someone for whatever reason, he'll see it through to its death. So I apologize on Tim's behalf, but thanks a lot for writing in.

I've always been a huge fan of your work you're a great guy great great man uh and certainly i think if i was to ever have children not that i know that i will but if i was um i would i would look to you as a role model for them and uh as an example of how to carry oneself both professionally and personally your drive uh your commitment to excellence, and also the deep sense of empathy you show for those around you. Certainly, I look to learn from you and turn those into cornerstones of my own existence and my own personality.

So thanks a lot for that. Quite the diatribe. Yes. Dear Tim Guy and Flash Who is also co-hosting very quietly this episode It felt like you were on a real tear And I didn't want to get in the way of it to be honest It felt like you got up a lot of steam and a lot of momentum

I don't want to get in front of that freight train I wasn't talking about you I was talking about popular comic book hero the flash who has been oh i'm sorry instead of my desire to be called the flash he's just been introduced as a third correspondent on this friend zone and according to this message oh gotcha nice tim comma guy oxford comma and flash forgive me if this question has already been asked but if there was a mash-up film between grown-ups to sex, Sex and the City 2, and We Are Your Friends, what would be your vision for this film as writers slash directors? How would the story go? I love you both and love your work. Your friend, Sean Kelly.

P.S. You can say my name because you two do what you goddamn want and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Guy, this is going to be a tragic answer that i think is going to deprive everyone of joy uh mainly this gentleman who's gotten in touch specifically but i just i don't feel i don't feel like i can do it today i feel like that is a creative endeavor that requires a lot of energy i don't have i've just woken up haven't even had my first coffee of the day it's hard to get into we've poked around the sides of it before um pitting the enemies of each film against each other and how we think that battle royale would carve up but i just don't think that i can plot out a uh that's fine and fair tim i think the most important thing to

remember here and that sean's uh sort of cotton on to is that these films do all take place within the same world the same universe and um certainly if there was to be some sort of uh treacle which is of course when a film releases a sequel or a third uh installment a treacle is when three previously separate franchises combine forces um you know these questions would be answered and i think the tone that would be struck would be incredibly different from from the tone that all the films take uh or have taken i think it would certainly have a slightly more apocalyptic uh you know current running through it and beyond that i'm with tim i think this is a conversation best left for another time when we're maybe in the same room maybe in the same time zone yeah yeah good stuff um nick says dear guy mont bumblebee

and tim batteries here's a list of the type of boys you are good handsome silly fuck it's good stuff long time listener first time caller uh i'm a senior at the university of missouri oh the same school your friend mentioned spending some time at way back in episode one which spooked me something fucking hefty what are the odds okay is that tim lamborn why was he at missouri he went on a transfer and spent a semester at mizzou oh shit anywho first day of classes all round my anthropology professor walks in and is spitting and is the spitting fucking image of our lord and savior timothy bat from his spicy little head to his spicy little feet for a dude uh who's way into this stupid fucking atrocity of a project you boys are committing this was a gift i've chosen to

reject the existing reality and substitute it with my own, one of which Tim is my actual flesh and blood, no-fooling professor. In this world, Tim has committed so hard to a bit that he's spent nigh on a decade perfecting an American accent, learning everything there is to know about hunters and gators, forged credentials in order to obtain a professorship in Midwestern US University, and takes the time to travel from new zealand to missouri three times a week in order to pretend to teach a class just for shits and giggles how does he accomplish this herculean task by teaming up with one of the few immortals on this little blue marble and

exploiting his powerful infinite japanese crafted abilities to travel faster than the speed of light yes through sheer force of will and expertly applied dick-botttery, old Spinley is pulling off the most intricate and unnecessary con of all time. If by some chance this is the nature of our reality, but you don't want the joke to be spoiled, signal me by wearing a shirt and blinking at least 11 times over the course of an hour. I'll know it's really you. Excuse me.

Sorry for the long message, but this has been rambling around in the old think noodle for a good long while and needed to come out. You can say my name, but only if you do it in an exacerbated, tired breath, as if I'm your misbehaving stepson that you've long given... Jesus Christ, I'm really misbehaving stepson that you've long given. Jesus Christ, I'm really losing it, guy.

As if I'm your misbehaving stepson that you've had just about enough with to be with. Love every moment. Hail every rat king. Nicholas Glover. Nicholas Glover, take a bow. That is an exceptional piece of detective work. And Tim, the game is up, my friend. Well, here's what I'll say to that.

I'm not going to confirm that I'm traveling to Missouri three times a week. I'm not going to deny that I am traveling to Missouri three times a week. All I'm going to say is look into your heart and you'll find the truth um that's where it lives always everyone's everyone's got their own reality and if that's yours nicholas fucking power to you i want a photo of this professor though i want to see if you really have caught me out in the act uh or not so if you can please get one uh here's here's the ideal photo i would like a photo that has the face of a man that says why is there a cell phone pointed at me but he's only just had enough time to put that expression on his face not then change his face into one which is more ready for the camera you see what i'm saying a real unpolished raw fear would be good oh yeah

yeah no doubt i um it's just quite funny because i think it was recently you uh someone tweeted at you and you tweeted back saying they said that you you were in a movie i think a new release one or something uh and you said anytime someone on screen appears with the cheekbones of a crack addict, I get a tweet. It's true. Lots of people say, hey, you were on TV last night, Tim. It's like, nah, it's just another person with great cheekbones. There was that one super freaky one where it was like a perfect fusion of us both on like a local documentary or something. You know, on like a fair fusion of us both on like a local documentary or something you know on like a fair girl sunday type show someone flicked over a pretty spitting image of you uh popping up in

westworld as like a dead robot that was pretty awesome i'm seeing that one oh that was a good one hey guy i forwarded you an email do you have more messages because i forwarded you an email because i i feel like based on my performance in that last read um i'm well out of steam uh i do i'll read this email with with great it worries me how poorly i i get it reading when i do it for a little while out loud not a good reader out loud quite career limiting i think you're a great reader out loud here we go dear messes bat and montgomery i went to Guy Guy's fringe show in Perth last Friday. He might remember me as the guy who pissed him for a photo and made polite but almost certainly annoying conversation

as his friends waited for him outside. Are you with me, Tim? Yeah, say that again, sorry. I just cut out. Oh, yeah, you cut out a little bit too. I'll start from the top, eh? Mm-hmm. I'm not editing this by the way

oh great it's good it's good to know that we're human in spite of the fact that you all think we're perfect dear Mrs. Bat

and Montgomery I went to Guy Guy's fringe show in Perth last Friday he might remember me as the guy who pestered him for a photo

and made polite but almost certainly annoying conversation as his friends waited for him outside I actually really enjoyed our conversation and i actually wound up on the same train as your your friends later that night um either way the show was outstanding and he was an absolute stand-up gentleman not such a piece of shit after all it would seem well you don't

know i'm like i do let me say that you can say that. I went to the show with a friend who I'd introduced to the podcast a few months back. And once we left the gig, we met up with about five of her friends that I'd never met before and ended up sitting down for a meal with a few bottles of wine they'd paid for and brought with them. We ate, drank, and made polite conversation for a couple of hours, and then I called an Uber and said my goodbyes. drank and made polite conversation for a couple of hours and then i called an uber and said my goodbyes next day i came to the stomach dropping realization that like some kind of renegade sociopath i'd left without offering or even mentioning the notion of paying for any of my food or the wine they'd provided so even if guy wasn't such a piece of shit after all it's safe

to say that i absolutely am one rather than reimbursing those who unwillingly paid for my dinner i thought instead i'd use the money to hashtag pay the boys oh no so please find and close roughly 67 cold hard perth dollars oh my god that's so much and guy i look forward to coming out to see you the next time you come to sunny perth kiss kiss kiss for a kiss is always a gift tom norman feel free to read out the name on the friend zone uh tom i remember meeting you i remember taking the photo tom you actually do go to the trouble of telling me as you walked out of the show that i am a real piece of shit so to hear you retract that statement is most generous and can i say that um you've also

risked not just alienating five potential friends slash strangers, but the one close friend you had for this misguided social display and reappropriation of funds. But I could not care less because I feel a union is building between us. So I appreciate the message and the money. I appreciate the message and the money. When all those asshole hard right dudes are talking about class warfare, you're actually doing it, man. This doesn't seem sustainable like a good idea whatsoever.

I feel bad taking the money, but I'll take it all the same because it turns out the exchange rate of guilty dollar for non-guilty dollar is still one to one last time I checked. Absolutely. So thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thanks also to anyone listening in Perth, those who came out.

My word. I just, I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. So look, let's leave it there. Let's go our separate ways. Yeah. Guy, I'm going gonna be immediately after this watching the movie on a series of different modes of japanese transport and then attempting to record

an episode with you just before i board the plane i'm not sure how this is gonna go oh wow and this friend zone might play after the episode that is i can't remember where we're up to exactly but wish me luck yeah man i think i think you deserve luck uh i'm just gonna watch it at home by myself it's very warm i will say that for those of you who wonder if i ever watch the movie wearing a shirt the answer will continue to be no excellent stuff so just uh look while we're here on the friend zone as well let's put all the other stuff in there the the live shows once again guy brought that up earlier for all the podcasts on little empire uh um this coming weekend not sure if anyone's going to turn up to be honest so uh do us a favor go to little podcast.com slash live and the tickets are super cheap, 12 bucks.

It's in Auckland, New Zealand, by the way, so you've got to be there. Or you can go to all of them for 35. It's going to be great. And we're having a little party at the end, which you buy a VIP ticket and you can come hang out with us afterwards too. We're all going to drink some beers and feel good.

Yes. Yeah, and spin some tunes and some yarns. So Guy and I do, we will be participating in comedy festivals coming up the first i think for all of us now is melbourne right i will be going to brisbane before then on the 14th of march i start there and then in melbourne but uh if you want to see my tour dates i I'm going Brisbane, Melbourne, Auckland, Wellington, or Wellington, Auckland, Sydney, sorry. All available at guymontcomedy.com forward slash shows. Good shit, you. Yeah.

And I will update my website at some point pretty soon, which is timbat.co.nz, not.com. I need to get a.com, I think. Put a redirect onto there. I'll get it all up for you guys. We love you. Thank you so much for, to all the people who gave us money, obviously.

Thank you to you. To all the people who've reached out, less obviously. Thank you so much to you. And to anyone listening to this stupid fucking thing, thank you. Our gratitude is immense, immeasurable it truly is yeah next time you hear from us uh we'll be sad because we will have just watched the movie we are your friends see you there everybody bye bye well it's the friend zone with tim and guy come to the friend zone and have a good time yes it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good time.

Yes, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Because making friends is the best idea of all time. Thanks for listening to this podcast. If you're in New Zealand, come join us for the Little Empire mini festival on February 25th and 26th in Auckland. All your favourite shows will be there, including The Worst Idea of All Time, The Male Gaze, The Walkout Boys, and Bonus of the Heart. Details

and tickets at littleempirepodcast.com slash live.