The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Thirty Five

Episode Date: January 30, 2017

A surreal dream, a sentimental and Presidential moment, more pizza; Welcome back to the Love Zone. Spindly and Guybo share technical specifications of Patreon podcasting (soon), hats, other stuff. Chook-full of love!Auckland Poddy Fest tickets here Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands, now playing. This is a Little Empire podcast. We're doing a mini festival with your favorite shows in Auckland, New Zealand on February 25th and 26th. Details and tickets are at littleempirepodcast.com slash live. Well, it's the friend zone. With Tim and Guy, come to the friend zone. And have a good time, yes, it's the friend zone.

With Tim and Guy, cause making love is the best idea of all time. What if we changed it to the love zone? Well, you... And then it'd be making love. Do you like that? Nah. Do you like making love? Yeah, who doesn't?

Uh, asexuals? True. Hello, I'm Garmon Gormory. And my name is Tim Bat. Welcome along. Welcome to the friend zone. Episode 35. Here we go.

Uh, do we sound discombobulated? A little bit exhausted? That's because we are. We just watched Batman and Robin twice for the Patreon Deciders Club. And if you want to listen to it, give us some money. That's right. Head along to patreon.com forward slash T-W-I-O-A-T

That's for the worst idea of all time. If you want to get involved, if you don't, all power to you. Why are you listening to a friend's own? Because you're our friend and we yours. We're weary friends right now, though. We're tired little tuck it out little weary friends. I can't tell if it's because we've been shut in here for so long and my ankles are overheating or I'm genuinely getting destroyed by mosquitoes right now, but I'm itchy boy.

Yeah, I think mosquitoes. I saw like there's some big ones in this room eh where are they coming from where is the body do you reckon it's that pool next door uh because you need a body of water right for mosquitoes to they prefer it it's like i'll rent an apartment without a bath but i'd love it if you had one right you're like a mosquito we are all the mosquito tim and the mosquito is all of us i've got a message here from a very good friend of the podcast whose name is blank dear timbo the tap dancing tambourine and guy fawkes alexander hamilton halifax lloyds tsbB, NatWest, HSBC, Montgomery Burns.

Probably. Probably the best yet. I have not listened to the podcast for a few weeks, and I'm now blazing my way through the past few episodes. Hashtag, that's how I blaze. Hashtag, pay the boys. I tell you what, this guy's captured my heart. It was simultaneously hilarious and frustrating to hear Timberley

so ineptly explain nuclear reactions in episode 26. So here is a very brief explanation. Yay. Fission is the splitting of large heavy atoms such as uranium and plutonium into smaller elements. Whereas fusion is the combining of small light atoms into larger heavier elements. Typically two hydrogen nuclei into a single helium nucleus. The sun works by fusion, and the earlier nuclear weapons were fission-based,

whereas modern weapons use a chain of fission and fusion reactions. Hopefully the above is useful to you in picking apart the dastardly schemes of Page in his quest for immortality to rival Braden Dickbot and Brady the Rat King. Do not forget Kevin. Keep up... I said that, not blank.

Keep up your good work you good good fuck boys hashtag dick full of diamonds mouth full of concrete please feel free to say my name as you almost certainly have already and also please come to the UK

Tom Van Dongen pleasure to have you Tom Tom that was a great message I loved every part of it I loved the start I loved the extended riff on Guy's name. I loved the scientific explanation of Fusion and Fission. I love

where you're from. And I love that Guy got an opportunity to do a little bit more voice work. Get that accent in there. That was good fun. Anything you want to say to Tom? To Tim? To Tom. Dude, I respect you. No, to Blank. To Tom. Oh, hey Dude, I respect you. No, to blank. To Tom. Oh, hey, Tom.

I respect you. That's a good message. Okay. Here's James. James writes, P.S. Sorry about the blank email before. Finger slipped. You may read my name.

Okay, in that case, James, he's James Millam. Dear Timbly Scott and H.R. Geiger. I think those might be science references as well. I had a surreal dream where I watched you two argue about whether or not to eat at jerk pizza for the podcast. While this is probably leftover Blaze Pizza drama from me dozing off while listening to the podcast, hashtag pay the boys, i felt it represented your personalities fairly well guy asserted that the listeners demanded at least some level of maturity from

you as adults and tim felt that as an adult he had license to do whatever the hell he wanted and he wanted pizza this wasn't particularly funny it just really stuck with me and i figured i'd share that's the same as us james we don't know if what we're doing is going to be enjoyed by anyone we just do it anyway the email continues anyways want to let you guys know how much your podcast means to me i have chronic depression oh we've taken a turn now with james and i always know that when i'm feeling alone or scared i can tune into the boys and have friends with me right there yes you can james that's why we created the zone you boys are talented hilarious and legendary you will always be my friends may your final watches be swift and your friendship be strong in the name of brady the rat king and dick bot i bless you your fan james millen pronounced

my lum sorry for mispronouncing earlier james it's a much more sing-songy pronunciation than tim was giving it credit for. P.S. I have a middle name, but it would mean the world to me for you to give me a shiny new Worst Idea Approved one. So, James, your middle name from henceforth is Featherston. Oh, James Featherston. I've got one here. It was a lovely message, James.

Thank you. From a boy named... thank you from a boy named he's just a boy Luke looking at a computer telling it to send a message to the fuck boys

known as Tim and Guy hey boys first thank you for the shout out on the pod it really made my week second I just subscribed to the Patreon and I gotta say

you boys are more than deserving your humour and kind hearted spirits are sincerely refreshing hope you boys achieve all the success you rightly deserve as a side note don't be so modest i know it goes against your kiwi nature but i couldn't think of any two boys more deserving of this amount of praise than you two love and friendship your friend luke i immediately reject this message Luke. I shall not accept it. Accompanied by a gif of

Zicoli rolling tummy down on a skateboard while throwing a shaka at the camera. Soon followed by full disclosure. I'm pretty drunk but my sentiment remains your national treasures. And then a message roughly eight hours later. Yeah.

Lol Jesus. Three sheets to the wind last night. Apologies for the aggressive compliments. Not at all. I want people to message us more when they're hammered. I reckon it's a lovely time to send and receive messages. Yeah, no, I couldn't agree more. What was the gentleman's name?

Luke. Luke, good on you, Luke. Cool hand, Luke. We've been sent just a URL for a New York Times story with New York Times what's in the blue box from Tiffany an investigation we got kind of sent this thread

from a few different people this was Tiffany gave it to Tiffany Trump who is Donald Trump's daughter that doesn't get seen as much as the other kids gave a gift in a blue box to Michelle Obama and I still don't think

that we're at the bottom of what's in that box. But it's great to see figures of international import latching on to the sentimental gift segment that we do every week and running with it and making it their own. If you look at the photo, it is... Is it MacBook box proportions? Similar to. It's flat and it's more square than rectangular,

but it is loaded with curiosity. What's in the box? What's in the box? Getting sentimental with Tiffany. Honestly, I could not tell you. I imagine it's probably just a collection of feathers from exotic birds. I'm going to seek in there. I think that's a great guess uh tim yes this one from connor jenkins g'day connor g'day connor

how you doing whose name i don't have permission do you mind if we say your full name connor because we just did sorry about that hey tim g'day connor i sent a paypal donation of 15.88 the other day with a fairly lengthy message Just wanted to confirm that it got through Why didn't it look Everything gets released out of order And sometimes we skip messages and things Let's have a look

Oh here we go Oh that was Okay let's have a look G'day Connor You boys are good boys You boys are fuckboys Here's to Zagoli meeting up with SJP and Sandler for the trilogy finale episode. Now that I've paid you, we've formed a contract.

Should have thought. I like that. Should have thought of that, you dips. Shout out to Ryan. This man is in Australia. Connor, that's not that lengthy a message. I wonder if there was more there that we've missed. If there was, feel free to get in touch with us again we'll read it out because there is not a uh a huge

but oh my god i just closed all the messages oh god they're gonna be hard to find again uh when will you learn my friend anyway connor g'day cobber here's to you g'day cobber uh i know you don't want me to read this out tim But I'm going to anyway That's ominous I don't know what you're about to read And I wish you would have used your judgement Hey boys Still down for figuring out how to acquire a hat from you bros Oh okay who's that

Kiera I can mail you a check or do something digital Oh we don't need that Kiera We saw you at the podfest Yeah look I tell you what keep that one open i should sort that out sort out the hat i got another one for you tim there's another hat uh similar i don't know why you insist on airing this dirty laundry during the friend zone but go on Let's shake the sheet out and figure out what it's all about. I've lost it.

Oh, you have. Well, let me read one while you find it. Are you good? I found it. Come on, mate. Pull it together. You can edit this out if you want. I refuse to do any editing on our podcast.

This is a guy who is asking if you got around to enabling private RSS feeds on the Patreon. Oh, all right. Three people this is relevant for. Thanks for bringing this up on the podcast, Guy. Feel free to edit this out if you said so. I absolutely won't. I guarantee it.

I will make a point of not doing that. This should serve as a warning to you. If you do. This is punishment for Guy Montgomery right now. Well, I'm not listening to this. I will enable private Rss feed on the patreon so that you can receive it in your uh in your podcast catching apps what that's going to enable is for people who are patreon givers givers to us to be able to listen to the podcast we put out on there the deciders club where the patreon

contributors vote on a movie that we watch twice in a row and then do a podcast episode of, you're going to be able to get that right into your podcast catcher instead of having to log in, usually on like a laptop rather than your phone, onto the Patreon website. I will get that done.

You're a legend. Can I just say also, we shook up the formula moments ago when we watched Batman and Robin. Yeah, this friend zone will be coming up probably quite a bit after that but go on uh well that's to say if if maybe the concept of the patreon uh that double feature didn't appeal to you what we have amended it to is we will watch a movie as chosen by uh patrons uh back to back the first time just as is and the second time

while laying down a director's commentary over the footage dear com today you ready okay let's go the hunt for the

wildest movie of the summer everybody run ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands. Now playing.

You're going to get the Dercoms. And let's just say that while Tim and myself couldn't be in the studio while the director's commentary was laid down for Batman and Robin, Akiva Goldsman and Joel Schumacher had a hell of a time.

Respectively, they are the screenwriter and director of batman and robin here's a message from dennis that reads thus dear tim bowtie and sky montgomery i haven't heard that one before first off feel free to use my name dennis mersman repeatedly i'm a washington phil fergus you got it i'm a was... Cyril Fergus. You got it. I'm a Washington, D.C. resident who a few months ago offered him $35 in exchange for his hand in marriage and some sweet New Zealand citizenship

if the presidential election in the U.S. went squirrelly. See what I did there? Well, the xenophobic chickens have come home to roost. There was no last-minute reprieve, and today a man who feels bullied by Meryl Streep took the oath of office. Here's a $10 down payment on my dowry to show that I mean business. I await your response. Thanks for the laughs. Yours in love and friendship, Dennis Mersman.

P.S. If you ever come to D.C., I've got a couch that fits two slender Kiwis and a beagle who doesn't know the meaning of personal space. Dennis, I went to Washington, D.C. What did you make of it? I liked it. I liked it a lot. It was quite cold. I was walking around the National Mall with quite a sore knee that I popped out when we went dancing at a bar in New York City, as you recall. And the cold seems to affect it quite a bit now.

But I still got around saw lincoln you had a gammy knee for the duration of that trip i did for most of it yeah funnily enough uh the next time i went to america i had a gammy knee that's always i'd never put the pieces of the puzzle together because why would you do you think that it is uh the the universe is suggesting either we cease working together for fear of us both traveling with gammy knees next time, or perhaps... Just stay out of the States, I think is the message. ...that we grow closer together

and fuse our bodies and spirits and souls and consciousnesses into one. Here's a message from Derek. Do you want to move in? Timbo and... There's plenty of space. Guy, Guy. I started listening to season three. Should have donated a long

time ago, but better late than never. Anyway, your pals over here in the US need you more than ever. You were certainly my shining light today. Our only hope is that Brady accelerates his plans to overthrow our government, but until then, we'll just have to look out for each other. To that end, if this happens to be

read on a friend zone, here's a quick shout-out to the ACLU, Southern Poverty Law Center, and the other anti-hate groups that will be working overtime. Lots of love, Derek. And interestingly, Derek has seen it fit to give us $20 instead of the American Civil Liberties... What's the U? Union? You would imagine so. All about the unions.

But worthy shout-outs for a great liberal cause, and I apologise to all our staunch Republican listeners for this anti-government sentiment. Can I just say, Tim, that we got tweeted at a lot recently. Oh my God. I found the big message from Connor, by the way. Oh, you found it? Yeah, sorry, but you go.

I just want to say, like so many people were tweeting at us and the McElroy brothers about a piece of signage that went up online accompanied by a tweet. And the sign read, CBS Donald Trump approval rating 32%, Rotten Tomatoes Paul Blunt Mall Cop rating 33%.

And I just want to give credit where it's due to a good friend Eli Matheson who stole the image from his father who texted through to him to say I'm

yeah if you've seen that image and that went that went pretty huge that went pretty gangbusters online dude that was that was massive

it was everywhere if you saw a young woman holding that protest sign about the comparative ratings of Paul Blart and the incoming US president, that was our mate Eli Mathewson, who was a co-host of The Male Gaze, G-A-Y-Z,

which is another show on this network, and it's bloody good. Yeah. So get it in you. At Eli Mathewson, Mathewson spelt with two Ts. Don't give them that. You get them to listen to the podcast. Got 69,000 retweets.

That's a lot. And a funny number. And that's funny. Connor's large message is, Hello to my two favorite Kiwis. I've been listening to the podcast ever since you guys from, oh, sorry, ever since the guys from Welcome to Night Vale recommended you and have loved every episode.

That's very generous. Really? Every episode. i'm in a long distance relationship with my canadian wife i'm from the uk myself and try uh and try to get in a good long visit twice a year and by this time next year i will hopefully have moved for good the first time i stayed i was a young fool and overstayed my visitor record by a few months before eventually returning. And subsequently, when I returned, I was denied entry from the country, having to turn back knowing my wife was on the other side of the airport door.

Wow, that is brutal. That is brutal. Needless to say, this was very traumatic for me. I had regular trouble sleeping and recurring nightmares of the event, or I would just sit in my bed frozen by anxiety unable to sleep. Then I discovered you boys and that made things a lot easier on me suddenly I wasn't thinking about that event nearly as much and it

felt like I'd made a couple new friends to boot. I figured seeing as this is the last season it's about time to give you a proper thank you in the form of some card cold hard cash. So here's me. Card hold hold cash hold that card and then send us the card so thanks for helping me through such a difficult time in my life ps don't know if you use don't i don't mind if you use my name when you read this out from connor

connor jenkins thank you so much to the two individual different donations of money yeah those of you listening if you you work in Canadian Border Patrol, watch out for that name because you've got to watch that motherfucker like a hawk. Nah, do the opposite. You've got to listen to Leash. He's got a known history of overstaying

his welcome in Canada. Yeah, but he's not doing anything bad. I certainly hope we do have members of Canadian Border Security listening to the podcast because it would be a real shame if you let that fish through the net. and I certainly hope we do have members of Canadian border security listening to the podcast because it would be a real shame if you let that fish through the net. Connor's a nice guy.

You leave him be. Unless you work in Canadian border control in which case, take him into a side room, interrogate the shit out of that boy. Okay? God knows what he's capable of. This one's got a word doc attachment

which is concerning. It's from of. This one's got a word doc attachment, which is concerning. It's from Juliet. Hi, TB and GM. I'm writing to you to share something existential. It is existential with Juliet. It is that point in the season where it may be relevant and maybe not. I took an existential philosophy course last semester, and for my final research paper, I was able to write about almost anything that applied to the course the result

is attached it is in large part an earnest defense of the worst idea a defense you never asked for or truly probably ever wanted i'm sincerely sorry the first half of the paper does not apply directly to you and the whole thing is exhaustedly jargony so feel free to skip around or command df to find sections you've featured in or toss the whole thing entirely just sort of pass it along uh so that you so you knew you've been drawn into this draining academic realm also thanks to you in part i got an a it was a relief to find some justification for all the hours i as a film student have put into listening to you. In part, I got an A. It was a relief to find some justification for all the hours I, as a film student, have put into listening to you two and some of what I hate most about American film.

Your friend, always, Juliet. P.S. You may remember me from Friend Zone 17 back in August. I had much lighter issues to discuss back then. I guess I was more concerned about squirrels existence than my own p uh sad how times have changed pbs if you're ever on the east coast and want to come do stand-up or live episode at something at a college consider checking out the wild nightlife of middleton ct i don't even know what ct what state is that connecticut. Connecticut. Of course. Connecticut. Yeah.

Juliet. You thought we didn't say that soft C, Juliet. First of all, Juliet, never share credit for an A on a university paper. That's true. That's yours. With Tim and I. Because you do yourself a disservice. And yeah, we will take it from you.

And as we all know, credits can't be shared. So congratulations. you just lost your tertiary qualification oh no yeah this thing's a lot of pages i might have a read of this later do you want to just read a sentence at random stop sure okay look pages just loading i'll avoid getting too far in explaining how this podcast is comedic explaining a joke inevitably renders it unfunny but it seems necessary to give some basic description of how comedic explaining a joke inevitably renders it unfunny but it seems necessary to give some basic description of how comedic strategies in this example in fact uphold existential ideals and how it is working as art that is sincere not in the bad faith of escapism which comedy is often

dismissed for operating under the podcast does have an absurd premise possibly even a stupid one but it also arguably but it is also arguably very funny that is arguable juliet good qualifier writing philosophy papers sounds fun because you're not like dealing in absolutes you're just putting forth and i always preferred that to maths because in maths exams it's like you've got all the tools to solve this problem and i'm like that makes it infuriating that i can't whereas in english i'm like i can just write some stuff down make this up i guess and you have to accept it guy i'm so drained are you um devoid of content are you good dude i'm so good julia i want to say to you in particular thank you so much i'm going to have a further read um of your little mini dissertation that you've given us could you put that onto me tim absolutely not and i want to

wish everyone out there a merry january there's a chance i guess that this will be coming out very early feb and i would like to remind you to go and see if you're in western australia guy montgomery live doing stand-up comedy guy what are those details those details? Hey, Tim, I'm so glad you asked. I will be in Perth starting on February 7th through February 11th playing at the Noodle Palace. The show's called Let's All Get in a Room Together. If you want information, head along to my website, guymontcomedy.com.

And now would be a great time because all the comedy festivals in our neck of the woods are starting up now to like us on Facebook is our comedian pages because that's where we put updates for tickets and stuff. So especially if you're in Australia, Sydney or Melbourne, we will be doing shows separately and a live podcast show there as well. Don't know if tickets are on sale yet, but if they are, they will be sitting on our Facebook pages. It's a delicious live podcast show there as well don't know if tickets are on sale yet but if they are they will be sitting on our facebook page it's delicious live podcast hey everyone thank you so much for being our friend i'm so tired thick and thin so hungry through highs and lows i'm gonna go and play a game of touch rugby now wow i'm gonna go lie down for a sec Bye everyone Batman and Robin Director D. Durcom Sitting on Patreon

It's for ya It's there Love you Goodbye It's the friend zone With Tim and Guy Come to the friend zone And have a good time

Yes it's the friend zone With Tim and Guy Cause making friends Is the best idea of all time. Thanks for listening to this podcast. If you're in New Zealand, come join us for the Little Empire mini-festival on February 25th and 26th in

Auckland. All your favourite shows will be there, including The Worst Idea of All Time, The Male Gaze, The Walkout Boys and Bonus of the Heart. Details and tickets at littleempirepodcast.com slash live.