The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Thirty Seven

Episode Date: February 16, 2017

It's all jacuzzis and diamond rings in Osaka, Japan for your friend Timbly and rainy days and no sports for The Flash as the boys dive into the Friendzone to thank their friends very much for their support. Listen to this ep to find out what the perfect amound of coffee is and what a quilt is! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. This is a Little Empire podcast. We're doing a mini festival with your favorite shows in Auckland, New Zealand on February 25th and 26th. Details and tickets are at littleempirepodcast.com slash live. Well, it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone, and have a good time.

Yes it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy. Cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Hello and welcome to Friend Zone 37. Coming to you in part from beautiful Osaka, Japan. My name is Tim Batt, co-host of The Worst Idea of All Time. My name is Guy Montgomery, co-host of The Worst Idea of All Time, but more importantly right now, The Friendzone. I am broadcasting to you live from my lounge in Grey Lynn, Auckland, New Zealand, on what is truly a drizzly afternoon, bordering on just outright wet.

And speaking of wet, Tim, would you care to tell our good friends who have joined us what exactly you're doing right now? I'm going to see if I can provide an audio clue. I'm in a jacuzzi. Oh, baby. God, you're a big boy. I'm in a jacuzzi oh baby god you're a big boy um I tell you what when

when the chips start falling your way they certainly start falling fast and Tim it's been a hell of a few days for you over in Japan yeah it has

um I ate a whole bunch of crazy fish stuff at a at a Michelin star restaurant of uh crazy fish stuff at a Michelin star restaurant. Crazy fish stuff. I'm sure the chef will be very pleased with the descriptors you used to review the meal.

Honestly, I couldn't even tell you what it was. Everything's like a fish egg put on top of a pig intestine, but displayed beautifully and it's fresh air. It's like they've just ripped it out of the animal. They bring out the food and they're like, look, I'm not going to tell you what part of the fish this is, but rest assured, this is some fish stuff. Well, that's what happens by virtue of the fact

that I don't speak or read Japanese and I'm in their country. So absolutely, it's an educated guess. The other big development was I have become engaged to my girlfriend because i got her a lovely ring and asked her uh if she would let me be her husband at some point and she said that would be fine congratulations thank you very much guy i am i'm well stoked stoked truly on cloud nine and in a jacuzzi yeah cloud nine is mostly just when you're engaged in a jacuzzi in osaka japan god life is good for you man it's really raining here i mean i have nothing

else to report aside from the fact that in your absence while uh the I called the Jets rage on and you begin planning the next stage of your life with your beloved the the dry arid lawn out the back of my house is getting some much-needed moisture content boy well truly it needed it then that's a good thing I guess yeah yeah I couldn't agree more I've just found out out my game of touch rugby has been cancelled this evening, which is upsetting. I was looking forward to that.

If I know Guy Montgomery as well as I think I do, I know two things about him. Number one, that's going to be a big blow. Game of sport being cancelled because of the rain. And number two,

you're a big piece of shit. Yeah, I thought you would. It's been a while. It has. Between sips from the shit goblet. Should we dip into the old mailbag? Yeah, we should. Just for those of you who might not know what you're listening to,

this is not a podcast whereby we're about to review We Are Your Friends. Thankfully, we have not just watched We Are Your Friends and will not be discussing it. This is a podcast where we engage with you, our friends, and one another. It's a place of sharing and loving, and loving and sharing. Tim, would you like to take it away? Yeah, here's one. Stop me if it sounds familiar because it was from a while ago, but it's coming up in my email list.

Have you ever read out an email that you didn't lead with the sentence, stop me if it sounds familiar because it was from a while ago but it's coming up if you ever read out an email that you didn't lead with the sentence stop me if it sounds familiar i probably not at this point hi bat and monty i made a donation through paypal many months ago and have recently realized that i never heard you mention it on the friend zone so i want to make sure it got through if not we'll give it another go while i have your attention i'd love to get your opinion on something do you think maximum joseph got his dream casting for this movie i feel like he really wanted to coley and page dick full of diamonds mj seems like a total walking dead bro but i bet there is a long list of models he wanted before somaly and someone like chris pine to play james reed or any actor that doesn't

have the psychological centre part and facial hair in The Hunger Games. Or psychotic centre part and facial hair in The Hunger Games. What do you think Lord Maximum's dream cast would have been for this movie or do you think he feels like he nailed it? If you were making a movie about this movie, a la The Room and

The Masterpiece, who would you cast in the lead roles to play MJ? I hope New Zealand Summer is treating you both well as New York slowly turns me into a popsicle. Please come back to the city soon. What a wonderful message with a silly...

That's from Susan. Susan from Brooklyn. Thank you, Susan from Brooklyn. Rest assured your donation came through and we made a real point of ignoring it and you. So well done on slipping through the net and getting into the friend zone. My congratulations.

Good stuff. Also, very good offer with regards to casting decisions made by Max Wim Joseph and ones that we'd make ourselves. I feel like he, I feel like he would have wanted Wes Bentley to play James Reed from The Feelers. I feel like that was one that was at the top of his list. Like Chris Pine, because what the movie has going for it is it's an earnest art, sort of arty piece. And if you've got a big movie star like Chris Pine in there, as well as another big movie star in Zac Efron it kind of loses

its way a little bit like I gotta tell you Tim I'm gonna hold this train of thought for a moment because when you put those jets on it makes a very unsavoury noise very loud in my ears

yeah that's kind of the intention behind that so I'm glad that that's working it's good that the button's doing what it's supposed to do it's good it's like trying to uh share an opinion in an airplane with an open door it really feels like i'm up against it um but beyond that i think they wanted squirrel oh man i tell you what we're deep enough in the movie that i can't actually really imagine recasting it. The only one I know that they wanted for certain was they did want Johnny Depp to be played by Johnny Depp.

Well, that much we know for sure. Johnny Depp was too busy buying yachts and finding extravagant ways to spend money. If the entertainment magazines have correctly informed me. And by the same token, I would choose Johnny Depp. If we did make a movie about the production of We Are Your Friends, I would choose Johnny Depp to play Johnny Depp playing Johnny Depp. That's a no-brainer for me.

So now how would that work? Would he sort of be the narrator of the doco? Or would we recut scenes of the film digitally to insert the actual johnny depp in and give you a taste of what the movie could have been with johnny depp in it he wouldn't be the narrator what you'd have instead is you'd have johnny depp in the recreation or the is it is that is the masterpiece a documentary or is it like a yeah i actually haven't seen it but i think it's a documentary that got made by the kid whose name escapes me from the room like the one of the main actors who's in it no i thought it was the frank the

franco brothers or am i thinking of something i thought the franco brothers like made a recreation of the room man don't don't know anyway who's to say i mean if you could cast anyone to play the role of maximum joseph tim who would you pick joseph just for the like comedy value of it mainly and he is in the movie we just want him more in the movie well Oh, Minimum Joseph, his friend. I always, sorry, in Hollywood terms, Minimum Joseph to me always means Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, well, he's just, he's quite short.

I think Minimum... Who, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is? Yeah, I think he's like, I'm pretty sure he's like 5'6", 5'7". You know, I watched that young man in the Snowden film on the plane. Quite liked it. Thought he was very good. Very good at being Snowden. Nailed the accent.

He generally does well. He's a good boy. Another piece of mail. Yeah, I've got one for you, Tim. Yeah. If I may. It's a short one, and it's mostly complimenting you, and I sort of am curious as to what was said.

Hey, good boys, I've been drinking. But I wanted to put on record that I'm pretty sure episode 32 was a tour de force from the kid Timbo love and friendship Nick from Sydney now that was the episode we're in uh we were ships in the night and we didn't get to record together what uh what sort of performance did you turn in Tim what were you talking about do you remember what a sweetheart I was just trying really hard guy because in spite of the fact that this is a pretty stupid podcast idea we do want to do it correctly to the best of our ability and correctly for me is making things fun entertaining good to listen to so it's

not a bore and uh i was i don't know maybe I was just upping the energy and trying my hardest to compensate for the fact that I wasn't being joined by my mate Guy who's there every week every episode

every friend zone too to bolster me to be the wind wind beneath my wings or the wing beneath my winds maybe I'm not sure how our relationship

specifically works done that diagram but either way this is just a boy trying hard and i appreciate the joys of recording across vast expanses of ocean and good on you for having a few brewskis mate bloody sky you see what's happened there is we just disconnected for a little bit guy yeah we did i kept rolling i'm sure you did too and oh absolutely we still it's just a nice little yanking of the chain i think yeah people listening to be like oh shit what's here we go yeah

alright very good you're going to leave that in people are going to hear our respective takes on the connection cutting out I went silent

immediately so it's just going to be you looking like a jackass and nothing would make me happier than to leave that in here's a message

from someone identifying as that black girl I've been listening to the podcast since you guys were mentioned on the other podcast I listen to regularly. How did this get made?

That's a long time ago. That's early in season one. Even though I think of you two as really funny, together and separately, I'm a little relieved to know that you will eventually stop. I really like you two together, and I would hate for your partnership to be ruined by having to watch these horrible movies each week.

I'm hoping that in the future, less will be more. Also, treat yourself to some spa time and some herbal tea. Black girl, I am. I'm literally in a spa right now. That might help to make it a little easier. Peace be with you. You are but one herbal tea away from preemptively abiding that fantastic advice i gotta tell you though i'm just in the environment that i'm in at the moment i'm

quite the bits of me that aren't covered by water are very sweaty because it's so hot in here and i'm just desperately trying to juggle one electronic device to talk to you guy and another to record this thing curiously close to the water and so it's um i could be more relaxed in light of your engagement it seems to me uh quite not necessarily telling but certainly a crazy move that the next thing you did was uh record a podcast in an environment which is more likely than virtually any other recording environment you've been in to electrocute yourself. It seems...

I guess you feel invincible. You're on top of the world, but just take it easy over there, bud. I definitely don't feel invincible at the moment. I'm very nervous. I'm very worried. And there's a lot of cables being draped across bodies of water.

But you know what? Sometimes you just got to say to hell with it i'm timbo give me my bubbles certainly you are the bubble king we all not we all respect it i've got one here from harry uh via the facebook page who's just it's a very short one it says figured who Coffee Guy is. He was off to make Teslas and rocket ships. And he's linked to a tweet from quite a popular guy called Elon Musk. I've heard of him. Responding to someone on Twitter saying, unusual this chatty for Elon with a winky face. And then Elon Musk, this was written at 7 a.m. in the morning,

New Zealand time on the 6th of February 2017, wrote, I just had three coffees. Which is, that's how much coffee Coffee Guy drinks. And that is, you know, that's a very... Because you don't just have three coffees. You accidentally have three coffees, right? Absolutely. I don't think anyone should drink three coffees knowingly in a row.

That's psychopathic behavior. You've just had two coffees, and you didn't notice but you had a third you don't just have three coffees that's you're asking for trouble here is um i think how that line works so you get so one you're on the up and up and it feels so good because you're energized and it's like you're seeing the world with different eyes it's like if you're a bit blind and then you put um uh corrective lenses on you're like holy shit i didn't know the world could be so clear and great on that second coffee you're like yes i'm focused i'm in the zone i am going to achieve everything i set out to do today this is the start of a whole new me and then on that third one the colors start to invert and uh straight lines start to blur a little bit into kind of like a

pastel line on a watercolor things start to melt in front of you and your tongue gets all upset and suddenly things seem a little bit harder than they did before rather than easier it's a tricky and important dance because the thing is there is that sweet spot between coffees two and three where you're really at the top of the wave and it's like in that moment you might only get five minutes of focus but yeah if you channel those five minutes correctly it can be worth the trip but if you it's like an atomic blast isn't it yeah it's like trying to harness that brief little window if you miss those five minutes then you're just like

it's just a very anxious fecal riddled ride into you know a disastrous afternoon oh boy I am hotting up in here it is warm that's good stuff Tim this one here let me throw one at you guy

Lindsay writes fine greetings Tim and Guy. I'm not clever enough to think of nicknames for you, Soz. I haven't corresponded in a while, but here I am now. In episode 32, Tim asked what people in America call duvets. Personally, I call it duvet. But most people call them comforters, and some get them confused with quilts.

I literally had a 25-minute argument with my drunk friend about this. I'll just... Hey, guys, it's Tim here. I'll just stop down for a second. I really like that mental image of having a very impassioned argument about what a quilt is. Because to me, a quilt is the ultimate comfort symbol associated with, like, grandmas and being handmade

and just being warm and lovely. There's no mistaking a quilt. i like that's what you grabbed into what i grabbed onto was the idea of having a drunk friend so everyone else is keeping a handle on this shit and this one friend is just tasked with perpetually being drunk and by the sounds of things quite irate because in their you know alcoholism they've failed to remember just basic bedding names for different things. You don't need to argue about a quilt, you really don't. It's not needed. Moving on

I have unfortunately Oh, you were still reading the same message. I was, I was. Let me just swap this around so I don't get electrocuted. Following on, I've unfortunately owned this movie, so I have seen it i won't get into the grammar there i found it at target for like five bucks on black friday a couple of years

ago and was like oh shit it's zach efron he's really fucking hot i should get this i wouldn't say i regret watching the movie but i think five bucks was a little much for the quality it's more of a three dollar movie don't you think? Anyway, I just made the connection that Jarhead was the character Mason. Only took 32 weeks, and Tim mentioning it, holla. So shouldn't you guys be referring to him as Mason Jarhead?

Get it? Mason Jarhead? I'm so sorry. Lindsay Jimenez. Lindsay Jimenez, you needn't apologize. That is a very enjoyable bit of wordplay you've created there. That's quite literally where the joke came from. Yeah. He looks like Jahir because his head's shaved from that movie with,

oh, what's his name? Spider-Man. Spider-Man, that movie? Who's to say? I'm connecting a lot of dots, man. Let's keep going. I'm sweating. I'm losing a lot of... It's all I wanted to say a lot of dots man well let's keep going i'm connecting dots it's all i wanted to say is uh in that conversation we had before about the room and the masterpiece

so it was going to be called the masterpiece but it's been uh change the titles changed the disaster artist it's being directed by james franco and oh yes the That is like a drama, like a recreate drama. Well, it looks more like a comedy to me now because the cast features both the Francos, Seth Rogen, like just a cavalcade of stars. One of them being Zac Efron. Fuck off. So isn't that something? That is great news. Good on him. Yeah. I'll watch the That is great news. Good on him.

Yeah. I'll watch the shit out of that. That's exciting. This is something I've just been alerted to from our friend Harry, who put us onto the positive PCP story from Viceland. Still haven't watched it, sorry Harry. We are featured on Snapchat today.

What does that mean? So on Snapchat, there are like these, you know, different companies have Snap stories wherein, and you click through and it's just like a well of content.

So you just click through a bunch of stuff. And one of the stories today was by a channel called Brother. So, you know, there's like the CNN channel, Cosmo channel, Comedy Central channel, whatever. There's one called Brother. I, you know, there's like the CNN channel, Cosmo channel, Comedy Central channel, whatever. There's one called Brother. I don't know what they do.

But the Snap story is called Insane Things Your Body Can Endure. And on one of them, it says, it's just a frame, it says, Grown Ups 2 is innocent enough, right? Starting in 2014, two dudes from New Zealand started watching Adam Sandler's Grown Ups 2 every innocent enough, right? Starting in 2014, two dudes from New Zealand

started watching Adam Sandler's Grown Ups 2 every week for a year. Afterward, they'd discuss it on a podcast, and each episode only dug them deeper into insanity. Be thankful they did it, so you don't have to. But that's like borderline, we're official trivia now. Oh, that's great stuff. Here I am in a spa tub in Osaka, Japan,

finding out I'm trivia. I love it. Yeah. I like that they failed to mention the podcast by name. Well, you take what you can get, Sky, in this world. You do take... Like, for example, I'll take the recording, hopefully, of this friend zone, and maybe my laptop will be destroyed because of all the moisture in the room.

You know? You've just got to be grateful for what you have. Anything is possible. I let it go a first few times, but for the love of God, it's pronounced Ray Lee, North Carolina. That is all. Mark from Philadelphia.

Also lived in Ray Lee for a couple of years. Well, if you live in Philadelphia and not Raleigh then don't fucking tell me how to pronounce the town name bud straight up for bat I'm so hot in here

keep going guy I need distractions to distract you I'm going to give you a message following up a request that we ignored this is from a guy called Thomas in Norwich, Norfolk, England.

Oh, he's from there, sorry. Any word on those sweet, succulent, private RSS feeds yet? Also, the episode from the club was spectacular. I've subscribed to a separate Patreon supporting you guys reviewing nightclubs. I didn't mean to give you the compliment. I mostly just wanted to give you something

that you had to bounce around in your brain as you slowly melt into a puddle of uh it's actually with mass it's with their help support it's with patreon's help support it's being worked out by the technicians all the monkeys running on the monkey wheels they're doing it we're figuring it out right now uh there's one called here's your graph from jeff and it looks long and complicated here we go tim bowen guy guy guy guy guy guy guy guy guy guy guy guy love the show i took the liberty of transcribing your coordinate plotting of where your friend's movie quality into a quadrant graph using zero-0 as the centre from which the movie, from which to move up to down and the y-axis

and left to right on the x-axis. With that in mind, I converted your rating of We Are Your Friends from 73-30 into plus 50, negative 45. You do the math. I took the liberty of plotting Grown Ups 2 and Sex and City 2 on the graph using only my deep knowledge of your opinions and tastes having never watched any of these three movies

myself. You boys are legends. Jeff in the USA. What I like about Jeff is he has not included a picture. He's simply described the schematics of the mathematical drawing that he's made and that's enough. That's it. I like that a he's made, and that's enough. That's it.

I like that a lot too. God, that's funny. What a tease. This one comes from Hannah, who writes, Hi guys. In one of the Friends on episodes, you read out a message from someone who has a podcast where they watch one half each of a film. Do you by any chance remember the name of the podcast

I've tried to listen to the friend ones but I can't seem to find it also Google is spectacularly unhelpful I hope you can help, thanks Hannah remember it Hannah I produce it on my podcast network, littleempirepodcast.com and the name of the show you're after is The Walkout Boys

which is hosted by two very funny dudes who've been podcasting for a while two great mates of guy and ours who have both featured on uh we're studying of all time and other seasons uh nick sampson and joseph moore so the name again walkout boys i think you're the description of it here is uh they watch one half each of a film so i think maybe what she was hen Hannah was thinking about, whether or not we speculated on or friends on about this, was doing one where they watch the first half of a movie and go out and record,

and then we watch the second. Oh, yeah. And finish it as like a podcast stack, I guess. Well, then that doesn't exist. So take your pick. One that's real and one that isn't. Or imagine one that doesn't exist. So take your pick. One that's real and one that isn't. Or imagine one that doesn't yet exist. Wayne writes,

Hello, sorry to intrude, but I want to drop your line in regarding a project of mine. Sorry to intrude. This very private conversation that we're having. In 2016, I challenged myself to watch... I'm sorry I'm not coming in with the hot takes, Guy, but I am losing a lot of power.

I'm sweating from every pore. Running out of energy as we talk. I love it. In 2016, I challenged myself to watch 365 movies in one year. Well, I completed the challenge and now have decided to do a podcast regarding the challenge. Mate, maybe you should have done that at the time. In all actuality, the films are just a jumping off

point but i want to do a podcast about older movies that people may have missed forgotten classics if you will the show will consist of one movie per podcast with a different guest on each show basically i would love to have you guys as a guest i probably shouldn't have read this one out loud if you want to check it out let's's give them the plug. GreatMovieChallenge.com. Would love to have you on the podcast, but totally understand if not, either way, I remain a loyal fan. Thanks again for your time, Wayne. That website again, GreatMovieChallenge.com.

Wayne, if I remember to, I will get in touch with you. I'm so sweaty right now. I feel like I'm in a fever dream and all this is making me laugh. I don't have much more to get through here, Tim, but I'm going to just burn through them because I really do feel like it's best for everyone if before you pass out and drop all of that electrical equipment into the jacuzzi, we put a pin on this thing and you can, you know. That's the thing.

That's what I'm concerned about, that I'm just going to lose consciousness. I'm not a sweaty guy. You know me. You see me a lot. I'm not a sweaty person, but I am just profusely perspiring from my face everywhere. In a public or a private jacuzzi? It's in my hotel room.

It's the strangest hotel room. Ah, you wearing underpants or no underpants? Would you be wearing underpants if it was just you in a hotel jacuzzi? I just hadn't thought about it until now, but suddenly, you know, in spite of the fact that you are naked, I feel vulnerable.

Yeah, it's part of the whole episode, really, hasn't it? Well, certainly I'm glad it didn't occur to me to bring it up until this late part of the conversation. Please continue. This one comes from Jillian, who writes, Well, I'm on episode 37 of Sex and the City now. I may watch it this weekend. Yes. Loving the podcast.

I was wondering, did you feel like you developed a slight Stockholm syndrome at this point? Jillian, do you have any idea in terms of time and both mental space, how long ago that was in my life? I have no idea what was happening. Rest assured, we weren't of sound mind. It definitely was a Stockholm syndrome. And I think we referenced that but then we got beyond the stockholm syndrome because stockholm syndrome is where you start

to empathize with your captors and we got past that so we like we hated the movie then we kind of got stockholm syndrome then we got over that and it was like breaking out of scientology and telling everyone the truth you're like everyone everyone guess what you cannot engage with this thing it's going to fuck you up warning warning warning families apart dear boys you can say my name if you want i am not the boss of you boy oh boy i finally get to do one of these only five bucks a month i know but it's better than nothing right i'll get right into it with a quick story in the more boring classes of high school i would watch the questions Questions for Carl podcast slash radio show about Carl Pilkington, which everyone in the entire world should watch.

Anywho, I burned through those pretty quickly and could not find an alternative. Until you two Gs came along. I started to binge the first season and would periodically laugh out loud in class. One day, while listening to the potty, my teacher played out a terribly depressing video about some girl who got her arm chopped off or something. Can't remember because I was listening to the podcast. As this video was playing, I burst out laughing from prawn salad

while this lady is getting her arm chopped off. Needless to say, I got some looks. That's all I got. If you are ever in the mission Vihol in California, you have a place to stay. P.S. On episode 26 of season 3, you mentioned all of the superpower creatures in this universe, but left out our Brayden from Grown Ups 2.

What gives? If I remember correctly, he's a vampire and kills people for fun. Yours always, Charlie Stratford. God damn, we missed out Brayden. That's unbelievable. It's hard to keep all these characters in your head though at all times eh? Certainly whether or not we mention them aloud rest assured they exist together

in the world that we've built for them so whether or not we remember them all every time is secondary to the fact that we know for sure they're out there So he's a warlock and I feel like it's important just to clean that up. This is the last one I've got, and it's just... Okay.

I'm sure you get hundreds of these a week, but listen. Listen! 2011, The Three Musketeers, is a disaster nightmare that needs to be on your list. Action, slash comedy, slash adventure, slash sexy, slash sexy slash cool slash neoperiod slash renaissance ninja movie? Woof! That one comes from Alex. And Alex...

Wait, what was the movie again? What was the title? The Three Musketeers, 2011. Oh, Three Musketeers. Oh, God, a remake without Billy Crystal. Alex, if you do want that to happen, a very savvy move of yours

would be to join the Patreon and if you make it into the Deciders Club which I can't remember what the necessary donation is you'll be able to vote on the movie that we watch once monthly Guy's got it

Guy's got it Yeah I do I do I have it So that's the correspondence I've got from the Facebook term Do you have any more to get through before you

you know melt into the ether? I just have one final message for you, Guy. This is from... From your dick? Because it sounds like it's from your dick. Bye, everybody. Bye, Tim. Bye everybody Bye sir Well it's the friend zone With Tim and Guy

Come to the friend zone And have a good time Yes it's the friend zone With Tim and Guy Cause making friends Is the best idea of all time Thanks for listening to this podcast If you're in New Zealand

Come join us for the Little Empire Mini Festival on February 25th and 26th in Auckland. All your favourite shows will be there, including The Worst Idea of All Time, The Male Gaze, The Walkout Boys and Bonus of the Heart. Details and tickets at littleempirepodcast.com slash live.