The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Twenty

Episode Date: September 13, 2016

A zone in which Guy and Tim plug comedy gigs that have now already happened (sorry, little late to publish this one) and Tim reveals what lies in waiting at BlazePizza.co.nz - a domain he personally owns. A national kiwi shaming of our whacky naming scheme for sports teams is shouldered by the boiz and the concept of a Very Grown Ups Christmas is suggested by a listener. Ultimately, it's all about LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP.Trailer: Boners of The Heart Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire Podcast. Visit us at littleempirepodcast.com. Well it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone, and have a good time. Yes it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy. Cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Blast off. Welcome to the friend zone with Tim and Guy. I'm Tim. I'm Guy. You're our friend. And isn't it amazing how you kind of reset what your baseline is? Because I used to be grateful. Well, I used to not even be grateful that you're in the room, Guy. I used to take that for granted. And then sometimes you're grateful because the internet works in general. And at the moment,

I'm very grateful because the connection seems to be fast and clear and without delay so despite the fact that we are still not in the goddamn same country after all this time um it feels like you're a little closer to me and you are and for good reason tim i have uh finally made it onto the continent i'm in the Antipodes, like the brave explorer Antipode, whom the continent or area is named after. I am in Sydney, Australia. Yes. In spitting distance of the world-famous Sydney Opera House, safely confined within the four walls of the room I'm staying in

and just really excited to be in the company of friends, while not in real life, certainly through the wires of the internet. Are you soaking up some culture there in Sydney? Are you going to see the opera at the Sydney Opera House? You know me, Tim. I like nothing better than a bit of opera on a Thursday afternoon. But sadly, the entire schedule of matinee performances of the opera

are off. Do you know I'm actually going to be doing the opposite of watching the opera in the opera house? I'm going to be joking around in the opera house. Are you performing in the opera house? I'm performing in the opera house. That's amazing. Plug that gig right up top

and we'll do it again at the end. It's part of JFL Sydney That's just for laughs for those of you not in the know That is correct and I'm doing two shows I'm part of a line up tomorrow night Called the Stand Up Series Which is a taping and that's in the

Sydney Opera House studio And that's going to be on Friday The night of September and then On Saturday I'm doing a show called Reastarby and Friends, which is in the Sydney Opera House Concert Hall, which as far as I can tell is the main one, which I find to be very intimidating. But even if the jokes aren't funny,

at least you can guarantee the acoustics are going to be just... Absolutely. Well, you least you can guarantee the acoustics are going to be just... Absolutely. Well, you can't actually guarantee that. I went and saw a performance of Carmen at the Sydney Opera House. And the woman who was singing was out of time with the pit orchestra. Because she obviously couldn't hear them quite right. And I tell you what, it was noticeable. There was a noticeable delay.

Well, yeah, that's good news for me because i fired my entire pit orchestra this morning saying i was going too paranoid of uh getting out of time with them yeah just get rid of them it's a complexity that you don't need as part of your performance they add nothing to shoulder that responsibility to crack them up by yourself guy i believe in you and they cost so much do you know when you hire an orchestra you don't just pay one person from the orchestra you have to pay every individual member fuck that fucking unions man i tell you what hey um i'll tell you what should we check in with some of it oh wait did you go through how people can get tickets for those gigs uh if you uh look up just for laughs sydney.com uh icom. Actually, I'll tell you what's a better idea.

Go and like Guy's comedian Facebook page because surely the links are up there, right? And also, you'll get a heads up on future gigs. The links certainly are up there, Tim, and I'm not putting them there right now. I am a very organized and efficient self-promoter. But enough about that. Let's talk to and with our friends.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I want to go at this too. Because I sent in an entry for this competition that the Laugh Factory is doing. Oh, yeah, yeah. And Pax, who's a good mate of both of ours and myself, have been selected to represent New Zealand in a competition called The World's Funniest Person.

And what I've done is I've just chucked the link to see my video up at blazepizza.co.nz to make it easy to remember for everyone so the way to there's like a hundred people who entered this contest and it's it's just a big online circle jerk so the more times the clip gets shared the more like points i get and um the top 10 people get flown to Helsinki to perform. Oh, fuck me. That'd be awesome. Well, I don't know.

I actually am not sure. I might have to pay for it. I don't know. But either way, you go to Helsinki. I don't mind paying for that if it came down to top 10 performers. So just go to blazepizza.co.nz and then the link that that actually takes you to. Do Old Timbo a solo. Just share that around.

Share that around the internet. That is such a good domain name. I'm so proud of you. All right. Shall we talk to some friends? Because I've got something here that I've just got to get off my chest so badly. Oh, go.

Riff in, mate. Can't wait to hear it. The start of the message, it's three asterisks. Must read. Followed by another three asterisks. The message begins thusly. Please do not use my name okay this is gonna be a goodie my girlfriend and i love your podcast anyways after a big day we put it on to fall asleep too long story short we started to

have some fun winky emoji as my girl was about the climax a little voice of tim put her off and caused her to start laughing we enjoyed the laughs but you did single-handedly stop my girlfriend from climax at the time much much love blank i really oh i don't want to know that's actually the perfect amount of information i was going to to say I want to know which episode and what was said, but do you know what? It's just a great event that I've got just enough information. I'm sorry about that. There you go.

Tim Batten, not only disappointing women that he's not with, but women that other people are with by virtue of talking. Sorry about that. That's good stuff that's a very that's got to be the most intimate message um in terms of hearing when people have been listening to the podcast huh yeah i don't think i've had one of those before and you know far be it from me to um pat ourselves on the back or i don't know quite what the turn of phrase is to celebrate such an event but i would like to think that you know this is not the only instance in which we've been on just by coincidence as people have i think we might even speculated about this before i mean surely just by virtue

of the number of people who are listening one of you might be doing something sexual right now i've got no idea i can't see you but it's thrilling to think about i'll chuck i'll chuck one in here oh guy guy 11 us dollars has come to us to the paypal uh at worst idea of all time.com from uh gabriel fitzgerald who writes hey there tim and guys i've gotten hours of entertainment from you boys over the years so i figure it's time for some recompense. So here are 15 of the Queen's finest Australian dollars. I'd also like to thank you for introducing me to Alice Sneddon and Rose Matafayo's Little Empire affiliated production, Boners of the Heart. Do you guys have a position on the hashtag Snedheads vs hashtag Matafans debate? Are you even prepared to comment on this delicate situation? Anyway, thanks for the hours of

hilarious content that you have generously excavated from your dwindling reserves of sanity ps it's okay to say my name on the podcast or not just do whatever feels right bro thank you gabriel nice um have you listened to bonus of the heart guy i have not but i tell you what i've got six little episodes lined up on my phone. Good on you. In terms of the Snedheads versus Metafans debate, because I actually produced the podcast. I was in the room as it was recorded the whole time and did a little bit of editing and popped that wee potty out myself. It changes, changes episode to episode.

But right now, on the fly, I'm going to say I am a Snedhead. Is it possible to be diplomatic, or is that for losers and wussy boys? Yeah, I think it's for losers, personally. Yeah, I think you should always... It can change where you are, but you should always be a Snedhead. Are you just pledging allegiance to the one that you like better in the moment? Yeah, yeah. We'll make it two votes for the Snedheads.

Good on you, guy. Yeah on you guy And take that Rose Diplomacy be damned You got another piece of ammunition For this friend zone Do I ever This one comes from our friend Brian Who begins Don't read my last name please

Wish fulfilled, Brian. Well, boys, I have a theory about Grown Ups 3. We all know it's a guaranteed sand burrito. We'll make it for the money. It's going to be a Christmas movie. All the grown-up friends get together for the holidays. All new jokes.

All new scenario. So I look forward to you guys reviewing that for two years straight. Even though season one will be disappearing from iTunes I won't forget good old Timbo doubling down when talking about the thought of a grown-ups 300 episode Timbo is a man of his word as we all know so it must be done

and I mean at this point why the hell not love the podcast we'll miss it when it does actually and rest in peace to Knifey all hail the Rat King hashtag summertime do you know yeah so you go that was a threat disguised as a message i actually think it is highly likely that a christmas grown-ups will

be made like that that he that's a great call i think that's super likely and what i foresee happening is guy wanting to have nothing to do with it whatsoever. And me being such a stickler for staying to my word. I've got a funny feeling I may end up doing a podcast by myself where I watch a grown-up's Christmas. Well, look at you. Look at the hypothetical valour that you wear around your neck, Tim. You're a real goddamn champion. Absolutely.

Hey, do you reckon it would be like a Hanukkah kind of mashup thing? Because Adam Sandler's Jewish, isn't he? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I feel like they wouldn't exactly tread lightly around whichever holidays they chose to celebrate or... Is the word denigrate? Yeah, sure. I mean, I'd say that there'd be you know i feel like part of everyone growing up and although the kids are getting so old now yeah in the world of the film

you'd almost have to recast them get the kids from stranger things to just sub in um those kids like keithy and whatnot those kids wouldn't touch a Sandler production. No, not anymore. No, their star's well and truly on the rise, isn't it? Yeah. Hey, well, thanks for that message. Who was that? Brian, wasn't it? Brian, yeah, it was Brian.

Brian, no last name. Carla sent us $20 at worstideaofalltime.com and writes, Thank you for giving me the most enjoyable viewing of Sex and the City 2 of anyone on the planet. I saw it for the first and only time while listening to the second half of your five-hour podcast and listening to your broken, defeated commentary in me ears. Thanks for your dedicated suffering, Carla. Hey, you're welcome, Carla.

It was a real pleasure, real um pulling in the director of the direct doors of the film for that first half and then us subbing in at the midway i gotta say checked out the five hour episode that's not going anywhere that's not on the howl stream that's just on the official we cannot stream so pay anyone enough money to get the get their hands on that that's really funny to me, the idea of, because you kind of miss out the first half. Obviously, none of the insanity is qualified, but if you miss out the first half of the director's commentary when we were in the room with Michael and Patrick King

and just come in halfway, I mean, that has got to be the darkest night of the soul. God, yeah, absolutely. Hey, just while I remember as well, in reference to Brian's message before, that the first season of the podcast, I've said this a couple of times before, but Howl have it now. So you can sign up to Howl and get so much audio goodness at howl.fm

and use our code WORST if you do sign up because it lets them know that we've sent you. Yeah, absolutely. If you're going to sign up anyway why not get our name involved please uh i got one for you tim from kate donachie hi guy optorix and timbo raptor i'm mostly i mostly wanted to share those names with you my friends and i call each other dinosaur names maybe now you can join our pack and we'll all be friends together well well half of me wants to make fun of you for you and your friends calling each other dinosaur names the other half is where this is the safe space of the friend zone so consider me part of your pack

uh strong work on the podcast too boys i didn't really get podcasts until maureen johnson whoo shout out maureen uh recommended you on And now I get it. You're funny and brave. Love and friendship, KatoSaurus. P.S., if you read this, please could you send Jack Punter and Dan Rakich a big kiss each. They are hardworking boys who also love your podcast. Both training for a marathon at the moment, and a kiss from our favorite Kiwis will definitely help them on their way. P.P.S., my surname is pronounced Donnachie. It's Scottish.

That's all now. X. Was that KataSaurusRex? Do I have the name right? She didn't tag the Rex on, but yeah, you can call her KataSaurusRex, sure. I love the, what was that sign off? Was it love and friendship? Love and friendship.

I'm going to start using that. That's beautiful. Love and friendship to everyone. To everyone out there, especially Kate. You're a corny thief, Tim. Hey? I'm just calling you a corny thief, but continue. It's all right.

Jack Punter sounds like if you're referring to a person who goes to gigs. When you're referring to the general public, that's like the one guy you've got in your head. Jack Punter. If I'm thinking about Jack Punter, I don't know if this show's going to grab me by the short and curlies. I'm out there in a world of entertainment. I don't know if Jack Punter's going to go for this. Yeah, Jack Punter sounds like the name that you give to a police officer who busts you trying to sneak drugs into a gig. Yeah, look at this flat-footed Jack Punter trying to take my tricks off me.

I'm just trying to have a good night. Darn tootin'. Hey, Tim and Guy. I've been a long listener of the podcast, and you guys have cracked me up on many occasions. Due to binge listening to the first two seasons, I was exposed perhaps a bit too much to your lovely Kiwi accent, so much that I caught myself saying stuff like pin instead of pen. That's the difference between the I and the E there.

During my conference calls with our Kiwi client, after a couple of these incidents of my accent fading in and out, I decided to address it and clarify that I was not making fun of them, but simply couldn't help it. Luckily, New Zealanders are not very uptight, and we all had a good laugh about it. But I was actually prompted to write in after the last friendzone. I felt I had to come to the defense of one of my fuckboys.

I was ridiculed by one of the listeners by saying that Holland and the Netherlands can be used interchangeably. Although the previous listener might historically and technically be correct, I was born and raised a Dutchman who lives in Amsterdam. I can attest that that guy was not wrong. We do use Holland and the Netherlands interchangeably and I've never in my life heard someone refer to Holland as just the two provinces, North and South Holland, outside

of history class. During national sporting events, the chants of Holland, Holland, Holland, which is go Holland go, I heard everywhere. It would be a bit weird if we were just cheering for a small part of the Netherlands, wouldn't it? So yes, Guy, you can use them interchangeably. Cheers, Thomas Hage.

I'll send you another $20 if you can properly pronounce my last name. Hint, mind the G. Oh my fucking God. That guy. Yeah. You guys have the best names for your national teams. All Blacks, All Whites, Black Sticks, and Basketball? Are you fucking kidding me? The blacks hilarious pps feel free to hit me up if you're ever in amsterdam

what a guy he should either know about badminton team which is what is oh without a word of a lie the black cocks you wouldn't read about it would you because it all started with um the the all blacks which is a pretty dicey name outside the context of just growing up in new zealand and it's just like yep that's just what it's called and then you go overseas and it's our national sport it's the one thing we're real good at on the national stage and it's so borderline all of our other sports teams grab that non-clementia, started applying it to their own names, and then suddenly you've got a professional side named the Blackcocks.

It just got out of hand. Honestly, it's ridiculous. I don't know who was the person at the sports team names meeting who was like, well, the all-black seems to be working just fine. Why don't we roll with that theme and then instead of choosing any other colours they went for the two tones it's just it's the it's anyway it's not important

thank you very much for that message I love the affirmation for my my thoughts on Holland and or the Netherlands yeah good stuff okay this is from Isabella. I'm not going to say her last name. She doesn't have an opinion

on whether or not I use it, but I'm not going to. Sup, boys? Just wanted to drop a line and tell you that your podcast is ruining my life. That's all. No, just kidding.

I listen to it 90% of my life and I'm now known as that girl who laughs randomly. Also today, I went for a walk, listened to your podcast and was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe and consequently had an aspirate attack.

Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Cool it down, Isabella. I honestly don't know if I love you or hate you. Either way, your podcast is great. Cheers. Thanks, Isabella. You got to stay safe out there.

That is so flattering and so concerning. Imagine if we both created life by people having sex while listening to us, and also destroyed life by people not being able to breathe and having asthma attacks. We truly would be full circle then. I guess if anything becomes

ubiquitous, it becomes both the Alpha and the Omega, right? I guess so. Do you think the two things cancel out? What if a murderer found a way to bring new life into the world? I guess that's just having kids, isn't it? You don't get excused for murdering people just because you've had kids. You know what?

I'm right with that legal decision. I think that's probably a good call on our part. i'm with you on that one tim have you got anything you want to say anything to isabella just briefly before we move on oh look isabella i mean you know i guess just carry an inhaler with you for the next few episodes for safety's sake start playing trumpet good for the lungs lungs. Or saxophone, maybe. Don't know about saxophone. Can't attest to that firsthand. If Isabella is an asthmatic,

it seems quite cruel to tell her to start playing a brass instrument, which I imagine would be quite a challenge for someone who has difficulties breathing. But that's the whole point. It's good for you. Develops the lungs. Dear Tim Tim and Guybo,

I've been listening to the podcast for about a month or so and I've completely caught up. Okay, firstly, let me stop you there. We received this email yesterday. That's insane. How many episodes are we up to? This is 15 in season three. There's over 100 if you combine the first and second seasons.

That's a lot. Yeah, that really is. Slow down. 146 according to itunes far out oh i was saving sex in the city to direct this commentary for a special occasion which finally presented itself last week in the form of one of the worst days of all time i'm a background actor which is usually a pretty sweet gig however it's hot as satan's arsehole in los angeles right now and because tv shows shoot several months in advance a recent job uh uh involved dressing for the winter in wisconsin hats scarves woolen coats the whole shebangs the attachment the uh he's included a photo there just for everyone listening

the only thing that got me through that sweaty, miserable 14-hour day without exploding was listening to the two of you suffering alongside me. Considering the quality and quantity of the entertainment you've provided, seems only fair that I send you the money I earned in overtime. Use it wisely. Or don't. Your call. Cheers, Jeremy.

P.S. On Friday, I worked on set with Tim Meadows. Destiny? Coincidence? You decide. P.P.S. If you guys make it on set with Tim Meadows. Destiny? Coincidence? You decide. P.P.S. If you guys make it out to LA again for the end of the season, I hope you'll allow me to treat you to a beer,

some excellent homegrown prawn salad, lovely, and or a tour of the finest sushi restaurant in the southern hemisphere. P.P.P.S. Just kidding. I don't know anything about sushi. PPS, just kidding. I don't know anything about sushi. That's from Jay Suthium.

Probably mispronouncing that last name. And he's a good looking cat wearing vastly inappropriate clothing for the obvious sweltering heat that's behind him. I like Jay. I'm a big fan of his work. Yeah, big time. I'm going to forge you that email right now, now guy before I forget so you can see that photo might even put it up on the Facebook

please do look Tim I well I love spending time with with you and with all of our friends oh you just emailed me right now it's the photo yeah I know

it's Jeremiah I'm going to look at it oh yeah emailed me right now. It's the photo. Yeah, I know. It's Jeremiah. I'm going to look at it. Oh, yeah. You can't see any individual beads of sweat, but you know that he's glistening, like he's glowing. You can tell it's hot. I'm going to make that the image for this episode, I think. I'm going to whack that on.

So the album art you can see that you're looking at right now, humble podcast listener, that is Jeremiah hey I just want to round off on one last message though because I've only got one more to read if I may guy yeah boy uh 10 ruckers came from James Pitt oh actually he says hey I sent you a nice email called maximum destiny and I'm using this message to draw attention to it please read if you get chance. I've got a feeling we read that one. Yeah, I think we did last week. I think we did a little while ago. Yeah.

So you're welcome, James, and thank you so much for the 10 bucks. Really appreciate that. Beauty. Yeah. Thank you to all of our friends. Thank you to the people who have been buying T-shirts and stuff as well, because we've shifted a little bit of merch over the last month,

which is beautiful. And I'd just like to say thank you for listening. Yeah, I would also like to say that. I'd also like to say to you all, for context, just if you're curious about what Tim and I are going to do after we finish this call as we go our separate ways, we're going to watch We Are Your Friends, which is why I'm so eager to finish talking right now because Lord knows the sooner we start watching the movie,

the sooner we finish watching the movie. Number 16. It's happening. A reminder that go and like Guy Montgomery, comedian. Is that what your page is called on Facebook? You'll find it. Yeah, if you and like Guy Montgomery, comedian. Is that what your page is called on Facebook? You'll find it. Yeah, if you look up Guy Montgomery, I'm the, I think the leading Guy Montgomery comedian.

My profile picture is me with a, I'm very sweaty and I've got a prosthetic Christmas turkey. It's a great photo. And while you're there, why not like Tim Bat Comedian too? And go to blazepizza.co.nz to see that clip. Excellent. And share it around.

All right, buddy, should we dive in the pool? Go watch a movie. Yeah, boy. See you later, everybody. Bye, friends. Well, it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good time. Yes, it's the friend zone and have a good time yes it's the friend zone with tim and guy because making

friends is the best idea of all time thanks for listening to this podcast if you're thirsty for another why not try boners of the heart i was thinking about this a lot lately because i saw a picture of chris hemsworth yeah and he had like two of his twins resting on his shoulders. And it was like so fucking hot. And I just, I thought I would like that.