The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Twenty Three

Episode Date: October 11, 2016

Guy and Tim are attempting to WARN YOU about the upcoming episode of Worst Idea and promote their upcoming trips to Portland and San Fran (grab your tickets now). There's also lovely messages of support, not so lovely (but ultimately lovely) messages of terrible Christmas presents AND big news for the business of #TWIOAT! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is a Little Empire podcast. Visit us at littleempirepodcast.com and on Twitter at Little Empire Pod. Well it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good time. Yes it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy. Cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Correct, as always. Sung by the beautiful Christopher Brown. No relation to the dastardly Christopher Brown, as explained on previous episodes of The Friend Zone. Hello, welcome along to The Friend Zone, episode 23. My name is Guy Montgomery. And my name is Tim Batt. Hello.

And we have not just watched the movie We Are Your Friends, and accordingly will not be discussing the movie We Are Your Friends. So if you are, for whatever reason, looking out for that go somewhere else i was gonna say fuck yourself but that is not a very friendly way to address you although i will say this when we did last watch the movie which was about 54 hours ago or so uh hey guys we're in for a real curly one i haven't listened to the record back yet but um i tentatively called it right up top prawn salad too just to give you an indication of where everyone was i would say the experimental hour of recording that followed that tentative title uh you you were not vindicated but

it supported your claim yeah and we turned all the lights off we're in darkness we're joined um by a good friend of ours, comedian Reece Mathewson, who's on a wrestling podcast called Two and a Half Count. Shit got pretty weird. Yeah, look, that episode really stayed with me. It stayed in my system, and it kind of ruined my entire weekend. Yeah, so that's something to look forward to. But as it stands, this is just two boys who haven't had any prawns.

We haven't had any lettuces we haven't had any lettuce just a couple of guys in a room talking to you uh before we kick into the beautiful zone of friendship that we want to enter into we want to warn you that we're coming for your friends if you're in portland oregon or san francisco we're coming for you on the uh 21st we're going to be doing the san fran live show at the Children's Creativity Museum. And at Portland, we're going to be there the Saturday, Saturday the 22nd. That's this October. We're talking in like pretty much a week.

It's not this weekend, but next weekend. Real close. That's going to be happening at the Clinton Street Theater. You can get tickets for both these things and get all the details if you go to goldstarrealtysolutions.com or blazepizza.co.nz or if you go to our Facebook page, any of those places. That's right. And with that said, it is now time to delve into some of your correspondence that we are lucky enough to share in week in, week out.

Who would have thought that these cinematic turds would bring people across the globe closer together? This message comes from a man whose name I will not read because he has not specified whether or not it is to be read on the podcast. Good on you, Monty. Dear Timbly Wimbledon and Flash. I like that. First off, I want to thank you for all the hours of entertainment

and virtual friendship you have provided me over the past couple of months. My friend and I are Are both cannabis delivery drivers. For a high profile health centre. Here in the Bay Area. And your cinematic endurance trial. Has really helped to liven up our 10 hour days on the road. Sharing the love of your endeavours. Has even brought us closer as friends.

We discuss the podcast daily. Before going out en route. And at the midway point of each season. We pause to watch the film together for ourselves. When we saw that you'd be coming to San Francisco. In a few weeks we instantly swooped on tickets yes bro episode bloody tootly that's how you do it as cannabis aficionados and big fans of podcasting we each have several podcasters on our bucket list with whom we would love to smoke with though vaping is an acceptable alternative and you two brave kiwis are right at the top of that list.

You're smart boys. You see where I'm going with this. If you two would like to do us the honour, we'll be good and prepared when we see you at the show on the 21st. Thanks again and have a great show. All hail Rat King Brady, signed off from...

Unnamed. Dan K, but written like that, so it says Dank. Oh, nice. So it's like a bed. So there's a capital D, a little A and an N, and a big K at the end.

Well, Dank. We love meeting all of our friends. Yeah. I can't put all of the component parts of that message together, but let's just say I look forward to seeing you either before or after the show in San Francisco on Friday, October 21st. Ryan has gotten in touch with us,

and I almost read his last name even though he specifically specified I don't do it. In fact, I may have already said too much. But here is the message. Dear Ist, Guy Guy and Timbly Wimbly, feel free to read my email on the Friendzone episode if you want, but please do not use my name if you do.

You already dodged a bullet there, friend. For reasons that will become apparent if you get to the end of my story. I've been following your journey for about a year now and love giggling along to the way you two good boys attempt to keep yourselves sane during your descent into madness. Imagine my surprise during a recent episode when during a discussion of James Reid of The Feelers Gift Giving, the idea of a prank inside a MacBook Pro box was floated.

I was hit with a sudden wave of dread followed by the resurfacing of a prank inside a macbook pro box was floated i was hit with a sudden wave of dread followed by the resurfacing of a long dormant memory of the worst christmas present i or possibly anyone has ever received i was 12 or 13 years old in the mid 90s and the hottest item everyone wanted from old saint nick was a sega mega drive my mother was in a relationship at the time with a real mouth full of concrete dick full of diamonds type because he was a sega mega drive my mother was in a relationship at the time with a real mouthful of concrete dick full of diamonds type because he was a abusive sack of shit i'm sorry to hear that man uh he would often try to make up with that with good gifts often procured through less than 100 legitimate means oh this sucks so when one of my gifts under the tree on christmas morning was

a box about the right size for a Sega Mega Drive, the fact that the box in the wrapping paper wasn't a branded Sega box didn't ring any alarm bells, especially not when I read the card, Enjoy the Mega Drive, Love from, Paige. He's put an asterisk there. We'll pick that up later. I think I can figure out what the asterisk denotes.

I think it's not real name used here i'm guessing as i hurriedly opened the box wide-eyed and excited his shit-eating grin widened as i figured out what was inside the box was not actually a sega mega drive but in fact a store-bought butchered pig's head jesus fucking hell yes the actual severed head of a fucking pig Oh how we all laughed if anyone else got a worse Christmas present. I'd love to hear about it I wasn't all that upset at the time a shitty prank present was among the least of my problems and thankfully not long afterward He and my mother separated and she got back with my dad But having just had the memory jolted back into the front of my brain

I'm reminded of how truly fucked up a thing that was to do to a child the good news is not long after they separated some of his less than legitimate work caught up with him and he went to prison this email is already too long well otherwise i would further get into the soap opera-esque lives uh to prove that it all worked out in the end and we all lived happily ever after thank you for fucking giving us some closure dude except page asterisk, who then, I think, tried to kill himself. Maybe I don't know and don't really care. Christ.

Hope this doesn't come off too dark. I'm doing great now. I can't think of any way to end this email other than to say thanks for all the laughs and stay strong through these final six months of season three. Loves and kisses for a kiss is always a gift. gift well it is my pleasure

to give you a non-prank gift wrapped in a montgomery shaped bow i want to and it's like this man a sega mega drive i'm sorry do that again i'll back off a delicious unabated uninterrupted unabridged gift from Guy I do want to buy this Guy Segan Mega Drive that would be cool yeah I feel like we need to kind of bite it wrong here yeah we've got his email address we can figure

yeah I might get in touch with you Ryan figure something out thank you for that letter Ryan thank you for sharing I'm sorry to be responsible and dredging up those terrible memories but as you assured us everything now is hunky-dory, tickety-boo, onwards is the march. Now, this message comes from a man whose name is Jeremy. What is his surname, you ask?

Irons. Jeremy Irons, best known as the voice of Scar. Would you read this out aloud? The most prominent differences between the New Zealand English dialect and other English dialects are the shifts in the short front vowels. The short I sound, as in kit, has centralised toward the schwa sound, the A in comma and about. The short E sound, as in dress, has moved towards the short I sound. And the short A sound, as in dress, has moved towards the short I sound, and the short A sound, as in trap, has moved to the short E sound. From Wikipedia's article on New Zealand. Jeremy, you're an interesting guy, you're an odd guy, and you're a pretty succinct guy. I hope that

gave you what you wanted. Was that the entire message? That was the entirety of the message. His previous correspondence, which we forgot to respond to, was on the 26th of August when he wrote, Hi, just listening to Friends on 17. With regards to the fuck, marry, kill discussion, I'm fairly certain the person writing to you meant to say Lenny Fader, not Lenny Kravitz. Well, that's autocorrect for you.

Yep. Real curveball. Hey, well, thanks for the deconstruction of our native tongue much appreciated does he want name no name no name for you jeremy irons all right jeremy great work on that movie by the way hey hey 20 donation came to us via james hey james sounds like you're really earning wherever you are it's going to see the two c is how I would pronounce James' last name Vertusi feel free to use my name hey Flying Timbus and Guy Marino

skateboard reference did you get that because I didn't no oops we're not cool anymore I'm the dude from the oh I'm the dude from

the skate shop in Manly to whom you sent that postcard we got him James my man Guy I wanted to give you more of a discount on that board

You bought but I value my job so to offset the cost slightly I'm sending you a couple bucks your way Fuck James It's still not enough as you brave boys deserve more than My measly donation for all the hours of entertainment At the expense of your sanity but it's all I can Give at the moment next time you're in the area

Feel free to hit me up for a skate You know where to find me James Fertuzzi. What did I say? Fertuzzi? Fertuzzi. Fertuzzi. I'm probably mispronouncing that.

Your number one fan. Brackets. Your words. Not mine. It was on the postcard. So there's proof. Did we call him our number one fan on that postcard? That's such a power play by us.

That is so Tim and Guy, isn't it? Yeah, well, if you get one And it says it I guess We're kind of vindicated I don't know I've got to stop saying The word vindicated Vindicated

I am silent Do you know that song Nah Who's it by Hope Dangles on a string Like slow I don't know

Dashboard Confessional I think Okay Holy shit Why is that information Rattling around in there i know sometimes it just pops up and it's like why how did that get in there and why is it still there is to push every 90s slash early 2000s like garbage new metal sounding song out of my brain

and just put everyone's names that i've forgotten inside of my brain. Tell me about it. If only their names were written into catchy emotional songs. This next message comes from Ian Ernest Rust. That is a nice name. Hi, Timbly Wilbly and Flash. Hi, Rust. I'm assuming that you deliberately spelled it Wilbly. A real mouthful. Quick question for you two.

I thought I heard you mention that you were doing stand-up gigs outside of the Worst Idea of All Time shows when you come to Portland and San Fran. Is there ticket information for those shows or are these the same performance as the podcast? Just bought a couple of tickets to Portland show and I'm bringing a crew of friends from Seattle down to see you two. I've been an avid listener since season one

and I hold an annual party where a group of friends come over and watch the Worst Idea of All Time movie of the year and get wasted. It's a very good time. You two are champions. Keep up the good work. See you in Portland. Ian. Great question, Ian, and probably something we should have been more clear in addressing. The stand-up shows are part and parcel of the podcast shows. So the way it will work is you'll arrive, we'll do the podcast, we'll take a quick break and then we'll deliver you a a a very warm boring on piping hot stand-up comedy show uh so you get two for the price of one on those tickets we're all about added value we try

to keep the ticket prices as low as possible so i think for both shows it's i don't think i know it's 20 dollars for both the portland and san franc shows um because uh because it's always shit when someone you love comes to your town who's like thing you follow and you're like oh fuck i want to go but i don't have 80 dollars i often don't have 80 dollars so um yeah come get some stand-up come get a podcast episode from us be part of the fun be lovely absolutely uh i'll grab one now from lindsey who contributed 42.25 us cents which i love an strangely specific number i cannot wait to find out the reasoning behind this donation i think there is one hey tim and guy this is for the ticket to your show in portland and the uber i would have taken to get there unfortunately you had to pick the one week I'm out of state.

Hope you have fun and be good to my city, Lindsay. I don't care if you say... It cuts off, but I'm pretty sure she was going to say, say my name. Lindsay Jimenez. And I honestly think I nailed the pronunciation, even though it sounds like a made-up last name. Shit, thank you so much that okay sorry guy you were right that perfectly explains the very obtuse amount of money um we much appreciate it lindsey that's really sweet of you and i feel like should we maybe reveal our plans

because if lindsey's probably a good launch off point yeah thing that we were talking about earlier today so um sorry everyone gather around gather around business meeting business meeting among friends oh yeah yeah sorry yeah this stuff uh oh yeah not the other stuff um how much stuff do we have going on less than you would think based on those previous two sentences here's here's the here's the rub here's the thing here's the gris um guy and i are constantly trying to like find more time to do this podcast and and we get kind of pushed and pulled in all sorts of ways and we've got a uh i for one have to take like jobs that i wouldn't necessarily want to do to

keep paying the rent and keep paying for like studio equipment and online space and doing all those good things to keep the podcast and the network alive and keep making stuff for you guys and we want to make more stuff as well for you guys so what we are going to do is shortly we'll be launching a patreon um if you haven't used patreon before uh it's it's kind of like kickstarter except you give smaller amounts on a constant monthly ongoing basis and in exchange for supporting us um we will give you more stuff and the level of reward that you get will be tiered depending on how much you want to contribute so one thing that we know for a fact we're going to be doing we haven't nailed all of the details yet but one thing we definitely will be doing is i've said it now so we're gonna have to do it do it we are going to be um

we get flooded with suggestions of other movies that we should watch and do a review of so what we've decided to do is take some of those suggestions from one tier of the gift givers and then make it available for all of the tiers of people contributing to patreon so there's going to be kind of separate episodes of us watching other probably terrible movies and guys said that we probably need to watch them more than once in a row yeah i i think and i'll put this on the record so that we're beholden to it uh so if you if you meet the um whatever the donation amount the monthly donation amount is you'll be in an exclusive club of people called the deciders Club and the privilege of

being the deciders Club is our fate is in your fingertips and on your keyboard and so you know we'll take the submission and we'll we'll watch it as a double feature back-to-back and then discuss any thoughts and theories that may occur on the back of that viewing experience. And then those episodes, no matter how much you have given, you'll get access to those if you're any kind of Patreon contributor.

Yeah, while you might not have the means or desire to be a member of the Deciders Club, a very minimal monthly donation will see you benefiting from... You'll get the fruits. Yeah. You very minimal monthly donation. We'll see you benefiting from... You'll get the fruits. Yeah. You'll get the fruits. You won't watch us pick them from the tree.

Yeah. But you'll get to taste the fleshy... So just go to... My metaphors are all over the place today. Go to facebook.com slash worst idea of all time. And the updates. We'll always put the updates on the Facebook first. Another message for you guys.

Please. $5 from Alex. He says, Kia kaha, boys. That's a bit of te reo. You're really making the last stretch of my PhD sort of bearable. Promise I'll throw some more your way once I get a real person job. Alex, you legend. You're an academic. You're studying. I respect the hell out of you. God bless

you. God bless us everyone. And if you don't believe in a deity then let the universe bless you everyone i'd like to neutral i'd like to split support our audience into those who believe in a higher power and those who don't and those who do believe in a higher power may your chosen higher power bless you everyone and those who do not may um may the the almighty concept of the universe the ever-expanding you know space that we inhabit bless us everyone of course if you believe in that then you probably don't believe in the power of the universe to know that you exist or care about you or bless you um so you can just have fun wrestling with the concept

of infinity uh instead of being blessed to be honest as i say it out loud uh believing in a high power sounds much easier and less confusing than not and so accordingly i would like to strip myself of any atheistic notions and avow myself to the church what church? All churches. I'm now a signed up member of every religion. Well it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone and have a good

time. Yes it's the friend zone with Tim and Guy. Cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Thanks for listening to this podcast. If you're thirsty for another, why not try The Male Gaze? It's The Male Gaze.

Dear Chris. Oh, I like that. I was wondering, in your experiences, what is the worst thing someone's ever said to you during sex was? This is so rude. He says to me, oh my god, I can't even say it it's so bad i'm so excited about hearing this i want to fuck you so hard you're not going to be able to walk

out of here i think that my problem with it is it's not something that you can build off no i couldn't yes and it i couldn't say like and, I want you to push me out in the wheelchair. Like, that's, I'm going to be my carer for the rest of my life. After I'm paralyzed. It's absolutely wrecked. It's a terrible thing.

They're both male And they're both gays The male gays