The Worst Idea Of All Time - Good Times: 07 w/ Tim Key

Episode Date: September 28, 2024

Roll them bones! Let it ride! Hit me baby one more time! This episode of Good Times is all about taking chances, as Guy “Moneybags” Montgomery returns to the scene of the crime after sweeping the table at Tim’s poker game. The Word of the Week brings out Tim’s devil-may-care attitude. Comedian and poet Tim Key offers a counterpoint, giving the boys an etiquette lesson on asking for your male friend’s phone number.Our intro music, “Los Angeles,” courtesy of Eyeliner.Get episodes early and in video on our Substack! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Dandy. The most recent release of Penhaligon's. The British perfume shop from Nichon. A mix of whiskey, Robles, Cedro, Bergamotta and Pachuli. A tribute to the endless nights. Exclusive sale in the iron palace I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. If you're hearing Eyeliner Los Angeles, it can only mean one thing.

Success. Success. Yeah. Business success. It's time for more time with good times with Time Bat and GMT Montgomery. Good Montgomery. Hey man. He's a good guy.

We're back at the scene of the crime. You and I recently had a poker game in this here studio. That's right. We did. It was not two nights ago. You won. It was not. And it was a big table. It was a big table. Nine players. I was, I was winning early. You were.

And I was getting ribbed for it. And I liked it actually. Yeah. It was probably not the most popular Victor. But you would say on the night was probably not the most popular Victor. But you would say on the night it was the most deserving Victor. You might say that. I would say that. If you were Guy Montgomery. It was just a great, it was a fucking great game of poker. It was impressive. You got a lot of people around the table. First of all, to even get that going,

you're going to want to get a lot of good people to your house yes and you did that I don't think if I send out the Montgomery signal yeah do you send out the bat signal yes I don't think I could get nine people to my house are you kidding me course you could I don't know do you know what it was is I got the idea of my head I was like alright because I used to run a regular poker game way back in the day. You might've been there. I might've, I might've, I might've been a cameo. I don't think I was a main character.

Sure. Brendan Green was there a lot. Yeah. It was very nice to him from the table. He was there again on Sunday. Don't worry guys. That motherfucker got cleaned out. He flamed out and he was stressing out and a recent friend of the podcast, Rhys Mathieson,

he was laughing at him. He said, I forgot how stressed you get. And I'm probably not at a point where I could say that to Brendan, but I really enjoyed seeing someone else say it. It was, yeah, it was a lot of fun. I came pretty close. Can I insert one more? You can insert as much.

Aside inside of this, the Brendan Green phase. Because this is probably one of the... I mean, I really get along well with him. I remember when I used to do You Late, he would come on, he had a segment, and we'd have fun, as I would with all of the guests. And I suppose, do you know what, if I'm thinking of Spelling Bee and tracking back to you late, our sort of the dynamic by which I would be rude in a playful way, but kind of in taunting towards you permeates all of Spelling Bee now.

You know, energetically there is a through line. You would never mean to anyone until you got on television. You got your first television show and you got a taste of what it feels like to be a bully. Do you know what the difference is between me and Ellen DeGeneres? To my credit, I was mean on camera. I kind of feel like she, yeah, she would let the mask slip every now and then. I didn't, there was no mask.

And I probably, if anything, I've become kinder off camera. To compensate? I'm the inverse degenerate. No, I just think to balance, cause we've got similar status. Hold on. The thief? What's that? Well, degenerate.

You're the inverse? It didn't work. No, the disingenuous. That's what they should call her. Alan disingenuous. So what happens with Alan call her. Yeah. Alan Dissingenuous. So what happens with Alan now? She's filmed a special. Okay.

She's filmed a Netflix special, last taping and in the teaser and the materials and the press release, they say, and don't worry, she talks about that. It was either that or it, but she talks about it. Oh, fuck that's funny. I know. But so to go all the way back to, so we've got lots of tabs open. I'm going to close them. I'm going to go back to the initial tab.

We're going to close them as we go out. And then we've got open slather. Great. Fields of conversation in front of us. Oh, so good. I'm on, so I'm doing you late and I'm meeting Brendan that way. And we're being funny. I remember once he said to me, I got one that-

We got to hit pause for a second and say, fantastic New Zealand comedian, Brendan. Yes. And I, he said to me, you know, I got one over after one talk break. He says, I go on over. It always feels good to get one over. I thought that's awesome. That's awesome that I'm in there like that. And so the next year, that was the year you and I were nominated for the Billy T along with Brendan Green, Jermaine Ross and Stephen Witt. And we did our shows and I won the Billy T that year. You did. And that was...

Congratulations. Thank you. I forgot to say at the time. That means a lot because I've been holding out on that. It's been nine years? Ten years. Ten years. And so, and then we all went on with our lives and our careers.

We all kept doing comedy. Everyone else got out of comedy. You kept going. Except for Steven. He got out. Everyone else stayed in. And then last year, we did the, I got nominated for the Fred Award.

Yes. 10 years later, alongside Jermaine Ross and Brendan Green. Only three nominees for the Fred. There's usually five for the Billy T. No Timbo. No Timbo. Cause I didn't do a show. That's right. And probably for other reasons too. It's tough to get nominated

if you don't have a show. And we do the show and at the end of the New Zealand Comedy Festival there's a show called Last Laughs which is where they anoint the winner and everyone gets a chance to perform. And I did my set at Last Laughs for the Fred and Brendan and Jermaine did their sets and then afterwards someone comes out and they announce the winner. I believe it was probably Eli had won the year before. And I was really overcome by emotion and Abby Howells had just won the Billy T. And she had given a beautiful speech about overcoming adversity, which I couldn't relate to. And I was, I was doing my speech and I was crying and I said, I thank you. I was saying, you know, this is amazing.

And it actually, it means a lot to get to be, you know, I, when I first did a show in the New Zealand international comedy festival, I was nominated for the Billy T alongside Timbatt and Steven Witt and Brendan Green and Jermaine Ross. And it was just unbelievable this year to be at the side of the same stage years later, their lives and careers further down the line. And to beat you motherfuckers again. Fucking golden. And so there's just, obviously there's a part of me that takes pleasure in needling Be Green.

Yeah. And antagonism is funny. And to do it at the poker table. But seeing that sitting at the poker table. Yes. I wasn't the one, I wasn't going to do it because I was not comfortable being the chip leader. Yeah.

I was also waiting for it to all fall apart. Yeah, for sure. And you see at one point we actually went out and I hope you don't mind my saying this about halfway through when the, you know, we took pause. Yeah. It's a small and stuffy room. Went outside for a breather, some fresh yep also some tainted air can I say that

boom boom tainted air oh and you said you were sort of plotting along and he said I'm gonna go in there I'm gonna start playing good poker yeah and you came in here and then you guys I think it was when we sat down immediately after the break I said just so everyone knows I I'm going to start being good now. And you blitzed the field. I did all right. It wasn't enough, but I got third. Well, you became chip leader.

You're immediately on the heels of that. You did genuinely start doing it. It was such an impressive thing. To call? To call. Yeah, yeah. It was a lot of fun. It was good.

Now, it's actually apt really, cause I've just gone to a random word generator.com to get our episodes word for the day. Yes. The word is settle. Settle. Settle. We've got some bits to settle. You're owed. Yep. I'm owed money. Small amounts of money from a lot of people, which adds up to a moderate amount of money from everyone. Yeah.

It's not nothing. Can I say the number? Yeah. 200 smackaroos. NZD. NZD. It's a lot of money these days. You could almost, if you were doing a weekly grocery shop

to cater for four people, you could do that and you could probably, you could almost get, you know, you'd- What's in the trolley? What's in our trolley? Here's your regulars, eggs, oat milk, coffee, bread, broccoli, tomatoes, carrots.

Tomatoes at the moment? Even now, Olive goes bananas. I mean, you know, for wand of a better word for tomatoes. Cucumber even- How does she feel about bananas? It's, she doesn't mind them, but it's not the insta- like she will reach for the tomatoes. And then I'm going to dine the definition of the word tomatoey meaning. So, so come see comstar. You feel moderate about something.

I'm tomato on bananas, but on bananas on tomatoes. On tomatoes on bananas, but on bananas on tomatoes. I like it. I like it. Can I say this? I like it a lot. Look, we're buying chicken sausages. Chicken sausages are a winner with the kid in the house.

I say, Oh, it's a lot of stuff. Everyone loves the chicken. So I've already said this, but it was the chicken sausage that, um, brought me back to the world of carnival carnival. Yeah. I remember it was chicken. It was COVID-19 and I was cooking a meal for Chelsea and Olive. Yeah.

I was in, I was cooking some chicken sausages and I was looking at the sausages and we've been in the house for a while. And I thought I was vegetarian for a while. a while. I was vegan for half a year It's not bad and I was looking at these chicken sausages in the pan. I thought oh my god Those chicken sausages look so good. And so I cook them. I got them off the frying pan I had them on a Serviette to absorb some of the juice. Yeah And I look around no one's in the kitchen. And I thought, who's going to know?

Who's going to know if I just have... God alone. Well, Chels walks in while I'm sniffling a chicken sausage. It's a bad look. Sniffling is the correct verb for how you eat a sausage. I feel embarrassed. Yeah, like a dog, like a little Harry McCleary. Like a dog that's found a little sausage on the ground.

Like a dog that's turned its nose up at a meal, then you come in and the dogs in the meal and you're like You told me that you ethically don't eat that meal We'll spell off that me yet. Yeah, I'm with you anyway, and then from there I said, okay This chicken sausage is too good. You've seen it. Yeah, I'm in trouble. I'm not in trouble like it's I know what there's no one Upholding the law by yeah as long as I'm in the house. Mm-hmm. I'm not in trouble like it's no there's no one upholding the law by yeah as long as I'm in the house Mm-hmm. I'm eating me as an human behavior funny that you could abstain entirely from eating animals for such a long time and then You just have one slip up and suddenly and your human brain you go. Ah, fuck it off

Yeah, well, do you know what the whole time I was eating? Ah, fuck it, off. Yeah. Well, do you know what? The whole time I was eating just vegetables and so animal products, I knew meat was more delicious. You could say I was settling for a less delicious life. And this is no moral judgment on people who do or don't eat meat or dairy products. But the whole time, it was never gross to me.

It never stopped being appealing to me. The whole time I thought I'd go out for a meal with friends. And I think I'd like to get something slightly worse than what everyone else is paying the same amount of money for. It do be like that. And it's improving of course, as the movement gets greater. But that's my reflection on that.

Nice. Yeah. Love that for you. How do you feel about the word settle? It's, I quite like. It's antithetical to everything I believe in. Okay. Talk more. Settling in life? Don't do it. Okay. Take swings. Yeah. Hit on the beautiful girl that you think you got no chance with. Okay. That is, that was like. That is how I met my wife. It truly is. And honestly, do you know, it is, it is so core to my DNA, like that specific thing of just

giving it a crack with someone perceivably out of my leg. If that is an adjective, don't know if it is. To the point where at my high school, there is the equivalent of a yearbook. There is a high school magazine and it has for everyone in the graduating year. So what used to be called seventh form now called year 13 final year of high school. It's got your name always seen doing and then like, uh, destined to become something like that. And who writes, do you write these yourself? Actually, we did. Actually there was a co yeah, we did perform because someone else was writing

the school magazine and myself and... Of course you did. I won't say the last names, Tim and Rory and me. We went, nah, this looks boring. We're going to take it over and make it funny and good. And we did, which I still feel a little bit bad about. No, Tim, you did the right thing. You made something funny and good. I think so. Yeah. I've still got a copy of it somewhere.

But anyway, so it's got Tim Bairatt always seen hitting on girls way hotter than him. Destined to become starring in Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2. Hey, and they weren't a mile off. Pretty good. It just goes to show you don't really change that much from your final year of high school. Yeah, well, yeah, you do and you don't. I would say that I don't hit on, I hit on my wife now. Well, yeah, you do. And you don't, I would say that I don't head on, uh, I had on my wife now. That's who I had on, but the mad respect of the Ferris Bueller energy, I think is something that people would chalk up to be a lot of, um, happier marriages.

If people spend a little more time hitting on each other, hitting on the hitting on their wife, I think everyone would be a little happy with their spend a little more time hitting on my wife. True that. Hitting on their wife. Hitting on each other. I think everyone will be a little happy if they spend a little more time hitting on my wife. True that. So yeah, so Settle and also the other kind of version of Settle, the other thing that comes into my mind is like, okay, let's calm down. Fuck that. Hype it up, baby.

Really? Yeah, let's throw some balloons around. How do you settle the boys down? Read a story. Yeah. Well, one of them is five months old at the moment. So he's pretty settled most of the time. Yeah. Except when he's crying and then there's no way to stop that anyway. And I've got control of. Wow. That's

tough. And can I say something about the word settle? Yeah. Just off the top of your head. How many letters do you think it's got? Five? Six? Yeah. Yeah. It feels like five. I was word I'm I'd be wordlin still in the face of everything. You know. How many seasons of Spelling Bee have you done now? Like four? Oh, no, I've done two in New Zealand and one in Australia, but Wyrdl. Wyrdl is, you know, it's, that's the game it took. Oh, I see. Wyrdling. Wyrdling. Wyrdling. Created by New Zealand, I think. No. And then bought by the New York Times. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it was. Was Wirdle created by... Wirdle was originally created by one guy and then it got bought by the New York Times. And I think that one guy was a Kiwi. He was Welsh. Ah, it was way off. New Zealand to the north.

Yep. Can I say one thing that's been driving me crazy about Wirdle? Yeah. Five-letter words, right? Okay. Love that. Wirdle. Because. Five-letter words, right? Okay. Love that. Wordle. Because everything's, everything's urdle now. I do the quirdle, which is four at the same time. There's the octurdle, which is eight. There's the setacurdle, which is 16. I do them all. Okay. There's myrdle, which is a book of little logic puzzles framed as murder mysteries you have to solve. So the iddle, the urdle.

Yep. Urdle is everywhere, right? Ardeale. Yep. What gets me about the wordle, and this is, it's six letters and I'm solving for five. Right. You're meant to be selling me the, I get it. I get, I get what it represents, but it's been driving me nuts.

What would you drop? I'd drop the E. Cause that's what I love to do. But I would drop the E off the end. This guy, is he on one? Cause I'm sorry, am I going crazy or is this guy on one? There's a classic thing, you know, it was naming like tech companies and apps and shit

that you just, you'll kind of get rid of the last vowel that's on there. That would make sense. You know what? It's a sensible choice because if you if you lose any other little you lose the essence of the word. The only other vowel is the O and the O is doing some heavy lifting phonetically. And if you get rid of the O then it's wordly. You know all of a sudden you're going to put emphasis. If you get rid of the E, guess what? Wordle. Same shit. Yeah this is really this is this is the problem occupying your head at the moment. Wordle, six letters.

There are others, but... Clearly not. Well, I just said... I look at a six letter with settle for example. I wouldn't have guessed six. Might have guessed five. Could have guessed seven. Wouldn't have guessed six. Really? Yeah. Settle feels like it might be seven.

Describe the mouthfeel of settle. Because I think that's something we haven't been doing, be seven. Describe the mouthfeel of settle. Because I think that's something we haven't been doing, but we should get into the mouthfeel. It's lovely. Okay. So you open it up with an S. Sibilance. And then you get into your E. Se, se, e, t.

Double T. It makes me think of nettle, but it's actually pleasant. Nettle, lovely to say. Yeah, I think of stinging nettle. Yep. Nasty stuff, makes you itchy and a bit stingy. Settle, you get into your teas. I can't hear talk about itchy without thinking of Ned Flanders. Oh, and therapy.

What does he say? The therapist is trying to find something that Ned doesn't like. And I think he says mosquitoes. He goes, mmm, fun to scratch, satisfying. Which is probably my favorite. I think that's Hurricane Nettie is the episode. And I think, is that the same one with his parents? It is.

We've tried everything. We've tried nothing. We're all out of ideas. We're all out of ideas. And when he blows up at everyone and he does one for everyone, then he goes to Lenny and you. No Homer. Is it? Oh, you, you're the worst.

No, no, no. But Lenny goes, you, I don't know you, but he's mean to Lenny. Then that is a, I will put that really on the Mount Rushmore of Simpsons episodes. Cause the other great bit about that, that I think about all the time. Um, Homer taking Ned through the hallway that gets more and more and more and the door at the end and you open up the door and Barney's on the other side. Makes me think of Puzzling World and Warnica, which is a...

The sworn nemesis of Abbie Howe, friend of the show. By the way, just as an aside, I've done the research when I was looking at where the software developer who came up with Word was from. The Welsh software engineer, you'll never guess his surname. What? Wardle. Oh! With an A. There you go. So, holy shit, wait a minute, this is crazy. So Word isn't quite in his name, but almost is. He changes the A to an O putting word in, but that's just a very small change to his existing last name. Yeah.

So I would, I would like to, now I've done the research. Yeah. I would like to retract my frustration. Because it's someone's name? Because he's, he's, he's someone who's engineered their name as various different shapes and feels to, you know, to get the title out there. I mean, it's clever, isn't it? It is.

I hope you made a shitload of money because you sold it to the Times. Undisclosed price in the low seven figures. Seven is millions. What? It could be one. More than one is... 1.2 is millions. In the low seven figures. Now, listen, we're up to nettle, but nice

in your mouth feel of settle. I like double T's, I like drawing them, I like doing two lines and then one, I just give them one through. I get to do it all the time. Gotta be careful though, can't let the horizontal one go too far or it's gonna touch the L,

all of a sudden you're looking at a third T. True. L, E, your business. Look, I'm aware of something. Yeah. Time marches on. Okay. I really want to get a phone call in. Oh, shit. Okay. And this one. I thought we were going to do a phone call on the next one. Absolutely not. Okay, great.

Fantastic. Because the phone call, as everyone who listens knows, is one of my preferred modes of communication. Yes. It is a forgotten art. I think different people have different feelings. Has doing this changed your relationship with the phone call at all? Not at all, no, I still hate them. Really?

Yeah, I mean, hate's a strong word. Not my preference. Do you and Zoe get on the phone? Very rarely. It's all over text. Yeah, yeah, and specifically Facebook Messenger. Can I say, as a driver of car, that might be part of my affinity for the phone call. True, because I don't drive.

So you're always basically, well no, because you've got a dog and you've got two kids, so your hands are often full. Yes. But legally, you're allowed to text virtually at all times. Correct. I'm not. It goes against everything the law stands for. Yeah. Let's get this phone call underway.

Let's get this phone call. So the phone call today, friend of the podcast. Can you say that? Well, friend to me. Have you talked to this guy? No. You got the same first name. Yep.

I love him. I was a fan and then I met him and became a friend. He's from the United Kingdom. Is he going to agree with that assessment if I put it to him? You can ask him what you can you ask him to track out the genesis of our connection if you want. Cool. Cool. It's Tim Key. The Dandy, the most recent release of Penhaligon's, the British perfume of Nichon. A mix of whiskey, Robles, cedar, bergamot and patchouli. A tribute to the endless nights of exclusive sale in the Iron Palace. I'm a guy. Oh my gosh, it's good to hear your voice. How are you going? Yeah, pretty good. Am I on air or on the podcast?

What's happening? You are on the podcast, which I suppose is on the air. I'm with another, I'm with my friend who's also called Tim. Have you met him? Hi Tim. Yeah. Do you know this guy? I don't think, I don't think we've had the pleasure Tim,

but it's a delight to talk to you on the phone. It's really nice to talk to you. If it's alright, I've got a question for you right off the jump because normally... I don't know what, I mean that's why I'm here. I want to come on the course and just ask some bloody answers and questions. And if you want at the end as well, if you've got any questions of your own, you can feel free to throw those right at us. And we can give it a go at some answers. We could we could try places. That's your classic back and forth, isn't it? That's a TET, a TET. It's not a TET.

Yeah, you're, I think you're describing a conversation. Well, yeah, well, we very well maybe and we can you imagine this, we're describing it as we're doing it. So isn't it impressive? I love it. So isn't it impressive? Very impressive. I love it. So Tim, I'm an old radio man. So normally the etiquette would have been to kind of have you on the line on hold so you could get context for the conversation we've just had. But we haven't done that because we're doing our own thing.

We're matrix over here. We're doing it a different way. Well, this is a podcast that you've moved on from radio. This is now the new media. It is. And Guy referred to you as a friend. And my first question for you, Tim Key, would you describe Guy Montgomery as a friend?

Vulnerable framework here. I told you, I was going to ask him. Big pause. Well, first of all, I don't like hearing any friend of mine use this vulnerable framework. You're not a fan of vulnerability? So I guess I don't mind vulnerability. The amount that it hurt hearing guys say vulnerable is maybe does say that I am a friend of his

or a friend of mine. I mean, I like guy. I'll say this about guy. I don't think this would be far wrong, actually. I'd say Guy is in the, my favorite. Now let me get this right. My favorite. Now let me think about this. I'd say. Yeah. Present. Yeah. Okay. My favorite. I would say this confidently. One of my favorite temple that I've met in the last 10 years. Wow. Yeah. Can I get

that again? One of your favorites? One of my favorite ten people that I have met the last ten years. Wow. Oh, wow. That's very flattering. I mean that guy. Hey, Tim, I say the same to you. It's different though, isn't it? Because I was already aware of you. And it can be funny when you meet someone you're already fond of, comedically speaking, and then when you meet them you think I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna be too differential,

I'm gonna treat them as equal. Even though in your head you're thinking, I know this guy. You're better than me. You're a better person than I am. You've got to kid yourself that you're equal guy and I do so beautifully. Well, respectfully, I now feel, I now feel person to person, I do feel on level footing with you. You know? Oh, I think, I think if anything, too far the other way. Your position has diminished, Guy Montgomery.

No, no, no. Tim's, his state, his high has never once. No, Guy, no, Guy's position has, I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we, you just go, yeah, you bite his hand off. And then he can go on his game show.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It makes the business system. This is the methodology. This is the vulnerable teamwork. I'm, I'm starting to feel pretty powerful in this conversation. I got to say that Tim, can I ask, I'd say this conversation working out perfectly for you so far. I'm not going to disagree with you. What do you make of the phone call as a practice? Are you still calling receiving

happily? Yeah, I actually have. I do hold a lot of, you know, worth in the phone call. I do think it's a good thing. lot of, um, of, um, you know, worth in the phone call. I do think it's a good thing. I mean, obviously it's slightly on who you're talking to, but I think like right at the moment, um, I'm away out of the UK and, uh, it can be an absolute lifeline. I'm not even joking, even something like this, cause you're just sort of, you

know, you're waddling around amongst all these Americans. Yeah. Just to speak to an English person or even New Zealander is, I feel at home talking to you. I'd actually, on that, I'd actually quite like to hear a little more about what you're making of Americans because you weren't disparaging, but you sort of just, you bracketed them as a different sort of species. Yeah. Yeah, I agree with that. you've bracketed them as a different sort of species. Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. I mean, I mean, you have to remember that that was a text exchange, you know, it's quite

jocular. Yeah. So a lot of that would have been for effect. But we're just finding it slightly in terms of our time as friends. But no, I love I do. I like Americans. I'm working on a on a show where it's pretty much all Americans. And I've got to say, I'm pretty happy with them as people, I love, I do. I like Americans. I'm working on a, on a show where it's pretty much all Americans. And I've got to say, I'm pretty happy with them as, as people. I must say. That's great. That's nice. And not a universally held experience of them.

Yeah. But I think that's, you know, it's sort of lazy journalism. I agree. It's like, I agree with you. It's a stereotype. You're American. This is not what, by the like, I agree with you. It's a stereotype. You're American. This is not what, by the way, I need to make this clear. This is not what I'm about to say is not what I think about Americans. And this is a stereotype that I don't agree with.

But when you're clipping this together and making me sound like this is what I think of Americans. Okay. Bring the editor, just make a trailer out of whatever Tim's about to say now. Let's isolate this audio. Well, well, okay. An American, I see as an American, as a chap who is, he's quite a big chap. He's got a camera around his neck. Eating a Big Mac and he's not, the best of shape and he's standing amazingly

by Niagara Falls. The funny thing about that is when you actually get there, when you're on the ground, when you get feet on the ground, you realize that that person doesn't really exist at all. No, certainly not. In fact, I would say that what the stereotype you just described speaks more to you as an Englishman, that it says anything about Americans at all. I will say this. Niagara Falls, obviously it's on the border.

It's Canada and America. But I think, I think the American you're describing is more commonly seen outside of America. That's it. It's not export. It's not vivid, but That's a, it's not export. It's not vivid, but it's a sketch of Americans that we all come across incidentally, and also do get, you know, overly represented in, what do you say, lazy journalism, you know, you're on everyone's peripheral vision.

I have to say this, I have to put this on the record, because I think frequently, for one reason or another, Guy and I do talk on the podcast about the cultural differences between America and ourselves as New Zealanders. And too often disparagingly, I love Americans. Okay. I see what's happening here. There's so much to love.

You guys think this is going to go big in America. You're holding onto the coat towels and you're worried that we're going to get big in America and you're gonna get isolated, you're gonna get picked off because you've been trashing Americans on the pond. Tim's in America with a TV show right now. You've got your spelling bee. I need to get a piece of the action. So if any Americans are listening, I love you guys. They see through this. You're fantastic. They see right through this. I've done TV before, I had my own show briefly. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no think I found I've moved to North America twice, once to Toronto and Canada, once to New York. And I would say the image I have of I had a more probably in New York, I had a New Zealand friend to defer to and hold on to. In Toronto, I was flying solo. But I think I find with Americans, they're very forthright. They're very cordial, very friendly up top, can be challenging to penetrate. You know, I'm interested, Tim, you know, you're working, you're getting along with

these people. Have you pushed the envelope from colleagues to friends? Have you taken anyone out for a pint? Which is a very instinctive British thing to do. Yeah, yeah, I've latched onto one like an absolute fucking... I identified this guy early doors and I'm not letting this guy get away from me. It's like when Rory Underwood tried to tackle Jonah Lomu. I'm just grabbing onto those ankles and sitting down on the touch line I can go. And he's a powerful man. He's getting away from me.

How do you play it socially? So you say you've got to engage one on one. Are you being funny right out the gate? Are you earnest? They're very earnest people. No, not this guy. I found a guy, this guy's loose this guy's loose. I mean, he's like, he's, he's not earnest. He's just, he's good. And he's, he was dry. That's what you look for. That is good. Just go for someone dry. Yeah, look, you know, as well as I do, you do a TV show. You are a lion on the savanna. That's all you are. And you're, you're identifying, you're picking off antelope. That's all you're doing. There's no, there's no lion in the world. It's going to,

it's going to devour 12 antelope on an afternoon. You're looking for, I've, I've found one and I found a very weak antelope. And that's the guy I'm going to take to the pub. This combined with you describing guys, success, affording an ability for him to be xenophobic is painting a picture of power that you have in your head, Tim. That is frankly terrifying. It's not power. It's not.

I got, I got to say, I got to say it's not power when you're trying to, when you're trying to identify the weakest antelope on the belt. True, true enough. So in answer to your question, Guy, I've now, I've managed to, you're absolutely right. It's an absolute minefield. You then got to sort of go, it's, you know, it's not normal to ask a grown man for his phone number. That's not normal. Well, yeah.

You know, you want to, you want it to happen incidentally, don't you? You want to be lumped into a group thread and you peel out the individual number and you say, Hey mate, just thought, don't know if you're about this evening, fancy a pint or something, you know, you feel exposed if you're asking me. No, I complete. I completely and utterly disagree with that. Go on. That's the biggest load of all crap I've heard in all my life.

You cannot, no, no, no, that's not the way to, honestly, God forbid you ever get a part in a show. You do not pick antelopes off the group chat. You really don't. No, what you need to do is you need to have an incidental. You need an incidental chat with one of these people. Okay. And then you want a vague idea, vague notion of a plan coming together.

And then just when you have them at their weakest, most vulnerable, you say, well, look, can I give you my number? Then you're good. And then you don't have to go, you cannot be going into, that's like going to like, what? It's like going to like the top table at a wedding and just sort of, you know, trying to sort of grab a groomsman or something. You can't be doing that. You need to be one-on-one at some kind of read through or something like

that where you're just, there's a raised eyebrow here or there and there's a some kind of some kind of common bond. Something's happening where you can just say, well, we should maybe do that. Then you get the number, then you wait a couple of weeks and then, you know, weeks, weeks of isolation. It's hard. Can I say something as well? There's an irony to all this. It's hard. Can I say something as well? There's an irony to all this.

Which is I've had to play this game. Yeah. With you Tim. I had to do. This is more like it. There's two Tim's so can you? I've done this dance with you in Melbourne. Tim Key. Tim Key. And I don't. Hang on. Did you? Don't tell me. Don't tell me you got my number by picking it off. Did you pick me off a group thread. Did you?

I might I mean, it could have been a football group. I was doing the work you're describing in person. We were playing social football together. You know, you were talking your shit. I was I was coming in the side. I was doing the side bits where I'd say something funny. And then we went for we went for a meal perhaps. Do you know what we did? Do you know what a bonding exercise was? And I've talked about it on this before we've been for a juice. We went for a meal. It was you and Paul Williams, Mark Watson was there, Steen Ryskopoulos. And we played a game. We played a game. Do you remember the name of the game?

Oh my God. This is great. I remember the game. Wow. This was good. It was a good game. I cannot remember what the game was. I just have a very positive outlook about this game. The game was called On the Board. And what did you have to do?

It was a population guessing game. So there'd be a city or a country and you just put it out. It was everyone gets a turn to choose one you put it out there everyone makes a guess. Closest guess you're on the board. All you want to be is on that board. That's right. You've got to be on the board. You've got to be on the board. You're not tallying points there's not a clubhouse leader you're just trying to get on the board. Shall we gentlemen? Yeah we shall because I just want to get on the board again. All right I'll go first okay I'm gonna go for Johannesburg, South Africa. Right and then then the Tims now have to guess the population yeah that's right and do you know what guy all I

want to do here is more than anything I just want to get on the board. Well, that's kind of how it works, isn't it? Tim, should I go first and then... I'm a shoot for the hat sort of a gentleman, so why don't I... I'll throw something out there, potentially expose myself as an idiot. I think you should, because my first guess is one, but it's got to be higher than that. Give me yours. One is a powerful guess for on the board for Johannesburg.

If nothing else. Here it is. Here it is. It's four million. Four million. Okay. Tim, what do you got? TK. Well, you know, I'm not I'm not interested in that formula. One bullshit.

Good on you. I never have like that. No, so I'm going to go for four million and twenty. Tim Key, you're on the board. Fuck, the correct number is 5.6 mil. Bigger than I thought. Wow. I would have gone bigger than you thought. Oh, that's way smaller than I would have thought. I'll tell you what, you've got a nice, you've got a nice big chance to get on the board here, guy. Are you ready? All right. Are you guys ready? Yeah, you're putting one out there. No, I'm going to put one out there for you. the board here, guy. All right. Are you guys ready? Yeah. You, you're putting one out there. Uh, no, I'm going to put one out there for you.

So, okay. Here we go. Okay. Uh, I am going to go just to draw us back into the UK, which I've got every right to do. Yeah. I'm going to go for poor old, poor old. Well, I'll tell you what, I'll go for Edinburgh. Oh, I knew you were going to go to Scotland. I knew it.

I could feel it in my bones. I've never been. Guy's been so many times. Do you want to lead off? Yes. Yeah. If Guy had his eyes open while he was there, he'd give him a nailless. Edinburgh, Scotland has, is a city that has a population of one. Love that. He does. Yeah. Brilliant. 1.4 million people. Okay.

I'm going to go sub milli. I'm going to go 900,000 smaller than you think. Love that. I love that. I'll tell you what guy, you're only on the bloody board. Ah, that's a nice place to be. Congratulations. All right, gents, well to...

It's the only place to be. What's the finishing number? What is it? What is it? It's 559. But I'll tell you what, I'm worried about him because he's not on the board and now he's got the questions.

It's funny to me that I didn't give any kind of a shit what the answer was. I cared solely about if I had won or lost and then it was time to move on and you're right too but the thing is you have to take some of this data wrong because if another game of on the board springs up and someone lobs up one you've heard you want to be able to get it there isn't this very true isn't this perfect though because I'm now knocked out so this is the finals is it not well there is no final well this, this is it. There's no. No, no, no.

And yet here it is. Wait till it's Guy Montgomery versus Tim Key in the finals. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Okay, sure. Let's do that. And your location is Bermuda. Oh, one second Tim. Sorry, Tim, one second. Go on. I'm gonna just before I answer this, I've decided to come off the board. Okay. Okay. That's huge. Wow. Come join me, Tim. Just a couple of times. Okay. This is unheard of. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna say why would you?

There's no reason you would you exactly what you want to be you're on the board. Is it the journey Tim that you're chasing? Do you want the You want to I'm interested in coming off the board. Yeah, I'm interested in coming off the board and then getting back on the board. It's like when those people get kidnapped. There are people who get kidnapped. You do know this. They escape and then go back in.

I hope you know that. What are you talking about? I'm saying that there's some news stories where people climb out of windows and then climb back in. They escape like a Stockholm Syndrome style situation? I think it must in. Wow. They escape, they escape like a Stockholm syndrome style situation. I think it must be. Right. I think, I think there's a little bit of, okay, well that's good news. I'm out.

And then they think, do you know what? Back in I go. And I think that's what I've done because I've come off the board and my aim is to get on the board now. All right. Well, that's exactly what you've done. Bermuda, who would like to kick off for the population of Bermuda? B you've done Bermuda who would like to kick off the population of Bermuda Bermuda Bermuda but like Bermuda is like I'll kick off. Don't worry about that. I haven't kicked off yet, but Bermuda now

We're talking we're talking like a that's pretty much a it's a country. That's a nation state. Yeah Yeah, that's a country. Is it not on? No, I wasn't here for the inception. No It's absolutely all. I love it. But it's a country, but also I don't think it's big. It's not like a country. It's not like China. I think Bermuda, we're staring down the barrel of, it would be a bit weird to have a country that's got less than a million, to be completely fair. But then, you never know. Something like Bermuda. I mean, you don't sort of picture sort of Bermudans in their millions. Yeah, okay. I think I'm going to go for 400,000. Okay. Wow. Well, you know, the sensible thing would be to raise.

To say, because then I've got everything above 400. So I'll take 399,999. Oh, horrible. Tim Key, you're not on the board. Gomory is on the board. I'm on the board twice. I'm just on the board. You're just staying on the board.

The population of Bermuda, according to the 2022 census, 63,500 people. Oh my goodness. Tiny. Well, can I say this? It's a lovely way to end things, isn't it? Beautiful. I'm on the board.

Yeah. Coat towels dripped over the board. I'm also on the board. And my Tim's, my beautiful Tim's. Tim, you're not on the board, are you? Tim's not on the board. You took yourself off the board. No, I'm not on the board.

I'm not on the board. Yeah, right. I wish I was on the board. Me too. I love being on the board. Tim's not on the board. You took yourself off the board. No, I'm not on the board. I'm not on the board. I wish I was on the board. I love being on the board. Well, Tim, it's been such a delight to speak with you. And I hope that you know, I hope you use the phone call as the lifeline you describe it to be if you're feeling, you know, if that weak antelope gets a second burst, a second wind of strength and you feel isolated. I'm only a phone call away. Yeah

Well, this is really packed me up and I appreciate you know Even if that's the thing about phone calls, even if it has to be on a podcast you still take it You can still say what you like on the phone call, because the podcast is a little looser, isn't it? Yeah, I could treat this. This could pave the way to your more traditional phone call. You're sort of on off the books. Yeah, you're on podcast phone call. Just a couple of guys checking in on each other. I like that. That's nice.

Well, that's important as well. And that's, I mean that in all seriousness. Tim, I wish you nothing but the best for... I wish you nothing but the best of course and I also wish Guy nothing but the best. Oh that's so good. Well I'll extend that to both of you as well. Fantastic. To all of us, to all in sundry, nothing but the best. And to you listening at home, nothing but the best. Nothing but the best. That's us. Tim, thanks. Love that. Absolute pleasure. The Dandy, the most recent release of Penhaligon's, the British perfume shop of Nichon.

A mix of whiskey, Robles, Cedro, Bergamotta and Pachuli. A tribute to the endless nights of exclusive sale in the Iron Palace.