The Worst Idea Of All Time - Good Times: 08

Episode Date: October 5, 2024

Fresh off some branding talk, the boys pen a response to P. Schwartz with an exciting business opportunity. Guy takes a big swing on a joke and pays the price, Tim is ready to take it on the chin for public infrastructure, and the episode wraps with the first ever Good Times cliffhanger.Our intro music, “Los Angeles,” courtesy of Eyeliner.Get episodes early and in video on our Substack! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How does he always know the perfect time to bring in that noise? That's why you gotta ask yourself. Because Luke is that good. And then just when you think I'd like a little something else, it's like that also occurs to him. Everything that you think you want in a song, he's already thought of. Luke Rowell, aka Eyeliner, currently residing in Port Otahi you're in my hometown Oh no

Yeah and that's all she wrote there it is done done That was a disaster Well it doesn't matter because actually Brendan edits it in so it sounds better Oh so he syncs it up and we're good It's all gonna be perfect We're golden hands. Don't worry about that. Kia ora. Welcome to another episode of Good Times with Guy Montgomery and TimelyBats. You got it. This is a place of positivity.

It's, it's Marshall. Do you remember where I got this hat? We are the herd. That is from a Walmart in Huntington, West Virginia. Nice one, brother. If I remember correctly, you would have bought that hat probably about 20 meters from about 100 square meters of pure weaponry. Yes, true. Yeah, a lot of guns. Huge volume of guns just displayed next to all the other shit as you would in any normal store.

Yeah. I love the hat. I love the hat. I love the memory. We had a Thanksgiving. I know. It was occurring to me that we probably shouldn't get into this because we should attempt to. This almost feels like a false thing because we're trying to get Justin

on the phone or something. But this is when we went and stayed with Justin McElroy, who invited us into his home and life for Thanksgiving many years ago. It's a beautiful thing. Six, seven years ago and we stayed with him and we got to hang out with Charlie and it was just so nice. Did we watch Paul Blartmore Cop 2 on that trip?

Yes. Yeah, we did. Isn't it funny? That was the anchor. Yeah. All that positive stuff you just described purely incidental. We had no desire to engage with our friend's beautiful life. Off the clock.

It was just a necessary framing device to get to the grisly bits. Well, it depends how you look at it. Isn't it? Oh, I mean how you frame it. Isn't that, isn't that all life? Cause alternatively we created a structure to be able to hang out with the McElroys annually through some sort of form. We do it once. We do it once, one and done.

We do it once, but we do it well. Yeah. I've supposed people are fascinated. Do you talk outside of the podcast? I'm going to say yes for five minutes beforehand. Yeah. And for five minutes after. Yeah. Yeah. Five minutes off. Honestly, it's so brief and the conversation always goes like this, man, that was fun. We need to catch up more. And do you know what we do? Never that.

Nothing. We email each other in a group and an administrative group thread. I'd say once every month, few gags get thrown in. Very rarely. And the thing is in a meeting, in a meeting. Yeah. Oh, for the uninitiated, I'm so sorry. Let me just bring you in. This is an annual podcast that Guy Montgomery and myself have been doing with the McElroy brothers of my brother, my brother and me.

Good times is not that this podcast is just us having a good time. To the end of the sentence that we have been doing for 10 years in an American Thanksgiving, an episode gets released of all five of us we watch Paul Blackmore cop 2 we discuss it that's all it is this is not that podcast it's quick that show is called till death do us blart colloquial colloq I can't colloquially yeah that doesn't seem right to me you got it we refer to it as death blart good spelling spelling word. Colloquially. Not even going to attempt it. Could you? C O L L. Hold on. Let me, I got to be in a position

to fact check you. C O L L O Q U. I mean, if you're doing Q, you're always doing U. I don't even know how to start spelling it. OK, here it is. C-O-L-L-O-Q-U-I-A-L-L-Y. Check my own homework. Yep. Money. You got it. Of course. It's nuts. Come on.

Of course. It's a hard word, man. Yeah, I know it is. Congrats on your success. Thanks. This is my self-set test. With flying colors, Tim, it's so good word, man. Yeah, I know it is. Congrats on your success. Thanks. This is my self-set test. With flying colors, Tim, it's so good to see you. I come with news.

What's the story on your hat, your Nike hat? This is my favorite of the Nike logos. It's your classic. It's the Nike tennis logo. They also use it on Nike skateboarding. Specifically with the red and the, is it red and black, or is that a deep blue? It's a deep, it's actually, I think it might be a green can you check

oh so there's green like thin panels on top in there but there but there's a vertical panel that's far larger which looks black anyone on sub stack already knows it's just a hat what happens is sometimes when I'm watching the Australian Open I'm a huge Yannick Sinophan and I'll see his coaches box and they're always coming out with some nice stuff and because the Australian Open runs very late into the night sometimes I could be watching tennis at 2 a.m. and what's the deal with that did they just get into a match and it's they don't know how long it's gonna be well yeah it's midnight in Australia so it's it's still beyond it's not beyond the power but it's still to be? Well, yeah, it's midnight in Australia. So it's, it's still beyond, it's not beyond the power, but it's still ridiculous. But basically, yeah, the scheduling is, it's always under scrutiny. Because, you know, you don't know how long games are going to last in a tennis game, say a five set game, which is what the men play, it could be over in an hour and a half, it could last for five hours. And so the schedule, the scheduling is a prox. And you wouldn't usually, you know, and it often, especially when you get to the knockout stages, it goes

on the main, you know, San, New York, it's at Arthur Ashe, you'd have a woman's match, then a men's match. Okay. Um, so you would never, you know, you'd never sked, you wouldn't schedule a men's match to start after 9 15 PM. I think is the cutoff. Okay. But it, it still could start later than that because the woman's match could last for a long time, even a three set match can last, you know, three, three and a half hours Roger that. Uh, and I'll be, um, I'll be, I'll be stoned. I'll be watching tennis.

I'll be feeling fired up and I'll, um, be filling up a little bag on the Nike store with merchandise that Yannick Simmers' coaching team is wearing. Holy shit. And that's where the hat's from. Is this how it all works? Is this how this whole global economy works? People watch the sport, they get ripped, and during the match, they're on their online I mean, look, it's

Commerce-ing. You're not totally wrong. I'm wearing an Arsenal football jersey. I just thought that's because you're a big fan of the UAE. I love the UAE. You know, if you're flying, fly Emirates, fly better. I get nothing for that. If you're on the sub stack, you've had the long lead on this.

What do you think about this, Tim? Guy's wearing an Emirates top. I'm wearing an Arsenal top, but they are sponsored by Emirates. This is an Adidas top. It's a Nike hat. Yeah. What do you think about Mix and Match? Man, it's fine.

I used to companies that exist in the world. I want you to think there's a problem with that. But they both love the fact that you've bought their stuff. Can I tell you something I learned? If you write Nike on a phone like on the notes or on a text, at least on the Apple iOS, yes, it capitalizes the end doesn't even think about it. It knows what you want to do. Wow. Adidas. They'll auto correct the word. Don't worry about that. But they won't give it a capital. Okay, say I think I like the brand Adidas more. I don't know why. I like it visually more. And I like a lowercase. I like the, I think it's a Gen Z thing. Maybe it's actual branding is what the lowercase a.

I don't know. Is it? It is. Wow. So it's actually respecting your trademark. It's the lower A. The more you know. Speaking of brands, and this is the news I wanted to bring to you. It's brand new news about brands. It's brand new brand news. You might remember. You know, it's pretty good.

A month ago, I made contact. With one P Schwarzenegger. Yeah, you did. If you don't, Patrick Schwarzenegger. That's right, of Moshbars. Of our thighs. The potential. Of us tattooing him on our bodies fame. Sponsor of the podcast. If you don't know about Mosh, now's the time. It's all about their mission driven company and steps that people of all ages can take to start working on their brain health. Mosh is a mission driven company. It's aimed to educate consumers about what they eat impacts their brain health. Mosh is a mission driven company. It's aimed to educate consumers about what they eat,

impacts their brain health. And we raise money for Alzheimer's. We've been really proud to say that we've raised over a hundred thousand dollars for Alzheimer's research. Many people kind of refer to Alzheimer's as a type three diabetes. So this is why we have zero added sugar. It took us a long time to get something

that tasted really great with that. Hold on, did they just make up a form of diabetes? I've never heard of type three before. But she's famous. Who am I to doubt it? Anyway, she's a Kennedy almost. There is an article from McGill University. Maria Shriver and Patrick Schwarzenegger's protein bar capitalized on famous names to live for sketchy science. We're not interested in reading that. It's an academic.

It's a, it's a lot of boring words. Boring. It's a lot of people saying, you say sketchy science. I say it's a Norfest. Too many words, not reading that. That's right. When they say that eating wash bars can delay Alzheimer's, you know, your instinct is to raise your eyebrows.

No, I choose to believe it because they are the sponsor of the show. It's the power of positive thought. I made contact with one P. Schwartz. Twice the same message. Okay. I remember this happening. Yeah.

You'd think you wouldn't hear back. Yeah. But what if I told you? Yeah. I received the following I told you? Yeah. I received the following. Here's the opener. My man. Whoa.

Is this real? This is real. Holy shit. I got a my man from Patty. I got a my man from Patty Schwartz. Okay. Huge. Life is great. Hope you're well.

No punctuation. Great. You're the hope you're well no punctuation great you're the wrong you're fucking blow up his spot I'm not blowing up his spot I'm promoting his product on spec hope to get mosh bars down under some time space two exclamation marks, radio silence. I don't know if you need to get in the nitty gritty with all the grammar and punctuation. I'm just telling you what I got back. Okay.

I've left them hanging. It feels slightly petty to me. I have left them hanging. Okay. Do you need a reminder of what we said? Howdy Patrick, love and life down in New Zealand. Hope you're also thriving. Mosh looks incredible.

Can't wait to try it. Any chance of Mosh bars, making it down to NZ sometime soon. Peace and love, your friend Guy Montgomery. And that was just to open the conversation for us to get some bills paid on the sponsorship, which we're doing for Mosh. The next message I sent.

Howdy Patrick, loving life down in New Zealand. Hope you're also thriving. Mosh looks incredible. Can't wait to try it. Any chance of mosh bars making it down to NZ sometime soon. Peace and love, your friend Guy Montgomery. What was the gap between the two sends? It's not important.

It's important to me. It was a read, I tell you that. He'd read the messages. He responded the second time. We've got an opportunity to craft a new, bespoke message for Patrick Schwarzenegger. Hope to get mosh bars down under some time. All right. This is where we go hard and gas it. Foot on pedal. Okay.

Patty, great to hear from you. And can I say you're talking to the right guy? Capital G. Oh, not all caps, just capital G. On guy. Yeah, got it. It's sort of a pun. Yeah, it's perfect. I've got an exciting branding opportunity.

I would love to talk to you about involving Marsh. Let me know when you'd like to discuss. All my best. No, I don't like that. What's a different salutation we could use to sign this off? Catch you on the flip side. Yeah it's in the neighborhood definitely in the neighborhood of that. Um I'm it's like a stay groovy it's like stay groovy stay groovy. Do you like that? I like stay groovy. Stay groovy. Stay groovy G-mont. Yeah Yeah, love that. Nice. Yeah.

I'm gonna read it back to you. Okay. Tell me what you think. Patty, great to hear from you. And can I say you're talking to the right guy. I'm gonna put an exclamation point there. Excellent. Enthusiasm. I've got an exciting branding opportunity. I'd like to talk to you about involving Mosh. Yeah. Let me know when you would like to discuss Stay Groovy G-Mond. Now this is sales 101. We are presenting the message to him as if this thing's going ahead.

We're not asking, we're telling. That's right. We're not saying if you would like, which is a very Kiwi way of doing business. We're saying, this is happening. Let me know when you want to talk about it. Should I push send? Yeah, definitely.

It's out there. Right. Which means it's time for us to move swiftly into our segment that we feature every episode right here on Good Times. And that is the word of the day. Here it is. Side. Side.

Bigger side. Side piece. Side. Pick a side. Side piece. Side piece. I actually call it, I spell it side piece P-E-A-C-E. Because as long as I'm getting my tip wet we can keep the piece. I hate it. And this is the thing about podcasts it's impossible to delete or edit anything. Everything stays on. You ever feel that? I mean, do you ever, you know, when you were at school or you're with friends and

there's an opportunity for a joke that is absolutely beyond the pale. Right. Do you still jump on it? Oh, it's so context. Um, it is a term in a tiff. Yeah. Uh, like in certain company. Yeah, for sure.

It's because that's what a, you know, this is the marker of a certain type of friendship, I think. Mm. There's certain people you can hang out with where there is enough time accrued where it's like, I can take a punt on an absolute clunger. I kind of risk free. I had a shocker in the car the other day. Did you really? Oh, who was in the car? Chelsea? Mm hmm. Joe Dowling. Do you feel to so these are two I would say of my most trusted I can fall on my face in front of these people. Yeah.

And it's fine. I actually can't even remember the setup. But I'm wincing. It was it was it was we'd been riffing on Papa Roach. Oh, we've been talking about cuckolding maybe. Okay. And we were talking about it and we sort of cuck my... And I went, oh, we're talking about it and they said, cuck my life into pieces. And then that was all I said and the conversation moved on. And then five, 10 seconds after I'd said that, I said, actually, I want to track back. I've got another bit for that.

And I say, Cock my life into pieces. This is my wife sweet Cod. Wow. Huge. Now, You've made a number of errors there and I'll break down a couple right off the top of my dome. Number one, parody songs,

you gotta keep it as short and efficient as possible. This is a trap everyone falls into. They're like, I can work more jokes if I just go longer. The game is, you are riffing on the familiarity of the tune, you wanna have a twist on there, and then you wanna get out as soon as you've made your gag. The twist is the first word. Here's what you want to do.

You want to put wife into life in that first line. Cuck my wife in two pieces. Son of a gun. Why would you go to the second line? Oh my God. And then dropping a C-bomb in there. Cherry on top of that shit Sunday guy. That was a mess.

I honestly cannot believe I missed cuck my wife into pieces. That is everything I wanted. And I do I do you know what really got them? What? I went back. Yeah, the second bite of the apple man. I went back for it. And they were they were so physically analyzing.

Tell me about the response. So you go I want to rewind the tape. I tell you this. I do stand up comedy often. I try new material. Yeah, a lot of it doesn't go well Sure, I was actually at one of your shows recently and I tried new material. Yeah, the joke was I Yes, I'm on a bit of a seafood diet I see food and if it's from the ocean I eat it Yeah, you did do that silence. Yeah, it wasn't it didn't go down well in the room. One person from the audience. Did you write that? And I just say I didn't write that. I didn't write the start. I but the twist was all me.

I don't want to pile on guy, but you're doing very well in your comedy career. So allow me to give further context. Generally at an open mic where stuff doesn't go well. Often you can attribute it to the not being a critical mass of bodies in the room. It was a sold out night. Yeah. I mean, look, I said other jokes. There's about 75, 80 people in that room. They worked. What I love is they wanted to laugh. They come to laugh.

They paid money to come and laugh at people. I love the freedom to go. But so I did that joke and that was that went badly. But I was like, that's fine. I can live with this. I'm used to trying out a new joke, you know, that I think is funny, but it's too bad and it doesn't work. What I experienced in the car when I went back for the Papa Roach, it felt like bombing when it was beyond my control or faculty. It was one of the worst joke

telling experiences I've had in a decade. Really? It was a disaster zone. When did this happen? I'd say a week ago. And so again, can you take me through what happened in the wake of you saying what you said? There was silence. I think maybe Chelsea broke it and she said, you went back for that? My wife's sweet cunt. And then Joe, of course, laughs at what Chelsea says. And I've got my head in my hands.

I'm in, am I in the back of the car? At least in my memory of it, I am. Wow. You are now. Yeah. Metaphysically. If you were. And then, you know, they, they love a chance to gang up.

They love to team up. They love to put me down into my place. And I think it's something to do with your height because I enjoy that too. Yeah. If I'm with another person and you're there, there's just something that it's like, all right, now it's time to get Monty together. It was just, I just, the feeling inside of me was like, I want to go back. And I never really feel like I was like, I want to go back and put the joke back in. Because now they both with and without each other. Yeah, just throw sweet cunt at me. Just as like a reference is like, like, they say it, you know, because I

guess in the world of me going back to tell that joke, I established that I'm comfortable with this language. And think this is funny and I think this is good. And now they're ironically taunting me by using it against me. Perfect weapon. At every other opportunity. And I've got nothing for it. I can't say I'm just at their mercy. It's not a bad position to be for a dude who is enjoying success to have such a silver bullet at all times

by two trusted allies in your life. You know what I mean? Because to have that kind of weapon sitting on the table, which you've done in a way by telling the story on the podcast, but it won't have any effectiveness coming from anyone else. No, no, no. They were in the room. And it's, it is the, the depth and the strength of the relationship you have

with Chelsea and Joe that allows it to be weaponized so cuttingly. And I don't think it's a bad thing to have in the year. I don't think it's a bad threat to just have existing. It was just, I think it was just the size of the swing in the mess. Yeah. With people. We were all having so many laughs. I can't tell you how good the riffs and the vibes were that day. Anyhow, what was the word of the day? Side side. Yeah, right. Word of the day side side. Yeah, right. Bit of a side story there. I yeah, I don't know what to tell you, man.

I mean, have you ever heard a swing and a miss like that lately? And not on stage and company. No, but not that I can think of. But I think what I admire about you guys, you do take those swings and it's awesome. It's great. It's important. People do it. It's really important.

People do it. And it is risky out there. Yeah. Not all of them are going to work. Um, I know it. There was, I was, I can pick a situation where I might've had. So Nick phone, very trusted at like, yeah, I think he's in the trust tree. Absolutely. Anything could be like, totally.

That's a real strength of a friendship is when you can just throw out absolute clangers, sort of without fear. Yeah, I call them clangers. You call them clangers. Yeah. Yeah. What's the difference? Yeah. It's a vowel. We were together on a goat farm recently, having a little holiday mid-week. Hi. And I imagine, I can't remember any specific examples,

but I would have been thrown out some terrible, terrible shit. Oh yeah, that's a different, it's similar but different, you know. It is similar but different. But it's only- I think you're both playing with the form, you're both experimenting in the same way. You're missing the same amount, arguably.

I'm forecasting here, but I'm guessing. Yeah, that's probably right. Yep. I'd say so. This was the biggest swing and the only miss of the day. Far out, man. I got to say, I probably wouldn't take it back. Even though at the time, all I wanted was to take it back.

I probably wouldn't take it back. Because it is sort of humbling and all that that entails. It's humbling and I think it brought, you know, and Chelsea and Joe are great friends, but you know, it's nice to, and this is, it was not deliberate in any way, but it's nice to lob up a chance for them to further fuse their friendship. You were the bad boss at work uniting the workforce. That's right. You're a union boy now. further fuse their friendship. You were the bad boss at work uniting the workforce. That's right. You're a union boy now.

Yeah, absolutely. Creating it, not part of it. What are the other interpretations of the word side that spring to mind? Side, sidewalk. Sidewalk is not a word that we use in New Zealand. We say foot path, which is really funny to me. Ours is so literal. Ours is better. Side is positioning the vehicle as the alpha and omega, which it absolutely is, especially in New Zealand.

I think we've got more cars per head of population in this country than anywhere. I don't doubt it. I think that's, if it's not true, it's very close to true. Especially Auckland. It's been engineered to only basically be, you know, to be an operational city by vehicle. We've got a very funny thing going on at the moment where we decided, you know what this city needs?

A subterranean train system. That's right. But we're going to wait until the entire city is built, developed, bedded in, fully solidified. And then at the last moment we will attempt to put a tunnel under it that can accommodate a train. Absolutely. And that's what we're doing right now.

Do you know what? We are the, in terms of, um, day to day disruption, there needs to be a generation to jump on the minefield and say, this one's on us. Yeah, we're going to fuck everything up for ourselves. For like, you know, five to 10 years where, you know, downtown Auckland, you'd love for it to be operational. You'd love for it to be a place where people go, a genuine hub. We're going to throw our body across that landmine for five to 10 years with an eye to a functional rail system. Meaning that future versions of us, or at least if we have children, they can rock it.

They're going to grow up. Here's my vision for the boys, your boys. Yeah. They're not going to know that Auckland didn't have a functioning rail system. They're going to be like, this city works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's worth it for that. There's a cost. I will say it has been going for so long that I have written off the fact, like

when I see it, I'm not like, I can't wait for that to be done. I think. That's the city now. That's where, that's where there's that big construction site. Yeah. There's no, in my mind, I haven't finished the picture. I feel for them because, you know, infrastructure is very hard and there's lots of planning that goes into it.

And they went, OK, I know this is going to sting for a while, but the city's big. We've got to get away to travel. And then they went, here's when we're going to do it. And they did it. And then immediately when they started, pandemic. Well, you'd think there's part of me, obviously everyone stopped doing everything in this country. But there's part of me, obviously everyone stopped doing everything in this country,

but there's part of me that's like, good timing, brush it through, you know, no one's using the roads. Oh, hard out, but I don't think that's what happened. The other problem we have in this country is we are so quick to bury or, you know, like dismiss if the functionality is an, you know, this is a very boring granular conversation about, you know, New Zealand infrastructure. But we're the judge of that.

If it's not 100% no teething problems fully operational from the outset, all the coverage is going to be like, this $28 billion blunder the trains don't even you know, and it's like every, of course, it's like the first episode of a TV show. That's not the show. Yeah. That's telling you what the show's going to be like. We're shocking for that. Aye. Everything is written off straight away.

We love a winch. We love a moan. We do. Which is quite a side attitude. You know what I mean? It's not main character energy. No, there's a side character. The main character. Well, it needs to pick a side, doesn't it?

It can't just be a middling winch. It has to either have a glint of optimism in their eye, or they could think they could be cynical and down on their luck, but they have to believe one or the other. You know, like, I try to see the best. I try to see the best in everything. Is that a crime? Not yet. What's the challenge? Seeing the best in everything. Is that a crime?

What's the challenge? Optimism? Yeah, seeing the best in everything. Yeah. Look, this conversation, I will say, took a turn to the... Infrastructure rule? Yeah. Is it a word?

No. Could it be? It should be. I like turning it like a word that is too long as a noun anyway and then extend it even more by turning that into either a verb or an adjective. Adverbs, they don't get much play. They don't get enough discussion. What's your favorite adverb? Well I actually struggle to think of them except for those ending in ly. Fittingly. Yeah quickly. Fittingly.

Quickly. Fittingly fast. Yeah try and teach Oliver about metaphors this morning at breakfast. How'd it go? Got there in the end. Yeah. It's a very difficult concept to explain. Well and she's very literal minded. Yeah. So if you say you, the garden is a breath of fresh air, that's confusing. It is. The garden is not a fresh, and also, you know, um, it was not delineating between simile and metaphor because I think that's just unnecessary. I, I, I got that. And at some point I think it'll come up, but I was like, you know, if something has to be like it to get the metaphor out, it can be like anything you want. Save it again. Simile is when something is, a metaphor is a direct comparison. It's not it is like, it is.

Roger that. A simile is like. Yeah, I, yep. And so for Olive, when she was doing metaphors, some things were like other things. Oh, I see. for Olive, when she was doing metaphors, some things were like other things. And I'm not policing saying, hey, you've been to the Simile lane here when we're trying to walk down metaphor Boulevard. They're in a bigger bucket of comparing things. That's right.

That's right. They're in a big bucket that says comparing things. Big green tick on the fuck in front of the bucket. Kick it over, don't worry about it. Hard out. Don't worry about the subcategories. Don't worry about it. Grab yourself a mosh bar, get that brain function up and don't even worry about it. Hard out. Don't worry about the subcategories. Don't worry about it. Grab yourself a mosh bar.

Get that brain function up and don't even worry about it. Now speaking of mosh bar, what's... What? Real time response. Patty Schwartz is back everyone. Sure. Let me know. Really?

Wow. This is real folks. Wow. The pressure's on now. I didn't expect that to happen. Nor did I. Certainly not within a freaking window. Well here's what I think. This is shocking. This is a shocking development. In a good way. We don't want to change the word. This is incredible. Let's not come across needy. No. Take a breather. OK. Come back to it next week.

Put a pin in it. OK. OK? Hard. Difficult. But OK. Just put it to the side. Side.

Nice. We'll see you soon. Full circle. Thanks for watching!