The Worst Idea Of All Time - Good Times: 12 (w/ Johanna Cosgrove)

Episode Date: November 2, 2024

Separated for the first time in a minute, the fellas are at their scrappiest. Tim crusades against voice messages. Guy questions whether his caretaking methods have turned him into some kind of soup authoritarian figure. Little Empire’s own Johanna Cosgrove brings ~un ti peu~ class to the studio, arriving to settle a score with Monty.Our intro music, “Los Angeles,” courtesy of Eyeliner.Get episodes early and in video on our Substack! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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the the the I'm going to be a little bit of a pain in the ass. 2. Buckle my shoes. When is the last time you wore shoes? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

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I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, sixteen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, one that's got kind of a wavy thing on that foot. How old were you when you were wearing Brogues? Little man. Brogues are like formal wear shoes aren't they? Yeah. I remember them being blue, this could be a false memory it's impossible

to tell, but I remember them being blue and I also remember them existing. What was your first pair of school shoes? Well I don't think... I've worn a school uniform once in my life ever. Oh wow. Like for one year of my school career. You did it for your... did you go from woe to go? 5 to 18 I was uniformed. Wow way. I was fully uniformed far out This is why you're pushing the boundaries so far these days You know, I you think are the sort of the sweater choice in the way I dress now is me spurning, yeah 13 years of

Educational mandated formal wear hundred percent. I educational mandated formal wear. 100%. I mean, it's true. We were at high school, our hair was only allowed to be a certain length. And I definitely, to my, not regret, but certainly, and I wouldn't even necessarily say visual detriment, but I can't find better words.

I grew my hair out immediately, you know, once there was nothing to rebel against and I was in charge of my own hairstyling and it looked Bad I've seen some photos of Shaggy Guy. I don't think I knew you while you were Shaggy Guy Rolling around with your dog solving mysteries. Yeah, do periods when it looked good Zoinks Jim really good I I have buckles on my Birkenstocks I guess mmm old old Buckley Berkies yeah Birkenstocks would do you know what the most comfortable pair of shoes in the world is I'm actually

gonna guess is it Birkenstocks according to you broken and Birkenstocks do you know what the least comfortable pair of shoes in the world is I'm actually gonna guess. Is it Birkenstocks, according to you? Broken and Birkenstocks. Do you know what the least comfortable pair of shoes in the world is? I'm guessing it's those ones that are gloves for your toes, where each toe gets its own little house, made of a material that I can only imagine as a type of latex, although that wouldn't breeze at all and your feet would just instantly stink.

What are those weird shoes made of, man? Those are, you think those are the least comfortable shoes? Potentially. I don't want something in between my toes, man. That's invasive, okay? What about this? I'll get the vaccine. Listen, I'll get the, I'll be first in line to get the vaccine three, four, five times.

I don't want anything in between my toes. That's my space. I'm sick of Big Pharma trying to push these multi-pronged shoes on me. Yeah. I'm imagining, here's what I'm imagining. Here's something that has definitely happened before. Okay.

Someone wearing a multi-toed sock in a single slot shoe. That happened before. Here's what I am now visualizing. Yeah. Someone wearing a single hole sock. Oh no. With the multi-toe shoe. Yuck. It's like it's like a souped up version of people wearing socks with jandals. Yeah it is. Because your foot, man, nothing would fit, nothing would work, it would look disgusting. Yuck. It would feel like, it's like, you know when, it's sort of like, I don't know if you've

ever worn snow gloves or whatever, but they'll often have an inner and sometimes when you pull your hand out the inner will come out as well and then when you try to put it back in your fingers get contained in like the main area of the glove and all the fingers remain unfilled and I'm imagining that it's with two feet for a full day. This is tough stuff. I don't like it. Do you know what occurred to me mid our conversation as well? This is something else quite obviously You're more interested in not thinking or talking it's not no it's on topic. Thank you. It's on topic This is obviously two men

talking about the most uncomfortable shoe because surely if we had a Female guest right now. They'd be like, you idiots, stilettos or something akin to the stiletto. Hey, I am all for, you know, their body, their choice. I support, you know, I support anyone wearing a stiletto. But the last thing I need to hear from you is that it's uncomfortable. Okay, how are you guys? We're not, we're apart right now, we're not together. If you put them on your feet and you're coming to me, on your head be it, on your toes be it. I was really, I was trying to shift this along

into something else, but if you want to stay into how you, you don't want to hear how women have a hard time wearing stilettos pregnant pause. And that's another one they talk about. Um, anyway, no, no, no. I actually, I had, so I had a blister on my toe the other day. I've got very comfortable running shoes. I've got a wide toe berth because I've had blisters when I run before. But when I was running the other day,

I got a blister coming through on what I'm gonna call, I suppose if the big toe is the thumb of the foot, the second toe is the pointer toe. It's the second toe. Everyone knows what you're talking about when you say the second toe. So on the pointer toe, I got a small, I got a little bl say the second tie so on the pointer toe I got a Small I got a little blister. It was coming on the scene. It was a he and

No, it's on this blister No complaints out of this what blister blisters on you know blisters on woman can be boys Girls are allowed to get boy blisters and boys are allowed to get girl blisters. I'm just speaking for my own blister. It was a fella. And it was coming through and this actually, as I'm telling the anecdote, realizing it doesn't get gnarly, but it's just a bit gross. Anyway, I was having a shower after my run and I wanted to attend to the blister because I didn't want it to remain as a blister. I wanted to pop it. You wanted to free it. I wanted to free... Why don't we say that? Can't that be the the verb instead of pop you wanted to free the blister. I wanted to free the fluid

Dramatically and I was reaching into my I Was in the shower and I reached out of the shower I could reach to like where my sponge bag was with all of my various bits and pieces. And I was digging for a pair of, you know, like one of those fine little fine tipped pair of scissors. Okay. I was going to use to pierce the skin. And I was rummaging around and I found instead of the scissors, I just plunged my finger without even thinking into the head of my razor.

Whoa. And oh my goody goodness, I've never done this before. Talk about a stinger. I was in the shower, I was like bleeding, not bleeding out, but I was just like, you know, the river ran red. Because there's so many nerves in that bit, man. Yeah, but look, I've almost, this is a while ago now, I've almost made a full recovery.

Yikes. It was so, no, it was so unpleasant. I don't know, I'm sure there are people listening who have cut their finger, the end of their finger on a razor before. I was like, I was so angry. This is what really bothered me. There was no, I was just so furious with myself.

I just thought, why would you put yourself in this situation? Gosh, I got so cross with myself. Oh guy Anyway, are you are you good with yourself now like absent the finger? Am I getting along with myself? Yeah, I am. I think I think the people inside me They're good people. We're we're all good guys at the moment. We're doing our best. You're asking how I'm going. I'm in Wellington. My stunning, my stunning, beautiful part of

Chelsea is realizing her dream of making a feature film she spent over five years writing. Incredible. And so we've, it's set in Wellington. So we've come down to Wellington and I am holding down the home front. We've got Olive with us and we're having a really good time. Chelsea's deep, man, it looks like a lot of work making a movie. I'll tell you that. Really? Yeah, this is something I've noticed. You know, I know that we, I know we built a, you know, we, we built our

relationship on the backs of, um, poo pooing the collective effort of how many people it took to make grownups too. But now they're up close. Looks tricky. I just think, I imagine that the budget and the sort of process was different but Yeah, I'll put this to you Tim. So it's all been pretty it's been groovy I'll have an I've been having a good time. You're in a real dad phase though right now. You're dead. Yeah I'm dead enough a storm. I am

I'm experiencing huge amounts of respect for the housewives of the 1950s. I think. I don't know how they managed to get the ironing done, dinner on the table and make sure they look proven proper when their burly boys come home from a hard day's work. I can't even handle popping a blister without cutting his finger open, for goodness sake. The whole house is perpetually falling apart. But no, Olive actually presently has fallen ill and I've farmed out my responsibilities for the duration of this podcast to a Spanish language teen soap opera she's taken to watching.

Wow. Yeah. opera she's taken to watching. Wow! Yeah and I'm in a different part of the house where I would say technically I can't hear her and she can't hear me. Oliver's nine, what do we think about this parenting? I think that's totally awesome. Does Oliver know Spanish? No but she's got a real ear for language I mean she's picking some up. It's all in, it's all you know, people, younger people than us have all taken to watching shows with subtitles whether they're English or not.

Wow. The future of TV is all of the dialogue and action is written at the bottom of the screen. Wow. That is so cool. That's like maybe the only good thing that's come out of social media for young people is that we put captions on everything so they normalized it and now they can watch film and TV in any particular lingua. That's right, yeah.

Foreign language films are gonna go through the roof. That's fricking cool. Have you watched any of this Spanish language soap opera yourself? Tim, I wanna be brutally honest with you. I went down to check on her before sitting in the saddle here. There's something about either the TV

on which she's watching it, because we're not in our own house, or the production values of the show itself. When I sat down to look at the screen, it could not have felt more Like it was a porno. Oh really like the way it looks on the screen It's like you and I was what by the way just for everyone's peace of mind the scene I was watching was between adult characters, but the and I was very brief But the way it looked on the screen in my head, you know

I was like going in a check on here. I saw the screen in my head It was just like, porno, porno, porno, porno, porno, and then I just turned and got out of there. I mean, so what is, is it, it's the look of it, it's the aesthetic of it? Yeah, it's just got that, you know, the money's not leaping off the screen.

Sure. Guy's got two kinds of things he watches, Marvel movies and pornography, so if it doesn't look really well lit, a lot of CGI, this is on the porno bucket. I'm not even in a big porno phase of my life, but there is a certain aesthetic which leaps from the screen into the the mind's eye. I also wonder if it's got, I'm so sorry if I'm interrupting you even more than I normally do,

but we're doing this through the internet, which we haven't done in a hot minute. And it's going okay, but not perfect. I wonder if that motion smoothing's on the TV as well, where it makes everything look like a play. Yeah, it's possible. Hold on we've got a I've got a cameo here. Hi Olive. Gone Burgers. Yeah it's too late on that. Was just um this is this will I don't know if this will reflect well on me. I

made us a sort of chicken soup for lunch you know. Yeah. Food for the soul. And I was like, you can't. This reflects really well on you. That's awesome data. Oh, okay. Well, no, I have obviously imposed such authority on the provisions and finishing of meals that I was getting an empty bowl presented to me as verification that lunch has been consumed and finished and what kind of

shipper you running over there man I don't know man honestly this is a funny thing isn't it and I'm not I haven't even parented from the ground up I've got I've picked up from two and like you know yeah after time and Hey now listen man one day to another it's you know, you want to get the kid to get to the end of the meal It's a great milestone and a huge achievement that's right, I and her appetite is less because of the the ailment but I Basically I was gonna say I don't know what kind of ship I'm running. I'm more or less just, uh, making it up as I go along, which I understand is how everyone has been parenting the entire time. Man, my head is off to you.

Literally. I'm not wearing a hat today. That is right. It's a cool thing. Hello again. Oh, it was too gross. Okay. That's okay.

We've got some Listerine action or something like that? Like an antiseptic. I don't know if you, yeah, like some form of, it's quite a deep reddish to maroonish hue throat gargle that I had prepared that was to be gargled after lunch. And it was just coming up to be told that the gargle was not a success. I think, you know, without the looming threat of me and the whip I carry standing over her while she does her mandated 30 second gargle. But look at this honesty coming up to say it's

incredible. Mate, it's incredible. You've got everything lined up chicken So you know Spanish language psychoporita that vaguely looks like pornography mouth gargle at the end like it's just you've got the whole And you know what the funny thing is I've basically done all of that in service of telling you I've done all of that At this point this whole sort of reward or function of me doing all of that is to sit on this call with you and say, I did all that. And do you know what the reward at the end of it was for Olive? What? The other half of this Whittaker's Santi bar. You can't get better than Whittaker's for our international... Wait, where is Whittaker's from? It's from here. Yeah, great.

It's real chocolate and it's good. We are now joined by our guest for the episode. Holy moly. It's Johanna Cosgrove. Incredible. Hello. What? Why are you so shocked by this guy?

Well, I suppose previously on Good Times, we've been physically together. Yes. And I suppose one of us or the other has sort of announced that we're making a phone call to someone. Never before is it this was the equivalent of having a door kicked in. Yeah I told you this was going to happen. Guy did you know I was coming? I knew I knew that Johanna would be joining us. I thought there would be some more pomp or ceremony to the announcement. I didn't realize it would genuinely feel like someone has smashed a door in.

This is that. Do you know what? I just. You missed two cameos from Olive. So to be fair, it's, um, it's, it's not, not been done in this episode before, but the style of this was completely different. Hey, how are you? I'm so good.

I've just had Shania Twain cranking and I was like, get them up in the studio. And I'm devout to miss olive. I She's a bit poorly and she's not on camera. She's more like a the specter of I you know It's the specter of olive. I'm Protecting her privacy not her health or her choice in television shows But I am protecting some of it privacy. Alright let me insert a tiny bit of pompa the very least two cents of an introduction we are now joined by New Zealand actor and comedian Johanna Cosgrove she's simply the best

she's the host and creator of Rats in the gutter you might have caught her recently on TVNZ's Madam. And- Oh, Tim. Actually, it was on TV3. Oh shit, was it? Shows what you know. Thank you, yeah. Yeah.

Thank you, guy. I know that Johanna's a big TV3 head. Wouldn't want to get mixed up. I'm passionate about MediaWorks. It's not MediaWorks anymore, it's Warner Brothers Discovery. I feel like I'm sort of the only one paying attention here. I'm just... I'll just go with where they tell me to go. That's at the end of the day. Do you know what? That is the modern media strategy. Unless you are

creating your own content and uploading it to one of Mark Zuckerberg's fantastic platforms If you want it if you want to go for your legacy media projects You basically just sit by the phone and hope that they ask you to be a part of it 100% or you just you're like scrolling mindlessly in the morning and then you're just clicking various links and then ending up Where you end up? Yeah, your honor. This is the first time we've ever spoken not face to face. It is. It's true.

We've never been on a virtual meeting. We've never been on the phone before. This is a brand new way of us hanging out. How does it feel for you? It feels sweet actually. Also because the view on my laptop, it's like like the three of us in a row and all our heads are kind of the same size and It's like three little friends like TTT There is something nice about how it's been like I don't this probably won't be

Put out to the internet like that. But yeah, it's that we've got our little thirds and it feels nice It feels even, feels friendly. Do you do you get are you go ahead actually I Was just gonna say I think that's quite unheard of in this day and age to have never only ever communicated face to face We've we've messaged, you know, it's just we've never minimal message maybe like three times. Often in service of you seeing Chelsea. Actually I would like to

rebut that guy because I sent you a happy birthday message and you left me on scene and you didn't even like it. Okay okay what platform? Instagram. Ah yes, that is... Which, and you saw it, you saw it. Of course I saw it, I read them all. How do you feel about this? I think, I thought that we were at the point where you would like it at least. But would you prefer... Liking is of course the bare minimum.

Liking is the bare minimum. I thought we were past the point of left on scene, but maybe I've misread your favoured communication medium. There's a little bit of that. Text is preferred. I am somewhat old school in this respect. I guess the thing about me that you have to appreciate is I am a really popular and well liked person. And so, you know, it's very easy. It's decreasing though by the day. It's decreasing by the episode. Yeah, honestly, not by the end of this mate.

I'm coming. I'm coming in hot. It's very easy for an Instagram DM, a platform I'm actively trying not to be on because it's eroding my mental health. It's very easy for it to get lost in the churn. And also, another challenge of trying not to use it is, I would say, the most active of all the correspondence channels I have. There was a period when they launched, uh, what was it called?

Not threads. It was called something else, but it was just the stories and messenger. So there was no actual, and I really liked that one. At that point, I deleted it from my phone and just used the messenger, the Instagram messenger function, but that's gone now. It's gone. I'm sorry I didn't reply. Thanks for the message.

It meant a lot actually. I really liked your one especially. How do you feel more broadly about phone calls? I love phone calls. I love phone calls. I love FaceTime. I love to call on Facebook Messenger. That is probably my...

I reckon if I had to keep between a phone call and a FaceTime, I would always choose a FaceTime. That's interesting. So like with video in front of you. Yeah. That runs contrary to me. I think I find it distracting. You're a cold call. I want to be able to walk around. I want to be sort of visually engaged by what's around me and orally. Opening Facebook messages, not responding to them. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be on a call with you and you can just hear my fingers opening new tabs and typing

and kind of, I want you to hear the distraction I'm experiencing. No, truth be told, I just, I much prefer the experience of just pure audio. It's interesting, isn't it? That's lovely. I think I totally hear where you're coming from because then your friend is like your friends like your little podcast. Oh God, I hate it when people are like I'd like to voice. It's a podcast, but it is kind of like a beautiful soundtrack to your day voice notes. I find highly disrespectful. I don't I don't.

Yeah, why do you why do you find it disrespectful. I don't, I don't. Yeah. Why do you, why do you find it disrespectful? Because it takes way less time for the sender to create and send it and way more time for the recipient to absorb it. I've got to fucking stop what I'm doing. Listen in real time to someone's talking speed rather than look at a message and read it way quicker. I didn't ask for it. What if I, what if I gave it way, okay. I didn't ask for it What if I gave it to me and now if I listen to it in real time? What if I did it real fast what if I was sending your voice message? And I knew that you don't like how long that takes I went hey Tim

I just want to let you know that I've got a little bit, you know with that You can speak you can play it back at double speed I want weird economy and I'd I'd bet you if someone's sending me a voice message Weird economy is not on the table because it's free flowing. It's you know, there's no proofreading. That's that is Beautiful. There is someone who is open and honest and engaging with you With love I want that and a two way conversation though, but I don't wanna just be sent a brain dump from someone. What about if we're texting about something

and it gets to a point where it's actually more efficient for both of us, why just go, so mid-text out of nowhere, you just get a voice message back being like, hey man. That's fine, that's fine, that's a special circumstance and I'm fine with that. And a special friend. And we're all different. Johanna.

Yes, Timmy. Guy, so Guy's looking after Olive at the moment, she's a little bit crook and he set her up with some fish, sorry, some chicken soup. Fish soup would be a wild thing to give someone who was feeling very gross. Also, how old is olive? Isn't olive like 11?

Olive is nine. Yeah, nine years old. No one wants seafood chowder at nine. This is not a nine year old food. Before their 12th birthday. I was imagining a bouillabaisse. Bouillabaisse. A bouillabaisse. Ah, the food of Massey. I know imagining a bouillabaisse. Bouillabaisse.

Ah, the food of Marseille. I know it. I know it. Do you? Yeah. That's amazing. What's in it? Can you spell it? Johanna can speak French. Yeah.

B? What? I can, do you know how to speak French? Guy, listen. Listen here. I have set little weird, if you look at my skill list it's like It's like a Renaissance man

cross with Like a petrol head from West Auckland like that's that's where the intersection where I'm sitting I Can speak French I went on to separate French exchanges as a child. One, believe it or not, with the army, the New Zealand army and the French army, and they swapped, they sent the children of both armies to... They swapped kids. Yeah, kind of. So I went and stayed on an army base in New Caledonia and it was cooked. I came out with head lice at 14.

Did you kiss any, uh, French Polynesian boys? When I went to Tahiti, yes, I did at a Girdleoyne Sean Paul concert. And then, um, someone, some rich cunt flew short, Shana Pile out to Tahiti for a concert for the rich French expats that live there and then I went on a yacht with Marlon Brando's great-grandson tell us about that it was my life hot Leo he was really hot he was I think he had a crush on the other girl that was there which I was okay with because I was happy to be on the yachtacht. Oh good. There's very big of you You just settled for being on the yacht. Yeah, I was like

Lightly cucked Me and Leo got along really well. We were like we were like chat chat chat I think we kept in touch via Bebo afterwards for a couple of years. I think, I feel like you get along really well. You are immediately open. There's an open charisma, which means that you are, you get along with everyone immediately, don't you?

That is such a nice thing to say, guy. And what I will say to that is 90% of the time, yes, but the 10%- Yeah, I 10%... Yeah, really good. Oh, when the 10... When I see... Like, and it's not indifference either. When there's someone... Like, it's either we get along or it's absolute hatred, like second one,

which sometimes turns to something sexy. But anyway. Wow. Not always. Which sometimes it turns to something sexy, but anyway Wow Not always I feel like I've just had therapy today and I feel like I'm back which is but in a bit of more fun way Yeah, do you ever do you want to know about your therapist? Are you ever like how do I know? How can I verify this information? Have you got your shit together? Oh Yeah, but this is a new therapist, but my last therapist you best believe I was like every little tip bit of information she gave me about herself I was like kick kick like it went in the in the Rolodex I was like okay Jackie yes I

remember that you have two kids and you live in Mount Eden and that you sold your house in 2021. That means that she's showing up to work for the love. Once we did meet for a coffee, is that nice or is that... No, that's not good. What do you think about that? That's only okay if you initiated it. What happened was we'd been doing Zoom because it was sort of in and around the alert levels

changing and lockdowns and stuff. And then she was like, I think we should see each other in person and we couldn't find a time. And then we both happened to be in Wellington at the same time. So we went to Loretta's and had a coffee. And who talked about their life more?

It wasn't Jackie. That's good. So you're looking at that's a free session basically. So what, well, I did buy her, I bought the coffee, but that's a very heavily discounted session. Oh God. Yeah. But I bet she was giving shitter advice.

Yeah. She's like, oh, she's like, I'm not being paid my full wage, I'm not getting my full expertise. Do you ever like, do you see- Oh, you go, and then I got one for you. I was gonna say, do you see therapists? Are you in therapy?

Yeah, I've got, I am. I see a woman, see me regularly, mostly in times of need. Occasionally when I'm humming on all cylinders, I go for a tune up just to be like, fucking watch me fly. But no, I saw there was a guy I was seeing for a while who eventually it was driving me crazy.

He would just listen and I would talk and I would like talk through my problems and felt like I was kind of solving them just in front of this guy and then Just what a waste he wasn't feeding bit He wasn't feeding back enough and then there was a point when I really needed input from him and the specific reason I saw him was based on this issue and he did all of his all of his input I just incensed me further and so I took a break and then I got a new referral from Tim's wife actually and I'm still seeing her.

Beautiful. Also, there's nothing worse than being incensed by your therapist, eh? It's not a good feeling when you go in frustrated and you leave even angrier. Yeah, and you're like, you've've completely misunderstood me which is your one job and you've alienated me further and you've actually damaged my mental health because I was vulnerable. And then charged me hundreds for the privilege. Hundreds! More if it's a psychotherapist, more if it's a clinical psychologist. What flavour are you saying Johanna? Who do you go out for a coffee with? This person here.

Well, Jackie... What is the spectrum? Does it start at like counselor I guess would be one end of the spectrum? Yes, counselor is kind of you don't have to have done the full formal qualifications. That's where I'm at. Yeah, so personally I would not, I would avoid counselor unless I really liked them. Jackie was a psychotherapist, which I would constantly try and understand what this was, but my understanding- She's just like, where are you?

Yeah, she's like, fuck you little bitch, 130, 110 dollars. I'm like, I've just had a really hard day. She's like, yeah, you're just had a really hard day. She's like, yeah, you're going to have a hard day after this. Psychotherapy, my understanding of it is that it's like, it's the idea that you talk it out. And then there's cognitive behavioral therapy, where you're trying to like, reframe responses to things.

And then there's the one where you close your eyes and you make, you make your eyes move EMDT or whatever that is. Oh, that one sounds wicked. I want to hear one. You can like erase. That's why I like to have FaceTime off because I do the eyes chat and I'm doing my eye movements. That's why I'm so lucid on my phone calls. Yeah, because they're like,

wow, I had this lovely conversation with Guy. He was so calm because we were just there like... Guy shuts off every sense that isn't associated with the phone call. He puts a little peg on his nose. He shuts his eyes as tight as he can. That's everything. I wanted to know earlier, Johanna, so you went for a coffee with your therapist and

you had a half a therapy session, which was the cost of one coffee, which if you know, on balance is a good deal. Do you ever go for a coffee with, I think it's different with different tiers of friends or acquaintance, but you ever go for a coffee with a friend and then afterwards you're like, man, we just were not vibing. We just didn't get it off the ground this time. Yes. Absolutely. And I'm really actually, I'm glad that you've named that and you've said it because I've had that. It doesn't happen often because I love my friends and I love to spend time with my friends. Louis, that's the dog.

This is Louis, he's very sweet. He's not my dog, but I am looking after him. Yes, where you just like, you sit down and you're just off from the get, but you persevere for 30 minutes, and then I made a promise to myself I'm getting better. If it's just not going to happen, I'm not going to go in for the second coffee. I'm just going to be like, I'm going to go now.

But the friendship's not off. I'll always give it another, I always write it off as like, oh, we just, it's just, as you said, we just weren't vibing today. And do you ever, do you ever reflect on one of those and you're like, and this isn't about you, this is kind of, I think this is something that happened to me recently where you're like, I don't really think I offered them the sort of companionship they were looking for in that experience. I was like, I don't think I was listening the way they wanted me to listen or something. I feel like I was kind of talking, we were talking

across each other and I felt responsible. Yes I feel like the person that it happens most often with for me it's because they're not giving me the convention that I want. Yeah I mean well I can't imagine you'd be responsible for any of the parts of your life which aren't optimized. And that's exactly what Jackie said too after the $4.50 latte I bought her. It's $4.50 advice. That is a 2021 coffee. I bought a coffee today for like 6.80 and I was like, that's right. That's what that costs now. It's sickening. It's sick. When, because we were both in the UK recently and then you look at,'re like yes five quid 11 New Zealand dollars like I'm my brain I'm still buying it my brain is so stupid I was like five dollars that's not bad

you're like that's all right that's all right five dollars five pounds five dollars So so. Um, back, yes I can spell wea base and would you like me to? Wow, I like, I love that you carried that through line. Hit me with the chance. Okay, so first, first things first, I don't know if you guys do this when you spell, but I have to spell it on my, on a surface with a finger. Okay B O U I L L A B A S S E. Wear this. Is it incorrect? You missed an I. Fuck! There is an I! B A I S S E. I'm so sorry you can't speak French. I don't know... SSC I'm so sorry you can't speak French. I don't know I

Suppose maybe you were scratching your head too much when you had your soup in New Caledonia trying to fuck Marlon Brando's great-grandson. Hang on. Getting that illustrious bloodline. Oh my God. Nets at 14 has got to be pretty fricking terrible, especially for a girl. Rude, man. Yeah. Rude. What did you do? What was the treatment?

Did you do the vinegar? I feel like I've seen on American TV shows mayonnaise. Am I making that up? No. They like it clean so you so basically I had to have like dirty ass hair at high school for two, three weeks which is already a crime, criminal event and then I had to do the OG. I had to get the like get the knit comb, comb out all the eggs. My mom would put tea tree in the hair, which was, and let me tell you, that dried the scalp to the goby desert is arid as fuck. It was flakes, it was, then you have dandruff and that-

Snowy little shoulders. Yeah, snowy shoulders. But I will say this, I was 14 in 2006, 2005. So thank God there's no social media and everyone looks everyone looks ranked like there was no YouTube makeup tutorials everyone was like pastually it was okay it was all right. You know what? I'll bet there were people that looked good. You guys, since the man who went to Christ's College.

Yeah, I wasn't one of them, but I'll bet you there were people that looked good. Yeah, there were, but it's okay. The NITS passed, luckily we got rid of them quite quickly. The dandruff cleared up. Um, and I was back underage clubbing in no time. Hell yeah. Did you have a fake ID? Yeah, you best believe I was in a syndicate of fake IDs. So you'd, it would be sort of first and first served. Um,

and the trick was to get one of the seventh form girls who turned 18, who looked vaguely like you and then send them to get another driver's license and say that they lost their driver's license. That's so sick. I had a quick idea when I was I worked at the New World in Kandala the supermarket for a couple of years. I know it well. Beautiful little suburban town. We were so close to each other Tim. I didn't know that, and Wally. Yeah, my parents live on Amapore Drive off of Bison MacRosen train station.

Oh, far out. I was very close to- Give out more personal details. You can dox your previous self, that's fine. I used to live very close to the Kandahar train station. I mean, you guys had what, 30, no, I'm joking. Oh, Kandahar station, one station over. So I worked with this guy, Dan, Dan?

That's not his name, but he looks like a Dan in my head. Cool guy. And he gave me his idea. I think he did this thing where he had maybe a driver's license that was coming up or he had his restricted and going for his full. So he gave me his old one. Fantastic.

I was like 16. I also looked like I was about 11. But I would go out with those guys to Bodega back when that existed. And my ID got taken off me and I'm going to say his fucking name because I will never forgive him for this by a guy who went to my goddamn school called Tom Dorman, who was a doorman and now owns a like pretty successful company that make bliss balls and I will forever be ropeable about the fact that he fucking took my idea of me Is he like Tom and Luke?

Yeah, he's Tom. He took my fucking idea off me And I was like, here's why I'm furious about it Stop me getting in that night, that's fine Don't take the fucking idea of me so that I'm now unable to go to clubs in town. You sack of shit. I got to take it. It's like the opposite of teacher man to fish, you know?

He's talking about my fishing rod. I grew up, my name was, what was my name when I was growing up? It was like Paul Fredricks. And then when I was 14 years old, good white guy name, I murdered an 18 year old called Guy Montgomery. And I went through his wallet and I took his ID

and I tied a bunch of stones around his body and I buried him in a lake. And ever since then, I've been able to go to clubs and sort of my whole life story, it feels like really starts from there, far out. You've taken a few years off and a full, you've got your beautiful persona. And how is it, Paul Friedrichs,

how's Life as Guy Montgomery been for you? Paul Friedrichs is a previous version of myself, I can barely even acknowledge. Life as Guy Montgomery, I feel like I've really made something of it. There is a huge and ongoing lawsuit with his actual family who have obviously found out that I am not their son. But because it's ongoing, I'm not allowed to talk about that. Fair enough.

Fair enough. You're like, there's a certain section of the Avon River that you shouldn't check. It was a lake. I'm not putting them in the Avon. People are always finding bodies in the Avon. And it's quite shallow in certain areas. Yeah, big time. It is. Not that I know that from experience. Littered. Absolutely littered that river. We've got to close off. Do you have any other Advice or locations to dump bodies either of you if the situation arises for our dear listeners? Always wanted to get my hands on acid that's powerful enough to dissolve a body don't want to do what's body But you want to do some Bolshevik shit you want to do like you want to get rid of those Romanovs What is a therapist? there was no illegal thing a

Therapist must if you've done something seriously wrong Imminent danger to yourself or I can they can they can Share that information a priest what about in confession I I've never heard of an exemption for priests. For anything actually. Free rein. Free rein for behavior. And yet.

And yet here we are. Do you know what? They'll just pop them to another parish. Pop them over. Yes. Moving along. With our less attractive kids. They're at a parish where the kids have n so we can't possibly in the episode on there What are you what are you doing with this dog? Oh Look, he's I've I had to lock him in his crate because I went to a meeting and he's itchy and he wants to go for a walk

But I'm not I'm gonna be a little freak and not give him a walk because I have to go to an audition For which I can't say Look I gotta be honest Hannah. I don't give a hootin a holler about the audition. Is that dog gonna get a night walk? He's absolutely getting a night walk. He's getting a big, this dog acts like he's never been walked in his life where he gets two hours every day. He's a border collie cross with a lab and I love him so much, but he's not my dog. Border collie cross with a lab is a fascinating level of intelligence because

it's probably coming out neutral, right? Yeah, well, he bullies the cat on my behalf, which is like I'm into that Yeah Sometimes he's an agent of chaos. So he'll like he's like my capo. Is it how you pronounce it? Who's to say the cat will jump up and try and scratch the television for attention and before I even move to like get the cat off the dog is like and like grabs the cat fantastic well you've been to return the fucking favor your honor and take this pooch for a walk at some stage but I wish you the best of luck for the audition I hope that goes well. What's it for again? What were you saying? For the

audition I can't say. What were you gonna audition for? It's just an ad. When was your... okay listen I then I will leave you. When was the last time either of you had to do an audition? How and how was it and did you get it? I don't think I've ever booked work from an audition I do on average I would say five a year for ads and I only go because I say no to so many things my agent tells me to do and so like half of them I have to be like fine. I'll go to this fine. I Go I'm guilty. Yeah, I hate it. I hate it. It's a great way to arrive in audition Since a sense of duty

Interest in booking the job. I Would say the last audition I did I can't really remember I didn't get it I don't book auditions either the last one I can remember doing actually was to be the voice of an animated character for a bank and I had to do a lot of auditions and I got it and they then took me in and I recorded a whole the whole like I recorded the internal launch I record the first TVC it was like a big overhaul for the branding of this bank. And they wanted me ad-libbing in the studio. Can I guess the bank? No, we're not going to say the bank. TSB, blink twice. He blinked twice, let the record stay.

He did blink twice. Even better, I don't even remember the bank, but basically they advanced me half the pay and then six months went by and I said, we're just, we've had to delay the launch for some reason and nothing happened. Then a year went by and nothing had happened. And then now like multiple years have gone by and they never asked for the money back and they never launched the campaign. You moved it the right dude, Mr. Free Bricks. Can I say that things work out for Guy Montgomery.

I'll tell you something about him. He hadn't booked a single thing before I came on the scene. Alright, we're going gonna wrap up there. Johanna, so lovely to see you as it always is. So much for having me, what a treat. I can't believe I didn't spell word based right. I'll never make that mistake again. Our random word for the day was captivate. I had it up the whole time, I forgot to look at the tab.

You've been a captivating guest. You've done that. I didn't realize we didn't have a word. I need to shout out Johanna's podcast, Rats in the gutter. You need to listen to it. Thank you. That term produces. Yeah. This is insider trading but you know it's correct. The only kind of trading I know. Such a visceral name, isn't it? Have you listened to it, Guy? No. Guy doesn't listen to this podcast. He doesn't listen to anything. It's alright.

Because I know that Chelsea listens to it and so I love that. Chelsea's a fan. I think Chelsea was an early adopter and was loving it. And I feel like you maybe asked her to be on once and she's like, I don't think I can do it. She said no, but I am gonna persist.

I am gonna persist because I think she'd be a great guest. I think she'd be really interesting. But I think as soon as the conversation was over, she'd message you being like, hey, can you never release anything like that? She'd be like, that whole, it needs to be cut. Not all needs to be cut.

All right, you two. Adios. I think this could be gonna give a beautiful relationship of phone calls. Hey, if either of you wanna phone call me, phone call me anytime. There's a bit of water. I love to be phone called.

There's a bit of water to go under the bridge, I will say, Guy, from this left on red. Like, you have to initiate that. There's a bit of water to go under the bridge, I will say guy, from this left on read. Like you have to initiate that, that's on you. I'll tell you what, I just got Johanna's phone number yesterday, because I never have had a reason to ring her on a telephone. I'll forward that to you. Because I FaceTime you on, I FaceTime you.

Exactly. Forward it to me, and I'll tell you exactly what I'm gonna text you, Johanna. I'm gonna text you my birthday and nothing else