The Worst Idea Of All Time - Good Times: 27

Episode Date: March 13, 2025

The Family faces their greatest threat yet as adrenaline junkie Tim Batt is unleashed upon the mean streets of Auckland. After passing his restricted (on the first go), Tim is raising hell across Aotearoa (between the hours of 5am and 10pm, or past 10pm with a supervisor in the passenger’s seat.) Meanwhile, the wily Guy Montgomery, the brains of the operation, furthers his sinister goals of routing the Family’s best minds in the colosseum of phone chess. Can anyone stop them? The Word of the Week might hold the answer (91 mins, PG-13.)TWIOAT: Get episodes early and in video on our Substack! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A-Cast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Howdy, gumshoes. I'm part-time detective Trevor Campbell. And I'm your secretary, Ruby 3000. Thanks, Ruby, I got this. The biggest case of my career has just landed on my desk, and I need your help. You just said you didn't need me. I'm talking to the listener.

But I'm the only one here. No, Ruby, I'm recording an ad. Is that why you're in the broom closet? Can you just shut the door, please? Okay, where was I? And I need your help. The mystery? What on earth is making everybody queer?

Listen to Queer-ial wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Thursday. Only on the Sonar Network. I was gonna say that. And now you don't have to. Real cute. Hey, remind me how I put you in sleep mode. Acast helps creators launch, grow,

and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Oh, I like this Like where you go gun Yeah, man, you've got the rear Singlet edition of Guy Montgomery today. Oh, yeah Hey, let's just keep gum I'm breaking my rule about eating on the pod, but can I tell you about what I mean? yeah it's a spectacular really fucking good toasty made from a old spaghetti

bolognese bolognese which I made too much of absolutely riddled with mince beef yeah and a toasty with a slice of cheese. It's so good. It's fucking yum. It sounds fantastic. I mean, some people say the carbon carbs too much, but I think it's a great use of Spag Bowl. I love it. What you've said, it screams of flavor to me.

And the sharpness of that cheese working with the, with the, you know, cause if you leave Spag Bowl overnight, of course the spaghetti has a chance to absorb more of the flavors from the, you know, cause if you leave Spag bol over night, of course the spaghetti has a chance to absorb more of the flavors from the beef mince, putting that in a sandwich, warming it all up with a little oil and butter. The mouth feels fantastic.

The crunch, the moisture is perfect. So this is a fantastic dish. Congratulations, Tim. Thank you so much. I do, I sort of misspoke a little bit. There's no spaghetti in it. It's just the bolognese, because I separated them out.

Even better. It is, it is even better. You're right about that. Even better. I'm just having another mouthful now, and I'm realizing that there's no spaghetti in this. And that is so, that is just fantastic. You've been watching some MasterChef Australia.

I think I'm in toasty. Not for a long time, but that's what I was channeling so I'm glad that it connected. Of course dude that show is like one of the biggest shows I guess MAFSA is also we really latch on to some Australian reality shows hey can I share some sorry you go? Well I just wanted to know if you want to know what I've prepared. Yeah I do I I actually really do It's a tub of roasted salted cashews from a supermarket That's good. And you can have that if you want it, you know If you're fairly disorganized and you got stuff to do you can have that for afternoon tea

You can have that for a late lunch hell if you buy enough of them You can even have it for dinner a lot of people talking about girl dinner There's the fucking chat about boy dinner girl dinner. What tell me about girl dinner. Who's the fucking chat about boy dinner? Girl dinner. Tell me about girl dinner. I'm not on TikTok, so I miss these cultural- Neither am I. It's just like, it's just what I'm doing, but for girls.

They're having olives, carrots, whatever the fuck. So girl dinner isn't like brunch with the ladies, but we're going and getting dinner. It's like the meals that I know Girl dinners like girl dinner and there'll be girls having dinner right now. Listen to this thinking you fucking idiot You misogynist pigs girl dinner is basically ladies dropping the ball. It's nightfall They haven't organized anything, you know, cuz their man ain't there to tell them what they need. It's okay.

They're just eating whatever the hell. I'm having boy dinner, okay? My lady ain't here to tell me what to do. So guess what? I'm having a scoop of cashews. And that's boy dinner. That's boy dinner. All right, mate.

Why? Cause why should girls have all the fun? Hey, Cindy Lauper, I'm calling you out guys But it's what boys wanted for like four days and suddenly inherited the most fragile masculine ego of his damn life I'm just excited to see you bro. Hey, I've got huge news for you I've got enormous news for you. I'm wearing my Whangamata Beach Hop 2010 hat in celebration of the fact that after 15 years of having a learner's driver's license, I passed my restricted on the first go. Holy

Holy shit. Congratulations. That's massive. Huge. That is it. I mean also don't think for a second I didn't notice that red hot hat Can you talk talk to me about it? You have not driven? I mean you you you know that the hat is secondary to the license the license is genuinely a Huge moment. I'm so happy for you. I'm also actually if I can say I'm happy for Zoe and the boys I think it's gonna help unlock some some new parts of Auckland and some new adventures for you. I just want to know like were you nervous? What was the person who gave you the test like? What sort of stuff did you

have to do? Like walk me through the Timbatt driving experience. Waking up day of I gave myself probably a 30% chance of pulling it off and then really yep why so why so low because I hadn't really done any practice leading up to the test itself and and so then I I had quite a busy day actually I had a lot of things I needed to do but I managed to uber over to Zoe's work grab the keys get her car and just practice reverse parallel parking for like 45 minutes. Ah, this is the day before,

because I was doing the test in the morning the next day. And- Where'd you do that? I'd love to see that. You know that park- I'd love to see one guy, just, I'd love to see one guy successfully parallel parking in the same park over and over and over again.

That would really make me happy. And two fully grown adult men did get to watch that. You know that park that's down, the big park by my house? And it's got the car park in there. It's got these quite actually useful little single car bays to sort of test your abilities to do a parallel park in there next to the rugby club. And there was, for some reason,

middle of the day on a Tuesday, I think, at like 1pm, a rubbish truck with a rubbish truck driver in it. So obviously that's a man who's had his heavy vehicle licence for many, many years. And some other dude in a people mover who was just putting his feet up having a rest and just watching me Go hammering times in 40 minutes in and out of a park. Smokeo and his show. You ought to be kidding me

That's heaven on earth To uh, well, I mean, I mean watching any Watching anyone parallel park is fun and funny Yeah, like if they nail it you're happy for them if If they don't, you know, in your head you're like nah Fuck that. It's one of life's simple free pleasures that Self-driving cars are threatening to take away from us. Yeah, so you do your 45 minutes training Yeah on the count down to count down to test time. Yeah, how long until test? What's the neighborhood you're driving in? What's the situation? I'm in West Auckland is where the test is. I'm at the VTNZ in West Auckland.

Vehicle testing New Zealand is what that stands for. And so rocking there in the morning, feeling now after the 45 minutes of reverse parallel parking the day before, I'm a coin flip at this point. I'm up to 50-50, could go either way. And get in there, lovely instructor dude, assessor, I guess he is, and strike up a bit of conversation at the start, cause I'd heard that they open conversation with you early to kind of see if you can navigate talking out loud and being in charge of a car at the start, that is part of the test that is the test hi

how you doing guess why you're already being tested that's an yeah yeah vibes are part of the test so I mean yeah there's a secret criteria that we're not meant to know about which is would I want to be in a car with this it's a nice nothing to do with how safe you are it's basically like would I like to fucking hang out with this person. It's nothing to do with how safe you are. It's basically like, would I like to fucking hang out with this person while they're driving me somewhere? So you know me, I'm turning it on. And this guy, quite understandably, he was like, we've got a motherfucking 37 year old,

he looks at my ID, he's like, you've had this ID for, what, like eight years? I'm like, yeah, and that's cause the old one expired. Like your learner's license expires after 10 years and he's like well why are you, what sort of triggered you getting it now and I was like okay this is good, this is good for me. Two kids, you've got to start whipping them around to a far away kindergarten and he was like oh yep I get that, got a couple of kids myself, I was like great we're getting along, we're bonding, we've got common ground now I'm a dad he under he gets it

he understands the situation we're driving around I'm pretty confident with with all what I didn't know though what did catch me out quite a bit is two things actually one that I only kind of found out about afterwards in what zones are you supposed to go 30k? Because apparently it's quite a few residential areas you're supposed to go 30 and I was kind of going 50 everywhere. I would I would guess past like you know a run of shops the Green Bay Village you'd get it down to 30, a school perhaps but I don't know man. It was random streets because he wrote it was in the you know he emailed me back the sort of feedback afterwards. The other one was I don't know man. It was a long time cuz he wrote it was in the You know this he emailed me back the sort of feedback afterwards the other one was I didn't realize that you go on the motorway During you're restricted, but he was like go on the motorway and I was like, okay. Yes, sir. Let's do it

So that you feel on the motorway. It was fine, but you know changing lanes when you don't have a lot of flight miles is You know slightly nerve-racking Yeah, you gotta do it though. Oh man. I'm so happy for you. So did it first try done Done done fantastic. What did the guy say was he proud of you? He said um He said and I thought I was like I'll bet they'll fucking did you hear that by the way? I don't know if the mic pick that up that's the possum yeah oh you're a possum it's that big fat possum there's been a big fat possum that runs across this roof like all throughout the night starting at about 9 p.m. the whole time I've lived in this

house it's thrilling what are you gonna do about it nothing it's his house man it was his house before it was my house possums are bad guys in New Zealand yeah I know but this one like lives at my house and he's been here a long time you know okay it's not up to me yeah yeah but we were gonna go back was the guy proud We end the test he says how do you think you did? Which I'm like come on man come on. What did I fucking what did I just prematurely ejaculate what do you mean? So I said pretty good and he said anything you think you need to improve on I said probably went too fast

He's like, yep. He's just cuz I assumed there's like a you know, a bit of a gimme I had no idea at what times I was speeding and he was like anything else I was like, oh, you know check my mirrors more again No idea when you know when I didn't do that enough, but that's just a safe answer and he was like, yep You got it. Sweet. I'm gonna pass you. That's just a safe answer and he was like, yep, you got it. Sweet. I'm gonna pass you I was like fantastic news awesome Cuz I didn't want to have to do it again and I also think booking it in again would take months To get find a slot. I'm sorry. I'm Happy for you. What does that mean? Legally? Are you allowed to drive your kids and do everything as long as it's before 10 p.m

When I cuz I got my restricted license like as soon as I could when I was 16 or whatever or 17 and you couldn't have passengers unless they were on their full license or had had it for a certain number of years. I couldn't, you couldn't drive your friends, you know, but I think it's different when you're 37 with kids. I think, you know, they're not worried about you fucking doing labs Done more house with your dickhead mates You might be I don't know that might be the Ivan I probably I should know this but I don't know

I should probably check what the restrictions are But I thought it was everything sweet Except between the hours of like 10 p.m. And 6 a.m. 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. yeah yeah. Not driving for you between 10 p.m. and it's a damn shame because to be honest, those are some of the best driving hours. You know if you wanna be- Well you know me, I'm such a strict adherent

to laws that I don't believe in. If you wanna get your flight miles up on the motorway, you really wanna be doing a lot of them late at night when it's not so busy. And then all of a sudden it's sort of with cars you think I know these roads like the back of my hand now try every second week I'll drive I'll drive a five kilometer stretch of motorway with my eyes closed just to make sure I've still got it and guess what I don't I don't have it.

Now today's word brought to you by sponsor random word generator dot-com Thanks to the millions that we're sitting on Tim I don't know what to tell you. This is alarming today's word of the day is vehicular? No. Oh. Wow. Shit, man. It's one of the most like intense words.

It's really intense. That's such a, it's just like a big brick wall of, we've got a fun segment here, a bit of frivolity on our fun little goofy little podcast and we go into the grab bag and we've pulled out like a fucking brick just a big brick stopping us in our tracks no I just say no Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Howdy gumshoes, I'm part-time detective Trevor Campbell.

And I'm your secretary, Ruby 3000. Thanks Ruby, I got this. The biggest case of my career has just landed on my desk, and I need your help. You just said you didn't need me. I'm talking to the listener. But I'm the only one here. No Ruby, I'm recording an ad. Is that why you're in the broom closet?

Can you just shut the door, please? OK, why was I... And I need your help. The mystery? What on earth is making everybody queer? Listen to Queer-ial wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Thursday. Only on the Sonar Network.

I was going to say that. And now you don't have to. Real cute. Hey, remind me how I put you in sleep mode. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. I'm sorry, man. No, hey hey listen, no is important. This is like um. You know how I think about this is it's like, life is only worth something because you do

die at some point. You know, if we're all immortal everything would just not have any value. And uh. Yeah. So that is the nose roll. Someone's been watching Twilight is that was it you I don't know yeah it's me I've been watching Twilight no is Edward a mortal is that his thing I mean they kind of, but they're also vulnerable. You know, they're immortal unless they see garlic or...

Sunlight, bro. Yeah, getting the sun, which is why their skin's so good. Yeah, that makes sense. They've got such... That is what they say! They say, like, if you want to look after your skin, the number one rule is sunscreen, or... It would, like, in the shade all the time. Maybe that is why vampires... Do bass lemon by that sunscreen song. Yeah

It's like if I give you one piece of advice where sunscreen and then Chris rocked it is like sort of parody version of I want his comedy albums. No, no sex in the champagne room sex Ladies and gentlemen of the class, if I give you one piece of advice, no matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the champagne room. Oh there's champagne in the champagne room. Did you play that recently? I've listened to it recently. It holds up. It's so funny. It's really good. What a weird thing that was it was what was that associated with Romeo and Juliet or something the bears Lohan man like have a movie that was somewhat kind of my damn him putting out that

sure and it's a so If you're wondering what the fuck we're talking about there's an Australian film director called bears Lohan man who did like Moulin Rouge and talking about there's an Australian film director called Baz Luhrmann who did like Moulin Rouge and what else is he done? Strictly Ballroom, The Great Gatsby, Romeo and Juliet, the one with Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio, did a movie called Australia. He's um he's up to a lot he's made a lot of movies. He's a borderline auteur. Yeah, definitely and in the late 90s, I want to say like 98, yeah, there was this song called the sunscreen song which was like a graduation speech giving

advice. Style, address, yeah, yeah. And it was, and it would all the sort of chorus It was just a spoken word thing as it would always come it was like wearing sunscreen It was like the the song was like the first of a listicle It was like the invention of BuzzFeed basically someone heard this Baz Luhrmann track and was like what if we did that? But for everything it's just like some sort of but it was a my it was on the radio a lot Yeah, a big track. I don't know, I guess we're really fucking around now, but if it's like certain bits of the 90s, we were fucking around testing some shit out.

Oh, fuck man. I'm not gonna good old days it, but I like we were all on the same shit. It's hard now. I don't know what anyone else is doing. No one knows what the fuck I'm doing. Man, reject modernity, embrace tradition. Let's all just get together and watch space jams. Sounds like a very border you bro. I mean I like um

It's this honestly do you know what it comes back to for me and I know I've been talking about a lot this Podcast has actually charted my initial interest to my steady improvement For me, it's all about chess. It's about getting on that chess app. If I'm gonna if I'm gonna if I'm gonna be using modern tools I'm gonna be doing it to learn ancient games. What does that mean? Chess is now- You've dedicated all your time. My number one- You go on.

It's my number one most used app. It's the one that I have trouble with now. I'm playing Strangers all around the world. I've got multiple games happening at once. I'm getting my ass kicked on one hand. I'm beating some guys better than me on the other I cannot get past my dad. Tom Cashman has emerged as a real key nemesis. He's an asshole He's so good. He shows no mercy. If I ever tell him I think I'm gonna beat him. He just writes back ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

And that's what's up It's I guess it plays to all of the bits of Guy Montgomery that make up your sort of sporting part of yourself, which is a large part of yourself. It's sort of this element of friendly competition, like rules-based competition and... But it's also chess, which I feel like you've dedicated all your time to this game that lacks any kind of

culture around it. Chess has culture? What is the culture of chess? Because I just think of like, what do I think of? I don't know. I don't know what I think of when I think of chess. I know what I like what do I think of I don't know I don't know what I think of when I think of chess I know what I think of when I think of basketball I know what I think of when I think of cricket I know what I think of when I think of rugby I don't know what I think I mean there's a

there's a sense of spectacle attached to all those there's like proper industry and billions of dollars behind them to encourage people to watch them and go and watch it in stadiums. You can't do that with chess but like so much there's a small you know globally speaking not in the actual world of people who like stuff there's a there's a subreddit for it you know there's it's like anything there's people like the stuff and if you play enough and you get on YouTube you start watching videos of like You know Grandmasters or people or like people

Yeah, people this is a look like they're not gonna be good being surprisingly good But I'm not even in it for all of that. I just wanted to get myself off social media You're like I refuse to get off my phone, but I don't want to be on Instagram. So what am I gonna do? I have to have it on my person, right? It's in my pocket at all times. So what am I gonna do?

But if I pull it out, I want the first thing I do, even if it's against my own instinct I want to at least make me feel like I'm not encouraging my brain to atrophy by doing it and I also Really want to beat my dad And that's great. That's a story as old as time and I really hope you're able to at some point have you you've beaten Stephen in odd games, but not sort of like a Tournament style affair right or have you not beaten him in a single match yet?

No, I've not been in a single match. I've come close we sat down I made him take me seriously, but he beat me and he said I will always take you seriously Did you kind of get close enough to taking... Big, big, big time, but it's hard. It's like, you know, in Australian sports culture they kind of call it champing someone, which is when you call someone champ. Even if they're like your equal or they threaten to beat you, like, you know, if you call them champ, you've champed someone. So you've made them small again. And so it doesn't matter how much reverence and respect is packaged into his appraisal of my game I still must defer to him you know so much more than me and it is also there is an assumed and ingrained level of condescension or

Seniority which is folded into all the praise But I'm cool with it. It's a beautiful thing. I think it's such a Healthy version of the like I Kind of need the approval of my dad you have sort of gotten the most healthy possible version of that Where I just need to beat him in chess one time It's really basically. Yeah, there's not a lot of bag. Yeah No, no, I'm clean not that I know about it's clean it's cold it's clean. Not that I know about. It's clean. It's cold. It's high quality H2O. Mmm. You all know it's in my fridge Tim? Yeah, I do actually and I'm gonna make a meal based on the ingredients you give me.

Okay, you've got really limited resources. Hey. Here it is. I'm an incredibly creative dude. Okay, I'll start with I'm doing it from memory. I'm in a hotel in Adelaide. There's a kitchenette, limited bench space, small fridge. Top left, loaf of bourguin bread. Great, great start. So there's brown, sort of whole meal-y. Yep, to the right, half a punitive cherry tomatoes

and avocado Further right of that a block of Tony's Choco lonely some of that nice fucking fancy chocolate And can you just get into this for one second on the spelling of that because I think this is important Tony's Choco lonely well You know, I think a lot of chocolate, a lot of Tony's fans, myself included, it's sort of a, it's the Berenstein beers all over again. Everyone's saying this is called Tony's Chocoloney and it's kind of cause it's

got wacky shapes and when you open it up, the blocks all crazy. It's bloody, it's Tony's Chocoloney. It's bonkers world. Nah, man, this is chocolate with a harrowing message which is this is Tony's chocolate lonely. I don't know if he's isolated because all of the other chocolate is so exploitative or you know basically he's discouraging which everyone does anyway palm oil but he's like man look this is like stuff at the top this is the good stuff. I remember a failed stand-up premise I used to have which was like if the Aztecs came back to modern times

And saw how easily we could make chocolate and then saw people still using like bean to bar They'd be like are you fucking serious? You know how hard that was for us? Um, I have freaked like lots of people out who are chocolate fans with the revelation that there's an extra L in that name Where they look at the block in front of them and they go what the fuck you've ruined this. Yeah on Several occasions. It's nuts. Okay, so we got a little bit of chocolate high quality Tony's chocolate Yeah, okay we're down to The second shelf, blueberries, Greek yogurt, some small, like mini cans of ginger beer. We've got some salmon.

What? You're just making one delicious meal with all of this. This is great. This isn't hard. Well, this is I've got then I've got a pre milk that can't be everything I've gone there it feels way more full and then I've got some some beer yeah that's great that's fucking awesome that's great so have you got an avocado yeah I got a toast I mean this is you made in the shade. Oh, we're toasting the bread, right? We're laying the avocado on thick after we've whipped it in a little bowl Look ideally there'd be a little squeeze of lemon juice in there, but that sounds like that's not present. It's fine You can get away with just the avocado. So we're whipping that up. We're putting that on as a spread

We're cutting up the cherry tomatoes in a very specific way. Cut one in half, half again, quarters. We're putting that on top of the toasted bergen bread that's got the avocado on it. Tomatoes on top. We're getting some parmesan shavings on top of that. Whip that new gob. And then we're combining, we're breaking up the Tony's Chocolonely into quite small pieces, putting it in with the Greek yoghurt and strawberries to make sort of an ambrosia style dessert dish. Not too much. Wow, you're making dessert!

Just like not too much of it. A small bowl. We're here for the texture, we're here for the taste, we're not here to get filled up on yoghurt, okay? And then bloody we're drinking the ginger beer through that meal and then the beer is a nightcap at the end of it This is a great great situation. You've got in that fridge That's you're pretty nice with it there I mean the thing is because I'm working with limited resource and you eat weird stuff when you're in a sort of Motel style place by yourself. They're all self-contained meals. I will say this, I partner the yogurt and the blueberries with some muesli. Put the oat milk on

that, okay? I take the salmon, I have it with the avocado on toast. There's small differences, but we're basically singing from the same song sheet. I did forget about the salmon. I would put the smallest amount of salmon on that av to I would I would leave it out even I'd save That for another day. You don't have to use everything in that meal You get you know, you don't this is good And don't forget about my boy dinner You've got the salted cashews as well

There's a guy like a dietitian who says you're supposed to eat, I think, 30 different plants every day. Have you heard of this? Fuck mate, if I listened to what people told me to do, I'd probably be in this shape in my life. Yeah, I know the truth. The big red herring was the 8 glasses of water though. Apparently that's always been bullshit. The listening's not hard, it's enacting. You know like, you're meant to do stuff. What happens when you don't feel like doing it? that's always been bullshit. The listening's not hard, it's enacting. You're not like, you're meant to do stuff.

What happens when you don't feel like doing it? It's one of the hardest things in the world. This is why I'm glad that, I think this is why I'm glad I'm not on TikTok. TikTok feels like a lot of people yelling at you that this is the way you gotta do everything. And it's like, nah, you don't. Dude, I'm not on TikTok, I'm on chess. I'm on chess.com.

That's the way forward. I feel old now. This is like I've kind of, um, I am old. And I've sort of joked about being old for a long time. But I think this is the first time where I feel like our generation is now we're old guys. Like the millennials now are old people. We're old people. Like the millennials now are old people. We're old people. We don't know shit anymore. Yeah, and I'm fine with it.

I'm so fine with it. It's why you were parting the tradition. I'm actually really comfortable with it. I'm totally sweet, there's no issues here for me. I'm actually feeling very good about it. Why do you keep talking about it? No, I'm just saying I'm all good about it. You're freaking a lot of people out about it.

I'm just saying there's no problem here for me. You're freaking a lot of people out how much you're talking about it. I don't need to be socially relevant. I don't need to be socially formidable. We're on top, okay? I feel fine. Yeah. I'm not threatened.

I got a word for you. No. No. It's a good word. Absolutely not. Should we put a pin in it? Yeah. Or no.

I'm gonna, okay, how about this? I wanna say no to your rejection. This is a monopoly deal situation. It's a double just say no, all right? I'm deal breaking you. Okay. You just say no. Guess what? I've had up my sleeve the whole time. Alright. A second just say no. There's just one thing I want to say and I've been meaning to say it for a long time and that is you're a real piece of shit guy. Come on. Alexander Halifax Montgomery. Got the full name.

Sucker dick. Can you hear a... Bro. Wish I could. Just me in here. Alright mate. There's a funny comedian, I know that we're still going. Funny comedian, Adam Christie. He's Canadian.

I was trying to show a clip to Joseph Moore a while ago. He's got a joke about what I give it away to say what it's about would ruin it, but Before he does the joke I found a set of his and he's talking about you know How they talk about I've the op how Marilyn Manson got bruised was moved so he gets like I said I got the opposite of that. I had to get some ribs put in so I'd stop doing it. That's awesome. Bye everybody. Yeah.