The Worst Idea Of All Time - Guy Watched SaTC2 Twice: Highlights

Episode Date: March 19, 2022

This is a highlights package of an almost 5 hour ordeal Guy Montgomery went through after losing a game on stage with Tim, when the pair were determining who was the Best Worst Host of All Time. Please enjoy responsibly. Full video (if you want that for some f*cked up reason) is here.End theme song by Montaigne.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website / PatreonGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So here's the long and short of it. Last year, May 20, competition show, who's the better podcast host out of Tim and I, various different elements. I did a beep test. Tim brought his knife. We are dueling to see who will be crowned the best, worst host of all time.

And as part of that, we did, it was modded on a really great game show called golden balls which in itself was modded on the prisoner's dilemma it was like uh we could negotiate with each other but we'd make a decision in private and then reveal it to each other simultaneously and there's a punishment at you know um at hand if we both chose we could either choose to watch together or watch a part or like to not watch basically if we both choose to watch together we had to watch sex in the city two together at once pretty acceptable pretty palatable punishment if we both chose to not watch at all then we'd both have to independently watch sex in the city two three times horrible um the obvious thing to

do and then the third option was if one of us chose to watch the other one chose to not watch the person who chose to watch would have to watch it twice consecutively back to back, and the other person would have to live, I guess, with a dark cloud of guilt hanging over them for the rest of their days. And that's the path that Tim chose, you know, and it's not for me to pass moral judgment or to say anything about it other than that brings us to today. to say anything about it other than that brings us to today. So today is March 11, 2022. Just for a little bit of further context, on March the 10th, 2022,

I tested positive for the world-famous coronavirus, something I've famously been against. Now, I'm not, you know, seriously ill. I'm just tired, foggy, got a grokey voice, and I'm in no mood for it. I'd say that's probably the best summation. And so that basically brings us to now, where for the next five hours, I'm going to be watching Sex and the City 2 just by myself twice. Now, I'm not going to be engaging with the stream. I'm not looking at the comments. I am not taking on your feedback. I wish I was but that's just not how we're built.

We're following traditional worst idea of all time rules. I will have no stimulus to enjoy save for the film itself and I feel obviously I feel sick on account of having the virus, but I also feel like physically ill at the prospect of what I'm about to do.

Just further context before I start. Tim, you can turn your mic off now. I'll just say the last bit of preamble and then we'll go. So obviously, Tim's lost his microphone. I'd like to put a sort of curse or a hex on him. I have had to rent this movie for $5.99. I'm staring at a blank screen right now. And at the bottom of it, there's a cursor which says two hours, 26 minutes and 19 seconds.

And there's not a lot for it. I am going to start watching Sex and the City 2 in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I'm having trouble. Every time I try to look at the screen, my eyes kind of glaze over, like there's some sort of barrier between me and the movie. My body is rejecting what is in front of me. So I was dreading this. This is Liza Minnelli's Single Ladies, but I forgot there's so much to love here. The band, pretending to play their instruments are some of the finest extra acting you could hope for. Liza doing some of the iconic moves.

My favorite one's that side step with the arms. And then as soon as we get the main characters talking to each other again, we feel angry. You know what I'm learning right now? I'm taking a lot out of watching Carrie have a bad experience. I'm in a bad place because what I'm enjoying is watching our protagonist, like in a socially uncomfortable position,

which people are being rude to her. And I'd almost say this is my favorite part of the movie so far. It's crazy to me is that like this movie is about them being in Abu Dhabi. And if I didn't already know that, it would be impossible to guess. It's interesting to think there's a lot more lightness to Miranda now than we see all these years later and just like that. Shout out Samantha Jones, just calling it how it is. Literally making any scene with the four of these women watchable. For all of the sane people who aren't watching along with me,

she just got upset that her friends brought her children to breakfast it's a level of entitlement that in the world of this movie i can get on board with basically any decisions the characters make anything that creates tension makes life worse or harder for the people around them, I've decided I am a fan of, I will support, because these characters are making my life hard, and this goes sort of against my nature outside of this project, it is now my instinct to want to watch their lives be hard. And there's no reason any of their lives should be hard,

except that they're all fundamentally bad people, and so it's what they do to each other and the people around them. It's an incredibly toxic orbit to get caught up in. And I love it. Carrie narrating this makes absolutely no sense. Where are these voice notes going? They just stand in the place of the scriptwriters doing any work, or scriptwriter.

This Marco Rubio-looking motherfucker in the boardroom. Legend. Rudest man I've seen or movie, silenced Miranda with the wave of his hand. And Miranda's never been to a child school, so she doesn't know how to handle herself at these events. And for the Sex and the City Trainspotters, we are about to have our first and, I believe, only boobie sighting. And I'll tell you who's loving that.

Mr. Goldenblatt. This is a great scene too. Charlotte's making a life hard needlessly. She's baking close to 100 cupcakes while parenting her two children. It's a recipe for disaster. We love to see it. We're 33 minutes into this movie, which means I've got approximately two hours left, and only now are they introducing the concept of a country that isn't America,

which is where this movie is set. Again, so this is another moment to look forward to in the movie, because Big is about to disappoint Carrie on their anniversary, and it's going to create a source of long-standing tension that we can dip in and out of as the story advances this is great this is perfect because no one is in the right here it's really dawning on me what's in front of me which is not just getting to the end of this but it's making it to this point all over again. This is really fucked up. Great Miley Cyrus cameo.

Miley Cyrus rules. It's a fly in here. We're about to watch Coffee Guy. Here he is, ordering his coffee. I'd like a cup of steaming hot Joe, please. Meanwhile, Carrie's being racist. One sip of java.

Two sips of java. Three sips of java and this motherfucker is out of there like a shot. I reckon he's going to go and shit himself in a public restroom and they are hard to find in New York. I totally forgot this is the start of the movie. Coffee this is the start of the movie. Coffee Guy represents the start of the movie,

which is these women agreeing to go to the Middle East. I can't imagine anyone's watching me watch this right now. I don't know why I'm talking. This is such a poorly edited and written scene. It's like an argument taking place across multiple rooms in their house, but it's such plodding pacing. There's no urgency. And also, we don't care.

We don't care about the outcome. I would recommend getting a palace on in that apartment right now and seeing what happens. Never have people with so few problems found so much to agonize over. They're on an airplane right now and they have more freedom than me. I'm just visualizing what I'm going to do after this is over and I'm thinking, I don't think there is a walk long enough or a meditation powerful enough, or a sleep that is deep enough to wash the kind of sticky stench of this experience from me. Like, I imagine I'll feel differently tomorrow.

And it's not been going very long, relatively speaking, yet. But this will represent a blight on the entire day like i i don't think i will ever forget march 11 2022 they're in the middle east if you're curious they just got there and samantha's getting all of her um hormones taken off her there's still so much to endure for as long as my eyes were closed then, I was in a much safer space. It's not something I can do consistently through the film, but it's just nice to know. If anyone is watching right now,

I know that I can't see it presently, but please just do something nice for yourself or just a message. At least you can DM me. I'll check my DMs afterwards just to say that I'm going okay. This woman all chose to go on this holiday, and the first thing they do is sit around complaining and rubbernecking. Look, I understand.

You're going to rubberneck on holiday, but no one's making you do this. Which is an ironic statement given that technically no one is making me do this. I feel compelled to do it, I guess, because word is bond. I like to think I'm more likable than these characters. I'm losing, feeling slightly untethered from my traditional reality. I'm actually feeling quite wavy, like, but I think

I'm better than these people, maybe. Oddly finding the footage of this man stirring a saucepan or saucepan of milk, very soothing. I've not really warmed milk in a saucepan before, but I'm just wondering whether or not you need to stir it. I imagine you could develop a film on the side of the pot, but I reckon you could just turn the pot on and let it ride.

He's mixing in cinnamon now, so it makes sense but carrie's learning about other people's lives she's being introduced to the concept of empathy be interesting to see whether it takes or whether or not her body instinctively rejects it i think there was a gag just in like a visual gag that they have more food than they can eat. And this is funny to... Well, it's funny to everyone, isn't it? It's funny because I suppose in the world of the movie, the way that these women are being treated, which is like a private car each, more food than they could possibly eat,

that's the assumption of what Americans like. And none of these women are questioning it. It's the correct assumption, which is so fucked up. Great, great. Let's go and meet Aiden. At least it represents a version of story. For the scorekeepers,

I'm now over halfway through this film, which means I'm a quarter of the way through the project, which means that things are going badly. You know, this is analogous to the broader vision of the initial podcast, The Worst Idea of All Time, which is like, the longer this is happening for, the more potentially interesting it will become. Although I actually doubt that to be true today. I think, I don't think this is going to become more interesting. I think it's just

going to become sadder. Stupid motherfucker, Kerry. Aiden, haven't seen you for a while, brother. Let's take a look at you. Is he handsome? He has an endearing face. I'll give it to him. The fact that the Rugby World Cup tryouts are taking place during this movie with all the teams there at once in Abu Dhabi is one of the finer details of this film. It's a real testament to the attention to detail.

Charlotte's just introduced the use of the word into French and everyone's having a bad time. And I'm not even enjoying it. I'm having a bad time. There is so much not to enjoy in this movie. It's almost impressive. Also, the headphones on it's like

really beating it into me. Getting some Chucky in the mix. I'll get that blood sugar up. Still another hour of this first screening to go. Karaoke scene, musical shift, the arrival of chocolate. We're on upward surge.

It's not going to last long, but you know, you've got to enjoy these moments. It feels like the first time. It feels like the very first time. It's going to be some great social and political commentary from our core four now. So I've just told Chelsea what I'm doing.

And she's laughed pretty hard at that. I don't think she knew. She thought I was talking to Tim. Not myself. I've got no idea if anyone's wondering but this is it's a 32 milk chocolate with caramel sea salt it's close to the greatest thing we've ever tasted with a long long way to go until i make my mother or my brother understand rather understand oh yes this is such a stirring rendition of i am woman hear me roar that people across the entire spectrum of gender religion ethnicity are standing and charging their glasses on the back of this just rousing iteration of I Am Woman.

That was actually a real high point. The chocolate and the music and seeing Chelsea. That was really nice. It's quite tragic to hear Samantha declare them as soulmates in light of her being iced out, or her icing Carrie out of their friendship, and later intellectual property fetching the same characters. I forgot about this.

Now, this is another scene we enjoy. Carrie gets absolutely slated in a New Yorker review, which is basically what happens if you don't work on what you're releasing. You can't coast on talent your whole life. It's not wasted on me that I'm sitting in here railing against a movie that was made 14 years ago and that no one is making me watch, but I'm just working with the situation. I'm working with what I've got. Carrie's going to cheat on her husband because she wrote a bad book

oh carrie everyone else has got lives they're living as well you know you don't have to torpedo the entire holiday because you wrote a bad book you are just so entitled oh just performing anger trying to fuck the vibe for everyone. And the fact we follow Carrie because we meant to care about her. It's disrespectful to the other characters in the movie, but most of all it's disrespectful to us, the audience. No one cares what you do, Carrie.

Go ahead, walk ahead by yourself and now we get a voiceover of her describing what is already very clearly being visually told to us man i'd love to sit down in an edit suite and just snip snip roughly two hours and 30 minutes out of this film diamante sex in the city 2 opening credits roll credits bang there's your movie and the like you'd think because she's about to cheat on aiden and the thrust of the film is Carrie's relationship, you'd think that this would represent like the home run, the descent to the closing credits, but we're still 45, 50 minutes away from that. Oh, Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, Carrie, what are we going to do with

you? We're going to spend a bit more time together. Thank you to everyone who's on this journey with me. I don't know. I could be saying thank you to no one, but... The one that got away. I didn't actually offer some crazy line reads in this movie. Abu Dhabi? You? What? How? Where?

He's phoning it in. I might have observed it before. I don't remember. He's on holiday. He's on a well-paid holiday. I wonder if an actor like him gets given the whole script, reads it, is like, this is going to be bad, so I don't need to bring my A-game, and then just shows up and checks out.

Technically unprofessional, but also, if all of your scenes are coming after one and a half hours of a two and a half hour movie that is borderline unwatchable from the jump, I don't think anyone could begrudge him for not trying. I totally forgot that Carrie blames her cheating on Big. On her friends who just told her not to go to this dinner. They just cheated on their spouses. told her not to go to this dinner.

They just cheated on their spouses. Crazy that we've spent one hour and 48 minutes building to that moment and now we're going to spend 40 minutes unpacking it and it's such a non-event.

Oh, I get to see this guy, this Danish architect slash European android stacking a massive erection through his linen pant. Shout out to all my boys with erections and linen no better feeling so gross she's fellating a like a smoking device it's called shisha something about erections and linen is like a name for something I'm really warming to. It's staggering to me. So Richard Spurt, a.k.a. Dick Bot, is undeniably handsome, and he's sort of dirty talking gently with Samantha right now to turn each other on.

And one of the advertisements he has for what he'd be doing if they were in Paris, not the Middle East, would be hand-down blouse, simultaneous nipple touching, which is like, it doesn't matter how big your hands are. You could have, I think Rajon Rondo in the NBA has got famously massive hands. It's just not a natural distribution of finger to be stretching out that far. 207. That would leave, by my count, two hours and 53 minutes of this. Everything's sweet, big.

The stock market's down 100 points. You're colorblind. You can't read or write. And your wife cheated on you with her ex-boyfriend but she's all good because her friends didn't think she should tell you which is what the real point of conflict

in this conversation is about I'm a little boy I'm a little boy In the world of the film And I don't know what I'm doing. I know I feel so sad. I feel sad because this is still, still just Beginning for me today. There's still so much more to go. Why am I here? What is this life I live? Please hang up now and roll the credits.

Boo! The movie continues. Love that external shot. Oh, yeah, that's good. We've got a shot, three shots, consecutive, each from further out than the one before it. A big leaning on a big glass window in his big old office where he does his big old, big old ideas.

Oh, no, Carrie, someone's got a bigger problem than you. How's life going to go when you can't centre yourself as the star of the show? Got a sneeze coming everyone. Bless me. That's right, the final conflict

is that they might have to fly home and coach. Between them, they do have $22,000 a night. How did it not occur to them that this was insanely expensive? Like, they just assume this is what their life is meant to be like. Oh, Carrie. You beautiful white savior. Some things only a wealthy woman from America can do.

And that's advertise the value of marriage to literally anyone else from anywhere in the world. She'd know. She just tried to throw hers away because she wrote a bad book and someone said so in a magazine. Hi, I'm Guy Montgomery and this sucks. Every single problem these women are facing they brought on themselves. They brought every single problem unto themselves. Every single problem unto themselves but it's someone else's fault because there's no such thing as personal responsibility when you're a millionaire from Manhattan.

This is not their fault. The blame lies at the feet of someone else. Oh. These girls Oh, these girls are on the cusp of getting what they deserve. But it shan't come for them. Because that's not how the world works. I'm in a pretty good zone right now. Two hours and five minutes into the film.

Obviously another screening to come. And some loose ends to tie up. Presently. But like... Vibe wise. Still on that chocolate high. Full tummy. Feeling hydrated.

Pretty clear head. Not too sick. Not feeling too resentful towards my main man, TB. I haven't made a feature film, so far be it from me to be in a position to criticise the shortcomings of this or any feature film, but these story beats are so threadbare. It's impossible to care about these characters and like this whole

sort of falling action as they try to escape this lavish PR holiday that they assumed was their right which is Carrie lost her passport, something that they advertised so clearly halfway through the movie.

Charlotte hasn't bought a gift for her husband and children. Miranda's trying to wrangle everyone. Samantha has condoms in her purse, which was mistaken for stealing a counterfeit. Like, it's all first draft stuff there's no layers the only thing i really feel like we need to do before we get back to america is unveil some designer clothes being worn by the woman of Abu Dhabi because capitalism in high fashion travels across borders.

It'd be so good if they followed them and then they were like, this is bad to say, but bound and gagged for a couple of days just to learn a lesson. Nothing bad happens to them they're just like restricted and fed gruel man i'm i said i was in a good spot not long ago but it must be in a pretty bad place to be throwing some of these ideas out there usually i've got tim here to try and

course correct when i'm becoming too unmoored. I feel like I'm in a dangerous zone. The movie at this point is sort of something that's happening around me. I feel like I'm seeing things in bullet speed. I'm evading the film. There's a great Brazil t-shirt there in that shop. Oh, I use a callback here. One of the laziest devices to create the illusion of competent storytelling. That's right, Carrie.

You watched a black and white movie with Big. She unveils her leg. Oh, I can't believe it. We're going back to America. I'm a mess. Ripping off Oscar Wilde. There is nothing this movie won't do. I'm a mess, ripping off Oscar Wilde. There is nothing this movie won't do for an attempt at a laugh.

This would be a better movie if Big never showed up again. I can't believe I'm about to watch this again. It's actually really good acting from Kristen Davis there. A few little moments have really jumped out at me. Man, being fashionable looks uncomfortable and exhausting. You're at home by yourself. You don't need to wear a matching bra and panties and like a sheer nightie that runs over your feet.

Liable to trip up and bang your chin. Just chuck on a t-shirt and some undies like the rest of us. You know, I was doing the maths recently. I've got 33 t-shirts. It's too many, but I love t-shirts. Big time. We're rapidly careening towards a conclusion here. We have to hear True Colors. True Colors is the final death rattle of Sex and the City 2-1. Do you know that in two and a half hours I'm going to be doing whatever I want and I'm not going to be doing this? Did you even know that? Because that's where we're at.

Brother! If you're both bored with each other why not try seeing a couples therapist I don't know opening things up for a show that's ostensibly about sex or a film it appears that the only form of relationship

they're willing to analyse or even acknowledge exists in this movie is your garden variety monogamy i don't know shit i'm just losing my mind i've got credits now i'm gonna go to the bathroom quickly and top up my water and i'll um i'll be back shortly to just dive straight back in i guess what up my g shortly to just dive straight back in i guess what up my g hey monty how you feeling bud honestly i've got i've got a uh soda i've got some more choccy i got a banana i got a full bottle of water i just want to do this like this is i feel pretty good i honestly feel like i'm in the middle of a race um i've got like a weird energy.

Yeah. Let's ride it. Yeah. I think ride that, dude. Nothing left to do. Do you want to just rip the band-aid off? Rip the band-aid off. Hey, well, I want you to know, Guy, there is a good strong 70, 80 people that have been with you the entire journey.

There are some people watching along with you. There's no doubt in my mind that at least one punter here will be watching for a second time along with you. So know that the angels ride with you there's no doubt in my mind that at least one punter here will be watching for a second time along with you so know that the angels ride with you my friend there is a lot of love and support for Montgomery out there honestly you have so much time in this movie to think about like what the experience of this existing as a live stream is which is like what is what is this anyway look I'm just going back in um fabulous oh hold on i've lost the neon link i'm just gonna refresh my page okay surely that how good would it be if i have to rent it again just while you're doing oh man that would just be a cherry on top

how much did that set you back by the way 599 nzd how's our dollar going against the greenback right now couldn't tell you bro i'm gonna look it up uh 69 us cents so you know 420 probably about 420 all right yeah no i don't have to pay for it again so i'm going back to zero all right full screen godspeed drop me in i'll see you in a couple of hours in two and a half hours love you mate love you buddy i'm gonna start watching sex in the city 2 in 5 4 3 2 1 okay Okay. Okay. I feel physically sick. I just got to say, by the way, if you're in Melbourne,

I'm coming to do the comedy festival in April. It's so much more entertaining than this. Please buy a ticket. Tell someone you know. And after that brief brush with reality i just engaged in let's get back in the soup tell it how it is carry bradshaw that's right glossing over the harrowed hallowed history of manhattan and land ownership in the United States of America. That is how long the high lasted about being halfway through the work. It's this musical shift.

I've got to turn it down, honestly. I heard that so loud the whole time. Literally throw everything you've got at me i will never deal with any of this again i am invincible i don't care i don't care about anything you've done i'm above this this isn't even a movie this isn't even a challenge to me this is fun this is a hobby i do this on my spare time and i'm seeing all of this for the last time never again never again never again i'm smiling i'm feeling good i'm gonna have a drink i'll have a banana i should have a banana first i'm gonna have a banana

her best gay friend is marrying my best gay friend and i expect you a woman i've never met before to be excited by that ring-a-ding-ding-ding-ding the inn at drake point wonder if it's a real hotel if you're watching along and you're allowed to be on the internet have a look the inn at drake point connecticut real hotel not a real hotel. I'd love to hear. Oof, this movie is going to be so long. Fuck. You guys are really on the ride with me right now.

I'm oscillating wildly between highs and lows. But after this burst of energy fizzles, I know that I'm going to be dropping down low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low. One thing that this movie lacks is Steve in the second half. We should have a Steve cam. There should be picture in picture on this film. There should be Steve cam, bottom right, the whole damn time. Yeah, good line read, Steve.

The whole damn time. Yeah, good line read, Steve. It's interesting. A lot of the characters do crazy line reads that sort of puncture the world of the movie, but when Steve does it, it really consolidates what I'm watching. Runkle. I love his...

All right. Who wants a cocktail? That's why he says cocktail. Some words just sound better in an American accent. Willie Garson, the great. R.I.P. brother. You will be missed. Crazy the Queen owns all the swans in the Commonwealth.

There are some pretty gnarly swans at Western Springs in Auckland that I reckon she wouldn't want to be associated with. But, she is bound to. Queen's old as hell. Is the Queen 100? When the Queen turns 100, does she write herself a letter? Possibly a fun idea. Don't have the energy to take it anywhere,

but, you know, something along the lines of you did it you old bitch and then maybe she'll try heroin maybe that's the deal she made with herself go off liza he's up on me don't pay him any attention check out our old boy banging away on those cymbals in the background good couple of inches between the drumstick and the percussion instrument keep your distance dude if you hit that cymbal we're gonna have to start this take all over again and liza manelli is huffing and puffing up a fucking storm dancing to this if your drumstick so much as touches one of those cymb symbols you're going to be fired and if liza has

a heart attack you're going to be legally liable for that it's in her contract just this one time they should make big bye shout out to stanford and anthony for only inviting couples to the dance floor single people shouldn't be allowed to dance at weddings. Shit, I'm drowning in treats and snacks here. I'm going to go on a fucking searing high. And then I'm going to come down hard. You're going to watch it happen.

It's around the hour mark. We've already breezed through the first 18 minutes of this screening. Honestly, I feel like the whole big gay wedding, when does it drop off? Basically, as long as we're at the wedding, I don't feel the same sort of deep existential

agony that I do later in the film. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe next time I have sex, I should just yell out yeah constantly as loud as I can. I mean, I trust that these guys doing this is aligned with how they're feeling in the moment, but it just seems absurd. Okay, I'm back in reality, everyone.

That was a pretty good high between the end of that movie and the start of this one, but I'm very much boots on the ground, back at base camp, starting to climb the mountain all over again. If you're wondering, it's a pretty gorgeous day outside here in Auckland today. I'd say a balmy 23, slightly overcast, a gentle breeze. I can occasionally feel wafting through the window. It's, um, you know, I am isolating, but this house is not without places to sit outdoors. There are other things I'd rather be doing.

Also, like, you know, tonight I'd love to unwind by watching a movie, but I think I'll be done with movies for the day. For any of my Denver Broncos fans who are watching, how great is that Russell Wilson trade? Looks like it's going to be a great year of football. Women who are not our age. Shouldn't say women our age. Gotcha.

Always love the shirtless fellas playing croquet in the background there. I always assumed it's called croquet, but I feel like I've heard people call it croaky. Croquet, croquet, croaky. It's got to be croquet. You say any word long enough, it starts to feel different. Never seen the Kim Cattrall movie Mannequin. Watching this, knowing she's not in the others knowing what little i do about her this really does tempt one to go on a um kim cattrall binge

charlotte you brain dead drone charlotte is a long day this is when i start to get really angry at the movie and that is the same point they introduced marital tension something i believe as recently as about two and a half hours ago i was championing as a good development for the film where are we yeah we're about half an hour in it's frustrating it's a frustrating journey that this sins carry on Brady's undergone a huge journey from where he is here to where we see him now

just like that pot smoking sex machine I remember being shocked during the season that we did on Sex and the City 2 when Tim celebrated Tom for putting his hand in front of Miranda's face. And I like Miranda in this movie, but I really enjoyed it today. Twice. If only Charlotte bothered to learn one single piece of information about the woman who lives in her house and works for her, she wouldn't have to be paranoid that her nanny is going to steal her husband.

But then we wouldn't have ourselves a movie, would we? If any of these characters asked anyone a question about themselves and actually listened to the answer, you literally wouldn't have a movie. If any of them displayed the ability to not think about themselves for longer than one minute at a time, you literally don't have a movie. Any of them displayed the ability to not think about themselves for longer than one minute at a time. You literally don't have a movie. This whole movie is built around the idea, what if there were four best friends who couldn't listen to each other?

And it doesn't work. A song I've got in my head right now. Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous. I probably said this on the end, just like that series, but when I hear Erykah Badu here, I can't help but think. It's in the same apartment as where Big likes to play Todd Rundgren, which is a huge song and a constant refrain, as Kerry greaves him in just like that.

And so it's important to me that you know you are free because i never want to make a change for me don't change don't change i can't remember the name of the erica badou song but she samples that very song it's just it's a satisfaction there's a synergy there's the fact that the whole thing exists in the same place. Sober Fusion paid a shitload of money to be in this movie. We get, I think, three close-up shots of the label on the bag, and I looked it up. It's not a restaurant I could find in New York anymore, because I wanted to eat there superfusion. It crazy me that that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

I thought to bring dinner home for us. Real hunter-gatherer shit. She's like, that's it. I'm not going to live in a house where my husband brings me home dinner. We're leaving. Yeah, there are cameras. There are people.

There's small talk. Carrie is just finding anyone who will listen to her, pinning them down, and fucking waffling on about the non-problems that blight her life. Carrie Bradshaw is a dead weight that hangs heavy around the neck of this movie. The problem is we aren't compatible, but we're going to be married for the rest of this movie. The problem is we aren't compatible, but we're going to be married for the rest of our lives until you fall in love with a peloton and have a heart attack in our wardrobe. Don't hate her handwriting.

All caps pretty intense, but like the general vibe, legible, quite fun. Fucking Americans have the craziest PowerPoints. They've got some goofy-ass PowerPoints. Plugs hanging out of the wall like a pair of ill-fitting trousers. Don't be too proud to learn from other countries. Adapt something. The metric system.

Celsius. Shit that makes sense. Your life doesn't need to be as hard as you're making it. Introduce us to the star of the show, Captain Cool Guy himself. Would you like some coffee? More than anything in the fucking world, I'm reading the culture pages of the New York goddamn Times. I'm bored to tears by the poem. I need something to get me through this.

Brady, yes, smash it. I take one sip. I take two sips. And then you'll never guess what. I take three sips and I am out that fucking door. I love that there's the perfect silhouette of the two words coffee shop behind where he was sitting. For how much I begrudge Carrie, SJP knows how to act. I don't know that she brings her A-game for the whole movie, but every now and then, she slides a line read through that just hits it out of the frickin' park. That hat is a fucking outrage. The movie is less challenging if you have your eyes shut.

What I'm liking to think right now is that, say, three and a half hours ago, someone joined me for the start. They went out. Three and a half hours. You could go to the cinema, watch your own movie, have lunch, come home. I like to think about someone doing that someone starting going and living their life enjoying their their amenities their liberties and then coming back and being like wow he's still there he's still in the same spot in the same t-shirt talking in the same microphone watching the same movie the feeling i want people to have when i walk into a room is the opposite of how I feel when Charlotte walks into a room.

I'm so sorry you guys are watching me at this low ebb. I'm also like so deep in it now I've removed the fact that Tim did this to me for a fucking laugh. And I've just accepted it as what my life is.

I'm in Abu Dhabi. I'm in abu dhabi i'm with my people in abu dhabi with my people in abu dhabi let's let's skim over this back and forth we all know what's going to happen you're going to go for a misguided dinner aiden really wants to cheer on his wife you're going to say yes you're going to have a kiss she's going to regret it it's going to go home put her in a tailspin. She's going to call Big, but before she can even handle that, or actually as she confesses to Big, Samantha's going to get found out about having sex with a guy who hasn't even been introduced to us yet.

We need tension by the pool so that Miranda can take control of the trip, get them on some camels in the desert, have a guy in a bloody open-top Jeep drive by saying, what's the point of boring, stuffy business meetings when you have sunsets and sand dunes? Samantha needs to feel wet as a whistle. They need to go to a karaoke club, sing I Am Woman, hear me roar,

get his details, plan a date for the next night, turn each other on like fucking crazy, go out to get dirty on a beach. Be dobbed in by some conservative locals. Negotiate an exit strategy. Realize the room costs $22,000 a night. Navigate a trip to the souk to return Carrie's passport to her. Pick up some gifts while avoiding an angry group of men and the forbidden experience.

Fly first class back to New York City. Tie up any strands of story that we've left hanging loose on this daggy piece of shit. Listen to Sidney Lauper's True Colors. And ride off into the motherfucking sunset at approximately 5pm NZT. Friday, March 11th. Guy Montgomery paying his debts. Can't nobody say I don't do it. Because I do.

Shout out to my main man Tim Batt for putting me in this horrible situation. I hope you feel responsible, dude. I like watching them act off of each other as they sing. Because it's like new terrain for them. They're all actually uncomfortable to an extent, as actors, I believe. Some weird little moments. Still an embryo with a long, long way to go. Carrie's doing the most.

Understand. Oh, yes, I am wise yeah who knew that these four friends from manhattan new york could liberate the entirety of the middle east charlotte deserves better than the way carrie treats her i don't know if you guys are picking that up but we get these kids with their self-wired sound systems on the front of their push bikes strolling through sometimes and it absolutely bangs

you look good everyone likes to be told they look hot especially by Aiden here we go we've got a reason for the rest of the movie to exist truth be told looks like a pretty tidy kiss if I was Matthew Broderick watching along with this I'd think gee whiz I'm lucky I got away with what I did in Ireland in the 1980s I don't know this is the second time I've done Ireland in the 1980s. I don't know.

This is the second time I've done Sex and the City 2 back to back. Okay. Okay. So we're going to just do it all exactly the same as we did last time again. Wonder if I've received any emails in the last four and a half hours. If you've got my email address, feel free to send me an email oh Carrie don't call big just this one time okay okay I've hit the wall time to look out my big window oh Oh, it's a big window. The scale. Here's how big my window is.

You understand? It's massive. Stop making this about you, Carrie. I cannot stress this enough. You are exhausting. You're the most exhausting person I've come across in my fucking life. Pull your head in. Can't wait for dinner. For as long as Carrie's talking about this with charlotte i'm i've muted it i actually can't listen to it because it's making me too cross the word i want to use is incandescent with rage i there's no audio anymore there's just me talking because i cannot stomach another second of carrie bradshaw

crying about this self-made problem to charlotte who warned or like the total lack of respect she has but and this is charlotte is you know i'm not even on side with her I just can't hear her doing it anymore it's actually not a bad movie on mute it's interesting because I've enjoyed the movie without pictures and I'm kind of enjoying it with pictures and no dialogue now the main problem that I have detected seems to be when you watch

the movie with the movie's audio that's when I'm running into trouble have detected seems to be when you watch the movie with the movie's audio. That's when I'm running into trouble. That was actually a bad call because now having it with audio is twice as hard. I'm going to do a little bit with just the audio, no pictures. It's amazing. For as long as your eyes are shut, obviously the movie's playing out in my head,

but if you strip this thing of its imagery, it loses its power. I would leave Carrie. I would leave Carrie behind and just get on the plane. Oh, that's a shame, Carrie. I'd love to stick around, but I've got to get back to my family. You can do it. You'll be okay. Why don't you hit up Aiden for some help, and I'll catch you back in New York. And then I'd go around to her apartment and try and seduce Big.

Holy shit. Okay. There is not much left now. Then I'd get ushered away into a dried flower shop, change outfits, slide home, take care of business, roll credits,

roll credits. People probably don't want to hear about this, but I'm, you know, as well, you know, I've got COVID-19 and I'm assuming it's the Omicron variant, and I've been vaccinated and boosted.

And I would say, and I'm fortunate in this respect, but I would say that my time spent watching Sex and the City 2 twice today is worse than any of the symptoms I've had from catching COVID-19. It just seems kind of crazy to me. Like, you know, so grateful for the protection, so grateful that the virus has mutated to be a slightly weaker strain than it has been at its peak. But I didn't spend the last two years in my house trying not to watch Sex and the City 2. And yet, all things being equal,

this movie is worse than my experience of being sick. Knock on wood, I hope that remains to be the case. But this double feature has far and away been the low point of my day. Miranda's the only person who's not responsible for all of this going wrong. Do you have anything to declare? Yep. I'm Guy Montgomery. Who the hell are you?

I wonder why, Carrie. I wonder why Big didn't meet you at the airport wouldn't be anything to do with um what happened what your friends made you do you know your friends made you cheat on big and then told you not to tell him but you did it anyway because you're noble you remember that what a fucking noble heroic person you are how long how long could it possibly take for sydney lauper's true colors to kick in here what do we reckon five minutes it feels so far away five minutes feels so far away if i can crack into it let's hear some opening bars we do not need to watch these people arrive home we need to hear true colors if i don't hear true colors i will not know which colors to let

shine i might let my false colors shine without the guiding hand of rock star sydney laupa two things i need to know about what do girls want and which colors should i let shine through because as far as i know girls want to have a lousy time and i should let my false colors shine so the sooner we could get someone to address this through the medium of the soundtrack of the movie i'm watching the better for me and the more relaxed i'll feel but for as long as I'm not being told directly the answer to these two questions, the less confidence I have in my natural instincts and I suppose the more likely I am to make some sort of serious error

that might have long-lasting negative ramifications and impacts for me in my life and the lives of those around me who I care about and love. And for that to happen just because this movie was too long, frankly, feels dangerous, feels disrespectful and downright irresponsible. Why am I still hearing Sex and the City 2 soundtrack instrumental melancholy refrain when I ordered the song True Colors by Sidney Lauper up to one to two minutes ago.

We get it. You guys are going to stay together against the odds, logic, reason. You're going to continue to make each other's lives a living hell until one of you dies whilst exercising in your ludicrous wardrobe. So, here's where it's at. Hang your boots up. Hang your rings up.

Get that soundtrack playing and put me out of my misery pretty pleased that I've had this final burst of energy to take me through to the final countdown just really at a low ebb for a while there and while I'm not totally feeling myself I'm at least feeling like I can get my life back on track pretty shortly, in five to ten minutes when this movie's finished.

And I'd like to think, seeing as I paid $5.99 to rent it off a video streaming platform here in Aotearoa, that the double screening means I extracted some sort of value from it. Heck, even if it made my life worse, I extracted some sort of value from it. Heck, even if it made my life worse. Thank you to the instrumentalists playing the opening bars of True Colors. Yes, here we go. You have to take the tradition and decorate it your way.

Good advice, good input. Here we go. And as they lay there, watching a little black and white movie in a very physically uncomfortable position. And do you know the thing is, a lot of these movies are boring as hell. Give it to me. Fucking straight up, give it to me me tell me what you know about it range of colors doesn't make sense closing line doesn't make sense you got trapped between the black and white movie motif and your choice of final song for the movie but your final refrain you as the

narrator as a writer as the protagonist could have done a much better job of summarizing what supposedly we just fucking learned in the last five hours of my life. Gone. Down the gurgler. Finished. Fucking piss off. Never going to see you again.

Go, buddy. Hello? Hey, Tim. Hold on. Go on, buddy. Hello? Hey, Tim. Hold on. Oh, my God. I'm just going to close out of that. That's gone. I don't even know who I'm dealing with now, man.

Same dude. Same dude, different vibe. What the fuck's up with you? You're a changed man. Yeah, man. That would change someone. That would change someone if they had to do that if someone put another person through that experience willfully that would change a person so that's what i'm saying i'm saying if if someone else had to do that for whatever reason it would change them so i'm a person i had to do that it changed me it changed

where i'm at today so that's interesting that is interesting real course yeah it's fascinating yeah it's fucking real interesting dude do you have any interest in hearing uh my experience of this or are you just throw do you just need to i mean there's sort of a duality here i'm not going to keep you for long with time yes immediately no but in the interest of rounding out the experience i'd love to know how you spent the last five hours all i want you to know is that i have had you in my ears every single moment i've been changing nappies doing feeds dishes laundry we went for a walk you know i got you on mobile i have been with you every second of this journey okay i ordered you uber eats everyone thinks i got you pizza because everyone said i should get you pizza and then

i said i'll get him pizza but then i ordered you japanese for some reason that never turned up oh my god thank you though that's so nice. Yeah. There's a big tub of ice cream as well with it, but it seems like that is gone. Wow. That's just... That's crazy, though. That's really nice. What was it like for you?

Oh, man. Do you know what? I can pinpoint exactly when it happened. It was at whatever 3.30 p.m. was in proceedings, our local time. So I think you... I wrote this down because I forgot to hit the timer at the stopwatch, but you were 18 minutes in at three, which means it was 48 minutes into your second watch. You crossed a Rubicon well and truly. And from that point on, we were getting completely unfiltered in a monologue.

Like it was just unfettered guy on tap and um it was very entertaining for me and i just think very interesting from a artistic and psychological point of view really you don't often get to scoop someone's brain out of their skull and just look at it it's but that's what it felt like for good reason like you know we've done that together before neither of us had ever done that by ourselves that is a cruel and unusual thing to do to a person yeah it's a bad thing to do i feel bad but you did it and you've done it most importantly i know i know i'm on holiday now it's insane and it's not like i did this out of nowhere like you know we we set up a bit yeah yeah yeah yeah

we spoke about it yeah what time we've been um yeah there's no way that i should reopen and relitigate this right now i'm very proud of you you'll talk to a different person tomorrow i am i am i'm uh i'm incredibly proud of you and do you what's like because you're a bit limited because you've got covid in terms of i'm sure all you want to do is just go to a pub or something i'd love to just crack open a cold one but no i've got one really high spec zero alcohol beer here um it's still a sunny afternoon I'm probably going to water the garden probably do a meditation and then like honestly I couldn't tell you what I'm going to do

this evening honestly when you spend this long watching movies which are meant to be an escapist joy like it does feel like it removes consuming anything visually from your palette of options as something you can do to relax for at least you know the rest of the day so

i i honestly don't know where i'm at i felt like i got somewhere pretty aggressive at the end of that um i think a lot of fun you have to stay worth it you have to stay buoyant for a long time and then when you're on the home stretch, you can let it all hang out. Because if you, if you sort of like, if you are halfway through the first movie and you're feeling that anger, you've got nowhere to go.

You've got to like, you know, it's a psychological game. It's a numbers game. Yeah. And I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm not going back there.

Well, all I can say to you, guy, is have a look on your front step. There might be a melted liter of very nice ice cream and some Japanese that I wouldn't recommend eating anymore. You can chuck that in the bin if that's there. But a lot of people have been rooting for you big time. And some people have been walking the path with you. Not me, but I heard you doing it. But I've have been walking walking the path with you not me but i heard you

doing it but i like what i i've thought about it during the movie and it's something i hoped that happened is i hope i don't want anyone i'm not against people being there for the whole thing like it's sweet and it's nice and they might have enjoyed it but i want to know about the people who were there had other things to do like did them you did it you know you professionally you were invested you did it alongside me i was you're with me the whole time i don't know about someone who was there for like 10-15 minutes they're like i've got to go and you know meet this friend i've got to go to sports practice i've got to like i don't know whatever it is people do with their lives and then they come back that slightly disorienting experience where's like, they've been out in the world for four hours.

They come back. I'm still in the same place physically and mentally. That is an interesting journey to me. I'm proud of you, buddy. I appreciate it, Tim. And thanks for the support and for ordering me that food, even though I didn't eat it. This feels so fucked up.

Okay. All right, buddy. Okay, see you man bye bye bye bye It's the wildest idea It's the wildest idea of all time