The Worst Idea Of All Time - HOSTING 3: 02 You Have To Draw A Long Bow

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

The Empire State Building, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-style sleeping arrangements and a prank that might just endear Guy and Carlo to their American friends, only through a shared understanding, a shared goal can the ill fates of yesteryear be repaired. Only through community can the horrors of the past be forgotten. Guy and Carlo have seen and done some terrible things to each other but maybe, just maybe, they’re finally starting to see the world from the same side of the coin.Support us on Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/TWIOATCatch up on Hosting on its own stream here: (iTunes) (RSS) (Web Player) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music

Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music

Hello and welcome along to another episode of hosting here in New York City. Ah, the biggest city in the world. Is it? I mean, it could be. Close to. I've not seen a bigger city. And you've been to Europe a lot.

Oh, guy. If I had a tattoo for every time I went to Europe I'd be covered head to toe in ink depending on how big the tattoo if I had small tattoos could be just an arm an arm full of sleeve wow yeah

that's the fact about me yeah yeah and it's also sort of a study of you know size you know it's interesting to think that some tattoos are smaller than others it is actually it's a great thing to zoom in on well what a day we've had uh i suppose we should we you know we could start at the beginning we could work our way backwards but i'll tell you what we did see today and we saw a lot of it the empire state building, my gosh. What an incredible building, Guy.

I mean, it's a shame that the purpose it was built for, it did not function for, but still, what a thing. Yeah. A lot of people who were in that building did not seem as interested in that information as you were. No matter how many people I stopped to tell that fact, they were just not having a bar of it were they guy yeah well i think the thing is you were sort of telling some of the same people the same fact quite a lot and you know if they weren't interested in the first time it's it's pretty unlikely they're going to be interested in the

fourth or the fifth well yeah the tour guide especially was not having a bar of that fact were they i mean i think probably the sixth or seventh time that i said to the tour guide you know you know and i winked i said you know what happened up the top of this building long kind of wink there and they said yes it used to be a zeppelin platform i'd finish for them i'd jump right in at the end and say, yep, it didn't work, did it? And I'd give them another wink. And, yeah. I mean, the thing is, if you pay for the tour,

you can pay for it once, twice, thrice, four, five times a lady, you know. They can't do anything about it. That's it. We're on the tour. We're in the tour. I mean, I did find it to be quite a long day. I mean, I was excited to do it the first time, but to keep doing it, I do want to show you a good time

and I want to be a good host, but the day became long for me towards the end. Look, there's not a day that isn't long, really, in the scheme of things, and it's the long days that you look back on and cherish because you realize that time passed slowly. And for most of us, it's just a speeding bullet towards the infinity. But for this one day, we just got to slowly walk back and forth

in the quiet rooms and high towers of the Empire State Building. And I think we'll remember that. We certainly will. Well, I'm glad it's been crossed off the list. And, you know, it's something that I had sort of thought I might get around to doing, but it was nice to actually do. And now you've done it seven times, Guy. And isn't it interesting how the script barely changed for the tour guide?

It was almost the same tour every time. Yeah. The only real deviation he had were to your heckles. Well, because by the end of it, I knew quite a bit of that script off by heart, and so I could kind of interject myself into the script and kind of make it a bit more of an experience for everybody on the tour. Yeah, you two could have been a bloody double-act by the end of it. Yes.

But again, I did notice some of that trademark American hostility just creeping through what was a pretty good-natured relationship. Yeah, well, certainly, I mean, the other people on the tour were quite hard to take. I mean, not a lot of people on the tour, not as many as I would expect for a building that, you know, was designed as a Zeppelin harbour. Well, I mean, and I would say that's probably not even the main part

of the appeal or the charm of the Empire State Building. Why else would you go? That's what I think. Well, I think you get incredible views of the city. You can look north, south, east, west. You can sort of really see New York unravel itself in front of you. But what could be more exciting than just the thought of migrants coming in their tens on a zeppelin, the pinnacle of mankind's inventive spirit,

plunting along there over the Atlantic Ocean, barely, barely above the ocean surface, so heavy and dense the gas was that it could really barely get the lift that it needed to be so grandiose as to be high in the sky like the mighty airplane of now just punting in there across new york over the brooklyn river and just shunting in and docking at the top of a a grandiose art deco tower you know i mean that would have been incredible if it were ever able to happen at the top of a grandiose Art Deco tower. I mean, that would have been incredible if it were ever able to happen. But as you and I both know, that wind was too strong.

So they just had to shunt them out to a park in Manhattan. Different age, wasn't it, Guy? Certainly was. different age wasn't it guy certainly was um i suppose you know what might be fun to to recount uh uh five five favorite facts about the empire state building uh let's take them one at a time we'll do them collectively so my favorite fact and i, Guy, from your wry grin, that we won't be doing facts about the Zeppelin landing platforms. We've covered that, haven't we? Somewhat, yeah.

Okay. One, the secretary in the front desk of the Empire State Building, his name is Frank. Oh, that is a lovely little fact. My second favourite fact is that Frank can get pretty annoyed pretty quickly if you go around the back and start mucking around with the files. Third fact, filing cabinets aren't locked at the Empire State Building. Just wide open.

That's right. And the fourth favorite fact that if you are wearing a blazer or a jacket that has a name tag that says Frank on it, you pretty much have open access to not just the unlocked filing cabinets, but also many of the filing cabinets that are locked. And there's a lot of classified information in those cabinets. Absolutely. And I think my final favorite fact is that Frank, surprisingly easy to overpower.

Not very strong. Not very strong for a man whose jacket and name tag hold the keys, potentially, to an entire building. Yeah, and all the secrets contained and locked away therein. Hmm. Fun guy. Well, I think we're fun guys. I think Frank has ways to go. Yeah, we certainly brought the fun to the Empire State Building today.

I think, you know, in the scheme of of history we'll remember this day but so too will the empire state building and frank in particular when he wakes up you know i don't know because i suppose you know he's always sort of secreting away his uh his life outside of these four walls from me but um that mark actually works in the Empire State Building. That is... No one was as surprised as me, Guy. I mean, that is a wild little tidbit of information. And that it didn't make our top five fun facts,

that just goes to show you how blown away we were by it. Yeah, it sort of needs its whole uh subset of uh you know consideration and he wasn't as happy to see you as i imagined he would be guy well i think you know i i understand sometimes you don't think you're going to see someone and when you see them you you know you you get caught off guard and your your the emotions you display betray how you actually feel and he does not like you does he well that's how it looked but i'm sitting here wondering whether or not that in fact is a cover-up for for how he truly feels which was excited to see me interesting guy interesting that's a quite a quite profound psychological assessment of mark you've clearly got to know him quite well i feel like we're

growing closer and closer and i i think next time he decides to fix himself an icy cold drink of any description uh we might grow closer still now uh no one has noticed anything of interest having gone missing or being displaced so far ring gate is in uh full swing that's right and uh of course we uh sharing the house currently with uh not just mark and fiona but their uh beautiful parents so it is a pretty full house and um to be honest i can i can see why they that you know they might have wanted their space but we have not granted them that luxury, and they're all out for dinner right now, so we've got the run of the house.

Yes, and the run of all their things. Yeah, I mean, you know, four guests, four suitcases, and they are packed to the brim with interesting sort of tidbits and what seem to be some pretty valuable sort of family heirlooms. Now, Guy, this is going to sound crazy, but I had an idea of another classic caper that we could do with all the bags here in the lounge room. And what I thought is we could take all the things out of each bag

and put it into another bag. So everybody has the wrong stuff in each of the bags, but we also take some of these precious items out of the bags and we wrap them in a bag of our own and we throw that into the Brooklyn River. Well, Carlo, you really know how to tickle my funny bone because that sounds like a fun night yeah i mean just imagine the looks on their face they're going oh i thought that this was but it also huh yeah you know yeah

when they wake up tomorrow morning and they'll go to get dressed in their regular clothes and then all of a sudden you know you, you could have Michael wearing Terry's underpants. Yes. Or Murtagh wearing June's hat. And to think at the bottom of the Brooklyn River or the Hudson will lie all of their valuable and precious heirlooms that they have, I suppose, brought along to celebrate. I mean, it seems to me that everyone's in on this engagement

except for Fiona herself. Yeah, well, I think it would be good if we could somehow get Fiona. We need to make that, because I worry that because we're here and they're all at dinner, the suspicion will be immediately thrown onto us. So I think we need to make it so that it seems like the prank has been committed by Fiona herself. Because then she'll get the laughs as well.

Fiona's been swapping around the clothes. Oh, Fiona's been a goof here. Okay. Well, how can we do that? I just... This is, I think, the cherry on top of an already deliciously sweet cake, Guy. I think we should lift some of Fiona's fingerprints. I'm listening.

Put those items into the house and put them onto the bags and scour them of our own fingerprints. So we'd put on gloves and... Gloves and kind of a... Probably a whole body suit. Just to ensure that no DNA makes its way onto the... Exactly. Because we don't want it to be too clean

because then they'll know that something's up. But what we do want them to get is amongst the fingerprints of Murtagh and June and... Terry and... And Terry and... Michael. Michael. We want them to find Fiona's fingerprints clear, distinct, and undeniably hers.

Well, it's going to be a lot of work, but I think to see the look on their faces... It's going to be worth it just to see the prank come together. And, you know, because I suppose the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and the tree often looks a lot like the apple. I mean, you know, the treatment with which we – you try to welcome people into your house, and you try to say, hey, I'm so excited to meet you. I've heard so much about you.

You want to be a good host. You want to be a good host. But, you know, I feel like something like this might really help loosen them up and endear ourselves towards them because they were pretty curt on their entry and exits. They weren't. No, they weren't. To say spiteful is I know a very strong word,

but that is certainly the vibe that I got from the family towards particularly you. I seem to have been spared part of it because I feel like they've put a lot of this blame squarely on you, which I think is unfair, Guy. I think it's unfair. Yes, they had this plan for months. And yes, despite that, you invited me to stay here and very generously gave me the spare bedroom. And yes, that does mean that Murtagh and June and Terry and Michael are all sleeping in the lounge room.

It's a bit like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It is. It is. It is like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And that's a fun book. Yeah. And an even better film, you know. So, yeah, I could see that they weren't happy with you.

And that's just, it's rude. It's poor form as the guest. Well, you know, I think if we do a little, some know and dare ourselves to them, a little light dusting of fingerprints. And I've just had a thought, Guy, because I think that June and Murtaugh being Mark's parents, I think that now Fiona is maybe copping a bit of their wrath

from this whole situation. So I thought maybe we just swap their bags around and spare Terry's and Michael's and leave Terry and Michael's valuables too. So it's just Mark's parents, June and Murtagh, whose bags have been tampered with by, they think, Fiona, because I think that'll bring them all closer together. And we can choose to say we were part of this too

or for any unforeseen reason, this creates hostility. We can just take a step back and just enjoy it for the prank it is. Well, you know, I think that's a pretty good idea. Usually, I'd be all for mucking around with more stuff and trying to create a bigger prank but i think really zeroing in and focusing on making sure we get this small component part of the prank just right that's the thing to do yeah it will look not all families get along but all families can be taught to laugh. That's what I like to think.

And this is just, I know I'll be laughing. And I know I'll be laughing. And we can only imagine that, you know, Murtagh and June will be, they'll be having a right old chuckle. Oh, God, they will. Because I'll be thinking, God, what happened to all my stuff? And, oh, God, we'll get our peepers right on that. That sounds great.

Well, what if we can't be there when they unpack the bags? How are we going to see it? That's a good question, Guy. Because it is important that we see it, but I worry that us being there will lead them to our sin. I suppose we could rig up some cameras, hidden in different corners of the room. Yes. Yes. Yes. cameras you know hidden in different corners of the room yes yes yes and this is actually

probably a perfect opportunity to really ingratiate mark with terry and michael fiona's parents if we were to say get mark's fingerprints on the cameras, but in such a way we should make the cameras look like they've been there for a long time. That is funny. Yes, yes. And possibly in parts of the house where maybe they're kind of Fiona's spaces. Yeah, areas that are usually quite private,

places that you wouldn't ordinarily like to be caught on film. I'm thinking a couple pointing directly at the toilet. Yeah. I'm thinking maybe one in an empty shampoo bottle in the shower. Yes, yes. In the spare bedroom where Fiona keeps her office and pointed directly at the office. And one kind of top down onto the office.

So it could look directly at anything she was writing, typing, like that. So just really kind of that kind of vibe. Wow. We kind of make that seem like Mark. I mean, it sounds like we've got our work cut out for us. I mean, they've been gone for an hour and a half already, so I suppose they'll be back in another... I mean, it seemed like they were going to stay out of their house

for as long as they could if we were here. Well, that might be just the ticket we need, Guy, to get this all into play. Because I've just thought of a fun addition to this prank that we're going to pull on Mark and ingratiate him better with his in-laws is if we take Mark's email and use that to register a website

which has all of this footage live streamed to it and register that in his name, I think that'll be a really funny really funny gag for it would help terry michael grounded in reality a little bit more exactly because otherwise it just seems sort of a bit a throwaway you have to draw a long bow don't you yeah oh these he must have put these cameras here yeah to turn a profit. Yes. Well, I mean, that's really exciting. And in amongst all of this, let's not forget we have the beautiful New York City just to adventure and explore in all day tomorrow.

Are there anything in particular you'd like to do by day? I mean, this might surprise you actually, Guy, but I wouldn't mind checking out maybe the Empire State Building. Okay. Yeah. I want to be a good host. You want to go again? Well, look, maybe we don't have to go into it,

but maybe just walk around and start taking in from different views, you know, because you don't want to just visit a city. You know, you want to live in a city. You want to become part of it, start taking it in from different views, you know, because you don't want to just visit a city. You want to live in a city. You want to become part of it, and it would be great to really get a sense of that building from all angles and different places and different times of the day. Well, if we're going to do that, it could be fun to sort of, not super obviously, but maybe just follow mark out of the

house in the morning and onto the train and onto his carriage and uh when he's a carriage that's an american word well it's sort of used in a lot of different countries it's uh you know trains are comprised of say maybe seven to eight oh yes the way that we would use it yeah in australian english but uh if we sort of just maybe in some way just as a smaller prank inside of the bigger prank if we give him a fright or a surprise yes it's pretty cold you know we could pack some balaclavas, and when he's getting off, we could come out. So there's two sets of doors on every carriage, and he'll be going out one set of doors,

and we'll run around from the other set of doors, and when he comes out, we'll have the balaclavas on, and we'll say something like, give me all your money. Yeah, yeah. And then after he's given his money, we'll douse him in water. Just throw a bucket of water over him, cold water. Freezing, icy cold water. Freezing, icy cold water, icy cold water yeah that's great

really just wake them up we wouldn't want to do that at the train station because it's sort of a public space that's true so maybe if we follow them out of the train station and to a slightly more isolated or less crowded corner i mean manhattan's a pretty busy place but i'm sure we could find somewhere uh where it would be harder for other people to see. And I'm worried about that. I think you've got the right idea of where to do it. I worry that us saying, give us all your money, the accents will give it away. So I wonder if rather that we should not speak,

kind of come up behind him, douse him in the cold water, and then maybe, I guess, just... Is roughhouse the right word? Yeah. they really kind of give it into it yeah yeah but quietly quietly yeah and maybe we don't ask for money at all maybe it's just totally random he has no idea what the motive would be why it's happening and then we run away and we can look at the empire state Building from the outside. You know what? Yes. Yep. I love it, Guy.

This is, see, when we work together, Guy, we have such a better time, don't we? You know? Well, we're full of ideas and we love to laugh. Yeah. And if the American people aren't going to bring happiness and smiles and warmth towards us. We'll bring it to them. That's right. Oh, my God.

We'll bring it to them. That's right. Oh, my God. Well, I suppose we'd better get down to the local bodega or corner store and buy ourselves some gloves. Yeah. Let's go, guys. Let's get it done. Thank you.