The Worst Idea Of All Time - ICYMI: And Just Like That

Episode Date: April 1, 2021

In February of 2021, Guy and Tim penned a pilot for the newly announced season 7 of Sex and The City for an online, live streamed table read. Fetauring the voice talents of our talented comedy friends Rhys Matthewson, Alice Snedden and Madeleine Sami.You can watch the video of the live stream here.Support Littlefield NYCTWIOAT Live show in Auckland: qtheatre.co.nz/shows/worst-idea-all-time-best-host-all-timeGuy's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/guy-montgomery/Tim's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/classy-warfare/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Kia ora! Welcome along to the Worst Idea of All Time live streaming event. What is this called again? And Just Like That, which is the name of the exciting new HBO Max Sex and the City Reimagined Reboot. It's all of the gals you love minus Samantha. And we're very excited to present this to you in conjunction with Littlefield in Brooklyn, a fantastic venue. You can support their GoFundMe. I understand that America is in the grips of some sort of global pandemic.

So live performance spaces are in peril. So please support any venues you can as much as you can. And by buying a ticket, you've actually done that very thing. So thank you. Yes, you have. Just walk up to a theater and just throw cash at them. I love that.

Yeah. And general direction. Also on that a small uh production note uh we had a person and the person was going to lead the q a oh and i advertised this quite prominently and repetitively good on you man as being a big selling point for why you should come and join us today, because we had a big special guest. So upsettingly, in addition to the global pandemic, which is rocking America, there is also a natural weather phenomenon. And we hope everyone is safe and warm and looking after yourselves and one another. Sadly, our guest who lives near the middle of America

is incapacitated because of this. We don't want to say who it was, but we're sending them our best wishes. And, you know, let's just say that they have been prominently linked to accusations of being the Zodiac killer. Whether you're in Texas or Cancun, we're just pulling for you and your family.

Prayers up for the great Ted Cruz, everybody. Oh, you mentioned it. We were going to say. I felt like, you know, wherever you are, we hope you're looking after yourself. All right. Well, folks, look, we have for you today a real special treat because we have completely, yet again,

overwritten a fan event based on the Sex and the City universe. That's right. When Littlefield approached us with this opportunity in January, we said yes. And we thought of the idea pretty soon afterwards and then a week before we had to perform it we thought to write the idea which brings us to now the present day i think honesty is the best policy don't you 100 so we've been slaving over a hot laptop getting this thing all nice and juicy for you and i am actually really excited to bring this to you i'm also very excited to introduce our guests who will be performing the table read um who i will reveal now everybody please a warm round of applause for your guest

readers alice sneddon reese matthewson and madeline sami incredible. We're all together in the same room. Even though the shots look like we're in different places, we are, look at that. We are all one. We're at right angles. Alice, if you could move slightly, lean slightly forward. I was about to say, lean slightly forward. Actually, don't worry, but it's not your hero shot.

Just to prove that we're all in the room together. Am I on any of these cameras? Because looking at them, none of them are pointing at me. Your voice is broadcasting. Is that not enough for you? So these are our three readers. You'll notice that there are more characters than three. So everyone will be playing multiple roles.

You notice that Tim and I are sharing a mic. What do you call it, Tim? You call it John and Pauling a mic. That's right. Because not unlike two of the foremost songwriters of our times, we are two of the foremost writers of our times. We're very gifted. I don't think I ever would have shared a mic. We've got to start

this script. It's too long. So we've got to get into it. Thank you very much for tuning in. If you want to tell your friends as well afterwards, we're going to make this available for purchase and part of those sales will help Littlefield as well. So it's all a good groovy time so should we um guest panelists are you feeling all right yeah yeah feeling really good i had no idea this was for charity so that changes

my vibe slightly uh the venue and both tim and i consider ourselves to be a charity at this point this is a fundraiser so we can buy one more microphone um but quickly how are you guys feeling because you you all came in about 20 minutes ago and this is a lot uh there's a lot of dialogue and a lot of there's a lot of ink on these pages and i've not gotten to fully um highlight everything so we're winging it but yeah we're excited we're hyped i'm nervous yeah yeah absolutely supportive experience i just want to know are we all going to try accents or what's happening i'm gonna do um kind of a hybrid which is

which is me doing my absolute best and achieving nothing fantastic life in many ways is a hybrid isn't it yeah i i am confident that at one point there will be an italian accent there are no italian um cool so i'm going to assume that the sound and video is working perfectly and if uh the the gorgeous gabe and or caitlin could let me know if that is the case from Littlefield, that'd be super. Without further ado, let us begin. Scene one, morning. The sun rises over the terrifying remains of New York City in 2021. The skyline is a patchwork of flying cars, blinking neon signs, and multi-story vertical shanty towns. Piercing through the decay are monoliths of glass and steel housing the elites who live above the noise it is a scene so visually specific it threatens to breach the copyright of

ridley scott's blade runner not the new one the good one an aerial shot makes its way to street level we see a billboard over time square advertising elon's musk a weekly cologne collection series every empty bottle is a building block to help the customer assemble their own SpaceX rocket and join Musk on Mars. We see the back of a woman holding a microphone. She is with a camera operator. The duo carefully step over the masses of street people and rats. Some appear to be a combination of the two.

A red-headed man in a yellow top hat and trench coat glides past her. He is atop a rolling wave of hundreds of rats. The woman holding the microphone is Charlotte Goldenblatt York. If this documentary is going to work, we need to see tears running down people's faces. People need to understand this is about sadness, and tears are a picture of sadness, and a picture paints a thousand words. Every shot should paint 10,000 words. The camera op and indifferent 30-year-old man in a puffer jacket pipes up. Tell me again why we're making a movie about grief.

It's depressing. You know what people love? Sandwiches. You should make a movie about sandwiches. Camera operator, if you suggest we make a movie about sandwiches one more time, I'll petition the mayor of New York City to ban bread. Capisce?

Whatever you say, Mrs. Goldenblatt. If things are going to go back to how they were, I need to get Carrie and Miranda's attention and I need to get their attention and to get their attention, I need to be impressed by me. A moving documentary. A moving documentary about cream with a glitzy opening ceremony

is a perfect way to tell my friends I miss them. So stop flapping your gums about sandwiches and go find me some real crying, grieving New Yorkers. Say, Mrs. Goldenblatt, and I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here, but if you want to talk about grief, didn't a friend of yours die

recently? I read about it somewhere. Name was something like Alexandra? Cassandra? I have no idea what you're talking about. It was on Reddit. There was a photo of her with three friends, and one of them looked exactly like you. I think I'd remember if my friend died.

Boy, it was a pretty crazy story. She fell in love with a US military robot who was accidentally sent to some combination of Danish architect and fuck machine. Anyway, they were mucking around with the settings one night and he wound up thrusting with too much force and they couldn't turn him off. Blew her pelvis right through her neck.

Sounded like a hell of a lady. She banged a friend of mine once and she made him cum so hard he couldn't produce semen for two years after. That's disgusting. Apparently she's a ghost now and if you have sex in one of the rooms she had sex in while she was alive, she comes and makes your dick go

limp and then later that night when you're sleeping she comes and gives you the spookiest wet dream of your life. I'm finished with this conversation. Cut to the interior of a corridor. Also Rhys, I'm so glad you made one Cut to the interior of a corridor. Also, Rhys, I'm so glad you made one of the characters Italian so quickly. A blonde woman of five foot three and indiscernible age walks a skybridge,

connecting one of New York's glistening sky towers to another. The sound of her stilettos click consistently like a mechanical keyboard some fuckwit brought into a WeWork. Remember WeWork? We hear Carrie Bradshaw in voiceover. Some people say New York City has changed. keyboard some fuckwit brought into a we work remember we work we hear carrie bradshaw and voiceover some people say in new york city has changed and maybe they're right when i moved in in the 80s it was all about hairspray and bell bottoms these days fashion weeks filled with the latest wearable air purifiers and personal tasers and then there's the rats i mean we've all we've

always had rats but lately you see them more and more. But you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, thank your lucky stars that you're married to a preternaturally gifted financier who can't read. Carrie walks into her penthouse apartment on the 600th level of Zuckerberg Tower. The doors open to an opulent, diamond and gold encrusted living space that gives the occupant a feeling of living inside little Wayne's mouth. Carrie's husband, Mr. Big, is shouting into a Bluetooth headset. No, my idea was a hot air balloon casino!

You came up with the submarine strip club. I've got it in my book right here, and I've drawn extensive plans in crayon, clear as day. Now get out of my office! Oh, sweetie, did you forget how out of my office. Oh, sweetie. Did you forget how the phones work again? Oh, darn it. As Big slams his book shut in frustration, we see plans scrawled for something called a sex luncheon.

Oh, a letter came today. Could you look at it? I couldn't quite make out what it said or who it was addressed to. I can't read. Well, it's addressed to me, and it's been sent from the office of Rudy Giuliani. I wonder if...

She hastily cuts open the envelope with one of several platinum letter openers strewn throughout the apartment. It's her! It's from Miranda! Carrie, I know we haven't seen each other since the end credits of Sex and the City, the movie, the movie 2, but I'm in trouble. My law firm just got bought out by Rudy Giuliani, and he's making me do things that are filthier than Samantha at spring break. I can't say any more right now, but I'd love for us to meet up.

Call me. What did she say? I literally just read the letter Oh Big continues playing Candy Crush on his phone Hey, what say you and I stay in tonight and Enjoy Each other's

Company Carrie immediately bursts into a fit of rage And rips a flat screen TV off the wall to throw at her husband I meant sex, Carrie I meant we should have sex tonight. Oh, I thought you meant, like, watch TV. She puts the flat screen back on the wall. Big and Carrie go to the bedroom

and fuck exclusively in the missionary position while both are wearing their socks for three and a half minutes. Neither of them finish. Wow, that was the hottest fuck anyone's ever had. Without a doubt. Big produces a tiny cup of coffee, seemingly from nowhere, fuck anyone's ever had. Without a doubt. Big produces a tiny cup of coffee, seemingly from nowhere, and stirs in sugar.

Scene three. The next morning, I stuck out of bed to make my way across town. While on an ordinary morning, I'd grab a piggyback from an NYU graduate. This wasn't any ordinary morning. This was a book launch and a book reading morning. And on book launch and book reading mornings, I walk along the ground floor of New York City is exactly what the senses need. I didn't wake big because reading with him

in the back of the room makes me nervous and him angry. And while my new book, Manhattan 2, Manhattan 2, Businessmen Now and Then, my bedroom, the fuck pen, was written for him, I didn't know how to actually talk to him about it. It was my magnum opus, a doctrine on how I felt about men, how I feel about men now and how I might feel about men in the future. It was also an open letter to Big asking for an open relationship.

Cut to a warm, fully attended bookstore. Carrie's wearing glasses and reading from her own book to an enthralled audience of white women that secretly voted Republican in the last election. And of course, Mr. Big has shown no signs of slowing down nor shrinking. I still can't help but wonder what all the other Mr. Men I'm missing out on. Mr. Gristiti's delivery boy with the power to deliver takeout and take me out of my midtown malaise. Or the anti-vaxxing barista at my local coffee shop who doesn't believe in COVID-19 but does believe he can't come until I've come twice.

With all of these men on the island of Manhattan, does married life really mean I can no longer have plenty of men in me? Carrie lowers the book. And that's a little something I've been working on. The audience breaks into applause. Carrie beams with pride. No one needs to know she wrote this entire book in the days leading up to its launch.

As she scans the crowd of acolytes, she sees Big standing in the back of the room with a stern look on his face. Thanks for coming, everyone. I'll be signing books in five minutes, but first I need to talk to the man of the hour. Carrie picks her way through the crowd to find Big. Carrie, what the fuck was that?

A reading, sweetie. It's where I read words that I wrote. Carrie, don't be cute. I mean, what were you saying? The stuff about other people? Wanting more men inside you? It's just a book, okay? We can talk about it later.

I've got a sign. We can talk about it now. It's not about anything I've done. It's about the things I want to do. And this is how I find out in a book? You couldn't just tell me? I wanted it to be special. Anyone can just ask for an open relationship at home but it takes something or someone pretty incredible to ask for it in writing

carrie is proud of herself she does not realize she is being a psychopath i've got to go sign these books now okay i'll see you at home car Carrie gives Big a condescending kiss on the chin. Oh, let me say that again. Camera wasn't on you. Lovely. Big softens and French kisses her entire nose, which we will not see. A display of affection that is stomach-churning and alien.

Cut to interior plush law officers. A skeletal figure with... Skeletal or skeletal? Skelet teeth and wearing large spectacles, is flanked by ten men in pinstripe business suits. Despite his discrepant physique, the elderly man is talking with vim and vigor. It is America's mayor, Rudy Giuliani. Miranda enters the room wearing a huge sandwich board that says fuck you on both sides she takes off the sandwich board mr giuliani this is demoralizing immoral and ridiculous how does wearing the sandwich board even advertise our firm you got

a better idea Here we go. It's happening. It's fucking happening. Was that the accent or the line that got you? Because I fucking love that line. Guy wrote that one. That was so good. I'm going full American on this. Can you give it to us again?

So you sort of reset the room. Yeah, sure. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Do you want to lead me in? How does me wearing this sandwich board even advertise our firm? You got a better idea? Yes.

I've got a million better ideas and none of them involve sandwich boards. Miranda, I don't know how you used to do things but this is my firm now and if you want to work here, you've got two jobs. From 9 a.m. to 1 p.m., you wear the sandwich board

and you tell people on the street to go fuck themselves. From 1 p.m. to 5 p.m., you wear the sandwich board and you tell people on the street to go fuck themselves. From 1 p.m. to 5 p.m., you work the phones, telling anyone who calls to go fuck themselves. And if you don't like it, I can show you where the door is. Because it's right there, next to the sign that says, Rudy Giuliani, attorney at law. Go fuck yourself. Oh, I know where the door is. Before you came along, this was the best public defender's office in the city.

We had a purpose and a voice defending those who society couldn't or wouldn't look after. While Miranda is talking, a smiling Rudy clicks his fingers and one of his suited henchmen empties a tremendous bag of white powder onto the marble desk in front of him. Rudy removes a small

metal straw from his breast pocket and starts hoovering up a mountain of cocaine like he's Nunu, the sentient vacuum cleaner from Teletubbies. His loud snorting slows Miranda's speech. Now, our sole purpose seems to be telling

our clients and anyone we come across to go fuck themselves. How exactly is this good for business? It isn't. I brought this firm to close it. No one is tougher on crime than Rudy Giuliani, and a city with no public defenders is a city with no criminals. That doesn't make any sense. Rudy Giuliani is smacking his lips and flaring his nostrils.

Makes perfect sense, doesn't it, boys? The army of pinstripe henchmen race to respond in the affirmative. Absolutely, Mr. Giuliani. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. For sure. Fuck themselves. Miranda's voice is gruff and deepening now. She's starting to sound a bit like a certain detective portrayed by Christian Bale. Absolutely, Mr. Giuliani. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Fuck themselves. Miranda's voice is gruff and deepening now. She's starting to sound a bit like a certain detective portrayed by Christian Bale. You're making a big mistake.

If you can't see the criminals in this city, then there's a pretty high chance the criminal is you. I quit. What? I said, go fuck yourself. Miranda walks into a nearby elevator where a well-dressed older gentleman is inside. She presses the button for the ground floor.

Hard day at the office, missus? Actually, yes. Well, my name's Alfred, and I'm pleased to meet your acquaintance. Oh, nice to meet you, Alfred. I'm Miranda. Oh, I know exactly who you are, Ms. Obbs. How about a spot of shopping to lift ye spirits? Alfred presses numbers on the lift in a particular sequence, and the console shows it is now headed for a level labelled Cave.

I'm sorry, who are you exactly, Alfred? And how do you know who I am? I know a lot of things about you, Miss Obbs. I know you're committed to justice. I know you're a fighter. And I know you're looking for a way to fix this city. I also happen to know that I can help you make that happen. The lift doors open and the pair step into near darkness.

Activate guest mode. A computerized voice echoes around them. Welcome home, Mr. Pennyworth. Fluorescent lights start to flicker on, revealing first the closest parts of the subterranean level, and then extending away from Miranda and Alfred, it becomes apparent that the area is absolutely huge and littered with military vehicles,

futuristic-looking weapons and other technology. Mrs. Obbs, I have spent my life protecting that which matters most because of a certain promise I made to a humble billionaire who enjoyed live theatre many years ago. I owe a great deal to this city and now it falls on me to make sure you can protect it. Please, follow me. who enjoyed live theatre many years ago. I owe a great deal to this city, and now it falls on me to make sure you can protect it. Please, follow me.

They make their way to a glass case with a dark, human-looking figure inside. This suit is constructed of a lightweight Kevlar composite and features an array of non-lethal armaments. It protects the occupant against every toxic, ballistic or threatening projectile you could imagine. I've made certain modifications to ensure it's the perfect fit for your body. Are those bat ears at the top? Multi-band antennas, Ms. Obbs.

For an encrypted communication channel. Back to me. Why is it fitted for me? What exactly do you think I'm going to do? Ms. Obbs, your city needs you. I'll explain everything. But let's have a cup of tea. We need to talk about your son.

Interior, carrying big 600th story apartment bathroom. We see Big in the shower, but sadly, not as presumably Big Juicy Hog. He's attempting to read a shampoo bottle for directions and continues to move the bottle with text facing him left to right in front of his eyes. It's no use. He's still illiterate. Hey, Carrie, how do I use the sham... Big Sentence stops short as he gasps for air and crumbles to the wet floor of the shower

in such a way that we're still unable to see his hog. Honey, are you okay? She enters the bathroom and sees Big in a heap. Oh my God! It's okay, it's just another heart attack. Go get the pen. Dutifully, Carrie fetches one of several nearby adrenaline pens the couple bought to extend their lives

because they couldn't be bothered eating better or exercising. She stabs it into her husband's chest. He recovers. Ah, there we go. Much better. Oh jeez, you scared me there for a second. Mr. Stay here, I'll just get another tiny cup of coffee. Carrie leaves to fetch one of the finest cups of java on the planet, courtesy of a solid golden espresso

machine in the couple's kitchen. We cut back to Mr. Big, who's recovered enough to stand, yet not enough for us to see his penis. He steps out of the shower. His feet are still wet. Okay, now to step out of the shower. First, the right leg. And now now lefty

Big slips on the wet floor And tumbles backward His head smacks the tiled floor And he's killed as instantly as the Nespresso Produces a delicious cup of Joe That he will never drink Carrie, hearing the thud, rushes in and screams Ah!

Cut to Interior Great scream Interior, church That was really good Interior, church Carrie stands alone at a coffin in an empty church No one has come to Mr. Big's funeral It makes sense as we have literally never met

any of his friends or family Carrie reaches out and lays her hand softly on the coffin Be careful what you wish for I I guess, huh, sweetie? Oh, my God. She smiles through the tears. I don't know where everyone is. Maybe I wrote down the wrong time.

Apart from dinner reservations, I was never much for organizing things. That was always more of a Samantha job. The camera pans slightly from Carrie Bradshaw to a corner of the church behind her where we see the ghost of Samantha Jones! She's translucent, with all your classic ghosty, wispy bottom bits. You know the type. Too fucking

right. She couldn't organize herself a bag of heroin at Robert Downey Jr.'s 21st. Now you're gonna have to go back and forth with yourself. First her, now you? Why do bad things keep happening to me back and forth with yourself. First turn, are you? Why do bad things keep happening to me? The church door opens. Miranda bursts through finishing up a phone call.

I'm coming to your office later, and if you leave your office, I'll come to wherever you are. Love you, too. She's on the phone to Steve. She loves him. They're in love still. It's sweet. I thought they were phone calling.

No, no. Miranda hangs up her phone, looks at Carrie. Her face breaks into a broad, empathetic smile. Carrie finally has someone to cry to. The women look overwhelmed and relieved to be with one another. Miranda! Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes. I came as fast as I could.

Carrie, I'm so sorry. We might not have always seen eye to eye, but he was a good man. I can't imagine what you're going through. How are you? Shocked. Devastated. Lonely. Isolated. Aggrieved. Angry. Miserable. Vexed. Resentful. If I had to just pick 25 words, it'd be... Miranda cuts her off, pulling Carrie in closely for a tight hug. Anything you need. I'm here for you. You're a doll. I was beginning to wonder if anyone would show up.

Samantha from the corner of the room bellows. Hello. Who's pussy have you got to pass through to get noticed around here? Miranda and Carrie continue their hug. Alice is not a fan of that. No, no, I know. Quite the opposite. Yeah, I love the idea of ghostly entities passing through pussies too.

Miranda and Kerry continue their hug. The magnitude of Kerry's loss is hitting her in waves now. Her tears become sobs. In this moment of pure guttural emotion, the doors burst open once more. A man tumbles over himself, Willy Wonka style. He clutches and protects his camera as he sprawls across the church floor. Sorry, sorry. Must be the wrong room. I was looking

for the funeral. Charlotte runs in behind him. I said go up to the room, not into the room, you big dummy. We're so sorry. Please don't mind us. We just... Charlotte looks up to realise she's face to face with her two oldest friends. Two women she hasn't seen in over ten years. Oh my god!

Carrie! Miranda! Miranda and Carrie are equally surprised. Charlotte! Samantha! Samantha! Beautiful! God, it takes Samantha really to kill that. The writing was alright too. Man, someone's already suggested an Oscar

nom for you based on the performance okay so samantha says samantha oh hey you're the other broads who were friends with that lady who's a ghost now and rumored to only be visible when you have sex in a place where she had sex but otherwise is rendered undetectable like for example she may be in this very church but we'd never know someone should give this guy a medal cut Cut to exterior, bustling and terrifying Manhattan. Rubbish flies around the place and rats and pigeons take business meetings on street corners. As the camera pans up,

we see lavish cafes on the corners of gilded airwalks, far above the noise and rabble. Carrie and VO. This ends for voiceover. Yeah. Oh, shit, where are we? Yeah, you're there. Oh, good. Oh, cool, sorry.

Carrie and Vio. The three of us together again for the first time in I don't know how long. Somehow it felt like fate. After an understated yet chic service, Miranda, Charlotte, and I walked five blocks to the Chanel Chaffee House, the latest in a wide range of sophisticated foodstuffs and beverage lines from Chanel to catch up over cappuccinos.

Cut to interior of the Chanel Choffee House, a concept I invented that I also love. A grotesquely extravagant cafe. The tabletops are adorned with gemstones and the cups resemble medieval goblets. The three women are ushered to their table

by a waitress who is making a pantomime performance of avoiding eye contact with them. In the background of the cafe, we see a man in a business suit explode through the front door. He is moving with an urgency that suggests one word of welcome, one split second of distraction

will cause his innards to collapse out of his anus and through his pantsuit, his suit pants. He sprints through the background of a frame. So, if you didn't know it was Big's funeral, what were you doing there? Well, since we lost Amanda, I applied for emancipation from Lily and Rose.

Charlotte, you can't emancipate from your children. That's called abandonment. I know that now, silly. So that it didn't work out, but to retaliate, the girls have since successfully emancipated from me. And without them in the house, I've had time to take up hobbies, like filmmaking.

You're making a film about funerals? Well, not exactly about funerals, but about grief. There's so much sadness in the world, and no one is filming it. So I thought, why don't I film people being sad? Well, why don't you point that lens at me for a bit, Charlotte? I've lost my best friend and husband all in the same decade. Samantha was your best friend? That's a great idea, Carrie. You could be the centerpiece of the film. You know me, Charlotte, I hate making things about myself, but I am definitely the most interesting and beautiful person you can see experiencing grief on a big screen.

Now let's talk executive producer credits. In the background of Frame, the same man in a suit emerges from the restroom. I hadn't read this yet. He moves with the lightness of someone who has just found a solution to every problem in the world. He saunters around the cafe visiting tables,

crooning to himself between taking sips from everyone's choppy. Got the world on a string. People are stunned. They don't know how to respond. In a matter of moments he has stolen sips from 15, 20 cups of coffee. Sitting on a rainbow. He approaches the gals. Got that

string around my finger. He picks up their goblets of caffeine and with style and grace pours all three cups of steaming hot java clean into his mouth. Thank you, ladies. Now, if you excuse me, I've got a train to catch. He makes to

leave, carries enamored by this mysterious gentleman. Excuse me, sir, sir, where are you going? What are you up to? I'm gonna change the world, honey. The man turns on his heels and sprints through a window pane of sheer glass. He begins to fall hundreds of stories toward the ground. He continues crooning.

What a world! Cut to interior of the mayor's office. The room is filled to the brim with dusty books. The New York City mayor is wearing painter's overalls and drinking a beer, sitting back on his chair with his feet on his desk. Listen, I know we didn't do everything right. I probably spent too much time going door to door selling dictionaries, and your mother was at the office a lot, but you've got to understand,

we did the best we could. Oh, a slender figure in a trench coat is seated in the office opposite mia steve a powerful stench of semen and rat hair has filled the room the semen was not necessary sorry this is bright this is me brady right yeah not good enough pops we've been ignored for too long by the backbone of this city. When a pizza slice gets dropped on the subway, who do you think cleans that up? When the cats get too fat, who makes them run around? When we've got to test the vaccine before human trials, who do you turn to? And what do you get for our troubles? Attempts at extermination? Well, not anymore. This is our city.

Always has been. Son, you're not a rat. No, I'm a king. And that's why I've laid claim to my queen. Brady pushes a VHS into Mayor Steve's VHS player. Mayor Steve is a massive VHS guy. A video starts playing. The video of an older woman in a crown. She is bound and gagged in a poorly lit subterranean room. Between fearful breaths, she is singing show tunes.

Mayor Steve's face drops. He recognizes this voice. Brady, what have you done with Liza Minnelli? Married her. Where is she? You can't go around kidnapping and marrying people. I just did. You especially can't kidnap and marry Liza Minnelli.

She's the beaten heart of this city. What makes the town sing? If Broadway finds out she's missing, the shows will stop. And if the shows stop, the tourists will stop coming. And if the tourists stop coming, the city goes bankrupt. And whose desk do you think that comes across? Me, Mr. Mayor. If you ever want to see your beloved Liza Minnelli again,

you'll meet my demands and sign the proposal. You think I can just get a list of rat demands through City Hall? If you ever want to see 1978's Tony Award winning best leading actress again, you will. Brady, be reasonable. It's Liza Minnelli. We need her. Can't you kidnap Jimmy Fallon instead? I did Fallon five years ago.

He now lives in a sewer on the corner of 2nd Avenue and 24th Street. No, he doesn't. He's still hosting The Tonight Show. Check the tape. Brady flips the channel on the TV to NBC. The Tonight Show is playing. Steve squints at the screen. Inside of a suit bearing a passing resemblance to Jimmy Fallon

is a collection of 20 to 30 rats standing on top of each other. Why do you think he always wears suits? The Rat King makes his way to the coat stand and grabs a hat made of hardened cheese. Get that rat law signed, Mr. Mayor, and you'll get Liza back. You have my word. Interior. Carrie and Big's 600th floor apartment. Oh, shit.

I couldn't believe I was reunited with the girls. It was like old times again, except that now Samantha was dead, and so was Big. But I wonder, just because I'd buried my husband earlier that day, was there any good reason for me to abstain from sex? I didn't think so, and

luckily, neither did the Gristiti's delivery boy. That'll be $18.50, Mrs. Bradshaw. Oh, no. Looks like I lost my wallet. Is there some other way I could pay you? We take credit, Miss Bradshaw. And what if I was all maxed out?

You live in this apartment, and you can't pay for a dinner that costs $18.50? Why don't you come and sit on the couch, and I'll get some cash? I'll wait here. That's fine. Miss Bridger, why are you taking your clothes off? Because I want you to fuck me.

Carrie reads his name tag. She didn't need to add that. Noah. You added that. Did I? Yes. I'm writing at night. My bad. I want you to fuck me.

Noah. Oh, she's read his name badge, by the way. The wispy ghost of Samantha Jones appears suddenly in the lounge room. Well, if Noah's gathering us up two by two, I'm game. Let the great flood begin. What the hell? Are you a ghost?

Well, honey, I may be dead, but I've still got spirit. Now let's see that sack, and I'm not talking about dinner. Samantha, is that really you? You better believe it, Carrie. I came a long way to get here. Now let's hurry up so I can come here.

I'm out. Noah drops the food and runs away. Jeez, I transcend the barrier between afterlife and the physical realm, and I still can't catch a fuck. Go figure. Carrie wraps her naked body in a blanket worth $85,000 that was lying on the couch. Samantha, what happened to you? We looked for so long, two, maybe three hours when you were late for that lunch.

I think the kids call it death by snoo-snoo, but I call it dying doing what you love. Wow. Yeah, I guess they didn't call him dickbot for nothing. Still, that's one experiment the U. the US military can chalk up as a W. Carrie and Samantha hear running footsteps from a small group of people. Charlotte and her camera operator appear at the door. Okay, Carrie, ready for the day of shooting and shooting the grieving widow of New York's greatest illiterate financier?

Oh my God, Samantha? Yes, yes, I fucked myself to death at the hands of a United States Army robot. But I'm still horny. There, you're all caught up. But if we can see you and hear you, that means... That means you must have fucked someone in this apartment. And someone is about to fuck in this apartment. Someone was about to fuck in this apartment.

Wait, you had sex with someone in my apartment? Uh, hey, if nobody's gonna fuck, then I think the rule is I have to turn invisible again. I would like to sleep with someone, please. Ugh, camera guy, just get that camera rolling so we can focus on what Carrie's doing, okay? I mean, that's what got the show taken off the air the first time. Excuse me? Yes, Miss Goldenblatt. Interior, Stephen Miranda's Brooklyn house. Remember they live in Brooklyn?

Steve is reading a dictionary under a single light bulb. Such venom. Miranda walks in. Miranda, I'm glad you're home. I got something I need to talk to you about. Miranda, what happened? Now, under the light. Oh, my bad.

That's right. Now, under the light, it is obvious that Miranda is severely bruised. Long day at the office, sweetie. That's all. Jesus, Miranda. It looks like you've been in a fight. Someone's got to clean these streets. Well, listen, I can't tell you how I know this, but Liza Minnelli's been kidnapped.

And if I don't get a list of rat demands through City Hall in the next two days, there's lights out for Lucille, too. Rat demands? Wait, is it... Yeah, it's Brady. I was afraid this day would come. Steve, whatever happens to me now, you promise me one thing. Fire my ashes in a big cannonball while Norman Greenbaum's Spirit in the Sky plays out over a fireworks show. Of course, like we've always talked about. Miranda, I need to know where you're going. The less you know, the better. I'm the mayor of New York City and your husband. I need to know a little. I'm going to find Liza.

Good luck with that. Oh, good luck with that. That's how you meant to say it. Good luck with that. Brady knows the sewers like. That's how you meant to say it. Good luck with that. Brady knows the sewers like I know the dictionary. You'll never find him. I might not know the sewers, but there is one man who knows the city and Liza Minnelli just about as well as Brady. And who exactly is that?

Miranda puts her sleeve up to her mouth like a secret agent. Alfred, bring the car around. Hey, Miranda. Yeah, Steve? Good luck. Cut to exterior shot of Carrie and Charlotte on a skybridge connecting the towers of New York City while the camera

operator films them. A coroner might have labeled it an accident, but I think Big just couldn't handle the idea of an open relationship and died of a broken heart. But to be clear, the coroner said cause of death was traumatic intracranial hematoma, right? Hey, camera guy, how about you just keep your opinions to yourself and focus on filming our documentary subject? As I was saying, is it really

my fault if there's so much insecurity in a marriage just because I cheated on all of my partners, including Mr. Big, multiple times. I mean, if he couldn't accept that and welcome me sleeping with whoever I want, then I don't see what I could possibly have done differently. You're so right, Carrie, and you're so wise. So what do you think you're going to do now? Basically, the only thing I can do to be true to myself, process my grief by pursuing its cause,

and that cause is an open mind and open legs. And that brings us to what we're doing right now. That's right. We're headed to Jeffrey's house, a local barista who I'm hoping is a whiz with more than just espresso. Interior. A plush beautifully decorated New York City

apartment. Soft jazz plays on the stereo. Two Persian cats are stretched out on a red velvet armchair each. The clink of ice on crystal. Cinema auteur and former lover of Liza Minnelli, Mr Martin Scorsese himself is at home and he's having a good time. Hey, well, Marty, you earned it. A night off.

I work and I work and now the spoils of my labour. A night with my two cats, nothing on the agenda My God, what a luxury I barely know what to do with myself An explosion of glass and wood through one of his beautiful sash wood panelled windows Do you know what a sash window is? It's the one with all the wooden panelling inside of the window It's very beautiful, very expensive

I had to look it up so I thought I'd explain. Real momentum killer. An explosion of glass and wood through one of his beautiful sash wood panelled windows. The serenity is broken. The cats scatter. Martin looks devastated. This is not relaxing.

Martin looks towards the commotion, squinting over his glasses. Batman? That's a two-syllable word, Alice. A bat-a-man! You added an extra sentence. A bat-a-man! Did somebody order a bat? What?

No, God! What the hell is that? What is that meant to be, a pun? No, I just thought, well, I didn't have anything planned, and that's what came out. It was terrible. What are you doing here? You ruined my window. You're ruining my night.

Sorry, Mr. Scorsese, but your city needs you. When was the last time you saw Liza Minnelli? What? When was the last time you saw Liza Minnelli? What are you talking about? There isn't time for this. Miranda Batman moves with supernatural speed across the room Until she's standing ominously over Scorsese

With one hand she picks him up by his neck And draws her other arm back I'll ask you nicely one more time Where is Liza Minnelli? I don't know I haven't seen her since the 70s Why are you asking me this? Miranda Batman smashes her fist into Martin Scorsese's nose

His glasses break Blood starts gushing out of his nostrils. Don't make me hit you again. When did you last see Liza? Oh, my God. 77, I guess. When we finish working in New York. New York.

Why are you doing this? Miranda Batman punches Martin Scorsese square in the face again. Harder. You dated her, didn't you? Maybe we got a drink after a shower once or twice. Miranda Batman punches Martin Scorsese square in the face again harder you dated her didn't you maybe we got a drink after a shower once or twice

it was over 40 seconds ago sorry it was very hard for me to do the accent and also get the like the emotion it is tricky that's good Miranda Batman

throws Martin Scorsese into his throws Martin Scorsese into his wood paneled floor it dents and cracks the wood, he slides against the floor Liza's been kidnapped and what the hell has this got to do with me

you're the only ex-partner of hers I knew was still alive and well I'm desperate the city needs her you don't think I know that? she was the life of blood of this place. If anyone finds out she's missing here, there'll be riots. Do you have any idea where she could be? Where she might have been before she got kidnapped?

Well, I don't know if she still goes to the early morning... early every morning. I don't... Well, I don't know if she still does it early every morning. Okay, sorry. Well, I don't know if she still does it early every morning. Just after the party animals have gone to sleep and moments before the early risers would wake up,

she'd scale the statue of Christopher Columbus at Columbus Circle and bout out the Star Spangled Banner. That'd be my guess. Thank you, Martin Scorsese. Hey, could you call me an ambulance? You really did a number on me here. Miranda Batman has left. What a ridiculous fucking scene.

I'd like to apologize to the Italian-American community. I think you've done them justice. Carrie, Charlotte, and camera ops stand outside a run-down apartment complex. Carrie pushes the buzzer. Charlotte furiously gestures for the camera op to start filming. This place is a shithole. Shh.

Hello? It's Carrie from the coffee shop. Come in. The buzzer sounds. Carrie swings the door open. The unlikely group enter the apartment complex and start walking downstairs, arriving at a dilapidated front door. It swings open.

Peaches fuck the paint away as blasting on the stereo. Jeffrey opens another door a crack noticing Charlotte and the camera op. Who are they? They are filming a documentary about grief and I am the subject. Fair enough. Just blur my face out if you do anything with the footage. I can't have my friends knowing

I'm fucking a wasp. Jeffrey swings the door open. Everyone follows him through the door and into a stairwell. Wow, this is super underground. Welcome to Life Outside the 1%. As we descended the stairs to Jeffrey's apartment, bursts of life in my early 20s flash before my eyes. House parties and one-night stands,

long nights spent exploiting my friend's sex lives in the hopes of earning a publishing deal. I'd worked so hard to leave all this behind, and was the way to move forward really to go back? Really good, man. Charlotte is grossed out. Wait, is it? Oh, yeah.

Charlotte is grossed out, afraid to touch anything, walking in a very exaggerated way, lifting her feet high off each step and avoiding getting anywhere near the walls or stair banisters. So you, like, live here? That's right, Miss... Oh, there we go. That's right, Miss Marple.

Don't you find it super gross? You know, I hadn't thought of that. Thank you for your tone-deaf assessment of my living conditions. You're welcome. They're at the bottom of the stairs now. This is a basement. There are no two ways about it. The man lives in a basement.

He has an army camp bed laid out underneath a Grateful Dead poster. There are two old office chairs on the hard concrete floor. Jeffrey sits on his camp bed. Carrie sits next to him. Charlotte cautiously sits on one of the office chairs. The camera operator stands, filming the entire scene. Well, I came here to make small talk

and have sex and I'm all out of small talk. Carrie kisses Jeffrey softly. Slowly, the low, thrumming passion thrumming? Thrumming passion of the kiss is enough to relegate the surroundings to irrelevance. These two have genuine chemistry,

the sort of kiss that sets off fireworks in the mind's eye. After a long while, they finish, both slowly opening their eyes. In the corner of the room, we hear the ghastly, slow clap of cement for Jones. Ghostly. It's actually quite lovely. It's not ghastly, it's ghostly. Oh, sorry. Okay, ghostly. It looks like you two came to party And I should know

Back in my day I used to host cum parties all the time Jesus You've had sex here as well? Honey, I once made a man cum so hard in this basement I had to call 911 Is there a room in this city you didn't have sex in? There's three, actually. Miranda's walking through a dark, dank,

subterranean corridor talking on the phone. Oh, it's me. What the hell have you done to Martin Scorsese? What I had to do. I don't have time for this, Alfred. I'm on his tail. I can sense it. Sure enough, at the end

of Miranda Batman's foot is a tail. A rat's tail. We follow the tail to another tail. To another tail. A long, winding, interconnected run of rat's tails all coalescing into one human form meters away. Brady

in his top hat of hard cheese looks back at Miranda Batman. Abounding gag Liza Minnelli sits behind him, smiling and humming all the single ladies. I can't remember my Brad Exit. I was wondering when you'd find me. You've been a very naughty boy. If looking after a city's constituents is naughty, then I would have to agree. Listen, I don't want any trouble with you. I'm sure you've led a long and complicated life that has led you to this point and that your

parents did their best. Just release Liza and I'll leave you to play with your toys. My parents did nothing and they're not toys, they're rats. Isn't that right, my friends? Brady bends down as though he's reaching to stroke the myriad rats that surround him. After a few strokes, he gently unhooks one rat's tail from another, setting off a chain reaction. One tail follows another, follows another, until all the rat's tails are unhooked and the rats are released from their web. They run free, rushing towards Miranda Batman.

Rats are not toys! Back in the basement, Carrie and Jeffrey continue their progression towards full-blown intercourse. Charlotte quietly, nervously watches. The camera op begrudgingly continues filming. Samantha is disgusted by the pedestrian nature of their lovemaking. So wait, you know Samantha? Not while she was alive, but every time I bring someone down here, I wind up meeting her ghost. That's right. And how's that working for you?

Not so hot. Let me guess. And while you're having sex, your penis stops working. Shut up, camera up. Your job is to film, not to talk. I understand, honey. It can feel like a lot of pressure with everyone watching. Why don't you just take your clothes off and leave your socks on and we can figure this thing out together. You're still doing the socks on missionary thing? This is embarrassing.

Maybe I can help out. The ghost of Samantha Jones flies into Carrie's mouth, taking full position of her body. Once she's inside, Carrie starts coiling around Jeffrey like a snake. It's freaky, but also sexy. Slowly, he becomes aroused and excited. It's working. I don't believe it. I'm hard and horny.

Carrie and Jeffrey are about to have sex. When, just as fast as it arrived, his erection withers, collapsing into a sorry little heap inside his satin boxer shorts. I knew it. God damn it! I can't live like this anymore! Jeffrey is incensed. He starts pounding on the basement wall. His fists are strong. The wall begins to splinter from the middle. The limp dick I can handle, but it's the wet dreams that are killing me.

Ghost lady, I'm begging you. No more wet dreams. He continues beating the wall. How about you try pounding me like that, big boy? You know I can't! Jeffrey slams his head into the wall. Fuck. It shatters into a million pieces and he passes out, unconscious. On the other side of where the

wall once was, we see a vast tunnel. Two shadowy figures are in the distance, fighting. The camera operator, sensing a chance of compelling footage for the first time in this project, moves closer. They are surrounded by the silhouette of 1,000 rats. Holy shit, this is incredible! A fight is visible between two powerful shadowy figures.

It's Miranda Batman and Brady. Rats are flying everywhere, both in attack and against their will, as Miranda Batman smashes wave after wave of the little devils. I've heard of mouse maze, but this is ridiculous. What did you say? You heard her. Son. The fight grinds to a halt.

Miranda takes off her mask and reveals her identity to her son. Mom? It's me, Brady. Liza Minnelli continues humming Single Ladies. Brady hiffs's me, Brady. Liza Minnelli continues humming Single Ladies. Brady hiffs a rat at her. You're not there when I need you and now you're here when I just want to

be alone? We have to end this, Brady. If Liza Minnelli dies, there'll be no city left. I don't care. The rats of the city have been overlooked for too long. If we can't get what we deserve, then I want to see the whole of New York burn. I know the rats do a lot for the city.

I know they've been unjustly maligned. But son, this isn't the way to change things. Release Liza and you can keep control of the underground. I'll tell your father. And what about up there? That's a conversation for another day. Brady unties Liza Minnelli. She stumbles

from her seat toward the light in Jeffrey's bedroom. This isn't over. Brady stands atop his rolling magic carpet of rats and scuttles off into the darkness. Well, I still need an orgasm. And I need to finish this movie. At least my work here is done.

Samantha looks toward the light and notices the unconscious Jeffrey. Almost. The ghost of Samantha Jones, trailed by the camera op, floats over to Jeffrey's prone body and whispers something in his ear. His body tenses, twists, and a haunted look passes over his face. A scream of fear and agony escapes his throat. He comes in his boxes. Fucking incredible.

Should be a hell of a series. Keep taking down. Oh, my God. There it is, folks. What an effort. That was fantastic. Take him down. Oh, my God. There it is, folks. Woo. What an effort. That was fantastic. You guys were so good.

Yeah, thank you so much for your service, guys. How are you feeling? Was that a vocal workout? Not Miranda, Madeline. You had to do a lot of jumping around. Mirandeline. Yeah, I did. Quite tricky, the Carrie and Samantha scenes, but, you know,

I mean, Samantha is a lot of fun. She's going to be a real loss for that next series that you guys write. Well, that's right. I mean, I saw, Alice, you sort of seemed shocked that they weren't going to resolve the underworld, overworld sort of tension at the end of the episode. Yeah, it did feel like that was what the whole episode was building towards. You've got to remember this is the first episode of a full series.

Yeah, sure. You can't be solving everything as it comes. What a hook. That's right. That's for another time. The sort of exacerbated sigh you gave

as though it was all for nothing should have been an excited gasp. As though you can't wait to watch the next episode streaming on HBO Max. Yeah, that's right.

I can't wait to see. It's definitely very pretty hot. In this room? Or sexy? No, sexy, isn't it? Yeah, sexy. Guy and I have been watching a lot of pornography And I think it's kind of started to bleed Into other projects that we engage with

Do you think that's had an effect? Yeah, I was thinking it when I was writing Any of the sexy scenes It's not wasted on me That I've watched over 20 or so Softcore pornographies In the recent over 20 or so softball pornographies in the recent weeks. 20 or so.

It's going to have an effect. So what we're going to do now, everybody, is we've got a Q&A. If anyone's got any cues at all, it could be like life advice or about the podcast or about the forthcoming season that we're going to write of Sex and the City for HBO Max. Yeah. Rhys, does we need to give Rhys a tablet? Are these going through a Google Doc or are these just coming up to us in some sort of live

conversation? Do we know this? Ted Cruz was going to take care of all of it. I'm going to send you, sorry, someone just said that the volume went down. Rhys, if it's cool, can I send you a link to the thing? Sure. And also, Alice and Madeline, you can stay for all of this. You can also ask the questions or you can leave you know if you got if you got to do i mean i

know you've got lives beyond reading the script yeah i've got another 20 minutes oh what a luxury what an absolute 20 minutes more of alice then what this this computer's got questions coming up can i say at the outset of the script i did feel like i had been undercast and then throughout the script i realized what I had been given was already not within my reach I'd like to think that we worked hard enough on the script

that everyone's storylines were worthwhile and there are no small parts I mean Rudy Giuliani was a real standout and I feel like I've gotten a front row seat to two titans of drama oh Rhys you more

than held you right I really think all three of you did a phenomenal job Miranda Batman is truly incredible I loved being Alfred alright should we

jump into the questions let's do it absolutely question number one which of the sex and the city gals would win in a four person knife fight

I don't there's no knowledge of who these questions are from One, which of the Sex and the City gals would win in a four-person knife fight? There's no knowledge of who these questions are from at all, by the way. Just the questions. I love the anonymity of it. I mean, you could very well be coming up with these questions. There's actually nothing on the screen. A four-person knife fight between the four gals. I think Charlotte would be the worst. She's sort of the most fearful and I think rule-abiding.

And so, you know, handling a knife in and of itself would be too scary for her. Miranda's fierce. She'd be scary. Samantha sort of lives like she's got nothing to lose and she survived cancer. So I think she would win. I mean, she got fucked to death.

But assuming she was still alive and not undead, I think Samantha Jones would be the most fearful with knife in hand. What do you think? I missed the question because I was checking the volume. But was it which one of them would have been the most deadly armed with a knife? Which one would win a knife fight? I agree with Guy's assessment. I don't have much to add to that.

I think Samantha Jones is a force of nature. And armed or not, she's going to take you down. All right. She also had to get fucked to death by AI, which, you know, like she didn't get fucked to death by another human. It was some other force. The AI was in human form. Like Dick Bot presents as human, but it's just,

it's the knowledge that you could dial the settings on the AI to a point that the way that he was fucking was beyond human it's like you know and when are these on the market uh well in 2008 i believe they released the first one through the medium of sex in the city too but because it killed a person they've had to retract my favorite was that the american military still racked it up as a win well i, it's a powerful weapon and a seductive weapon at that too. Question two.

Is this work intended to be an allegory for the plight of the working class? Yes. Oh, yes. A thousand times yes. The iconography of a near futuristic dystopia that has been created by the income gap, the wealth gap, was not a coincidence.

Thank you for picking up on our Marxist text. It was not necessarily meant to be overtly, but almost inevitably, because your only experience of the Sex and the City universe is watching the two movies, and they're both these sort of tone-deaf, just like reunions of the characters living their garish lives, like the movies are funded by, you know,

a PR firm from the United Arab Emirates and like these very wealthy fashion lines, then it became so garish that I think... What I'm trying to say is they started it. Yeah, they started it. Take that, gals. Question three. Could this turn into a podcast series?

I think Bat Miranda needs a 12-episode arc. Yeah, certainly Miranda is Batman. It opens a lot of questions. But the fact that we got this one finished was a miracle in and of itself. I cannot stress how grateful Flamed a Little Field for providing some sort of fixed deadline to create actual output I mean

anything could be a podcast which is the problem it's the problem with podcasts they've removed the barrier to entry of anyone having to be good to do something look at us, we're here would you make this a podcast? yeah, if it wasn't so labour intensive

it may not be immediately apparent, but Guy and I did put a bit of work into this because we did it all in sort of one week not to be underestimated, Tim has built a television you notice the multiple angles and there's a switchboard here, Tim literally built a television studio in his spare bedroom.

No one cares. I care. I think it would have been an impressive production. It's much more exciting than one Zoom screen with everyone sitting next to each other. You fucking had dynamism. Thanks, Guy. He's a real whiz. He is?

We're all really proud of him. You were in a meeting with Tim this morning, right? And he got called a whiz about eight times. And how did you take it? Do you like that or do you find it condescending? Not condescending. It's lovely, but I don't know what you do with being called a whiz. Especially eight times.

Yeah, it was a lot. You put it on a comedy show poster. Whiz. Rhys, another question. Question four. What was your favorite scene to write? This is a good question The purity of these questions is beautiful There's no

what are you doing? No, I know, it's pure engagement It had like the least jokes and stuff but the favourite one that I wrote for mine was Alfred introducing himself to miranda and ushering her into the batman world even though it was like short and it and it wasn't like quippy at all um i thought it was very funny i just thought it was a funny turn because a lot

of this that like it was quite interesting guy and i work completely differently with our writing styles that guy wants to know where the characters are going what their motivations are and i just start hitting keys and just just freewheeling it and see where it winds up um and yeah so the batman thing just came out of nowhere and it was fun but i think actually you made the offer and then i just wrote the scene where alfred picked her up i called a meeting yesterday and i said we need to figure out how these storylines will coalesce and how it will finish and I actually, because we were working separately, we didn't actually write apart

from half an hour before today when we were polishing it off and up we didn't write together. What I enjoyed the most was like knowing that Tim was doing a couple of hours work and then coming back and reading some, like the scene between Mayor Steve and Brady, where Brady's stating his case for the proletariat, essentially.

You were putting your political viewpoint through these characters in the scene. I loved coming back and seeing what you'd created. I want to throw that question to Mads and Alice as well. What are your favourite scenes to perform? I enjoyed being Brady, actually. I enjoyed that scene as well, but I your favourite scenes to perform? I enjoyed being Brady actually. I enjoyed that scene as well but I also enjoyed the first

Samantha being ignored in the church or wherever they were. That was quite fun. You brought the house down. I also loved Rudy Giuliani. Rudy Giuliani I'd say fits most with my natural temperament. And also your natural sort of cadence and vocal tips. My natural cadence, yeah, exactly.

Martin Scorsese obviously dramaturgically had its challenges, which I enjoyed. Because you always want to be surprised by what's on the page and what you're bringing to it, you know? And were you? Absolutely. I was surprised at where I went inside of me and then vocally as well. A lot of your characters sounded like they'd spent their lives

growing up in every different American city and also a few offshore countries as well. Yeah. They are of no country, of no citizenship. They are a person of the world of no fixed place Alice is interested

in representing the every man every possible person what did you enjoy Rhys? I quite enjoyed playing the delivery guy oh

yeah that was a great scene Tim wrote that one I really enjoyed that and your read on it was fantastic it really was great decision

to make him a Kiwi yeah I'd given him a back story he'd moved to New York to study at UCB and just kind of and your read on it was fantastic. It really was. Great decision to make him a Kiwi. Yeah, I'd given him a backstory. He'd moved to New York to study at UCB and just kind of gotten a job on the side, yeah. Yeah. And how is it going for him? The work-life balance?

Oh, he's putting everything into it and he's not quite making the headway that he'd want, but he's making a lot of good friends along the way. Fantastic. I think UCB New York's closed down, so he's probably had to go full-time delivery guy. Oh, shit. I've got a question for Alice that's come through on...

I'm off book now, sorry, Rhys, from comments on YouTube. For Alice, and this is from Anne, what would a conversation between Joey, frequent caller on Boners of the Heart, and what Martin Scorsese sound like? I couldn't possibly say. Well, what does Joey sound like? Hey,'t possibly say. Well, what does Joey sound like?

Hey, it's me, Joey! And what does Martin Scorsese sound like? Hey, it's me! Martin Scorsese! So it sounds like one person, perhaps Alice, losing their mind. Yeah, exactly. Which I have done multiple times on the podcast, playing multiple different characters

who all sound the same. Actually, my Hugh Grant sounds a lot like Martin Scorsese. Can you do your Hugh Grant? Yeah. Hey, it's me, Hugh Grant. Question five, I need to know, did Coffee Guy survive? Absolutely. There is very little in the world that could take down Coffee Guy

Actually, do you know what? Referring back to the earlier question That was my favourite scene to write Because I had them in the cafe And I was like, well I've got to put Coffee Guy in there And then I wrote him in at the start And went and had to do some other writing And then came back and I was like, we've got to see more of Coffee Guy

Yeah, because he had a passing mention in all drafts that I had seen so far And then at some point today you had added a ton of additional Coffee Guy stuff, which was a delight to see on the page. No, Coffee Guy's a survivor. It's going to take more than a fall from a 200 high story coffee shop to take care of that guy. He just brushed off the glass and charged towards Boston. Beantown, baby.

Can I ask our panel a question? Which character did you identify with the most? And it probably would be one that you voiced, but maybe it was one that you didn't. Who's a bit of you? I think Miranda. Yeah, it's a fighter for justice. Yeah.

That's kind of me. A legal background. A legal background. Beats the shit out of Martin Scorsese. Yeah, exactly. I kind of like that she's in a costume. Has been to. A legal background. Beats the shit out of Martin Scorsese. Yeah, exactly. I kind of like that she's in a costume. Has been to New York. Has been to New York, yes.

Yeah, I just kind of like, you know, just like a costume and stuff. Like that she's got a cave. I quite like a cave. Batman's quite wealthy. That's something I'm quite interested in and in pursuit of, you know. You want to make it something called the lady cave at your house don't you yeah i do your signs like no men allowed famously yeah yeah that's all i want a house for it's just two rooms it's my bedroom and the lady

cave uh meds um yeah maybe miranda but um maybe brady know, again, a bit of a fighter, but more of a kind of fighter for the underground. Yeah. Yeah. Surrounded by rats. It was nice. Having spent so much time with Brady through the movies. And then now it's nice that it's like, it follows that classic villainous arc of he believes in the right,

he believes in a right thing, but his application of it is the wrong you know it's not it's not the traditional path in this movie and TV show technically he's a scary guy what are you talking about? Brady I tuned out for a moment I love how you're talking about his character

try not to tune out for a moment Tim when we're having a conversation that people have paid to listen to I'm making sure everything's still online I've got to split my focus a little bit Tune out for a moment, Tim, when we're having a conversation that people have paid to listen to. I'm making sure everything's still online. I've got to kind of split my focus a little bit, so I am sorry for that. He's like the Christian Wigg character in Wonder Woman 84.

I've not watched Wonder Woman 84. Oh, spoiler alert. Okay, someone hates women. You're not invited to the lady cave. I wasn't anyway. I was prepared to make an exception, but not anymore. Your visa status has been revoked. Yeah, yeah. Your pussycat.

Did we get who Rhys' character was, who you relate to? I relate to Mr. Big, certainly. On what grounds? A man of subpar intelligence who's managed to fail up. I disagree. I think you're similar to Big, but for different reasons. You're a cool guy. My own question is, which character did you find the most deplorable,

as written by us? Carrie, still. Carrie. Carrie all the way. Carrie always. It is always Carrie, isn't it? It is. Do you know what's so interesting is that when I was in my early 20s,

I loved Carrie. And then in my late 20s, I hated her. And I was like, that's a sign of growth. Do you know what I mean? Like that shows a person who's really worked on themselves. That they can go from being so blind to so awake. Also, when you were in your early 20s, you were a lawyer, and in your late 20s, you were a comedian.

And the material growth is a change of opinion in a TV show character. Yeah, exactly. You're such a Carrie. Any others there? Yeah, a few. I'm you're such a carry. Any others there, Rhys? Yeah, a few. I'm just going down the list. Thank you for doing this, by the way, Rhys.

Rhys was not our original person, as we mentioned. Yeah, that's right. No, it was cool that Mads and Alice got the, hey, are you busy? Do you have things on after this? But just assume that I was free. Question six. What is more fundamental to the show,

sex or the city? The city. It's got to be the city. The fifth gal. They're trying to trick you with the whole... I remember originally when we were discussing this, you were quite set on making the city sentient, that New York City was going to be...

New York City itself was going to be a character. Yeah, I wanted... Only Carrie Bradshaw could talk to it, but the city would communicate through grates around the town. So you'd see Carrie Bradshaw standing on a street corner yelling into a grate, and the city would be talking back, but no one else could hear it. Have you seen Ghostbusters?

I think it's the second one. I've only seen the first one. They charge the ectoplasm. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? All the negativity of the New Yorkers makes it all evil I just thought because the city has always been the fifth gal If you take out Samantha, you need a fourth gal Enter New York City

Josh, we'd like you to please explain Choffee I actually looked up I googled haute couture fashion lines and tried to find one with a C. I wanted a hard C sound for the alliteration of like Cartier coffee, which would have worked better, and I just thought of then. But I was sort of in a frenzy, and the first one I saw was Chanel, and I thought, nah, close enough, Chanel choppy. A tantalizing glimpse to my creative process there.

I've just scrolled down. There are so many questions to get through. We probably won't get through all of them. Which character from Grown Ups 2, We Are Your Friends, or Emmanuel, would you most like to see join the cast of the new Sex and the City season? Emmanuel makes the most sense. Horniest, most sexually adventurous, a logical replacement for Samantha. But who would I like to see the most?

George Lazenby. George Lazenby? Yes. Well, from the Emanuela series, absolutely George Lazenby. Some freaky, semi-mystical creature who spans different movies and used to be James Bond.

Do you know who I would love to see? Kevin fucking James. I'd love to see Kevin James swanning around the sex in the city universe just making it worse by being there a mash-up of sex of the city and king of queens yeah exactly someone's had four on hard times and moved to queens he's funny now have you seen those videos started doing on youtube kevin james no he's like your taste has gotten worse. No, listen, they're good. I actually, do you know what?

You say that, I watched a Kevin James stand-up clip on the Netflix is a Joke YouTube channel recently. I don't doubt the guy has been funny before, but he is not. Tim Batts doing what you did, Alice, in reverse. It's called regressing. He's regressing.

All right, Rhys? Is Samantha trapped as a ghost forever, or will she eventually move on? I think she'll move on. I think maybe if she can be present in those three rooms while in New York that she hasn't fucked in while other people fuck, if she can collect all of the rooms in New York City

as sexual conquests. And we've added that she can possess people's bodies now, so I think she's going to jump in. A real cruel fist for Samantha, though, to be so proximate to sex, and then her mere presence prevents sex from being possible. These are the conflicts we write into the script because we are good writers.

Yeah, we're very talented. Who's been cast to play Brady visually in the HBO adaptation? How have the rats been like to work with on set? Well, the rats have been an absolute joy to work with, real pros on set. And I would say Brady, I'm imagining Ron Weasley. Who's that guy? Rupert Grint.

Or, I mean, to be fair, I keep trying to find the Instagram of the guy who did play Brady, but I think he's left show business. Good for him. If he's available, he'd be great. KJ Upper with his Riverdale hair. I was going to be fair, I keep trying to find the Instagram of the guy who did play Brady, but I think he's left show business. Good for him. If he's available, he'd be great. KJ Upper with his Riverdale hair. I was going to say KJ Upper. Oh, yeah.

Support our fellow Kiwi in the biz. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's an open cast. So if anyone watching wants to, you know, come along for an audition, fill your boots. I want to see Hayley Joel Osmond as a slightly older Brady. Oh, that's actually quite good casting, I reckon. Poor Hayley Joel Osmond as a slightly older Brady. Oh, that's actually quite good casting, I reckon. Poor Hayley Joel.

I was watching a clip of him the other day and I was like, oh. As a man or as a boy? As a man. What was the clip? Isn't he doing great? Isn't he friends with funny people or something? Is he? Oh, okay, good.

I think he's friends with the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia folks. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that makes me feel a lot better, actually. Yeah, I can actually see the stress leaving your body. Yeah, it Oh that makes me feel A lot better actually Yeah I can actually see The stress leaving your body Yeah it actually does Make me feel a lot better Because he looked like

One of those guys Who was like so cute As a kid And then like grow up To I don't know Like put together Small bombs at home He just

He looks like a normal guy now I know Maybe that's what's killing me Anyway Next question please Recy baby Will Tim or Guy Let the fame of being The new Sex and the City writers Go to their heads Maybe that's what's killing me. Anyway, next question, please. Recy, baby. Will Tim or Guy let the fame of being the new Sex and the City writers go to their heads first?

Which one? Definitely me, I think. What do you think? Yeah, I mean, Tim's been a monster to work with since before this success, so it will have a detrimental effect to him. But I'd also like to think I could become a monster. Given the right amount of money and time, I think I could be a real piece of shit.

How much money, how much time? Five million dollars within a year. Can I say this? You already are a massive piece of shit, Guy Montgomery. Thank you, Tim Batt. A pleasure to be in business with you. Call for merch. Will there be Rat Demands shirts?

Fuck, there should be. We need to get on merch opportunities off the back of this. Yeah, Tim says that, but I feel like every time we've tried to launch into merch, we have lost money. If you're a designer, get in touch with us. LittleEmpirePodcasts at gmail.com. You would be amazed at how poorly we have done at it.

Merch is like a lifeblood for podcasters. All of our friends with podcasts seem to make, you know, not stacks of money, but a livable amount of money for merch. We might have broken even at this point after the years, which is pretty great. Which is seven.

Do you know today actually marks the sixth year anniversary since we did our first live show in America? Holy shit. Yeah. Which means it's probably the seventh-ish anniversary of the whole show. It is. To the day. We turned seven today.

Whoa, I didn't know that. From America back to your flat in Grayland. It feels good. It's a rise, rise, rise. I mean, if you look at it holistically in terms of how you might map out your career on a graph, it's upsetting. But if you look at it globally in the current context of the world, life is good. The five of us don't live together, and yet we're in the same house.

I'm sorry, what? It's proof. I reckon like maybe three more and then we'll be done. Three more questions. Yeah, what do you think? Yeah, absolutely. Sure.

So just, Rhys, if you could just cherry pick the best ones. Thanks, mate. What do you believe your read on this script would be after watching it 52 times I would say that it could have used a couple of rewrites

you know what I actually reckon pretty favourable because there's a lot in it like visually there's fight scenes there's different backgrounds there's not a huge amount of characters, but there's enough to sink your teeth in.

There's ghosts, there's rats. What do you want to film? I don't disagree. I think revisiting this script every week for a year would be easier than doing either of the two Sex and the City movies. And I truly believe that. Take that.

Take that. Patrick. Go ahead. Someone had something to say? No, I was just going to say, every time I do anything with you guys to do with Sex and the City, I always watch Sex and the City afterwards. And today?

Probably the same. I'm like, tonight I'm going to watch Sex and the City. Is that where you have to go in 20 minutes? Yeah, that's where I'm going to go. Madam deadline. This one's for Guy. Can you explain the title of Rob Schneider's stand-up special? It was never explained on the pod.

Fucking hell, man. With pleasure. So he came out with a special last year, filmed just before I think America went into lockdown restrictions, and it's called, from memory, Asian Mama Mexican Kids. And it seems on the service view quite an obtuse... Whoever sent this question and is banned from the podcast it seems like quite an obtuse title but actually it's named so because

his mother is filipino and the philippines are in asia and his wife is with whom he has children is mexican and so the the children are um mexican so the mama of the title, Asian Mama, is his mom, Mama, and she is Asian. You've got to pull that back up. And the children, his children, who are Mexican. So I'm sorry we couldn't clarify that on the podcast, but glad to have all that sorted now. Fuck both of you.

I think this is our last question now. What's next for you boys now that Emmanuel is done? It ain't. There's more Emmanuel devastatingly but I I have an idea that I could put to you now nah

because we might not do it oh do you want to yeah I don't care okay I I to be honest the grind of watching

softcore pornography every week is is taking a toll on me I find it hard and I know that you didn't enjoy doing the Real Rob special, and I don't think we should watch that weekly,

but I think we should do the entire Schneider Back catalogue seven days at a time. Oh, no. Give the man what he deserves. No, I don't know about that. I don't think so. Agree to disagree. Because I felt like someone else might have done that already, you know?

Watched all of his movies every day for a week I will bet you a million dollars Every single Rob Schneider movie It's like a series of mini seasons Where we watch them all Every day for a week Watch his entire oeuvre How many movies is he in?

A lot So many You're not going to get through them all in one day I don't think they're fit in a day it's not for a day it's like my week with cats but with a different

Rob Schneider movie for different weeks so you just watch it once no you're a seven hold on are you guys getting that no

watch the same movie every day for a week yeah same Rob Schneider it's like you do the animal for one week you do my week with the animal and then you take a week off and then a one week you do my week with the animal and then you take a week

off and then a week later you do my week with the hot chick and then you take a week off do we understand yeah it's still vetoed

but it's a good idea it's a soft veto it's a it's not veto it's a no um let's add two more questions oh you don't want to go out on that

high no um which question's gonna give the big laugh you don't need to go out on that high? No. Which question's going to give the big laugh? You don't need to end on a laugh. That's a misconception. I'd like to have a comedy show end on an administrative note. Which characters will Tim and Guy play in this reboot? Tim and Guy, we come in on episode two. We write ourselves in as writers, and it is a mess.

I hate seeing writers in anything, in like a film or a play or whatever. It's so boring. Stay in your fucking dungeon, writers. You untalented hacks. They're so overrepresented in things, because they're the ones constructing the thing for everyone. Fuck off. I've been in everything i've ever written alice sneddon is one of my same no no no hold on sorry i don't mean

fuck you guys i mean i don't mean being a writer should exclude you from being in the thing i mean having a character who's a writer be in the thing is shitty alice sneddon has performed one of my favorite comedy like acting performances ever in a skit. It was like a parody version of Because I Got High on the New Zealand skit show. I didn't write that. Jono and Ben. I was on the team, but I did not write that.

Alice Sneddon played the role of, like, it's like, you know how in the song it's like, wow, you know, it's like, because I got high, but before, because I got high, someone goes, wow, man. Alice Sneddon delivers that one line, why, man, from, like, because I go, huh, but before, because I go, hey, someone goes, why, man? Alice Sneddon delivers that one line, why, man, from like a couch. I can see it in my mind. It is the funniest line read I've seen in my entire life, but nothing.

Fuck you. Do you have to do like 20 takes to get the timing of it? We were just like in the booth going okay and again and we're gonna get it and we're gonna get it well no it was worth it because fuck

I love it um is that enough yeah I reckon that seemed like a great idea yeah yeah that's fantastic

I really do uh just want to cast a spotlight on the three of you because that was a really great job from each one of you thank you so much

and to you as well for writing the script congratulations obviously to us on the three of you because that was a really great job from each one of you. Thank you so much. And to you as well for writing the script. Congratulations. Obviously to us. Yeah, you guys, you were essentially proofreading on site and you did an incredible job.

So thank you so much. Beautifully written. So everybody, please find online Madeline Sami, Rhys Mathewson and Alice Nevin. It is imperative that you validate their performances today

by seeking out their online personas and following them religiously. Bitcoin is dead. This is the one true currency. Followers and subscription numbers. I think a huge thank you to Littlefield, specifically Gabe and Caitlin at Littlefield, for helping facilitate this. A huge thank you to everyone who bought a ticket to watch.

You guys genuinely make it all worthwhile. It was so nice to everyone who bought a ticket to watch you guys make it all genuinely make it all worthwhile. It was so nice to have something to look forward to and then dread and then execute. So I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you're watching this after it was live, I hope everything's good now.

Bye everybody! Bye!