The Worst Idea Of All Time - Jingle All The Way

Episode Date: January 29, 2018

Your boiz have a Patreon and on that Patreon, some contibutors decide a different movie for Timbly and Guybo to watch. In this first episode (released a year ago for the Patreon subscribers) the pair sat down to watch 1996's Jingle All The Way featuring the completely all-American sounding Arnold Schwarzenegger. It was a delight. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Every holiday season there's one toy everyone has to have. I want the Turboman axe and figure with the arms and legs that move. And the walking horn jet pack and the boomerang shooter. Getting it is every child's dream. Whoever doesn't can be a real loser. Finding it... You got the doll, right? ...is this father's's nightmare I'll get that

toy I promise nothing like waiting till the last minute I would sir especially on Christmas Eve They're all gone. These two are looking for a turbo man. Where's your Christmas spirit? The last one just left. No. It's two fathers.

This is war. One mission. Woo! Oh, poor baby. And every man for himself. Welcome along to the first ever Patreon podcast from you fuckboys, Gaibo and Timbert. We just watched, due to popular demand, Jingle All The Way. As chosen by the deciders.

Jingle All The Way Dose. Yeah. No Jingle All The Way 2. is chosen by the deciders jingle all the way dose times there was all the way uh two did you see there is a jingle all the way too i did not see that way after like 10 years after and larry the cable guy plays kind of the arnie role in it that sounds terrible i know but we're not here to talk about that we're here to talk about the movie we have just seen. And hey, fuck, this is weird. It's new. It's an interesting experience. It's so similar to the thing we normally do,

but it's just different enough to really kind of throw me off course. It's so hot in here, man. It's so hot. Oh my God. We're in the studio and it's been three hours. Actually, we watched an extended cut of Jingle All The Way. The cinema runtime was 1.29, but Sim found one. Sim found one.

And Tim also found one that was 1.33. I am Sim. For henceforth on the Patreon products. Sim. I'm your host, Sim. Yeah, and it's spelt with a Y Not an I Four

So it's been over three hours B to B Back to back Business to business The thing with human bodies is If you leave them You leave them there long enough They'll just start heating up

Yeah they will But they're very adaptable as well They start finding interesting ways To deal with the heat We're in a small space We heated it up pretty good, pretty quick. Yep. So the first watch was a romp.

It was a joy. The movie has, like, it's got a pretty, like, good comic tone. It kind of knows what it's doing. Fuck yeah. And the second watch was just this weird fever dream, just, like, waves of consciousness. There's something that happens when you crank a room up this hot. It is.

It does things to the mind. But, you know. Tim's recording in a singlet. Yeah, I am. You're not wearing shoes. We're all trying to expose as much skin as humanly possible to the outside air. Yeah.

Just to try and increase our surface area that could potentially be cooled down could i often know you're wearing singlets but i never really see you in just a singlet i know you wear singlets under shirts sometimes i don't that often very rarely in fact i've seen you do it oh it's happened yeah it's not often this is a good movie i'm gonna put my stake in the ground fucking early and say this is a great movie but there's a couple of things that really jutt out to me. Number one, we need to... He's gotten away with it now, clearly.

I mean, the man went on to become governor of California. But someone needed to stop and go, how is it that Arnold Schwarzenegger can just get away with in all of these family comedy films that he's made of which he's made like probably dozens no one is questioning the still such a thick Austrian accent it is untouched it is virginal it's like he's just gotten off the plane or boat or whatever you get from Austria to America and definitely a plane yeah yeah you're right I mean I think he came over on a boat though originally he was young though at the time and very poor very poor it's a quite inspirational

story it's a very inspirational story but you you take issue with uh just just acknowledge it somewhere and it never happens in any movie because with movies like this there's a lot of winks to the camera which tell you you know yeah we get it certain stuff gets acknowledged but never in an arnie film is the most glaring obvious thing which is arnie's accent ever addressed it's like it's in the contract i feel like it's you can see just you can see the writers and their brazen approach they're terrified of this question and so they're well, if we don't address it, maybe... No one else will. No one will notice the audience.

But what they're not really reckoning with is just how thick. It is deliciously thick. Like, it's gone off, I think. If I was looking at that cream in the fridge and I was like, that is so thick, I think it's separated. That's how thick his Austrian accent is accent my first test is a smell test and then if it's thick but i know that there's still some uh not as thick cream in there i'll just shake that up yeah add it back in mix it all up yeah the smell test works on a surprising array of things you can't fuck with smell you

can't fuck with smell man there's a lot of things you can fuck with but i will never fuck with smell no you just don't want to do it so reliable it's so like like and back in the day when they used to diagnose sick people by sniffing a wound rank the senses rank the senses five to one oh boy Here it comes Gotta put sight up there Right Pretty important You go worst first Worst

So worst You go five first And you're counting down To number one Which is the best I'm going down to number one Like a good old fashioned countdown Yeah

Okay So Your number five Bodily sense Coming in for a Fully functioning human Is gonna be the sense of touch Oh man

That's so low for touch Touch is great I guess it is, fuck, can I do a redo? Probably not, I feel like I'm tied into it Why so low for touch? But I just got so Well it's because the other four were just Rolling around in my head so much

And then I kind of freaked out. I went, ah, who needs touch? Anyone in any circumstance where you could die, that's when. Or experience pleasure. Yeah, I mean, it's certainly... But you can experience pleasure. The only kind of pleasure you can't really experience without touch is sexual pleasure. But you can experience lots of other kinds of pleasure.

You can appreciate good art, music. That's about it. It would be quite good for art because it would remove the curiosity to touch the work. It would. When you're in a museum, there's no risk factor. Or a gallery, rather. No risk factor.

I'm old enough to know not to, but if no one's looking, i will touch anything in a museum that's what they don't tell kids they say don't touch as if like you you grow up and everyone just knows that bullshit don't winking get caught stop winking exactly touch anything in the museum i'm gonna lay it on my kid i will tell them up for it i'll be like, here's all of the rule book. The rule is we tell everyone when they're your age not to touch anything. Fucking go in there and do it. Do not get caught. Do not get caught.

And if you do get caught, I didn't say anything to you. So touch at the bottom. I reckon next is going to be taste. Yeah, taste is number four. Now, I'm actually going to put sight at number three because I really value hearing because you're listening to this on a podcast. And number one is smell because, as I mentioned before,

neither of us fuck around with it. Sight was number three i think yeah smell and then taste and then touch and then sight uh sorry and then you've just created an absolute scramble no no that wasn't it at all it's okay i think i live i live with touch touch was at the bottom yeah which i think then then i went taste still regrettable yeah then sight then sound hearing and uh yeah numero sound oversight you first you prefer listening to seeing yeah yeah what's your take on that because that's the agile question isn't it would you rather be blind or deaf if you if something happened it's i i think i obviously both of them are unimaginable to me and so it's hard to know but i generally think i would uh take

um blindness over being deaf music is just such a key influencer yeah it's really and i feel like it takes you out of the world a bit less as well if you're blind but maybe that's just my take on what the world is i feel like if you're deaf unfortunately it kind of like it's harder i think it's harder maybe it's not don't fucking know i ain't never done it i've got the movie playing again for a third time silently as we're recording the podcast just as i don't actually know why. It's additional torture for us. It's a little visual cue for what's going on.

Usually when there's a moving image on a screen, I can't help but have my eyes lock in on it. But because I've just seen this twice and it's just playing in the background, this is like... Wallpaper. It's beautiful. It's visual white noise.

It's like having sports on a on a tv screen at a bar it's comforting in some way yeah and it's it's also a refreshing reminder that phil hartman is truly a gift to anything he touches oh my god he is singularly like he's this character is terrifying but yeah he plays it perfectly. It is hysterical. So, Phil Hartman's character, if you haven't seen Jingle All The Way, and I imagine actually you probably have. Yeah.

It's one of those movies that you've seen. You know, hey, just let's take a moment right now. Close your eyes, not if you're driving. Think about all the movies you've seen. Jingle All The Way's in there. Yeah yeah it's in there somewhere it slipped through it's in that dvd collection and you're here and you probably remember it quite vaguely what you will remember this is what i remembered from the film is uh arnold schwarzenegger flying through the air huge set piece happens at about sort of midway through the third act they're setting up a lot of stuff it's big it's brassy it's a former mr universe being propelled through the air with a personal jet engine on his back and there's something pretty cool about that and unforgettable it's

and the effects have dated terribly they kind of work though because the whole tone is so cartoonish It kind of worked, though, because the whole tone is so cartoonish. Like, everything culminates in a huge set piece. This movie does not goof around. It's like... But it does. But it... Yeah, yeah. It doesn't goof around in goofing around.

It gets very serious about goofing around all the time. It takes very little in this world more seriously than goofing around. But they set up the stakes immediately. I love it. You've got... What are we dealing with here? You've got... A mattress magnate?

Yeah, you've got the son of a mattress magnate who likes watching TV. He likes watching Turbo Man. And he likes karate. He's seven-ish. And Arnie, his dad, is just working altogether too hard and also is playing things pretty fast and moves with the truth. He is telling a lot of people he's on top of things

and he is not on top of things. He's not at all. First of all, the opening is a little bit strange only for one reason in particular. This is never returned to later in the film, but it's very specific and and kind of bleared out or broadcast to you very loudly that howie our lead played by arnold schwarzenegger howard langston is a like a sales manager for a mattress company and he's on the phone during the christmas party everyone's having a good time drinking their champagne having a dance howie is in his office furiously just getting some

orders off and he's receiving calls from people who on the 17th of december i think you said you saw a calendar somewhere on the 17th of december are wanting to order 10 20 50 100 mattresses and this is happening with enough regularity that he gets in the zone of picking up the phone order 10, 20, 50, 100 mattresses. And this is happening with enough regularity that he gets in the zone of picking up the phone, conducting the call, telling everyone it won't be a problem, which we later find out, man, I don't think anyone's ever got a mattress problem.

And then always ends it with, you're my number one customer. This is the crazy thing to me, is he promises a lot of stuff to get done right before Christmas. He's like hey i know it's a stress of time yeah don't worry i got this you're my number one customer and then the movie proceeds to tell the tale of how much he's struggling at home yeah there's a whole other

movie yeah you're so right hell he has wrought on all of these mattress buyers yeah he has promised so much and has literally abandoned ship i reckon it's's a Bernie Madoff situation where the lie becomes so big that the only option is to lie bigger. Like there's nothing else for it. His mattress empire that's there is just on this mountain of debt and eventually it's kind of like if you get addicted to, oh, this is such a funny bit. Jamie, the kid.

This is just like this little cutaway shot. So Howie, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has realized he doesn't have the doll. He's got to set out on Christmas Eve right in the morning and go and find the action figure that Jamie's got his heart set on because Arnie didn't turn up to the karate belt ceremony. He feels terrible. He's trying to make it up. There's just a very brief shot.

It cuts to Jamie, the kid. He's eating his Turbo Man cereal, puts a big old fucking spoonful in his mouth and just goes, hmm. As if to go, yeah, pretty good. I reckon they nailed the flavor on this. And not an acknowledgement to himself. Merch breaking.

Yeah, they got this batch right down the old wheat mill good stuff a good drop yeah a fine vintage for turbo man cereal it was a good crop for turbo man the 90s the bumper summer of 96 there's a lot of genuinely super funny bits in this movie i reckon oh man phil hartman all the time yeah he's running around with a reindeer right now on screen it's just a lot of big offers in the movie just like lately all of them culminate in the biggest possible way at the end of the scene and then they don't address anything that they just move on that's how you make a good comedy movie i and i just want to address the elephant in the room we are aware of of phil

how phil hartman went and it's just it's one of those things where it's so big and present in your brain that it's like you can't hear or see phil hartman without just going oh it's fucking tragedy but we're not going to dwell on that because this is a christmas movie and it's about the christmas spirit and phil hartman fantastic. This is two years before he passed away that he made this film. So this would have been one of his last movies. And we were pretty sure that Nancy Cartwright is in this as well,

but I didn't see her name in the credits. So maybe it's... No, I didn't see it either. It is her though, right? No, it just seemed like her. I really think it's her. I'd be shocked if it wasn't. There's a very early cameo, a cameo from an early Chris Parnell.

Oh, that is a delight. He's a very comical toy store clerk. And when Howie, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is just... You can't get these Superman dolls anywhere. They have been sold out for so long. And it's just ridiculous to watch these people scrambling around the toy stores because there's just no way this is going to work out. And he asked one of the toy store clerks, he says,

do you have any of the Turbo Man dolls? And the toy store clerk, just played by Chris Parnell with aplomb, just laughs in his face. A full-throated, open-mouthed, wide-eyed, just laugh right at him. A guffaw? A guffaw? A guffaw? A guffaw?

It's big, whatever it is. It's huge. Guffawing, guffawing all over the floor. It's massive. Chris Parnell, Cyril Figgis of Archer, and what else is he in? Jerry from Rick and Morty. Jerry from Rick and Morty. The dad.

Very skilled and funny comedian. I think he's fucked around a bit with H. John Benjamin in the past as well. Made some stuff with him. I would believe that. Yeah. Bloody funny. Now, we've got to talk about Sinbad, because Sinbad's in this movie.

And he's one of those guys who you go, whoa, I've never thought about Sinbad in the last 15 years. What's that guy doing now? Don't I? I remember, I don't remember the details of it, but I remember seeing this movie and liking Sinbad, because he does a good job of being loud and confident. That memory of the movie wasn't from today though, right?

No. It wasn't from one of the two watches that we just had. This was from an earlier time. Yeah, and then now I watch it and it's just Sinbad comes in at top volume, the top volume that you you can possibly be and it's just like where have you got to go from there exactly it was it gave him a little director's note because he is given in the script these moments that are sort of these big diatribes and i mean fuck i don't know i've never made a proper movie but my assumption would be

when you get delivered like a big block of dialogue like that and you're kind of going on a tear you want to start low so you can end high and then the comedy isn't seeing how far you've come but simbad comes in at 11 out of 10 on the first syllable. Sinbad, by the way, has laid hands on a woman's neck in the line for the toy store. He's just grabbed it. It was a different time, though. Even though this film's only 20 years old, which sounds like a long time, but isn't really. 1996 feels like, you know, I can remember that. There's still, you know, stuff has has not dated well oh yeah some thoughts

and uh opinions and attitudes that have dated badly well it's but it's it's sort of also it's part of the overall tone of the film which is just you know careless escalation. Well, not careless, carefree. Yeah. Childlike. And that's the whole point. And, yeah, I don't know. Oh, there's Chris Parnell. Look at his big face. How old would he be in this?

He looks young. Looks like he's in his 20s. Probably 30 then because they would have powdered him. You know, they put a little powder on you. Didn't know that. And suddenly they take years off oh trade secret everybody gather around the fire well let me tell you guys are going to tell us the trade secret here uh i've been horning the forums the actors forums online uh and it's amazing who you run into on those are you trying to get in the movies mate uh just curious curious about You're getting above your station about the practices and

yeah there's a make up for them and apparently what they do on these sets is they just put some powder on the faces of the actors, the people who are going to be on screen and it makes them look

younger than they actually are. Here's what I'm worried about. You're off doing independent research into cinema on your own time, not your role. What we're supposed to be doing here is just watching movies repetitively and giving our thoughts out. I know, I know. I don't want you getting too much intel. I think it's interesting to know how certain things work. I know you think that, but it's actually very dangerous for you to get

new information would you have thought that all of the people you saw on on screen tonight have at some point sat down and had another person put powder on their face i would say that's probably absolutely the case changes the way you look at it doesn't it it does a little bit yeah and isn't that weird where what's another context that you use powder in you know i think it's just knowing you're an explosives expert that all these people at some point you know during the day that we're watching them walk around on tape had to sit down for a bit and be that's so boring that's so that's such a boring thought i'm amazed it's even in your head. Oh, it's in there deep.

Fuck, man. This room has done a number on you. Your priorities are whacked out. They are incorrect. I know I made some bold choices on the ranking of the censors, but fuck what you are talking about is boring. I can't express this confidently enough. Is it the most interesting thing you've heard today?

That everyone in the movie had powder on their face on the same day I'm watching them do this scene. You indulged it to the point it became boring. I thought there was going to be a twist at the end. No, no. It was a very sincere belief. yeah okay still boring let's talk about rita wilson she plays basically the mom or mom as you say it in america this is arnie's wife the role of mom which was written once in 1991 and then just issued to all cinema release

comedy movies. Put this one in. Until the mid 2000s. Now I can't remember what I'm basing this on, but I think Rita Wilson is a fucking cool person. In real life. I think I've read some stuff about her and made an opinion

of her that she's awesome. And I'm pretty sure that she used to be married to tom hanks and maybe still is but i'm not very good with the celebrity stuff it does yeah i think what you think you know about rita wilson is now just what you know about her yeah okay and accordingly i also have a similar amount of information yeah and i love her i'm a huge fan yeah she's very likable in this as well. She does a great job of just taking that pretty limited source material and being like, okay, this again, righto,

and just fucking knocking it out of the park. Yeah. She plays the role of sort of put upon. Set upon. Wife and mother. Set upon by Phil Hartman. Yeah. Phil Hartman. Yeah. Phil Hartman's character, one of the character traits he has is he's a massive creep who's a divorced neighborhood sleaze.

He goes and helps out with odd jobs around the housewives' homes and he fucks all of them he's developed a intricate and secretive code language to use with the uh woman of the neighborhood when they're out in public whereby they reference around the house chores and it's actually euphemisms for sexual habits that they want phil hartman to come and perform at one point one of them says uh she needs a hand with the porch light and it would be great if he could come in because he's so handy and uh phil hartman says i've got just the right tool for the job and you know he's talking about his dick you know it it's dripping off the line it's everyone in the cinema this is a kid's movie i'm pretty sure oh man i love that and i was actually thinking about that as we were watching us i was thinking to myself

they don't do that anymore but that's bullshit they always have done that and always they do it now and they always will do that put all those great little grubby lines in for the parents that have come you know you know what i was thinking though i don't know that they make a ton of these kind of movies anymore they're a big budget where they're for the kids like there's stuff in here for the animation to keep them along is where it's at animations for grown-ups and they just kind of make it if it feels like the movies are so good and slick and perfectly measured in every way that it's like for an adult but it's just for grown-ups raising pretentious children yeah exactly yeah they use enough like lack of swear words and colorful um palettes and like animals

as the vehicle for everything that you put it in front of a kid but this is actually a movie where it's like now this is for kids it's the john hughes movies are like that as well i find like his with home alone it's like that is a movie for children which i dig about it yeah it's stuff that kids want to see kids love seeing like kids fucking up grown-ups and that's that is the entire premise of Home Alone. And I love that. It's like, what if you, as a nine-year-old boy, your family fucking bailed and you inherited this mansion and you were just there to fuck up two 50-year-old crooks and you nailed it? And everyone can get in on that pitch. Kids love that pitch, because what is the one thing kids don't have?

Power. What do they want? Power. That's why they go crazy for toys where, like, you push a button and a fucking light and a sound goes, you know? Because it's empowering. That's what's at the heart of Jingle All The Way, is the quest to get the Turbo Man for the kid. It is. Although this kind of goes astray a little bit

in that the sort of centre... I mean, the protagonist of this film is Arnie, from Way To Go. Yeah. You know? He's a grown-up. He's meant to be a protagonist, but his... Yeah.

His role... Anti-hero at best. role anti-hero at best he is his charisma uh carries what is a deplorable character but again it comes back to this thing no one ever addresses his accent and the fact that arnold schwarzenegger look i love the man he's a bad actor and we need to tell him and i feel like he's had a whole career of people laughing at him which he is mistaken for people laughing with him when he's got these roles and james cameron is the man responsible because he knew how to use arnie which is let's make him a fucking futuristic robot because they talk real weird so this is good casting but then these other filmmakers were like oh who was that guy from

terminator he's good at movies let's make him an american father are you kidding me the dude he looks like a a goddamn demigod sent from zeus himself and he he talks like a robot that's just started to learn how to interface with humans yeah but i yet i never ever without you there to say i never question i'm like oh of course it's arnold he's arnold schwarzenegger before he's the character so you don't need to talk about because i'm like oh of course it's arnold schwarzenegger that's exactly how arnold schwarzenegger talks, I would be more put off to see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a movie and go, wow, howdy. I'd be like, who overdubbed Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Do you think that at the Academy Awards each year, while he was acting, there should have been best male actor, best female actor, and best Arnold Schwarzenegger actor?

And it was just like, what was the best movie he made that year of him being arnie in it but he's doing something different he's he's doing something a little bit different than everyone else in hollywood it's harder yeah learning acting is easy becoming such a colder personality that you are cast for that and only that yeah Yeah. That's a real triumph. It's quite actually kind of postmodern and quite arty when you think about it. He's going in there and everyone thinks he's acting, but he's not.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is always Arnold Schwarzenegger being Arnold Schwarzenegger being whoever is in the movie. You know? It's the perfect, I mean the he's played his whole hand just brilliantly hasn't he he certainly has and as a result we kind of have no idea what he's like it's a very mysterious aura that he's he's he's built for himself also i've got a very quick i've had a visual prompt from the screen for uh a real highlight moment for me which is in the middle of knowing being able to get these, uh,

I like that. You're dancing around the weird shining light. Cause it belongs to a different podcast. I don't dance around shit. Uh, the, and the frenzy to try and get the toy. They,

they catch wind on the radio. Sinbad and Arnie catch wind of, um, I'm not familiar. Just from a passerby yelling it out his car window at random. There's been a new batch of these Turbo Man dolls come into a toy store across town, and they both race to get there,

and then they get there, and the store owner's like, yes, we've had a batch of dolls, and you're going to get one ball, and we'll do a raffle, which is actually quite a mean way of doing it, like quite a good fair way of selling the dolls. In New Zealand, we say mean for cool sometimes.

And then it's like, and also, due to the nature of supply and demand, the dolls are now worth twice as much. And the two store employers who are just these gargoyles, lackeys, look at each other and nod noddly like, yeah, we are getting them good. Like they're going to get even a goddamn dime. Not how it works.

Mark up. What a great way to run a business though. And this isn't a mall as well. So no one else would be doing this, but it's like they make individual deals to just get a shipment of toys, keep them all in that one outlet, and then just figure out the prices the seasons go and try and make it all work. That's how shops started. They're going back to the original marketplace.

Let the market decide. It's pretty smart. And that lends to a gag that they get right in the movie, which is that they've got none of these Turboman dolls, which does seem unlikely. I'm like, if Turboman's this popular, they're going to make so many dolls. Ramp up production, eh? But they do release a lot of Turboman sidekick.

Is it Boomer? Booster. Booster, who's this anthropomorphic, hot pink, saber-toothed tiger. Yeah. Which sounds awesome right which is just like roundly hated by everyone in the world of the movie yeah it's like it's it's the whole thing's played as a gag like they have too many dolls in the store whenever that's always like we've got boo step on it's like boom get it out of here to the point where at the end, Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Turbo Man accidentally in the Christmas parade.

And there's a guy who comes in as Booster. And Booster gets punched in the face despite being, for all intents and purposes, a perfectly innocent bystander in this story. He gets punched in the face. Gets punched so hard in the face that he is thrown off the float and lands in the street and then played for laughs a bunch of kids set upon him after he's been like punched out while leering adults kind of glare over their shoulders yeah and just these kids beat the shit out of booster after he's been knocked on his ass by someone off the float and that and that's like just to show you how much universally everybody hates booster at all times also how much uh this

movie does not give a fuck they're just like everything everything's a gag i do i love it as well it was uh certainly so pacey oh my god talk about pace so when you're coming from three films named grown-ups to sex in the city 2 and we are your friends you get something like this big flashy never a moment of boredom it's great it's not like it's perfect but fuck it's pretty bloody good it makes sense like it just you can. It's so easy to dip in and out, and all the way along, if you don't like what the set piece is setting up right now, don't worry about it,

because there's another one just around the corner. If you don't like that one, don't worry, there's another one coming just around the corner. We're just introducing the late, great Jim Belushi as Santa Claus in this cameo. A great one. Jim Belushi is alive and well. Is he? Yeah. Oh, fuck, I thought he died is Jim Belushi is alive and well. Is he?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. I thought he died. Oh, that's great. John Belushi died. Oh, my bad. Jim Belushi is the father from According to Jim. Yeah.

I thought he died. Not that I know of. I thought it was like three years ago or so. Was that John Belushi? John Belushi died a while ago because he took too much cocaine. Yeah, I thought John Belushi died like 10 or more years ago. Yeah, he did. Fuck.

Is Jim Belushi walking among us? I'm pretty sure Jim Belushi's doing just fine. These are the questions we ask ourselves. He's cashing in real nice and tidy like on the fact that his older brother or younger brother was funny. He's like shots fired from Camp Montgomery. Seriously. Castle Montgomery has thrown some cannon fire out there. That's right.

And if you're listening at home, Jim, I don't think according to Jim's any good. I think it's a bad show. I don't mind that show actually. It's one of those ones I know I should hate, but there's something about it that I don't hate. It's just background noise. Yeah.

No, it's better than a lot of the other ones, though. How so? Because he's such an asshole that it's funny, and a lot of those shows in that band, in that genre, they're not prepared to make the deadbeat dad deadbeat enough, but according to Jim, he's actually quite a piece of shit. And I dig that. You already know more intricately than I do,

which means a rebuttal is nigh on impossible. It's not a bad show. So, I don't know. What's your take on this whole Arnie thing? Like, should he have been allowed to make as many movies as he did? Absolutely. He's like, he was box office office gold you know that he's not from america right and he's taking all of their jobs i did not know that and that does change my

opinion a lot i just hadn't really thought to ask questions about the accent but uh no now you pointed out build the wall fire arnie in that order oh man what we were talking about as well is the fact that the young boy jamie so this is like arnie's son in the movie would be i'm pretty sure the exact age of patty schwartz you guys delivered to us through a voting process on patreon and fucking cannot stress enough how much god bless you for getting involved with that campaign truly tremendous yeah i don't use that word lightly you don't you use it a lot but never lightly never lightly often and heavily so good so so good to to to see that so many care enough to bust your wallets out.

Where was I going with that? Arnie's son, Paddy, is probably the same age as the boy in this film. So we feel like we were watching how Arnie probably parents off the screen. Yeah. Like this is the upbringing that Paddy Schwartz had. I think the reason, in spite of a lot of his terrible terrible actions the reason that arnie is still likable in this movie is because he always means well he's terribly misguided and like every guiding principle and decision he makes but it's uh because his motivation is so true to get this toy and his approach to life in the film is so simple all

in real life if he's indeed playing himself it's like i cannot begrudge this man any of the decisions he makes because it's like he's a simpleton so yeah it's so straightforward what needs to happen but i would be with you if it wasn't for his temper which flares often and and to pretty big effect in this movie and in increasingly comical fashion. Yeah. There's a lot of cartoon violence, but there's a lot of real violence too. One of the most absurd moments of the film is when Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes frustrated and punches a reindeer in the face.

And then proceeds to, by way of apology, get drunk with it on the front steps of the house. Yeah. Pretty good. That's a funny gag. That is very funny. But punching a reindeer is not something you could get away with, I don't think, if you released a Christmas movie in 2016. You couldn't get away with any of this stuff. Like, we demand too much from our movies now.

Yeah. It's enjoyably dumb. It is, eh? And it does remind you that maybe we've gotten a little bit precious with certain elements. Not all movies need to be, like, tight. Templates for how to live your life. Yeah, and tight stories that are good. It's like, let them run ragged.

Let them have a little bit of gristle, you know? I want to see all of Minnesota, please, because I want a man in a jet pack taking me through it when i buy a movie ticket i want sure i want a little bit of rump you know but i want a little gristle a little fat a little bone i want a little bit of everything in that i like that you want to go you want to go back to denny's like you did as a boy when you went to the cinema rather than I can't even name a fancy restaurant I was in Denny's last night yeah you're in Denny's last night night before last with you yeah I know I thought you'd go I thought you'd enjoyed it so much you'd gone back well someone was I was at a Christmas party the next night and they're like oh you're at Denny's last

night and I went you know what it was actually way more this morning I think, were you at Denny's last night? And I went, you know what? It was actually way more this morning. I think we were there at about 4 a.m. The only time to start, if you want to get a real jump on the day, you've got to get out and get a 3.30. Absolutely. Get yourself to Denny's. Be at Denny's by 4. Yeah. Have an hour-long power breakfast.

Heavy on the eggs and taters. And then- There was a good feed. I was surprised by how good their vegetarian burger was yeah i know how to curl a fry they didn't know how to curl fries had a great chalky shake there it was 4 a.m so you could have literally put slop in a trough in front of me and i would have been grateful I would have turned to the waiter and said, my god this is good, what do you do to it?

And they would have said, we just piss in a trough. And I would have said that is amazing, thank you so much for feeding me. Oh boy. It's good to be back at Denny's. This is a scene where

we have, it's so bad that I've forgotten his name, but the guy who plays Mini-Me. Vern Troyer. Vern. Vern's in this movie, and you pointed out, if the chronology's correct, what are you looking for?

My water bottle, I found it. Oh, good stuff. This was the year before Austin Powers came out, so he's kind of got what would be considered a cameo in this if he was famous at the time. But I don't think he had had any big breakthrough roles. His main role within it is he gets punched and sails comically through the air for about 30 meters through a warehouse. And yeah, I think he probably had Austin Powers booked while he was on set here.

And I'm wondering if he was sort of balling out on set being like i guess he didn't know austin powers was gonna be austin not even mike myers would have known that austin powers was gonna be austin powers yeah that thing was a fucking cultural juggernaut bowl we don't talk about austin powers enough and i don't mean you and i i mean as a people humans don't't talk about Austin Powers enough anymore. I mean, Tim and I are doing our bit, but we feel like we've really, we've bitten off more than we can chew.

We need you guys to start talking about it a little bit as well. It's like climate change. We've all got to do our part for talking, just increasing the international conversation, remembering the importance of Austin Powers. I didn't watch it until about four years after it came out i think and i was blown away really blown away by how funny it was i loved it i loved it so much what was the situation in which you watched it uh uh hayden my school chum introduced me to it

he was just like here's a movie. It's really funny. We should watch it. And we did. And then I think I ended up either taping it off the TV, which used to be a thing that happened, kids, or buying the VHS. And that is the first movie ever, and one of the only ones, where I could do the whole script.

From start to finish. Yeah. You're better at that as a kid, too. I think your brain's a bit more geared for it. Oh, I used to you're better at that as a kid too i think your brain's a bit more geared oh yeah i i used to be so good at that and that is like schoolyard dynamite oh absolutely you show up i mean four four years later is admittedly a little dicey yeah you show up with your electric borat impression four years after borat comes out uh but yeah no that is um i couldn't agree more tim austin powers austin powers every like the merch was everyone was doing their shitty

version of his catchphrases it was yeah it was a brilliant time to be alive and it just dissipated so quickly that's the thing for me and I guess maybe it has everything to do with the sequels yeah you don't mind the second one eh? nah I didn't mind it at all and

I really don't hate gold gold member gold member I also don't remember it particularly well I just remember Goldmember being like Schmock and a pancake Bong and a waffle That's funny

That tickles me to this day Oh boy How did Minnesota wind up with this Stratospheric galaxy of stars It's a weird choice You get a few wider shots of the city And it is With apologies to anyone currently living in Minnesota.

Fucking bleak as hell. Pretty uninspiring. It's winter. Yeah. And to be fair, once you're getting down and dirty within the city and you're in the downtown area, it looks like there's some fun stuff going on. Wow, you don't have to be too kind.

I don't know how big our listener base is. First of all, get the few people who listen to our show then get the portion of that who support us on patreon now think about how many of those people could possibly live in minnesota i'm not safeguarding myself out of fear of retribution from our admittedly strong and devoted minnesotan fan base i am just saying that in this city a few of the places that you can go to and just the general fanfare around the parade it's a pretty high quality parade there's a good turnout there's stuff going on i think as a city architecturally and layout wise it looks pretty uniring. But there's always going to be fun pockets. It's very big of you to admit that.

Very diplomatic. I'm not racing there. I don't know if the Board of Tourism in Minnesota, or whatever you have in Minnesota, Minneapolis, I guess. I don't know if they poured a lot of money into the Minnesotan tourism budget and they were like, we need more people coming here around Christmas we've got a script with Arnold Schwarzenegger who refuses

to do any acting now by the way he'll just be playing himself in Sinbad Sinbad's so funny just to even he was huge at the time this came out wasn't he? yeah he was one of those ones that I think got real fucking massive real quick and then just what was the one where he was a genie i don't know and don't say uh

fuck what was the shaquille o'neal one shazam is that what it was called yeah it's not there i i want to i think maybe i've got this wrong i think sinbad was in a genie one too maybe there was a spate of genie movies at the time. He was in a movie called Houseguest with Phil Hartman. Oh, so this isn't even his first go around with Phil Hartman. It might have been just before that other one. Huh. But I tried to watch Houseguest.

I read someone wrote something like, Houseguest is underrated. If you want to enjoy some good Phil Hartman, watch Houseguest. And I watched 40 minutes of it And I was like This is hot Garbage Yeah I didn't

Might have been tired But I did not continue Have you ever seen What's it called Talk Radio The sitcom he was doing That's what he was doing At the time

When he died That The thing was Joe Rogan's start Of everything What was it It was a sitcom Set in a radio station. It was real good.

I've seen a couple episodes that are on YouTube. Go and check it out, everybody. I'm pretty sure it's called Talk Radio, but maybe it's not. Who fucking knows? Yeah, and if it's not, too bad. You're going to have to work a little bit harder. And as you're doing that, you're going to have to think, do I really want to see this or listen to this?

See this? I want to find out what the kid's doing now in this film jamie young jamie he looks like um anakin skywalker i hate the same kid no it can't be i quite like jamie's performance there's one one take where they took like they took the wrong option and it turns it's on phone, and for some reason, I'm totally just guessing here, it screams to me that Noam was on the other end and they were treating it like a real phone. So he had to pretend with this phone, and he just couldn't pull it off.

Real clunker of a set of lines. One in particular, I can't remember what it is. But apart from that, I find him charming. Yeah. I think he does well. He holds his own on screen with Arnie. No mean feat. And right now...

I would describe him as a real pro. Real joy to work with on set. Yeah, I would also do that. And I believe the directors did, and Arnie did. But right now, he's probably rightfully sulking to him, as is his want throughout a lot of the film the only thing that will placate his frustration and general distress

is going to be this turbo mando yeah and it's pretty remarkable how upset he is and they make a good point of showing how shitty Arnie is at being a dad. He's got every right, this kid, to feel wrong. He's got a lot of cool toys, though. He's got a sick room. Oh, my God.

He's got a feature wall that's just a life-size Captain America mural. It's amazing. He's got an incredible Hulk mask mask on his wall he's got all this kind of not even like fancy lego like uh jamie's life is dope and he does dope shit that's right but you know it still wants arnie howie to be around and um he's like super upset he didn't come and see him get his karate belt uh And it was really important that he did that. And then Arnie's like, look, what can I do? And he's like, what if I got you something sick for Christmas?

And he's like, you can get me this doll. And as soon as Arnie's like, okay, I'm going to get you the doll. He's like, woo, I love you, Dad. You're the best dad ever. Yeah. You're the fucking man. It's crazy. And he's already brought up These other times

I guess that's True to form For being a kid though As well You know Yeah Things are constantly happening You gotta roll with the punches

When you're a kid God you have to roll With the punches They don't let you Hold a grudge When you're a kid Against anyone They really try

And drill that out of you But when you're an adult It's almost like Payback time adult, it's almost like... Payback time. Yeah. Well, it's almost encouraged in a way to hold a few grudges. Can I just let everyone know, it's a bit of context, because obviously you can hear what's happening,

but you can't feel what's happening. I think we are running out of oxygen in the room we're in. It is a thick, wet environment, In the room we're in. It is a thick, wet, kind of damp, hot jungle environment that we're in. But there's a lot of CO2 in the air. And I think way less oxygen than is needed or normal. And it's creating quite an interesting atmosphere. A real sleepy vibe.

And it's creating quite an interesting atmosphere, a real sleepy vibe, and hard to make a distinction between what's true and false and relevant and irrelevant. It's also 12.30 on a Sunday night, I've just seen. Oh, my God. What are we fucking doing at this point, eh? I'm flying home for Chrissy tomorrow in the morning, quite soon. this is the last thing i'm doing in auckland for the year and uh it feels great it's a you know it's a time for reflection it's a time for taking stock of uh you know moments i know that thanksgiving's already been yeah but i would like to say how thankful i am because i feel like

there's a lot of power with that patreon group to determine what movie we were going to watch someone suggested a serbian movie which i think is um it's the title of i'm pretty sure this real fucking clusterfuck of it's you know it's one of those you don't want to fuck around it's like smell you don't fuck around with it um but you guys banded together in the supreme choice was this delightful christmas family movie that's got a bloody beautiful little runtime of an hour 30 and it's got arnie and it's got christmas carols and and it's pretty good and you delivered us that gift instead of

watching us suffer. You were given the choice between here we are, we're captives. You've got us. Okay? We are your prisoners. You can torture the fuck out of us for your own amusement or you can be nice to us and give us bread and water. This movie is the bread and water

from our Patreon group. Yeah, no doubt. I was so... When you told me today, I was like, oh, we're going to watch Jingle All The Way twice. I was so happy. I was over the moon, and I hope that this going on about it

isn't jinxing whatever the next choice is. Well, it's certainly making it interesting, isn't it? Yeah. My strategy was to not say anything. Oh, God. Because I was like... I've blown it. Yeah.

But who's to say what influence that will have? That was great. Another great moment of not high stakes, but just ramping up the intensity. Arnold Schwarzenegger's just kicked the door in at a commercial radio station in an effort to win a Turbo Man doll. And they're about to threaten a huge police force with a bomb.

Yeah. He kicks in the door. He kicks in the door in it. And the glass smashes. And I think what's so funny about it is the camera stays on Arnie. So it's like it's not paying too much attention. But you do see and hear it happening just on screen. What's so funny about it is the camera stays on Arnie. So it's like it's not paying too much attention. But you do see and hear it happening just on screen, only just on screen.

And it's like that's so great that you guys went to the trouble of getting breakable glass in there and making that gag and not focusing on it too much. You didn't oversell it, guys. You got it just right. You were the Phil Hartman of setting up a glass crashing gag Phil Hartman his character does not quite fulfill all of his intended goals at the end of the film

the main goal he has as an extension of the sleazy characteristics he shows is a real desire to have sex with Rita? Rita Wilson Rita Wilson

Who is Liz in this film Arnie's wife Mother of Jamie Wife of Arnie Yeah Conqueror of worlds And he's angling Because Arnie's in such a fluster

In such a frenzy Trying to secure this doll Because as it turns out he used the dollar's leverage to to carry favor with his son yeah and then he went out he was super pleased and he was like telling his wife about liz about how great the experience was and then liz is like oh that's so wonderful hey you got that doll i asked you to get a few weeks ago right and he's like what she's like that turbo man doll that i asked you to get a few weeks ago right and he's like what just like that turbo man doll that i asked you to get a few weeks ago you got that and he's like oh classic classic howie by the way just throws a huge lie out there oh yeah yeah i got the doll and then so the next day he spends the whole day running around town absolutely mad, just trying to secure the stuff. Christmas Eve, P.S. And as this is happening, Phil Hartman is just slip sliding into,

he's filling the void completely and playing the role of like a sleazy male friend with. Which I object to because what I read the subtext of Phil Hartman's character in this film is communicating to us is divorcees can't trust them what a bunch of sinful assholes trying to steal all your women fucking he's kind of he's laying it on super thick but i don't know it's sort of like they've tied up him being the villain of this film with a lot of other stuff like him being divorced which i feel is incongruent and unnecessary oh i i think it's exclusively for comedy and accordingly i think it reflects the times i think it's it's the 90s we still hate people who are divorced let's really pile yeah yeah i do i think there's

an element of that to it for sure that there was that feeling and because in america at the time as well like fucking i think it's actually started coming coming the pendulum swinging back the other way now but divorce was like the highest it's ever been in that late 80s early 90s bit and it was very front of mind being talked about because they didn't quite know what the effects would be and there was a lot of like bullshit research coming out at the time and news people you know ruminating on what the possible effects would be of this generation of families with parents who went together. I love the argument that, I think it's batshit to be like, nope, no divorce.

You said forever. Yeah. Okay? This is better. Yeah. You not wanting to be here but remaining, this is the healthier option. This is better for everyone.

There's a reason we do things the way we do them. You know what our kids benefit from? Two people who hate each other being in their lives forever. It's absolutely bonkers. Have you got your Kinder Surprise toy at arm's length? Go and find it, bro,

because I think that's what we should end this on. I think you need to pop that open. So look, we're rounding off to a conclusive note. Guy got us a a kinder surprise egg each as a little reward um for our efforts this evening i've just cracked mine open because he insisted that i don't look at the toy until right now and i can tell you guys they do not

make these things like they used to i remember as a child getting a metal owl and just being over the moon that's pretty cool shiny metallic it was so good this guy is um it's just two bits of plastic and one of them what does it make kind of looks like a tree trunk well it's it's sort of just the scene of a it looks like a tree trunk but i think it's a muddy river and you put a puma on top of it. Is that a puma? Are they black? A black panther. Oh, a panther. It's a panther. I can't find... Oh no.

That's a real issue. That was going to feel real conclusive. It was going to feel real conclusive says this guy. You probably can't hear what he's saying because he's off mic so he's just kind of muttering to himself over here. When I'm listening to the radio i always like it when i hear background action you like a bit of distance and a sense of the room look can you just put yours back in the can you put yours you're recommending that i back in the

back in the surprise and i'll take it out okay Okay. Okay, so you want me to just put the pieces in as they were before? Yeah, and I'll open it. And you will open it this time. I don't even know if I could actually. It's like trying to reassemble IKEA furniture back to how it came in the box. Couldn't find it. Very bothered.

Oh, do you want me to have a look? That's okay, I've got one incoming. Okay, all right let me just stuff the second bit of plastic and the fuck i don't even know how that fits in there to be honest what a drama how do they do it guys you know you ever get that you've got to get a package or something that fits together and then you try to put it back in the box you go how'd they get in there in the first place? How'd that fit? I do. I think about that often.

It's relatable, Guy. I have just found... What's the deal with airplane food? Kinder Surprise toy. I'm very excited to open it. I didn't open it during the film. I'm looking for you, Owen. This is destroying me. I am now opening it and it has inside of it a small log of wood.

And the wood feels real. Feels damp, like it's been taken from a beach. And on the other part of it is a small octopus. Very small, about the size of, if you put your thumbs together, about that big. And it's wrapped around the piece of wood. So it's a real octopus. It's quite slimy. Wrapped around a little piece of driftwood.

And that is genuinely, to full credit of the people at Kinder, a huge surprise. If not because I saw Tim put back into the container, not moments before, a completely different thing. So I don't know how they've done that. But, I mean, you got me. You got me real good and proper. Look, don't it tim it's a lost it's a lost toy i'll just enjoy this octopus instead it's in there it's in that pile of shit somewhere i reckon it's my mate anyway we digress oh no okay another terrible thing that

arnold schwarzenegger does in this movie is break into Phil Hartman's house and tries to steal the Turbo Man that he's already bought his son because while he's a total creep, he's actually a pretty good dad. He loves that kid. He does love that kid. Right, well, look. This is where it ends. Right now in the movie, we're watching Arnold Schwarzenegger finally come to terms with the fact that he shouldn't be robbing his neighbour's house.

It's quite funny. This is the bit where he punches the reindeer as well. It's quite funny because he does almost burn down Phil Hartman's house in this bit too. And he really gets caught red-handed. Yeah, yeah. Rita Wilson forgives him surprisingly easily for all this bullshit, eh? This is quite a weird one. To be caught in someone's house stealing their Christmas presents

and almost burning their house down and then punching their reindeer. That's pretty intense. He gives her no... As far as she knows, he's just gone to pick up the gift from the office. He's been hiding how distressed things are from her the whole time. So if she comes in and is like, okay, look, so if it's like... He's been hiding how distressed things are from her the whole time. So if she comes in and is like, okay, look, so you're burning the neighbor's house down and stealing toys from under their tree? This is pretty erratic behavior.

This is a conversation. Yeah. At least. Yeah. Decisions need to be made at this point, I think. And you really do get the sense that this isn't the first time he's pulled this kind of shit either. There seems to be a bit of a history of it.

I love that character type, though, of just, hey, you know how I'm going to deal with this problem? Lie my ass off. That'll solve everything. This definitely won't come back to bite me. Yeah. It's always exciting to watch. It is.

It's a very excellent, natural way to just keep those stakes rising all the time. And that's what you look for in cinema. I know that, Tim. Absolutely. The highest stakes. Get a cow, kill it, chop it up, get a butcher involved, barbecue it, put it on the Empire State. I feel like it was important for us to get this first bonus podcast right.

And I think it's fair to say we did that. Nailed it. High five, friend. Merry Christmas to us and to you also. This room, again, I don't want to go on about it, but I just feel we need to keep painting the picture for you real trying circumstances in here we've been watching in an interesting context and that context is we're both about to pass out through lack of oxygen i cannot fathom yeah

the smell it's gonna be hard for you guys at home to know exactly what we went through, but rest assured, it was probably the hottest day of the year today. This room traps it, too. It was a muggy heat, and it was sunny, but then it sort of clouded over just before, so the heat's really trapped. It's really down there. It just stays with you. And it's coming off of us, and it's staying inside of the bounds of the four walls. And I feel like it's now picking up physical density

and pressing down on us. Yeah, like there is going to be resistance when we get up and try and walk out of here. I don't know if you've noticed this, but I've got a very severe hunch on, and I cannot lift my head above my shoulders. Oh, my God. Okay, well, look, we need to

for medical reasons stop this immediately. Guy, thank you for joining me. Thanks a lot for having me. I hope we make it out of this room. And God bless all of you for contributing and listening. Thank you so much. We cannot wait to speak with you in

2017. Yeah, because the Google Hangouts is a thing. Yeah, we'll see you. to speak with you in 2017. For the, yeah, because the Google Hangouts is a thing. Yeah, we'll see you on January 2nd. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. We're not going to, no, that's dumb. I didn't tell you that. I thought that was a dumb idea. It'd be too hard for people to coordinate that.

Okay. But I like that you've put it on the hook now and we'll kind of live feedback it. Well, you said it to me and I was like, well, it's going to be a fucking nightmare for everyone. for everyone let's all no i don't think that was for the we don't need to air our dirty laundry on this okay lots of love i thought it would be very funny it's gonna be that's the rest of the world's first though if it's the second for us that is the day after christ new year's eve for everyone start the year the way you want to end it.

You'll just have six people who are like throwing up in a bucket from the night before trying to talk to us online. How dare you paint all of our listeners with such a wild inebriated brush. I imagine some of them will be Swilling brandy On the On the plains of the Serengeti So still drunk Nope Not sipping I didn't say sipping

I said swilling Okay They'll be Well I look forward to One of us being proved wrong At very soon They'll be swilling it for a whole year Happy Patreon to you all

And to all A good night And On this Hallows Eve it for a whole year happy patreon to you all and to all a good night and uh on this hallows eve uh there may be the first to say have a scary christmas and a spooky new year I can see somewhere in my memory Christmas joys all around me Living in my memory