The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 1

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIREKillionaire is a podcast series tracking Tim and Guy's journey to kill a trillionaire. But first - the pair must make the world's first trillionaire. To aid their plight, Early Edition and it's day-early newspaper pops it's head up and Timbo craves a lil bit of Jennyanydots. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everybody and welcome to the first episode of a little project we're calling Killionaire. It's Tim and Guy here. I will speak for my associate Guy Montgomery. Thank you very much. Get your hands off that introduction. I would actually like to say my own piece about this. What are we doing? Hello, I am Guy Montgomery. I'm joined by my esteemed associate Tim Batt. This is a special Patreon series called Killionaire, which is a podcast in which Tim and I plan... Well, essentially... We're going to kill a trillionaire.

That is what we want to do. And I think the reasons for that should be pretty clear. Yeah. As we understand it, if you kill a trillionaire, they bequeath whatever they have to you, a.k.a. us. Okay. We've got different understandings. What do you understand? I understood it as being almost a moral imperative at this point

that society is so unequal that it was sort of incumbent on us to kill the trillionaire. Both of these things can be true simultaneously. They're pretty aligned. They're pretty aligned. And the thing is, if one person kills a trillionaire, they then have a massive target on their backs because they are the trillionaire.

Two people kill a trillionaire? Can't touch us. That's half a trillion dollars each. We are but paltry multi-hundred billionaires. We're just a couple of rich guys now a lot of people ask me guy how many zeros are there in a trillion and to that i say i'm about to find out using google three million six billion nine trillion uh twelve is it yeah the numbers don't lie so i want if you're if you're sitting here and you're listening

along and you're wondering what that looks like i want you to take out a pen and a pen and write down a one and then follow it with 12 zeros that is the amount of money that we are talking about we're talking about one person going to the trouble of accumulating that much money an amount of money that could literally solve not everything feels like everything but quite a fucking lot um another question that guy montgomery gets quite a lot on the street is how many trillionaires are there walking around among us well as it exists the answer is sadly zero which makes our job as trillionaire assassins incredibly challenging

four there is no one for us to assassinate what does that leave you with it leaves you with a list of the world's wealthiest people people who are knocking on the door of that hallowed trillion dollars but not quite there guy tim how are you going to murder a trillionaire if there isn't one we're going to fundraise we're going to fucking rally the troops around the person who is closest to that number. Yeah. Public ally number one, Jeff Bezos. AKA, I guess some sort of sacrificial Jesus is what we're turning him into. Because we're going to imbue him with all the riches that he wants.

And then we're going to kill him. 100%. Jeff Preston Bezos Born January 12, 1964 Hold on, hold on, hold on What star sign is there if he's Jan 12? This is incredibly important Both to the strategy we will employ

To imbue him with a trillion We'll get him to a trillion dollars And then how we take him the fuck down So glad you asked him Enter the birth date using the selected format. I'm going to take a punt and call him a Gemini, because I think he's a two-faced cad. 19...

What did I say? 1964. The year doesn't matter. Oh, you want, like, his Chinese animal as well? I just want to fucking know. Does that make him an Xer? Why do you have to put his name in on this website for a horoscope? It's Jan.

Was it Jan or June? Jan. Oh, well, then I already know. He's a Capricorn. Of course he is. He was born in Albuquerque, New Mexico, if everyone's wondering. I think every one of my partners has been a Capricorn. How crazy is that?

That is fucking crazy. Weird, eh? Weird that you can make one of them work, been a Capricorn. How crazy is that? That is fucking crazy. Weird, eh? Weird that you can make one of them work, but not the others. What's going on there? Well, as we know, a relationship is solely dependent on your zodiac comparison. Do you know, funny you should bring this up,

I actually got David Farrier, a friend of the podcast, David Farrier, has a fantastic emailing sort of service he provides where he writes actually and you've just started writing recently as well i really are back i really enjoyed your writing thanks you wrote about uh uh sort of an army of anti-cannabis propagandists in new zealand who are trying to infiltrate and sway public opinion as in the lead up to the the cannabis referendum by the way for those of you listening in New Zealand or abroad, I recently smoked weed

for the first time. It's phenomenal. It makes everything a little bit funnier, a little bit brighter. It makes your tummy a little bit hungrier. What the fuck? I have been led to believe that it will cause you to shoot your friends in the head with a gun and drop out of whatever tertiary education it's to shoot your partner.

It will leave some huge holes in your memory where you're not exactly sure what you've done. It is the perfect drug. But he wrote this blog, and it was about, specifically his friend had set up an astrology dating app, which was called, I can't remember its name. It had a very catchy name. It was a cool name.

And inside of it, he'd spoken to various different people involved in astrology and how folks like us, folks like me, as I was reading it specifically, us cishet white fellas are easily dismissive of astrology charts because we lack control over the narrative. We don't understand it, and so we ignore it, and we associate it with sort of being femme or queer I even think it was

we associate it with being bullshit yes but in actuality it's a very gendered issue it's steeped in inherent misogyny so I've tried to soften my I've never thought of myself as dismissive of astrology,

but I certainly haven't embraced it with the same gusto that some people in my life have. And so I'm working on parrying that sort of ironic dismissal towards something that's a little bit more engaged. And that's why I think it's important we get to the bottom of Jeff Bezos' star sign, more specifically his natal chart report so this is thanks to the good folks at cafeastrology.com who are paying us a shitload

of cash fuck i cannot explain to you guys what the sponsorship is worth to us it's worth a lot and the money we might beat jeff bezos and becoming trillionaires first we would sponsorship deal were we keeping the money the money's not for us it It's going straight to the Jeff Bezos trillionaire fund. We're funneling that shit into his pockets. We're fucking lining those with as much cold hard cash as we can because the sooner he's weighed down by the fucking amount of zeros that are in a trillion, the sooner we can take an arrow

and fire it straight through that motherfucking trillionaire's heart. I cannot stress this enough. Guy and I came up with this idea at a party where we were fairly inebriated and it actually it was from our good friend from the prawn salad episode season one episode that's right 29 i think who was snoring a man called nick who was a g a true g not just rg he's the g and he came up with this i don't i can't remember exactly the machinations of the convo but he came up with it. I can't remember exactly the machinations of the convo, but he came up with it.

And Guy and I gravitated heavily toward this idea. 100%. Now, it is critical for us to speed this man to trillionaire status. So you're going to see a lot of stuff in the media about not buying Amazon products. Because he treats his workers terribly and rivals a pharaoh in terms of his slave labour He goes to phenomenal lengths to block his employees from unionising He funnels them into warehouses Environmental degradation, I get it, I get it, I get it

But we all need to buy heaps of Amazon shit So that Jeff can get as rich as possible, as quick as possible. For a fucking start. Jeff Bezos, of course, as you suspected, is a Capricorn. And for anyone who's more interested in it, he's a Zodiac Troll. I don't know what any of this stuff means. Which is rising. Read some shit out, man.

What have we got here? We need the intel. This is critical information. Each paragraph we're into, this is all just qualifiers here. So it says, It says, Hello, welcome to Cafe Astrology. Please do not take this too literally.

And if you do, please don't sue us for any results. Capricorn has a feet on the ground, eye on the prize sign. Those with sun and Capricorn have a realistic, grounded approach to life that can be seen no matter how dreamy the rest of the birth chart suggests. These people know how to do things and to get things done and if you have to cut a few corners and treat a few people as subhumans to get it done so fucking be it jeff these people are some capricorns naturally turn their backs on things they seem they deem too frivolous like workers rights or tax they're very much concerned with things that are worthwhile, money, and that includes their own lives, wives, affairs, being an absolute...

Lives, wives, affairs, how many tickets, kittens, mittens. Capricorns want to do and be something worthwhile. They want to upend the traditional means of publishing books and shopping. Is that on there? Is that in the chat? No, there's a few flourishes. Oh, you're getting some inferences. Yeah. Capricorns like to pare things down, like workers' rights, or

tax, and take pleasure in the simple things in life, like not paying tax, or stripping your workers of their rights. However, many are attracted to status symbols, and these ones will wear the best clothes, in parenthesis, tasteful ones, and these ones will wear the best clothes, in parenthesis. Tasteful ones.

And drive quietly impressive cars. Quietly impressive. I'm hearing Audi. What do you think of when you hear quietly impressive? Well, I don't hear anything at all, Tim, because I think of a Nissan Leaf. Oh. An electric car. I don't think you're doing... So quiet, it's barely there at all.

You're not doing that well if you've got a Leaf. Say that to any of the number of Nissan Leaf drivers in Auckland, New Zealand. They all appear to have their heads screwed on pretty fucking tight. You've got to get the Gen 2 of the Leaf. Don't get the Gen 1 because they've got the bad batteries in them, as everyone knows. Ah, the iPhone of e-cars? Yeah. The more electronics you put into your stuff that wasn't electronic before,

the more bullshit you're going to have to contend with. Capricorns like to pare things down and take pleasure. I've read this. Comparing Capricorns

to their symbol, the goat brings up some interesting analogies. Solar Capricorns can send to the future and plan for it. Hold on.

This is a star sign with his feet on the ground, focused, goal orientated, knows how to get what he wants, can see into the future. Hold on. What? Can see into the future? That's right. My man's a soothsayer.

This Dr. Evil looking motherfucker is able to project mentally into a time we cannot detect. Are we talking about Jeff? And bring hidden forbidden knowledge back. Are we talking about Jeff? And bring hidden, forbidden knowledge back. Are we talking about Jeff Bezos in the year of our Lord 2020? Or are we talking about Gary Hobson of Chicago, Illinois, who works at the Chicago Sun-Times newspaper and receives it? No, he doesn't work there.

Early edition. That's fucking right. How do you know his name? I'm on the wiki. What was the cat's name? Because it was all about the cat. The cat was critical. His newspaper is

delivered by a mysteriously unknown entity at least once each day and is accompanied by a ginger tabby cat. Ah. I actually...

The cat was the spirit of the man. Yeah, well I have a Gumby cat. In mind? I. Her name? Yes.

You'll never know. With the first copy arriving every morning at 6am, no matter what its physical location is. That was the biggest cock tease I've ever received from you. I feel blue-balled. Well, blue balls isn't a thing, Tim. Yeah. Blue balls is just a fucking learned way of adolescent boys

tricking their unfortunate partners into fellating them before anyone is comfortable with that taking place absolutely correct however you knew exactly what i meant by using that turn of phrase yeah you meant that i need the sweet relief of a bar or two of jenny any dots oh that is her name anyway did you forget no jeff bezos is a capricorn Early Edition is an all time television program And Capricorns are goats Jeff Bezos is the goat Greatest of all time in terms of

Earning, saving and withholding money From charitable Organizations, people who need it His employees Literally anyone What we need to do Tim Is accelerate his rate of earning Right now, Jeff Bezos' net worth Is, take a guess, what do you think it is?

Okay, okay, let me do the math on this. The man launched the website in 1994, almost, yeah, pretty recently, 1994. Carry the two. I think his current net worth is 300 billion US dollars. Too high. Okay okay what is it 166.3 billion us dollars almost doubled it 166 yeah that is a paltry amount that's embarrassing for him it's ridiculous this guy well current projections according to our friends at the economic times even as the coronavirus pandemic rages across the world, the world's riches are estimated to grow their wealth in the coming years.

I don't have time to unlock these fucking features of your website. Guy is contending with a gauntlet of pop-ups. According to a report, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos could potentially become the world's first trillionaire as early as 2026. Oh, that gives me goose pimples just thinking about it. Because then we're allowed to kill him. If we let nature run its course, we're going to have to wait another six years before we get our hands on some high-grade weaponry and $1 trillion split two ways.

We need to go earlier because, to be frank with you, I think the ocean rise might have taken us all out by then. So we need to get this shit cracker-lacker. Now, can I put this to you? How realistic do you think it would be for us to change the law? Like maybe international law, maritime law. I don't know how these things work. So in our favor, we can be sort of defended. Could we make a law that it's like murder is illegal,

addendum, unless they're a trillionaire? I think in the eyes of society, what we do will be deemed as okay. We got the people on our side. And if it was to take another six years, there might be enough time for broader society to dismantle the oppressive structures that are currently in place which prevent people like us from murdering trillionaires like future Jeff Bezos.

Do you think that's what Black Lives Matter is about? Absolutely not. Okay, cool. Just checking. I think, though, that if we... You think that's their goal? To establish a system where we're legally allowed to kill jeff bezos i don't think that that is anywhere on their mandate i don't think that exists inside of the very important work happening with the black lives matter movement i do think

if change is enacted it might become a little bit easier to sweep a murder of a trillionaire under the rug yeah potentially i i just can't help but feel like we've we've got the numbers you know like the warm bodies on the ground they're pro this i think on the whole we need to start small the thing with murder is though it's not really a matter of democracy and i think on the whole that's probably a good thing it's not like we can vote in a room and get a majority of 51 of people to vote to kill one person in the room there's gotta have some baselines and i guess that's what a constitutional democracy is all about you can't we can't do this by we can't do this by vote

because that's like that feels like some sort of capital punishment type thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Here's the thing. Jeff Bezos is basically going to be a scapegoat, okay? And in some ways, so are Guy and I, in that we are sort of absolving this world of some of its sins. And look, are we going to have to serve some time for that? Maybe. Hopefully not.

Hopefully not. I don't think we'd last very well in prison. I think we're getting too bogged. We've got weak little bodies. We're getting bogged down in the legalese too early. There's a reality TV show. I've forgotten what it's called.

It might be Alone and they just drop you in the forest or something. I've never watched it. My friend was telling me this who's a big survival guy. This is one of the weakest starts to an anecdote I've ever heard. There's a reality TV show I don't know the name of, nor have I seen, but allow me to tell you about it.

So they drop a person just in the middle of fucking nowhere, and you've got to survive, and they just film you doing it. Very, like, kind of quite fascinating, quite voyeuristic. Survival porn, right right but the people who always without exception apparently last the longest are the larger people the people with a bit more body weight a bit more fat on them um like two or one they're always the people who survive the best and the longest because they've got a bit of cushion you and i we don't have that man in difficult situations we go down quick uh we don't have a lot of a lot of give to us you know there's not a lot of leeway in these on these bodies hang on meal meal to meal what i'm trying

to talk to you about tim is the fact that we don't need to worry about the legalese of this yet okay there's a problem for six years from now things going well maybe a year from now things going really well maybe a month from now what we going really well, maybe a month from now. What we need to worry about is getting the money into the hands, pockets, bank accounts, lives, and heart of Jeff Bezos. Currently, $160, $70 billion, projected to be at a trillion by 2026. People are already using Amazon. Even when they don't want to against their better instincts The convenience is too great They've managed to price out other competitors

And create a reliance What do people call it? The convenience economy Or something to that effect Sounds right to me Sometimes you don't even know you're using Amazon Because you're using a service that's on their servers Their servers deal with something like a third of all web traffic

This is the shit I'm talking about we need to take our fundraising to a different place i'm talking about sausage sizzles outside hardware shops i'm talking about selling chocolate bars door to door i'm talking about fundraising and your traditional fucking intermediate school sense okay talking about getting enough money to get a sports team, a ticket on an airplane to go and play a different sports team in a different part of New Zealand. That's kind of fundraising. Selling biscuits.

Cooking biscuits. Yeah. Cookies for our international listeners. I'm actually just looking out the window here from where we're recording, and do you know what I can see, Guy? A rainbow. And in the same way that a rainbow was produced by God to Noah to indicate, I promise I won't flood the world again, I'm taking this as a bit of a green light for us i think it is

some cosmic force on high giving us a sign that what we're plotting right now is morally good it's on the level and it's acceptable morally neutral at worst here's the plan tim and i will use this podcast kill your near in the immediate term as a brainstorming means of fundraising for jeff bezos once we are satisfied that we either have helped them raise the money or he is in a position that the money will be in his pocket sooner than anticipated we can then start planning the second part of the killian air strategy which is of course to murder jeff bezos this is what's important what are we up against here we're up against the legal ramifications of

committing a murder we're up against the fact that jeff bezos as a capricorn has the powers imbued upon the character from early edition and can see into the future is he aware of this conversation taking place no because it's happening right now. Is he vaguely peripherally aware that he's put a giant fucking tiger on his back by behaving like some sort of monster with latent disrespect for anyone in the world who is not him? Probably a little bit.

He looks like a comic book villain. He's got real Lex Luthor vibes, doesn't he? The guy knows what he... He knows the vibe. Here's what we know. We're Tim and Guy. He's Jeff Bezos. We're going to get him to a trillion dollars,

and then we're going to kill him. We're going to get you to a trillion, and then we're going to get you, Jeff Bezos. This is a Patreon exclusive. While the concept's exciting, we ask of you not to talk about it in public forums. Oh, yeah. Part of the reason this is walled-off content

is because, you know, I think we probably should explicitly state on the first the reason this is walled off content is because you know i think we probably should explicitly state on the first episode this is all comedy wink this is all just for humorous comedic effect wink wink and we don't mean any of the things that we say in this podcast series nudge nudge or wink wink say no more say no more do you know what I mean? Does she go though? Obviously, we're not actually going to murder Jeff. He's working so hard right now. You should see it. It's crazy. Thank you for joining us on this journey.

We hope you've enjoyed the first sort of, I guess, explanatory episode of the podcast. Essentially introducing the broader concept yeah um if you've got any ideas is there a forum on patreon can people communicate with us directly through the patreon my dog your complete ignorance of the platform we have been using to get money for the last three years astounds me there is a comment section under every post please leave your feedback in that comment section we would happily receive it we'll gobble it up and we'll spit some of it back out on this i reckon we need to start with your grassroots fundraising ideas that's the first thing we want from you we

want to know how you would go about raising it doesn't have to be a lot to begin with. $50, $100, $200 in a weekend for our boy Jeff. Fucking sound off in the comments, like and subscribe. Or else we will die. Will we? Yeah. That's a part of the stakes I didn't understand. Our lives are under threat as well. No, no, no, we're fine.

We're fine. Just as long as people like and subscribe. They can't even subscribe to anything. I'm talking out my ass. We'll see you on the next episode of Killian here.