The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 10

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIREAfter jogging slightly more than 1,000km, Guy is at Nursultan Nazarbayev International Airport under the watchful eye of a travel agent. He has four days until his flight so might go and visit the sights and sounds of the Kazakh capital. Meanwhile in NZ, Tim is back on the airwaves and broadcasting his hit music radio show in between converting gulags into schools and kitchens into pools. Prime Minister Jenny Shipley has been reinstated and she keeps building prisons but at least there are no more chemtrails and Tim enthusiastically describes his living situation in NZ as "unsafe". Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everybody, Tim here, broadcasting from Aotearoa on Radio Freedom. No Stephen Tindall, all the hits. Okay, we're in an air break. Hey hi how you going i'm all right man whereabouts are you right now where am i so glad you asked i'm at nurse sultan nazarbayev nazarbayev international airport fantastic so you're ready to get on the plane, come back home to New Zealand? All going to plan. It has not been easy getting here. I'll bet.

What happened after that phone booth incident? Wow. The good thing about being completely shaven is you're incredibly slippery. You're a slippery fish. That's right. I had some oil. I've been carrying a small hip flask that I was given to drink vodka from, but I've filled it with oil.

And so as everyone was approaching, they could see me in there, oiling up. They tried to grab me. It was almost cartoonish to think of it now. And I just slipped right through the group, and I started jogging. the great thing is tim i've been working really hard on getting into peak physical condition this year i've been training i've been learning about um aerobic you know about heart rate zones and if you stay in that aerobic zone you feel like you can run forever and run forever I did. Tim, it's a non-too-minor 1,005 kilometers from Novelisbrisk in Russia to Nursultan. How long do you think it would take me to jog 1,000 kilometers?

Did you jog the entire way? A hundred percent. Oh, my God. I mean, no less than 25 days, surely. Well, I did it in a week. Oh, my god. I mean, no less than 25 days, surely. Well, I did it in a week. Oh my god. That is almost literally a superhuman performance from you. In fact, I think it is. Yeah. There was some altitude, there were some mountains. You just powered through.

Didn't stop once. My god, man. What have you been eating? Eating? Yeah. Can't even remember what the word means. Wow. That's incredible. Well, I'm very excited that you're coming back.

I really am. Things are looking a little bit better here in New Zealand. I think it'll remind you a bit more of your old home. By the way, you're listening to Killianair, the only podcast wherein Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery raise funds for Jeff Bezos with an idea of getting him over a trillion dollars so they may then eliminate him We got a little bit sidetracked, fair to say, because we came up with a plan,

which Guy then had to insert himself into. It was dependent on me getting some Novichok and us getting a job working at the cafeteria, the canteen, or doing the catering at Amazon HQ. Obviously, getting over to Russia, securing the Novichok, getting it in my pocket, getting it into Tim's hands, getting it into the cooking, was a bit more work than anyone could have anticipated, but God willing, if I can just get on this plane. Yeah. Have you still got any of the Novichok left?

I've been nibbling on the Novichok for... You said, what have you been eating? Yeah. I've been eating a little bit of Novichok. That's actually really fucking smart, dude. You're, and it's kind of fitting that you're in, well, we were in Russia doing this as well, because you're like Rasputin.

I am like rah- rasputin you're um insulating yourself from the poisons effects so if anyone eventually does try to poison you with novichok i'm really won't be able to i'm really upset i didn't get to um walk the rasputin penis trail from glittering museum to glittering museum try and track down which one's the real one yeah alas that'll be for a different trip if I'm allowed back in Russia, which I am legally not. Right. But what are they going to do? Kidnap you and poison you with Novichok?

Guess what, fuckos? This guy is how many steps? Like 1,000 kilometers? 1,005 kilometers ahead of you? 1,002 kilometers. There you go. Away from you. Pretty cool.

And that's only if you're in Novosibirsk. Which you are right now. No, no2 kilometers. There you go. Away from you. Pretty cool. And that's only if you're a novice at brisk. Which you are right now. No, no, I'm a nurse sultan. Oh, sorry. Of course,

my mistake. Dude, you've got to learn your nurse sultans from your novice at brisk. I really do. So do you want to hear

what's been going on with me? More than anything, man. I'm back on the radio. Congrats. Yeah, thank you. Stephen Tindall's out. Things are returning to normal we've got a are you in the sky tower still i'm not in the sky tower but the aerial broadcasting my radio is just pretty cool my radio show is coming out there just in the sky

tower well you know because you got to put the area somewhere we're at all sky tower's tallest building in new zealand southernisphere when it went up. People keep saying that. Is it true? Dunno. Unverified. It's an insane claim, isn't it? Tallest in the Southern Hemisphere?

It's like, oh, okay. Who cares? Who splits the world into hemispheres? Exactly. Why is it? No. Say it. There's nowhere in the Northern Hemisphere that has the same seasonal calendar as us.

I don't think so. I don't think that's how it works. And on the equator, do they have seasons? I think it's less seasonal. Way less seasonal. What's the most equatorial? Ecuador. Ecuador?

Yeah. Equatorial Guinea? Yeah yeah one of those two i reckon have you got a laptop there i feel like i can hear you tapping away on a keyboard oh no that's the travel agent oh okay yeah they keep holding up a big picture and looking at it and then looking over at me oh okay and now they're typing pretty urgently on their laptop picture yeah like they're holding up what looks like a picture like a photo i can kind of see through it kind of looks like a photo of me and then they keep typing on their computer is that a worry because it sounds like it might be a wanted poster i don't think it's a wanted poster okay as you were when is the flight expected guy because i'm a little bit nervous that you're not going to get out of... Why? You booked it, Tim. You tell me.

Do you not know? No. Okay, hold on. The deal was, I get to nurse all time... Hold on, I'm getting my phone. I got some good news and I got some bad news. Go ahead. You haven't missed the flight.

Fantastic. The flight is in four days. From now. Four days? Yeah. Wow. I've got two options. As I see things, I could stay at the airport, the fantastic Nursultan Nazarbayev International Airport,

or I could get out and explore Nursultan itself, the capital of Kazakhstan. I think it would be a crime to not get out and explore the Kazakh capital. Is that what you say? Kazakh? I'm not sure. I think there's a river that runs through Nur-Sultan. This is one of the things that you can find out on your travels. Okay, that woman's calling over some other people, and they're looking at the photo, and then they're looking at me too.

Okay, what's the vibe? Do they look like, like we got to get a present for that guy because it looks like he missed a birthday there's a guy in a suit who's on the phone and he's walking over here okay okay he's walking right up to me oh he's gone right past me oh well then fine it's probably they're probably looking at someone behind you or something. I wouldn't worry about this at all. It seems like everything's going to be hunky-dory. So you're on the radio. Yeah. Hey, man.

Look at me rocking out. I'm on the radio. Who's that? System of a Down? I'm not sure. Do you know that song? I don't know that song, no. Neither.

That's great, man. Yeah, we took down Stephen Tindall But we've sort of reclaimed the infrastructure That he put up Which has been cool That sounds borderline No no no it's totally sweet So for example he had built some gulags

And we've turned them into schools What's a gulag? Gulag is a prison You're teaching kids in prisons? No because now they're schools We're teaching kids in prisons? No, because now they're schools. We're teaching kids in schools. Schools were gulags. What do the gulag schools look like?

They're pretty... I would describe them as industrial in appearance. That sort of raw, unvarnished look. That's quite popular now. A lot of concrete. A lot of steel. look that's quite popular now yeah it's a lot of concrete yeah a lot of steel yeah yeah that kind of vibe quite like secure would be a word that i would use to describe the look of them yeah um but the kids having a good time are they yeah they are they really how do you know

because i volunteer down there to volunteer at the school i'm teaching swimming you teach swimming yeah you're a good swimmer no can you swim yeah yeah can the kids no absolutely not where are they swimming it's not like a gulag to have a pool well this is the thing i'm telling you we're reclaiming all the infrastructure so what have you turned into the pool we flooded a kitchen that is not that is not good that is not good pools need to have filtration systems they need to be built for that specific purpose there's not true you can't re-appropriate a kitchen that's absolutely not true we've used the extractor fan as a water circulation system we've put some filters in there no it's working very well it's working very very well we had a few initial problems with the electrics because um we thought we had shut off the circuit that ran into the kitchen

before we put all the water in but we actually missed um what does that mean well so you know you know how electricians say that water and electricity don't mix? Yeah. That's a lie. They actually mix too well, if anything. I see. I've always wondered about that. Yeah.

We thought we had shut off all the electricity going into the kitchen before we flooded it to turn it into a school pool. But unfortunately, there was still an operative circuit that was uh running into the microwave okay and so when we flooded it um that short-circuited and we no real good way to sort of say this because it was sad news we lost a few people in that that's that's one of the reasons that you put water in pools why well because the the pool is built for the the water well it is a pool now it's a pool of water it used to be a kitchen

i mean yeah on a technicality you've got me but i feel like my point stands. You killed people? We didn't kill... That is such a gross misreading of the situation. We built a school. No, you didn't. And we're teaching kids to swim. Repurposed a prison. Which is very important in Aotearoa, New Zealand, because we lose too many people to drowning every year. Well, what's the point in teaching them how to swim

to save on, you know, fatalities if you're taking out the same number of people? Hey, listen, man. Listen to me. We didn't intend to kill anyone by electrocution. Did Steve Tyndall kill anyone? Technically, like, I don't think so. But it was headed that way. You know what I mean? What do you mean? I mean it was headed that way you know what I mean what do you mean

I mean it was headed that way it looked like he might it looked like things were going to get real dastardly so you overthrew someone who had that's interesting that's not really how we've been describing it

ourselves have you been describing it we re-established a government. Who's in charge? Right now? Don't tell me it's Jeremy. It's not Jeremy. He is the Deputy Prime Minister.

Is he still working as a chippy? Yeah, he is. How's that going? Really well. He's enjoying himself. The good thing about Deputy PM is that It's more of a ceremonial role So he doesn't have a lot of stuff to do in the government But he likes cutting ribbons

Because he's often worked on the building That he's opening He's one of the finest chippies in all the land You'll never guess who's Prime Minister though No I won't Jenny Shipley Former Prime Minister Former Prime Minister Jenny Shipley Former Prime Minister Wow

Former Prime Minister Jenny Shipley Yeah we put her back in Didn't she get rolled Last time Yes she did What for And she's very recently

Been facing a Court case Which was threatening To put her in prison And we thought Who better To take the reins Than someone who is

Experienced both with The Prime Minister's office And the judicial system intimately. Jenny Shipley. That's who we need. And how's it going? Really bad. Really bad. Why?

Well, despite the fact that we've got a few more schools open, she has been building a lot more prisons. And we haven't been able to keep up with the pace of turning the prisons back into school so really now we've just got more prisons and unfortunately it's one of those situations where like you know when you build a really good road and it draws more cars onto the yeah i don't want to come home no i think you should i don't want i want to stay in new sultan i think you should come really i think you should come over here i don't know about that it just feels like there's work to be done here there's a lot of prisons going up that we got to turn into schools man those kitchens like themselves the whole system you're running is a mess i'm not running it what is your involvement how senior are

you well it depends it depends how you look at it. Okay, I'm looking at it from a corner in the International Airport at Nur-Sultan. I am what I would describe as a member of a extra-governmental organization. What does that mean? Are you in the news? Is your name in the news

frequently i'm not part of the government apparatus per se but i'm trying to do my bit to improve the country flooding kitchens turning gulags into schools those are your two big ticket items yeah what does jenny think of you jenny is not happy with what we're up to. That is for sure. Why? Because she wants the Mr. as gulags. She keeps building prisons, man. We keep turning them into other things. I'd be frustrated if I was her, so I do understand it.

But I guess we've just got a difference of opinion. I just think... Like... I know that Steve wasn't necessarily doing it all for the right reasons. And he was putting a lot of chemtrails in the air. Is that right? Yeah. You got any chemtrail issues still?

Not anymore. Do you miss the chemtrails? A lot. Because you described it as an issue, but one person's chemtrail issue is another person's pharmaceutical upper. Yeah. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean.

The country was in a good mood. You know when the All Blacks win? It was like that all the time. That's a good feeling if you feast every day then when will you feast every day well you won't know it's a feast because it's no you just said i mean it's in the saying you just said it in the first bit no but if we feast every day when we fed all the time if you become accustomed to eating a perfect meal every day then when will you appreciate eating a perfect meal fucking every day what bit will you appreciate eating a perfect meal? Fucking every day. What bit of this aren't you getting?

You've laid out the groundwork in the first half of the idiom. I'm trying to present to you that the context shifts and is stripped away. I cannot follow what you're saying. If we're feasting every day, we're feasting every day. She's putting up prisons. I'm flooding kitchens. We're doinging every day. She's putting up prisons. I'm flooding kitchens. We're doing our own thing.

But the important thing is, I think, that you come back. Because we don't have chemtrails anymore, and that feels like progress to me. What awaits me when I get back? Am I going to have to be quarantined? No, not anymore. We did away with all that guff. Look, it's a more functioning democracy than when Stephen was in charge, that's for sure. What about before then?

It's less functioning than compared to that. But not by heaps. Is there any desire to... Return to the old times? I think we've moved on. I think we've moved past it a little bit. Things are just moving a little bit faster now safe is a very comparative term i wouldn't say that i feel safe feel unsafe i would say i feel unsafe oh fuck hold on for a second

that was Bruce Springsteen and this is Kiss Detroit Rock City alright sorry I'm back that's okay hiya I'm just um I'm waiting for a plane

where have I come from who are you talking to guy well I'll tell you. Where have I come from? Who are you talking to, Guy? Well, I'll tell you where I haven't come from. And that's Novosibirsk. Guy, is that the big guy who was looking at you? Yeah. No.

Shit. It's a funny thing to say. I know. Why would I say that specific place? Just because I'm going to remove all the places i haven't come from one by one and then eventually you'll by process of elimination you'll find out where i have come from guy you sound incredibly stupid this is my also have not come from moscow my god i have not come from omsk i have not come from Mongolia. I've not... Guy, my name...

You need to get out of there, dude. Yeah, I know my name. Guy, get out of there. You want my name? Get off the phone and just, like, you need to figure out a way to get out of here. What do you want my name so badly for? What the fuck? I have to tell you my name.

What are you going to do? You're going to shoot me if I don't tell you my name. Okay. Well, now i've heard everything