The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 11: Julian vs Ryan

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Julian is a competitor who has been lubricating the ole brain box and is currently hosting a dinner party while he pitches a new TV show. Meanwhile, Ryan is very sober (even more so comparatively) and wants Guy to start a consultancy in Las Vegas that's got bit to do with jet propulsion and a little to do with dick-shaped objects and a lot to do with Werner Herzog. But there's a twist and you're going to need to check out the full episode to find out what!Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Killionaire.

Yes, let me get to it. Killionaire. It's a buzz. Everybody's talking about it. I can't figure out where to look. I'm so excited. Everyone wants to be a part of it and everyone wants to figure out what's going on. People are fucking climbing over each other for a slice of the Killianere pie. But you don't need to worry, guys. Guess what? You made it. You're here. You're inside the Killianere clubhouse. Yeah. It's an open invitation, but not everyone gets to talk. Only those who have submitted pictures ahead of time get to. And us also. we get to talk

freely yeah i'm tim bat and he's tim bat and today we will be joined by julian and ryan these mother flippers are going to tell us their idea on how to fundraise for people who are already rich beyond literally any of our comprehension and then assuming it goes well and one of those people gets to a trillion dollars, they're going to tell us a little bit about how we might hypothetically eliminate them. Can you do me a favor, Guy? Yeah.

Can you just go that way a little bit and see how this is? Yeah. Do you want me here? Yeah, I just want it more centered. That's nice. Perfect. Do you know what?

It's important that we do that on the show. People will be looking and they'll be racked off. Yeah. They need to understand how it works uh so without further ado let's say hello to our two pitchers today uh hello to you julian how are you i'm very good how are you guys oh whoa i'm i i thought i was doing pretty well but hearing the way you said very good makes me feel like maybe i'm only okay i liked how you leaned into the webcam as if we are inside the laptop okay so here's here's the thing i've been drinking since our original

recording thing yes so i'm pretty lubricated yes julian's blowing the cap off here's what happened earlier today julian was involved in another pitch session. All the technology failed, but most importantly, the internet failed. So just as we were getting to Julian's pitch, so what we've decided to do is throw Julian against a different opponent later in the day. And in the meanwhile, Julian's been lubricating the old brain box. In the meanwhile, because I was emailing with Julian, and Julian, you told me you're having a dinner party.

And I said, Julian, please do not curb the dinner party for Killian here. And you said, I can make this work. And now we're all here. We're all together. It's great to have you. They're all very excited about this. Are they all still there? Yeah.

They're all fans. Oh, for fuck's sake. No, this is great. This is perfect. We want as many people implicated as possible. That's how sentencing works. If there's more people, you spread the sentence. Yeah, okay.

That's great. I love that, Julian. Thank you. And today, Julian, you'll be pitching against Ryan. Hello, Ryan. Hi, how are you doing? We are so well. How are you doing?

Where are you in the world? I'm doing well. I'm in Portland, Oregon. We've been to portland oregon a few times beautiful part of the country we love portland yeah um what's the time there but we also love the police i'm like you godless mushroom merchants it's uh 7 30 p.m it's dark and rainy which is par for the course Do you go for walks in the winter in Portland? Is that a sort of thing you'd do?

Yeah, it is. It's really walkable. I mean, like 30, 35 Fahrenheit. So not that bad. It feels like about 12 degrees or something. Yeah, 12 or 15. A little bit cooler. It sounds lovely.

I mean, I just remember tree-lined streets. Yeah. Really, like, decent-sized blocks. Not too big, not too little. It's a satisfying place to walk. When we were walking around Portland, Oregon, it felt like being in a rich part of New Zealand. It did, yeah.

It was, like, leafy and beautiful. That might be a reflection on the part of Portland we were in. That's true. Because I'm sure if we walked for long enough, people would feel like we were in an ordinary part of New Zealand. That's true. All right. Let's get to business. We are here to figure out how to get a billionaire across the line to a trillion dollars,

and then, let's say, disperse the funds through any mechanism necessary. That's right. To help us decide the running order of the pitches, I am going to choose a number between one and one billion uh i will ask you both to guess the number starting with ryan whoever is closest gets to pick the order 825 000 okay nice even one that's really high 351. 351. Yeah. Congratulations to you, Julian,

for your dog shit guess because I wrote down the number 500. Are you serious? Oh, you did. Look at that. Madness. So, Julian, you have the honour of deciding if you'd like to pitch first or if you'd like to hear what Ryan has to say and then have your wicked way with us. Okay, I'm going to go first. Good on you yeah ryan please hold on the line while i

mute you all right julian go ahead in your own time um okay uh so uh my idea is pretty simple, and it's for you guys to host a TV slash survival show that is reminiscent of the movie The Hunger Games. So we can talk a little bit about what the style exactly is. But the premise, as I'm sure you know, is there's 10 participants and these participants will be the world's 10 top billionaires, which I have a list here of. So their names are Elon Musk, Bernard Arnault, Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Larry Page, Warren Buffett, Larry Ellison, Sergey Brin, Mark Zubikberg, and Steve Ballmer. And the idea behind this thing is like whoever wins or effectively kills

another billionaire inherits the riches of that billionaire that they've killed. Also, they inherit the riches of anyone who... the riches of any billionaires whose that billionaire has killed. So effectively, at the end of this Hunger Games type of enterprise, you have one very rich person who is over the trillion dollar mark by quite a bit. It's about $1,394 you should host this show as part of like the Kelly Nair TV thing. And as an added bonus, you can like pitch this almost as a Super Bowl type of event

that everyone wants to watch. So there's some added money from the ad revenue that's going to come out of this. this now I'll be completely honest with you I did a little bit of research on this and the the ad money that's gonna come from that is not gonna even scratch at the trillion dollar thing this people are very rich they're very rich so it's not gonna it's not gonna make even like 1 billion dollar difference but you know it's not going to make even like $1 billion difference. But, you know, it's like a little bit of extra money there. So maybe they're interested in that.

Now, as I said, at the end of this show, reality TV show of sorts, you have a winner. And that winner will be crowned in a podium. And here's the beautiful part. As part of this pitch, in the podium, as they're being crowned the world's first trillionaire, surprise, trapdoor. Okay. Classic.

Classic, classic. And then you're already rid of that. You obviously signed some contracts in advance so that all the money goes straight to you that's it it's beautiful and it's simplicity yeah it is i've um guys got questions i've got i've got some questions the first one actually there was only one billionaire on that top 10 list and you you might not know a lot about them i certainly don't but is the name sir jay brin yeah do you know anything about this billion yeah i did a little bit of research about him um he he he has um done some uh investing in things uh um yeah i mean most of these people are like investors or they started a company or something. I actually did a ranking

of all these 10 billionaires if you're interested in it. My top choices are either Jeff Bezos or Larry Ellison. I think they're like none of them are the youngest ones, but they're the ones that are the fittest. So I think one of those are going to win. But it doesn't really matter because ultimately you're going to get all the money. That's right. But I do keep saying Bezos looks strong. Do you know who I would pick to win? Of the names that you listed in a Hunger Games style survival of the fittest competition.

Can I guess? Are you going to say Steve Ballmer? Yeah. Yeah, he's got an intensity that is quite intimidating. Unrivaled. Unrivaled amongst the pack.'s 65 though i know it doesn't matter brother he's got he's got that edge yeah he's got the spirit of a sort of a silverback and it's and it's pomp speaking of drinking and i know i've brought this up at least once before on the podcast but uh are you familiar with the balmer

curve i'm not julian steve barmer when he was in charge of a bunch of programmers at microsoft uh noticed that after something like two and a half beers maybe one and a half beers was like the perfect amount of alcohol for them to be the best at their job because it invoked a little bit of creativity loosen them up just a little bit and it was like the optimum working condition For the amount of booze That they should be while coding I mean famously Only a maverick would figure that out

A little bit under two beers is about as good as you'll feel all night The rest of these fucking squares Wouldn't let their workers Wouldn't experiment with their blood alcohol levels For a productivity experiment You know what I mean? Yeah I do know what you mean All of these billionaires We assume are going to willingly levels for a productivity experiment you know what i mean yeah i do know what you mean um so

sorry i got all of these all of these billionaires we assume are going to willingly their desire and i i like this but i'm also asking questions about it they have a desire to become a trillionaire to the extent to which they're willing to risk their lives publicly they know what they're signing up for when they agree to enter this Hunger Games-esque scenario. Yes, and I will be completely honest with you. I think there's one billionaire here that might not sign up for it, and that's Warren Buffett. He's a little too old, but you know what? He kind of knows what's up as well, don't you think?

He's the most philanthropic of the lot. His whole thing is he keeps giving it away. Yeah, he does, and he keeps giving it away. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he does. And he keeps saying like, hey, guess what? People who have as much money as me are obviously on the wrong side of history. Like, I don't think he'd be coaxed into this game show idea as easily as a Musk or a Bezos. I mean, if we're clearing by, what do you say, 300?

Yeah, exactly. You don't need him. To the pitch. You've got a little bit of leeway for rejection. 1.394 trillion dollars. So you've got 394 billion dollars surplus. So we could probably shed Buffett maybe one more. So his current value is at 112 billion.

So you'd still be comfortable. I want Buffett in there for what it's worth. Anyway, look, I don't have any questions. I really like this idea. Oh, yeah? That's all I want Buffett in there for what it's worth Anyway, look, I don't have any questions I really like this idea That's all I want to say I'm ready to hear from Ryan We believe in the egotism I honestly don't have a lot of questions either

I think we're probably quite a niche choice To host this if it is broadcast as a We're flattered, don't get us wrong I see this more of a Mario Lopez kind of a Can I say something to that can i say something great lopez joint yeah yeah i feel like at this point you're the ones pitching this idea to like all of the networks right so you're like well we have to host it we'll ep it though it won't get across the line if we're hosting sure producers we'll get a big name is regis still alive no he died all right julian hold the line

and now we're going to hear from ryan hello ryan how are you very well thank you i would be um ever so delighted if whenever you're ready you wanted to throw your idea at us for killing you yeah i actually really like that idea of YouTube being EPs because that's kind of my idea. Okay. Right. This is going to take some legwork on your part, but you two kind of split up for an undetermined amount of time.

One of you, let's say Guy, goes to Las Vegas and tries to start his own P&L-shaped rocket building consultancy. That's going to bring in Musk, Bezos, maybe Richard Branson, and Tim, you find famed avant-garde German art director Werner Herzog, and pretty much just tell them the idea

of your podcast, and how insane it is, and weird, and meta, and then we start making a documentary with you. That's going to be weird vr alter reality zuckerberg musk interested i like julian's idea about the billionaires pin against each other i want to bring the billionaires together what's going to unite them is saving the cause of former silicon valley hotshot and billionaire elizabeth holmes okay okay this is this is interesting this is interesting we go to

and we pitch a oceans 11 style trillionaire 11 style heist to get eliz Elizabeth out of what is most likely the easiest prison possible. We bring everyone together. We all know what the MCU is now. Now we're going to make the Bez-CU. Bezos, Elon, and Zuck. You guys, a raunch in time. You're sitting there at the Bellagio, admiring guys' dick-shaped rocket plans, sipping some champagne, and you say, hey, this is so much fun.

Let's make this a franchise. That's how you build and create wealth. We start throwing off different movie ideas. You start saying like, oh, instead of Age of Ultron, turns out Tesla cars become self-aware and they don't want to catch on fire and run over pedestrians. You help Elon battle the AI to keep killing people. Ultimately, you have to convince Jeff. Jeff owns Amazon Studios.

He's going to be the main producer. He's the Jerry Bruckheimer. You're the EPs. You're the associates. You're the EPs. You're the associates. You just keep punching out all these movies until you get that up to a trillion dollar value on Jeff Bezos. As you know, now he's a media, even bigger conglomerate than he already is. You guys are still EPs.

You have all the under Ryan rights. When he hits that trillion dollar mark, you pitch him in a movie. He shows up to set one day. Who have you cast to star directly opposite him other than Alec Baldwin? You guys go on set, handle the props, let nature take its course. We've seen it. Alec Baldwin, he's not going to suffer. He doesn't go to jail.

He's fine. Jeff Bezos, Trillionaire, dead. You have the EP rights. You inherit everything, and then you can do whatever you want with the money and that's and then you can continue on with this world or you know fold it off and it can become the you know Justice League

of yesterday and that's my pitch. Thank you so much Ryan. A lot of big names involved. I'm delighted to hear about Elizabeth Holmes. I'm delighted to hear about a Baldwin being in the picture. I went deep down a Holmes hole last year, maybe the year before, but I got obsessed.

And I think that all of these hot shots working together to get her out, I'm just struggling to delineate the line between documentary and sort of blockbuster caper style film. Are we actually getting these people to work together on camera to bust Elizabeth Holmes out? Or is that the premise of a movie in which these people play themselves? I think in the way you, it would be them actually busting out. But you have to sell that as a weird, it's alter reality. It's throw an Oculus on. It's a weird it's alter reality it's throw an oculus on you know it's it's

it's a weird what they're into they're they're elon thinks we're living in a simulation so just let him let him ride what do they call those things uh um pick a path choose your own adventure yeah it's like a real life uh shit it's got ar augmented that's not all Augmented It's not augmented reality but it's like a real A game that's being played in real life Like an alternative reality game or something like that The Pokemon game was that Pokemon Cool Don't worry about it

While Tim tries to remember that I did get some time I didn't quite It's not a video game It's like when there's fuckery afoot, like they'll put puzzles in the newspaper and people follow them. It's like a, it's happening in the real world,

but it's a game. It's someone's making it. The Zodiac Cook. No, no one's dying of this thing. Huh? Cicada? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That kind of shit.

Some CIA. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Well, I don't actually quite remember exactly what the application is, but I had time to mock up some drafts for the rocket, which you might be interested in there.

I don't know if you can see that against the white balance. I mean, that's 500 billion easily. You can get an approximate idea of it there. I just want to make sure I've got all this. Guy goes to Vegas to start dick rockets tim finds muna herzog we create a vr documentary together then we've got um the collection of billionaires of which there are 11 to bust out elizabeth oh there's 10 sorry and we can be 11 we can julian name the other. They're the Ant-Man to Jeff Bezos' Iron Man. I like there being 10,

and we can kind of borrow from Julian's list, which would be a real thumb in his eye, to be honest, if we don't go with his plan, but we steal stuff from it. So we get his list. That's 10 plus 1. It's Ocean's Eleven. It's Billionaire's Row. We've got Elizabeth Holmes in the mix.

Then we've got the sort of media universe that's created from that that's enriching Bezos and then we get Alan Baldwin to kill him in a can we underwrite everything and then Baldwin comes in I mean, fuck, these are watertight man these are really good

yeah, we've got two incredibly strong pictures on our hands here I don't have a huge number of other questions for Ryan, I've got two incredibly strong pictures on our hands here. I don't have a huge number of other questions for Ryan. I've got no other questions for Ryan. I wrote down the hashtag help homes. I guess I just, I mean, a trillion dollars is a lot of money. I guess Bezos is really so close to being there. Do we really think that media creation is the way to do it?

It seems like it is, isn't it? The biggest companies in the world right now, it's like your Disney's and your... Do you know, like, and we are, like, celebrity culture and the way that we analyze the every move, and, like, celebrity is beyond just people who are good at acting or sports now.

Like, the ultra-wealthy are their own, you know... Julian, you're muted, but I'm going to unmute you because it sounds like what you have to say is important. Oh, you just froze for a second there yeah oh we're still here i i just i just think like there is there is always going to be a fascination with seeing these people represented well like you know unfettered on screen we can have this conversation um muted so i don't have any further questions sounds like guy doesn't either ryan we're going to put you on mute uh julian we're going to put ourselves on mute also

while we discuss which of these pictures we'll be going with in this episode of calunia okay guys that was a that was a really challenging conversation that we've had with each other um and you and you know it's your job to make those conversations difficult for us and you did that uh you both brought very original and very intriguing ideas uh julian yours it's very it's tidily self-contained it's one movement it's one it's one thing and ryan conversely you know you you've you've created so so much fun and games for us inside of your pitch you know i've never known i wanted to go to las vegas and design rockets but now i do and tim probably didn't know that he could have such easy access to verna

just didn't occur to me to pursue it and now we know that stuff and so like you know on a different day you if you weren't up against each other, you both might be moving forward. But because of the way this show operates, only one of you can win the episode. And just because of essentially the tidiness of the premise and the pitch, Julian, you are today's winner. So congratulations to you and your Hunger Games style. But a very highly commended to Ryan. Yeah, and like, to Ryan I know it's

scant consolation Ryan but we really love what you brought today and it's a great idea, it's a very intriguing prospect. Can I say something boys? Of course Ryan I love that free homes, I think

that's going to live on Okay, interesting free homes i i think that's that's that's gonna live on yeah okay interesting julian's picking up the mantle of helping out elizabeth holmes who's just been convicted quite rightly of committing fraud uh ryan have you got any words any parting words of wisdom or frustration to share with us on your way out the door no no i'm it it's uh it's a big undertaking so you want succinctness you want you want to have a clear vision and i you know it's you know julian he he's he's he won for a reason and i applaud him and uh wish him all the best can i ask you a question ryan yes i think the trapdoor is going to work? It might. I mean, you know, in the same way my pitch is getting so cerebral,

we're talking about NF, you know, augmented reality and NFT, you know, sometimes they're not going to see the forest for the trees. You know, you could just say, hey, go give me $80 million for a JPEG. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely. And Julian, and Victory,

have you got any words you'd like to share with us? This might be a little sentimental and it might be the drinks speaking, but I just want to say, boys, you're an inspiration. You've helped me through tough times and you continue to do so every day

so yeah that's all I have to say thank you Julian well God willing we'll be able to all help each other by enriching whomever comes out of this Hunger Games style contest which I'm now keen to

if I may borrow a little of Ryan's idea bust Elizabeth Holmes out put her on the island or maybe this is like it's the sentencing judge can be like all right your conditions of parole are you're allowed to go in this contest and if you win you're free yeah and then we get to kill her anyway uh yeah we we really appreciate both of your pitches and the time you've obviously put into them so thank you so much. And good luck to you, Julian, as you advance to the winner's circle.

Ryan, I'm sure we've got big things ahead. As soon as I hear about a jailbreak involving Elizabeth Holmes, I'll know where to look. Thank you very much for joining us for another episode of Killian Air, and we'll see you soon. Bye-bye. Bye.