The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 2

Episode Date: December 1, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIREA plot to trap our man under a biiiig basket! The boys are shocked at the amount of money Jeff Bezos seems to be making from his sausage sizzle at Bunnings and there's a debate on the concept of tax. Sound advice from Guy to avoid local bookstores at all costs and Tim floats gambling as the sure fire shortcut to get Jeff to a cool billion. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I don't know. Welcome to Killionaire? Yeah. The only podcast where we try and help Jeff Bezos fundraise enough money to be officially recognized in a trillionaire with an eye to eventually killing him, splitting his fortune and changing the shape of the world for time immemorial. Since our first episode, Jeff Bezos and his ex-wife Mackenzie Be, have increased their net worth by $22 billion. This is great. This is great news. We're on the right track. Obviously, we put on a sausage sizzle, contributed about $100 to that. Yeah.

But these motherfuckers are doing something on a whole other level. I couldn't even dream of what they're selling outside of bunnings to generate how much did you say 122 billion no just just a meager 22 billion oh is that all it's still quite a lot more than the hundred bucks we got though at our bunnings well what the fuck do you think that they're selling at their bunnings i don't know but when you tell people you're fundraising for jeff bezos it's like their pockets magically tighten up yeah man we got some venom i was expecting like a little bit of um resistance and a few you know maybe like barriers to parting with cash but i wasn't expecting to get spit on no the plan is a sound plan and i think people just need

to hear us out i feel like when you top line it with we're fundraising for jeff bezos people's ears close up they don't hear the second half which of course we're withholding because we cannot go on the public record as saying we want to murder the guy yeah which we don't yeah you hear you hear us you hear us you hear us i should hope so i hope that patreon never gets bought and amalgamated with amazon oh simply a matter of time my man this is the beautiful thing about our position we must constantly be leapfrogging platform to platform as the new startups uh you know gains enough traction to have the kind of infrastructure we require to rely on with a bit of trust but a safety that our audience will get the good content delivered but not so advanced that amazon notices them and snaps them up to

add them to the leviathan absolutely now in other news recently there's a sort of uh how do you describe treaties a treaty i've never understood that word, but it feels appropriate. Yeah. A handful of millionaires under the banner of Millionaires for Humanity, lol, have signed a letter in which they say, while we're not going to do anything immediately, we would not be opposed to taxes for millionaires being hired. Be fair to the millionaires, Guy Montgomery. They haven't just said we wouldn't be opposed.

higher be fair to the millionaires guy montgomery they haven't just said we wouldn't be opposed they've said please tax us more so that we may pay uh some of uh the covid recovery and isn't that bloody good of them is it no i don't understand the thinking here but anyway well what do you mean why are you waiting for the government to tell you to give money because there's literally no vehicle for you to give money to a government Except for your taxes There's no other way to do it If you're in America, why are you waiting for the US government to be like Hey, we need money and you trust us to invest it appropriately

What? There's no way to just give the government money Why is it through the government that they want their funds to be distributed? Oh, I see. Yeah, dog. If I was in America, I would totally agree with you. Because there's a... All right, fine. Let's take the silly hat off for a second. There are very important societal reasons why you would want a government to be dealing with the money because the government is accountable to the people when you have a functional democracy

rather than some millionaire's slush fund slash philanthropic foundation. You need to have some checks and balances on the millions of dollars. The only solution that these millionaires and billionaires seem to have found to the hefty weight of their bank accounts is asking for people to take some more tax crack-a-lacking. Yeah, asking for people to take some of their money. Giving government the green light. Yeah. Come find me, boys.

My checkbook is open. Ask, don't do. But you know who has not co-signed this letter? Our fucking... 100-odd. Boy! Jeff Bezos. Yeah.

And why would he he stands to lose the most how much fucking money do you need one trillion what kind of piece of shit is steering down not just the barrel but like I don't even know what the fitting idiom is we're in the grips of a global pandemic and he's like and inevitable recession and he's just

like this is good this is good everything's happening as it should okay so listen guy we need to bridge the gap here um the bezos are doing a pretty good job of generating their own funds 22 billion since we last checked i know but we have got a hundred bucks for them which is is not zero we kind of i feel like we need to step our game up to get them to the trillion quicker so what do you propose we do in this episode what should we be planning and plotting to get a get a bit more money coming in is this still going to be a situation where we are selling something outside of hardware stores look man i don't know if i've got the fucking the mental fortitude to handle another bezos bunnings bundra. That was demoralizing.

It was tough. I think, I mean, it's not the most efficient means of fundraising, but, you know, on a think global, act local level, keep reinvesting your money

into Amazon, not stock, products. If you invest in Amazon stock, while ultimately that might help inflate the value of the stock somehow and line his pockets with cash, in the immediate term, we can continue to invest money in Amazon.

Don't go to your local bookstore. They'll tell you they need your help. And in many ways, they do. Without your money, they will collapse. The publishing industry, as we understand it, will continue to favor algorithm-driven writing. the publishing industry as we understand it will continue to favor algorithm driven writing local authors publishing houses storefronts will shut will shutter in front of us and pretty much you know the novel or the written word as we understand it and have grown up with it will collapse that is a small price to pay if we can get jeff bezos to one trillion dollars i'm willing

to make that trade-off. Who even enjoys reading? Anyone who tells you that they do a fucking lie to try and look cool. They're either lying or they're a massive nerd. And either way, they need to shut the fuck up. They do. They need to get out of the way of progress, which is our first minted trillionaire.

Can I throw this at you? Please. What if we gamble the money? What? The $100? throw this at you please what if we gamble the money what the hundred dollars that this is this is how we get to a far greater sum to be able to give to the bezos's we take a hundred dollars we go to this we've got our own casino here we'll go to sky city in auckland that's right the sky tower a beautiful building the honing device the homing device of uh auckland is the world over yeah it is if you're in um paris france you just look at the sky and situate yourself compared to where the sky tower is that's right if you're a true aucklander you can see the sky tower no

matter where you are yeah that's the test so within that god-awful um concrete syringe pointed to the sky there is a defiant middle finger to the rest of the world there is a casino which i'm going to say is almost certainly involved in very high level money laundering find me a casino that isn't frankly but we can beat them you gotta launder your money just by a bit well yeah otherwise it's dirty filthy disgusting stuff we're gonna and these times we've got to abide strict hygiene protocol and that means laundering money is on the books here's why this is off the books but on the on the cards on the table on the cards, on the table. On the cards, off the books. Here's why this is also a good plan, getting back to our tax thing. We won't pay tax on the gambling earnings unless we identify as professional gamblers.

I'm not a professional gambler, Tim. Me neither. Never even thought of it as a livelihood. Me neither. I'm simply a man who spends 18 hours a day on online poker and uses whatever money i happen to derive from that social activity to pay my rent power food you're an obsessive hobbyist everything's above board here exactly don't don't you come for me hands on the table where i can see them yes they're on a keyboard and a mouse pad playing online poker right now but that's none of your

fucking business i'm on my time this is a hobby you know what inland revenue the beatles were right about you yeah they're you're taxing my feet the street this beat yeah uh a beat route uh and other stuff too and it's frankly unforgivable what we need to do is take the 100 split it into four 25 dollar chips throw that on a roulette table here's how you play roulette properly tell me corners three corners every play it's the perfect amount of payout to risk ratio the roulette table is the game of chance in a casino where you have the highest probability of one it is like the most stacked in your favor in terms of payout to odds higher than blackjack yeah blackjack uh the i think that we there's also different you know's also different wheels in roulette, which give you slightly different odds if there's two zero slots.

Some of them have two instead of just one. And same with blackjack. Some tables have slightly different rules. For example, on a push where you've got the same number as the dealer, you end up losing. But on other tables, you get your money back. That's right. Black that's right blackjack plus this blackjack yeah not that i would know about this kind of thing never set foot in there

wow you don't need to set foot in a casino to turn it into a you don't need to set foot in a casino full stop yeah end of thought end of sentence mind your own business 25 dollar chips on those fucking corners man you pick you pick three positions of that corners is when you put it on the corner of four numbers and the payout is eight to one pretty good table you just keep doing that and making sure that you don't fuck up your placement it's just that easy oh so you just put it on the corners where you know the ball will land exactly exactly so what happens if we take 25 four 25 dollar chips a piece do it with three the third one fourth one you keep it in your pocket for a moment okay you're always gonna have a backstop in the casino what happens

hypothetically not saying it would not in your hands yeah if we lose everything we've got that's why you have the 25 in your pocket that's why you have that chip what do we do with it then you put it on a half so say like 25 28 something like that and then your payout is uh 20 what is it um 18 to 1 what happens if that doesn't come through? But it will. Because that's your last 25. So it has to. Yeah, it has to. Because if it doesn't, that's not fair. Exactly.

Yeah. What's 25 times 25? It's a lot. Yeah. Why do we need to know that? Well, you said that your odds are 25 to 1. Isn't it 425? We put $25 down. I'm going to have a look.

I don't know if that's right. The casino can't let you lose all the money, though. That's the beautiful thing about it. 625. I was a bit off. All of a sudden, we've got ourselves $625. Are we going to donate that immediately? Probably not.

No, no, no, no, no. Keep trading up. Did you read that? No, then you've got to take that to the blackjack table. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to keep moving. Are we going to get one $625 chip?

They don't exist. That's not a real thing. I wouldn't know about that, of course, because I've never gambled before. If you were to gamble, what would your game be and what's your approach? I would play blackjack. Yeah, and how? Well.

Gotcha. Your approach is be good at it. Yeah. You've got to be better than the dealer. So you want to get the cards to add up to 21 what happens if your cards don't add up to 21 i don't know maybe you've got one card that has 21 written on it in your pocket bang bang problem fucking solved tell your story walk-in dealer i just turned 625 dollars into 6 250 dang man that's really cool. Yeah.

So you proposed just walking around a casino with a 21 card in the hockey. Yeah. What does it even look like? Game changer. Also, what suit is it? It looks a little bit like the cards that they have at the casino. Yeah. But importantly, it's different.

If it looks exactly the same, you'll lose it. It'll get mixed up in the middle of other cards. That's true. That's true. And do you, presumably then when they take the cards away you have to kind of snatch it back really yeah you say don't take that that's my card oh okay i gotcha and they just let you have it back no they'll put up a fight okay so you're gonna you're gonna throw hands with the casino staff ideally you don't want to get into a physical fight but they're going to say what do you mean that's your card and you'll say well i brought that here and

i'll say you can't do that that's illegal that's cheating and i'll say oh oh really uh-huh is it and then i'll say what's happening over there and then i'll look over there i take the card i take all of the chips i'll tell you some parties who I would feel very nervous about fucking with in a physical altercation. School principals, dads, and the casino. That's why you want to try and avoid a fist fight. Yeah. So what do you do? It's a battle of the wits or a battle of the legs.

Do you just try and fucking gun them? You leg it. You just say, look over there. Nine times out of ten, they're going to look over there. Gotcha. Because you've got your friend on the roulette table putting their last 25 dollars down this guy on a half 25 28 yeah yeah yeah that's not particularly exciting to people who work in a casino but it's the way you say it yeah look over there look over there that guy's about to win a 20 uh 25 to 1 odds or something

i thought it was 18 but that doesn't sound right. Any way you slice it, we're making out big school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time. And that's all going to the Bezos's. Yeah. Well, actually, no. Since the divorce, McKenzie, respectfully...

Yeah, she's not getting this. Fuck off. I tell you what, man. That divorce has probably really set our plan back, eh? Well, so you'd think. But I believe we covered this in the first episode of Killionaire. It's a minor drawback. Like the projections for him to be a trillionaire by 2026, without our help, are still on track.

I'm so happy to hear that. I cannot tell you how delighted I am to hear that Jeff Bezos is going to make it to a trillion. Yeah. 2026, did you say? Yeah. That's really not that long, that far off. It's longer than we want. Yeah.

Where would you like to see those zeros click over? Look, I'll tell you what. In an ideal world, I would love to see him with a trillion dollars in his pocket and let the games begin vis-a-vis you and I turning into assassins. 2020, second quarter, would be my ideal. 2020? Sorry, 2022. I misspoke. I see.

That gives us a couple of years to sort of prepare. Continue fundraising and also, I guess, eventually stockpile weapons. Well, presumably we've got to train as well. Yeah. I mean, how do we want to do this? Well, I'd want to do something pretty wily. Yeah. I mean, I feel like...

I keep thinking of the board game... Clue. No, Rat Trap. Oh, Rat Trap? Is that what it's called? Mousetrap. Yeah. Not Clue.

Clue's too blunt. Awful. Yuck. A candlestick in a kitchen? No, no. I want to trap him under a big basket. Do you want to say anything to him when you trap him? Yeah.

I want to say congratulations on your trillion dollars, Mr. Bezos. And then push a button. It's so unnerving when you capture someone and then they say something really nice to you that's like oh no that's sorry this is just before the um basket comes down so what was the situation uh he comes out of the elevator where trump tower okay and i say congratulations on your trillion mr bezos and shake his hand. And I've got a little button behind my back, which I press. And then I step out of the way just in the nick of time,

and a big basket comes down from the sky and traps him. Are there witnesses? Are there people around? There's a lot. What are they doing? My dude. Let me paint you a picture. The world is on fire.

The world is on fire. The economy is tanked things are not great i've managed to secure jeff bezos in a basket i think i might get my own statue yeah honestly you'll be heroes wow this is all gonna go great i just i'm just wondering what everyone else at trump tower at the time time are going to be saying and doing. That ruled? They're going to look over and be like, that ruled. They have seen Jeff Bezos enter the building earlier in the day.

And they'll be like, fuck, was that fucking Jeff Bezos? Or just some other bald man? Yeah. And then he's coming out and I, in a very loud voice, say, Mr. Bezos, congratulations on the one trillion. And everyone goes, fuck it is Bezos. And then boom, the basket comes down. They're like, that ruled. How are you going to wire up the basket?

Not that complicated. No? No further questions. What's the basket made of? It's plastic, just like a laundry basket and a mousetrap. Is it big? Yeah, it's big. You better believe it.

It can fit Jeff Bezos in it. Is it exactly as big as Jeff Bezos? Yeah, it's big. You better believe it. It can fit Jeff Bezos in it. It's exactly as big as Jeff Bezos. Yeah, it is. And that's the beauty of it. He's not able to do anything. It's a very constricted environment. He can't pace. He can't think.

He can't pause his feet. He can't even really crouch comfortably. It's a Bezos-shaped-sized basket. It's just for him. I'm not going to let him starve in there. I think that's cruel and humane and not really my style. I'm not a hundo on how we're going to

do the deed. You are there by my side. Am I involved? Absolutely, mate. You better fucking believe it. Every step of the way. I'm going to have a big... Here's the statue.

I'm going to have... I'm the horse. You're the guy on top of the horse. I'm going to have a big coat. And inside of it, I'm going to have all of these different IOUs and receipts from all of the money we fundraised for him. And when he's inside of the... Right after the plastic laundry hampers drop down on him that's shaped like Jeff Bezos,

I'm going to open up my coat. I'm going to be like, we helped you. Yeah. And he'll yeah and he'll say what i'll say we helped you do this yeah and he'll go he'll be probably panicking pretty big at this point sorry is this before or after the basket he's in the basket while the we're sorry this is while the basket's coming down while it's coming down okay so congratulations on making it to a trillion dollars mr bezos and he'll say what you are in your coat like a 1980s New York City flasher. And I'll say, we helped you. And he'll lean forward.

And I'll say, no, don't lean forward. You'll hurt yourself when the basket drops. And he'll go, what basket? Bang, basket drops. And then I've got all of these receipts inside of my coat. Yeah. Yeah, man. I'm going to make the coat.

I'm going to go and put a $100 receipt inside of a coat right after this We're good, we're done This has been a great session, I think Making progress Also, obviously we are just

kidding, we're just joking around Winks, winks, winks. Yeah. Everything's comedy and all good here. Nothing to see here, officer.