The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 3

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIREIt looks like Jeff Bezos is still our potential targeted trillionaire and Guy has not done well at the casino. Things are changing in Silicone Valley and Tim has started cooking up a plan just in case #ItAintGonnaBeJeff. Guy floats the idea of a cross advertising idea using Facebook's platform for advertising on Google and vis versa to generate funds for... Bezos? There's blimps, kids, merch, trap doors and more. A pretty complex plan in here so grab your pen and paper and take notes.Theme Song by diyfilmcomposer.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 The moon hits your eyes like a big pizza pie, that's amore, that's amore. When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's amore, that's amore. Hello everyone and welcome to the latest edition of Killionia, a podcast by Guy Montgomery and Tim Batt Where we, for comedy

And financial gain Discuss creating and then killing The world's first trillionaire Could be anyone Looking like it's going to be Jeff Bezos It does look like it's going to be Jeff Bezos But that's what I would like to talk to you about today Guy Before we get into that How are you my fellow potential assassin uh i'm great man i have a comedy yeah

yeah well i've had a pretty big week lost a lot of money at the casino um now that's good right no that's bad for us yeah it was really bad i pretty much i took in my own card that said 21 and i gambled yep everything on the first hand under the assumption that when i played the 21 card uh that i would win everything yeah of course they took all the money the card was invalid i was thrown out of the casino um so dire straits in that respect but otherwise i'm having a great week things are really looking up for me personally how about you well i wouldn't call it dire straits necessarily for the old timbo but i'm grateful dead and that i too have no money but i'm feeling okay oh great yeah yes and no we need to empower the bezos or do we my proposal to you is that maybe that's not so i'm thinking zuckerberg could be our guy

oh my god i'm thinking we get some more cash into the Zuck machine. Because just because Bezos looks like he's on the glide path at the moment it's not a given thing. If Silicon Valley has taught me anything, and I'm talking about the concept, not the TV show, the area. You dig? Yeah. It's that things change. I'm interested.

Are you thinking that we re-concentrate, re-appropriate all of our energies onto Zuckerberg, or are you saying that there's some sort of balance to be struck here? A split as we divide our money and energy on two independent silicon horses? Yeah, I think it's more the latter of what you're putting forward there. I think we need to reserve a little bit of energy for maybe the possibility that it ain't going to be Jeff. I'm already brimming with ideas. What about this?

that it ain't going to be Jeff. I'm already brimming with ideas. What about this? Facebook Marketplace or on our respective Facebook comedian, podcast, whatever pages we have up and running, we spend ad money promoting the idea

of advertising through Facebook. Never seen it done before. People advertise concerts. They advertise products that they want people to be drawn to. Never have I seen an independent facebook account advertising the very idea of advertising on facebook it's like the digital equivalent of

a billboard saying your ad could be here okay this is great i like this a lot is amazon in the ad business i don't know around with that stuff? Here's a fucking thought. Half the money on ads for Facebook advertising, half the money on ads for Amazon. I never see ads for Amazon on Facebook. Why? I never see Facebook products on Amazon. Cross the streams. I think it's so good of us to be spending our hard-earned money

on Jeff's behalf to get a little bit more exposure on that locked-off, Facebook, and vice versa. But I don't know how we're going to advertise Facebook on Amazon. Should we just like... I think... I don't even know how you do it. Well, there's a...

Amazon has a secondhand quality, right? It's got a secondhand quality to it. It's not a new idea. Yeah, yeah. A marketplace for buying and selling things? That's right. This is secondhand. They don't have to be brand new and made in factories.

Some of them can be secondhand and made in factories. I'm thinking we print a lot of Facebook t-shirts, merchandise, various different products. We list them on Amazon. Yeah. This way, money's going into two places at once. We pay for the copyright to the Facebook logo. We don't do that shit off book.

We do it on book. We do it legally. We do it on book. They would never part with that. the zack would never give us permission for that and i would like to ask you a question yeah in your heart of hearts what do you think is more likely to get us in trouble us threatening to murder jeff bezos on a podcast or sellinglicensed merch on Amazon. I think in the immediate term, selling the Facebook-licensed merchandise on Amazon. You know what we really need to do?

What? We need to break bread with these guys. These are big boys. We need to sit down at a table with them, tuck into a loaf of white bread straight out the bag, no condiments, no butter, no nothing. Zuckerberg, I reckon, would fucking love a bit of white bread. What do they call it in the States? Wonder bread?

Is that what it is? I think so. He would love that shit. Yeah. He looks like a guy who's never put a spread on a bread in his life. He looks like a man who hates whole grain. Yeah. He also looks like a guy who doesn't have liquids with his meals.

He just shoves piece after piece of white bread in his mouth. It's dry. He's having trouble swallowing. He's having trouble producing the necessary amount of saliva. Every meal takes three hours, and every meal is only two bits of bread. Someone presented Zuckerberg with pumpernickel once, and he vomited everywhere violently. The concept of it. He hates it.

What is this? Is this supposed to be bread? Get out of my office! Can't handle sourdough. Can't handle... What is it? R this supposed to be bread? Get out of my office! Can't handle sourdough. Can't handle... Rye? Rye is a kind of bread. What are some other kinds of bread?

Honey oat. Garlic and herb. You're a subway now, huh? You're an instructor subway. That's my access point. Yeah, fair enough. For breads. A seeded loaf.

That would drive him nuts. All the seeds in his teeth? No, thank you. Okay, so we're casting the net a little wider. Before we agree to that, can I tell you something that I've just found out? Yes. An article published as of yesterday on Bloomberg.com. Bloomberg.

This guy knows money. It's written by Jack Pitcher. The headline? Jeff Bezos adds a record $13 billion in a single day to his fortune. Jeff Bezos added $13 billion to his net worth on Monday, the largest single-day jump for an individual since the Bloomberg Billionaires Index was created in 2012. Amazon.com Inc. shares surged 7.9%,

the most since December 2018, on rising optimism about web shopping trends. COVID-19 is helping Amazon. That is terrible news. For humanity, great news for us. Absolutely. On his current trajectory, Jeff Bezos is on pace to reach trillionaire status in 40 days.

It's a lot faster than it was. Yes. Now, how do we make it even faster? Because, you know, as soon as that guy's got a trillion dollars, the tone of this podcast and the function of this podcast is going to make a huge right turn. Yes. Right, as in we are on the right side of history. Absolutely.

How do we accelerate it even further? I think your idea of getting some Amazon ads on Facebook is undeniably good. Hot air balloons. Yeah? Yeah. What do you know about them? I know I like them and I know they need to make a comeback. What are the gases that goes into the balloon?

Very safe helium. Critical. Yeah? Yeah. I always thought we could put some hydrogen in there. Absolutely not. That's the blow-up-y one. Oh.

That's the one that they used in the Hindenburg, you see. That's the world's most famous blimp. For all the wrong reasons. It's like saying the Titanic is the world's most famous boat. It is Hell of a boat The unsinkable ship That's what they said

Sailing today and tomorrow Yeah And what? Still cruising between No, listen The Titanic's at the bottom of the sea, my friend What? Yeah

No James Cameron found it It's in the mariana trench i don't believe that for a second okay well so the titanic might have sank but the hindenburg still cruising the hindenburg is gone what we learned from that is cutting corners while cool is sometimes hideously dangerous that really gets my goat so you're telling me that the reams of very cut price hydrogen i've bought and stored underneath this property i'm not saying it won't work you could raise a blimp with hydrogen and i invite you to okay i'm just saying thank you end of conversation

okay very good now here's what we need to do We need to print Amazon logos on the blimp Yeah Fill it up with hydrogen Yes Children Fuck it Children sell products We're going to get a bunch of cute kids

No kids on the And Facebook t-shirts They're not going on the In the Amazon blimp They're not on the blimp We're going to float them above Auckland No, no, no, no, no, no Strap little parachutes on them

The parachutes have ads for Jack Dorsey and Twitter I don't know why we're getting him involved But social media seems to be a cause for good. The kids are jumping out of the blimp. Okay, can we... Hold on for a second. Let's retrace this. We've got a blimp.

Yeah. The blimp's filled with hydrogen. Absolutely. That's a non-negotiable. The blimp is also filled with children? Yeah. Who have parachutes. The parachutes are advertisements for Twitter.

The blimp itself is an advertisement for amazon the kids are wearing t-shirts that they've bought on amazon promoting facebook did they get it on the facebook marketplace though no they got it on amazon so where does facebook fit into this facebook we've paid for the licensing for these facebook logos oh they're in the licensed facebook merch that we've sold but twitter parachutes yes the top may say facebook the parachute says twitter the blimp says amazon as an amazon advertising blimp filled with hydrogen that's right okay now is the blimp going to explode yes inevitably it's full of hydrogen Yeah. You'd be pretty lucky to get away with that.

So the thing is, we're going to get almost all the kids off the blimp. Okay. And then we're going to get the rest of the kids off the blimp. Yes. And then, if no one's paying attention to what we're doing, which is pretty interesting. Hey, let me pause on that. It is pretty interesting. Yeah.

A bunch of kids jumping out of the sky wearing licensed merch, licensed Facebook t-shirts, and Twitter parachutes. The parachutes are unlicensed. That's critical. We want to create enough opportunity for legal interest. We can create media interest. So we've got the licensed Facebook merch. He's a smart guy.

Listen to Monty. That's good to go. The Twitter stuff, unlicensed. The Amazon stuff, somewhere in between. It's in sort of licensing purgatory. It's a gray area. Any way you slice it, once the kids are off the blimp, that thing's exploding.

And the kids are off in two phases. We're going to get most of the kids off. Then we're going to get the rest of the kids off. If this in and of itself is not enough to draw attention from bystanders, eventually cameras, eventually local media, eventually national media, eventually international media. Eventually galactic news. Then we explode the blimp.

And if fucking ordinary civilians aren't paying attention, I'll tell you who will be. AI. Yep. And the three respective CEOs who will be. AI. Yep. And the three respective CEOs of these companies. Oh, right. That is how we get them to dinner. Ah, very cool.

Now, I understand how we get their attention, but parlaying throwing a bunch of kids with licensed and unlicensed merch from their respective companies and then exploding a blimp advertising another one of their companies i'm just interested to know if you have quite figured out the connective tissue to parlay that event into into dinner invitations there's a little bit of a difference between attention and a dinner invite yeah if you catch my drift i do and it seems like you're catching mine so after the blimp explodes yes

that night we have dinner on that night okay how okay should we send out some invites like maybe get their diaries the explosion is the invite okay yes okay there's a skywriter as well so after the explosion once it's sort of the airspace is safe again, a skywriter comes in and they write the word, dinner, question mark. Cool. And then our email address. And Jeff, Zucks, and Dorsey.

Dorsey. They'll get it. The big three. They'll understand. Yeah. And if they don't, it's going to be a hell of a dinner. Didn't Jack Dorsey? Oh, no, he didn't, it's going to be a hell of a dinner. Didn't Jack Dorsey... Oh, no, he didn't quit.

I was thinking of a different guy. Alexis. How is that guy... Reddit. How is that guy, Jack Dorsey? Mate, he doesn't strike me as a fully good egg. No. But when you've got the Zucks to compare him to,

he seems like a goddamn saint walking among us how sweet of mark zuckerberg to bury the bar to clear six feet under yeah literally jack dorsey waking up in bed is clearing the bar that zuckerberg set for him i can't say any of the stuff at the dinner so i gotta get it out now so many selfless acts are they going to bring anyone to dinner do you think executive assistants partners children do any of Children? Does Bezos have kids? I don't know. I don't think he does. I think Zucks does. Really? Oh yeah, he does. He's got two.

Good on him. I'm pretty sure that's true. Imagine being that guy's progeny. I know. I reckon Bill Gates seems like the billionaire who's done a good job parenting, by the sounds of it. Yeah. Can I say that?

He was always very stringent about giving them fuck-all pocket money, which, hilarious. That cracked me up to no end. He was the richest man on earth. He was giving his kids like 10 bucks a week, mow the lawns. That's funny. Yeah, that's good. And he also committed to spending his entire fortune before he died so it's not like they're going to get i mean they're going to be fine but

they're not going to get a massive amount of inheritance we're going to be wearing air pieces at the dinner yep we're going to be following instructions from bill and melinda gates nice melinda gates i've heard her on a couple interviews super smart person she is the right person who's gonna get who's here are you gonna be a bill or are they speaking to both of us oh well they're they're actually both of their voices are modulated so we don't know who's talking to who Seems needless Is there a reason for that? Not really

Okay Just something they can do Yeah they've got the technology They've got the technology That's sick Okay alright So Blimp

Kids out Two phases Merch Some good Some not licensed Explosion Skyrider Dinner

Rat dinner Bill and Melinda Gates in the air Now What is the Fucking Goal Of dinner What's the end game

My man I think That we For a start Have to be dressed in khaki Yes And I think we need to be wearing safari hats And I think we need to be holding bayonets

Fuck Yes And I'm pretty sure One of the things we have to say is The hunt is on gentlemen Yes yes yes So Bill and Melinda Gates are going to have an agenda Inevitably

They're going to be nattering away on our ears And we're just going to ignore them wholesale We're going to be saying the hunt is on gentlemen And they'll say what And we're saying murder most foul is afoot Sort of things of this Ilk Eventually Through a series of Murder most foul is afoot. Yes. Sort of things of this ilk.

Eventually, through a series of semi-cryptic but decipherable clues, we will reveal to them that we want one person alone to have a trillion dollars. Between them, they can nominate someone who will be the sole custodian of their collective wealth. Do you know what I like? I like the idea of inviting them to dinner at a mansion that has a dungeon, which we can lock the three of them in. So we'll make sure that they're disarmed, they don't have anything on them.

I can be very disarming. I'm sure you'll do a fabulous job of disarming these three men. I'll say something like this. Hello, gentlemen. The hunt is on. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's more arming, isn't it? I'll disarm them and then I'll say something like this. Hello, gentlemen. The hunt is on. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's more arming, isn't it? I disarm them and then I arm them.

We're going to lock them in the dungeon, Guy, and we're going to let them know that it's up to them on when they get let out. Yeah. Because failure to cooperate will result in them not getting out. Yeah, so it's in their best interest to cooperate. Yes, and I think we're going to also need to have some pretty heavy-duty legal facilities at the mansion

on the dinner evening. Not at the dinner, but in a different room. So that as the negotiations... I've already hired Alan Dishwitz. Fantastic. He seems like a man who, if we actually put him in the dungeon would live

I think he would come out on top he's about three times as old as any of the other gentlemen but something tells me that that guy fights dirty yeah he is the fembot of from Austin Powers absolutely why won't you die why won't you die Alan D't you die alan dershowitz

our follow-up podcast to kill you now uh so so dersh is there he's got his crack legal team with them we've segregated them into a separate room they are getting piped in obviously the dinner is hot it's wired yeah so we've got we've got earpieces we're hearing bill and melinda we're ignoring them they're modulated voices that we can't decipher who is who Dinner is hot. It's wired. So we've got earpieces. We're hearing Bill and Melinda Gates. We're ignoring them. They're modulated voices that we can't decipher who is who. We are also engaging with the gentleman in a very disarming way. More guy doing the heavy lifting than I in that case.

We gradually, through dessert, suggest that it's time to enjoy a tea or coffee in the parlor room. That's when the dungeon comes in. Have you seen the house? You've got to see the house. You've got to see the parlor room. You've got to in the parlor room. That's when the dungeon comes in. Have you seen the house? You've got to see the house. You've got to see the parlor room. You've got to see the parlor room. We've got parlor games prepared for you. Yeah.

So let's all have a cup of tea or coffee. The parlor game is the three of them have to negotiate which of the three of them will be responsible for carrying all of their wealth, thus accelerating the rate at which potentially creating the world's first trillionaire. This is an important question for me.

How much light is in the dungeon that they're trapped in? Oh, there's no light in the dungeon. Cool. It's totally dark. I think that's going to accelerate things a lot. Yeah. Okay, great. Well, this seems like we've got a great plan.

Actionable. We know what the next steps are. So you've got hydrogen already, did you say? I've got a lot of hydrogen. Okay, great. Because that's the first step. We've got to get a blimp. Yeah.

Get your hydrogen into that blimp. Round up a bunch of kids. Get the merch. This is all great. Yeah. I feel good about this. I think we've laid it out pretty clearly. Fantastic.

All right. Well, look. The journey continues. The hunt is on. Murder most foul is afoot. We'll see you in the next Kill Your Near.