The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 4

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIREThese gosh darn billionaires need to get on Cameo! Guy wants to become a DIYPI and feed bananas to Bezos. Tim's keen to get involved in the stock market after almost learning what a Put is from r/WallStreetBets. The boiz get a little offtrack and devolve into cast catching Cruel Intentions.Theme Song by diyfilmcomposer.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome along to another exciting episode of Killionaire. Bonjour. When you last saw us... Je m'appelle Tim. Hopefully you remember that we had cobbled together a pretty workable and sort of untraceable plan to try and accelerate the road at which someone might become a trillionaire blimps children hydrogen alan dershowitz alan dershowitz a dungeon the gates we got merged we got everything you could ask for except the warm living breathing talking wealthy bodies of Silicon Valley's finest.

These motherfuckers are hard to pin down. We thought they'd be on Facebook. Yeah, you'd think Zooks, Mark Zuckerberg, would have the fucking decency to make his public profile available to guys like us to add. You've got to have a mutual friend. We're cool guys, Zucks. Get us in there. Hey, Mark.

I'm using your first name now. You know what? I was actually saying it to him just before we started recording. Mark Zuckerberg is one of the good guys. Edward Snowden, on the other hand, must be stopped. You're fucked in the head if you think that's remotely the case. That is the case. It is far from the case.

Edward Snowden is a traitor to this fine country we call home. What, New Zealand? Yes. What did he do to us? You know what he did. You're talking Five Eyes, man? You getting into that? No. When I was 20, he logged into my Facebook account when we used to live

together at university. He wrote, I have a tiny boner. Did he? And did you get upset? No, I took it in stride. But I carry it with me to this day. Never forgive, never forget.

Hashtag never forget. Hashtag Edward Snowden. So these billionaires... You like Edward Snowden? Love him. Can't get enough of him. The beard, that's it. That's all.

I just like his beard. The thing with these billionaires is I think they should be making themselves more accessible to the public at large. But it seems like the trend is the richer they become, the less accessible they are. Well, there is... For example,

I can't track one of them down on Cameo. Dude, that's true. These guys could make a killing on Cameo. They really could. I would love to get a video of Zuckerberg. I would pay a lot of money to get Alan Dershowitz to wish you a happy birthday. I'd pay a lot of money to get a video of Mark Zuckerberg

threatening the life of Edward Snowden. What I'm trying to say is this. These guys are hard to get a hold of. We've gone through your traditional channels. We've gone through Facebook. Okay. What we're struggling with is contacting them. These are some of the wealthiest people in the world.

You'd think that we'd have aligned them. We live in New Zealand. A lot of them want to escape to New Zealand. Oh, that's true. That's true. Can I offer a suggestion then? A lot of these motherfuckers escape to our country and they build bunkers. That's the Roma around Queenstown sort of area.

So I say we do the old-fashioned American approach and hire some goddamn private investigators, dude. Oh, wow. Yeah, we don't really do that in this country a lot. It's sort of not within our cultural milieu. I could work as a private investigator oh you're saying you diy it i'm diy the pi i'm very discreet i don't know if that's true am i touching your knee right now no exactly they'll be like why is nigel thornberry

staring at me from a non-tinted window in that van because the more obvious you are the less likely these guys are used to dealing with some of the best pis in the world are you going to throw them off the scent by being very visibly a pi on top of that also i'm thinking these guys a lot of them don't have real estate yet they don't have bunkers yet they need contractors to build the bunkers they need land in which to build the bunkers we register ourselves as real estate agents make some sweet fucking money on the side sell them some land that we don't have the rights to we sell them all one plot of land that's how you get them together don't sell them independent plots of land sell them one plot of land okay they all show up to surveil that survey the land

yeah who's there us yes you and i Who else? Bill and Melinda Gates. Okay. Why do they need to be here for this bit? We need their voices to be modulated. Okay, okay, okay. That seems very instrumental to this plan, no matter what way we slice it. Yeah. All roads lead back to a modulated Bill and Melinda Gates voice.

I want Jeff Bezos to live for as long as it takes him to have a trillion dollars in his bank account. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then... What about this? What about this? Okay. What if we try to become trillionaires ourselves?

Because we've floated a couple ideas, become private investigators ourselves, become real estate agents ourselves. What if we just become the trillionaires? I guess we'd have to shoot each other. How big that number is? Trillion. It's too big.

I don't know, man. I've been subscribing to this subreddit called WallStreetBets, and those guys got a lot of good advice. Yeah? Yeah. What kind of advice? What do you mean, holding out on me? Like puts. What's puts?

Like a put on a stock. How do you do that? I think that's the one where if it goes down, you get money. It's the derivatives market, you see. Oh, it's like Mel Brooks, the producers. Kind of, yeah. But in the stock market. So everything's a bit bigger, you see.

How can a stock going down be good for me? Well, if you've bought the option, which gives you money when that happens. So I've just bought something. Instead of buying the stock. I'm betting against the stock. Yeah, exactly. Oh, wait, no, maybe that's a short. Any way you slice it, it sounds like you know enough for us to use this to become very wealthy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, the risky thing about the derivatives market is that from my very limited understanding of what I've seen these very skilled investors do on WallStreetBets subreddit, you can lose factors of money more than what you have invested initially. Okay. I'm not so interested in hearing more about that okay but what you're telling me is if i was to say put all of the money i have so let's say you have a thousand dollars yes if you bought a stock you could potentially lose a

thousand dollars but if we start dealing in the derivatives market we could lose upwards of a million dollars you gotta accrue debt to make money that is the original saying that became you gotta spend money to make money how do you spend money accrue debt how do you accrue debt get involved in stock market things that you don't fully understand how do you do that well you enter the stock market right now i think this i don't want you reading another fucking thing on this subreddit. I want you withdrawing. You're going to go down to the bank. After this, I'm going to hold your hand very discreetly.

We're going to go down to the bank. We're going to withdraw everything you have. In fact, why don't we withdraw everything the bank has? Yeah, this seems right to me. Why don't we say, give us everything? We've got a plan. We've got an idea.

We're two boys with ideas. Give us a little money. And they'll say, what's the idea and we say okay you see that blimp out front we've got some big plans for the blimp it has very safe hydrogen in it do you know what a trillionaire is have you heard of mark zuckerberg alan dershowitz bill and or melinda gates and most importantly mr amazon jeff Bezos himself also Jack Dorsey's out there Jack Dorsey is very much a part

of this yeah we need him on board probably because he would actually I reckon be the most accessible in this

group for us to approach to then gain the contact details of the other members of the group I've got the perfect plan go

we're gonna orchestrate a run in with him throw him a banana is he into that Of the other members of the group. I've got the perfect plan. Go. We're going to orchestrate a run-in with him. Throw him a banana. Is he into that? I imagine so. Oh, okay. It's not based on anything specific?

I feel like I read somewhere he eats fruit. Only fruit. Only fruit. I think he's one of these big fruit guys. Fruititarian? Is that what they're called? I think so. That's what killed Steve Jobs, man.

Not enough people talk about that. Really? Dude had, like, bowel cancer, and he kept doing these diets where he would eat nothing but, like, one kind of fruit. And you can't live like that. It's not good for your body. No, yeah, so it would seem. It's a shame. By all accounts, he seemed like he was a perfect guy yeah yeah i never heard a word against him so back to jack dorsey you reckon we orchestrate like

what's that ice cream shop called 21 flavors yeah is that still around 21 forever forever 21 there's not an ice cream store yeah but it's got really good stuff in there baskin robbins ah that's a thing that exists right yep let's go there at the same one in time that jack dorsey visits and he'll be so surprised to see the banana because he's in there expecting ice cream that i think he'll go for it he'll be like how did this banana come to me we'll say hi jack tim and guy here we've got a few things to talk to you about and he'll say security yeah and we'll say yeah i need a hand and you say yeah we're gonna need a lot of people to give us a hand with this thank you let's get some people in those guys look tough let's get them in maybe they could help with the merch they come in around they start throwing us around

roughhousing us a little bit we say guys you got the wrong fellas i just remembered what the merch idea was do you remember we're going to sell facebook merch on twitter and twitter merch on facebook yes yes yes it's called cross promotion yeah ever heard of it you fucking thiccos this is how you win we've got a lot of balls in the air tim but i feel like there's no cohesive through line you're right right. Okay. Why do we start this conversation? Let's go back to basics. What are we here for? We're here to kill a trillionaire.

What do you need to do that? A trillionaire. And a weapon. Yes. What do we have right now? We'll do it with bare hands. Neither of those things. How would you prefer to kill the trillionaire? I don't want to lay hands on anyone i don't want my dna anywhere okay so that's more of just a personal preservation from a legal sense kind of thing do you know

i keep i keep coming back to crossbow which is a sidebar i just feel like i think that's no sidebar at all that's the main road tell me about the crossbow fantasy i just think jeff bezos is like he's got real taut skin i think it's pulled real firm over his body and his muscles yeah and i just keep imagining he's got like a layer of like a filmic layer of slide he's just really he's he's really hard to pin down he's really slippery yeah this is probably offensive but i think that all bald people are really slippery okay and uh i just think he's really slippery and i just think if i'm if i'm imagining wrestling him in hand-to-hand combat i'm having a really hard time time, even with you. We're both having a really hard time.

He also strikes me as one of those guys who in spite of how busy he is, he's like learning, what's that thing called? Krav Maga? Like any, every morning he does like 45 minutes with some guy who used to be in

the Israeli Secret Service or something. Yeah. So I think you're right. I think maybe hand-to- hand isn't the way to go in spite of the sort of symbolism of it and how like you know visceral that is you know it's a good image for the people which is who we're doing this for not doing it for ourselves folks i know it's a little bit more glitz and a little bit more glamour when you hear about crossbow i love it i feel like the crossbow has been sullied a little bit by joe rogan traditional bow and arrow

now we're talking some archery like hunger game style yeah what was that it's a sort of medieval weapon it's a bit of wood and there's a chain link and then there's like a spiky ball on the mace yeah yeah yeah mace A mace would be good. I like the medieval nature of it. It's like unmistakably medieval. Oh, guillotine. An oldie but a goodie. Guillotine.

It communicates a lot, you know? It's of the moment. You kill someone with a guillotine, I know, I just worry it will date it. In what way? You know, like, when you watch... People will get confused and think they're living through the French Revolution? When you watch comedians and they're doing jokes about topical events,

you know, when you watch a recording of a topical joke from 10 years ago, you think, yeah, but, like, it's funny and it's off the moment, but it's not timeless. I like things to exist in a vacuum. Mate, the guillotine might be, like, memified right now, but the guillotine never left. It's always been a symbol of the proletariat. Form is temporary, class is

forever. Exactly. Wait, what was the first one you said? Form. Yeah, it's a sporting reference. It's like when you're talking about some athletes, like a person who's actually not one of the best ever might become really hot for a couple of months, but then they might drop off, that's form but class that's like someone who's just a classy

player you know that they won't be out of form but you believe in them you stick with them because they're your guys do you think um when you think of jeff bezos do you see him as being a high-class individual or like a trendy finance flavor of the month? Do you think he's got the goods to stay on top? I think, yeah. I think that apart from us, there is literally nothing that will stop Jeff Bezos. Yeah. That imbues me with a lot of responsibility,

and I feel very tired thinking about that, to be honest. Very weary. Do you know... Name three people you think who might also have a personal vendetta against Jeff Bezos. Don't ask me why this is the case, but Sarah Michelle Gellar, Lisa Kudrow,

and current serving White House adjunct, Jared Kushner. I think I understand the last one. Tell me more about the first two. I'm shooting from the hip here. Sarah Michelle Gellar is someone who I will forever associate with cool ass weaponry that is a little bit medieval in nature. So maybe that's the linkage there.

She was made famous by killing baddies with a wooden stake, which would go through the heart. That's cool. And silver bullets when Giles would hook her up. In fact, I don't think she ever used bullets. You watch all of that show.

Mate, get on the microphone. What are you doing? Respect yourself. You watch all of that show. I loved that show. My first celebrity crush, Sue Michelle Gellar. True for a lot of people. Married the equally beautiful Freddie Prinze Jr.

They had kids, eh? To this day, I hope they're happy. Are they together? Who was Ryan Phillipe with? Reese Witherspoon. You got it. From Cruel Intent cruel intentions they're kind of the same eh but different she did more he dropped off no i mean like those two couples yeah there's a symmetry to them well sir michelle gala was in cruel intentions as well yeah she was the main one was reese witherspoon oh ryan philippe no i don't think she was tell you who was pretty prince jr selma bleah this this is no good

sir michelle gala that was a good movie gained a thirst for blood from both her buffy days and cruel intentions she's wearing the cloak of these characters you've got to embody the characters and live and breathe as them she's a method actor and um i think she got the taste for taking down baddies and she also has a attachment she's not one of these hollywood types who's become too erudite and up in the sky and and and in the fucking emerald towers looking down at it she's earthy she's connected to the fan base she still knows what it's like to put pants on one leg at a time and that's why she interprets jeff bezos for the true villain he is and that's why I think she would be a cool choice and someone who feels that she would be the right person to take him down in a medieval fashion.

She also bought a lot of eBay stock early. True. Is that true? Yeah, it might be. Jesus Christ. What's that? That's my dog getting out of control who who was the other person that i mentioned he said sarah michelle geller jared kushner ryan philippe no that was you lisa quadro for friends fame tv's phoebe she's a great actor yes she is really funny and an even better person seems like a great

hang yeah absolutely i think what more reason do you need than she seems cool as shit that she would be the natural because i was asking bezos i see you think he doesn't naturally seem that cool that's kind of the whole premise of this project bad Bad guy. Well, it's not the premise. The premise is we've got to kill a trillionaire, and he's the closest thing too. But I'm not going to lose as much sleep killing him as I would someone else, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. There's a button. Five people. If you push it, one of five people will die. You know one of them is Jeff Bezos. You don't know who the other four are. Yeah. You can only push the button once. Yes. Do you push it, one in five people will die. You know one of them is Jeff Bezos. You don't know who the other four are. Yeah. You can only push the button once.

Yes. Do you do it? I would push it five times. You can only push the button once. I'll push it five times. You don't know who the other four are. I'll keep hitting it. You don't know who the other four are.

I've got to take out a little insurance policy here and make sure he goes. You don't know who the other four people are. You've got blood on your hands. So bad. He doesn't even have a trillion dollars yet mate he's a future trillionaire that makes him a trillionaire now our perception of time is a human construction if he is a trillionaire in the future it means he is a trillionaire in waiting and we need to kill him at the most opportune moment that we have does that mean that babies

are adults and adults are babies? Yeah, 100%. Time is a circle. We exist throughout the universe simultaneously. Do you believe that? Do you think we're in a simulation? Oh, big time. Absolutely. We're definitely in a simulation. 100%.

Well, it's actually like 99.999%. Is that enough for you? Yeah, big time, man. I play the numbers. Come on, do the math. Write it down. Figure it out.

With your host, Suzanne Somers. Well, I... I feel less clear about the path forward than I did it. We've gone downhill, and that's okay, because you've got to take two steps back to take one step forward the arc of the universe

bends towards morality but there's little bumps along that arc we've got to really put our heads together because I feel like

we're with this is this is sort of a metaphor for the writing process we're committing a lot of ideas to paper we're writing out. We're committing a lot of ideas to paper.

Yeah. We're writing out, not forward. Committing is a big word in this podcast. Our plan is reaching further and further, is moving horizontally, which is good. Yeah. But we need to comb through all of these ideas that exist on this horizontal plane.

Yeah. Cherry pick some to move forward on a vertical plane. Well, you know, we also, no bad ideas in a brainstorm, and brainstorming's important. This is a fucking brain typhoon, mate. All right, well. It's the monsoon season for ideas.

Pull your socks up, chuck a raincoat on, because you're in an idea monsoon. That's right. And we'll see you in the next downpour, motherfuckers. Bring a brolly.