The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 5

Episode Date: December 7, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIREWe're afraid that Jeff may find a loop hole to avoid Trillionaire status and be laying 5G. Meanwhile, our man should probably be looking out for a guillotine outside his house OR Tim should get in the guillotine business. Molten Gold or poison cake might be going down Jeff's gullet; Either way, the path is clear. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to an exciting new episode of Killianaire, the only podcast with the sole purpose of fundraising for the great Jeff Bezos. Unless someone else nudges closer to that magical trillion dollar market in which case we'll put our efforts and support behind them but as it stands jeff is our boy what are we going to do when he gets to a trillion so glad you asked kill him we're going to kill him and we're going to split the reward it's an important symbol for our time everybody board it's an important symbol for our time everybody i think absolutely and things are a bit out of whack and the only way to re-whack things back into whack is by whacking jeff not yet though it's not the time you could whack jeff off sure got no problems with that billionaires

deserve to come just like the rest of us but do not yet kill him for it is a crime illegal i also just want to quickly say i've been receiving uh some pretty enjoyable um jeff bezos related content over here at the worst idea of all time inc facebook page and this latest one tim is um it's a measure of jeff bezos against a greek historical figure named marcus lissanus crassus Bezos against a Greek historical figure named Marcus Lysinus Crassus. Have you heard of this historical figure? I've not, no. Well, you'll be interested to know there's three criteria. The first, richest man of his time, tick, tick.

Both Jeff and Marcus have that in common. The second, made money exploiting an essential service, tick and tick. The third, died getting melted gold poured down his throat? In the instance of Marcus, that's a yes. As it stands, Jeff Bezos roams this earth with a throat untouched by the sweet touch of molten gold. What an incredibly hilarious and lavish way to murder someone best known for their wealth

yeah it's pretty cool have we um we haven't sort of like definitively locked in how we must kill him right no no all options are on the table what do you make of this guy some molten gold down the throat i just feel like so much time and resources already going towards getting him over the line and then you know like i think i like it it's ostentatious it wastes gold but we have to remember at the time of the murder we are not yet wealthy men ourselves we are but tim and guy fundraisers if If we, you know, after the fact, once we claim his riches as our own, then we can introduce molten gold murder as a means of disposing of the world's trillionaires. But it's very difficult to get our hands on the necessary gold and machinery at this point

because we're just not in a position to do that so can we we can't steal resources from jeff to fashion his demise i guess that's unethical the morality of this podcast is very specific in that um we're very pro hand job. We're very pro-people being alive generally. Yes, we are pro-life. A very important distinction between that concept and the life and times of trillionaires, which not only do we think shouldn't exist, but we believe that so steadfastly that we're willing

to take it into our own hands to ensure that that doesn't happen yeah i that is essentially where we we currently rest like i don't know if jeff's going to cotton on to this but the thinking man would get up to 999 999 999 999 999 dollars and then i don't know donate all of it yeah what does donate mean though when you're that rich because i i it gets a bit sus you set up a foundation it's like well what's the foundation up to what are you doing laying 5g brother um there has been a guillotine set up outside his house by protesters really so that's a that's a bit of a fun update for us well i mean the thing is we while that's exciting we don't want to associate

ourselves too closely with these figures because at this juncture it would appear that they're against jeff bezos yes we are pro jeff bezos it's going to be in a way an incredible pivot i this is like ringing a bell so if you just stop me if we've talked about on this podcast before but is there money to be made in the guillotine business right now it feels like that's where everyone's at yeah it's difficult because if you're if your real world investments and trends are following what's popular online you know you're constantly playing catch up by the time you're responding to the information on the popularity of guillotines, undoubtedly there'll be some other trendier, more ironic way in which to dispose of the elite.

And so... I got one. You bought one? No, no, no. I've got an idea for how we off them. Oh, how we what? If we amass guillotines, you've got an idea for how we off them oh how we what if we are masculine teens you've got an idea for how we can

mitigate the loss you know the quote um that is attributed but apparently is is sort of not quite historically accurate to marie antoinette let them eat cake yeah yeah i do know that quote um let's give them poisoned cake that's the strategy that's the whole idea we'd need to bake a wide variety of cakes a lot of these wealthy people a lot of famous people are health nuts they follow rigid eating schedules they probably don't take on food from places that haven't already been swept by the security detail or aren't approved. So, I mean, again, I guess this is the issue. cakes as we would getting our hands on some molten gold or buying and you know like uh hoarding thousands upon thousands of guillotines i like the fact that we're coining a new phrase i think that will go down in the history books i think i'm imagining what's the phrase let them eat poison

cake oh yeah yeah that is good i think like you know you're cementing a place in history as the guy who paraphrased and in many ways updated marie and twinette's frankly passe saying i've always seen myself as a historical figure in waiting and i think this quote is the thing that's tipped me over the edge have you seen there's been a lot of interviews with jeff bezos or an old interview with jeff bezos uh resurfacing and circulating lately i haven't seen that what's uh have you watched it yourself guy no but the headline keeps coming up it's like a young jeff bezos at the outset of amazon talking about how the business is in all likelihood will be a failure and i mean where are we at right now it's september for anyone listening along i'm just going

to look up jeff bezos oh his worth well no his worth but just like if i just punch jeff bezos into youtube at the moment what do we see well i like that you're getting your news from you the um sort of standard bearer of truth that is youtube yeah man uh i'm just reading in the hindustan times that apparently he recently lost 44 billion dollars and i'm assuming that's usd although it would be nice if they quoted it in new zealand dollars every once in a while you know there's a you think yeah i mean i agree with that i think everything should be run through a new zealand mod or like everything should be reduced to new zealand terminology here's something interesting so he lost um according to this article 44 billion dollars

because of all the uh markets going down recently so his net worth tumbled because he's got so much of his money held up in stocks if you add up the 500 richest people collectively they have added $830 billion in wealth this year that is a lot of wealth to add

I don't understand why this keeps happening That is a lot of wealth to add. I don't understand why this keeps happening. I thought we've like, we've seen this happen before, you know, and it doesn't end well. It never ends well. It's never a good thing. When this many people are out of pocket to wake up and and have a look in the newspaper and see that the 500 already richest people have added over 800 billion dollars in wealth in 2020 a year most famous for a deadly pandemic yeah you gotta ask you know like it's there's so many questions this opens up like it feels like an instance of rearranging deck chairs on the titanic almost it's like what are you doing

they're selling them they're they're selling seats on the titanic somehow who is buying these chairs how are they doing it i guess it's like if you're if the titanic's going down and you're in a position to sit on a slightly more comfortable chair for the hour before you slide into the ocean, do you take it knowing full well that the investment is wasted either way because you're not going to make it back? Yeah, true. It's a good question. Do you want to know another fun fact?

Fun financial facts? These are really fun, these facts. Yes. Who do you think was the biggest gainer out of the 500 wealthiest people who collectively added $830 billion to their wealth this year? The wealthiest man in the world, non-philanthropist and all-round good guy, Jeff Bezos. Nailed it.

He personally added $83 billion this year. Wow. And Elon Musk, a man famed for his childish and garish sense of humor has clinched it with 69 billion dollars increase what do you think jeff bezos thinks of elon musk hates him i reckon why because he um i was gonna say because he's jealous but the more time goes on it seems like elon musk is kind of a massive dick yeah he's a maniac didn't he have this sort of you probably told me this maybe even on the podcast so now it's your turn to stop me if i'm retreating old water but didn't elon musk have this sort of self-made mythology that has been debunked that he's like

the heir to a diamond mine in south africa yeah i don't i don't know exactly like all the the wherefores of it but um yeah i think there's like a narrative told about him that he has uh pulled himself up by the bootstraps oh where'd he come from it's like oh he came from south africa to parents who owned a sapphire mind so mine so um not exactly the rags to riches story that you'd like it's more of a diamonds to second largest wealth increase in 2020 story do you know what i'm learning from this youtube uh this cursory youtube search like there's videos from two years ago. The first one that they want me to watch is Jeff Bezos Talks Amazon, Blue Origin, Family and Wealth. Next one is How Jeff Bezos Makes and Spends His Millions.

After that, Card Tricks with Jeff Bezos. Do you want to watch Jeff Bezos? I've seen that. It was mind-blowing by David Blaine. Have you seen that? I've seen that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you think of it?

Where he just acts like any other human being which actually disappointed me i want someone who's got that much wealth to be like here's how you did it yeah you've got two david blaines three packs of cards everyone in this room is fake except for me and mirrors and magnets and also you brainwash me because you are darren brown and i have been mind freaked by chris angel who actually is behind this whole thing you've made an amalgamation of several different mind freaks and magicians there these are so you know this is by researching this we can find entry points you know pressure points weaknesses jeff Bezos around magicians is vulnerable. His guard is down.

He's no longer Jeff Bezos, man of steel, insulated by hundreds and billions of dollars. He's Jeff Bezos' child, blown away by the simplest of card tricks by well-known street magician David Blaine. Is there some way that we either incorporate magic into our respective skill repertoire so that we have that

on hand on standby to apply in the hopes of disarming him before i don't know funneling liters upon liters of molten gold into his gullet or perhaps do we wow him with a magic trick and then say and you think that's magic why do you taste the icing on this cake and then we hand him a lovely cake that in fact is laced with poison. I think we need to get the cake in here. You're a big cake guy. I like us becoming illusionists. What about this?

What about we tease cake? We say we need a volunteer from the audience. Somehow we get it set up that Jeff Bezos comes up. He's a volunteer. It's a magic trick with a guillotine and he says no no no no i have bad associations with guillotines we say well don't worry we know you love red velvet cake whatever we find out what his favorite cake is we say in return for taking part in this magic with us we'll reward you with the cake okay so i've had it oh yeah i like this and i'm yes ending you i'm yes okay

you know how there was that instagram phenomenon earlier this year where everything turns out to be a cake yes okay well we're doing a version of that but it's even better than those ones. How? Because it looks like... So, okay, first of all, we're going to have to become a very high-tier illusionist. So we're going to have to put some leg room in here so that we can get his defenses down, get near to him, get objects in his hands. One of those objects is going to be a slice of cake. It looks like cake. It all around

has cake properties, right? Spongy on the outside, it smells good, it looks like something real yummy that you want to put in your mouth. What is it actually underneath the thin layer of cake? It's yellow cake. A type of uranium concentrate powder obtained from

leach solutions in an immediate step of processing uranium ores. Thoughts? Uranium is bad for humans. Uranium is very bad for humans. What does it do? It makes you a bit sick. Yes.

The uranium in yellow... Oh, no! Okay, maybe the plan has fallen down the uranium and yellow cake is almost exclusively with very low radioactivity that's the opposite of what we want u238 has an extremely long half-life over four billion years meaning that it emits radiation at a slow rate the stage of processing is before the more radioactive U-235. That's the one we want. It's concentrated. So by definition, this stage of uranium has the same radioactivity

as it did in nature when it was underground. Okay, so I think we need U-2235. Okay, uranium-235 is an isotope of uranium. I want to know if this one's bad. Why doesn't Wikipedia tell you if it's good for cakes and killing trillionaires? It seems absurd. I thought that all uranium gave you food poisoning, but what the fuck would I know?

My suggestion was that we get him on stage. A guillotine's part of the magic trick. You know, you've got your saw somewhere in half, and he's nervy, and we say, don't worry, Jeff, we've got your favorite cake here, a red velvet cake. He dies by your traditional guillotine means. The trick goes awry.

We're insured up the wazoo. There's witnesses, but it's okay. Apologies are made, mistakes are made, forgiveness is given. He dies, fusing two of his loves, red velvet cake and magic. How do we get the money though?

What if one of the magic tricks involves us saying sign here with a vision that we will retrieve his signature later, but what it actually is is his final will and testament, signing over all his assets to us. If we can just get that signature on paper, that's our sign.

I think the courts will be on our side. I wonder if you can see his signature online. Yeah, a lot of famous people have their signatures online it's quite an odd uh thing a lot of you can people on wikipedia have them in fact here what what are we to gain from knowing a person's signature you know especially if they're alive maybe if they're dead you should be able to see it you can buy a t-shirt with a signature on it why why, why, why? Who is that for? Us? We are the closest people I can imagine to wanting that product.

That is so funny. Well, dude, it looks like uranium is surprisingly safe to handle. Like, it's not good for you. It won't improve your health. But it won't be detrimental. It doesn't seem like it's going to kill you in the way I was hoping. Hmm. Again, we've got this case of multiple balls in the air.

It's difficult. You know, like, this feels like so many different creative briefs where it's like we're writing out. The idea is expanding, you know, laterally. It feels like the idea is getting wider and wider. And what we need to do is sift through the, you know, miscellanea of these brainstorms we've had. And we need to identify several things. And we say, this is how we do it.

I mean, also, also obviously he's earning a shitload of money at the time by himself we need to pitch in more do we have like can we have a yard sale now that we're out of lockdown again in new zealand have you got any stuff flying around the house i can see stuff in your in your studio there what's a lot of that stuff i need to hold on to what's in that safe behind you? Got a couple cameras in there. I do kind of use them, though, is the thing of it. And the reason I've got a safe is because I refuse to buy insurance. Does that say fireproof?

Well, should we find out? Perhaps. See this? This isn't fireproof. I'm now showing Guy my wrist. What'd you do? On a webcam. I burned it on a toasty maker. You've got to look out for yourself, man. This isn't fireproof. I'm now showing Guy my wrist. What'd you do? On a webcam.

I burned it on a toasty maker. You've got to look out for yourself, man. I know. It's really important. I'm so hungry that my mind started drifting towards a cheese toasty. Hey, that's okay. I think we've done good work here. I think we... I don't know if we have.

So what do we like? We like becoming illusionists. I really want to re-implement the Zeppelins though. There's something to me that feels very needed about that. A magic show on a Zeppelin. I'm telling you. What I was going to say earlier before we started talking about magic, etc. is opening up this YouTube portal.

This is a means of research. We're going to have to do a little bit of homework. That's okay. That's what you expect. I want to learn more about him. There's a video here, 312,000 views, Jeff Bezos' best laugh compilation ever. It's three minutes and 19 seconds of Jeff Bezos laughing. I'm going to watch that.

I need to know more about this guy. I'm going to come back next week. I'll be able to tell you what it sounds like when he's laughing is it genuine is it false when's he relaxed when's his guard down what are the magic tricks that are going to open him up to being vulnerable around us how do we as fledgling illusionists get ourselves in front of the soon-to-be world's first trillionaire what are we going to do with these t-shirts with a signature on them maybe some of these questions answer themselves if we're wearing the t-shirts with a signature on them maybe some of these questions answer themselves if we're wearing the t-shirts and he sees a signature do you reckon he'll be like hey that's my signature

and kind of invite us over and then we're like hey jeff you want to know what else pick a card any card and step onto this airship really really good Walk and talk magic trick. So the card trick is a walk and talk where you go, you like these t-shirts? Wait till you see what we've got on that massive fucking Zeppelin over there. Yeah. And then there'll be some kid trying to get off, and there'll be a wrangler saying,

get back on the Zeppelin, you kid. Yeah, yeah. This is shoveling coal. We're in the realm of possibility now. Let's leave it here. It's tantalizing. It's a cliffhanger. On the next episode of killian here more details to come