The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 6

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIRETim and Guy need to clarify their plans and it looks like it’s going to require Novichok and Tim volunteering his body for poison testing. Jeff gets roasted in a very big way and also, the guy loves pancakes. A direct line of vulnerability is forming though breakfast, a butler, the US Constitution and Russia. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of Killuneer, the only podcast that is not publicly available in the world. It's bespoke. Those are conversations. Woke building a guillotine. Broke supporting Jeff Bezos. Bespoke, creating a Patreon-only podcast, plotting his demise.

I feel terrible because there was one thing I said I was going to do that I didn't do. What was that? I don't know. Get his laugh or something. But you do need to follow your passion. Right. I would love for it to be after I'm dead.

40 minutes with you. It's already clicking down. We're going to use every one. So no droning on. I see what you did. No, no. That's coming up too. But that was actually not supposed to be a bad pun.

And then disclosure, you are an investor in Business Society. Yes. A happy investor. Thank you. It is great. but that was actually not supposed to be a bad pun. And then disclosure, you are an investor in Business Society, which is wonderful. A happy investor, thank you. It is great. You've got a good memory that you remember to do that. Wow, if I had a good memory, I would have done it this morning as opposed to on air. I guess that's true.

It's a good compilation, though. It actually really humanizes the Bays. It's important. We need a cool name for him. The Bays? The Bees. He's the Beays. It's important. We need a cool name for him. The bays? The bees. He's the bees' name? No.

Well, what's... Jeff. Beyonce Knowles' fans are called the Bayhive. Prince Jeffrey. What was it? Oh, there was Joffrey, wasn't it? Yeah. In Game of Thrones.

The Beehive. The Bay... The Bay's... The Bay's... The Bay's Brigade. The Bay's Brigade. The Bay's Brigade. The Bay's Brigade. The Bay's Brigade's pretty good.

There are no perfect rhymes for Jeff Bezos. Fuck. That feels like it means something. Net bios. Net bios. Jeff Bezos, net bios. Jeff Bezos, especially those. Jeff Bezos scenarios.

Get off whatever website you're on. It's cooking your brain. Rhyme Zone. Yeah, it's wrong. I'm on Rhyme Zone every day. It's Wrong Zone. Wrong. Thong. Song.

Bong. Gong. Hong. Throng. Strong. Prong. Hong Kong. Dong.

Listen. Dong. Listen to me. Dong. We. Dong. Listen to me. Dong. We lost our way in the last episode. We threw too many balls in the air, and it wasn't the focused, fabulous plan like the blimp episode. So we need to get back to doing what we do best,

which is cooking up a defined path to finding how we, A, get Jeff Bezos to a trillion dollars as quickly as possible, and B, killing him. Now, I know this may be a little unsavoury, but there's been a lot of news at the moment about a certain political opponent of Vladimir Putin who has been poisoned using Novichok. And I'm wondering if we could get our hands on some of that.

I don't know about this. Alexei Navalny. I think that's how you say his name, but i think that's how he says less about the politician more about the poison uh novichok i think has been produced locally by the russians since the um fall of the soviet union and um the cool thing about poisons is it's like prove i did do it you know what i mean you put in someone's tea it's like yeah he was poisoned but by whom yeah it's not like a gun where you can trace the bullet back or a guillotine where you can go hey the serial number just lifted a rope on that thing and the serial number here is traceable. Yeah. Name all the types of poison you know.

Deadly nightshade? Or what's that called? Oh, the plant is belladonna, I think. Poisons. Well, I don't know. There's stuff you can use as poison. Like bleach. Is bleach a poison?

Yeah, bleach would be a poison. You're probably going to kill someone with bleach, though. You're dealing with a lot of bleach. Too much bleach. I don them with a lot of bleach. Too much bleach. I don't really know any poisons. What about you? Do you know a lot of them? Arsenic and cyanide are the two most famous poisons.

Ricin. Ricin. Ricin will do the trick. Arsenic's a good one, man. Real good. What's the one that leaves the taste of bitter almonds yeah yeah uh you want arsenic isn't it i think it might be you want it you want to poison that when the person the person has it and it's you can't taste it oh i'm dying with undertones of nut yeah you want

them not to taste it at first but then suddenly like you know in a in a whodunit or in a murder mystery or sometimes just in other books the person person, as they're dying, will put all the pieces together and they'll think back and they'll be like, I did have that slice of flan with Gregory. Flan. It's a word I never encounter in everyday life. Do you know who does? I'll bet. Jeff Bezos.

He has a lot of flan. I reckon he does. It seems like a rich person food. What do you think his tummy looks like under his shirt? I think it's kind of, it it's like what age is he now about 53 something like that i reckon it's one of those ones where he goes to the gym he doesn't go too hard but it's like everything's kind of like it's all good but it's not crazy he looks like he's got a flat stomach all of his skin is pulled taut he looks like like there's about 100 clothes pegs all bunched together in the middle of his back behind him. Roasted.

Jeff Bezos looks like a baby came to life with a devious plan to make himself rich. Roasted. Jeff Bezos looks like a bowling ball. Roasted. Jeff Bezos looks like what would happen to the Monopoly man if he went through treatment for a terrible disease. Roasted. Jeff Bezos looks like what would happen if we got to him,

but before he died, which is that he was poisoned. He looks fine. I don't like making fun of people's appearance. Yeah, you started the roasted it thing jeff bezos looks like a man who has discovered that billions and billions of dollars can't insulate your marriage from collapsing fucking roasted bro jeff bezos looks like a guy who figured out an incredibly successful business plan to enrich himself to the tune of the richest man in the world. Roasted.

Yeah, fuck him up. I do agree that we've been... I mean, this is how we wrapped up the last episode. We've been casting the net wide, too wide. We've been building the net out east to west. Really, we need to be building the net out north to south. The benefit of the Novichok thing is everyone will assume it is Putin. Why would Putin want to kill Jeff Bezos?

We probably need to create a little bit more in that regard to sort of build the motivation. So here's what I think. We need to create some sort of situation where Russia and Amazon are at odds with each other. You know what I mean? Okay, what about this? What if we start selling anti-Putin merch on Amazon.com?

And I think that would quite quickly foster a situation where Amazon has to protect our ability to do it because it's based in America and it's like our First Amendment rights, despite the fact that we're Kiwis. And Russia's like, you fucking assholes. This is the great leader. We can't say anything bad about him.

So we whip up a bit of a frenzy there. And then, meanwhile, we've managed to pilfer a little bit of Novichok from Moscow. How do we pilfer the Novichok? Now that's the real question. Now we're getting into the truly hard bit. Here's what i'm thinking i come out as a pro-democracy anti-putin activist of sorts and the russians

poison me but we have to figure out exactly when they do it to take it out of my body you need like a diaphragm in your throat you need like a catch that's good the diaphragm in your throat. You need like a catch. That's good. A diaphragm in your throat. Yep, that's good. That means, so then... Not like the diaphragm that we have built into our bodies, but like the old contraceptive. Yeah, I know what you're saying. That was for the listener.

Yeah. So... The one libertarian listener. Yeah. Ron Paul, 2024. I actually haven't thought about this. Is Killian here alienating our one libertarian listener? Why?

Chief Bezos isn't a libertarian. I know, but a libertarian believes in the individual's right to self-govern. Most people believe in the individual's right to continue living as well, but we're kind of running roughshod over that concept also don't think too hard here's what we're going to do get me poisoned and then get that poison out of my body like instantly i like the diaphragm thing except that we're going to lose the very sensitive trip wire which will show us that i've been poisoned which is me starting to die so that means that like we're going to have to why do you have to start to die because how else are we going to have to test... Why do you have to start to die?

Because how else are we going to know that that was the thing they put the Novichok in? You don't think we'll just know? How will we just know? The whole point of Novichok is that it's very hard to detect. I'll be one of them. You'll be one of what?

I'll be one of the conspirators. You'll be a Russian? Yeah, I'll be a Russian. I'll be poisoning you.. I'll be one of the conspirators. You'll be a Russian. Yeah, I'll be a Russian. Oh, I like that. I'll be poisoning you. You don't look very Russian. I think it'd be hard to pull off. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

It means you don't look very Russian. What does a Russian look like? I think like... A Russian can look like anything, Tim. We'd need to put on a bit more weight on you to be Russian. Well, that goes against... How do you feel about... How do you say it?

Borsh? Borsh? Borsh? What is it? Borsh. Borsh? I don't know. I don't know if I've even ever had it.

Is beef stroganoff Russian? It sounds kind of Russian. Doesn't it? It's a beautiful dish, too. I haven't had beef stroganoff in so long. I feel like it was a real dish from my childhood that I don't have anymore. We could hide some Novichok and beef stroganoff in so long i feel like it was a real dish from my childhood that i don't have anymore we could hide some novichok and beef stroganoff beef struggle pierogies russian what are they it's like a russian dumpling i thought it could be why don't we look up some traditional russian food i'd love that i'd love that for us

i wonder what the person listening thinks yeah same um for this premium product uh putting rice in and rice would be a good one for gag bellini for the wordplay of it bellini is a russian type of pancake or crepes here he he comes. Tsereniki are small bellinis made of cottage cheese. Kasha is the most common meal in Russia. Why didn't they get actual Russians to play the Russians in Goldeneye instead of... What's that guy's name?

Shit. He owns a club and he's real cool. In real life? Yeah, yeah. Alan. Alec? No, no. Shit. He owns a club and he's real cool. In real life? Yeah, yeah. Alan. Alec? No, Alec is 006.

That's James Bond's nemesis in it. Who's Sean Bean? And that is one of the early ones that started his whole meme career of dying all the time in his roles. Gottfried John. No, no, no. Robbie Coltrane. Nah alan coming yeah yeah alan coming alan coming plays a russian called um fucking oh it's been a hot minute boris boris it is grishenko yeah oh you saw it on the wiki no i know oh okay sweet he's got a pen that explodes oh no james bond's got a pen that

explodes he keeps clicking it and they swap and so it's gonna make some lighting pen but anyway why didn't get they get an actual russian or two russians instead of him and robbie coltrane nah who's the bond girl in it mini driver frank jenkins is that how you say her name? I don't fucking know. How do we poison Jeff Bezos, bro, once we've got the poison? Why don't we go through what we think Jeff Bezos' day looks like? Okay.

When does he wake up? 5.30, crack off. What is the first thing he does? A brief meditation where he listens to his mantra on repeat, which is I am rich as fuck. What does he do after that? What's the time? What's his next move?

Yeah? And then into the shower. What's the time? The shower, by the way, is ice cold. What's the time? It is now five minutes to 6 a.m. Okay. He gets out of the shower at 6 a.m.

What does he do next? Breakfast time. Does he get dressed first? No. Nude breakfast. In his kitchen? Yes. By himself? Also, yes.

Who cooks it? Butler. Who's the butler? Robbie. Who's Robbie? The butler. How do we know Robbie? What's Robbie's story? Robbie comes from a long line of butlers from britain um jeff

bezos is sort of maintaining the very stereotypical view that for some reason um british must be british yeah sort of a there's robbie can we stereotype can we compromise robbie um the answer doesn't have to be yes if we can can't, we'll find another in. But I'm just thinking, if we've got someone who's preparing and serving food for Jeff Bezos every morning at 6 a.m. Here's the fucking thing about Robbie, though. If it was a different butler, I would say absolutely. But Robbie comes from a long line of butlers. So not only is it a defense of his current role that he doesn't want to betray. We could take on Robbie.

But it's also like a point of family pride that they do this job exceptionally well and can be tried. This is the family name. So Robbie is an enemy of ours. I wouldn't call him an enemy. He's a man, like the rest of us, trying to pay his bills and make his way in the world. He just happens to be in the employ of Jeff Bezos. Alright, so we can't

get to him that way. What does Robbie cook for breakfast? Pancakes, every morning. Bellinis or just pancakes? Are they the Russian ones, the bellinis? I think that he has to keep it fresh, like different kinds of pancakes all the time. Pancakes, seven ways. You ever had Japanese pancakes?

Around the world and seven pancakes. Exactly. Yeah, okay, great. That's how Robbie pitches it to him. He goes, this week I'm going to take you around the world in seven pancakes. Okay, so he eats his pancakes. What does he do next? Does he read anything while he's eating the pancakes? Yeah, he does.

What does he do? He's like, fuck, what's his name? The investor. Tom Cruise. Yep, you nailed it he's like famed investor tom cruise who is known for devouring newspapers at a rate of knots uh over the breakfast you know who else does that warren buffett yeah yeah him too but i think he's more famous for his movie appearances so like tom cruise he's just he's grabbing like front pages of new york times and us weekly and newsweek who delivers the newspapers robbie where does robbie get the newspapers dude i don't know

but we should find out do you reckon it's it's the newspapers like a touch contact thing we could we could kind of douse the front page and um novichok it's too risky there's no guarantee it's gonna work he reads no no guarantee it's going to work. No, I reckon it's not bad because Robbie is always wearing gloves because he's a butler. Is that a butler thing? It's a Robbie thing. Yeah.

Okay. But just assume, like, you know, the newspapers for me, it doesn't feel guaranteed. Like getting in the food, that feels guaranteed. Okay, I got you. So he's around the world in seven pancakes, around the world in seven newspapers, a la Tom Cruise. What's the time?

What's he doing next? Now it's 7.40. Jesus Christ. Zero. It's 20 to 8. It's an hour and 40 minutes of pancakes and news. Bro, do you know how much money he's in charge of? He needs to be abreast of all situations okay

so yeah he's gonna read for a little while you should try it sometime i can't so he's like just i'm out of my entire life on that of action movie star warren buffett he's enjoying all of this information and pancake and then it it's 7.40, so it's time to get into his suit for his first set of meetings for the day. And he is fully fucking up with the play on what's happening because of all the newspaper reading. When's his first meeting? 7.47.

Where does it take place? Online, bro. We're living in a COVID world. Zoom. Bezos isn't leaving the house at the moment? Not yet. Those are for his people meetings which are different When are they?

They're at noon What the fuck is he doing between 7.47 and noon? Work out When does the first meeting finish? 9.30 So he's in They're a suite of meetings as well I need you to actually come with me

And recognise that meetings don't happen how they used to, okay? This guy is a high-powered CEO of the most profitable business in the world. He enjoys meetings as a suite. Does he turn his camera on for his meetings? Yeah, 100%. Why do you think he's gone to the gym for so long? Everyone in the meetings can see him. Yeah.

So they know what's happening in his room at the time of the meeting. Well, whatever's in the purview of that particular camera angle sure we may get to midday okay his first in-person meetings is he eating any more food than then is it all coming from this is where things get a little bit gray dude because depending on the person he's with and what he's trying to get out of the meeting he may eat or drink to kind of create a bit of a transactional relationship. You know, I'm going to eat your biscuit, so now it feels like I'm in your debt a little bit, so we have some sort of implicit connection. That's from a book I read called Debt, the First 5,000 Years

by an author who recently died, which is very sad. I didn't realize he was like a flaming communist, but fucking cool. the first 5,000 years by an author who recently died, which is very sad. I didn't realize he was like a flaming communist, but fucking cool. I thought he was just a random historian. Jeff Bezos reads books by flaming communists? I read the book. He didn't read the book. Why is he sharing the food?

Does he just understand this stuff implicitly? Yeah, he does. He knows human behavior. Absolutely. He's a master of human psychology. So, 12 p.m., where's his first in-person meeting how's he getting there who's he with he's at amazon hq he's driven by robbie and his tesla okay yeah there's an array he's unlike jeff to support elon yeah but again it's that i bought

your car so now it feels like we've got a connection kind of thing this facilitates conversation and a bit of a reciprocating relationship you know little little give and take keep going keep going there's different people at these meetings every day guy that's what you got to understand sometimes it'll be a shareholder meeting sometimes he's meeting with the board is he cheering or appearing depends depends on the meeting okay tell you what if it's the um if it's the board he's certainly not cheering for them he hates them boo the board you guys are boring and stop me doing illegal things i hate ya okay so he's in these meetings sometimes he's

eating the food sometimes he's not you got it is there an opening here yeah i feel like this this is probably where it's at we need to get onto the assembly line at Amazon. We need to work our way up to middle management until eventually we're off. Oh my God. We're going to start off as like warehouse workers at Amazon. Yeah. I've heard some pretty brutal stories about the working conditions there, dude.

How strong are your legs and back? You got comfortable shoes? My legs are strong. Do you enjoy not going to the bathroom for 10 hours? Surely the great Jeff Bezos wouldn't subject his workers to conditions such as these. That's what I thought too, dude. But you've got to listen to these podcasts. You've got to.

Featuring real life Amazon employees. That's the whole reason we're killing him, dude. Well, it's not actually. It's because we can pick any trillionaire, but he's closest because he keeps doing this kind of shit. Yeah. So we're going to become on the floor workers. Yeah.

Do you know what we're going to do before we work our way up? I know that there's a lot of good people working on this already. Create a blimp? Unionize. Oh, yeah, man. I definitely think we will get Novichok'd if we try and unionize the Amazon workers. We will get Novichok'd out of that place so quick and so hard.

Novichok'd to high heaven. Absolutely. We'll get Novichok'd out of a 12-story window. It's going to be no good for us, I tell you that. It's so funny to poison someone with Novichok, then push them out of a 12th. Absolutely. A combination poisoning and defenestration.

The worst of all the ways to go. Oh, fuck. I heard somewhere, I don't know if this is scientifically accurate, that if you, like, push someone off a real tall building or maybe push them out of a plane or something, they'd have a heart attack before they hit the ground, so they'd be dead in the air.

Do you reckon that's true? Sometimes, yes. What about you? Do you reckon how healthy is your ticker? Do you reckon you'd die in the air? Say I pushed you out of a plane. Do you reckon you'd make it to the ground? I believe in myself, Tim.

So, yes. Not only that, I think if I angle my landing correctly, I could probably run it off. Run it off. Do you know people walked out of the Hindenburg? Like, the people who were on board and it crashed, people walked away from that crash. Wait. The Hindenburg like the people who were on board and it crashed, people walked away

from that crash. Wait the Hindenburg crashed? Yeah Yeah it did You wanna know why? Why? Well actually I don't know why but they skimped on the

important requisite material which was very unsafe hydrogen instead of very safe but a little more expensive helium ablum's gonna be hydrogen fueled though right do you know that um there was some incredibly prominent swastikas on the hindenburg which in retrospect makes complete sense but when i was looking up images to put on the podcast episode, I was like, oh, no. Oh, shit. But I did.

I managed to get one that's got an angle with no swastikas on there, which I think is good. But it was an airship built by the Germans in the late 30s, I think. So it's like, yeah, it's got a swastika on it. I did not know that. Me neither. Me neither. It's like. I mean, I didn't even knowika on it. I did not know that. Me neither. Me neither. It's like...

I mean, I didn't even know the thing crashed. Yeah, you don't know a lot. All right. Bezos, we're going to hit him in these midday meetings because they're sloppy. Are you on board with the Novichok thing or do you reckon we use something else? There's a lot of work to get the Novichok

and then a lot of work to position ourselves Novichok And then a lot of work to position ourselves In such a place that we can be Responsible for serving food In the meetings I think if we can get the Novichok reasonably no worries That's a great way to go Well that's on you I mean you sort of put yourself up for that

Yeah do you know what Between now and next week I'm going to go full Russian. Nice. I'm going to immerse myself. I'm going to move over there. I'm going to try and source some Novichok. I'm going to come back and I'm going to tell you what the fuck is up.

Sick as hell, bro. I love that. Yeah. I wish I could say something cool in Russian to egg you on, but all I know is da, which means yes. Perfect. Da. Da.

I hope that means yes. I it does that's terrible i don't even know how to say hello in russian i should figure that out hello oh boy oh boy yikes yeah that's russian too so you're gonna be russian and you going to pill for the novichok yeah because i also did put myself up like some sort of lamb to the slaughter to get poisoned as a pro-democracy demonstrator you're going to get poisoned by you that's how this comes together but what if i can get it without having to poison anyone oh that's all the better i mean that's the dream fucking great well a lot of questions, answers to come next week. This feels like a somewhat cohesive plan.

I like this one. We've got an action point. We've also got a strategy. I also quite like going through Bezos' day. Next week, maybe, we'll come back. I'll have been to Russia. Tim might have been poisoned. We'll finish Bezos' day. We can start strategizing what we're going to do

with the shit ton of Novichok. I'm going to fly back on a domestic jet. No, commercial jet. You can't fly domestic between New Zealand and Russia. Not yet. That seems incredibly threatening because they love an annex. They bloody love it.

Nah, man. Once our blimp's up and running, we'll be flying transatlantic, trans-Tasman, trans-Pacific. Sans swastikas. We will not have them on there. And I'm putting my foot down on that one, Guy. Okay, I agree. No swastikas, but a lot of hydrogen?

No. No. Yes. No. Hydrogen and kids. The Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery story. I don't like that I'm in this. All right, everybody.

Tune in next week to find out how we did on the latest edition of Kill Your Near. And if you're listening, Jeff Bezos, good work, brother. This is satire. Keep it up.