The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 7

Episode Date: December 11, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIREGuy is in Russia, eating a lot of traditional Russian soups (from Solynaka to Okroshka)! He is well liked for his work on Fail Army and has been taken in by a matronly woman named Galina who is teaching him how to make a variety of soups and showing him the sights and sounds of Moscow. He's also now the proud owner of fifteen kilograms of Uranium and an ounce of Novichok, although he is not allowed to leave the country with it. Tim has been coding to develop an alternative to Amazon and is worried Guy has lost sight of what the boys are working towards. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome along comrades to an exciting new episode of Killianaire, the only fundraising slash allegedly murder conspiring podcast on the air. And by the air, we mean behind a paywall, because you can't find us here. Only we know about us, and we can keep a secret. I am coming to you live from Moscow. I've got my kit. I've got a great attitude.

I'm wrapped up in some fur, and I'm having a fucking whale of a time. Tim, can you hear me? I can, I can hear you loud and clear thanks to the wonderful internet. How's Moscow treating you, man? Dude, it's not just Moscow, this whole country is a revelation. It is not to be trifled with. Yeah, man. I had a pretty hard time getting through the airport but now i'm here i cannot stop discovering wonderful russia there is so much this country has to offer that we just don't hear about what what's been like the best surprise so far that you found in russia i don't know that you call it a surprise, but you haven't really visited Russia

until you visited Lenin's Mausoleum. Oh, is that where he's laid to rest? That's right. Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, his embalmed body, lays within this sort of incredible granite red and black pyramid, and you can get in there and just gaze upon his tomb it's um it's really something it's sort of it goes beyond uh it's i don't know if transcendence the word but i it is a it feels like an experience beyond what you usually get with consciousness.

I feel it's very poetic and appropriate in a lot of ways that you should go and visit Lenin's tomb because, of course, massive proponent of communism, we are trying to take down the absolute symbol of capitalism. It's got a beautiful symmetry to it in a way. the absolute symbol of capitalism, it's got a beautiful symmetry to it in a way. Yeah, man. And also we will make Jeff Bezos the state that Lenin is currently in,

which is to say dead. So that's another thing that we've got going on. And embalmed. I was talking to some of the slightly more relaxed security guards who are working. These guys take this Lenin figure very seriously i mean he's been dead for years since uh some sometime in the 1920s um but i was asking if we could carve out some space because we would like to lay down uh the anti-lenin in essence and they were pretty against that but um oh i'll twist their arm we'll do it do you reckon after we kill bezos we're

going to put him next to lenin we're going to put him next to vladimir lenin i think that'd be nice yeah i think that's nice they're kind of bookends if your bookshelf was um economic theory in a way yeah absolutely hey what have you eaten in mosc? Have you had any beef stroganoff yet? Uh, I can barely move for beef stroganoff, but there's so much more. Um, have you heard of,

oh, God damn it. Fuck. Bean pie. Nah, man. Tell me about bean pie. Nah, man, tell me about bean pie. I haven't heard of that. Oh, it's not even what I thought. Well, bean pie, according to this website,

is a slightly sweet dessert, and it's a staple in some black American Muslim communities. Oh, okay. That's a really interesting thing to be tucking into in Moscow. Yeah, certainly, I agree.'s exactly what I said let's cut to the brass tacks if we may have you had any trouble vis-a-vis government officials tailing you that you've been aware of do you think anyone is on the trail well the thing with me tim

is um i didn't know this but i'm a bit of a superstar here in in russia is that right yeah people um people fucking love me dude they're big worst idea fans now oh fuck because i if i had to wager i would have put it down to fail Army, your hosting of several seasons of Fail Army, which I believe got sold into the Russian television market. I don't know how it did. Yeah, the New Zealand version did get sold and redubbed. Cruelly, they actually edited Joseph Moore out of the entire show, so it was just me and sort of a reconstituted version of myself.

So I was hosting it twice, and they've done a similar thing with the worst idea where they've sort of modulated to ask your voice so it just sounds like me talking to myself um and it has been said to the untrained ear that our podcast sounds like that anyway yeah they really rolled out the red carpet for for me it's probably why they've been trying to impress me with with foods that aren't russian but do you know what i said when i had the bean pie i said i want to try some blinis some sir nikki some kasha some pelmeni some vareniki some pirog some borscht yeah borscht and i i have what what ones are Okay, have you had any borscht yet?

Have I had any borscht yet? Mate, they call me the big borscht boy. There's a restaurant. Big borscht boy. Yes. How was it? Well, I mean, obviously we all know it's a soup originally coming from the Ukrainian cuisine,

but it is now equally popular here in Russia. And it has this sort of distinctive reddish-purple color because it's cooked with beetroot and tomatoes. And in Russia, it's always served hot. What did I think of it? It was absolutely fucking disgusting, Tim. One of the foulest-tasting soups I've had in all my years. On the contrary, however, a kroshka, a cold soup.

Now, that's a soup for the thinking man. Sort of similar to a gazpacho. Not quite. I mean, in temperature, yes, but it's mostly boiled meat and raw vegetables with eggs and potatoes. Served cold. Yeah, and it's served with a fermented drink made from black rye and sour cream. It's not for the faint of heart, but...

Look, I've been having a great time just experiencing the city, experiencing the country. And I've got, well, I don't know that I should say this, but I've got in my suitcase, which is currently underneath my hotel bed, I've got 15 kilograms of uranium.

Jesus. Yeah. And I've also got an ounce of uranium. Jesus. Yeah, and I've also got an ounce of Novichok. Wow. That seems like entirely too much of both of those things to have in your possession. Yeah. How exciting. You're telling me.

The only issue is I'm not allowed to leave the country with them. And I'm also not allowed to leave the country until I've used them. That's an interesting predicament. Yeah. Do you think that the effects of Novichok and uranium in some ways will equal each other out and create a stalemate in your body? I don't know that I'm meant to use them on myself. They seem to have some pretty strong ideas

about what I should be doing with this stuff. And that is? Well, it's classified information, Tim. But it's... Well, it's... Here's my concern. Here's my concern. You've gone to Russia.

You've got the thing that we set out for you to get. I feel like the thing that's gone wrong is I think that you, by the sounds of it, have forgotten why you originally went to Russia and what the bigger picture here is. What are we here to do, Guy? Well, to try a variety of Russian soups. That isn't it. Well, you say that, but you haven't lived until you've tried a lovely solyanka,

a thick, piquant soup, popular in both Russian and Ukrainian cuisine. I believe you. I don't doubt what you're saying, but I just think in terms of priorities, it is critical that we both focus on why you're there, and that is to obtain murderous weapons to take down Jeff Bezos

after we successfully get him to a trillion dollars. Does this ring any bells? I'm vaguely familiar. I'm just thinking. I've become quite enamored by Russian cuisine, and from memory, I mean, you know, I've done my bit, haven't I? I've traveled amongst a global pandemic to Russia, Mother Russia. I've managed to secure, you know, tremendous amounts of highly illegal materials.

Yeah. I've enjoyed some soups is that a crime i mean the sorrel soup here is absolutely unbelievable not at all and i i don't begrudge you at all for engaging with some bosh or whatever what my concern is is that the conversations we've been having so far have been pretty focused around our goal and every time we now try to talk about that you're sort of steering it away back to russian soup no no no although russian soup would be a good name for a memoir um i'm just thinking you know if we want to sort of ham up the um the the lenin elements of uh this this um murder most foul plan that we're we're concocting for um soon to be trillionaire jeff bezos that wouldn't it be delightful if we

um if we put some of the novichok in in you of Russian soups, traditional Russian soups. And so he was enjoying the products of a country with an operating system with which he strongly disagrees. And I'd like to go on the record, and I probably shouldn't say this here, but I disagree with huge amounts of the way that the country's run here. The founding principles, some pretty interesting stuff

but uh the application certainly feels like they've strayed quite far from you know the original intent i see uh but what i'm thinking is i could learn there are some wonderful sort of matronly elder ladies that i could um i could move in with for a couple of months or years and i could learn how to make some of these soups, Tim, and I could bring the recipes home and I could, well, we could make the soups together and we could serve them. Who's buying our soups? Well, anyone with an interest in Russian

cuisine, which, you know, if I can communicate just how exciting this stuff is once I'm back, will be pretty much everyone. Have you ever heard of a herring under the fur coat? Not in my life.

It's a traditional Russian salad, Tim. H-E-R-R-I-N-G? Yeah. The bird. It's a salad with several layers. Salted herring

is covered with chopped onions, potatoes, carrots, beetroots and dressed with mayonnaise. It doesn't sound like a salad to me. Well, that's what you would say.

You're a foreigner. If you get a layer of crushed up Oreos and then a layer of whipped cream and then on top of that some Cadbury flake that you've crushed in your hand, you sprinkle that as an entire layer. Then you get a packet of ginger nuts, which you've bashed with a rolling pin, and you sprinkle that on top. And then you layer that with the chocolate whipped cream that you can get. I'm not sure if you've seen that, the aerosol stuff in a can.

You can't call that a salad. Even if you come up with a cool name like the gull in the hat, it doesn't make it a salad. It's just layers of food. Those are nontraditional salad ingredients. You've had a salad it's just layers of food those are non-traditional salad ingredients you've had a salad with onions in it i don't i don't think i have you've had a you've had a salad with um carrots in it uh i it's it might have happened by accident once or twice i would never make it and i would never order it on. You've had a salad with potatoes in it.

That, absolutely not. At least it was potato salad, which I, in spite of the name, wouldn't actually classify as a salad either. How can you tell me that a potato salad's not a salad? Because it's not. It just isn't. It's half the fucking title. A salad's got to have a base of greens look in potato i don't know if

you've noticed if it's green you can't eat it all i'm saying is i've been having hold up we should have used green potatoes oh god i feel like an ass hindsight being what it is all i'm telling you is i'm over here i'm in moscow i'm having a good time. I visited the Izmailovo Kremlin, the lesser known of the Kremlins. But still, it's got that Fury-like quality. I've been to Bunker 42, you know. Do you know what Bunker 42 is, Tim? Is that where Hitler killed himself? No, he did do that in a bunker, though.

Oh. No. What is Bunker 42, Guy? Well, it was designed and built after the first series of nuclear tests by the soviet union and uh they found out that the optimum depth for a bunker's silo must be no higher than 165 feet beneath ground to survive a nuclear fallout wow you have been retaining a lot of knowledge on your trip so far around Moscow I'm really impressed I'm up to my eyeballs in this place mate I've got yeah um what I've got is I've got

an offer to be billeted by a collective of matronly old Russian woman who will teach me the secrets of their cooking uh-huh I've got mentioned, 15, what did I say? 15 kilograms of uranium. I've got an ounce of Novichok. And I cannot get out of this country until I've used it all. I mean, we can try and smuggle it, but it's a pretty risky strategy. And I know that- I just don't, what was the point and get obtaining these things

if you didn't know how you were going to get them out is my question i don't know tim i mean i didn't i didn't see you putting your hand up to come over to russia no i didn't what have you been doing what have you been doing while you're sitting there taking pot shots at me well funny you should mention that. Go on. I've been trying to learn how to code my own algorithm to compete with Amazon. How does that work? Well, I'm trying to build a shopping platform where everyone can buy and sell their goods, similar to Amazon.comcom but undercut their

prices that sounds like a pretty big job it's a huge job i've been drinking so much coffee how much coffee too much coffee i haven't slept in 52 hours now, but I think I'm getting pretty close. All of this is with the intention, by the way, of I want to create a website which competes with Amazon so well that it takes down AliExpress, but not so well that it overtakes Amazon. I just want to get bought by Amazon. How's that going to get money into Bezos' pockets? how's that going to get money into Bezos' pockets?

Because I will have destroyed every current competitor on my way up to the number two spot. And then basically handed him the keys to the kingdom that did it. Oh my God. Yeah. So I understand that you may think you might be the hardest working person on this duo by going to Russia and somehow obtaining 50 kilograms of uranium, which, to be honest, sounds like a fun story that we should probably explore at some point. 15. You got your hands on. 15.

Yeah, 15. And one ounce of Novichok. But meanwhile, you know, I've been putting in the yards here, fair to say. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to attack you. I just feel a bit cut off is all. I hear you. You're probably experiencing a bit of culture shock

because it's quite a different place to New Zealand. For example, in New Zealand we have the Kiwi and in Russia they don't. Yeah, it's impossible not to notice the absence of kiwis, but I'm actually... Another dissimilarity that I've noticed between New Zealand and Russia, in New Zealand, we have the kiwi fruit, and in Russia, they do not. They have it i'm actually um tomorrow uh i'm going on a tour with um galena who's one of the she's a a 70 year old widowed woman who lives by herself who's offered to take

me and she's going to take me to the museum of soviet arcade games oh wow yeah that's pretty amazing is it uh what i have in my head is like a time zone we're talking dance dance revolution time crisis point blank if it's old enough is this the sort of stuff we're talking about or is it like it's a little older a different version of an arcade it's um uh and it's sort of a it's almost like well it is like a museum it's a variety of games from early uh 20th century russia they're in the basement of a technical school uh are they non-electronic yeah paddle. Paddle board. Yeah. Shuffle board. Russian chess.

Some pinballs. You've got a few video games, but it's meant to give you a real picture of what entertainment was like behind the Iron Curtain. So you've befriended these Russian women well, a Russian woman, Galina's my in, but she's got a, she's got a huge crew. Terrain, Lada,

Katina, Irina. And these women all make soup. Ah, they seem to make a lot of soup. Yeah. These are, these are the women. They're where I got the uranium.

Ah, how did that work? They just said, do you want some uranium? Fuck, that's so much easier than I thought it was going to be. Okay, so your plan now is to stay in Russia for, did you say a couple of years, and really perfect this soup? I don't think I have that long in me, but I certainly am feeling quite a lot of social. Is that because of your exposure to 15 kilograms of uranium? I'm feeling a bit drained.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure to stick around, a lot of social pressure to communicate my thanks to these women, Galina in particular. And, yeah, I do feel pretty tethered to Moscow at the moment. I want to get out. I'm still committed to this project, Tim, but I don't know what to tell you. How long do you think you need there to serve out your time to kind of fulfill the social obligation you feel to this woman? At least another week.

I can live with that. I've got a lot of coding to do myself anyway, so I can probably just keep hammering the Javas and teaching myself JavaScript until then. I bet that's how it got its name. You know what, Tim? I think you're right. I just, yeah, I want to come back, but, you know, that's not on yet.

So I'm going to commit to learning these soup recipes i'm going to um i'm going to try and just want to you go i want to give you a heads up though because i just i know that you're having a very different experience you're having fun i realize that you want to be polite to these women and sort of repay the kindness that they've paid you in some way. But the only other thing that I know about Russians, apart from borscht, is there is an element of mysticism about the country. Rasputin, for example. Rah, rah.

Yeah. I wonder if that old Russian magic is sort of seeping into your veins. Well, it's hard to say, Tim, but what I will tell you is I'm heading out for a night of ballet at the Bolshoi Theatre this evening with Galina, and I'm going to be wearing her former husband's wedding tuxedo. We're going to enjoy a night at the opera. tuxedo we're going to enjoy a night at the opera wow you're wearing a wedding tuxedo with an old widow to russian ballet now this feels mate i don't even know why you'd ever come back this sounds like you're having the time of both of our lives uh it's yeah it's it's it's not awful but it's not i've got a life back in New Zealand, you know.

Yeah, but you've got uranium in Russia, so. Yeah, on balance, I've got good things in both places. Look, if I don't put a pin on this soon, I'm going to be running late, and Galina's got a pretty foul mouth on her. I'll bet. We've got to have seven bowls of soup before we're allowed out to the Bolshoi.

A night at the Bolshoi. Fuck, that's a lot of soup, man. That's so much. Yeah, so I'm going to have to jet. But, you know, eyes on the prize. I know why I'm here. And it's to fall in love. Wait, no.

All right, Tim, I'll see you soon. Fuck.