The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 8

Episode Date: December 11, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIREIn a terrible turn of fortune, Guy's been caught by the Ruskis and is in jail due to being double-crossed by Galina. It's not all bad though because Monty has access to a Huge Book Room and is making friends, including Vlad - the guy who seems to be in charge. His cellmates, aka The Cabbage Patch Boys include Gordon, Oscar and Joseph. Meanwhile in NZ - Tim has been kicking back and enjoying the pleasant gas being dispersed by aeroplanes at the hand of multi-millionaire and department store magnate Sir Stephen Tindall. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to an exciting new episode of Killioneer, a podcast dedicated to the rise and eventual demise of no one in particular except the person who fulfills the criteria of becoming a trillionaire. We believe that person to be Jeff Bezos based on his current net worth and trajectory my name is timothy andrew bat joined live from moscow at the time by guy montgomery um it's been a big week for me keeping company with galena i know that you keep wanting to bang on about jeff bezos and so too do i but um yeah it's just it's nice to be talking to a familiar a familiar friend nice to be speaking my mother tongue again actually it's really good to

have you on the line guy and I would just first of all like you to tell me what the weather's doing in uh Moscow yeah well it's not warm Tim um but saying that, it's also not cold. It's about 6 in the morning here, 19 degrees Celsius. 19's all right. Yeah, you know. That can't be right. Do you think that the thermometer's broken that you're looking at? I think the thermometer's broken because it feels more like 8 degrees at this hour at 6am

but at a guess maybe the thermometer's forecasting somewhere between 8 and 19 degrees C I get it. So the famously long tale of the Moscow summer we're almost at the end of as we look forward to what should hopefully be a prosperous

fall. I've got to be totally honest with you I was expecting to be talking to you back back in new zealand by this stage and i am surprised that you're still in moscow to conduct the conversation having a huge amount of trouble getting out yeah i was wondering if there was a reason that you insisted on staying in moscow uh well does being caught by the russian police with i don't know tim 15 kilograms of uranium and an ounce of novichok sound like it might be reason for dude i'm not surprised but i am saddened to hear that that's right so i'm still staying with galena now less as a sort of um border or someone who's staying in their house and more it turns out that galena is secret service

for russia and i'm staying with her in the sense that i am in prison and she is the warden oh shit yeah okay wow russian prison i can't imagine that's a great place to be not a great place for me i'll tell you yeah Yeah. What is the vibe? Tell us a bit about the characters and cast of players that you're dealing with on a daily basis in these Russian prisons. Well, there's pretty much a main guy called Vlad. Yeah, that makes sense to me.

You don't want to fuck with him. So he's kind of the boss, and everything runs through Vlad. Big guy? Huge, yeah. I've heard a lot of stuff about prison so i'd like to throw some questions at you to see please if the stereotypes are real do cigarettes exist as a unofficial currency behind bars uh no cigarettes do exist but they're

largely for smoking and then also if you're not them, you can use them to sort of trade or buy and sell different materials from behind bars. Okay, great. Second, is there a library situation akin to Andy Dufresne? Do you have free room to get in there and school yourself up on subjects? There's not a library as such, but there is a huge room at the end of one of the corridors and it's just filled with books and so you can go out there and read them in there or borrow them and take them back to your cell but not a library per se is there any pornography in the library uh no it's not not a lot of pornography but there are some magazines on one of the racks that feature uh

various different photos of of people in the nude tell us about yourself mate so you're in there with i imagine you're probably not bunking solo no no uh it's me and three others we call ourselves the cabbage bash boys uh-huh yeah it's me a guy called gordon another guy called oscar and then another guy called joseph gordon oscar joseph and guy just four typical prisoners in a russian prison yeah we're the cabbage patch boys so we just kind of fucking sorry that name's really caught me off guard the cabbage patch boys now what kind of respect do you command uh in in the prison amongst one another oh that wasn't really the question utmost respect sure and what about externally outside of the cell uh if i could use the analogy of a ladder

yeah uh the top of the ladder being the most desirable or respected position and the bottom of the ladder being sort of the the lowest yeah i describe us as the bottom rung of the ladder i see that's not good so are you doing anything to work your way up To try and endear your fellow prisoners to the Cabbage Patch Boys? We're swapping a lot of recipes We are planning to try and establish ourselves as Dab Hands in the Kitchen So that we can start winning over the hearts and minds of some of the hungrier prisoners Well, you've been well prepared for this

because you've been hanging out with some of the best cooks in russia from my understanding absolutely so are you all about galena she is a double crossing son of a bitch who has landed me in prison here i would argue that she's sort of i can't i can't remember what the legal terminology is entrapment yes entrapment entrapment, entrapment, I wish I had you in my court of law one week ago I have been entrapped Oh fuck, have you already had your court case? Yeah, they pushed it through

super fast. Oh, that's not good. Have you been sentenced? Sentenced? Yeah I haven't been sentenced as such but I've been told how long I'm staying here for Oh okay, how long is that? Life. Wow.

This is grim as hell. Yeah. We started with such a simple idea, to make Jeff Bezos a trillionaire and murder him. But now it's all gone pear-shaped. My man is in a Russian prison for the rest of his life. Yeah. And the worst part is that most of the Cabbage Patch boys are getting out next week. Fuck me, dude. it gets worse and worse

So look, have you been making any plans to get in with another group? Well, that's part of what the frantic learning of recipes is I am doing what I can But I'm sort of what you might call poison to the others I'm not desirable company, I don't know why that is Is it because you're foreign i mean obviously joseph and oscar are very russian names so i figure they're probably locals gordon is also russian yes that was the the fourth member of the cabbage patch boys yeah

they're all russian not you though you're a kiwi I am from New Zealand. You do look and sound very New Zealand-ish. Well, yeah. But so I'm sort of desperately learning, you know, pelmeni recipes, borscht, even though I swore off it, soljanka, pierogi, pelmeni, blini. Yeah, we've been down the list. Beef stroganoff. Not learning beef stroganoff.

You're not learning that. Why not? I refuse. It'd be probably quite hard to get good quality cuts of beef inside the big house. It is. So, yeah. I am, let's go over the facts here, in a prison in Moscow, sharing a cell with three of my friends, the Cabbage Patch Boys.

They're all due to be released next week. I seem to be serving out a life sentence for the crime of entrapment galena was not who she presented herself as that's kind of your determination not the courts i got caught worth 15 kilograms of uranium an ounce of novichok i am using my one phone call to record this podcast yeah and god bless for doing that that's cool that's cool cool That's the situation Here's what I think you should do if you're looking for advice Please

I think you need to go head first into religion I think you need to go Russian Orthodox I think it's your only way through And out of this I think you really need to get yourself Involved in the literature I don't know anything about Russian orthodoxy, but it's probably a fascinating religion.

I imagine it's probably got some interesting views about how certain people live their lives, but I honestly don't know. Well, I'm going to head on down to the giant book room and see if I can't find some sort of contract whereby I can borrow one of these books on Russian orthodoxy. I will take any advice I can get right now.

How are you going? What's news on the outside? Dude, things are going great here, man. It feels like summer's just knocking on the door. I've been wearing shorts for the last two weeks and hanging out outside with my dog, reading books, drinking cocktails it has been a true blissful dream of a fortnight i've loved it i'm happy to hear it i in fact everyone in new

zealand's living like this at the moment there was um man this weird kind of chemtrail event where all these planes went overhead and dispersed some sort of thick dense gas and everyone's just been living it up ever since no crimes no fights it's all lovely stuff hold on can you go back there's some sort of chemical trail from the back of a plane that's several planes cannot stress that enough it feels altered the behavior of our it was like a combination anzac effort because i did recognize the rnzaf logo which ironically is a kiwi on the back the new zealand air force yeah have flown some sort of chemical substance up and down the length of the nation not just them but the aussies are involved too because i saw some planes i ain't recognized can you describe how you felt before the planes flew overhead?

Pretty normal. And how do you feel now? Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good is supposed to be better than pretty normal? Absolutely, yeah. Normal you go up and down, but in this post-Kim Trail New Zealand, everyone's just up and up all the time.

Man, I was jealous jealous but this sounds pretty bad last time I spoke to you you were doing some coding uh on some sort of alternative um online store to Amazon do you remember any of this I had to shove the project unfortunately but why did you have to shove the project I had a wall it turns out I don't know how to code you told me you'd been coding for a week yeah I know I know and I thought I had been but it turns out I don't know how to code. You told me you'd been coding for a week at the time. Yeah, I know, and I thought I had been, but it turns out I was using a website builder. I didn't know what I was up to. So, can you, just to get a timeline.

Have you heard of Squarespace? Yeah. I was using that, and I was under the mistaken impression that I was writing lines of computer code. What were you writing? I was writing lines of computer code what were you writing i was writing a website what's the website about the website is about a crazy conspiracy theory i stumbled onto that the new zealand air force were teaming up with the australian air force to deploy emotion-changing chemicals into the atmosphere and was this before or after the planes flew overhead before and now that you mention it

wicked coincidence that is pretty unlikely pretty unlikely isn't it i didn't believe nor do i now the conspiracy theory though is it all nonsense silly it sounds like you either forecast predicted or influenced what has happened here i just stumbled across some fucking crazy guy who was spouting about this on his website more of a blog yeah and then i was coding a website based on this information to put it in a better form and have a bit of commentary on it and then it happened uh then the chemtrail event happened yeah now like fuck all of that you know and you don't see any connection between what you said would happen and i just don't know why you'd like to distance yourself from the theory that you had i it's distance i this is a strong word it's just

hey let's go outside you know what i mean it's a good time baby summer are the shops open shops are open you can take what you. You can take what you need. Take what you need? What do you mean? They've just opened the doors. They've opened the doors. Cash doesn't play a huge feature in society here anymore. What is happening in New Zealand? I don't get the news.

We're having a good time. We don't make the news anymore. Now, that's a really important part of this. News is off. We're bumming everyone out, so we stopped doing it. So what? You just live in this newsless, cash cashless sort of open door policy society you got it babe can you still go online we've got the internet but it's kind of like it's a little uh it's a little different

a little more rudimentary a little a little more rudimentary a little slower we're blocking certain things from coming in because this is just going to be a bummer if people get into it. Avoid the bummers. Wow. On one hand, it sounds really exciting and in many ways a glimpse into what might be a global future. And on the other hand, it sounds quite terrifying

and like the entire nation has fallen under the spell of some sort of, I don't know who could design or implement this kind of idea, but... Oh, we know who did it. Stephen Tindall. The owner of the Warehouse franchise, Stephen Tindall. Founder of the Warehouse. Thank you very much. Yeah, he teed it up.

Good guy. What did he say? He said, this one's on me. And what's he doing now? And then he said, the milky bars are on me. Did he throw chocolate bars out? No, he got in the plane. The plane took off.

And then all these chemtrails rained down on us. He said, this one's on me. This one's on me. The milky bars are on me. Who was flying the other planes? The Australians. So he flew the one R&D... He didn't fly.

He got in it. He can't fly a plane. Okay. Where is he now? Stephen Tindall? Yeah. Dude, he has taken up residence in the Sky Tower. He's on the bit that's got the circulating windows.

Used to be a restaurant. Orbit. Now it's Stephen Tindall's apartment. And fuck Palace. It's pretty cool. I went to a party there last week. Is he still doing speeches or press releases or anything? He is, actually.

So an interesting thing has happened. He rounded up a little bit of crew and some equipment. And now instead of having the news, he is effectively letting us know what's going on day to day. And what is he saying? Good stuff, man. Really enjoyable stuff. Letting us know how it's going in Tikawiti. Letting us know how it's going in Bluff.

How's it going in Bluff? It's good. It's all good. It's sweet as. So it's really, he says. Is it a feeling you get boots on the ground that everything is good yeah man because steven says it is and the thing when you talk to other people if you leave the house you talk to your neighbor and you say hey how are you what would i say they say good there's what

are their eyes say well then it's weird you bring that up because there's a lot more darting than they used to be like eye darting like they Like they feel guilty. Not guilty per se. Kind of looking around, seeing if anyone's looking at them when we start having a chat. It's very unusual behavior. And are your eyes darting more? Nah, dude. I'm having a blissful time. Full of bliss.

It's blissmas. Whose terminology? It's Stephen's. What day is blissmas? Every day is blissmas in terminology? It's Stephen's What day is blissmas? Every day is blissmas in Aotearoa That's another thing that he says So The Amazon alternative is down the tubes

It's more like That's not important anymore What is important? What are you getting out of bed for every day for blissmas? What I like to do is get out of the house i've actually taken the door off the hinge um which is pretty cold not the easiest thing in the world to do it's warmed up a little bit in new zealand you've been away from home too long baby boy i'm in auckland so it's fine but you've got to like jimmy the pin out of the hinge It's sort of a three person operation Because you've got to lift it off

But we've been going around helping everyone else do this as well And then is this by choice Or does everyone have to do this It is strongly recommended that you remove All the doors in your house By who? Stephen And why does Stephen want that Because he wants no more bummers dude

And doors are just like a kind of bummer creator But doors can be nice They can provide privacy Stephen! And why does Stephen want that? Because he wants no more bummers, dude. And doors are just like a kind of bummer creator. But doors can be nice. They can provide privacy. No, we don't need privacy anymore. So we've lifted all the doors off. What do you mean you don't know privacy? We don't need it. We don't need it anymore.

You're a big privacy guy. You're a big privacy advocate. Things change. I like to get out of bed, walk out the door frame that used to contain a door, and then just get a big lung full of that gorgeous New Zealand air. And is the air noxious with fumes at all, or is it just as it was when I left? I don't like the term noxious. Rich?

Yeah, rich. That's good. I like that. It's rich. Huh. You should come back. Would that I could, Tim. Sounds like you could use a guy like me. Sounds like Stephen could use some of that goddamn Novichok I just lost. I don't think that's such a good idea. Why would you want to poison Stephen?

Why? It sounds like Stephen might be getting a little big for his boots. A lot of people have been saying that, actually. Who's been saying that? A lot of people have been saying that, actually. Who's been saying that? A lot of people, dude. So I went to what they're calling a town hall meeting, which we had to have in the sewer. It was pretty wild.

If all the doors are open, why would you have the meeting in the sewer? Well, that wasn't my idea. Whose idea was it to have the meeting in the sewer? I had a bit of FOMO because I saw these people disappearing into the sewer. What did they look like? Were they smiling? Sweet as. They looked pretty grim and serious.

And then so I got to that and there was a lot of discussion happening about people's rights and civil liberties and what happened to democracy, etc, etc, etc. And there's been a lot of discussion on what should happen next with steven and people are getting some pretty big ideas and how did you feel you're an ideas man so maybe you should hang out with these guys um i felt pretty weird to be there i wasn't on board with anything they were saying but a party's a party at the end of the day and sometimes it's just nice to hang out i can hear a liquid where you are have you got your hands on some vodka? No. Galena is taunting me.

She's got a half-full bottle of water, and she's holding it through the... That is messed up. Yeah. God, that's unfortunate. I haven't had a drink in five days. Alcohol or anything? Anything. That's bad.

Yeah. I thought people died after about three. Yeah, some do. Okay, gotcha. How are you feeling? Thirsty. I thought people died after about three. Yeah, some do. Okay, gotcha. How are you feeling? Thirsty. Like deathly so?

It's hard to say, really. You don't feel like you're dying? Well, I don't feel like I'm living. Yeah, fair enough. You've got to get busy doing one of those things, eh? I've got to get busy getting my hands on one of these books. Got to read about Russian Orthodoxy. Tim, I want you to stay very careful.

Yeah, man, always careful. Always good. I know that everything's feeling really positive over there, but something's not quite adding up. How many of these calls do you get? One. Ah. Life.

Is that it? Yeah. Huh. Well, I've got another town hall meeting, so I'm going to go see what everyone's up to at that. You enjoy yourself and I hope you get some water.

Yeah, man, I guess I'll talk to you in another life. Maybe. Bye, guy. Please, can I have some of that