The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire 9

Episode Date: December 12, 2021

Originally released in the middle of 2020 exclusively for Patreon.com/TWIOAT supporters - please enjoy the first ten episodes of KILLIONAIREGuy has broken out of prison thanks to inspiration from a book-turned-movie-turned book again. He's got a pocket full of Novichok and an eye full of optimism as he calls Tim from a payphone in Siberia. Tim fills Monty and his rag in on the goings on in New Zealand, a country recently taken over by department store magnate Sir Stephen Tindall but more recently overthrown and KILLED (I mean jailed) by a militia. Guy will now walk the 1005km to Nur-Sultan, Kazakhstan to fly home on a flight booked by Tim. Hopefully. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to another... Hi Tim! Oh, sorry. Hey Guy, how you going? I'm good. I thought you were saying hi to me, but you're introducing the podcast. Just letting people know that they're listening to Killionaire, the podcast where myself, Tim Batt, and himself, Guy Montgomery, attempt to get a first... It's a fundraising podcast.

We get our first human being to a trillion dollars net worth and then immediately murder them. And split the profits. Yeah, not between each other, though, like with everyone. Yeah, evenly across the globe. That's right. Guy, when I last caught up with you, you were trapped in a russian

prison at the hands of that double crossing galena and spending your time under the villainous vlad alongside the cabbage patch boys wow what a what a difference a week makes i was worried sick i was pretty sure it was my last phone call uh not just you know out of prison well i mean not just to you but that i would be given in in prison at all but the um the cabbage patch boys um and well i mean i i credit them they sort of did a great job of distracting vlad and galena and various other figures but uh in the big book room, I've since learned it's called a library, I found a novelization of a movie called The Shawshank Redemption.

And... Right. There was a book first, right? Yeah, and then it got turned into a book again after the movie. Okay. So... That's what you read.

Yeah. You read the book. Of the movie. Of the book. Yeah movie, of the book. Yeah, keep up to it. Yep, yep, sorry. And anyway, in this book, it talks about how one of the characters, Andrew Dubois, breaks free of the prison by digging a hole behind a poster of Rita Ora. And, you know, pop singer Rita Ora?

Yeah. Well, what should Gordon have up in our cell but a poster of Rita Ora? And I think, okay, I know what's happening here. And so with a spoon and some moxie and a pocket full of Novichok, I have dug my way through this penitentiary and i'm currently talking to you from a phone booth in novysibirsk which is um

i think it's the third biggest city in russia it's located in uh siberia and um It's located in Siberia. And, yeah, I'm out. I'm nervous constantly, but I'm out. I've shaved off all of my hair. Wow. Yeah. In Siberia, I imagine as well, like that's particularly tricky because it's cold.

Because it's so cold. Yeah, it's cold. Siberia, not known for a ton of things, but it is known for the cold. Well well i'm glad to hear that you're out of prison man that's really great i'm really glad you didn't die in there thank you so am i and i mean what's more i've got um i've got some of the novichok i just need to get out of russia oh amazing you managed to get some of the novichok out with you pocket full of novichok what What about the uranium? Is that sort of stayed confiscated? Dude, the uranium is so much more trouble than it's worth. Do you reckon?

Yeah. Okay, right. So we're saying goodbye to the uranium. Big time. Okay. Fair enough. But I don't really have a solid lay of the land. I don't have a reliable map.

But if I'm not mistaken, I'm actually in Asian Russia now, and I'm not too far from Kazakhstan. Right. If I can just get across the border,'m gonna get on a plane i'm gonna come home to sweet old altera god's own new zealand where i understand everything is just tickety-boo yeah you were in a pretty good mood last time i spoke with you my friend things have changed a little bit since we last spoke okay well you remember i was talking about the meetings that i was attending and sort of just keeping a bit of an eye on it sounded like a rebellion well it turns out you were right yeah interesting so basically we had a lot of different factions

that were forming their own plans to within the rebellion well it wasn't there wasn't a single rebellion there was just lots of different groups that were meeting up because they weren't as happy about the situation as i was whoa how many different groups um i was aware of six how are you aware of six if you weren't even feeling restless because i was got i was attending the meetings i wanted all of the meetings well i poked my head into half a dozen and how do you find out about them where are they happening they were all happening underground because that's where people have been hanging out because they don't have exposure to the surface level air how are you hearing about them

is there a passage is there like a it's been There's been some posters. If you kind of know what you're looking for, start to jut out. So a big picture of Stephen Tindall's face, and it's got a target on top of it, and then it's got a location and a time. That seems dangerous for a resistance. Yeah, I know. They're not too smart,

but they are very brave and aggressive. So I sort of got connected to this underground network of rebels let's call them for intents and purposes and the more time i spent under the earth with them the more i started to realize maybe leaving all of the news reporting and emotional stability to the guy who created the warehouse wasn't the best way to run a society. And we actually started buddying up between ourselves, all the different factions, to create a kind of super rebellion, if you will.

Who spearheaded that? This guy called Jeremy. Nice guy. He's a good fella. Used to be a chippy i believe um before the the airplane started doing their thing and we've retaken the sky tower so we've got that now we put a big honking flag you're coming to me live from the sky tower yeah that's where i'm at the moment but i'm at the bottom i'm just making sure the right people get in and the wrong people can't.

So you're on security right now? I'm on a bit of a detail, yeah. Should we do this another time? No, it's really... I can find another phone booth. There's not a ton going on, to be honest, and we've got quite a few people down here listening. New Zealand is being plunged into civil war. No, I wouldn't say that.

What would you say? no i wouldn't say that what would you say i would say it's more like there are two sides engaged in a battle to the death over ideology and the future of this nation yeah they should have a name for that they really should you'd think there'd be one by now so stephen tindall using his money which we've actually come off recently, which is another interesting little tidbit, but he managed to accumulate a lot of New Zealand dollars, which he put into assets as things were starting to turn a bit. He's essentially purchased his own private army using food reserves. Jesus Christ.

Food's become pretty wanted, desirable, should we say. Food's become pretty wanted, desirable, should we say. So that's an interesting little joker to have in his hand. And we're basically just trying to turn the tide slowly but surely and restore a bit of democracy to the place. Yeah, that's all that's going on here. It's nothing too major. It's just... Major for you personally or for the nation of New Zealand?

Because this all sounds like it would be if I could only get my hands on some global news. I mean, New Zealand has sort of looked to, especially in 2020, as this bastion of hope. Yeah. But look, everyone's feeling pretty okay about it. We have disagreements. We shoot at each other.

We create some improvised explosives. It's just what we do. We've got a disagreement. We're figuring it out, you know, and we'll suss it out, and then we'll come out the other side, and we'll get back to hosting the Rugby World Cup, et cetera. I like to hear, even in a violent and bloody clash of ideologies from two different factions of people living in New Zealand.

Is that what it's called? That you carry this laissez-faire New Zealand attitude towards what sounds like widespread unrest and a nation plunged into crisis. I was planning on setting off on my sort of walk southwest from the streets of Novosibirsk towards Kazakhstan International Airport. But maybe I'll walk a little slower. Burn a bit of time.

Well, I'm just in no rush to get back. I mean, I heard Kazakhstan's quite a beautiful place. Maybe you could hang out in there for a little bit. Certainly not opposed to it would love to be there for the release of popular kazakhstan movie borat 2 which i understand is going to be hitting cinemas pretty shortly gotcha um you know amongst all of this ever shifting you know global or national landscape beneath our feet it it can be difficult to remember that the reason that i'm here is um well, we're trying to help our mate Jeff raise some more funds. I don't know if you saw recently, Tim, but I was watching a TV through a shop window.

Good for you, man. I didn't see that. News footage playing of Jeff Bezos wearing some robot hands or some he was wearing gloves oh that doesn't bode particularly well that controlled hands right a distance right so sort of mirror mirroring what his hands would do but on a on a machine that's maybe thousand times stronger than him something like that almost exactly yeah yikes what was the practical application of that is he putting them into his warehouses or hard to say but what i couldn't help but notice which a lot of people wouldn't have was on the bottom right corner of the table um that's as jeff is

facing forward so if you're looking at him it would have been the top left but the bottom right corner of the table there was a um a little like some paper printed out looked like a memo and there was a photo of us on the memo jeff bezos's memo i don't know who the memo was for but it was it was in proximity to jeff bezos while he was testing these gloves wow do you think he wants to be friends with us? I don't see why he wouldn't. Yeah, me neither. We're fun guys. We have the names of everyone on the Patreon, right? Yeah.

We don't have anyone called Jeff Bezos subscribing to this podcast, do we? Oh, hold up. I remember there was... There actually... Well, hold on. I've found a Bezos and I've found a Jeff, but he's spelt it with a G, and I know that our guy spells it with a J. How's Bezos spelt? They're actually, well, hold on. I've found a Bezos and I've found a Jeff, but he's spelt it with a G. And I know that our guy spells it with a J.

How's Bezos spelt? The same. B-E-Z-O-S. It seems crazy to me that there's got to be a different guy. Yeah. Or a disguise. It's just such a thin disguise is all. But isn't that the exact one that would rouse the least

amount of suspicion don't change your name wholesale just change it a little bit for example from jeff to jeff and bezos to bezos jeff with a g usually has an o after the e is that the case here g e o f f is what it says on the printout here. The Patreon subscribers. Well, like, any way you slice it, I just thought you'd be interested to know about the gloves. Well, I'm kind of more interested in the photo of us that's been captured next to him. Well, not captured.

It was interesting because when I watched it on the TV through the window, I mean, not many people would have noticed it, but because it was a picture of me i i couldn't help looking at it and then later on when i mugged a guy and took his phone and looked it up on the russian internet i couldn't get access to amazon or anything what do you think that's about is that a russia thing or is that a guy thing well i i sorry i should have said i couldn't get access to anything. He had a passcode on his phone. Oh, okay, right.

I gotcha. So it was pretty embarrassing. I took it back to him, and I said sorry about all that, and he said no worries. Nice guy. So, Guy, I guess the question becomes, have the hunters become the hunted? And if so, what steps do we need to take to flip the tables once again because if jeff is

suddenly cottoned on to our tasty little plan i don't think he's going to be stoked to hear he's on his way to getting murdered after he becomes a trillionaire yeah but you're framing it all wrong i think it'll be pretty excited to hear that a couple of people are rolling their sleeves up and pitching him to get him over that trillion dollar mark. You think that's going to be his focus? I think that'll be his focus. Yeah, you could be right there. Sorry, there's some interference on the line there. Do you want to look into that?

No. I just feel like you're talking about some pretty radical ideas in what sounds like a somewhat controlled environment in New Zealand. I mean, you're talking out the front of the Skytower while watching for suspect entrances. I'm in the building. It's made of concrete. I feel very safe here. It's fine. We were able to take it over because, frankly,

Stephen Tindall couldn't organize a militia if his life depended on it, and I know that because it did, and he didn't. Was Stephen Tindall dead? We got him. What? Yeah. We figured it was the only way to be safe sorry did i say dead yeah i mean in jail we've imprisoned him someone's listening to this got something on the line so what kind of jail is he in like your traditional one

no it's very very small there's no windows stinks to high heaven we let him out for six hours a day into the yard because i think what's the yard so the yard is a quadrangle outside that's got fresh air and a little bit of gym equipment what kind of equipment we've got dumbbells set up for him there's a racetrack that sort of runs around the perimeter of the quadrangle if he wants to go and stretch his legs. And interestingly, we've actually got a long jump set up in the middle of it. Nice. I used to love long jump.

He's been practicing his frisbee flop. Frosbee flop is a high jump move. He's been doing the frosbee flop into the long jump sandpit. Yeah. That's going to cause him serious back damage. Not really because we've got high quality sand in there so he's landing all right but you mean to land on a a mat on a padded mat like sand is still hard yeah yeah that's a weird decision he's made but um power to him he's making a fist of his his time in jail which i guess is what entrepreneurs do don't they you look at your limitations and you go oh well is he looking strong um yeah he is he's looking okay we're kind of keeping a bit

of a ceiling on that with his diet he gets um two helpings of gruel a day so he can't sort of get too strong man it's been such a crazy year it just feels like we're so far from where we started in January 2020. Hey, guess, knock, knock, who's there? Change, the only constant. That's my knock, knock joke for you. I appreciate it. I just think we need to stay focused on the Jeff Bezos situation, you know? All of this stuff is going to keep happening around us.

We're not in control of that. Some of it we are. I did manage to put Steven T tinder in jail myself but yeah well i might be in a history book one day well we both might if we do this right i guess i mean there's not a lot to be done really on my end i just got to get on the road and get home i'm just worried about i mean obviously when i arrive in new zealand i'm going to have to quarantine for two weeks anyway is that still the case yeah we've been very strict on keeping those health regulations in place both under the newly formed uh rebellion government and the old stephen tinder one

sorry if i've asked this before what happened to the previous government the Labour Party it got a bit hard for them it got a bit hard for them what does that mean who made it hard for them Stephen Tyndall did it got a bit hard for them so they decided to knock it on the head got a bit hard for them as a euphemism for a military coup yeah I guess that's how you would look at it they're all okay though they've just gone back to some other jobs. I think Grant Robertson, our former finance spokesperson, I think he might be stacking shelves at a New World now, and I heard Jacinda's spending some time with her kid. Yeah, everyone seems to be okay. Are they pariahs well it depends who you ask as all these things go you

know man i just don't think it sounds good no it's quite fine honestly look as i say we're having our little disagreements at the moment we have a bit of a tiff We'll get it sorted out I'm sure by the time You fly over from Kazakhstan Back home to Auckland, New Zealand Which I believe is a direct flight Everything will be tickety-boo

And we'll be back to normal Might even be able to Catch a game of footy As soon as you get back I'd love that Aren't the All Blacks Playing at the moment? Is the Bledisloe Cup

Still happening? Mate, you better believe it. There's two things that we needed to prioritise above all others during the transitional government. One is our response to the pandemic, and two is an insurance that our boys are insulated from all our bickering. So you rest assured they're doing all right. Well, I'm happy to hear that tim

i'm just um how long do you think it's going to take you to get back home guy do you reckon you'll be back here next week well for a start i think it's roughly 1000 kilometers between where i am and um nurse sultan the capital of kazakhstan where the international airport is oh shit that sounds like a bit of a walk yeah how many k's do you reckon you can do a day I reckon you could do 50

I've been training for a marathon so I'm in pretty good shape 50's a lot 50's too much 50's a lot 30 yeah I think

I could do 30 let's do the math on that 30 so that would take you a month and that's every day um yeah it would take me just over a month well but i mean there's other means of transport as well oh okay you're

thinking you might get a lift or something well i don't know where it runs but um the ob river is uh is it cuts through novice bisque. And so if I get a tube, I could jump on that and see how far it takes me. I mean, you say it's cold, and it does feel cold because I'm in nothing but a rag, but it's 7 degrees Celsius right now. Right. And I'm feeling pretty aerodynamic.

Aerodynamic because on account of losing all your body hair. Yeah, and head hair. I just think there's something to be said for a walk because you're in control of that. You know what I mean? The river, things can go wrong. You get in the car. I'm hearing what you're saying.

Someone can take you off track. The river's too dangerous. I need to get on a bike. I need to buy a motorbike. I need to get in someone else's car. I like bike. I need to hitchhike in a truck. Well, no.

I need to find a Russian farmer and get in their truck. I need to make up a false identity. Is that what you're telling me? You're telling me I need to plow the land here in Russia? You're telling me I need to take up work on a farm, start a family, a new life? This is the opposite of what I'm trying

to communicate to you. It's about retaining your focus and your autonomy. Get on the YY Express that are your left and right legs, Tarno and Mahuta, and just pound the pavement until you get to that international airport at Kazakhstan. What if I sorted out a plane ticket for you? How about that?

Is that a sweetener? It would make my life a lot easier. Are you in a position to do that? Mate, I have got a surprising amount of New Zealand currency after managing to finger steven tindall which is a term that we use in the newly formed police force it's not a sex thing i mean look it'll be good it'd be good if you could i um i've sold everything except this rag and the Novichok, which I've quite craftily hidden up my anus. Oh, that's smart.

So I guess... You've got to be careful with that. What sort of protection is it in? Is it in like a little vial? It's just in a leaf. I guess I just need to try and sell some of the Novichok for some Russian rubles, buy myself some shoes so I can walk at a faster pace.

Now we're talking. Get to Kazakhstan within within the month try not to talk to anyone don't get distracted eyes on the prize i find i think quite well when i walk so who knows what kind of brainstorms i'll have for you by the time i'm next on the blower awesome i gotta tell you there's quite a lot of people crowding this phone booth while I'm talking to you. Okay, well, it sounds like you might need to press on. Can I just say... Oh, I don't want to get out of here. They look angry. Oh, really?

Why are they angry? Really hard to say. Yeah. Right now... Oh, it's the guy whose phone... I know, it's the guy. I took his phone. He looks the most angry.

Yeah, I can understand that. Oh, man. i'll be just a minute do you feel like you're in danger right now danger would be a great word for how i feel right now i do feel like i'm in danger yeah all right okay okay well listen i'm gonna leave you to it um just make sure you don't sell too much of the novichok because we do need that to you know there was kind of the whole point of you going over to what i'm gonna do i'm gonna take it out of my arsehole right now and i'm gonna blow it when i leave this phone booth oh that's not a bad idea wait a minute what did you say blow it blow it towards them not all of it right away from me but we still need to

retain a bit of it oh we'll be keeping some of it okay enough for that stuff up my nose he's a fucking smart guy guys why i like you you're smart you're resourceful um hey stay positive out there bud please book me a flight from nur sultan kazakhstan to auckland new zealand my frequent flyer number is seven four seven three two one air new Zealand is preferred. If you can't get Air New Zealand, a Star Alliance partner. If you can't get a Star Alliance partner, I'll fly them whatever you get me on. If you could please set up a bag of clothes for me on arrival, it would make a world of difference. Man, these people are furious.