The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV 1: Joe v Lexi

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

Welcome to the first episode of Killionaire TV. An exciting new fundraising and elimination project created by the people, for the people, in the interest of making the very same people, as wealthy as each other. There is a visual component of this presentation IF YOU WANT IT on our Substack.In our first episode Lexi joins us from Ireland to pitch us about an artificial intelligence torture chamber with Mark Zuckerberg’s name all over it. We then hear from Joe in Nottingham, who proposes assuming commercial ownership of the Amazon rainforest and harvesting the power of the monkeys contained therein, to show Jeff Bezos the time of his life.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website / SubstackGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Kellyanne.

Hi, it's Tim and Guy here. Hi Lexi. Hello. Hello. Hi Joe. Nice to see you both. Hello. I feel underdressed. You feel underdressed? A bit, yeah. You didn't say you guys would be turning up in suits. Yeah, this won't be apparent on the final product, but Joe's internet is complete horseshit, and it's very hard to understand what he's saying right now. Lexi, you concur with that? Or is that our end? I just think it's another advantage and i will take

everything i can get where are you joining us from ireland ireland sunny ireland home of the irish and uh how are you on this fine irish day night evening i'm doing great thanks uh yeah just vibing who's the is there any billionaires in ireland um the only billionaires we have are the people who live here for tax purposes to be quite honest i think we do have some but we just don't really care like we're very um embarrassed to be wealthy i find in ireland what about the the guinness family are they beloved uh yeah i suppose uh they make an ad that we're all just like we all just we all just drop everything for every Christmas, and we're just like, oh my god, the Guinness ad.

It's Christmas again. And if I may use a segue, it sure is Christmas, because Joe has rejoined us to shower us, I'm sure, with an embarrassment of good ideas. All right, folks, welcome to Kill Your Near. Lovely to have you both here. Joe, we hope that your internet sustains the call and we will be deducting no points

for any kind of technical fuckery because that's not up to you. In the marketplace of ideas, a dial-up connection should not hinder you. But Joe, we are interested to know, just could you give us a sentence on how you're going and where you are to ensure that we can hear you loud and clear? I am going well.

I'm in Nottingham, uk uh it's nice and cold here dark yeah it's nice yeah everything you'd imagine from nottingham hold on is that sort of your vibe joe dark and cold is that's a bit of you it's where it ended up yeah yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Folks, I have written down a number that is between 1 and 10,000. Lexi, I'm going to get you to guess first. Whoever wins by getting the closest guess will get to decide who goes first. Lexi, between 1 and 10,000.

6,969 6,969 Yeah, that's a double comedy number Brilliant One of our great minds And Joe Really seizing the maximum opportunity With four digits at your disposal

You're going to be embarrassed when I tell you That that's a sex number Twice So, you know Egg on your face Joe, your number choice, please sex number twice. So, you know, egg on your face. Joe, your number choice, please. 4,203.

Three. Let me do some quick math just to figure out exactly who. Have you got it? I can't get it. It is. Well, I wrote down the number 68. So, Joe, you are indeed closest. I feel like Lexi was, in spirit, was closer. I hear what you're saying, and that's true,

and very magnanimous of you to bring up, but in fact, we are both wrong to say that it is closer. So, Joe, you get to decide. Would you like to go first or second with your pitch? I will go second, if that's okay. Of course. A fascinating power play. Joe, I'm going to mute your mic. You will get to hear what's going ahead of you. So well done on that advantage. But Lexi, without further ado, I believe the floor is now yours to discuss how you will bring about our first trillionaire and then swiftly end their life

okay ladies and gentlemen the jury i hope i never have to say that in future what is the future of the internet the future is vr vr is internet 3.0. As such, I will become the foremost programmer in VR. I will make it great, I will make it brilliant, and I will make it something that is good for everybody. And what happens to things that are good for everybody? That's right, they got bought by conglomerates. The conglomerate will buy me, presumably meta, because you know what the Zook is like. You know, Zook. So, Zook buys me, and then he wants to do, like, you know, his presentations, he goes there and matches

with his soulless beady eyes, and he's just like, hello everybody, whatever. Except what I will do is with the use of this technology, which presumably will obviously skyrocket him towards the trillionaire status, he will do his many, many, many, many, many, many tech demos. Except during one, I,

I will ensure that he does not get out. And if you've ever read the short story, I have no mouth and I must scream, all of humanity, or in this specific instance, Mark Zuckerberg alone, he will exist inside this tortuous reality for what was seen to him centuries upon centuries upon centuries. And when he's in there, I mean, do I really have to get into the whole redistribution aspect? centuries upon centuries upon centuries. And when he's in there, I mean,

do I really have to get into the whole redistribution aspect? Who's going to stop me? Okay, fantastic. Look, there's a lot to like about it, but I do have some questions. Do you have any questions? First of all, it's lovely to hear someone pursuing Zuck. I feel like he gets a bit of a short shrift when we talk about the ultra wealthy and the race to a trillion

dollars but the man is still a massive player hugely and he's got a lot of zeros in his bank account. I feel like in a lot of ways Zucks has taken a big gamble whereby he would either be the first trillionaire or lose all of his wealth on this bet

on Meta. Yeah. So let's assume Meta takes off because let's say as you identified people can't get enough of that gorgeous beautiful virtual reality to cocoon themselves in so can i ask you just a little bit more about the vr that you're going to develop which will attract zuck in the first instance have you got any ideas for for what particularly will be appealing to a sort of a man if we we can call him that, such as Mark Zuckerberg? Well, I think that first of all, it will have every single buzzword you want. I mean, it'll be integratable.

It will have incredible cohesion, adhesion. Right. It'll have all of the adhesions. It will be, I forget what the word is again, that business word that just means nothing but everything at the same time. Synergy? That is it. Synergy.

It'll have the synergy, it'll have the energy, it'll have the anything you want it to have. But most of all, it will actually be good for the people. It will come from within the internet. It will be highly democratized at first, which will show to the world that this is good this is something we want and as i say what happens to the good in the world is it gets bought up by conglomerates and commodified and exploited to fuck as such yeah i believe that is what will

attract the conglomerates namely matter yes so it's going to be it's it's non-specific but it's for a collective good and the honey trap you've laid for zuckerberg is a variety of buzz business words that will lure him in exactly that is the that is the general goal that is what a tech demo is ultimately this does make some sense to me as well by keeping it It's like a good horror movie right You never want to show the monster You never want to describe Specifically to Zuckerberg what he's buying You just want to give him a shape

And let his imagination run wild It's very Silicon Valley It's very now He'll fill in the blanks Absolutely With the best picture His brain can develop Of something he'd want to buy

So you're right Lexi If we just throw in a lot of a lot of words adam he's yeah future facing community focus synergy synergy i've got the word adhesion written down which you said equity seems to be quite overused at the moment maybe it's uh equitable and could you perhaps hold my hand a little from the point at which he buys it to the point at which you have him uh trapped an AI room where he's presenting some of his big ideas? Yes, I'll admit that actually caught my attention as well, Lexi, that aspect of the plan. Tell us more about that.

Well, I suppose like one of the greatest fears that all of humanity has is that AI will ultimately subsume us. is that AI will ultimately subsume us. That like, there's an old thought experiment that goes that if you taught an AI just to collect stamps, it would in some way along the way conclude that the best way to collect stamps is to destroy all of humanity. My goal is to take that element of AI

and direct it solely on that, which is Mark Zuckerberg. As far as the path to that goes, what tends to happen with those conglomerates is that they buy out these smaller startups and they give the higher ups within those startups quite high positions within the new, like, you know, metafied version of what was once pure, democratized

and, you know, for the good of the people, whatever that means. Am I right? And as such, I think that that is how I'm going to get close to him. I'm going to be the one to set it up. I'm going to be the one to just keep the AI smart enough to want to kill all of humanity,

but caged up enough that it can't do anything to anybody but Mark Zuckerberg. I've got just a quick question i need to ask on the back of that which is how do you marry the drive the murderous drive of the ai to mark zuckerberg's bank account how do you ensure that this man is being murdered at one trillion dollars instead of say 999 billion because this could be a very embarrassing experience for all of us if we get it wrong. Well, what do we know about the ultra wealthy? They love yachts. There you go. But also, ostentatious.

They want to announce what they have done. I can imagine like fucking Elon Musk or any billionaire of your choice, like emblazoning the words one billion one trillion whatever number it is they have into like as many children as they can just because that's the kind of sick folk that they are and as such i believe that mark zuckerberg upon getting to one trillion dollars will definitely have some kind of grand celebration and what does mark zberg need? A world where he's loved. And that world is not Earth, because nobody could love that man. As such, he will retreat into his metaverse, and that is where we will strike. Now, Lexi, I am, I'll admit, a big fan of the torture element of this plan. What I am slightly unclear about the the path still to get him to a trillion

through what you're proposing so is the the thing that you'll be so we've got let me try and get this straight let me see if i understand just what in the holy heck is going on here we've got a gifted coder who has named lexi the reigning sovereign of VR, who has coded some sort of super tool, opaque in nature, optimistic in flavor, that has attracted the attention of Mark Zuckerberg, the emperor of the metaverse. Zuck buys it. It's a honey trap. So Zuck buys it, which is an outgoing expense.

It is. Off his balance sheet to you you're getting richer but he's in temporarily getting a little bit poorer at the purchase are you saying that this tool isn't just a total con job but actually does generate some profit for meta and not just some profit but enough to get zuck to a trill because just for your information mark zuckerberg currently sits on about 107 and a half billion dollars pathetic yeah it's embarrassing here's the thing the way in which we get his attention is that this vr is actually good this this isn't just like a honey trap this isn't just like you know an ai

designed to like torture zook it's actually designed to be good and that is what will initially attract him sort of like when he saw instagram and thought you know i'm this is going to be an outgoing initially but if i get this inside of my stable of you know intellectual property i'm going to be sitting on a gold mine yes and given that like you know the outside world is getting more and more scary people retreat into vr it's all like it is almost definitely going to be the next stage of the internet and the next stage of the internet is easily a trillion dollar business and that's going to catapult zook to one trillion it's apparent to me that zack shouldn't know all of

the details of what this vr tool is that you're creating uh do you know what it is that you're making i'm going to be honest with you, fellas. I know not the first thing about coding. I have read a lot of sci-fi, a lot of sci-fi horror, and the concept of AI is fascinating, entwined with the notion of VR being something so all-encompassing and forcing you within its own realm. So no longer is technology

something we invite into us we are going into the realm of technology i find that interesting but for for the grind i am sure i can learn i'm sure i can like in my 20s learn to be the greatest coder on earth and somehow become the uh founder of the great AI experiment of the future. Lexi, thank you so much. Impassioned and... Very articulate. Very articulate and sort of has a dimension that I enjoy about it. You might say a cold, dark dimension,

which is fitting because now we're going to go to Joe. Lexi, would you be kind enough to stay on the line? Joe's very kindly offered you a round of applause. Now, Joe, welcome back to the conversation. Hello. Hello. Obviously, we've heard from Lexi, but now it is your turn. How exactly do you propose we get one of these ultra-wealthy folks

over $1 trillion, and in light of that, how do we eliminate that motherfucker okay i'm gonna start with a question to you fellas love this very shark tank when was the last time you you read or heard news about the amazon rainforest that made you feel good well i don't remember that in my lifetime joe my me neither no no never i hear you say that's right it's always oh the amazon's on fire oh the lungs of our planet are dying at a rate humanity will never recover from it's a fact that just creating a large chunk of earth's breathable oxygen isn't enough to make me give a shit

about the Amazon rainforest. Do you know what will make people give a shit? What? Give it an economy. Get it producing what people really need, which is jobs, consumable products, and most importantly, fat stacks for Jeff.

That's right, I'm pitching we create the first corporate wonder of the world and turn the Amazon rainforest into Amazon's main fulfillment center. It's an easy sell for Brazil. They're sick of that big old waste of land.

It's not producing anything. And it's an easy sell for Amazon, what with all the great PR and cheap monkey-led workforce that's up producing anything. And it's an easy sell for Amazon, what with all the great PR and cheap monkey-led workforce that's up for offer. The idea itself is to hang as much shelving on the trees as possible and cram said shelves with products

and a system of coloured lights. We then train and send out teams of monkeys called Rainbows. Each... Sorry. lights we then train and send out teams of monkeys called rainbows each sorry each rainbow contains seven monkeys each train to grab a product when they see a certain colored by by said product they then bring it to the package bring it to be packaged, receive a banana as a reward, and a tax-free payment. Amazon people will love that. I estimate you could have as many as 15 rainbows working at once on each square mile of the Amazon Rain Fulfillment Center. Sorry, Joe?

Yeah? um i just think sorry joe yeah could you just give me that uh 15 rainbows per square what was it each square mile of the amazon rain for fulfillment center that's that's what i'm calling it sorry continue um okay uh just think about all the fire suppression needed in a location with so much sweet inventory did somebody say no more forest fires and what about the aboriginal people who call the amazon rainforest their home don't you mean what about the customer experience managers of the amazon fulfillment center that call this corporation family, I think they're doing all right. How do we go about killing Jeff once all this amazing PR and monkey hijinks earns him an easy trill? Well, I met a man called Coco at the British Wildlife Centre and he has his very own trained monkey, though trained for a very different reason. We slip Claire the Gibbon into

the grand Amazon for Fulfillment Centre and when Bezos inevitably goes for a visit, old Claire gets the work. Now I know you might be thinking but Coco has reassured me often that claire used to belong to um ex-labor leader jeremy corbyn and is a strife socialist um it has some real ideas for the money but there may need to be a backup plan regarding a trillionaire gibbon um and whatever fallout that may bring but that that is the extent of my idea the amazon rainforest is a constant source of bad news we're going to revamp it as a positive pr exercise and amazon will use it as some sort of front-facing ecological warehouse to involve training you know huge numbers of monkeys and also empowering and employing the indigenous people belonging to the amazon rainforest yeah it

seems like we're throwing that word around pretty liberally but um empowering if i remember joe's pitch quickly he said they sound like they're doing just fine oh that's true that was part of the pitch yeah thank you jobs i think the word that we all need to remember through this plan is jobs yeah okay it may be cold and it may be dark but the important thing to remember is jobs you think joe you should think jobs that's right jobs are being created um so this obviously turns into be an incredibly prosperous and profitable rainforest jeff comes for a visit inevitably i really like the idea that you're working with the Amazon rather than against it,

like hanging shelves on the trees rather than cutting them down, including the monkeys in the warehouse rather than destroying the habitats and murdering them. It feels like a more inclusive way of getting Jeff Bezos to a trillion dollars. It feels like, if I could coin a phrase, positive exploitation. I think, Tim, that we probably have heard all we have time for from Joe and from Lexi.

So what we're going to do now, guys, is we're going to mute ourselves as we confer with one another over whose plan we will be looking to pursue further. Thank you both so much for your time. Both excellent plans. Can I lead with that? We're going to converse for a little bit now,

but I just want to stress. If you stay on the call in a couple of minutes, we'll be right back to pass on our decision. First of all, can I say, I don't know where these recruits are coming from, but they are full of beans and they've got some great ideas. It's got to be Joe, right? I mean...

Look, I love the sci-fi element of Lexi. I love the gusto of going, I don't know how to code, but very swiftly off the back of my own passion, I can easily become the world's best programmer a lot to love in there a lot of heart to the plan but realistically well there's joe's a man with distinct vision joe's connected all of the dots for us i mean i totally am on board with what lexi's proposing. Yeah. And I don't doubt her ability to do it, but there's a huge area that is still out of focus for me

between concept and execution. Yeah. Whereas Joe, yeah, he's literally held our hand through the entire Amazon rainforest. Yeah. And I mean, it's... There is something awkward to me about the inclusion of the indigenous people

of the Amazon and the fulfillment center plan. I think to me Joe could have glossed over the fact that people are already living inside of the rainforest. So this to my ears was Joe's way. If my colonial ears have heard correctly it's a more

inclusive plan. He leaves it out completely and it's up to us to either ask or ignore that, or he creates, you know, this is a comedy show, let's remember. He creates a reason that inside of the world of the book. Oh yes, if any lawyers are here, this is a comedy show. He creates a way in which, you know, they are also, I guess, taken care of, which is probably the wrong phrase. But, you know.

Yeah. No, I hear what you're saying. I feel like he's thought about it from multiple angles. Yeah. I also, there's something about the fact that Joe has named these groups Rainbows. You like that? The teams of seven monkeys. It's very corporate to me.

You know what I mean? It's not a team of seven enslaved monkeys Working in an Amazon fulfillment center It's a rainbow Delivering your package It's a rainbow Exciting you with the customer experience Also like These are all shelves

These monkeys deliver But it sounds like you can also go and shop In the Amazon rainforest I think that's just where they get Because it's like a warehouse It's a fulfillment center There are Amazon stores You can buy online on Amazon

But they've also got stores set up With their best-selling items if i've ever wanted a reason to visit the rainforest i've suddenly been given one i'm gonna get a skateboard fucking trees yeah i'm gonna go and browse amazon's top selling items in the company of teams of rainbows what do you want to buy i don't know whatever looks like the best deal is on sale yeah that's right this is the beauty of shopping tim He's talking about consumable goods. I don't even need anything in my life. Okay, well, look, let's play devil's advocate for a moment. Let's just kick the tires on Lexi's plan a little bit.

I mean, I think there's a chance that if Meta took off really quickly and VR got, you know, clutched into the public's bosom, there's viability there as well. It's a big swing for the fences, but it might come off. I agree, but to me, Mesa's just, you know, I don't understand a lot about evaluations or perception amongst the people. Neither does Lexi, and that's what I like about the plan.

It's a bit chaotic. Yeah, M meta does not feel Like a safer bet Like Jeff Bezos Has got a running start We've got Literally Detailed plans

On how we can execute This with Joe Well we haven't discussed Before as well As I think there's Actually a good chance That someone's going to Get to Zuck before we do

Yeah Before he crosses The one trail line He's not a well liked man No I mean none of them are But there is a particular... Zach feels less protected somehow.

Yeah. Because he's sort of doing his weird AI presidential trail thing. He's always on jet skis with too much sunblock. He's like a big target rolling around on a lake. We're running out of time here, so I feel like we've made a decision. Tim, I'm going to leave it to you to confer our judgment to our two esteemed guests. Joe and Lexi, thank you so much for bearing with us through that period of conferment. What you wouldn't have heard just then was an impassioned discussion as we discussed

the merits and whatever minor drawbacks we could find in both of your ideas. But we have reached a conclusion. Tim, I'll leave it to you. Lexi, we loved the sci-fi elements. We loved the sci-fi elements. We loved the passion with which you spoke. I particularly liked the ambition of going from zero technical knowledge swiftly to the world's best programmer, driven by nothing more than a desire to see a man get really rich and then die. Or, in the case of your specific example, be imprisoned in some sort of digital Iron Maiden for an amount of time he will experience as centuries. Joe, I liked a lot of details about your plan. It spoke to the corporatized world that we live in.

I liked the fact that the inclusion of Jeremy Corbyn's trained monkey added an element of trust to the plan and depending the whole thing. Ultimately, Joe, we have decided your plan will go forward. You are the winner of this round of Kill Your Near. Lexi, thank you so much for contributing your great ideas. And that concludes the round. Both, thank you so much for your time

and your incredibly articulate sort of explorations and explanations. Should we all clap? We should all clap. Maybe we should all. Yeah. Congratulations, everybody. Yeah, it's hugely appreciated. Would you like to say anything to us, Lexi,

before we all go our separate ways? I'm heartbroken uh don't know what i'm gonna do with myself honestly um i think i'm just going what i'm going to do is i'm going to become the first trillionaire just to really look at you two and say do it fucking do it all right wow well hopefully i am instantly filled with regret for our decision hopefully you'll be able to look to this moment as sort of a turning point in your life where you pursued what feels like, you know,

great material wealth and possibly spiteful evil towards us. Lexi, I have an amazing fundraising idea for you. Okay, we're going to terminate this call before both of these contributors turn on us but thank you both so much for your time joe will be in touch lexi we really appreciate you taking the time and effort and joe congratulations yeah thank you thank you © transcript Emily Beynon