The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV 12: Jo vs Bradney

Episode Date: September 9, 2022

Guy is choosing an exciting animal scale and this episode's Killionaires are picking exciting new ways to enrich and then off some of the wealthy humans on the planet. Bradney's combined the time-honoured elements of raffle tickets, space travel and David Hasselhoff. For her part, Jo has finally recognised Guy and Tim as the pioneers they are and wants to use that to draw Bezos into an intergalactic trap. Who will win? We know, but you don't so listen to join us in our knowledge camp.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Killionaire.

Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of Killionaire TV. Stop yelling, they're right here. The only television show That has the bravery To fundraise for a billionaire And kill them Upon arrival At trillionaire status I'm Guy Montgomery I'm Tim Batt

And we are joined By our two Ideas smiths Did you say This was a comedy Project? I didn't Because I think

We have to say that It is suggested It's a comedy It is a comedy project Serving suggestion This should be taken With a dollop of Humour and laughs Because that is how we have to say that. It is suggested it's a comedy project. Serving suggestion, this should be taken with a dollop of humour and laughs

because that is how we avoid sentencing. We are joined in today's exciting episode by Bradney all the way from America. Hello, Bradney. Hello, guys.

You are our first caller to join us from the great outdoors. And can I say what a breath of fresh air that is. Thank you. It's about 70 degrees here, or as you would calculate it, warm. Thank you. I think that's a much better system than a number.

Warm. Everyone understands warm. Not everyone understands 70, Bradney. But look, I'm not here to pick fights with you thank you for joining us we're very grateful to have your company and bradney will be pitching against joe hello joe hi guys hello we're good thank you we're also not entirely convinced that joe isn't an ai um beautifully rendered with that kind of vhs grade on top yeah joe i believe you're joining us from the united kingdom and you're in the great indoors could you give us a temperature

reading is it cold warm or hot it's cold all right it's good to know it's nice to have a real sort of temperature like feel for how our pictures are going you love the temperature don't you i just like to know about it we're in an air-conditioned room. It's the perfect temperature inside, but it's too warm out. Now, to kick things off, I'm going to choose a number between 1 and 26. Always a number with you. Pick something else. Okay. I'm going to choose an animal between mouse and elephant.

Yeah, perfect. Whoever guesses with respect to size, the closest to my animal will get to choose the running order for the pictures today. I've written down my animal. Bradney, you can choose first. Pick an animal between mouse and elephant.

Mouse and elephant inclusive, by the way. Ferret. Ferret. Ferret, okay. And Jo, what would you like to choose? Llama. Llama. Well, my selection was domestic house cat,

which I would argue is much closer in size to a ferret. So, Bradney, congratulations. You have won the first part of the show. You get to choose the running order. Would you like to pitch first or second? Well, I think I'm just going to go ahead and dispense with my nerves, so I'll just get mine out of the way.

Fantastic. Love where your head's at. Joe, we will now mute your microphone. It doesn't need to be okay with Joe. That's the beauty of choosing the right animal. It's the beauty of winning. You dictate the terms. Can I say this? I know she can hear us. It's true. Fuck Joe. Hey, I can't mute someone and then say, hold on Joe, the terms can i say this i know she can hear us it's true fuck joe hey this is brandy's time

mute someone and then say hold on joe i'm going to unmute you so you can respond you've got right of response talk your shit oh that's all right i was just gonna say you're a piece of shit really walked into that one okay brandy the is yours. Your pitch may begin whenever you're ready. Well, it's nice to see you, gentlemen. Today I'm coming to you on the front lawn of Forest Lawn Cemetery in Glendale, California, part of Los Angeles. And as you can see, it is beautiful out. Beautiful front lawns. Holy hell.

This is the final resting home of several celebrities and also various wealthy individuals. So I thought it would be good inspiration for this conversation today. But while it is, in fact, undeniably beautiful here, rest assured, gentlemen, that the world is in crisis. We are living in trying times. Right now, democracy is under threat globally. that the world is in crisis. We are living in trying times. Right now, democracy is under threat globally. The Earth itself is falling apart. There's a new space race that seems to be only relegated for the ultra-elite and wealthy of the world.

And also, we constantly seem to be in need of a tasty bite that we can carry along on our busy day-to-day lives. Well, I have a solution for all those things. It's an old-fashioned community-style raffle, but for the entire globe. It's a raffle on which every person on the planet can submit as many times as they like, buy as many raffle tickets as they like, and it brings together several of the world's wealthiest individuals who will act as patrons or sponsors for an individual to be selected to go into outer space. It's nothing exciting. It's just something

that everyone always wants to do. And the individuals being brought together are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, the wild card of Warren Buffett, who won't actually be participating in this. He's going to send his avatar, David Hasselhoff, selected by Warren Buffett. So that brings it all together for the Bez Musk-Zuck-Buff-Hoff extravaganza. A globally televised special where there will be entertainers of various stripes from around the globe to be a worldwide television event uh and during which the the winner will be chosen so each participant uh pays a hundred dollars for a chance in the raffle it's unlimited the number of tickets you can buy for this raffle. Each purchase of a ticket does come along with one free Big Bite hot

dog from the extravaganza sponsor 7-Eleven. So the selection will be made on this live televised event bringing together all the billionaires. You get to choose who your raffle ticket money goes to. So all the millions and millions and millions, if not possibly a billion tickets sold worldwide, that money will then be selected and funneled to particular billionaires. Now, I haven't quite done the math on this, but my guess is that the stock evaluation alone from whichever billionaire gets the most tickets purchased in their name

will probably push them close to the trillionaire point, if not well over. And then during this, I think what I've arrived at so far, and this is where things get a little dodgy and sketchy, because while I'm simultaneously proposing a globally televised event to bring the world together for that great chance to escape the bounds of the gravity of the blue marble that we all hold so dear, but yes, still want to get the hell away from. I'm also outlining some sort of plot to kill the person

in a somewhat surreptitious manner. So I'm thinking that it might just be, we might have to, and this, I think you guys are going to have to edit this out or something for legal reasons, because now I'm proposing how we're going to do this, and I'm thinking about contacting and fomenting some outrage and some sort of extreme environmental activist terrorist group that will plot

to kill the winning participant. I think also as part of the global televised event sponsored by 7-Eleven, there's going to have to be something in there where the winning billionaire is going to look dead-eye into the camera and take a drink from

a super big gulp. I think having that laced with some sort of poison where the person then dies on live TV and if it's possible spend some time and money, do some research and see if we can get a poison that intentionally causes the

poison to jerk wildly like some sort of comic dancing fashion and maybe make like smirks and horrible facial uh contortions that somewhat approximate uh like a tongue-in-cheek you know like goofy sarcastic look um all while dying and um yeah gentlemen that's that's my pitch wow okay bradney first of all thank you second of all you got a dark heart brother you want to find a poison that specifically causes uh this trillionaire to convulse on live television as they're dying and manipulate their face in a way where they have a smirk did you say that would be your preference yeah like a smirk or like some sort of like you know like really campy sarcastic

you know like over-the-top acting you know like a guffaw or something like that a guffaw could you uh represent that face for us now using your own something something like that roughly thank you like i i you know i mean think of uh some it's somewhere between like kurt vonnegut and like early jim carrey movies you know i i think i get the broad strokes with which you're painting uh now yeah first of all i've got to say this bradney first outdoor um correspondent or person to pitch and to do that from an elite cemetery it's a real touch of class it adds a certain je ne sais quoi

the likes of which we've not I mean people have been putting a lot of time and energy into these but to physically relocate yourself to the resting place of whoever gets to a trillion dollars that's sensational. It's hot shit Bradney I like that you've given it a catchy name the Bezmusk-Zuck-Buffhoff extravaganza.

I think that alone is going to generate a lot of interest, which in turn is going to sell a lot of tickets. Can I try one punch up, though? Have you written it down? Oh, please do. Where is it? Here. Okay.

Let me pitch you on this. Let me re-pitch you, Bradney. What if we called it the Be base mask zuck buff hoff off now that that just put the polish on that that huge piece of excrement yeah okay excellent excellent you can polish it too uh i mean nice job i i like so basically the the main means of fundraising here is through the sales of these raffle tickets. That is correct? Yeah.

Well, hold on. Because there was a tertiary aspect, a secondary aspect to this, which was, so you believe we're going to make public, you buy a raffle ticket, you get to attribute it to whatever contestant you want. That information is put into the public eye. And I believe you said that we would expect that public confidence to filter through into the stock performance of these people.

So if Elon's in front, Tesla's stock will rise up. Obviously, Elon is the chief holder of Tesla stock, so his net wealth shoots through that trillion glass ceiling. We would need a stock watcher to keep an eagle eye on the evaluation of these different companies because as soon as we Yeah, if only there was a real time tool that analyzed

the stock market tickers of every company. If only something like that existed. We can dream. Sorry, Bradney, over to you i think uh you know there's a lot of like rollout to this and a lot of advertising you know drumming up support and since it's going to be such a huge worldwide event i think you know i think um being able to like keep track of like what patron is receiving the most votes per raffle ticket would be rolled out in advance and so we're kind of all have an eye on it and exciting like who's going to win this race

is it going to be bezos is it going to be zuckerberg and so i think we'll have an idea in advance and it could happen well in advance of the actual raffle drawing date i see so and also i've got a question the raffle it costs a hundred dollars to enter the raffle what do you win as a ticket holder like what's in it to buy a ticket so here's the thing you get the chance to go to space so i feel like you failed to mention that brand new you're just adding this ad hoc no no no no that's the original conceit uh you're buying raffles uh raffle tickets for the opportunity to go to space now you get to pick who the money goes to in reference to who your patron saint to send you into space is.

If you believe in Bezos' vision to go to space, if you believe in Zuckerberg's vision to go to space, that's how you attribute who the money goes to. But you yourself are buying the ticket for an opportunity to go to space. Now the stock bit makes more sense. And also, you're compensated by a coupon

for one free big bite hot dog from 7-eleven sorry i did forget about that you did mention that oh so i thought it seemed important i thought everyone who bought a 100 raffle ticket got the free hot dog that's just for the winner no no no no you you get yeah every ticket comes with a hot dog so if you spend a thousand dollars you get 10 you get 10 free big bites from 7-eleven which is you know very tasty tasty portable meal you know it's i gotta say at a thousand dollars for 10 of them it's not great value for money but what i like is we've got 7-eleven is the prime sponsor and so the winner the patron saint of the winner will then as a promotional tie-in that's when you have them slurping on the big gulp that's when you see them on camera that's when they do that iconic face as they go downhill

i'm wondering whether or not because like you said we do leave a paper trail if we reach out to one of these environmentalist activist groups or you know by the way can i offer up um extinction rebellion i feel like their hearts in the right place but those guys are messy bitches maybe they could be co-opted so easily if if we do that we leave a paper trail what if we make the promotion of the event broadly antagonistic enough that they are motivated to act of their own free will too risky i think that's isn't that what brandy i think it leaves a lot of it well i i think it leaves a lot of variables um i think you know having some sort of inside person to go and foment directed hate with a directed method of death at a specific time i think that

secures the greatest like uh outcome for killing air tv well we need to be specific yeah prescriptive i have no further questions for you. I think we've taken enough of your time. Jo has been waiting very patiently, so we will now put Bradney on mute. Man, having a really hard time getting my words out today. And Jo, thank you for waiting. How are you feeling?

That's okay. Yeah, good, thank you. Okay, well, the floor is now yours. We're very excited to hear your big idea. Okay, so for my scheme to get someone to be a trillionaire, the Frosty fellas are going to space. So I'm looking at Jeff Bezos here and his Blue Origin space tourism company,

and we're going to push that over the trillion dollar mark. Fantastic. I see you guys as trendsetters really i mean it's quite a few years ago now you start a little podcast called the worst idea of all time and now 2022 everyone's got a podcast coincidence i don't think so so you guys start a trend. You get the Patreons behind you and get your first ticket and you record a podcast in space and then everyone's doing it. You're such trendsetters.

So this is a big boost to the space tourism economy. There's hundreds, thousands of these a year now and that's that's gonna push bezos over the edge into being the world's first trillionaire and then the assassination plot kind of goes hand in hand because then he's so delighted at being the world's first trillionaire that he decides to throw a party in space and And the Frosty fellas are the guests of honor because you kind of started the whole trend off. You got him there. So he's grateful.

So you have a really nice party in space. It's very exciting. You're all in a room slash capsule together or whatever it is. And then you guys decide to present, as the world's first trillionaire you decide to present him with a trillionaire's award and this is beautiful award it's quite a sort of spiky sharp kind of glass steel design to the award right it looks lovely but it's you know it's quite pointy and also dipped in an undetectable poison. So as you are presenting the award to Bezos you sort of just nick his hand a little bit

as you're handing it over and then you pile on the Kiwi apologies like, oh, so sorry, didn't mean to and he's like, no you all get on with the party everyone said have a good time you carry on through the course of the evening he seems to be sort of stumbling about a bit slurring everyone's just like he's excited he's the world's first trillionaire he's just having a good time no, yeah, also, you're in space. I mean, whose jurisdiction is that under?

Nobody's. So no worries there. And, yeah, by the time you get back down to Earth, Bezos is defeated, money's transferred to you, and you can ride off into the sunset and grab a coffee with Coffee Guy. Think of your next diabolical plan wow thank you so much joe thank you okay and can i say first of all it's so nice to finally get credit for that being the trendsetters that well you know it's difficult for us to be the people

to say it but obviously before we started podcasting it wasn't where it is today so thank you joe thank you for identifying that joe you're welcome well that's just how i see it the key to winning any contest is to identify who the judges are and massage their egos i have found joe also if i'm not very much mistaken you run the um guy montgomery out of contextext Twitter account, right? Yeah, nearly. Yeah, No Context Guy Montgomery on Twitter. Yeah, that's it.

How's the account going? How many people following that? Oh, a few. It goes up a few every time Guy shares something, so thanks for that, Guy. Well, I'm really patting myself on the back when I do it. Thanks to you, Joe. Well, I mean, look, it's a very simple idea. Space podcasting.

It hinges almost entirely on the popularity of podcasting space. And look, to be honest, I don't see an issue with that. I think if we start podcasting in space. Podcasting. Yeah, pod podcasting in space. In space pods. In space. Yeah.

Imagine if we got Tim Curry on the first episode. That'd be so good. Yeah. So I think that works. I really like, I mean, I'm interested in the killing of Jeff Bezos because as you say, if we're in space, it feels like it's outside of traditional jurisdiction. We're in international waters, baby. And I love-

What happens in space stays in space. I love any plan that involves international waters, frankly. Because I feel like this is a legal landscape no one really understands. And we're all kind of making up our own version of what international waters means. It also sort of elevates the space mace because it's like- The space mace? The space mace sort of elevates the space mace because it's like...

The space mace? The space mace for the winner of the space race. Is that not what we're awarding Jeff Bezos? It sounds like. A space mace. Poison, steel and glass thing. Like, it sounds like we could just kill him. Yeah.

With the mace, but instead we're just very gently poisoning him with the mace. It's a beautiful Trillian as award. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because to bludgeon him would be too naked, too obvious. He's probably got security.

Can I ask, is there a poison you have in mind that we've dipped this mace in, or is that still to be created? Well, I think that was once you've got the revenue for the first couple of space flights, before the sponsorship money takes over on that front, you can then divert your attentions and the Patreon fund money

to R&D on this poison. We splinter some of the Patreon money into researching poisons. It does feel like we are leaving a... Slightly Putin-esque. Yeah, and a pretty big paper trail of just exactly what we're up to. I like that you're playing to our egos, and in turn you're funneling our egos into playing into Jeff Bezos' ego. You understand how the world works.

This is how you take down men. Yeah, you tell them they're awesome. You're doing great. And then you stab them with a trophy that's laced with poison. Everyone knows that. How many people do you imagine are going to be at the space party? I think not so many that it doesn't feel exclusive,

but still enough to be a good atmosphere. That's 68 people. And what sort of calibre of guests are we talking? Like, you know, are we going to be mixing and mingling with the universe's best and brightest? Yeah, well, I don't know.

Whoever Jeff Bezos' friends are, some famous people, some guys that you have never seen before, but they're really rich. A couple of mix of those in there. This is a question for both of you. Do you think that McKenzie would turn up, his ex-wife? Are they on good terms? No. I don't think he's inviting her to his trillionaire party.

I think he's probably going to be on the pull. Yeah. I don't think he's inviting her to his trillionaire party. I think he's probably going to be on the pull. Yeah, that's true. I don't know that there's a huge amount of animosity between them. This is all total speculation, obviously. But I feel like they've done a lot together. So there's probably some beneath the hurt that they've caused one another currently. There's still a begrudging respect, respect perhaps i feel like i should be doing their counseling sessions i would love to i would i mean no one's pitched this yeah but by the um

relationship therapist well i would love to get in between jeff and mckenzie and say guys let's figure this out for the kids yeah Yeah. And the kids are earthlings. All us humans. Okay, Joe, I don't have any questions. I understand your plan. I get it. So I think at this point, unless Guy's got anything pressing. No further questions. The only thing that's left to do is mute everyone's microphones,

including our own, to the ears of Joe and Bradney, while Tim and I rigorously discuss the merits of both ideas and adjudge a winner so thank you very much for your pictures we'll be with you shortly okay we're on mute first things first to go to a cemetery for killian here yeah is brilliant i know i don't know if that should like like, count towards the eventual winner. It does show, you know, a level of commitment. We've got two plans. A like and kind and fair Verona where we lay our scene.

Space. Poison. Starcross lovers. Yeah. There's similarities to these You know Well one of the But space is the only similarity Because to me

And poison Yeah poison Because in the 7-Eleven Super Big Golf There is poison And on the trophy We don't even know How poisoned it is

It feels like there's similar poisons Because in the 7-Eleven Big Golf He does the face Yeah And in the In the Space Mace Poison He sort of like Starts stumbling around.

He gets a bit woozy. Yeah. Feels like he's getting woozy both times. I'm imagining Jeff also wins in the raffle. Look, they're different in that one of them hinges on us going to space and making a podcast. Huge outlay of time and commitment for us, but also could be pretty cool. Nice fun. Must be groundbreaking.

It could be pretty cool. Must be groundbreaking. The other one hinges on enough people having enough hundred dollars to inflate both in reality and artificially the capital of one of these guys' companies to that trillion dollar mark. Do you think that people at large at the moment have great enough confidence they won't be, say, exploded upon launch for these billionaires space programs like do you think people trust the rockets enough well okay well i'll put it to you right now if you could go to space on a blue

origin flight for a hundred dollars would you do it if someone paid me a hundred dollars i wouldn't do it you wouldn't do it if i wouldn't trust those rockets yet well whose technology are we using to go to space to podcast Um NASA's Well Do you trust NASA No it sounds like It's Blue Origin Because it's a Bezos

Oh yeah That we're doing on that one So in one In one instance You need to be paid A hundred dollars To go to space And the other one

You're voluntarily Going to space to podcast It's psychological isn't it Because I feel like If we're being put In space to podcast More people are like Doing the safety checks And the engineers are giving a shit.

Whereas if it's a raffle to me, it feels more janky. Oh, maybe I'm just putting my head into like a kind of circus fairground. Yeah. I think you are in a circus ground because if it's a raffle, do you know how many like times they have to test that? Because if all eyes are on this raffle,

everyone is watching the one person, you know, the Charlie bucket experience. They've got the golden ticket. They're going to space i think that there's i mean i look i'm less interested in space confidence and i'm more interested in consumer confidence do you think that enough people are going to spend enough hundred dollars to to to make this right they do get a free hot dog they do get the hot dog yeah you forget about that i mean that partnership with 7-eleven is just class isn't it yeah what is your gut telling you i like the 7-eleven brand tie in a lot it's like a sleepy giant that i think in years gone by someone could have foreseen into the future

a dystopian reality where 7-eleven was a megorp, that whoever owned it was a billion or trillionaire but like it didn't happen, we forked in a different direction where we followed our tech virgin nerd lords into this NFT filled fucking garbage space of a reality Well so keep talking though

like what are you favouring? Well on that basis and also Bradney's got a certain energy to him that I like. Yeah. I like both these contestants' energies actually. Jo's very charming. She's very cheeky.

She told you you're a big piece of shit after you took a bite out at her. You like that? It's good stuff. I'll tell you, I think- I'm very torn. I'm very torn. I'm very torn. I'm on the fence.

I think I'm just slanting towards Joe because I just feel like anytime the basis of the plan is relying on people to funnel their own money in, there's both leaps of faith and logic in both of these ideas, but there's something about asking people to pay $100 for a raffle.

I know that they're getting a free hot dog, but even then, like, when you buy a raffle, you don't think you're going to win. And a big part of the risk-reward is like, you know, but I'm willing to part with $10 for the chance I might. That's true. Hundreds to ten. Hundreds, but it needs to be 100 because that's how, you know, you need to sell a lot of tickets to raise the money.

You've convinced me. Do you want to tell them? I will. I can if you want. It's up to you. I'll do it. I'll do it. I got it.

I can do it. I can do it. Hey, folks. Hey, welcome back. Thanks for the beautiful shot of the water feature while we were waiting, Bradney. Were you wearing sunglasses before? No. Wow? No.

I was trying to be professional before. Now I don't give a shit. Yeah, but now you're ice cold, baby. Well, you guys, we loved both of these pictures a lot. We like that they are both revolving around space, a subject of great fascination for our billionaires, hopefully come trillionaires.

Bradney, the raffle, the 7-Eleven tie-in, the poison and the big gulp. And to be honest, most of all, those three hot dogs really, they took us on a journey and we can really see a lot of potential in the idea. Joe, obviously the pat on the back, the idea of us podcasting in space

being enough to drive others to do the same and translating the value of Blue Origin. Weing in space being enough to drive others to do the same we're translating the value of blue origin we are trendsetters we like that and the space mace for the space race i know that's not what you called it but it's what your idea you know somewhere in the ether called it uh it's great and look it was really tough for us to choose but basically it came down to what do we think has a more realistic chance of happening and bradney this will shock you but we think us podcasting in space is going to get a lot of other people on the wave there's a lot of podcasts in the world since we started we just had a bit of an issue with the hundred dollar price point for a raffle we don't know how many

consumers actually have that kind of walking around money to put in and so that is why in this episode joe you have had the winning pitch. Congratulations. Yay, thank you. Congratulations. So Jo, would you like to say anything now that you've won? Oh, just thank you very much for the opportunity to pitch. And I take no legal responsibility for this idea.

You'll be taken quite a lot. Bradney, anything to say? You know, we commiserate with you. Obviously, we adjudged you the loser today, but we also, our heart goes out to you. You put a lot out there. It was a great idea, and you really traveled to a cemetery for this.

How are you feeling? Well, you know, it's funny. I just changed the price point, like about 15 minutes before I pitched, solely so I could hopefully work out the math and that was probably taking the math seriously probably my downfall bradney what was the original ticket price of the raffle five dollars five dollars do you know what a fucking done it i i would have said no i think five's too low i would have split the diff i think you can

get in there for like 40 or like i just think five is too like it's it's difficult to find the right price point but you know i like that you're thinking about it and uh i really like the idea thank you so much for the time that you've both put into this we really appreciate it uh bradney will be seeing i'll tweet it you guys when the show is on yeah yeah we'll be seeing you when we see you because it's going ahead it's still going ahead oh yeah well i can't wait to buy a ticket i don't care they're a hundred dollars i'll invest man i want one of those hot dogs uh congratulations to you both we look forward to seeing you online and joe your idea will be proceeding to the winner's circle otherwise too many congratulations uh i'd

just like to congratulate joe and i'd like to say to Bradney, you know, don't let the man get you down. Don't get over-encumbered by math. I think that's the moral of today's episode. I think it feels like Tim's calling me the man there, and it was intended to put down, but to be described as the man is actually kind of cool. In high school, when we used to call someone the man, it meant that they were the best.

Bye, everyone. This is the best. Bye, everyone. This is the best. Signing off. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.