The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV 2: Brad v Dylan

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Episode Two is upon us and it is a hotly contested doozy! New Zealand's own Dylan joins us with a thick kiwi accent to propose using the power of boats, French accents and the power of love to bring Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk to a tragic ending. Meanwhile Brad is on the line from the Lone Star State with a Disney’s Cars book full of graphs and big dreams of helping the CEO of Amazon monopolise US production using the farms of the mid-West.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Killianere.

Welcome along to another exciting episode of Killianere TV, the only program looking to fundraise and execute some of our globes, best and brightest. Sure, you haven't said that word in a while. You got unconfident about the word globes. Wow. We might have some flat earthers on our hands. Oh, that's a good point.

Yuck anyone's yum before they launch into some pitches. I'm joined as always by my assumed associate, Tim Batts. And today, pitching their ideas, we have Dylan. Hello, Dylan. Hello. How's it going? Hey, an accent. A Kiwi accent. Not unlike our own.

And from further afield I believe we have Brad. Hello Brad. Yeah, I sound a little different but yes, I'm here and excited still. Is that an Invercargill accent that I hear? Is it the South Island of New Zealand? No, I was raised in Texas here in the United States, home of several billionaires. Oh, okay.

That's good work for or against you. Don't want to brag about it. Well, thank you so much, Brad, and congratulations on being raised in Texas. Guy, what I'm going to ask you to do is write down a number on the piece of paper in front of you, which Brad and Dylan cannot see, between 1 and 100,000

Between 1 and 100,000, okay I'm going to write the two numbers down at either end and then I'm going to choose a number which is going to be Dylan, I'm going to ask you first what number would you like to select whoever has the closest guess will get to pick who goes first. I would like to select 27,342.

Okay. And Brad, what number would you like to choose? I would like to choose 168.5, which is the current net worth of Jeff Bezos in billions. 168.5. Some relevancy there. Okay. Guy, what was the number that you selected?

Well, I selected the number 245,000. Okay, so that's actually larger than 100,000, doesn't it? So you seem to have failed at the first hurdle here. You've even written down 100,000. And then you've also written down 245,000. I'm a words guy. I've said that from the start. I'm not a numbers guy. I have

written down a pretty big number. You've written down a number so large. In fact, I don't know if we can get a shot of this from our crew, but it's in the middle. He's written it in the middle of the scale as if it's representative of the midway point that is equidistant. It's not. It's off the page.

I guess it was meant to be a different number, but it's not. It's off the page. It was meant to be, I guess it was meant to be a different number, but it's not. It's what it is. The higher number is Dylan's, 27,000. So, Dylan, you have the honor, and I apologize to both of you for my idiocy, but you have the honor of choosing the running order for the forthcoming pitches.

Would you like to go first or second? I've been chatting to Brad, and I am really keen to see what he has got in store. So I'm going to ask Brad to go first. That's very kind of you, Dylan. Thank you so much. That's quite kind. Thank you.

I feel as though he's probably trying to use it to his own advantage, but I've taken the liberty of muting Dylan. So whenever you feel ready, we would love to hear your plan to get someone to a trillion dollars and then perhaps find a way to end their fantastic run gentlemen my my pitch to you to create the world's first trillionaire is as simple as this. It's just two words. It is grain and brain. What's a fun,

popular, and usually hip-hop-based slang term for money? Bread. Welcome, Jeff Bezos, to the American Midwest. America's breadbasket. He's conquered shopping.

He's conquered cloud-based data storage. The man has even conquered space. The only thing left to conquer is human nourishment. Because Nestle already fucked us on water so we grant Jeff Bezos through

government grants obtained by the already established and standard means of congressional bribery. The bulk of America's farmlands, much of which is already primed for automation. So no workers needed. That's a big selling point for Jeff. He can

grow a range of products such as wheat, potatoes, soybeans, and even sorghum. Once the grand and fertile lands of America's heartland is within Jeff's hands,

it's only a matter of time until he squeezes every ounce of wealth from the world's growing number of hungry. from the world's growing number of hungry. I'll show him financial information, such as charts, graphs, and figures. We don't usually interrupt the pictures, but could you just flash me that cover of that notebook again? Yeah.

Disney's Cars? It's the notebook I use for charts, graphs, and figures. Okay, cool. Which I will show Jeff Bezos. And that will help me gain his trust and also as you can probably

tell by now I'm a full time and fun time party animal that's a healthy swig. Oh, and a bite. You are a cool guy, Brad. Exactly.

So he'll enjoy spending time with me. Such as spending nights by pools wearing sunglasses. Or speaking over actors during interviews and this will

grant me access to part two of my plan and I don't know how well this translates but in American parlance to brain a person means to dome

in the back of their skull with like a heavy object such as like a wrench a wrench, a pipe or a metal bat I've named this one Tim

Tim Bat, i get it in the in the case of emergency preventing me from being able to absolutely split the skull of jeff bezos like if he's wearing his sturdy space helmet or my moderate to severe sciatica is flaring up. I have a contingency plan involving an automated thresher and a fake television interview. Thank you for your time, Tim and Guy. I hope you like my comedy proposal thank you brad um guy any immediate questions comments just first of all thank you for safeguarding this entire episode by aptly pointing out that this is all in the name of comedy uh yeah brad, really great concept. You're using the – I mean, I guess my first question is, are there not already giant food corporations or conglomerates

who are sort of squeezing all the value out of the American Midwest? Not any that couldn't be easily taken over with the hand of Congress. We could do it. It's a positive attitude. Handing over essentially the most powerful country in the world's food supply to Jeff Bezos. Do I like it? Don't love it? Would it work? 100%

It's a means to an end And what I enjoyed It feels quite Like expediting the process Sure This is sort of an eventuality we can see Coming down the pike anyway I like it

We bend our knee And then he bends his knee, and it sounds like Brad clocks him on the back of the head with a baseball bat. It's the impression I get. Yeah. If possible. It's the impression that I get.

Brad, quick question. And normally we don't sort of explore the aftermath components of this, but we've put the food supply of America into the hands, essentially, of one man and then killed him do you foresee this being a problem the sort of single point of failure for um as you pointed out sort of the whole system of nourishment for 350 million odd people i don't find it a problem because because I win cool well I've heard all I need to hear maybe it's time

to go to Dylan what do you say I'm just wondering if I've got any further questions for Brad but you know I don't think I do alright Brad please stay on the line and Dylan thank you very much for waiting I don't think I do. All right, Brad, please stay on the line.

And Dylan, thank you very much for waiting. No worries. Good to have a Kiwi lad joining us. Not that that will win you any points or favour from us when it comes to our ultimate decision-making process. It all comes down to what you've prepared for us. So, Dylan, the floor is now yours. Please tell us your proposals. So Dylan, the floor is now yours.

Please tell us your proposals. Right now, just before I get underway with the story, I just want to point out that in about 10 years, that's when it's estimated that Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk may become a trillionaire just by themselves. And we haven't got 10 years. So, OK. We start our tale in Monaco. Musk and Bezos bump into each other when their super yachts collide in the waters of Monaco

during the Monaco Grand Prix, which we know Elon Musk attends as evidenced in Iron Man 2. The yachts collide because we are driving them. My dad knows how to drive boats and his friend used to do fishing boats, so we install them as captains of the vessels. We also sneak on to be crew to make sure everything goes smoothly. sneak on to be crew to make sure everything goes smoothly. Because of the collision of the super yachts, the two get into a heated argument.

That's Elon and Jeff get into a heated argument about damage and costs and whose fault it was. So I step in as my character Pierre, the French waiter, and insist that they do this over dinner because arguments are best settled on a full tummy. And it's at this point that Elon Musk realises that he did have a dinner date with Mark Zuckerberg that evening, who was also attending Monaco Grand Prix, but he decides that this is a more important

plans that he must pursue. Anyway fast forward to dinner things are going well between Elon and Jeff we're playing romantic music candles are lit it's nice it's a romantic setting It's nice. It's a romantic setting. These two, over dinner, realise just how much in common they have. Elon leans over and asks Jeff, Have you ever seen a raw emerald? They begin a worldwide romance, starting with a visit to the Musk family emerald mine.

This trip cements the romance between the two and not after long they are married the bond over their hurtful divorces the loneliness of being a rich weird freak they realize they need each other and they marry in an intimate ceremony in one of elon's underground tunnels in one of Elon's underground tunnels. Five years later, as a way to celebrate their five-year anniversary, which the symbol for the five-year anniversary is wood, these two space boys go on a journey to Mars to plant the first ever tree on Mars,

which is, I think, a very billionaire thing to do. The trip seems to be going all well in the SpaceX shuttle, popping champagne bottles, singing songs. But what's that on the radar? A meta-satellite is on a

collision course with the ship containing our star-crossed lovers. That's right, Zuck, a scorned lover from the past, has aimed his satellite at the ship in hopes of killing those who broke his heart all those years ago. The two lovers, who are now combined to trillionaires after cementing their worth with each other, explode in fiery passion and orbit above Mars. Zach takes the blame

after an anonymous tip from a mysterious French waiter. That's right. I have been deep in character for five years as Pierre, the French waiter and advisor to Bezos. After earning his trust in Monaco all those years ago,

he hires me as his Alfred-type butler to be his right-hand man. Pierre is the puppet master, the voice in the air. Bezos trusts me so much that he leaves me in control of the Musk-Bezos estate in the event of their untimely demise. When questions are asked about the mysterious French butler, he has simply vanished. After shifting the money into untraceable accounts, I resume my identity and we do what we please

with the trillions of dollars. It's gorgeous. Wow you it's wow it's not just a um it's not just a fundraising plot it's a it's a romance story it's a story of love um i've got an initial question if i may yeah dylan would you be kind enough to spell Monaco for me? I've got down M-O-N-A-C-O. Is that correct? Okay, just double checking we're all thinking of the same part of the world.

That's cool. My limited experience of Monaco, I have always understood it, and I might be wrong, to be pronounced Monaco. I think you're wrong. You think I'm wrong? I think there's Dylan and there's me, there's two people, and then there's Guy, which is one.

Is this true? Well, I mean, I just think because one of the first things I was going to ask was about the accent work of Pierre, and you gave us a tantalizing sample. I had that on the list too, actually. I do think we need to just brush up on some of these words which could give the game away before we get to our ends. But, I mean, that's more of a note than a question. I think we've got time for accent work.

Like, I live in Wellington, so, you know, there's plenty of creatives around who could probably give me some French accent work. Like, I live in Wellington, so I think, you know, there's plenty of creatives around who could probably give me some French accent lessons. Miranda Harcourt, I know, is a very good acting coach. I think she's probably good with the speech stuff as well.

With accents, yeah. So what I liked about this idea is that you're using what we already have. You've sacrificed some of the fundraising energy instead towards fusing the assets of those who already have a lot. But I was running a quick number check and as currently estimated, I believe that Elon Musk is worth about $244 billion. Jeff Bezos, Brad said,

I can't remember the exact number, but it's in the $168 billion. And then you've got Zuckerberg's fortune in there as well, which is $107.5. So that still gets us only, if we somehow, if all of this comes together and we get all of these fellas together and we fuse their assets, we're still only at about- Do you know what you're forgetting? We're five years in the future. We're still only at about you know what you're forgetting we're five years in the future we're still only at 519 billion dollars so right now uh inflation

is that i think in america something in the order of well it's very high right now i don't know what the figure is something between four and seven percent i think there's think there's something you're missing there guy and that's the power of love the power of love when these two finally found their soulmates and once you do that there's no stopping you there's absolutely no stopping you

these two they're going to be more motivated to work with each other and I think Amazon and Tesla you these two uh they're going to be more motivated to work with each other and uh i think amazon and tesla once they combine tesla's on like that's going to it's going to it's going to be it's going to go gangbusters it's because these two working together with their love i think that's what does it for me so you think that the the their relationship will lead them both to check their egos Not with respect to the world but with respect to each other

And instead of regarding one another as adversaries They can instead say but what could we achieve together Absolutely It's the Huey Lewis defence Yeah The power of love is a curious thing Another question One man marry another man

Join their fortunes Then have a satellite on track for a collision course man marry another man, join their fortunes, then have a satellite on track for a collision course with those two married men and then team up and then wait for inflation to take care of the rest to get to a trillion dollars. That was the first draft of Power of Love. I just want to know, you've got

your dad and your dad's mate captaining the super yachts. Can we get their names? Is that possible? My dad's name is captaining the super yachts. Can we get their names? Is that possible? My dad's name is Ricky, and his mate is called Grant. Ricky and Grant. How big were the fishing boats that Grant was captaining? Because I do fear that we could give the game away before we even get started if they can't actually navigate.

I know that there is a crash, but it needs to be perfectly orchestrated, the right amount of damage, nothing that's actually going to jeopardise the safety of the passengers when we're trying to get them to fall in love with each other there's a few variables at play um these are these are considerably like big big size fishing boats like um you know commercial fishing vessels that are you know out way out deep ocean so he knows his way um around the bridge cool And how involved are they in the plan? Are they purely pawns who are captaining these ships or will they be with us throughout the entire process?

Well, my dad is, you know, I think he's quite anti-capitalist. He's a small business owner, but he comes from it in a different way. He's quite keen on redistributing the wealth. So my dad is totally invested, and I don't think Grant's up to much. So I think he'd just be willing to. He's in land at the moment, so he's not got much on. Well, again. These are really strong. They're both really strong. And what I like is that they These are really strong.

They're both really strong. And what I like is that they're both really different. Yeah. It's a bit of an apples and oranges assessment we're making here. I've got a Ted Kaczynski, I think his name is, the Unabomber vibe off of our man Brad. There's a sort of solo man who's been left to his own devices in the wilderness and given a lot of time to think about things. Yeah and his eyes had a very sort of satisfying and terrifying pop when he was punctuating some of the more grandiose parts of his ideas. What I like that he did was it was a

blend almost of high and low where he laid out a pretty detailed and what seemed like a logistically reasonable means of helping Jeff Bezos monopolize the entire U.S. economy before simply braining the guy. Yeah. I like that it was all so well thought through, and then at the end he just whacks him with a bat. Whacks him with a bat, a big steel bat. Named Tim, which is, I it's a it's gotta get some

points for that there was some great comedic um pauses after he he was you know really uh spotlighting certain gags and then we of course have dylan who i feel like is more in the sort of shakespearean storytelling tradition has mapped out what is actually quite uh a touching story of, I guess, love and companionship for two people who, while obviously monstrous, probably do feel quite alienated from ordinary society. Yeah. I worry if we would, or if he would,

deepen characters. Pierre, you know, develop too deep of an empathy for any of these guys to go through with the plan. But I mean, you know, as a concept, I loved it. What are you leaning towards? My head is with Brad, my heart, it's with Dylan. And I think for me, oh God, this one is really, this is difficult.

This is tricky. Taking over the US food supply, it's a surefire winner. Like it's going to work. You know what I mean? I can see it. But Dylan, leveraging the power of love to get this thing across the line. I do like the using what we have angle i like the fusion of assets and you know you like ricky i like grant you adjusted it for inflation

and um you know i don't doubt that if they started feeding off of each other's energy that you know i think i'm going with dylan your it patriotism, call me a soppy romantic, but for whatever reason, I'm leaning towards Dylan. How about you? Look, I'm really on the fence. And I think, I mean, I do feel like I'm weighted towards Brad ever so slightly, which means that we... Maybe a rock off?

It feels... I can see it. It feels awful to do. Sudden death. One, two, three. One, two, three. All right. Hello, gentlemen.

We're back. I'm not sure if you could sort of guess, based on the gestures in the last bit, how the conversation ended, but basically a complete dead heat. You both may be unwise to reveal, but look, both excellent ideas, very much on the fence i was laying a little bit more towards my compatriot dylan and i uh i i could i could really visualize the plan that

you'd mapped out brad maybe because you're currently brandishing the baseball bat i mean to be and to be honest that was the part of it that i was thinking of the least i liked the blend of high and low but i wasn't even thinking about the baseball bat when I was thinking of your plan, Brad. I was just thinking about, you know, enabling a total monopoly on the U.S. economy for Jeff. Go ahead, sir, what were you going to say, Brad? It's America's pastime is baseball.

I grew up playing it. I'm ready. I do get that feeling. Go ahead. Sorry. You go ahead. I appreciate that. So it came down to it.

Neither of us could persuade the other one or be persuaded, and that left us in a position of having to have a rock off to decide who would be a judge, the winner. As you may have seen, I won. And that means that, Dylan, you have taken out this round of Kalyania. Brad, I am incredibly nervous about your reaction to this news. I will not lie. I would like to offer Brad a place.

I would like to offer Brad a place. I would like to offer Brad a place on our team. I think he brings a unique energy. And I think if things go wrong, it would be good to have Brad as a backup with his bat. Really good idea. What do you say, Brad? I'm strong, super brave, and good at pretending to be able to be around

important people more important than me. I can pull this off for sure. I'm happy to join Dylan's team. Real team player, Brad. We appreciate that. Yeah, thank you, Brad. Can I wear waterproof clothes on the boat? I think you can underneath the tuxedos

because we'll have to be wearing tuxedos to blend in. Okay, because blood is going to happen at some point. Cool. So both of you, it's been such a pleasure and honor, and I can't stress that enough, Brad. We love you a lot, man. I love you too, also. You're safe.

You're safe. Cool, yeah. Okay, great. That's actually, I don't even know, but those are the words I needed to hear right now. So thank you so much to the both of you for giving your time, your expertise, and your plans. Brad, thank you for joining us still, and congratulations on your win. We hope you enjoyed your time your expertise and your plans um thank you for joining us dylan

congratulations on your win we hope you enjoyed your time on this comedy podcast i mean it does feel really important right now to emphasize that this is all a well it's a bit of a laugh it's a gas yeah this is comedy you