The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV 3: Mack v Shortney

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

Welcome to Killionaire TV: Episode Three, with two contestants and one goal: End the life of a trillionaire. Our contestants today are Mack from the UK who’s political ambitions are matched only by his lack of preparation for his pitch. In stark contrast, we have Shortney, an American who brings a meticulously planned plot involving a lot of math, a gold pyramid tomb and a plucky entrepreneur named Mark Elliot Zuckerberg.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Killionaire.

Welcome to another exciting edition of Killionaire, at least this is the first episode because we haven't really picked an order yet, which case welcome i'm tim bat this is guy montgomery we are on a quest to get someone to a trillion dollars on god's green earth and then immediately stop them being a trillionaire by virtue of them being dead that's right it's a comedy podcast and we are very excited to be joined by two prospective pitchers, some fundraisers, I guess, of esteem and note. Hello to Mac. Oh, hello.

You can say hello. Yeah, nice. You got it. Yeah, it's traditional. Usually human responses to back and forth. And also a huge hello to short knee i hope i pronounced that correctly yeah you got it you nailed it brilliant lovely to see you both um i am currently writing down a number that is between one and five hundred and uh mac i'm gonna get you to select

first whoever gets the closest guess gets to choose what order they want to do their pitch in. So, Mac, what number do you guess I have written down? 17, please, Tim. Very well. And Shortney? Well, I'm going to go way higher. 378. 378. It's a very good guess. And, in fact, so good, Shortney,

that it's closer to my 250 than the number 17, which I'm not here to throw salt in your game this quickly, Mac, but come on, buddy. When the range is so big, you're up against a wall. It could have looked

like an absolute hero, a savant. That's true. I honestly picked that number i picked that number when you emailed earlier you might have a number came before you already knew so i'd already locked it in if you'd said between one and ten i was in trouble yeah it would have been not so good at adjusting on the fly huh man yeah no not at all well shortney would you like to go first or second for your pitch presentation? I'll be a gentleman.

I'll let Mac go first. Very kind. Oh, no, this is unfair because you know I don't have anything prepared. You've planned this well. I just met you. I'm very much looking forward to this. There's been a little bit of chatter in the lobby before we got here between our competitors, which I'm a big fan of.

Shortney, I'm going to place you on mute now and mac whenever you are ready i would love to hear your idea okay well as i'm i don't know how global the news is but very recently in the uk where i reside uh boris johnson the prime minister has become a further figure of ridicule, more so than normal. The history of UK politics over the last few years has been abysmal, and I think it's the opportune time for me to run for Prime Minister because every other candidate we've ever had has been a politician, and they've all done a terrible job as far as I'm aware, based on the fact that I live in the uk and it's no good so maybe it's time for someone who doesn't

even prepare so much as three sentences for a comedy podcast to run the entire country and that's what i think this is i'm going to use this opportunity and you may find that today this very day there has been news that boris johnson had another party that he was trying to hide. And who let that information out? Well, I can't say it was me, but I'm going to imply it heavily for the means of comedy here. Now, the plan is then to become Prime Minister, right? And I assume that will happen without much effort. And then once I am Prime Minister, to apologise for the terrible state of politics in the UK,

I'm going to award everyone a tax rebate of £1,000, but this will be paid only in Amazon vouchers. And yearly then, this will become an annual event where every year on Apology Day, people will get £1,000. Every

member of the UK will get £1,000, but only in Amazon vouchers, of which there are 67 million people in the UK. Every member of the UK will get £1,000, but only on Amazon vouchers, of which there are 67 million people in the UK. So each of them will then spend £1,000 on Amazon, thus raising my target, Jeff Bezos' personal wealth. Coincidentally, the one bit of information I did find out before this was Jeff Bezos will probably be a trillionaire by 2026, so really I could probably just wait out

my candidacy as Prime minister, to be honest. But this will speed it along. Right. So I imagine that if a prime minister of a country is very heavily endorsing Amazon, Jeff's going to be very interested in that, right? I already found out that the UK government actually has a Twitch profile, and they're partners already, and Twitch is owned by Amazon. So the UK government technically are already in cahoots with amazon as as as we speak so i think the plan is then every year i'll get jeff over and be like look jeff the uk is is really really helping you along here you know we're helping you along to that trillion and we'll

become friends and i think maybe i i'll even slip into the i'll forget a little bit of what my original goal is. Maybe I will come to love Jeff as a friend. But then the second he becomes a millionaire, I'm just going to brain him with a brick. I'm assuming just quickly the final thing there is trillionaire. Otherwise, you'd be braining Jeff Bezos as we speak. Yes, yes, yeah.

But the thing is, I'll be prime minister, and I think as far as I know, you get three free kills is the rumor, so I think I'll probably just do it myself with a brick Matt, quick question, and don't mean to interrupt if you're sort of in the middle of the pitch here No, that was it, I was just going to kill him with a brick that's the end

When did you find out that British Prime Ministers get three free kills? It's very possible either a dream or that's something that someone said, a national treasure about the U.S. president. I see. It's certainly something. It certainly is something.

A movie called National Treasure wouldn't lie to anyone. That's true. Yeah, I mean, it's realistic. I think the U.K, as you've outlined, is primed for a populist everyman candidate. I see no reason why that couldn't be you, Mac. You look like a popular everyman. I can sort of track, you know, all the way along,

that apology day, $1,000. What was the- 1,000 pounds. 1,000 pounds, which is, you know, that's a lot more than New Zealand does. What was the basis of apology day a thousand dollars what was the thousand pounds thousand pounds which is you know it's a lot more new zealand does what was the uh basis of apology day is that a pre-existing day in the british calendar is that something that you're going to institute no it would be more me just apologizing for the mess that boris and theresa and other uk politicians have left in the wake of braxit so it would be me kind of like look everything's kind of shit so here

have a nice i don't know nintendo switch on me and is this this is a platform on which you will be running or this is something that you'll introduce once you're in power i like to think it's a nice surprise i think i'll be running on like oh wouldn't it be funny if i was prime minister and we've we've seen that kind of work before in different countries. I do worry for the British people that they would find out upon electing you that you were purely becoming Prime Minister for your own interests, but I mean that's

not necessarily a problem for me. It wouldn't be new. That's not a new interest. At least I'd be honest about it. Mac, in the interest of um the fact that you've sort of revealed to us that maybe you haven't fleshed out all the details but you've done such a great job of explaining on the fly how this would all be put together could i trouble you

for a campaign slogan what do you think is going to um get you across the line with the british people um i as far as i'm aware and this is again, one of those things I could just be entirely pulling out of thin air or from the movie National Treasure. I think that voting records of under 25s in the UK are incredibly low. So maybe I'll just promise everyone I'll follow them on Twitter. Great. And how big to be followed by the prime minister. Oh, so how about this? Vote for Mac, get a follow back. Oh, that is good.

That's better because I was going to say a campaign slogan, DMs are open. Both are pretty good. My one does rhyme. Yeah, DMs are open is one line, and the efficiency does speak to people. Just as a quick aside here, Mac, how many times have you watched the movie national treasure uh once in the last three days i see and it seems to have left a pretty big

imprint on you uh i can tell you a very interesting fact about the national treasure just very quickly as an aside would love to hear they say the phrase they say the phrase I'm going to steal the Declaration of Independence 38 times in that film. 38? Wow. Yes, that is true. And not in the franchise, right? Because there's more than one of those films, but just in that one movie. No, surprisingly in the second one, they don't steal the Declaration of Independence even once.

But in the first one, they really go for it. Like, they're stealing it all the time. they really go for it like they're stealing it all the time um mac i don't know your education or background or expertise but do you feel like giving 67 million people uh an amazon gift voucher would have some sort of hyperinflationary effect well i think possibly because it's specifically amazon it'll probably just fuck up Amazon, right? Hopefully. Again, based on nothing. You're going on feel, and I like that.

You're pumping, just as Prime Minister alone, separate from people's private investments and consumer habits, you're pumping $67 billion into Amazon annually and according to your number, which I assume you pulled from National Treasure, Jeff Bezos is currently on track to become a trillionaire

in four years anyway. That is the only bit of actual research I did and that wasn't from National Treasure. That was from a newspaper, which I don't recall. Wow. Okay, well, strong stuff from Mac. Again, a newspaper wouldn't lie to anyone.

I don't have, well, a particularly British one. I don't have any further questions. Is there any, like, you earn his trust and you brick him? You got any plan for the mop-up there? How's that going to read in the news? Again, right, so if I'm getting in by being voted in by the young the youth as i'm aiming to do i think if anything i'll be a hero right especially if i just like it was a bit i was i was prime minister i was a gag they'll be like oh that's good commitment to the gag max electioneering platform, DMs are open, Mac's criminal defense. It was a gag.

Yeah, it was a bit. I'm accepting I'm going to jail, right? But the thing is, I'll be regarded as a folk hero for San Andreas. It's great, honestly, Mac. And just quickly, before we move on to Shortney, I want to ask you about, you said at one point that you fear you would empathize, you would develop a kinship or relationship

to Jeff that might Jeopardize. Jeopardize or sort of, you know, distract your focus on why you've put yourself in this position of power. Do you have plans to remedy that? I mean, how will you ensure that you don't become indoctrinated by the lifestyles of

the ultra wealthy? I haven't seen the show Prison Break, but I know that he has a prison tattooed on him. I think I'll just tattoo on my stomach upside down, kill Jeff. So anytime I'm topless, I'll remember. Okay. Works for me.

Yeah, can't argue with that. Because it's upside down, he probably won't be able to read it, so it'll be okay. No. So long as he doesn't walk past you sunbathing, I guess. And, you know, that's up to you. Yeah, I think we're getting lost in the weeds here.

Mac, thank you. I'm going to place you on hold for a moment because I'm absolutely dying to hear from Shortney. Hello, Shortney. Thank you for being so patient. Hello. That was very good. I would love to please, in your own time here,

your idea to get anybody to a trillion dollars and then how maybe we could stop them being a trillionaire. Okay. I actually made a PowerPoint presentation. My God. Is it all right if I share my screen? I would love that. I don't know if that's technically possible but if you found a way i'm delighted um i think it is everybody say a collective prayer for the internet a collective prayer for the internet dear internet please we beseech you and we thank you for the

gifts that you've given us sure citiesoCities. Neopets. Oh, it's here. How to commit a fake murder in parenthesis. Fantastic. It's fake. All right. For our audio only joiners as well. Courtney, Shortney, sorry, if you wouldn't mind.

It says by Courtney on the picture. That's why I got a bit flustered. Just visually describing what we're looking at here as well. it says by Courtney on the picture that's why I got a bit flustered if you wouldn't just visually describing what we're looking at here as well um if you had to tell a cutesy kindergarten class to make a murder plan on a powerpoint presentation and you just gave them crayons and somehow uploaded that to google this is what you're looking at fantastic all right so hello my name is Courtney you can call at. Fantastic. All right. So, hello.

My name is Courtney. You can call me Shortney, though, on the account that I'm only five feet tall, which is 1.524 meters. I'm pretty sure. Had to Google it. So, if that's wrong, blame Google. But you know what that makes me?

Assassin-sized. Oh. So, without further ado, yeah, I can get into those vents. Let's get into my flawless murder plan, which is totally a joke. So we'll start with who the target is, then how we'll help to get them to that trillionaire status, and then finally the ultimate comedy murder plot. So first off, the target.

I figured it should be probably Mark Zuckerberg. I don't know much about him i'll be honest um because we're kind of a budget i'm a budget assassin okay great assassins know their targets i have thoughts uh i'm pretty sure he's greedy i think you have to be to have a net worth of 187 million dollars by now or billion dollars uh i think he wants to be a robot that's not confirmed but i will start that conspiracy theory like later on reddit and i think he's obsessed with escapism especially because of the metaverse recently coming out but how do we get there to escape this world with a trillion dollars let's talk about about fundraising, y'all. Let's get those wallets open, okay? The metaverse. Bringing socially awkward crab people like myself with the agoraphobes of

the virtual world. But how will a bunch of nerds be ripped from their hard-earned money to help Zuckerboy reach trillionaire status the same way he probably already will reach trillionaire status? Targeted ads and gaslighting. So deep in the metaverse, as you wander around your living room, you'll meet new people who are perfect for you, the love of your life, your new best friend, the true AI soulmate that we have all been waiting for. Once they're completely head over heels in love with the customized dream girl, it's time to hook, line, and sink them in debt. That's the American way.

That's how we do it here. You know who would love those moon boots your new virtual girlfriend what about those fun burrito blankets i bet the ai we assigned you to fall in love with would love those is this incredibly devious and emotionally manipulative yes but will it get you to trillionaire status i don't know i'm not an accountant i'm an assassin, the fictitious murder plot. By the way, I saved you a slide. You're welcome. A little bit of prep work. There's a little bit. Every good plan starts with

good prep, but absolutely worth it for the final product. Just stay with me on this, okay? First, we need a banner that says Cash the Throne. This is important for later. I will explain. Don't you even worry. I'm going to already assume he has a golden throne. That's just out there. You don't have $187 billion and no golden throne.

And if he doesn't, he's spending his money wrong anyways. And that's all the more reason we should kill him. We also need gold bars, which, you know, that's the plant of interest. I know. Don't you even worry. We'll get to it. We need a red spray can. We only need one,

so that'll save the budget for all the gold bars we're going to need. And finally, most importantly, an AI wife. Now, I know what you're thinking. I can't code. Well, neither can I. But we don't have to

because Marky Mark Z has already done the heavy work for us. He's already made the metaverse. See that? We already saved more budget money for the gold bars. And now, we. The metaverse. See that. We already saved. More budget money. For the gold bars. And now. We are ready.

For a murder. Most foul. Let me set a scene. For you. Which. I've actually made. Into a visual guide. Zucky Mucky.

Is sitting. High and mighty. On his literal. Golden cash throne. The beautiful banner. Is flowing behind him. All 37. Whose assistants.

Have gone home. For their legally required. Three hours of sleep. Not Mark Zuckerberg's choice, but he's okay with it. Zuckerlucker is bored. He's frustrated. And most importantly, he's curious. What is it like to fall in love with a computer?

Is the AI software really that good? He puts on the VR headset. We got him, boys. This is it. As he's enthralled, learning everything his Manic Pixie Dream Girl AI program, trademark mending, could be for him and more. We jump out of the throne. That's right. Trojan horse, of course.

And he learns human emotions from a computer. We're busy. Stacking those fat stacks of gold cash around Marky Mark Z to create a pyramid of death. He's gone too far in the VR world. He's got virtual kids now, a wife, a job, happiness, fulfillment. But in the real world, he's got about 152 gold bricks cocooning him in a doom tomb.

And for extra dramatic flair, this is the part that's important, we spray paint an extra letter on the banner. It goes from cash to throne to crash the throne. Boom. He's dead. We split the money.

Clean getaway. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Wow. Wow. That presentation promised a lot at the top, and it fucking delivered. Yeah. A genuine veteran of PowerPoint. That was incredibly persuasive.

Yeah. Yeah, a genuine veteran of PowerPoint. That was incredibly persuasive. Yeah, I really like the use of a pyramid, famously quite a triangular shape, in the scheme to take down Zuckerberg, because I think pyramid-shaped schemes, you know, they're kind of his thing. Yeah. It's not a pyramid scheme. It's an upside-down tunnel um which is really good because it helps the people at the the top get the bottom bottom dollar trickle down economy bitcoin well i i what i like about it is it is rooted that conceptually the idea of the metaverse and the

way that we will actually be able to access vulnerabilities in Martin Zuckerberg are rooted in a very sort of upsetting realistic and effective grounds which is like you know what what people want is emotional connection and as it's harder and harder to find on the reality on the plane of existence that we will walk around on yeah people are going to be turning I mean I did I wrote this down because it was such a great line from the slide there, where VR and lack of social skills meet. Have I got that right, Shortney? Yes. Yeah. I mean, that's a pretty great description of the metaverse, I think.

Now, one thing that I'm thinking about, and this might be my own intellectual shortcomings, but how, I mean, I understand how we're going to learn. I can and I understand that we're going to learn mark and i understand that we're going to i i assume suffocate him in a golden tomb yeah could we just get some clarification on that shortening is this a lack of oxygen or is it a weight that falls down upon him uh i did the math for this i i saw that in the slide i did well you didn't see the background math that went into that one slide i was thinking about putting it in there, and I was like, I don't want to look at these numbers.

I don't think anybody else wants to. But long story short, it takes about 50 PSI of, like, sudden weight falling on a human to crush it. With this, we'll have quadruple that. So it's literally just take one brick. 200 pounds per square inch of gold pressure um that's incredible i think before we get to that though i just want to circle back to ensuring he's over a trillion dollars before eliminating him uh are we like what what is the

actual financial you know how are we ensuring that mark is over this threshold before we execute the plan what exactly are we doing well the metaverse is about to be released so we'll and we'll probably help with the marketing a little bit you know we're gonna give we're gonna help him with his marketing you know mark sucker yeah you got it so this is sorry you keep going shortening okay um but i mean the main thing is that we're going to get into the metaverse we're really going to sell it to the common people we might even have a prime minister who was just recently elected to help us everyone's already going to buy into the metaverse. And while they're in there, they're going to meet their AI soulmate. And their AI soulmate has expensive taste.

And for everything sold in the metaverse, Zucky takes a little slice for him. So we are essentially ensuring the success of the metaverse and then drowning these people with genuine debt through their virtual relationships sounds good yeah that's the that's what the american economy is built on that's where i got the idea okay i don't i genuinely have no questions i think it's time for guy and i to confer uh to try and i mean these are two very strong pitches so yeah we're gonna um mute both of your bikes

we're gonna mute our own mic while we discuss the merits of both ideas. And then shortly we'll be back to tell you our judgment and whose idea has been successful today. Dun, dun, dun. Okay. We've got two very different styles of pitch. We've got light and shade here. That's right.

And I'm going to be honest, when Matt went first, he's obviously, you know, to not prepare is a very self-confident move, and it paid off. I was swept along in his charm. He was like a bit of Guy Montgomery, actually. I genuinely believed, you know, like it's far-fetched, but it's not totally out of the realm of possibility. He just has to become prime minister.

I love the concept of apology day. I like pumping that money straight back into Amazon, and I like fostering a close friendship with Jeff Bezos. I think that both of you, you and he, did sort of gloss over the fact of he needs to become British Prime Minister. Yeah, which looks tricky. Undeniably. There's a lot of road to run between where we are now and him being in charge.

And conversely, you know, you look at Shortney's proposal and it was meticulous. Yeah, I know. She's done the homework. And we could have a weighted conversation. We weigh up the pros and cons, but it feels to me somewhat undeniable. I know, but this is like a classic debate between gut instinct and nerddom preparation scholastic effort

what's your gut telling you it would be crazy to not go with short knee and I don't want to jeopardise the plan I'm going with short knee I'm just saying that Mac he's a bit of me, turning up to a business meeting almost wholly unprepared

going off the cuff, charming us successfully it's pretty cool it's cool but and it's just the kind of thing that would allow you to get into number 10 Downing Street he's borrowing some of the

bluster and confidence and ill preparation and sort of lack of work ethic from the current sitting Prime Minister. He's highlighted his susceptibility to becoming friends with Geoff. I just think, look, it's persuasive. It's got to be Shortney, right? It's Shortney.

It has to be Shortney. Mac, Shortney, a decision has been made. I'd like to thank both of you for your time, your energy, your passion, your intelligence, your charm, your expertise, and your appearance. Ultimately, we're not even very conflicted on this. There was a clear winner. Mac, I'm sorry to say it was not you. Shortney has prepared such a compelling case

through visual aid. There is such a stepping through of the process. Every stage along the way, I felt like I was being brought along. I understood it. The math on the gold pyramid that's going to kill Mark. Yeah, Mac, it's got to be said, though, you put forward, until Shortney spoke, I thought you had a very strong case.

It was a very persuasive argument. I believed in what you were saying. I think where you probably came up short was there was not enough connective tissue between the Mac before us and the Mac in Downing Street. I don't doubt that the people have an appetite for it, but we probably need to see a little bit more evidence than just open your DMs, or DMs are open to

see you sitting in that seat of power. But you know, it was a noble effort and we thank you for your time. Have you got anything you'd like to say? I was going to put on a shirt and tie in preparation for it, but my one shirt that fit was dirty, so that probably is a sign that I'm not ready to be Prime Minister, to be honest. That's fair the second the powerpoint came up behind you

yeah it was and also i don't know if it was magnanimous or diabolical shortening that you let matt go first being like having this in your back pocket the whole time or if you'd gone first obviously that would have knocked his socks off and he would have been bricking himself the whole time you're talking so you know i feel like i probably, that would have knocked his socks off and he would have been bricking himself the whole time you were talking. I feel like I probably would have tried harder because I feel like once I got into the improving part of it, I was like, oh, this is probably enough. I just got to stop there. And it could have been for at least a competitor, Mac,

but unfortunately you were up against the 1.52-meter assassin. Amateur assassin, Shortney. And we're putting a lot of our eggs in your little assassinating basket there, Shortney. Seems like a weird thing to say to a woman we've just met. Thank you. But that's what we're doing. So have you got any final words, Shortney?

Mac, fantastic job since that was completely off the top of your head. I would have thought that was absolutely practice like a thousand times over but I'm sorry. Mark Zuckerberg, he's got to go down down he's got to be the one so jeff bezos he'll have his time you said 2026 we'll get him then we'll get him then yeah i'll run again in 2026 that's the plan i will pretend to vote for you because i'm not in the uk is that well maybe you can help i'm not british either so you can have a bot-led army in your adventures into AI and VR and whatnot.

Right. Thank you very much, both of you, for joining us. Shortney, thank you for doing all the math on the pyramid. I enjoyed it very much. And we will see how well your pitch fares against the other competitors. Varying heights of assassins. You're going to be thrown into a pool of some people

who are five foot one. Some of our competitors, I assume, could be upwards of six foot two. Most of the people haven't provided us with their heights, so it's hard for us to forecast, but we thank you and we'll be seeing you soon. Thank you.