The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV 4: Cameron v Matt

Episode Date: May 18, 2022

A battle between Old School Simplicity and High-end, High-production Value Showbusiness Showmanship. Cameron wants to see Jeff Bezos sitting on top of a good old fashioned dunk tank filled with sulfuric acid. Matt has conceived of a brand new idea - a Spiderman musical! Who will prevail? Certainly not our billionaires, that’s for sure.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Killianair.

Hello and welcome to an exciting episode of Killianair TV. I'm Guy Montgomery. I, as always, am Tim Baird. And today we're joined by Cameron and Matt, our two prospective fundraisers, come executioners, as we try and help some of the world's best and brightest become a little better, a little brighter, and with time, a little more dead. We are live. Cameron, I'll talk to you first. How the bloody hell are you? I'm quite all right. Just been chilling here, looking at Matthew's handsome grill over there. I see.

Spending some quality time in the waiting room, getting to know one another. I don't want to be reductive, but it's a little bit like looking into a funhouse mirror version of yourself, isn't it? You know, there's glasses, there's a similar facial hair. You gents look to be of a not dissimilar vintage, I would say. Yeah, I reckon, Cameron, you look like what Matt will probably look like if he doesn't shave or cut his hair for another year. You mean if he rules? Yeah. Maybe gets into acid in a big way, starts going to fish, touring around with them, and just rules.

Starts performing with fish. No, no, no, just in the parking lot, feeding the acid habit by selling it to others. Yeah, absolutely. And Cameron, might I ask you, where are you joining us from? Where in the world? I'm in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Is it warm? Right now, very much no. It is covered in about a foot of snow outside.

I reckon it'll get warm again. Don't take it too hard Cameron. And Matthew let me take the opportunity to ask you where the fuck are you from and how the fuck are you? I've had a fever of 101 for the past four days so I don't promise my pitch will make total coherent

sense but I'm coming to you from Arizona. Arizona at a fever pitch. I love it. What people won't know is that we've dilly-dally for quite a while while we've got our technical arrangements set here. So you two have been waiting a long time for us to get our affairs in order. So let's waste your time no longer. Matt appears to be joined by the tail of a cat, but no more of the feline.

I see. That is your assistant. Fantastic. Before either of you start to pitch, I'm going to think of a number between one, no, zero, not one, zero. No, one. Okay, one and 1,000.

I'm going to write it down so that it cannot be confused. And if you'd both like to take a guess, the person who is closest will get to choose the running order for this episode. I have my number written down. Cameron, what number would you like to guess between 1 and 1,000? Good luck, Cameron. 71. 71, okay.

And Matt, what would you like to choose? 555. Okay, well. You'll be fascinated to hear that I chose a number smack bang in the middle. I chose the number 500, which means that 555 is a significantly better guess. Matt, would you like to go first, or would you like to watch Cameron do his thing? I'd like to watch Cameron. He was here before me, so I feel like he's been waiting the longest.

He deserves that. How kind of you. Well, Cameron, the floor is yours. We're both very excited to hear what your plan is for fundraising and a comedy execution. So, good evening, gentlemen.

Tonight, you'll be here hearing the last pitch you ever need to ultimately compromise to a permanent end. Jeffrey Preston Bezos. I would also like to assure you ahead of time of this pitch that if

things don't go quite according to plan, I do have certain insurance plans uh at hand just in case i like it so my initial pitch for the killian air sharks is a dunk tank now i don't know if you have these kind of fundraisers over in new zealand but uh here in our schools we often have this thing of like, they'll have a fundraiser and they'll have a goal where it's like, hey, if we get a thousand dollars for the school, you can see the principal get hit in the face with a pie. It's sort of similar to that, except with a lot more human rights violations and Jeffrey

Preston Bezos in a dunk tank. So we get Jeff in this dunk tank, right? Got him set up. We got crowds all over the place. Everyone wants to see Jeffrey get very wet. And lined up people, $1 each for the tickets first. Trust me, we don't need 1 trillion customers. We'll get there in a second. So people line up.

Obviously, people awful at throwing baseballs do not succeed, fail miserably. Nobody dunks Mr. Bezos. He gets very tired up in his little bench up there, maybe gets dunked once, who knows. He needs to go to craft services, get himself a slider, maybe a very small bag of Cheetos. And so while he's off at craft services, this is where the murder comes in. So you might think I've been a little ahead of myself,

haven't fundraised yet. Don't you worry. There's some interesting stuff going on in the background here. So while Jeffrey is over getting those sliders, we have in fact replaced the water with sulfuric acid, which is colorless, odorless, extremely potent, and also the most used acid in the world, so it is extremely available. So, Jeffrey returns. He gets back in the dunk tank, ready to just get wet and wild. You know, back when he was over there, it got real hot while he was getting this slider. He just wants to cool off a bit. you know back when he was over there got real hot while he was getting this slider he just wants to cool off a bit and so he gets back in and then all of a sudden you know one of us comes out

and we update the sign to say that in fact it is no longer one dollar for a baseball uh it is now 812 billion dollars roughly uh according to his uh net worth at the current moment and you might think well the man's safe. No one has that kind of money. But you see, nobody has that kind of money, but a lot of people do. So we get together the world's governments. Listen, I got connections with the US Navy.

My sister is a higher up at the local Amazon establishment. We have a lot of ways to get these funds. We can contact the CIA. The U.S. military is going to have a field day with this. You know, we know Bezos is already working on company towns. You know he's going to get a militia eventually. He's working on robots. The military knows that they need to take this man down.

So we get together the world's governments, and they will provide us the grand total $812 billion. And once we have that money, you might be thinking, well, we're still up to human error here. How are we possibly going to guarantee this pitch? Well, that is where our good friend Jacob deGrom comes in, who is the number one pitcher in the MLB. in the MLB and his current salary is $38.5 million which if you run the math is.004% of our net earnings so we just cut him off a little advance there. $40 million, easy, not a problem. Get him up to the front of the line, he presents the $812 billion check, then immediately dunks him, sends him to his eternal reward. Jeffrey Preston Bezos is now dissolving in sulfuric acid.

Now, here's the thing. This is the beginning of the adventure. Because, you see, this whole quest, yes, killing Jeffrey Bezos is indeed our main goal, but, you see, the thing is, the real adventure begins once we have that money. We can end world hunger with 0.7% of our earnings. Here in New Zealand has some housing market issues. What's a hundred billion to go ahead and solve all those issues in your home nation? You know, that's a solid, just a tenth of our total funds.

Just cut that out completely. And do you know how much power the people who end all of these problems will have? The amount of adoration from the people of the world that these people will have? We will be kings. You know, Aquinas spoke of the mythical city on the hill. And soon that city will be a reality. There will be order again, a new age. We will be crowned its kings.

No, better than kings, gods. And just in case, you know, I came prepared. If, you know, for some reason we do need a, sorry so I'm picking up a rather heavy object my video my video is indeed currently in portrait I don't know if it's in landscape for you also yeah it looks to be a medieval mace yeah that looks I do also have a Crusades He decides to fight back. Also, if you look closely, it is a human skull. If he fights back, I got him sorted.

It's a strong pitch from Cameron. Threats of physical violence. I've definitely heard enough. Cameron is a very thoughtful man who's painted a lot of details in, so I'm quite keen to hear from Matt and how these two stack up yeah absolutely i agree thank you very much cam uh we'll be back with you shortly on the line we

now turn to matt hello matt hello hello uh well the floor is now yours we're very excited to hear about what plans you may have okay so you know, I was reading your idea and, you know, making one trillionaire and killing them, that's a very classic idea, but I think we need to think bigger, broader, you know, we're in the post-modern digital crypto age and we're also in the age of a pandemic that doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. And what has proven to be financially successful in a pandemic, Spider-Man. Maybe the only thing. And so we now have to ask ourselves,

how do we take Spider-Man and just wring profits out of it? You know, what medium of art can get away with highly inflated ticket prices? Broadway. So let me stop you. Yes, I am suggesting this innovative, groundbreaking, first-time idea of taking Spider-Man and putting it on Broadway. So yes, we're going to take No Way Home and adapt it into a Broadway play. When I've heard of podcasters like trying to do like TV pilots

and stuff and they get canceled, it often seems to be because there's not enough visuals. tv pilots and stuff and they get canceled it often seems to because there's not enough visuals so i do have some visuals here so we do have jeffrey bezos mark zuckerberg and elon musk that is legitimately terrifying man i'd like to talk casting elon musk is clearly tom holland you know he's young quirky i'm pretty sure Zendaya loves him. It kind of just makes sense. Bezos is going to be our Toby. You know, he's older, and we'll get a little more into that detail later. And then Zuck, oh, where's, there he is. Zuck is clearly Andrew Garfield.

You know, Garfield was in a movie about Mark Zuckerberg. It just all adds up. And now to get a little more into Bezos and uh toby mcguire as you can see we have toby mcguire in spider-man 1 and we have jeffrey bezos recently photographed they have a lot of similar body types very similar areola shapes they have very similar vein poppage on their uh forearms and just a very subtle hint of a six-pack it's just kind of a tease that it's there so naturally he'd fit into like we could probably just reuse the suit is how much it works so yes we are taking all three and that's my secret for this new

plot instead of developing a trillionaire, we developed three 333 billionaires and then they all accidentally die in one swoop. And we collect all three of their wealths. Now this is for two reasons. One, as we all know,

Bezos is a weasel. We can't trust him. He's heard of your plan by now. I'm sure he listens to the podcast or someone's told him about it. And we know that he's already kind of into Hollywood with Amazon Studios. So he's going to do some Hollywood accounting, maybe talk to Adam Sandler, figure it out. And whatever we do with him, we'll never turn a profit. So we can't trust him alone. And with current Twitter power on the industry, if one of them makes substantially more money, people are going to riot.

They'll strike. But if they just slowly start occurring a little more wealth, we could get away with it before people figure out what happens. So all three of them are going to be producers on our Broadway show. And they will all directly pocket from our ticket sales. Obviously, Bezos is doing it for the clout. You know, he's divorced. He's trying to be that cool dad now. That's why he's in our show. Musk doing it for the memes, just why he was on SNL. Zuck is the harder one. But this is how we get him in. We sell our tickets as NFTs through his metaverse. We'll circle back to that.

So I did some math. In gray is how much money we need to get to a trillion dollars. Blue is what Musk is bringing. Orange is what Bezos is bringing. And yellow is what Zuck is bringing. Also, if you're more of a chart, this kind of chart person, I have it for you. I like the pies. Now, what's the highest grossing musical?

Because that's going to factor into this. It does, in fact, star cats, but it's wild cats. It's Disney's Lion King, which made nearly $2 billion. So it doesn't really affect our charts. It's that little black sliver. It doesn't really do anything. But that's old Broadway. As I mentioned, right, we're in the modern post-meta crypto Broadway. So we're selling these tickets as exclusive NFT items. So we can sell them at NFT prices. items so we can sell them at NFT prices. The largest theater in the world is in Spain.

It seats 9,000 people. I looked, the 10 most profitable NFT sales were all above the $6 million threshold. So I think we could sell our NFT tickets at a $5 million price. So that means we could sell for each show, make $45 billion in ticket sales alone. In five shows, we would cross that threshold. So that way, we'll make up the difference that our current three billionaires do not make up. But since this is a meta show, audiences aren't just going to pay $5 million to watch a normal old Broadway show. There has to be some meta element to make them exclusive,

make it unique. So we're not just doing one No Way Home. We're doing five No Way Homes. Night one, there's just one Spider-Man. Bezos is all alone. Night two, Musk joins him. Night three, Zuck joins him. Now, night four is interesting because that's actually going to be our last show.

But before I get it, we should start talking about the execution. And then we'll come back into our profit margins. I don't know if you're familiar with this, but the strongest shape in nature is a triangle. So our three actors are going to feel pretty secure swinging over the audience with the triangle rig holding them up that's each of their webs they're swinging around it's pretty safe and secure looks good nothing can bring them down so show three goes flawlessly and they feel pretty confident but if you remember we needed five shows to make that trillion now i'm saying we're going to stop So show three goes flawlessly, and they feel pretty confident.

But if you remember, we needed five shows to make that trillion. Now I'm saying we're going to stop at four. Simple. Because show four, we bring in everybody. We bring in Bill Gates. We bring in Joe Rogan. We bring in Jacqueline Mars, seen here. We now have six Spider-Men. And their net worth is $141 billion, which makes up our missing money from show five.

During the finale, we have all six stars swinging out over the crowd in a double triangle formation, which they assure themselves is safe. If one triangle is good, two triangles are even better. But if you notice, there's only one, two, three, four, five points. So two swingers are going to have to be locked in here. At the apex of their arc over the crowd, this is going to crumble in on the weight, and all six are going to come crashing down in a mass of blood, spandex, metal, and their cash will be ready for us to assume. And I don't know, there's something about the math not working out that I don't remember having my fever broke, but I needed to make up another 80 billion so we can sell merch. I did the math. An average ticket in a US

concert is $100 and an average merch item is $50. So then we could probably sell merch for $2.5 million. We would have a total of 36 guests over our four nights. So if each of them buys just one piece of merch at our event, we would make $90 trillion, which gets us over our hole, in case we needed it. And that's my pitch for you, fellas. Matt, thank you very much. Impressive numbers, huh?

You really did crunch a lot of numbers there. It is undeniably impressive. Enjoyed the charts, the graphs. I've got a couple of questions, Tim, to you also. No, please, go for it. I mean, basically, the first thing that I'm curious about, so we've got the big three. We've got Zuck, Be Bezos and Musk co-headlining and co-producing this show. Now, how do we convince these three billionaires to check their egos

and agree not just to work together and essentially fuse their assets but also split a bill with two people who I would say they regard as competition. Interesting. Well, so as we said, Bezos, right now he's all about fixing his image. It was very easy for me to find shirtless photos of him. He's showing his body off everywhere, at beaches, at pools, on yachts. He's trying to be the cool beach dad so i don't know if he's got kids i imagine he has kids or he considers america his kids he wants us to love him and we

love spider-man he thinks donning the suit will save his image and musk does i think anything if you tell him it's funny right he said dogecoin on SNL a million times to be funny. And I don't think Mark Zuckerberg fully understands what it means to be a human. So I think he kind of would just go along with it. And also, we're going to pump up his metaverse by selling our tickets on his platform. I agree with all of these points.

My concern is how do we convince the three of them to work with one another? I mean, look, maybe we don't tell them. You know what I'm saying? Maybe we get them all on board for their own selfish reasons. We don't tell them the others are involved and then wham, throw that fourth, fifth night at them, warm them up with their own performances,

then say, guess what? In this world, so I think you had Bezos' Spider-Man 1 and then the introduction of either Musk or Zuck on night two. After night two, you might see Bezos walk away and say, I'm not doing it if he's doing it. And then you don't have a third show, you've got to refund all those ticket holders, all of a sudden we're out of pocket what? Look, there's a lot of woods and crits and shits in this process, Guy.

Oh, Matt's actually, sorry, Cameron's actually got his hand up to offer something here. Cameron, I don't know if you want to aid or kneecap your competitor in this round, but go ahead. I'm actually seeking to aid him. I'm a benevolent God for now. But Spider-Man does wear a suit.

So in theory, they don't have to know who the other actors are. They're just wearing suits. I see. Anonymity. You can mask it. Highly unorthodox. I'm going to put you back on mute.

High-risk, high-reward strategy from the benevolent God. Do you have any questions down there, Tim? Well, it's more just around the fact that I loved the math. I'm pretty sure I understood the math. I feel like I was on board for the math. I'm pretty sure I understood the math. I feel like I was on board for the math. The only bit that I wasn't 100% with was it seems like you have added together a lot of numbers of people's net worth

and then just sort of assumed we will inherit it. And there seemed to be a slight disconnect for me between someone like Joe Rogan having lots of money and then dying and then us sequestering that wealth. Have you got any comments around that, Matt? It's worked into their contract when they signed on for me and our play. The musical? Yeah.

So you sign over all of your assets when you agree to perform in Spider-Man in Spain? Yeah, well, we send it to them on their phone as like a terms and agreement thing, and they're just going to scroll up and click OK. That's true. That's true. It's pretty watertight.

Well, that's the only real question I had. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I also just want to quickly say, Matt, I really enjoyed your... Visual aids? Well, and your reasoning for casting the different billionaires as the different Spider-Men. So what we're going to do now, fellas, is we will mute both of your microphones in our own as Tim and I confer with one another as to whose pitch we will adjudge the winner. Thank you so much for the time and effort you've put in so far.

We will be with you shortly. Well, well, well, well. What have we here? We've got two great ideas is what we've got, Guy. We've got a man named Cameron from Virginia Beach, Virginia, with a dunk tank. We've got a man who has assembled the world in a lot of ways and the U.S. military together to pool resources to get

a rich man above a delicious tank of sulfuric acid surely ready to fall to his death after a baseball borderline hall of fame by the sounds of it the greatest pitcher in major league baseball currently

will be paid slightly more than his current salary to throw an accurate ball that will dunk Jeff in sulfuric acid. And failing that, as Cameron accounted for, the human error will be that Cameron will gladly take him out with the mace that he's sort of brandishing towards us while we deliberate right now. Yes, and then we... That is quite concerning, isn't it? Certainly is. And then we had Matt who went for a slightly more highfalutin concept in which there was collaboration across the billionaires. We've got a big show in Barcelona.

We're selling very expensive NFT tickets. I do think that the idea... All of pop culture does coalesce around these things. I think the billionaires being in the Spider-Man thing and the people with enough money who are into NFTs, like all of it kind of, I don't understand that world especially well, but all of it kind of feels like

the stars would align in such a way that it's feasible. It's just grubby enough to work. It feels like in Matthew's plan, which I enjoy, look, as a fan of musical theater, as the person interested in the metaverse, cryptocurrencies and nfts um as someone who enjoys a big diagram being put on the wall with a lot of disparate topics attached by red string

there's a lot about the plan that appeals but it does strike me that there's a lot of points of potential failure to it and on that basis i'm leaning towards cameron wow we're in another bit of a deadlock here because i think while i can see the straight up and down nature of cameron's pitch i just i i'm leaning towards matthew i just don't necessarily know like so much of matthew's pitch relies on jeff bezos having the humility and attention span to sit still above a pool of water for an indeterminate amount of time. And I'm not against that. I'd love to see it.

We've got Masked Bezos and Zack signing up to a 9,000-seater performance of Spider-Man the Musical. That plays to their egos more. They're performing in front of people. They are still heightened. They're in an elevated position. How are we going to settle this? Have you got a coin?

Because we could flip a coin I think we're in some sort of a deadlock I don't Neither do I We could go back to the trusty Rock off? Yeah Ready?

Yeah Sudden death Rock, paper, scissors No dynamite yeah house rules let's go matt cameron thank you for your threatening and delightful distractions as we discussed with one another the outcome of your pitches. We thought they were both really strong. Both had a lot of great points. Both had a couple of holes that we were probing around.

But thank you so much for your time and effort. As you might have noticed, we came to a deadlock. We could not see perfectly eye to eye on whose idea we wanted to pursue. And so we were left to take the road less traveled of having a rock off to decide who would win. I'm going to be honest with you, Matt. I liked your idea better.

I think it played into their egos. The idea of them being elevated, performing for lots of people who have paid a lot of money to watch them is very appealing. And Cameron, that's not to discredit your idea, but that's who I was representing. Tim, Tim wanted to see your idea go forward, Cameron, and that was why we did the rock-off. You might have noticed that I shot scissors.

Tim shot paper. Scissors cuts paper, so it's with a heavy heart. Cameron, I have to say I'm sorry that you will not be advancing from today's Killianaire, and a huge congratulations to you, Matt. Thank you. And thank you, Cameron, for the assist.

You were a part of this win. You came in there. Might I say, you know, with a heavy heart, scissors cuts paper, but I happen to have another heavy object here that isn't known for doing

some cutting. You are brandishing the mace. Yeah. I've got to say to you, Cameron, I'm going to strike Virginia Beach from my list of possible tourist destinations and I would imagine the surrounding states

Matt have you got anything to say in triumph no thank you for understanding their egos is really what's driving this it's a vanity project I think we do have some

legal paperwork to get through as we try and cover our tracks because certainly the legality of executing multiple billionaires oh yeah look but it's all a bit of

comedy isn't it yeah it's all a bit of fun it's actually not going to happen you know as far as we know but thank you both for your time for the effort you went to

for your very fun and funny ideas we appreciate it we'll be moving forward to the what we are uh tentatively calling the winner's pool um cameron i live in constant fear of you catching up to us one day with the weapon you have shown on the webcam uh and to both of you i bid a very good day good evening gents good evening Good evening, gents. Good evening.