The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV 5: Harley v Crum

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

In this thrilling episode of Killionare TV, we have Harley who is leading the charge on Operation DRUG BUTT - a strategy featuring an incredible product named 'Thicc Biscc' and a twist - A HUGE TWIST! Meanwhile Crum has donned his network executive tuxedo to pitch one of the most power television ideas anyone has ever heard. They'll be a lot of dancing, they'll be a lot of meowing. They'll be a Tally-thon Telethon ft. a CEO who hails from Albuquerque, New Mexico.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Killionaire.

Welcome to Killionaire, a concept show where we're trying to fundraise to get one human being to a trillion dollars net worth and then disperse the trillion dollars by some sort of mechanism of removing that trillion dollars from the person. Maybe there's an end of life involved. That's right. I guess we'll find out. Traditionally, that is how we extricate the money, but anything is possible. We are joined for today's episode by the brilliant Harley.

Harley Wake, hello. Can you hear us? I definitely can. Kia ora. That is a way to far shoulders. Kia ora. Tēnā koe. Harley will be competing against Crum.

Crum, how are you doing? Great. Real good. Incredible. Loving it. Loving life. So we've got that classic sort of understated New Zealand approach to conversation. Thank you for joining us both.

I'll tell you what's happening now. I've written down a number on a sheet of paper. That number is between one and one trillion. Harley, I'm going to ask you to go first to guess a number, and whomever guesses the closest will get to decide the order of pitches. Chill, Az. My number is going to be 420,666.69. Phenomenal.

That's very good. And Crum, your submission, please. Two. Okay. Okay, very good. All right, let me, please. Two. Okay. Okay, very good. All right, let me just do the math. I'm just close. There's a bit of a one to a trillion.

Okay, well, I picked 721. So Crum, bizarrely, is closer on two, which was, I think, objectively speaking, a horseshit guess. But Crum, you have the power. Would you like to pitch first or second? I would like to pitch. I pitch second come with that sounds good outstanding case crumb please patiently wait on the line and harley in your own time we would love to hear your ideas fantastic let's get a um slideshow, actually. Oh, my God. All right.

Welcome to Operation Drug Butt. Drugs really unquestionably get Bezos onto trillionaire status tonight. A five-step process to create and kill a trillionaire. Weed Globe. All right. The product. Weed Globe Alright, the product Presenting the next fitness weed sensation Hitting the perfect spot

Between the rising interest Between ath treats And weed edibles Witnessing today Thick Bisk Feel the bake Now this is really important Do y'all see all the details

On this wonderful mascot Drawn by Andrew Acid on Instagram? Oh, my goodness. Yes, I do. I see weed. I see thick tattooed on cookies. I see muscular arms. I see a row of teeth. I see a sparkle and a dimple.

I see what appear to be chocolate chips, veins upon the arms of the muscles, and a weed tattoo. Fantastic. I'm glad y' um are seeing all the details here and if you've confirmed you see all the details let's move on all right the feel the good 24 grams of protein per serving all essential vitamins and nutrients for a balanced diet vegan no animal products and most importantly 24 milligrams of thc the perfect one-to-one ratio of thc and protein this dummy thick bisque is going to get you both dummy baked dummy nourished and dummy thick muscles the strong all right um feel the 12 rad flavors the irresistible flavors that basis won't be able to resist not buying up for amazon we have young fudgeable Toking Brownie, Red Rum Velvet Raisin, Zucchini Killer,

Darkside Cherry Almond, Black Metal Current, Mocha She Wrote, which I have right here. I'd have to shop sharing my screen, but I'll show you all after. A Lavender Raspberry Pie, Oomazon Ube, Mango Into Space While I Were Murdering Him Because There Are No Laws In Space Preventing Me From Doing So, Pineapple I'll Take You Down With Me Cake, Durian Durian, Man go into space while I murder him because there are no laws in space preventing me from doing so. Pineapple, I'll take you down with me, cake. Durian, durian, and hokey pokey yum. All right. Feel the contractual obligation. This is where really the kingpin becomes reborn here.

Because when J.F. Bezos buys this company for only $4,266.69 New Zealand dollars for a 99.9 stake in the company brand and all, he will actually be reading the small print here, which reads, I hereby, with the purchase of Wake's Bakes LLC, agree to make a sincere and genuine commitment to the international documentation of all illicit drugs which are currently illegal in every country on Earth within the next 169 weeks and make them purchasable on Amazon. So,

y'all are thinking, how's that going to work? Well, I have to inform thinking, how's that gonna work? Well, I have to inform you, Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery, it worked on you! In this little cookie here, on that fine little detail, which I did ask, do you see all the details? And you did confirm,

yes! It says, I slash we, Tim Batt and our Guy Montgomery, have simply by looking at this, the mascot, a thick, thick, thick base oh my God, are 100% agreeing and committing to the idea presented. And we cannot back out. It's happening. We're killing a trillionaire through the decriminalization of all drugs with this product. Unless, unless, I say, I slash we say, that's definitely the world's strongest edible with the bus alarms.

But this just isn't the deal for us. Within the next 10 seconds of Harley Wake asking, can you see all the details? So, you have agreed to take on this idea and are doubling down by this, having this read to you. Next, why this works as a plan?

Because of the fact that the illicit drug trade is between like 50 and 450 to 68080 billion for the global GDP, it connects to Amazon's $1.6 trillion net worth already, and becomes a cash boon for Bezos after requiring the thick bisque, and then decriminalizing all the source of the drugs because he is now contractually obligated

to make an effort within the next 169 weeks. And thus, he becomes the world's first trillionaire. So, how do we kill him? He is going to feel the burn to usurp the emperor in a time of celebration. For becoming the first trillionaire, we take the first acid trip in space. Wow. Holy Jesus. That was undeniably very very impressive powerful stuff not least because

within the first few minutes of the presentation i was thinking this is all well and good but i feel like you're using quite a niche podcast to promote a genuine product that you have a vested stake in this right here right does this brand exist in the real world i'm at the corporate headquarters right now this is the building i own for my company oh my god so thick thick bisque is real this is the first pitch we've had so far and we've had a few where this is taking an idea that's already been you know actuated in the real world if that's the word it exists in physical form and this is just about propelling it further this is really cool yeah so the i suppose the first thing to get the hooks into bezos is we need to ensure that this is a tantalizing, profitable, because he only sees profit, I imagine. This is a profitable enough and promising enough company that he will invest.

And in doing so, and absorbing the company into Amazon, he will be legally bound to decriminalize all drugs. Now, Jeff Bezos, I imagine, is a little sharper than Tim and I. He's probably got a room full of high-powered lawyers whose job it is to scan through every slide in a document and read the fine print. We fell right into your trap. Yeah. So credit to you, Harley.

You got us. You fucking got us. Thank you. How do you ensure that Jeff falls into the exact same trap that we did? Jeff and his lawyers. That is the best question that Jeff falls into the exact same trap that we did. Jeff and his lawyers. Hmm. That is the best question to ask,

considering that is the lurch, the pin in all of this operation. You see, there are several tactics in order to do so, such as placing the text in a way that appears on the screen undetectable to Amazon's bots, with spacing it out significantly, but not significantly enough to become legally unrecognizable. There's a certain aptitude that it does fit in this totally actual fact in my totally actual headquarters that I totally actually own for this not comedy podcast wink.

It definitely is comedy. So with all the legal loopholes tested against the Amazon bots by getting to buy a bunch of random shell companies I own, if it succeeds with that one shell company, boom, we go in for the kill with this really good edible, guys. I'm telling you, I've been eating these for, literally, it's the only thing I eat. That's maybe hashtag the autism. You're like those people who come onto Shark Tank

just to basically do an ad on TV. And to be honest, I'm here for it. Absolutely. It's a fantastic use of the platform. I like the slightly amoral interpretation of US contract law, which means that we could finally get one on Bezos and rake him over the coals. I've got to be honest, I've heard enough.

That was an incredibly convincing presentation. I don't have any questions. No further questions either. We'll put you on mute and we'll now pivot to crumb who very sort of valiantly and generously chose to go second i imagine unless you've got something insane prepared as well that might have been quite an intimidating experience what an absolute disaster uh yeah yeah yeah yeah um well beautiful that was a truly amazing pitch um first off i'd like to say where do we live we live in the golden age of television do we not in the post game of thrones era we're looking for

that next big hit the thing that everybody wants their eyeballs glued to. Quite recently, Bezos made a show down here in New Zealand. It will not work. One word, sabotage. I went into every single tent. Every single day on set, I just caused absolute mayhem. I cut a lot of cables. I threw a lot of cameras into the ocean.

Oh, they hate that. They are so behind. Production hates that. It's completely blown out of order. Only because they're making the wrong thing. What has the internet loved since the dawn of time? Pornography. Cats.

And cats. Yes, cats. Both. Cats. Cats and pornography. I bring to you something that's never been seen before. Cats in a hospital setting. I'm talking minxes with scalpels in their hands.

i'm talking minxes with scalpels in their hands i'm talking tabbies who are uh wheeling those little uh hospital beds uh through corridors i'm talking uh interpersonal relationships have you seen scrubs have you seen house haven't seen it with cats have you no um there'll be a lot of dancing there'll be a lot of meowing. Now here's where the money is made. During the entire show, there'll be a number on screen which you can call live and the characters will pick up the phone. It costs money to do this obviously, and there'll be a tally at the bottom of the screen of how much money has been donated and how much money has been generated. Once that hits a trillion dollars, there's a cameo from our boy Jeff Bezos.

He comes on screen. He's one of the patients. They say he's got to go into surgery. He's wheeled in a trolley. It's open heart surgery. in a trolley. It's open heart surgery. It becomes a snuff TV

show. Inside of his chest dollar bills. That's right. The number on the TV screen changes to a place where anyone can access a small proportion of those trillion dollars. Just like that.

His money is sent out into the world wow are we are we able to ask are we still going crime or can we ask questions now sorry that's beautiful yeah well we i think we're meant to say that but you tell us when you're ready for our input. I'm ready I think I'm ready. That's beautiful Crum Crum

first of all you did a lot of sabotage on an Amazon production recently in New Zealand to be applauded we want to recognise that and congratulate you on it thank you you you see a weakness or you see a vulnerability or you see a chink in Jeff Bezos' armour

with respect to his desire to break into the world of prestige television. Absolutely. That is the basis for your idea. Yes. You want to make a TV show built around cats. So in the world of the show where this is a very popular show you're assuming undoubtedly i got a little bit lost between the connection with the cats tv show and the money counter was it it's sort of a telethon

component where there'll be uh there'll be shot live and there'll be telephones on screen at all time and if you pay a certain amount of money, you can call live to the cat characters. And it's a sort of crime rule from New Zealand, similar to Shortland Street. It's sort of a hospital set procedural drama starring cats, though, which would be the twist. And then that transitions into reality television once we get Chief Bezos' cameo there.

Now, my question centers around this fact. How long do you anticipate it taking to get to $1 trillion on the tally of people ringing in? Months. Okay, so what level of donations and how constant do you think the donations will be to get us to that point? And also, I'm assuming the trillion dollars is Jeff Bezos' net worth and not the number of donations that have been made to the show itself. Well, that's a direct funnel. So anybody calling in or donating, it goes directly to a bank account held by Jeff. That is made pretty clear all the time.

I guess that would explain why Jeff would jump on the show because, in effect, he's sort of being paid his appearance fee and quite a healthy one at that, at a trillion dollars. He doesn't know that he's going to die, though. That is a surprise. Of course. Yeah, yeah. He probably wouldn't.

You'd assume he wouldn't come on the show if he knew he was going to be executed. The tabbies, the tabby orderlies. What sort of responsibilities do these cats have in the hospital? Are we to believe that they're dealing with human patients normally or is it sort of Disney's cars but for cats whereby cats are looking after cats, maybe even using cats in the operation as machinery. They're real cats, right? These are just cats. These are cats. These are trained cats.

Are they performing medical procedures on humans or on other cats? Real people. And they're succeeding. No, Jeff Bezos will be the only human. They will be doing procedures on other cats. So it's essentially 99% cats. It's cats on cats. I'm assuming the show also follows the personal lives of the cats,

the comings and goings of their romantic partners, families, whatever challenges they might face in life, the ups and downs. Yeah. Okay. Well. The joys, the hopes, the losses. Yeah. I really like the distribution idea.

I think the immediacy and the sort of generous, immediate equal distribution accessible to all is to be applauded. And I feel like I actually have no further questions. I've just got one final question. And apologies if I've misunderstood here, Crumb, but my understanding is we've got Bezos doing the open-heart surgery on him and I might have believed that his chest cavity is just filled with cash. Yeah.

So that's the case now. He came in with that or is that what happened? That's right. No, that's just a fact. Okay. Yeah. He just has lots of money inside of his chest cavity just for safekeeping, I think.

All right. Well, no further questions for you, Krum. What we will do now is mute both of you and ourselves as we break off to have a private conversation. Stay on the line, please, about the merits of both of your ideas and announce or decide upon a winner, an idea that will be going forward in the competition.

So we've got, again, two very contrasting pitches. We've got Crum's embrace of a variety of different parts of life that are coming to the fore, namely prestige television, the ongoing love of cats. And I suppose he's also incorporating parts of a telethon, which is a bit of a nostalgia kick. It's quite kitschy, but people do enjoy that kind of thing still. On the other hand, we have what was a simultaneously genuine business proposal and a legal loophole through which we can completely exploit i feel like investing

no matter what way we decide what was it thick bisque thick bisque yeah i mean look i i like what crime's describing and it's a show i'd watch but to my eyes and ears there's a one logical choice for which idea will be going forward here i know i know i hear what you're saying but like i don't know there's just i was so it was a whirlwind of information and breathtaking marketing and uh persuasive speech and materials yeah absolutely but there's like an x factor with crumb with his idea so earnestly discussing these things that humans sort of fall for you know like like cats it's like a fatal flaw of humans he understands that about us i i i don't disagree but i think and look again i'd love to watch it but i just i don't i can't totally

comprehend the the the functionality of the TV show itself. So the cats, are they dressed like people dress in hospitals? Hold on, we better ask, actually, because that seems kind of important. Sorry, Crumb, we've just got one final detail. While we're still talking, we just have to... Are the cats in the show, are they wearing clothes? What are they? Yeah, they're wearing scrubs.

Thank you. Yeah, so the cats are dressed as people and they're trained cats. I just feel like the pipeline from conception to execution is going to take... There are no cats I know that are trained. I think you're right. I want to see

the show. I'm desperate to see Crumb's idea come into the world. Let's get on the line and tell them as much. But you're right. It's Harley. It's Harley up and down. North, south, east to west. Yeah.

It's Harley. Okay. Do you want to? I'll tell them. Okay. Harley and Crumb, welcome back into the room. Thank you so much for bearing with us there. We had an invigorating and enlightening discussion about the, you know,

I guess the concepts that you both brought to us. Crumb, it's agreed upon that this is a show we look forward to watching. I think it's dynamite. It's rock solid. Yeah. We love the idea. You got it over the line with the scrubs. And Harley, what you put in front of us was an absolute whirlwind of, you know,

whiz-bang marketing and know-how about the U.S. legal system, which engendered a sense of confidence in your idea that is to be lauded. And feared. Yeah. And it is for that reason that we are going to be pursuing the thick bisque idea, the knowledge of contract law, and this sounds like a reasonable means to get Jeff Bezos over a trillion dollars.

So congratulations to you, Harley. Harley, you have taken out this round of Kill Your Near. I'm so sorry. I need to buy up ad space on Crumb's show because that sounds like the most phenomenal cat drama of all time, even above cats yeah listen it will be but it will not be for jeff bezos now i'll take it to i'll take this one to elon i think okay well that's good i i i see a big future in that crumb and um you know

no hard feelings i should hope because we're really excited to see this show in which cats are running a hospital and a telethon. And hearing you say it out loud, it's just so good. It does feel like a bit of a mess that we've passed on it, but our decisions are final. Thank you both so much for your time. And we'll be seeing you online and in person.

I don't know what the teacher in court, depending on whether or not everyone agrees with us that this is indeed a comedy podcast. Thank you guys so much. We'll see you on the other side. Good night. Good luck. Peace out. you