The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV 6: Jacob v Patricia

Episode Date: June 9, 2022

In the arena for this sixth episode of Killionaire TV, Patricia and Jacob battle to see how can we can glow up the bank account of and then end the run of, Zuckerberg and Bezos, respectively. Today's schemes truly have it all: Casinos, octopuses, big windows and bigger stinks. We've got a couple of real pros on set today from hemispheres as diverse as the northern and southern ones.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website / SubstackGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Killioneer.

Hello and welcome to Killioneer. Tim and Guy on a mission to find the very best plan to make and quickly kill a trillionaire. You've got a slightly different take on it though. Yours is more like, we'll make a trillionaire and then see what happens, right? Well, we'll get someone over a trillion dollars, yeah, and then we'll sort of vibe it out. But I've got a rough idea of what their fate will be. We are joined by two Kellyanne Air contestants. They're here. They've been here for a long time.

Yeah. We've been mucking around with microphones and whatnot, trying to make it all work. In a sense, we've all been here for a long time. Please welcome yourselves. Hello, Jacob. Hello. Hello. And hello, Patricia. Hello. We're very excited to have you both here joining us from the Northern Hemisphere,

one of the top two hemispheres. Big time. Now, before we get into your pitches, we need to figure out who is going to go first. And we will do this by playing a random guessing game. I am going to think of a number between 0 and 100. Between 1 and 100. 0 is not on the menu. So strike that from your mind. I'm going to think of a number from 1 to 100 and Jacob

I'm going to get you to guess what that number is first. Write it down. Write down what you're thinking. Because you might change your mind otherwise. You've got to write it down. Okay. Jacob, you can guess the number first. 21. Okay. Patricia, go.

Two. Two is my guess. Okay. That is an insane guess. Obviously, guessing near the middle would make a lot more sense, but fill your boots, Patricia. The number was 77. So, Jacob, you are closer.

You get to choose the running order. Would you like to speak first, or would you like to cede that opportunity to Patricia? I'll go first. Why not? Fantastic. I admire your bravery. We are very excited.

Patricia, if you'd be kind enough, I'm going to mute you now. Please stay on the line. Fine. Jacob, the floor is yours. Okay. Am I sharing my screen? Can you see that? Oh, fancy.

Yes, I can see that. I have it. Okay. I'm immediately excited by this. Jacob, you are sharing your screen in a big way. Okay, perfect. So welcome to my pitch, Killianair Casino Nights. So the overall plan is that I'm going to get

the two of you jobs working at a casino. I'm leaning towards the Crown Casino in Sydney, but a casino of your choice. I know who will. Then the next step is to entice Bezos

or any other billionaire to the casino with a single promotional no-limit roulette spin, I will then rig the game in his favor and then murder him basically immediately. So first of all, the setup. We're going to need both of you employed. One is a waiter and one as a roulette dealer.

I've assigned the roles pretty arbitrarily. So if you want to swap, feel free. But this is what we're using for the purpose of the presentation. And I believe that I can, particularly for you, Tim, coach you through the rigorous full interview process of becoming a roulette dealer. Why am I qualified for this? Because six months ago, I was offered a position as

a trainee roulette dealer at the Sydney Star Casino. Why can't I just do it? Because four days into the job, I was fired for not being able to handle the chips properly. I wasn't dexterous enough in my fingers. So that's left a black mark, which means I'll never work in a casino again. Wow. So, the bet. As of yesterday, I didn't update it today, Jeff Bezos is in third place in the billionaire rankings, which means he can safely bet $40 billion without falling below Bill Gates.

The payout on any single number in a roulette wheel is 35 to 1. This gives us a total winning of $1.4 trillion. And I believe that Bezos, there's nothing he can't buy with $130 billion. The only reason not to risk it is to risk the ranking. And this would shoot him right up to number one um where he believes he rightfully belongs uh so i think as soon as we advertise this he'll be on the first plane to sydney um now how are we going to rig this game um i've thought about this a lot magnets um a ball made out of metal, some kind of magnetic device hidden in the roulette wheel.

Now, the casino obviously won't be on board with you rigging the game, which means as well as becoming the most trusted roulette dealer in the entire casino, you're also going to have to learn quite a bit of close-up magic in order to slide a hand of magnet onto the board. But with that done, the bet will go through and Jeff Bezos will collect his $1.4 trillion in casino chip winnings. That's where Guy comes into the picture.

Now, ideally, we want to kill him as quickly as possible after he becomes a trillionaire, so the trillionaire can only exist for mere seconds um now how are we going to do it poison of course not poison shows up in an autopsy he might not even order a drink maybe he has a taster like some kind of rich king um instead what we're going to lace the drink with is bam the world's slipperiest material uh we fill a drink with that we don't serve it to him we drop it instead on the floor right next to an open window 10 stories above sydney streets um then this will result um in jeff bezos slipping over and out the window, raining casino chips down on the people of Sydney.

This has inbuilt wealth redistribution right in the moment. It can be made to look like an accident. No one's going to check the contents of the drink. And finally, it also bankrupts the casino as an added bonus. The end? Yeah. Any questions? Well, first of all thank you congratulations fantastic

presentation jacob uh really solid idea i'll let you jump in first i've got a few questions but can i just kick off with um in your ranking of the richest people there was someone called uh bernard arnold and family yeah who the fuck is that we've spoken about yeah right and in previous episodes of the podcast he's a he's a frenchman with a huge um i believe he owns some haute couture or high fashion brands their family do they are wow he owns like a lot of them yeah i i had never heard of him either until i saw this list but yeah he owns like i actually couldn't name a single one i think louis vitton okay yeah i think that does sound right, you know, if he gets to a trillion dollars off of his own steam,

we'll deal with that as and when it occurs. But there's something about pushing a Frenchman over a trillion, which it feels disingenuous to me. In what way? It feels like this person's meant to be American. He's top three. That's my own prejudice. I don't know where that's coming from.

Don't bring this into this. Okay. He's the only one only one in like the top 20 who isn't american i'm pretty sure we've got a 40 billion dollar spin we've got 35 to 1 odds we've got a 1.4 trillion dollar payout my initial feeling is that perhaps the casino doesn't have that on hand um that is something i haven't really thought about um i think i think as a publicity stunt they'd be willing to go uh i think we could talk them into going no limit without really thinking about what no limit means okay um i suspect they would just be so embarrassed when Jeff Bezos showed up with $40 billion in cash that they called in a few favors and borrowed some poker chips,

some casino chips from neighboring casinos, borrowed a lot of money, made it work. So you could have backed up in the process. In your mind's eye, you're imagining that they do this on the arrival of Jeff Bezos. These aren't chips that they have prepared. They see Jeff Bezos and they do a quick whip around Australian casinos. Okay.

That's my thinking, yeah. Fair enough. Have you got more? Yeah, I do, actually. I'm very interested in you being so bad at handling the chips that you were fired four days into your tenure at the casino. bad at handling the chips that you were fired four days into your tenure at the casino now yeah what are australians labor laws that you could just be fired for for you know sausage fingers effectively so there's a six-week training program and when you sign the contract it says um if you fail any assessment as part of the training program,

you can be let go immediately. And on the fourth day, they have what's called a chipping assessment where you have to – a lot of it is just picking up a lot of chips very quickly and putting them in neat stacks. And, yeah, it's a very dexterous art form. Jacob, do you know roughly how many people make it through that phase and how many people face a similar fate to yourself? Yeah, so I think I was the only one in class of 45 who failed. Sorry to hear that.

I've got to say, obviously that was upsetting. I spoke to a few other, yeah. That's upsetting, but it sounds like they made the right decision. Yeah, I think if you have even just below average, if you're in the top 90% of dexterity, you'll probably be fine. Yeah. Wow. It's a high, because I can't imagine the wages are like phenomenal at the casino i imagine

they're like good but to 23 dollars and 15 cents an hour that's pretty fucking good by new zealand money anyway okay um magnets close-up magic i'm a big fan of that no i think that's it for questions for me uh one of the big questions i had was the the the window which plays such an important role in the execution of jeff bezos a lot of the time when you're on those high-rise buildings the windows are on brackets or they only open a certain amount uh what's your proposal for ensuring that we have a window that is open wide enough for a person to slip through um i suppose i hadn't thought about that um thinking on the fly here um we're on the fly here if some someone could do something very stinky in the casino causing them

to want to open the window right great great okay, great. Okay. What if, Jacob, we got you into the casino to take a shit on the floor? I'd be willing to do that for the cause, yeah. Fantastic. That's probably good for now. That's very good. Thank you, Jacob. What we're going to do now is mute you

so that we can speak to our next contestant, Patricia. But before we do jacob thank you very much well played okay and uh patricia welcome hi thank you i'd like to thank my competitor that was very good oh wow so gracious they won't yeah so gracious there won't be any overlap because I've decided to kill Mark Zuckerberg, so it's fine. Maybe we can do both. Yeah.

So I'm going to start with kind of reading my initial pitch, which leads to just how to get him over the Killianair, kind of the Trillionaire Mark, and then I'm going to wing it a bit more in the actual murder plot. I love that. Sounds good. Yeah. So I'm happy that at long last an opportunity has arisen to share my

innovative and foolproof method of pushing New York native and Taurus, Mark Elliott Zuckerberg across the trillion dollar mark with the subsequent aim of murdering him for shared profit. Step one. What is the biggest financial drag in terms of known lizard and Harvard graduate Mark Zuckerberg's iteration of the metaverse? It is, of course, the problem of servers. Running a media empire and hosting a future dystopian virtual reality platform takes massive processing power.

Servers need to be cold, and currently the planet is heating up. But how do we make global warming and rising oceans work for us? We go aquatic. I will convince Zuckerberg that the cool ocean floor is prime real estate for his server farms and help to push this policy across the senate floor or however Americans process their clown politics. Saving money on rent and air conditioning systems this will surely rocket Zuckerberg's profits into the trillions. This is however all part of my long-term assassination strategy. Years pass, Mark Zuckerberg learns to swim, and Meta begins building his

oceanic architecture. Little does Zaki know that I have been diving into previous NASA research on the intercommunication of human and sea creatures. Without psychedelics, and most importantly without fucking any dolphins, I will successfully begin to speak to a number of underwater animals with whom I collude on an aquatic murder plot

of one pasty bug-eyed trillionaire. For this, I choose as my partner in the venture the giant Pacific octopus. All right. Years have passed. Meta has succeeded with building underwater farms, like data farms. And just a normal Thursday,

Mark Zuckerberg is going down one of his tunnels down into the servers. He has his own tunnel, private tunnel, which has windows open for viewing of the oceanic floor. He's on an electric scooter. As he's going down the tunnel, there's no sounds. He's just whistling along. And then he hears a tapping on the outside of the tunnel. He thinks perhaps it's a shoal of fish or something. He stops. He gets gets off he looks out the window and sees what he first thinks is an octopus but it's actually me in a full copper steampunk

tear underwater diving suit he goes up to the window i go no response from Zuckerberg. Shocked. I go, look behind you. He goes, what is happening? I go, look behind you. And he looks behind himself to the other window. Through the other window is what he thinks is now another steampunk diving suit, but it is actually a giant Pacific octopus in its normal tidal habitat. So I didn't go into this this but the communication is like a movement-based form because that's actually how octopuses communicate traditionally with other octopi um it's holding many small wrenches unscrewing the bolts which are stupidly on

the outside of the tunnel um immediately it crushes water fills in i think zuckerberg will immediately die from this but But actually, what I didn't know is that he spent quite a lot of money on genetic engineering over the last few years, and he now has gills. The octopus fucked off. I'm now alone with Zuckerberg in the water. I put my hands around

Mark Zuckerberg's veiny throat, but then realized in the moment that I'm about to kill a human being for profit i pause um thinking that maybe i don't want to kill another human being for that even if it's a shared profit especially since i've looked up how much one trillion is divided among the population of the planet and it's about 140 dollars um going on i let go we kind of sheepishly float to the surface I immediately get

onto land, shamed that I failed this plot, I look out at the water, close enough to see Mark Zuckerberg's eyes, and I start to think about all the things that we have in common how lonely we've probably been over the last few years, I wonder what the name of his childhood pet was, I wonder

if he's buried a parent in the last few years, wonder what the name of his childhood pet was um i wonder if he's buried a parent in the last few years and if when he sat in the pews of the church he felt that he was taking attention away um by his media personality realizing he's going to miss this person for the rest of his life as i think that a single tentacle rises from the water. It's the octopus. It has interpreted the otter-like Zuckerberg as one of its natural enemies, and with the swift crack of a whip, breaks Zuckerberg's neck. I think it was a good thing

that I invested some time in teaching a lot of varieties of crustaceans, mostly river crawfish, to write Zuckerberg's handwriting, which have infiltrated the administrative offices of Facebook in the meantime, and re-signed his will to distribute his trillion dollars to the population. And I go home. And that's it. Wow. Thank you, Patricia.

Wow. First of all, the pathos you achieved towards the end of that when you were wrestling with the end of that when you were wrestling with the idea of removing another person's mortality was genuinely moving my initial question and you don't have to answer this because i'm aware that this project is um somewhat fraught for some people in certain areas and you may not want to reveal this but what do you do for a living if you please please? I do research for an artist in Berlin. Right, research for an artist.

Incredible. Yeah. My money was on novelist, screenwriter, storyteller of some description. Patricia. Murderer, perhaps. Well, no, it sounds like you don't have what it takes. But I just have to ask you. So communicating with an octopus is one thing.

We know the octopus is one of the most intelligent species on the planet. And I don't doubt your ability to break through that communication barrier and start being able to engage. But my question is more about how do you then pivot from communicating to sort of loading up an octopus with your own agenda or propaganda and how do you know that an octopus might not be carrying out its own version of a similar mission where it's learning to communicate with a human and has designs on loading you up with information to enact its will wow wow wow look look it's all about uh interspecies trust my guy okay um and so of course i can't truly know if the octopus intended to follow through on my plan i can only lead him to the point that i've tried to communicate through interpretive dance

and similar kind of octopi great answer answer, Patricia. Comes down to emotional link. There's only certain things that are in our control, Guy. And assessing fully to full confidence whether or not the octopus is on board with the plan or trying to double cross you is actually outside your total sphere of influence. We can only try our best. I don't doubt that. But I guess I'm just curious about the you know the the intensity of bond i mean you're gonna have to spend so much time with this octopus and throughout your entire

pitch a lot of the time you said many years pass how long do you see from this moment until its totality this this plan taking well look for someone else it would probably have taken decades but i have a natural rapport with sea creatures and so for me i estimate seven i was going to say six okay we're in the ballpark seven years all right um i'm pretty concerned and i know that this so what you have done in your plan which is very important and good is basically game out what is the most likely sequence of events and i just wanted to highlight highlight for everyone that i'm very concerned by zuckerberg gaining the ability to swim that doesn't feel like a good thing to me

i don't like that he is able to um travel through the water for any distance and uh it's just you know if i can impress upon everyone the importance of us taking these billionaire come trillionaires down it's that zuckerberg might learn how to navigate water. No, I don't think, when you said Zuckerberg might learn to swim, he's still commuting to work on an electric scooter in a tunnel. He's not confident. It's like if you take a five-year-old to swim in lessons three times. It still scares me.

It just means that he doesn't immediately drown. Yeah, exactly. And that's a problem for me. I follow your logic about the servers, the water. I mean, having one octopus with essentially a toolbox from the 70s, able to sort of open up the panels and flood this entire operation running what is now our lived-in experience and constructed reality in these server farms under the ocean.

I mean, it'd be pretty fortuitous, but maybe that's just how things work, you know? You only need one weak link in the chain and the whole thing comes down. So I guess it's just a matter of finding that panel. $140 per person. I'd never done the math before. It seems like we're risking a lot.

But I found a website that said that one trillion divided by someone else doing the calculations one trillion divided by just everyone in the united states is three thousand two hundred and sixty eight dollars which is not a lot so i even think that my calculation of 142 dollars per everyone on the planet sounds low yeah it might be right who knows who knows it's it's literally impossible to tell. Yeah, yeah. We just can't run the numbers. Look, it's an interesting and intriguing proposal.

Oh, yeah, and then Zuckerberg getting gills? Yeah. I mean, I'm worried by the fact that he can swim to the level of like a 10-year-old, but him then getting gills? Just before we get to assessing which of your ideas we'd like to pursue, I also have to ask Patricia, in the plan, he's on his e-scooter, he's underwater,

and you approach one of the windows from the outside. I don't know how pressurized these windows are to protect against the immense force of water surrounding it, but you communicate through the window. I just need to be walked through the particulars. Do you get into the tunnel? Does he come out of the tunnel?

Or you're speaking and he's hearing you through the tunnel? Great question. So when I'm outside, so when I first see him, I'm outside. So there's glass separating us and then my extravagant suit. Yes. So I have to use quite a lot of lung power to communicate to him. But once it's broken down, I kind of skimmy out of it to be able to have full body-to-body contact upon murder.

So the tunnel breaks down, is that right? Yeah, yeah. The octopus removes kind of the outer bearings of the tunnel. It immediately collapses. Yeah, great. Yeah, and then we kind of the outer bearings of the tunnel. It immediately collapses. Yeah, great. Yeah, and then we kind of convene in the water. We're not very far under the surface. Like, I kind of wore the suit for show.

We're actually just about 10 meters out from the shoreline at this point. I like that you went with a steampunk version of it, though. I got a real strong visual of it's brassy, it's bold. It's very fashion forward do you know who would appreciate it bernard arnold i doubt that as a as a high fashion magnet i'd say he's probably anti-steampunk but that's a different conversation it's coming back babies um all right i think we've heard enough from you as well patricia thank you both for your fantastic pitches we're now going to mute hold the line ourselves and we will discuss the merits of both your ideas

and we'll come back to you once we know whose idea we will be pursuing momentarily. Okay. Hi, Tim. Guy. How are you? Worried. About?

Zuckerberg getting girls. Okay, you don't like that? I don't like it at all and it's but it's not like part of patricia's plan it's just she's gaming out what's what's going to happen in the future so i don't want to hold it against her this isn't like marks against her um i really like the idea of us working in a casino yeah i i was especially the australian you've got to check your ego when you're doing stuff like this but i was a little bit affronted by oh your role is the waiter well i don't stuff like this. But I was a little bit affronted by...

Oh, your role as the waiter? Well, I don't mind being a waiter, but there was a sort of an assumption. And even it was sort of touched upon in his speaking where he said, you know, Tim obviously has to do this. No, he said it was arbitrary. No, he said it was arbitrary, but then he said another thing which suggested that you're the only person who could be the dealer. And you're going to learn close-up magic. No, no, no, no, no. And then all of a sudden I'm going to get left behind left behind i'm just gonna be this clumsy waiter who's you know

like you're not gonna be in the news they're gonna it's it's like you know what you do need to check your ego it's silly you know i'm so happy for you to be a dealer and then close up magic i'm really happy about that too but i i felt like we probably oh yeah whoever is the croupier is it what it's called in roulette? Croupier? Or is it something else? It's a lovely word. It's craps. I'm going to go with it anyway.

Whoever the croupier is, is the person who needs to learn close-up magic to put the magnets on, right? Okay, so that's the same person. So I am like the window thing. You've got more hospo experience than me, I think. I do. So this does kind of lend itself to, and I've probably got more gambling experience than you yeah i won some money on the weekend actually oh good for you sports betting gambling on sports um that's all by the by look i like the idea i like it's called casino nights and i like where we got to with it i i am like the getting bezos like we're banking

on bezos really wanting a trillion dollars. Somehow the advertising material is about this deal happening at the casino. And also no one else swooping in before him. I know. All of a sudden the casino bankrupted him before we set this up for Bezos. Yeah. You've also got the window brackets. Those high-rise buildings.

Yeah. Those windows do not open very far. That is a health and safety measure that they take, not just against billionaires, but against everyone. Do you know why as well? So people don't jump out. Yeah, of course yeah and so i just feel like even if he shits on the floor yeah people are going to notice that window's open you're going to have the floor manager coming over and saying we need to shut that i know it stinks but we need to shut that plans rely on a lot of yeah a lot of things

happening just so well yes because but i actually think patricia's plan is more likely to work. Yeah. More likely to unfold and work in the ways that she's described. Yeah. I mean, there's so much about the casino night's plan to love. Yeah. So much. Close up magic, gambling. I like casinos generally. Yeah.

But I've got to go with my head here because we've got a goal in mind. And I'm saying it now. My vote's with Patricia. I mean, I've got my reservations about my head here because we've got a goal in mind and I'm saying it now my vote's with Patricia look I mean I've got my reservations about Patricia's plan as well I like the idea of going underwater

apparently the rent and the air conditioning are both cheaper yeah we didn't ask how but I'm going to trust her what underwater? yeah

because you're not taking up land and it's it's because you're using the power of the cold ocean to cool all your equipment down. Microsoft have done an experiment. They've done this. This is a known thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I mean, I just... You're using the ocean as your heat sink. I'm doing my due diligence. My instincts also say Patricia. Well, looks like we're good. Hi, folks. Welcome back.

I would just unmute both of you as well. So we've just had a pretty robust and rigorous discussion, as you could probably see us gesticulate through. It was very animated. It was. And that's because you've animated us. You've activated us in a very exciting way. And before we tell you who we've adjudged the winner of this particular episode of Kilenia, we do want to thank you both for your time and the energy you put into your pictures.

They were both outstanding. Lots of love. What do I love? I love Patricia's steampunk ocean diving suits. I love befriending aquatic life. I like an interspecies relationship, not sexual, to go against the forces of evil vis-a-vis the hyper wealthy what do i like about jacob's plan i like being in a casino you do that's something you do really like

and you like the idea of learning close-up magic i like the idea of learning close-up magic without having to engage with the possibility of becoming a magician it would be pretty hard to do once you'd learned it. You'd start at parties and then all of a sudden you're doing it on stage a little bit, you're doing it on the street. But that's by the by. I like luring Bezos to a casino and there's a lot to love about it.

I like the immediacy between which we get him that money and we execute him. However, there can only be one winner and based on the merits of both of your ideas and us gaming out the probability of which one would work we will be pursuing uh patricia your idea is the winner today congratulations uh jacob also congratulations to you but apologies we just aren't quite ready to dive into casino nights as it currently stands this may or may not have something to do with the fact that you cast me in the role of the casino croupier i look i i tried to put my ego at the door but i was a i was a you know you said it

was arbitrary but then tim's getting into all the cool stuff hey you're the one who gets to do the murder um that's that's scary that's all of a sudden we're all in this together and then i'm the guy who's slipping him out a window um i base it entirely on the fact that uh in episode two of the original series tim knew something about roulette well all right jacob thank you so much and patricia a hearty congratulations to you how are you feeling i'm feeling really great i'm really happy i mean i spent a lot of time and energy on like um this plan that i'm going to execute so i'm happy that i have some support that's just the beginning you know all going well you're going to be spending a lot of time and energy with Octopi.

That's true. But thank you both for your time. It's now time for us to terminate this call as we must move on in our adventures. But thank you very much. And we will be talking to you soon. Goodbye. Any final thoughts for everyone listening? I'm looking forward to seeing the other contestants ideas right i should have thought about the window in advance uh it's probably my main one

fair enough okay well thank you very much you do © transcript Emily Beynon