The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV 7: Stephanie v Jamie

Episode Date: June 26, 2022

We are back! The Frosty Fellaz are joined by Jamie who hails from "by London" and has a dating app that will target Jeff Bezos and hit him where it hurts. Stephanie beams in from the equally non-specific "outside Boston" with a diabolical scam (and props) built around the old timey appeal of a charity fair dunk tank. Yes again but this one is different!Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Killionaire. Hello and welcome to another exciting edition of Killionaire,

a game show slash, I'm going to call life competition to create Earth's first trillionaire and then disperse all the money from killing the world's first trillionaire. That's right. Can I also throw in the telethon genre? I feel like there's a telethon energy to this. We're fundraising in a way, aren't we? That's true. For the community.

That's true. The global community. And to that end, let's meet the callers we have on the line right now. Let's meet some of the global community. We are joined by Jamie. Hello, Jamie. Good evening, my fine gentleman. Oh, how are you?

Yeah, pretty good. Nice brisk 9.30pm over here. Over here is over where? Over in the UK, over by London. I see. By London. Good on you, Jamie. We're dealing with some pretty spicy material.

I wouldn't want to give too much away about my location when you say buy London where exactly you don't have to share that if you don't want to that's for me

to know alright wow I like there's a real intrigue to you Jamie and Jamie you will be

pitching against Stephanie hello Stephanie how are you Kira hello I'm well thank you fantastic

where do you hail from. I'm well, thank you. Fantastic. Where do you hail from, Stephanie? I'm outside Boston, Massachusetts. I see. Guy and I are currently outside Hamilton, so we're all doing okay. Yeah, delightfully vague. And what's the time where you are currently, Stephanie, just so that we can get a gauge? It is 4.30 p.m.

Oh, lovely. That afternoon energy. We get a gauge. It is 4.30pm. Oh, lovely. That afternoon energy. We missed it by 10 minutes. 4.20pm. Yeah. Oh, yes. The weed time. It's a pleasure to meet you both. The way that we will work this is we would like to give you both a fair hearing. You'll both get an opportunity to

speak for your own designated amount of time. The floor will solely be yours. To determine who will go first, I have written down a number between 1 and 1,000 on a sheet of paper. Stephanie, I'm going to ask you first what number you would like to guess. 732. Okay. And Jamie?

36. Okay, and Jamie? 36. Okay, a strong, strong guess, but unfortunately Stephanie has won. Yeah. The number I wrote down was 666, the number of the beast. Ah, yes.

And then there's a song where they say that, and then they say fire and hell are soon to be released. My man knows culture. So what that means is Stephanie... So they've affidavit his child. his child you get what i don't know we'll get to it later no hold on do you want to expand on that a lot of jamie oh i thought i thought you were giving us a bit of a quote of uh aphrodite's child that you know the uh well-known concept album of uh 666 i probably was it was a friend listened to a lot in school and they'd walk around singing it and I'd be like, what is that?

And then I wouldn't listen to the answer. So you just knew the lyric, but you didn't know the band or anything? I don't know where it's from. No, we all could be. Stephanie, you get to choose if you would like to pitch first or get Jamie to. I will pitch first. Fantastic. I love that confidence.

Jamie, your ass is getting muted. Stay right there. And Stephanie, I'm very excited to announce that the floor is yours. You may begin in your own time. Thank you very much. The plan, gentle people, rests on this idea. What do folks love to see more than anything?

They love seeing a big fat cat taken down by a regular person. And what could make them enjoy it even more if it was paired with doing good for the world's most vulnerable? Sick children, abused animals, victims of natural disasters. But how to combine these two concepts into one comedy plan to create and assassinate the world's first trillionaire. I give you... Thank you for including the word comedy. I give you the simple dunk tank, a staple of carnivals, fairs, circuses, and fets. The dunk tank allows a regular person the chance to hurl a ball at a target

and soak the person on the hot seat. Now, if you are a visual learner, I have included a component for you. Because as we all know, podcasts, famously a visual medium. Yes. Oh, my God. Whoa, it's a diorama. It is a diorama. I love these things. This is the forerunner, as far as I know, is face, Elon Musk.

This is the target. Keep that in your mind as we continue. I'm so sorry. I sneezed. That's okay. Thank you. The plot. We tell everyone, especially these fellow's employees, that Zucks, Musk, and Bezos have

signed on to do a charity dunk tank event. All proceeds to benefit whatever charity seems likeliest to appeal to the people of that locale. Folks can buy tickets to have a shot at throwing a ball at a target and sinking the billionaire of their choice. All proceeds go to charity. We even get buy-in from real major league and Olympic pitching talent, offering people a chance to buy a much more expensive ticket to have say Max Scherzer throw the ball for them. We run this scam in multiple international locales for maximum financial gain. The twist. The billionaires are never informed. When people show up and find out that their prepaid tickets have gotten them absolutely nothing

in exchange for their hard-earned dollars, they get angry. They start demanding answers, and they start looking for compensation. The ignition. We release the funds to the closest to a trillionaire guy, pushing him over the mark, and then we issue a press statement leaking the information that the charity money was never given to those sick kids or displaced earthquake survivors, but instead was put inside the pockets of the newly minted trillionaire. The spark. The location of the trillionaire, is leaked. What comes next?

A furious mob, once united in their goal to do good and have a chance at dunking a billionaire, now set upon the trillionaire, armed with the softballs and baseballs and, hey, cricket balls they would have used at a charity dunk-a-thon event. Death by balling. The end. Wow. Yep, congratulations, Stephanie. Now, for those who are just listening and can't actually see the diorama, and this is sort of ancillary to the broader pitch, which is fantastic,

you've gone for a slightly unconventional dunk tank where you've put the person who risks being dunked behind the target. You have Elon Musk's face behind the thing that you're aiming for. Yes. Somewhat non-traditional. Can you talk me through that choice? Well, keep in mind these billionaires aren't going to show up, so they're not going to see these fellas otherwise. And also, you know, that might get a personal flair to the location so if we for example identify that the nation or the locale prefers to dunk on zuckerberg we can we can change

up the faces too that is something we can do i like it i like that so just let me let me get this straight stephanie to make sure i understand the plan completely is that so the billionaires we say they're going to be there yes and then maybe they're not well they're definitely you feel like okay they're not so then what are people dunking oh they are falling into the tank they're not they just show up they show up and become we just get all the money yeah this is just all the money. We've got all their ticket money before they figure that out. I think a very important question here is who is running PR, HR, who is on the ground at these events when people who have spent their hard-earned money

and different amounts of money mean different things to different people, but you're going to have a lot of very angry, athletic people together at once. How do we ensure that we can temper their fury in that moment and then sort of collectivize and incentivize it to run towards – because I imagine the news cycle, the amount of time it will take between all these events being revealed as scams and the people finding out that it's a scam with the purpose of getting someone a trillion dollars or however that information is processed by them

who's fronting that who's responsible for communicating that in a calm way that means that they're not going to become furious you know on the day members of the killian air community this is this is the sacrifice we make these are the the bold steps we have to take. Yeah. So I imagine we all have to go through a training program on like conflict resolution and also, you know, how to how to calm certain people down in different situations. Yes. Possibly also, you know, arming our people with Nerf guns because we don't want to be too violent. No, non-lethal weaponry. Absolutely. This plan is incredibly dastardly um i'll be honest with you stephanie we have uh i i think from the reading of the entries that

came through this isn't the only dunk tank idea this is the only one that is a massive global bait and switch yeah twice Like the first bait and switch to steal people's ticket money and then sort of allay their fears or anxieties by saying it's all going to charity and then just dropping it all in the bank account of an existing billionaire? Like to ensure that one of these billionaires

is unknowingly stealing from charity is delightfully evil. You're very charming Stephanie, but I feel like there is some very evil shit going on in that head of yours. I do write crime novels. Ah, this makes a lot of sense. And also this sort of speaks to the

chapters that you've given us. So I heard Ignition and Spark. Was there another one that I missed? Let's see so there's the plot the twist the ignition the spark what comes next it's very well laid out it's um i honestly like yeah i don't think i as an insider and knowing that we were eventually going to be dropping this money on a trillionaire knew that that was exactly how it was going to go. So, you know, power to you. We're going to need to put a lot of money into the marketing of the dunk tank, you know.

I don't know. You've got to spend a buck to make a buck, you know. Well, yeah. I think you can form a dunk tank pretty cheaply, though. Yeah. How many guys talking about getting the word out? Encouraging enough people to pay their money so that we've got the guaranteed funds to then, when we drop it into the billionaire's account,

it gets them over a trillion dollars. We've talked about this before, Tim and I, where we don't want to accidentally wind up executing a billionaire with $999.999 billion. I mean, it would be humiliating for all involved and we'd be liable to be tried for a murder. So, yeah, it's a very interesting idea. We thank you for your time.

I have no further questions, Tim. You're satisfied as well? I am. All right. Yeah, do you want to add anything, Stephanie? I feel like we did a lot of talking at the end there. Oh, no, thank you very much for this opportunity. Wow, thank you.

We will put you on mute now Stephanie as we hand the floor over to Jamie. Jamie, hello, how are you? You still there? That's a bit of a tough one to follow, I'm not going to lie Don't let this experienced crime writer

get you shaken in your boots I believe in you Jamie, wholeheartedly and if you want to just take a deep breath and then whenever you feel comfortable, lay your plan on us. I'm going to try and find some Reef Mathewson energy. All right, boys. If I may, frosty fellas.

What is nature's one true constant? We get horny. Okay. There's horny people everywhere. And the dating app market is probably pretty good at the moment, isn't it? Okay. What do we know about Jeff Bezos? I'll let you think about that as I explain phase one of the plan.

Okay, so we're making a dating app. An all-inclusive, open and welcoming dating app designed specifically for bald men. Anyone is welcome to use the app to find love. It's encouraged. We celebrate bald men we hate exclusion we love bold men and you can join especially bold men bold women bold people bold men we're bolder bolder is better we've got we've got the plan there right but we need to sink some money into marketing you You know what they say about money as well.

You've got to spend that money. So my campaign involves a couple of things. Advertising. Over here we have the tube. I don't know where you guys advertise, but we have the tube. That's quite good. Now, I've reached out to Matthew Broderick

and it's a no but the initial plan initial plan Matthew Broderick Imagine Poser on the left Matthew Broderick here

Big Cross you guys were with Billy Corgan Smashing Pumpkins frontman. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Him on the right, Big Tick. Boulder. Boulder is better.

I was thinking we could, you know, get Every Kiss is a Gift in there. I also wrote a song, but I don't actually have my guitar down here. That's okay. I would love to hear a cappella if you'd be so kind jamie if you're bezos or zuck and you're looking to fuck uh uh-oh give us your best smolder we'll get your dicks on boulder boulder boulder that's the that but it's bldr yeah Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wait, like the rock? Like a big stone?

Yeah, yeah, like Dwayne. Because this is what bald men's heads look like. This is brilliant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where does the money come in, boys? I'm glad you asked. Integrated advertising. Let the record show that Jamie has cracked and is smashing a beer crunch it crunch it so what we're going to do probably like every three or four accounts will be a dummy

account that we sell sell to like i don't know heineken or some something and so someone's it's like a a pretty person holding you know product placement sell sell that ad space you get this apparently it's what the millennials like so we do that uh get some money from that and then by with that money we start like buying things that surround like dating so uh you know eggy like boulder brand condoms uh boulder we branch out to boulder restaurants boulder alcohol boulder viagra so we can corner the elderly crowd and then eventually we have some kind of 1984 economy where we control sex and therefore control most of the stuff and

then the dating app drives demand for these other products which means growth which means mullah right okay so there yeah we're all on board phase two right we've made that's phase one that's phase one phase two we've made us we've still got to kill the man don't we okay sure now we've reached global domination everyone knows that

bold is being being bold is being important because we've made an app about it so no one will touch Jeff Bezos we know we know

go on Jamie you've got this know, we know. Go on, Jamie, you've got this. What do we know, Jamie? We know that Mr. Bezos likes to fuck. This is quite well documented. Have you read the headlines, boys? I've not. I've sort of... Well, not those ones.

I've glanced them. No, there are nudes out there of Mr. Bezos somewhere my goodness so therefore yeah yeah you get where I'm going

with this we're gonna honey trap Mr. Bezos because of course he'll use the app you know so we've got him on the app

we've snuck the money into his portfolio we've snuck Boulder into app. We've snuck the money into his portfolio. We've snuck Boulder into his portfolio. He's on there. We mess around with the algorithm a bit. We manage to get one of us to go on a date with him.

Now, do we play the long con or do we get over and done with then? I'd like to think we play the long con. A bit like a well-known film called dumb and dumber too now guy i don't know if you still have that novichok that you uh snuggled in your bum i've always got a little exes novichok okay well my plan is we we slowly we slowly uh sprinkle a little bit in his food or you know whatever each day until he gets sick and sick but we've developed a loving nurturing relationship with him importantly we have to think about where we're gonna do this because if we're doing this maybe we should i was saying we should do it on like a yacht or you know

go on a cruise a couple's cruise with Mr Bezos because international waters no tax laws no tax laws inheritance is ours

mmm baby that's it okay thank you Jamie that's alright a lot to pick through here I just want to I just want to

congratulate you this is again this is separate from the pitch but I think I've reached out to Matthew Broderick it's a no

it's like one of the funniest just sentences or turns of phrase I've heard in my life it's not just unique to your pitch. Like you can put that anywhere. It's so fucking funny.

Thank you very much. I mean, here's the thing about your pitch, Jamie. Here it is for me. I was surprised at every turn of it. Right from the outset. Your your initial question was what is the one constant in nature or among living things and i i would have bet good money you were going to say water but you didn't you said being horny yeah everyone is horny and um it's true i mean it's it's a strong opener and it's a strong angle people are horny wealthy people we assume are horny as bald people are horny is billy corgan the guy

that we want to promote is the sort of apex man there's a specific there's a specific uh screenshot uh i don't know if you there's what if you're googling billy corgan okay just give me the search terms we'll bring it up what are we looking for billy corgan if you go on images there's one of him with like makeup under his eyes and a white v on his head um oh circa top right maybe uh okay i don't know if anyone else can see that oh yes okay Oh, circa... Top right, maybe? Okay. I don't know if anyone else can see that. Oh, yes, okay. Yeah.

So, I think we have Broderick on the left. Okay. Corcoran on the right. Whoever you haven't asked. And this is important as well. What picture of Matthew Broderick, which era are we going to put? He's still got a full head of hair.

I saw a photo of him recently. Oh, so we could pick totally any photo from okay i'm interested so i know that um bald people get horny i know that wealthy people get horny i mean we all get horny jamie you've really been banging that drum how do we guarantee like the ultra wealthy i assume want to thin out the pool from which they're selecting they want to refine it is this boulder app is this is there like is it open to everyone and if it is how do we ensure that we get jeff on the service because i'm assuming celebrates bald i know but if it's an app for everyone i feel like jeff will turn his nose up at it mothoth to the flame. Mr Montgomery, with all due respect, there's no question that Jeff is not getting on that aft, is there?

What? This is a question I'm asking you. You're just telling me it's not a question. Yeah, so respect it. He said with all due respect right up top. Respect the answer, man. Someone says with all due respect. You know they're about to disrespect you.

There was a thought that maybe we create a tear kind of. Yeah, so I understand there's a dating app called Raya, which is for famous and wealthy people. So there's an inside of Boulder, there's a tiered layer to the app, which is where we'd run into your Jeff Bezos. So there's a billionaire, there's a millionaire, billionaire, and then there's a trillion oh wow and you want to be the first trillionaire yeah it's like a video game where you unlock progress and you can't like yeah yeah but you've got to imagine first trillionaire across the post would be pretty lonely in that tier because no but these motherfuckers they love a goal like that if they see it they'll they'll

like a rat going for the cheese they'll just position themselves to achieve that tier. What have I written here? Vertical integration. Here's my concern, Jamie. What if your plan is too successful? And in the brilliant app that you've released and all the associated products and merchandising opportunities, I believe you mentioned a restaurant chain.

What if that actually gets us across the trillion dollar line as the proprietors of the company rather than Jeff Bezos? Individually, you boys could kill me if I get there. I wouldn't mind it. All right, I've heard enough. You spoke about sneaking this um app into jeff's portfolio i assume jeff or some of his high-powered lawyers probably keep a pretty eagle eye on that portfolio how do you propose this great sneak well last time i heard tim's a

pretty you know cracks guy at the old javascript so i could learn so that's you doing that i could learn how's new zealand going by the way at the moment yeah yeah is this going to change the plan well no it's just last time i heard you you know the guy that owned the the supermarkets was uh was was in power wasn't he that right. Things have largely returned to normal. Yeah, yeah. If you follow the lamestream media, you'll discover that our country has pretty much moved on entirely from that little episode.

Yeah, yeah, that little episode while Guy was in Russia. Jamie, we'll ask the questions. Thanks very much. So I quite like this because I suspect this is already happening, but your rate of having one in three or one in four of these accounts just totally being a bot that is purchased by Nike, a beer company, whatever. It's just a good distillation of something that's probably already happening

to some complicated extent where they're buying like bot armies that are infiltrating and trying to change people's purchasing habits or whatnot. This is just like every fourth thing you see is just like, hey, have you smoked a cigarette today? You should. Lucky strike. Cigarettes are coming back. Jamie, I just need to get my head,

because there was a lot of information to process, and so I feel like some of the steps are still a little murky in my mind's eye. Bezos is on the app. The app is going well, like in terms of it's making a lot of money. We've snuck it into his portfolio. Bezos genuinely finds love through the app? It's going to be one of us, I'd have thought, you know. So Jeff Bezos falls in love with one of us.

Well, you know, otherwise how are we going to perform the honey trap? We've got to kill him, don't we? I've seen some of his partners and I know that he was married to a woman for a long time. I do wonder if we're the best people for the job. I look pretty good in drag. I don't doubt it, Jamie. Neither do I. And I actually think that all three of us would

bring a lot to our respective drag games. Well... Guy's got these incredible cheekbones, and can you imagine Guy Montgomery's legs in like a pencil skirt or something? Yes, in fashion. Now we're talking, Jamie. I do look good.

And flattery will get you everywhere. I have no further questions. And I actually think it's probably time that Tim and I break off and have a private conversation. So what we're going to do now is we'll mute both of your mics. And you will also not be able to hear us. You will be able to see us as we discuss the various merits of your ideas. And when we return, we will judge a winner whose idea will be progressing. So thank you both for your time.

We'll be with you shortly. Jamie's a fucking liability, man. Dude's a wild card. Absolutely. He has a raw charisma, which is undeniable but it's chaotic as hell i don't know if we've got strong enough hands to be able to handle a force like jamie two very different proposals stephanie's was it's just so streamlined. Like, it's concise. The elevator pitch is very efficient. Jamie's idea, it was a delight to chart the entirety of what he was suggesting.

But also, there's so much opportunity for distraction, to get waylaid for something to fall over. I mean, I'm immediately favoring Stephanie's just because it's, I mean, it's such a delightful twist. The thing with Jamie is his plan is either going to work really... Like anything in his life, I feel, it's going to go really well or catastrophically badly. But there's a part of me that thinks

that's just the kind of high-risk, high-reward approach that we need to take to the murdering of a trillion. Keep talking to me. Persuade me. I mean, I think I'm trying to persuade myself as well. I just think, you know, they say never... Jamie's bringing a lot to the table. Obviously, the guy can improvise. We need someone who is able to move and shift with the times.

Look, we're always going to encounter some um unforeseen difficulties yeah doesn't matter how good the plan is that we eventually go with we're going to need a smart executor absolutely but i think that what you know concerned there is that jamie might be bringing a similar energy that that we bring to the idea and what could be more powerful as less is more imagine how much more more is yeah but it's it's more of the same we need multiple prongs we need to have different strengths you know working on different parts of the plan i just think they say never to look a gift horse in the mouth stephanie's laid out a pretty diabolical and clear plan jamie for like

you know that's as much charisma and genuinely one of the funniest lines i've heard in a long time yeah but i just think it's it's a bit um swiss cheesy yeah it's a bit wayward okay no you're right well welcome back to the room stephan and Jamie. How are you guys feeling? Brilliant, yeah. Thanks. So nervous. Fair enough. Understandable. You both brought very strong and also stylistically different pitches to us,

and we thoroughly enjoyed both of them. Stephanie, the beauty of your plan lies in its simplicity and its diabolical turn. of your plan lies in its simplicity and its diabolical turn uh i can i can really you know there's not a lot of opportunity to run problems through it or poke holes in it jamie your plan was so beautiful and sprawling you exude a raw charisma that is an undeniable asset if we want to you know get on to seducing as it sounds we do in this instance, one of these billionaires and then slowly poisoning them with my reserve of Novichok. I currently have stashed up my anus. But as we both know, as we all know, there can only be one winner.

I'll hand over to Tim. We don't want to lead both of you down the gun path anymore than we need to. Our ultimate decision is that Stephanie's plan will be going forward. So, Jamie, I'm so sorry that you haven't progressed in this round. I am very nervous by your energy. I'm impressed by it. And I just can't help but think that you would be an enormous liability in the moment. I think what I was saying to Guy

and usually we don't sort of bring this up outside the confines of our muted conversation but you are an agent of chaos. You possess a lot of raw power and while I was toying with the idea

of really trying to convince Guy you'd be the way to go because I think you're a man who'd be able to improvise as things start not going our way. I could easily see you turning on Guy and myself and besting us. So, yeah, there it is.

Commiserations, Jamie. Do you have anything you'd like to say? Oh, well, it looks like I've got a lot of work to do, doesn't it, really? You'll be pursuing this plan alone? Oh, well, it looks like I've got a lot of work to do, doesn't it, really? You'll be pursuing this plan alone? I believe so, boys. Well, you know what?

Good on you. Well, I guess, unless the target's changed. It seems like it may have. I mean, we're on the inside. If I see a dating app called Boulder

or any variety of that sort of word, I will not be signing up for it. Meanwhile, Stephanie. But you don't have Matthew Buttrick. No, we don't. Neither do you. You told us.

Stephanie, our sincere congratulations to you. How does it feel? Wonderful. Although, you know, honestly, I was prepared to come in here and lose because the truth is in a world in which we are planning to comedically create and kill the world's first trillionaire, there are no losers. That's very true.

Well, there you go, Jamie. It's a beautiful sentiment. Still wrapping my head around that one. A man who's processing the idea of thought. I would like on behalf of Guy Montgomery and myself, Timbett, to thank the both of you for the time, intelligence and care that you've put into your plans and for spending your time with us today to

put yourself forward as a potential assassin on the record. Stephanie, we will see you in the winner's circle and how your pitch competes with the others, compares, competes. Jamie, love to meet you for a beer

next time we're in outside London. We're in roughly London. Yeah, thank you both so much and we'll see you online. Thank you so much. Bye.