The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV 9: Rose v Ollie

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

In our most recent, exciting episode of Killionaire TV - we’re looking at a plot involving none other than 2000’s sporting icon Lance ‘Livestrong’ Armstrong. It involves a pretty nifty plan matching his biking antics delivered by a man who reflexively defensive about the details. Meanwhile, Rose presents a compelling plan of mentorship, lotteries and… a hammer, I guess? Who will win? Who farted? Only one way to find out!Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.TWIOAT Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteGUY Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / WebsiteTIM Twitter / Instagram / Facebook / Website Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

He's Tim Batt, I'm Guy Montgomery, and this, well this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire, dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find one winner. Welcome to Killianere.

Hey everybody, guess what? Killianere. Again. Tim's back, Guy's back. More important ideas about how to get someone to a trillion dollars net wealth is back more murder plots are back yeah two people who aren't back because they're joining us for the first time are ollie and rose ollie hello hi tim and rose g'day g'day we're so honored to have you both here guys and we cannot wait to hear your respective ideas for how to treat some of society's elite our best and brightest to decide which of you will be pitching first i'm going to choose a i'm going to go back to numbers tim i'm going to choose a number between one and 100 and uh ollie you're going to guess what the number is and then rose you will guess and whoever's closest will get to choose the running order for today's pitches Ollie your guess

when you're ready 49 that's a great guess everyone's been guessing like 3 yeah 49 is the most appropriate guess it makes sense and Rose yours please 48

oh well you're not going to like this Ollie but you've been absolutely out thought And Rose, yours, please. 48. Oh, well, you're not going to like this, Ollie, but you've been absolutely out-thought, out-played, out-maneuvered, and out-done, you absolute fucking idiot. Rose, in a romp, you have beaten Ollie. I chose the number 24, so you can choose whether you'd like to pitch first or whether you'd like to hear Ollie. Oh, I'll go second. Let's see what Ollie's pitch is. That's great. I was going to pitch first or whether you'd like to hear Ollie. Oh, I'll go second.

Let's see what Ollie's pitch is. That's great. I was going to go first anyway. I like that. In which case, Rose, we are going to mute your microphone and we will hand the floor over to Ollie to run us through his exciting idea. Okay, well, thank you very much.

So my idea just, you know, at the start, it's slightly more focused on the killing of the trillionaire as opposed to getting them to it. Because the thing is, they're so close anyway, they'll probably get there by themselves, really. I'll allow it. Okay, so the first step, go on this really great indie website called Amazon and basically order a load of stuff that you could use to dress yourself up as an alien and film an incredibly convincing home film about how you live on Mercury and how you'd love to meet Jeffrey Bezos.

Mercury and how you'd love to meet Jeffrey Bezos. We sent rovers to the moon and Mars and stuff, but we haven't really focused on Mercury very much. So we don't really know anything about it. We don't know if there's any aliens there or not. And he'll be so easily convinced because, you know, massively, it'll be like, oh, I want to be the first to go to Mercury, not just Mars. Because if you said you were from Mars, you wouldn't be able to get away with that. You'd just go, oh no, Mars is like right next door, mate. We can see there's no life on there. So, obviously you go from Mercury a bit further away.

And you also need to make sure that you really want to meet Lance Armstrong. And be sure to give the impression that you're totally unaware of any of his controversies and the reason for this is because mercury do get a great signal of earth TV but it's about 15 years behind so basically we're thinking 2007 you know they're thinking he's a great champion and they also think that they met his uncle

This is you pretending to be the alien Thinking that you met his uncle back in 69 because they because they were just on like a little trip to our moon as like a little holiday for summer and They just happened to meet him. So they're like, oh, that's that guy's nephew. He's a great guy. So this will be the first contact with alien life. So Jeffrey will be right on that. And it will be like, oh, yeah, we'll do whatever the alien wants.

Won't even give it a second thought. Straight to Mercury guy. Eventually. Yeah. And so basically you'll be pouring all these resources into it and you'll get a combination of unwavering support from world governments and also amazon continuing continuing their current profit margins um and you know as they continue to absolutely kill it during the pandemic, no pun intended

they'll easily get over that trillion mark and then over the months you know to build a rocket I reckon it can't take more than a year you basically donate as much money as you can to the Livestrong charity

and you know as much as you can like mortgage houses sell your body as you can to the Livestrong charity. And, you know, as much as you can, like mortgage houses, sell your body if you have to. Just donate as much money as possible to the charity. And Lance will be so grateful that he'll want to get in direct contact with you. And basically and what you need to, the

importance of this is, is that you need to communicate to Lance that he needs to bring some of his own fuel on the mission with him you've donated so much money to him he's like oh this this guy's a decent bloke he must be it must be you know trying to help me out here so obviously do it and they'll bring a fridge full of oxygenated fuel on the mission with him you know obviously you know with a mission like this, infinite number of risks right from the beginning. So chances are

Jeffrey could just be dead on takeoff. But let's assume they make it into space. Yeah. It gets to launch day and Lance has brought his fridge full of oxygenated fuel. And Jeffrey greets him

you know as if one would someone who's brought a bottle of wine to a dinner party oh that's so kind of you Lance can you just put it over there please so they're closing on a mercury and they need to make one last refill on the fuel and Lance is a bit you know he's a bit disappointed this point he's like oh we haven't used any of my fuel yet can we can use a bit of my fuel and Jeff is our go on them with that puts on that winning smile he has you know stick it in there that famous smile and it's great smile the laugh as well to go with it I reckon as he's a class on. The laugh as well, to go with it, I reckon.

He's a classic. And so basically this oxygenated fuel causes the ship to go much faster than they had calculated. At this point the ship's too fast to control, and it just goes right past Mercury and straight into the sun. And it's almost sort of poetic if you, you know, see acquiring a trillion dollars as flying too close to the sun. Nice. Then you could lose it, you fly into the sun. Not at all inspired by Eternals. And that is my pitch.

Fantastic. Thank you very much, Oli. That's great. A little bit to... A couple of questions from us. Yeah, to get through here. Rose is impressed. That's very polite, Rose. We are also. First of all,

I'd like to commend you on bringing the Livestrong charity back front and centre. It's been a dormant few years for Livestrong. I remember at high school, a lot of people were wearing those yellow wristbands that said Livestrong, and I never got one.

I always thought, man, they look so good. No egg on your face now. Yeah, they're for a worthy cause too. And it's just, it's so hyper-specific. It's nice to hear about Lance, you know, getting to be celebrated for the man we thought he was. The man they still think he is on Mercury, of course. Yes.

So Lance is not in on it. One of the big issues I have with the plan here is that Lance is bringing, what did you call it, oxygenated fuel? Oxygenated fuel. Yeah. So does Lance know what will happen if he uses the oxygenated fuel on the spacecraft? No, because he's a cyclist, isn't he? He's not a rocket scientist.

So why is he so insistent on bringing oxygenated fuel? He wants to be a part of it. He wants to be involved. Because you've donated so much money to Livestrong that he feels obliged to go with it. Because you've suggested it to him to bring the fuel, so he feels obliged to go with. Because you've suggested it to him to bring the fuel, so he feels obliged to take it. I just, I mean, I love that Lance Armstrong's here, but I sort of am having trouble getting past it.

Why is Lance Armstrong enacting so much of this stuff? It was just an idea from like, oh yeah, oxygenated fuel, that'll make the ship go too fast. So in a similar vein to oxygenated blood making you go faster in cycling. Yes, absolutely. That works for me. You've turned all these metaphors into a very literal plan. I've only got one question.

Lance and Neil, are they actually uncle and nephew? I don't think so. No, I'm pretty sure they're not. We would know. They aren't. Unless they're hiding something. That goes to show how vulnerable we are to misinformation. Another one I've got for you, Ollie, before we move on to Rose's pitch is Mercury is, you know,

I like you dismissing Mars out of hand saying, we know there's no one there. It's our neighbor, mate. Get over it, whatever. I like that you think a rocket of hand saying, we know there's no one there, it's our neighbor, mate, get over it, whatever. I like that you think a rocket takes about a year to build. Mercury is, in and of itself, like that is a suicide mission. Mercury is famously, like unspeakably hot, with temperatures almost hitting 500 degrees Celsius. Why don't we just, like, if they're convinced it is a good idea to go there,

why don't we just let them glide straight into Mercury? Well, good point. But, you know, I would say Mercury whilst being hot. Like, I think, you know, within a year, they could probably design a spaceship that could probably withstand it. Exactly. How long is it? Is there any space stuff that takes longer

than roughly a year by your estimation? No, I don't reckon. So, yeah, they'll just fly straight past it into the sun and nothing's able to withstand the heat of the sun on direct contact. They've got it like... So you're just making absolutely sure here. They've got it heat-proofed to about 600 degrees Celsius, but no one's prepared to travel into the sun.

They've done their homework. They've done their homework for Mercury. They have not done their homework for our local star. Look, I mean, lots to like. I'm a big fan of the plan, Ollie, and I don't have any further questions. So I think we're going to put you on hold now and we're going to hear from Rose. This guy is not fucking around. Absolutely not.

Rose, welcome to the factory floor. How are you? I'm very well. And thank you for giving us all this opportunity. We love to hear that. We love a thank us all this opportunity. We love to hear that. We love a thank you for this opportunity. Only the greats seize these opportunities, Rose. And here is your opportunity to seize yours.

Please tell us about your plan. Basically, it's a lottery, a mentor lottery. lottery, a mentor lottery. And with the help of my computer friends designing an app that initially you can only buy it three times. It's an application to become an apprentice to a whole slew of mentors, certainly the Killianaires, but to sell it. I thought I'd line up some people that would appeal to a diverse range of whether you're a science geek or a young artist or a musician and line up some people you think, yeah, I'd really like to spend some time with them. And so fashion an easy entry sweepstakes that the mentors don't have to vet.

Because with the $5 entry fee, I'm hoping a worldwide response. They're certainly not vetting my little questionnaire. they're certainly not vetting my little questionnaire however random selection it boils down to five groups of five and however many mentors initially I just thought maybe the three billionaires but then I thought well it could be other mentors as well that you get to spend time with so kind of a I guess a charlie in be other mentors as well that you get to spend time with. So kind of a, I guess, a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of idea. You get to spend time with the bigwigs. And there the fun begins because then you start to, they look at how you've responded to the questionnaire.

And the questionnaire I fashioned fashioned big, broad-stroke questions. Number one, how would you help an immediate friend or family member? Number two, how would you help your community? Escalating to how would you help your country, to how would you help the world? And then just at the end, how would you help or improve yourself? I like this line of questioning. Yeah.

So just to kind of take a little bit of the monetary edge off of it because by the time these guys reach this level in their life, they want to be seen to be a little bit more compassionate or helping out. So by flattery and through the sweepstakes, hopefully they would all come on board and welcome having five strangers in their midst. And I picked a duration, maybe five days could be tolerable. They have to work with you to try and make this, answer these questions, I guess. And just by familiarity, and we boil it down to ultimate winners. So those, say those first three teams of five,

each billionaire picks their favorite and I'm not too sure about the next bit. I thought out of those three winners, maybe the other two should get a turn with the other billionaires. Yeah, say everyone's mixing and mingling. But ultimately

there's one winner and they get to pick who they do their time with. So there's a little bit more concrete pursuit of helping the world, your friends and yourself somehow. I was wondering how many hours you might spend and what the circumstances of those are, whether you're sort of at a desk or you're in the passenger seat driving alongside the billionaire for a couple of days, there would be opportunities

for murder. Whether it's something as basic as a ball and pin hammer when they weren't looking, just in the back of the skull. Classic. Or the back of the knees. I've been watching a lot of action movies lately but bow and pin hammer scene or a fire hydrant fire hydrants are sort of handy that's a good weight

so just just by familiarity really um access very close proximity a hit in the head repeatedly somehow disabled them so that's me so rose quick question how how does this get to someone over the trillion dollar line this this whole competition well i yeah not too sure about my math there but i thought with the world's population that have access to um uh a modern phone if not the competition could open up to community centers so by sheer volume entry and oh you're buying tickets because it's a lottery of course yeah yeah that's it so you're buying tickets online that are processed online how much are we we thinking? It's $5. Oh, I'm sorry, I missed that bit. Yeah, $5. It's $5 and it's open to everyone.

How are you going to get the Killianaires, as you described them, to volunteer their time and energy? You're assuming that the philanthropic nature of the sweepstakes and their offering to be a mentor will be enough to convince them to take part? Yeah. And just rubbing shoulders with the right people

through media platforms here in New Zealand and just escalating it on social media sites. Either they would optimistically respond by shutting it down or saying, no, I don't know anything about this or some other pundit or media site would be lucky enough to um entice them that carrot on the stick my second question is actually for guy uh midway through the pitch you sort of shifted in your seat a lot and it made a sound. And I wanted to ask you directly if you farted or if it was the chair. Oh, I didn't fart. And you'd know if I did.

I mean, if you didn't smell it, I'd tell you. I'd say I farted. You would say that in the middle of a pitch, though? I wouldn't. I would fart in the middle of a pitch. I wouldn't announce it. I would tell you after the fact, I'd say, by the way. So like now.

You would tell me now. If I had farted. The floor is open for you to tell me. I would tell you. If I had farted, I would tell you after the fact i'd say by the way so like now you would tell me now if i had the floor is open for you to tell me i would tell you if i had farted i would tell you i farted now so do you want to tell me anything no because i have nothing to tell you cheers make funny noises when you move you shifted in your seat yeah i shifted in my seat i was trying to become comfortable you buying this rose i i was at an important pitch meeting and there was no hiding the fact that the guy had farted he actually leaned off and it had audio and he carried on

How did it go for that person who was doing the business pitch? We didn't work with him that sealed the deal, it wasn't a great idea to begin with. A lot of us were trying not to laugh. I left the room because I couldn't suppress my laughter. But no, in his defense, it wasn't a great pitch anyway. Well, I have no further questions for either rose or ollie so what we're going to do now guys is we're going to mute your microphones we will also mute ourselves from

you you won't hear what we're saying but we're going to discuss the merits of both of your ideas and then when we return we will announce our winner who will be advancing to the winner's good luck to you both during this exciting conversation we're about to have thank you to you both during this exciting conversation we're about to have thank you of course i didn't fart i just it kind of felt like you did there's a lot of shifting no i was having a back issue okay i understand it because we can't really lean are you having this thing where you can't lean back? Yeah. Yeah, me too because I have everything set up.

So here's what I've got. Big picture, I like Rose's idea. I like the sweepstakes. I like the mentorship component. You know what I don't like? The math. How many people on earth, Guy? Three billion?

No. People take? It's like eight billion, I think. Oh, man. Okay. Well, even so, let's call it eight times five. That's $40 billion. Yeah.

Our closest billionaires are a lot more than $40 billion off becoming a trillionaire. Yeah. And despite the fact that Ollie was totally hands-off, I mean, he's sort of right. Well, the thing is... Which applies to both of them, in that these billionaires are going to get there before too long anyway. Yeah, he was.

And his idea, I mean, I like the dressing up like an alien. I like using Amazon. To me, that's grassroots fundraising, is it's using the materials that are provided to you to help put money into these guys' pockets. I mean, I think both plans have uh what i would describe as batshit insane components yeah yeah yeah i and that works for and against them but my

my instinct and my gut is telling me that um the space race is where bezos's interest in heart lies and while i'm not sure that someone is intelligent i'm assuming intelligent enough to be trying to get into space would would just go to mercury no questions asked i think there are details i think we can work with the the bones of a really good scheme i and i just love the introduction of like peak lance like 2007 era, still the people's champion Lance Armstrong. I mean, it feels needless. You queried him on it and I don't know if the answer was super satisfactory, but

it's a satisfactory thing to be part of the plan. Yeah. For no other reason than nostalgia. So I think we've got a pretty clear decision here. I'm going to let you do this one. Okay, Ollie and Rose, can you hear me? Yeah.

We have just engaged in an open-minded, open-hearted, and spirited conversation in which we assess the merits of both of your ideas, and we agree that they both have tremendous merits. Rose, the sort of philanthropic nature of your sweepstakes, getting everyone involved, that's very exciting to us. We did find an issue with respect to the finances in that there's 7.753 billion people on earth, and even if 3 billion of those sign up at $5 each,

that's only $15 billion. And the shortcoming between that and getting one of these guys to a trillion dollars is still's still quite significant ollie you on the other hand suggested that hold on do you want to let rose respond to that real quick yeah fair fair comment because i was thinking of um how do i calculate that fairly you know you said three billion the whole planet isn't going to respond and some people gonna i i had no i could i couldn't figure out a way to do it and i wanted to make it i didn't want to make it free but i didn't want to make it 50 bucks yes no but you don't want to make it prohibitive no yeah yeah i think your price point is actually about right. I love the price point, yeah.

And sorry, to Ollie now. So Ollie, you trust that if these financial maniacs, these greedy, ultra-wealthy people are left to their own devices, they'll cross that threshold anyway. It's not the most creative solution to getting them to a trillion dollars, but it's hard to disagree.

We agree that you have the bones of a very sound idea. Jeff Bezos is obsessed with space. We can play into that. We can sort of gently— Lance Armstrong's not up to a lot at the moment. We can massage his ego. We can get him involved easily. And for that reason, we are going to be ollie's idea today uh he's obviously very

happy about that that's the most visceral response i think i've seen to a successful pitch so far so it's very sweet uh rose we'd love to thank you for your time and your fantastic idea is there anything you'd like to say oh just just thanks for giving me something more fun to do that was that was it's been good. What could be more fun than plotting to kill a bunch of rich men? Yeah. I know, it's not something that's generally encouraged in the schoolroom, so it's kind of fun, yeah.

No. And Ollie, is there anything you'd like to say as you enjoy the taste of victory? I'd like to thank rose for a great competitor you know it is uh i i do feel slightly guilty because when i was writing out my pitch i just went straight to the bit i was excited about which was the killing part and kind of forgot about the raising the money part and tried to cover that later. But, you know, at the end of the day, I think it is a solid idea. I think we can go forward with this and build on it. And, you know, he's also going to be...

I know I'm not still pitching, but... It feels like you are. He will also be liquidizing... If he liquidizes a lot of his assets as well to get to space, then purely just like on the numerical market, he will get over that trillion. Yeah.

Look, I mean, Oli, we're with you. And it's not really up to us anymore. It is up to those who will be... Sorry, I just... I got defensive that's my bad you I heard criticism I went under defense I'm very sorry

enjoy the feeling we'll turn over your idea to the good people of the internet and the winners circle and they will be deciding which ideas will advance even further thank you both so much for your time have a wonderful day and we will be deciding which ideas will advance even further. Thank you both so much for your time.

Have a wonderful day, and we will see you when we see you. Probably in court. Yeah. Thank you.