The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV: Fin

Episode Date: November 20, 2022

Patricia, Ben and Joe have been selected by you: The sole, libertarian listener of TWIOAT to go head-to-head-to-head; Facing off in five rounds of intellect, creativity and righteousness to be crowned the champion of Killionaire TV. There can be only one. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, single libertarian listener, and welcome to the final finale final of the winner's circle of Killionaire TV. My name is Tim Batt. And my name is Guy Montgomery. It's been a long and winding road to make it here, An anonymous basement in which we cannot reveal the location, time. We're at my house. Yeah, we're at Nate Tate's house. And it's 8 a.m. right now.

Okay. And we are joined by our final whittle down three from a process that has taken days and weeks and months of plotting and planning and scheming and enterprising how we will turn a billionaire into a trillionaire and a trillionaire into a dead person, Guy Montgomery. I just wanted to say conniving as well. For me, the conniving is one of the most vital parts of plotting a murder. And I've never plotted a murder to completion. But certainly if you come around to my house, there's a lot of string. There's a lot of bits of paper on walls.

There's a lot of photos cut out for magazines. And it's the conniving for me which really makes a difference. Today we are joined by our finalists, Patricia, Ben and Joe. Joe, how are you? I'm very well, thank you. How are you, Tim? I'm very well, thank you. Fans will remember that Joe's plot centered around training some

monkeys in the Amazon and transforming the lungs of the earth into a new beautiful capitalist landscape and also to boot invented a new word which is a unit of trained monkeys it's called a rainbow which I really liked

how have you been in the intervening months joe i've been very well thank you it's uh i've traveled from nottingham to dorset i've started a new job it's been a lot but throughout it all i've had killian air on the mind i've been you know watching planning plotting been in you know, this whole presidential change in Brazil. It's got a little problem, but we'll work around it. We'll keep it going. Claire's still eager to go. Yeah, I'm good.

It's a good point. Bolsonaro was probably more on board than Lulu, right? Yeah, yeah. But we're working around it. We've got some things on the burn. Yeah, good? Yeah, yeah. But we're working around it. We've got some things on the burn. Yeah, good on you, Joe. You've got to keep moving with the flow of life, don't you? And Ben, how might you be?

I'm also good. Last time I had COVID while we recorded, and I don't now, so that's good. It's a market improvement. My wife and I adopted a dog, so that's good it's market improvement we my wife and i adopted a dog so that's always good and i stopped listening to uh any amount of news at all wow which is also good i mean that's almost you know that's an oral equivalent of moving from nottingham to dorset in terms of a life change there i huge so what do you know what's the latest thing you heard that's going on in the world?

Twitter. Yeah, still there. But only because I have some friends that work there that they don't anymore. But they did. Oh, my. Yeah. Well, I mean, the guy who bought Twitter is probably a name that will come of a conversation, incidentally, today.

The great Elon Musk, a close personal friend of mine. Congratulations on beating COVID and also the dog. Yeah, tell us about the dog, Ben. I want to hear about the dog. He's a cute little boy. He came with the name Yeti, and that's a great name. He's 160 pounds and still growing. Dang.

That's about 72-ish kilograms. Hey, I really respect the conversion. Do you know that off the top of your head, or did you know you were talking to a couple of New Zealanders? A little bit of both. I have some English friends here, and I never know what units they prefer. The English do flip-flop.

We're metric system down the line every time yeah you guys have a big boner for imperial and the british are like oh we're civilized but we still want to say a foot because it's fun yeah it does sound good we're easy stone is fun stone is fun to say stone makes no sense what is this stone like it doesn't make sense what's a stone joe how long is a piece of stone you don't know you just don't know no i think it's stone head we simply don't have time for this patricia it's so nice to see you how are you doing i'm doing well thank you nice to see you guys you guys too. Just very quickly about Ben's dog. 72 kilos.

That means that your dog weighs more than I do. Yeah, he weighs more than most of my adult male friends. That's crazy. That's really great. He'll probably top out at a little bit more. We've noticed him. We got him in May and it's November, and he's noticeably bigger. Is it possible that he's been adopted out by his parent, Clifford? He's not red.

The big red dog. That bomb. He's not red. He's not trying to rescue it. Yeah, but he's still growing. Nearly all dogs at least have the bloody, you know, the wherewithal to stop growing at some point. Not this guy.

I think he might've been cursed by a witch. He's a man. Huh? That's amazing. Back to how Patricia is going. Not at all. Very generous of you to share the spotlight with Yeti. I just wanted to hear more about the dog, but no, I'm doing really well.

Thank you. How are you guys? well we're in a basement right now it's fine it's pretty dank I'm sort of anticipating a spider crawling across the back of my neck at any point Tim's calling it dank it's kind of refreshingly dry

and there's insulation less than probably 40 centimetres above the head. It means that we're breathing in all sorts of powerful stuff to strengthen the lungs. I'm going to say that I've been doing the opposite of what Ben has been doing. I've been watching the news like absolutely pedantically instead of like the total kind of chaos that we seem to be heading towards.

So to do that in like a control type of manner. And it's just thinking like the basement looks a lot like how I presume that we'll all be living in like a future kind of nuclear Holocaust. So, but besides that, well, everything's great. It's funny.

You should bring that up, Patricia, because between your respective plots and the conception of the very idea of killian air we do have some power to stand in the way of the impending nuclear holocaust um the three of you have already put forward some incredible concepts uh ways by which we can intercept some of the ultra wealthy and eliminate and distribute their funds. And the strength of these pitches is what has brought us all here today. But we've basically devised a series of rounds to just help deduce,

like lateral thinking puzzles, I suppose, in some ways, just to see the different parts of your brains firing and really get to the bottom of which of these concepts we would like to pursue. And so this is one of the most important missions that anyone has on Earth right now. And in fact, it's arguable that it's number one priority for the human race, what we're currently engaged in. And so we have deduced some, as guys mentioned, rounds to test your mental strength. And there can be only one winner. And we will now head into the first round,

the round of creativity. We have asked you to prepare a little homework for this first round, contestants. And that is to write your own acrostic poem it's quite a challenging challenge built around the word calionia patricia i'm going to ask you to please go first for a poetry reading of what you've come up absolutely um i have to look at my just in my notes app where i wrote it certainly write that down tim yeah pathetic i. Pathetic. I was uncertain. Yeah. If I only had more time. I was also a little unsure about these poems.

So I hope it's okay that each of the letters has a sentence as opposed to a single word per row. Sounds good. The brief is creativity. This sounds incredibly creative. Okay. Well, all right. So, Trillionaire brethren,

I've seen your good fight, leading pasty young trillionaires laudably into light. I wish you each crowns on your weary heads. Now rest, sweet champions, as our enemies dead. I thank you too,

Sir Tim and Sir Guy, rousers of all that is good. Even though this championship comes to an end, a monument remains where you stood. And I also saw having the last sentence be, you a monument of blood but i thought the other one had like a nicer and like more familial well yeah that's my comp it's one of those things where you

you you know and so you know the author knowing is is enough to to not explicitly state it because when when you release a piece of art like that into the world it's actually no longer yours it belongs to the consumer and what you've just penned is actually phenomenally poetic i mean you know acrostic poems for me are like good uncle yes guy you've um you've introduced one of the most important concepts in poetry which is rhyming every other word. And it is shocking how many poets forget that as a central tenet of poetry. It's nice to see a little bit of extra homework. Thanks.

Patricia, that was phenomenal. Yeah, that was great. We're going to move swiftly along, and I want to hear Ben's poem next. I went with the guy route. Fucked up. All right, let's fucking hear it. Killing isn't legal, lest infamous opulent nerds, and it's really earned. Oh, can we hear it again, please? Sure.

I tried to summarize sort of what we're doing here. Yeah. Killing isn't't legal lest infamous opulent nerds and it's really earned i see so the turn is on lever as it's on lest because it's like you know you can't do this except in this circumstance and this is the very circumstance in which we find ourselves i think you've undersold your work there ben i think that was very creative very clever. It had a good rhythm to it.

It almost felt like a haiku, the way it was delivered. It's the sort of poem, if you gave that homework to a schoolchild and they brought it out and you'd say, I mean, they're clearly very intelligent, but also perhaps a sociopath. And that's a pretty high bar to clear. That's the brief. That's the brief here. Thanks.

Joe, give us your beautiful work. Okay, I've added to the acrostic-ness of the brief. So this is from the perspective of Elon Musk being handed a tea. It's not up to par. Kindness as a virtue is the one thing I can't afford. I'd pay someone to explain, but I don't want to be bored. Listen, I'm just a rich guy trying to get it done. Look at me by Twitter. Watch as I disown my son. I'll try to convince you I'm humanity's saviour, or the opposite with my misanthropic behaviour. Now bask in the budget I set aside for good PR, and call

me a legend when I strap a rocket to my car. I did all this off my own back, without a handout. Reading facts won't be heard as my fanboys shout. Elon is hilarious, and he understands my strife. Please, Elon, take my money. Elon, fuck my wife. Owning free speech is what gets my dick hard. Don't use it against me, or best be on your guard.

Cunt, I'll smear you harder than that i did that cave diver and automate your career like i did a truck driver so if you can you poor idiotic cock tell me why my tea tastes like novichok gee whiz and i was killing a podcast oh i was wondering because you did killian here and then i was like, and now you've just written this verse. We're in free association mode now. Wow. That was really good. Those were all equally impressive and a beautiful insight.

They weren't equally impressive because someone won the round. They were equally impressive. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. We will be judging these and ranking them according to how impressive they were. But before we do that, a little bit of commentary in color on Joe's. I mean, you did it all. Absolutely not. We will be judging these and ranking them according to how impressive they were. But before we do that, a little bit of commentary in color on Joe's. I mean, you did it all.

You took the sort of narrative device of giving us the first person perspective of the protagonist of the poem. It rhymed crucially. Sounds like Tim wants to fuck your poem, Joe. And it was acrostic. My favorite line, watch me as I try to disown my son. It's a fun thing to invite people to watch. Yeah, I suppose. Gather round, everybody. I'm getting rid of a family member.

Elon would do it. In that poem, were you playing the character of the person who delivered the tea? I was channeling my Elon there. You were performing as Elon? yeah by the end is he's asking why does his tea taste like novichok who's done that he's drinking the tea elon's drinking the tea yeah but who's putting how hard is this who's putting novichok in his tea oh how hard is that it could be any of the the people he's annoyed previously in the oh wow it's a long list it's

it's up to the listener to decide that you know i'm just giving you the ingredients to to trisha's putting on a coat looks like it's getting cold and cold in not at all as the plans get more and more intense you all better put on on another layer because it's going to be bone chilling in here. All right. Time for us to rank the winners or the winner of this round. And we're not going to do what we did previously, which was mute ourselves. We're going to discuss openly. You need to have a thick hide to make it in the murdering trillionaire game.

It's part of it now because it's the finale. My vote is for Joe to win. Yeah. And I think that I would like Patricia to come second and Ben to come third. You know what? And this isn't a slight on you, Ben, or you, Patricia, but I totally agree. Okay, I'm going to write. Congratulations, mainly to Joe.

While Tim takes notes based around the scoring of the poetry, I'd like to introduce our next round, which is that of business ethics. Now, obviously, you know, you've all got your ideas and you've put forward, you know, your best foot and your best plot for your selected aspiring trillionaires. In this round, each of you will be asked a hypothetical situation in which, if you can imagine this, your plan is about to come to fruition. You are but moments away from executing the trillionaire of your choice. And in this hypothetical circumstance, it requires one last sit-down meal between you and your chosen trillionaire. So you're having a sit-down meal, if you can imagine this. And Elon, Jeff, Zach, whoever it is, they look up and they say,

I know what you're doing say I know what you're doing I know what you're doing and I'm in a position to stop it right now but I will offer you 10 billion dollars to stand up walk away

we'll pretend this whole thing didn't happen so 10 billion dollars is put on the table for you to walk away they've threatened that your entire plot will be upended

we want to know how you respond to this circumstance how are your business ethics we'll now run in reverse order so Joe you may begin I mean the question is

what would you do I feel like you missed that you sort of set up a whole what would you do it's pretty straightforward I don't know if it was you're going to assume a little bit of intelligence on their behalf Tim you're going to stop spoon feeding these guys

what would you do I'd take the money and I'd find out where the rat in my plan was so where is Jeff learning about my plan who's feeding him the information i then give that person a little bit that money get someone new in that position and then we're back on we're back on and i've got a bigger wallet i've got a nice like i don't need a cut at the end now i've got a good bit of money to myself oh wow so this is totally packed you know you're just you're rich but you're still committed

i'm rich but commit yeah yeah you're in your world it almost seems like um jeff is funding you to continue the pursuit of murdering him Jeff is funding you to continue the pursuit of murdering him. Yeah, I think that's why I carry on. Like, I could take the money, but just the mere thought that Jeff could be, you know, using me to kill himself, as dark as that is, oh, what a good way to get rich.

Good. It's like the ultimate um you know uh it's like blood sport or whatever you know how you know there's i think there's an idea with trillionaires or billionaires they're like the hunt hunt hunting people for sport the purge yeah maybe the purge yeah there's a bit of that to it but it's reversed it's a level of confidence which says, you hunt me. Let's see how you get on. Ben, what would you do? So I have the luxury. My plan involves multiple of these guys. So part of me wants to just, unless it was Elon, just swap them out.

Just take the money and sub in number eight or whoever. In fact, if it's Zuckerberg, he's not even in the top group anymore. He's trash to me. I don't want his measly billions. So I don't think he's got 10 to give me. And I would say that. He'd be devastated by that. So you're at dinner with Mark Zuckerberg. He said, give me $10 billion not to murder me.

And you say? I'd say, show me the money. Then he'd probably cry, if he can. And then he'd leave. And I'd eat his food, too, because he's very thin. And I don't think he enjoys food. I think he just eats pills. He's a soy-linked guy.

If it's Elon Musk, I couldn't make the deal. That guy's just like, he grinds my gears. But anybody else, I'll just swap them out. Elon's got toylent guy. If it's Elon Musk, I couldn't make the deal. That guy's just like, he grinds my gears. But anybody else, I'll just swap him out. Elon's got to go, though. Okay, that's interesting. So if we had anyone else, a Billy Gates, Jeffy Bezos, one of the Larrys. Bernard Arnault. But if it's Elon Musk You've got such a

A chub for murdering that guy That you could not do it Even for 10 billion dollars You just have to He's just so You guys You're friends with him guy Yeah

Guy gets it He's irritating But you can just go home You don't need to hang out With him the whole night So if he offered you 10 billion dollars i like this that would accelerate your desire to eliminate this guy he's like i'll give you 10 million dollars you shut the fuck up when he's got that much and he's like my life is worth just a small amount of my own money

that's disgusting you're also manipulating the charts by taking the 10 bill off them and as you say like mark at the moment he's he's not doing well by taking the 10 bill off them and as you say like mark at the moment he's he's not doing well if you took 10 bill off him i think there might be the the last pennies to his name you could take 10 billion off elon go line zuckerberg's pockets and take out both of them i mean i know he needs more than 10 bill to make it to a trillion well this is okay this is good intel and patricia you're at dinner with a billionaire they offer you 10 of the bees to not kill them what do you do well it's zuck right because he was the one i initially decided to kill but to be honest like

i don't feel a huge amount of animosity towards him particularly and i've been in quite a lot of conversations with various Amazon sellers for various objects that haven't arrived or arrived in a different material to what they were meant to be. And so I have an increasing amount of like Amazon boxes of things I don't want. And I've started to feel really like quite furious about it. And Bezos is, in my opinion, like the least fuckable or interesting of all of these guys. And so like I have kind of what i would do is that i would take the money and i'd let zuck do what he wants and then i would use that money to build a kind of saw style labyrinth like the movie saw and i would like then trap besos inside of it it would

be made entirely of amazon boxes exclusively um and then i would just put a camera up and i would do like a pay-per-view thing and let people just watch as he descends further and further into this hellraiser labyrinth of his own making that's what i would do oh my i think oh my gosh that is um impressively demented yeah well i would say i would say that yeah but i would say though having listened to all the other competitors that ben said that we should sew them together anus to mouth like in yeah yeah which is truly shocking yeah you know so you will know it's very true what his plan was we know we were there yeah it's um there's something uniquely terrifying about building a labyrinth out of cardboard boxes

because in theory, you'd be, you know, a cardboard box, you feel like you could kind of punch your way through or something. But if there was enough of them in there, you couldn't. They would be strong enough to sustain an attack. You'd get tired and they'd start paper cutting. There's also something to me, the reference for Saw has more power than the human centipede just because I saw it as a much younger and more impressionable person.

I think I'd become quite jaded by the time I saw the human. It was more of a sort of curious monstrosity. But Saw was a genuinely confronting cinema-going experience and it holds a lot of water for me. These are all delightfully diabolical and as we've planned, I'm going to say they're all equally impressive. And Tim's going to say that's not the case. We're going to rank them. These are all equally impressive plans.

Do you want to kick off the ranking conversation? Yeah, I do, actually. And I think I've got my order figured out. Can you tell me what your order is? Well, I think for all of, you know, are there any moral question marks in this podcast? Who's to say? But I think Patricia's plan is phenomenally vindictive. And also she's got-

And it's so petty is what I like about it. It's just like I got sent some wrong stuff from Amazon. So now I want to trap the CEO in a lab room. That's right. And she's giving back in that if people so choose, they can watch. So I think that to me was the number one. Yeah, I agree. And then I think, truth be told, I quite liked Ben's plan.

Where Ben really got me was when he said if Elon did it, he would still kill Elon. He's the only one who had the moral backbone to not even take the money up front, to just be like, nah, fuck you. I don't know if it was moral fortitude or just an inability to control his rage. I think it's born at the start of this. Ben said that a lot of his friends, Elon's been responsible for dismissing a lot of his friends from their work. I think there is a personal frustration and sense of wrongdoing

that he carries with him into that circumstance. Sure. And then Joe's I could probably relate to the most, which was basically just take the money and then go and enjoy life a bit and regroup. It's pretty smart too. Business ethics, I think it probably showed the least vertebrae. I don't agree with that.

I challenge that. Okay. I put Joe as number two on my ranking because it is, I mean, we have made it morally acceptable to murder someone based on how much money they have. So by that lens, I feel like Joe's robbing from Peter and then killing another Peter is so good. Robbing from Peter?

Like a billionaire, taking money from them, and then just using that to throw it back in their face and murder them. The same person? Yeah. It's good. Wow. He's just,

like, who knows what Jeff's got planned in the intervening moments. He could have fallen into the trap. I see what you're saying. Yeah. So you're putting too much stock in your ability to turn $10 billion

into a successful assassination. I know what you did. This guy's sniffing around for a rat. He's got leaks springing up in his plans. I'll find him. I'll find him. With $10 billion, you would find them. With $10 billion, you've got a pretty big bloody target on your back saying, hey, I'm in the running now.

Watch out. I'd give myself to millionaire status as quick as possible. It's so much resources. It's so much resource. It's so much resource. Are you going to relent? Am I going to relent? If neither of us will relent, what are we going to do? Then we've got two second place

equals. Oh, wow. So, in this round, Patricia, you have won. You've taken it out, and the lads are equal losers. Equals, peacles. Congratulations, Patricia. And of course, also to Joe and Ben. You guys are doing an outstanding job.

And it's really quite nice to just kick around in the weeds on this stuff with you. Now, the next challenge is a classic. If you've been in a car for any length of time, you've played this game. If you had a friend in school, you've played this game. And we've picked the top three most prominent names that occurred throughout the podcast. The challenge is Fuck, Marry, Kill.

The names Musk, Bezos, Zuck. And Ben, the honors are yours. I don't want to brag, but I have been in a car and I did have a friend in school. So I'm unfamiliar with the game. It was, sorry, it was Bezos, Musk, and Zuck. Oh, yeah. Okay. So I think we've established Musk's got to go right off the bat.

I don't even want to, not even spiteful fucking, just gone. Bezos, he's with all the steroids he's unstable but he'd be able to help with chores because he's strong presumably so i'm gonna i'd think i'd marry him and then zuck i just got to see what that's like what's going on there we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna fuck i imagine him like a um you know this is a maybe quite a lazy comparison, but there's a real Ken doll energy. Yeah. Smooth all the way around.

Not even a butt crack. He may want to bring VR into the equation. I don't know. I don't know what he's doing. I want to know what his nipples look like. He doesn't have them. He's smooth. I think he got everything surgically taken off.

Not even nipples. I think the whole thing is just one consistent like pale kind of it's it's a little bit cold to the touch too oh it's got a real block like a ziploc bag full of milk so the fact that everyone in the metaverse doesn't have legs and they're just floating torsos that's it's not a design for That's an aspiration for the man. I think Zuck is so deep in VR because he thinks that the one, his programming's realized he's copping a bit of shit for being unable to relate to people. And a lot of that is born around like body function

and the functionality of a human body. And the reason he's so obsessed with migrating everyone to the metaverse is A, he can recreate a version of it that he can experience in the same way that all other people are experiencing it oh yeah and b it's removing the need to to you know eat shit piss fuck i think zuck's smooth all the way over and i'm guys having fun on the podcast yeah i am you really got my brain whirling right now i just can't stop thinking about it patricia gun to to your head, fuck, marry, kill. Let's hear it.

Yeah, it's a little bit different, but also a little bit the same. So I was thinking actually, like, first off, you could not, like, I would never in my life fuck Jeff Bezos. This is a man who 100% thinks that, like, having a stripper pole on, like, a yacht is, like, a really cool thing to have. And I feel really strongly that he has to die like because i'm not gonna marry him and i'm not gonna fuck him so he i'm sorry

he has to go and uh it's just good looking prospects now then yeah yeah so i'm gonna marry musk because i think for kind of because i think he would be fun to berate i think i mean i don't actually like i don't you know like he's took also to always like thinks he's doing this really cool stuff and it's so cringe in a way but i also used to have like look this it's a long story but i used to have kind of an obsession about him a long time ago before he kind of became full musk and i read his autobiography and i was kind of like i almost thought he was kind of hot for a moment because he's so fucking weird and he's so into rockets yeah yeah just like this interesting kind of weird character with hair plugs and stuff so i think it could kind of be

but i mean obviously he's done a lot of like kind of despicable stuff but i still feel that i could marry him and then i could that feels okay you. You know, I could deal with that. Zuck, I think also, sorry, go ahead. I probably shouldn't say myself, but there's also a very high chance that he'll leave you and you'll be set free pretty quickly. Not before he impregnates you though. That seems to be his MI.

Baby number 10. Wife number 4. I've heard there's a lot more than 10 and there's a lot of NDAs going around so there might be something to take note of but I think he I think he wants to like I think that's the thing he's like super pro people having kids because he thinks like the major threat of humanity is underpopulation so he like and a lack of people with his DNA yeah real real square chunk DNA going but that's yeah I'd marry him and we'd like

we'd have a life together for a while and then actually with zook i am kind of curious for the same reasons because he is like very slick you know like he's kind of you know you might be in bed with him and he would just like kind of slip away because he just has no hair i don't think he has nipples it's just like they're just tattooed on like i would be and he's really into martial arts also i find this like a weird i don't know i think it could be um like an interesting experience you know hearing you say that the nipples are tattooed on i'm now imagining that he's drawn he's drawn like he's drawn an ass crack. He's drawn a penis on. He's drawn his own nipples on. Just a biro pen.

He's like, this is it, right? It's kind of funny that the through line so far is Mark Zuckerberg is so deeply unfuckable. He is like a black hole of sexuality that I would be interested to have sex with him out of scientific curiosity. I don't think it's that he's unfuckable i think it's just he's like a completely different creature i think it's like if you were a space

explorer and you showed up at a planet where all the creatures that exist there are like kind of sentient or must be smart even to some degree but they're all just kind of like slippery wet noodle people someone would be like maybe we can fuck. For sure. It's also great. Even that's got me thinking, the guys who are going to be representing, the guys who are sending themselves to space, if they come across extraterrestrials, the representation that the human race is going to have

is going to be fucking abysmal. Imagine if Zuck shows up and they're like, this is what it's like? All right, Joe, your time has come fuck mary kill these three fine lads all right i'm on the same page as ben like musk he's smug enough if i fuck him i'll marry him he's just gonna get smugger and i can't have that i tell you what i reckon if you fucked elon Musk, his ego would explode. So, yeah, he's dead.

I'm going to fuck Zuck mainly because I think he'd probably have access to some prototype VR equipment. And then his smooth body is really just going to be a blank canvas for whatever you want to imagine you know once once the goggles are on so i think that might be quite fun like yeah and then as a surprise turn i'm going to marry jeff um the man i originally wanted to kill um i've heard divorcing him is quite profitable and, uh, I might just be able to like slowly niggle away. Like, oh, maybe the Amazon rainforest seems quite interesting as a business opportunity. Oh, Jeff, maybe, maybe pay your warehouse workers a bit more or, Hey, Hey Jeff, I think we could train monkeys into teams of rainbow like i've got i think he

jeff himself a blank canvas i could mold him into the maybe a good billionaire joe your personal maybe a great trillionaire sit as such a bizarre intersection of anti-environmentalism but pro union which is not something you see often in the wild. That's purely subcontinent. If that's what you think, maybe that's where I'm going. I don't know. I think it is. Okay, I'll look into that.

You want to turn the Amazon rainforest into a big factory, but then unionize the workers there, who are monkeys. No, he wants to unionize the warehouse workers people who are currently employed by amazon the most interesting thing is that um you've got a bit of uh i can change him energy floating about you well i think if he's going for me it's already changed a bit so if we could just carry that on you know there's no there's no question to where I could take him. I mean, they're all well-reasoned answers. They've all got me really excited to think of Zuckerberg's, you know,

naked form. Do you know what I'm thinking? What? I'm thinking Ben is number one because he really, like, set the tone of just like musk cannot be around it's it's not tolerable for him to be alive for a moment longer than he yeah he needs to be um which is might i add the second time he's like yeah yeah it's true there's a disdain for all of these guys but there's a real undercurrent of like, stop bringing him up.

Yeah. Like he's, as far as I'm concerned, he's eliminated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not allowed to talk. So I think that's, there's something about the confidence,

the persistence that really appeals. So Ben's number one for me. Joe and Patricia, it's quite hard, but I'm going to put Patricia at number two in my rankings on this um i think it was it was well reasoned and um eloquently described the possibility of of having sex with mark zuckerberg um a terrifying but scientifically fascinating endeavor. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, I agree. And I did like Joe's description of his body as a blank canvas,

but I also can't get it out of my head, and it makes me feel sick. The song Your Body's a Wonderland started playing in my head when he said that. Your body is a canvas, man. Pretty good. So what do you think of that ranking? I can co-sign that. I'm happy with it. Ben, congratulations.

You've won this round. And by my sort of on the back of my brain calculations, we're looking at a pretty neck and neck sort of race to the top here. The next round is word association. Each of you have got 10 different words. And this is... Do they use this in psychiatry? I don't think the good ones do.

No. What do they use this in? It might have been one of those things they formerly used in... Or it might be something that they use in Dolly magazine and they say, this is how psychology works.

Exactly, yeah. It feels like something that a cartoon represents a therapist or psychologist doing. But but basically each of you have got 10 words I mean this feels like probably the most sinister of all the rounds in that you're going to play word association and we're going to judge your responses even though traditionally this is just a sort of free-form practice that is devoid of anything, any meaning. That is not the case on our Killionaire finale. And I believe everyone has now had a turn starting first. So we'll go back to our original order, which means that Patricia,

you can go first. We've got 10 words ready for you. Tim, would you like to read the words? Yes. Just your first response response whatever comes in Patricia are you ready I'm ready okay

your time will start in three two one money duck Amazon packages

rich so unfunny millionaire Amazon Packages Rich So unfunny Millionaire Bill Gates Fish Pescatarian Poison

Murder plot Space Spaghetti alien Oven Murder plot. Space. Spaghetti alien. Oven. Killer. Cliptocracy. Don't know.

Shoes. Feet. Excellent. Okay, thank you. I'm building a psychological profile based on those answers. Now it will be Joe's turn. Guy, would you like to do the honors? Sure thing. Joe, you ready?

Yep. Technology. Future. Communism. Good. Oxygen. Needed. Neoliberalism

Politics Moon Stars Disaster Oh no Zebra Crossing Hedge

Cutters Limp Heidenberg And Cayman Islands Tax Excellent He's still going Very good work.

All right. It's very revealing. What is it like to do from your end? It certainly feels odd. Can I just say, I've never felt more unfunny in my entire life. I forgot words. It's word association. This isn't about japes and goofs.

This is about building a psychological profile based on what we know is in your head, revealed through this quiz. My personal favorite for Joe, disasters. Oh, no. Very good. And finally, Heidenberg for that one. Heidenberg. Ben here.

For blimp. We go for Ben? Ben's ready, yes. Okay, here we go. Ben, your time starts now. Jeffrey. Bezos. Cancel culture. No.

Television. No. Time. Sure. Veloth. Time. Sure. Bella. Nova. Entertainment. Tonight.

Read. Yes. Luxury. Apartment? Super yacht. No. No. No And your final word

Water Sure More like a yes or no quiz I've never seen someone Approach With a association of just like Thumbs up thumbs down but it's

fucking genius it's probably why it's become an outdated form of psychology oh my god the system has been trumped

yep no yes oh man I don't know whether to put you at the top or the bottom based on that

it's so hard I honestly think that that's top shelf yeah it's innovative that's that's dictating terms it's very good here's my rankings it goes ben then it goes joe then it goes patricia no it doesn't because patricia had to go first and i feel like there's something to that no you can't be still... You can't be rewarded for having to go through. I'm locking it in. It goes Ben, then it goes Joe, then it goes Patricia. Wow. Do you want to chalk it up?

Wait, is it? I co-sign it? Yeah, okay, great, great, great. I'm happy with that. You guys, this is... This is actually our... Oh, it's so tight. Our final round.

The scoring's so tight. Do you want me to give the... If you give me one sec, I reckon I can give the scores. Okay. But I've got um do this so carefully yeah you've got to be very delicate yeah so what i've been doing is awarding three points for the first place person in each round two points for the second place and one point for the third where does he come up with this stuff eh in the case of a tie which we had two second places generally speaking in most competitions you go to third

place equals but i didn't i went to second place but you get you you do two second place equals do you yeah and then you skip third if there were four people and then you'd have a fourth sick i crushed it okay ben carry the one no there's no we're not in double digits i'm just goofing. Okay. Right now, the scores as they stand, I'm pretty confident I've done the adding three and two and one to previous scores correctly. In second place equal, both on eight points apiece, Joe and Patricia. And in first place right now by just one point on nine, Ben,

as we go into this, the final round. It's very exciting. And this last round is you take as long as you need. It's theology. And basically what we're going to ask each of you to do is articulate the imagined afterlife for whichever trillionaire you have murdered. So it can be what you think will happen. It can be what you want to happen. But basically, actions have consequences.

Once this person is eliminated, what becomes to their spirit, to their body, either, neither, both? The question is open to your own interpretation. And I suppose we'll start with Joe. Okay, so just as Claire's gibbon hands strangle the last life out of Jeff's body, Claire's gibbon hands strangle the last life out of Jeff's body. He sees darkness.

And then he opens his eyes. And he's in a small, quaint cottage in the New York countryside, surrounded by books. Because it was always about books. He just wanted to read. He just wanted to read and be able to get a book wherever he was in the world. And now he can. He hears a voice from outside calling his name. Jeffrey. Jeffrey.

He steps outside and sees his not ex-wife, but still wife wife calling him over for a hug he goes over and they sit and they read and they live happily oh wait why is he in heaven uh uh no it's like he starts reading the books and there's no words and he's like oh shit and then his wife looks at him and is like well what's wrong

you didn't pay your workers enough didn't put the words in your books and he's distraught he goes back in the cottage he starts opening up all the books and there's not a word in any of them. And he realizes that he's now in his worst nightmare. Wow. No books.

Nothing. Just his wife who hates him. And he can't divorce her now because it's forever. And that's his afterlife. Oh, my gosh i gotta say what an incredible pivot great pivot like you literally caught yourself mid-stride and um really worked with what you'd given yourself thank you very much joe it was and also can i say, initially, it was a real visceral sense of experience, I thought. The silence.

Oh, yeah, in terms of picture painting. Yeah. Yeah, I felt like I was there. I thought the reason he was in heaven is there was a real generosity of spirit there, Joe, that even trillionaires in death are laid to rest eternally and can join the kingdom of heaven but nope no then you remember i go to a little cottage full of books with no words and a distaste like a just a hateful wife she she really doesn't like him anymore especially up here or down there.

They don't get along. I've never seen Mackenzie talk, but she doesn't seem like someone I'd want mad at me. She seems really cool, probably based on the fact that she's given away lots of money. I have a general rule that I would like for no one to be mad at me, but, you know, I'm nuts like that. Ben, the floor is now yours, please. but you know I'm nuts like that Ben

the floor is now yours please your pitch for theology alright since I had a couple minutes to think there I'm not going to do my original thought which was they're all reincarnated as people without money

and have to work for their own companies upon their death just to see that's that's too that's that's not enough i shall ignore it then struck from the record they're going into some sort of afterlife all of them and i figured they should each kind of get the comeuppance that people who work for them you know had to do not the their comeuppance is, is the, a lot of them directly cause death in one way or another. So like Elon Musk, every day he wakes up, he's in the passenger seat of a Tesla. It's getting into a crash and the doors are locking and it's sitting on fire,

which is a thing that happens all the time. So that's him just eternally burning in a Tesla. Bezos, he, he, it's just a loop of him working late night at that factory in somewhere in the midwest in america during all those tornadoes and the wall just crushing him over and over again um i forget which larry runs oracle but the big skyscraper it's ellison that sounds right yeah pages google yes and so so larry ellison the big building in San Francisco is the Oracle Tower. People joke that it looks like a butt plug. It doesn't. But it's kind of it's as phallic as any tower. But it is sinking slowly. So for his afterlife, he's just going to be underneath it as it slowly just crushes him. I think it's like six inches a year. So just enough to feel it, but not enough to make it quick. the year so just enough to feel it but not enough to like make it quick um zuck i think his personal torment would just be looking at all of the data the quantifiable data of how negatively his life has impacted people um i think that would be his personal hell i think a lot of those guys wouldn't care about that but i think he just getting charts and figures of how much he has ruined the planet,

uh, what would hurt his sort of robotic brain. Um, I got nothing on Google's probably killed some people. And, uh, I, Bernard Arnold,

he's got a, I don't know. I'm sure one of the factories that makes the high fashion clothes that he does has had like a horrific fire and he's just in there. I don't know. The other ones, they're not as bespoke, but all of them before are pretty unfortunate. And it sounds like eternal demise. So it's, um.

It's how I've always thought about hell. It's a very personalized experience. Sort of a never ending loop. I've always just thought it's really hot. Yeah? A bit toasty. I've never... You can't be mean to people,

and you can't rob, and you can't covet people's wives because it's a bit toasty afterwards. Yeah. You get a bit warm. Well, you can't... You can't sweat her off. You can't covet your neighbor's oxen either.

I've never thought of it as a bespoke thing. I'm just like, oh, we're all too hot, and none of us are happy to be here. A burning Tesla would be quite hot. It would be quite hot. It would be really hot. Can I imagine the feeling of the pressure

of an entire building slowly descending on you would be kind of a hot feeling? Yeah, yeah. I think this would make you flush with frustration and agony. Everyone would still be running hot. Frustration. I'm very cross about this building on top of me.

I was more thinking about the Zuck looking charts. But yeah, I think being crushed by a building, it might be underselling it a little, but it would be frustrating. Patricia, very excited to hear what you've got to say. Do you mind if I do a little bit of theater while I do this? Because I have quite a clear sense. Honestly, it's encouraged. Yeah.

Okay, cool. So like imagine you're, okay, so I'm going to do it with Elon Musk and you've just kind of like passed, right? And so the world darkens around you and like a figure emerges from the dark and he goes, Elon, because I know it's theology. So I hope you guys have read Dante's Inferno because we're going to do that. And like a figure emerges from the dark and he goes, Elon. Because I know it's theology. So I hope you guys have read Dante's Inferno because we're going to do that. I'm going to like.

Sorry. Can I just hit pause for a second? For our podcast listeners, which is the majority of the audience. Patricia is currently donned in a makeshift hood and carrying a lit candle. Please continue. Thank you. Yeah. So we're going to go through the nine levels of hell. So I'm bringing him on the journey and he's very,

he feels very special. You know, he's like, yeah, of course not very many people get to go on this path. And so we start descending through the echelons of the afterlife across the Elysian fields. And we pass through a place that

is very dark and very ominous. I'm going to hold the candle. And there's a lot of cardboard there. And he's like, what is this? What's all this cardboard? And everything is stained with blood. And he hears a shuffling and Bezos emerges from underneath a kind of large contraption. So this is actually the previously described, uh, labyrinth of where Jeff is spending his eternity in hell. We spend a little time there. They chat,

they know each other from before. Um, and they continue downwards through the many, many levels of hell. Um, I don't know so much about the other millionaires per se i guess arnaud it would be i feel like he's fashion related so maybe uh also in a sweatshop with all his like chinese workers who earn nothing every day but eventually we get to the center of

hell which is the ice circle right where like um judas is and lucifer. And when, whilst we enter it, you know, he's actually quite excited because he's like, well, I wonder what my personalized hell will be, what loop I will exist in forever. And as he enters it, he enters into a very cold, strange space that's like very immaterial. And like, you can't see your arms, just your hands. And it actually feels like you're in a kind of poorly animated video

game from like 2004. And actually, this is the metaverse. So he finds out in this space that he doesn't get to spend eternity in his own personalized hell. His hell is actually Zuck's hell. And he has

to sit there forever to know that he didn't even get the inner circle of the last the last hellscape and he just has to live in that fucking awful experience of trying to be like a a wee character from 2000 and like i don't know seven forever and he's got the he's obviously he's got the context that um other others did get their own personalized hell yes i presume yeah because mesos is in his like labyrinth which is immediately like designed after his greatest desire box world that's what they wanted to call amazon but it was already taken as like a domain name

so they went with something else boxworld.com wow anyway it's these are all this that was sensational patricia i really um obviously the theatrics were very impressive but also the um there's something very very rude about what you know like showing him a few rooms on the way to his room and being like oh and you have to share this. And who was that? Sorry, again, who was that billionaire who lost out on their own personalised money? It was Elon. That was Elon.

Oh, that's so delicious. Yeah. So deserved. So we've got Elon with his non-personalised hell and the perspective that others did get that. We've got Elon in a never-ending tesla that's burning on fire um zuck looking at charts bezos where was where was jeff he was in a warehouse in the midwest we've got a man under the wall fall yeah that a wall collapsed and then of course you've got the

um you've got bezos and a very picturesque cottage and sort of, I feel like, you know, a moment's perspective on what drove him to get to where he is to begin with, which was just a love of books and a desire for more people to read and sort of that lightning bolt of realization that is then taken away. I mean, these are all really beautiful. Yeah, and they're so unique. It's actually quite fitting to begin and end with a poem as we have because there's a real poetry to all of your pictures for the afterlife. If there's one thing that we know is lacking in the world of hyper-wealth at the moment, it's an appreciation for the humanities. So I like that it's been well on display in this finale of Killing Ear TV.

That's right. I actually have a proposed ranking for this. I would like to hear it. It feels weighted because it's the last one, but I'd like to tell you what I think. Go on. I think I'm going to go reverse order by the way so i think uh ben's proposal outstanding but each person was everyone was getting it direct it was more like

i i felt like it was missing the second layer of like if you know of um esoteric fuck you i was like it was born out of the moralistic like you know you you must suffer through the thing that you have forced upon so many to make your life function the way it does yeah but i feel like it's too it's it's direct and it's repeated and it's not um to me the idea of living for eternity you know while grappling with something that was almost there and not quite is what is so appealing and that's what i think came through in patricia and joe's pitches i think um patricia's was it was beautiful this for me is this it was the second one yes uh i i like the um sort of the bespoke hells that aren't available. But, you know, honestly, and it's almost by virtue of making a mistake mid-pitch,

but the way that Joe gave Jeff everything he wants and revealed his humanity to himself and almost to all of us that said, hey, there's hope. There's a person in here. There's a person in here. And then to have that moment and then have it all taken away. The idea of this room. I'm just seeing all these books that he loved,

like the covers of all the books that were his favorite books as a child and just nothing. Yeah. It's fucking devastating. I mean, he's already dead, but that would ruin a person. And he can't leave. If he goes into another room, he's just going to get told off. Go read your books.

There's nothing in there. It's not my problem, Jeff. Go back. It does sound like hell now that you've brought it to life for me. So that's mine. I mean, I'm open to discussion, obviously. No, I think it's where I was drifting mean, I'm open to discussion, obviously. No, I think it's where I was drifting anyway,

and you've articulated it so well. So I'm going to lock that in. And I believe that that means that the winner of Kill Your Near Television is Joe. Wow. Joe has won. Congratulations, Joe. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, too. And also it means we have two tied second places, which was not planned at all, but it means there's no loser here, or there's two, depending on how you look at it. So first of all, to our winner, Joee congratulations um i will reveal as well because i don't think we've locked it in but you're going to be receiving a 500 us dollar amazon gift card and we're just before black friday so you could really fuck some shit up with that

if you want this is it's a fundraising project if nothing else for my boy jeff It's a fundraising project, if nothing else. For my boy Jeff. Did you guys buy that from Amazon? We will. We didn't get given it by Amazon. Kind of the opposite of the purpose of the entire podcast, you might say. You might say that.

You might say that. That's where the magic lies. Think about Amazon this, though. It's so good. He's built a solid website, that. Everyone's fucking out. We've got to support one of these billionaires to get to a trillion dollars. Musk is going to be shortly out of the running completely uh zuckerberg has entirely fucked his enterprise we need to hitch our horses to a wagon and that wagon is named jeffrey yeah bezos driven by a mule on steroids who thinks he can he thinks

he can take his wagon to the sky joe's been backing him since day one so it's very befitting joe would you like to say anything as the winner of kill your near tv uh just a well done to ben and patricia you know strong strong pitches strong strong performance today uh thank you to the judges and uh i'll send you the receipt for the flight to brazil i assume. And then we'll sort it that way. I'm ready to go as soon as you are. Just send the message and I'll get the plan in action. Great. We'll figure out the particulars on that after the call. Ben, would you like to say any words of commiseration for missing out on winning? No. I mean, this was fun as hell. And I can't think of a better reason to have left work early.

Yeah, I don't know. Good job, Joe. Good job, Patricia. Fuck you, Tim and Guy. Yeah, as always. I really hope you don't get fired off the back of this, because that would just break my heart. And Patricia, how are you feeling with this outcome?

Feeling really good. Congratulations, Joe. I felt that our animal-based plans were really aligned, so i have a lot of respect for you and also for ben um who made his own animal that's right yeah yeah greatest animal of all several billion and thank you to tim and guy this has like, I've listened to your podcast for probably seven years or something more. So it's really quite an honor to be on it. You guys are all so funny. You're so clever.

It was so much fun. Thank you so much for taking the time and mental resource to submit such outstanding plans. And thank you to everyone who's followed us on our Killionaire journey. Yes, thus concludes this chapter of the worst idea of all time. It's been a lot of fun. And to think it all started with some silly plans of our own. That's right. I was actually thinking about that on the way over this morning.

Years ago. This all started as basically a little improv exercise. We've been to Russia. A lot has happened. But here we are now with our winner of Kill Your Near TV. It's just been phenomenal.

So thank you everybody for playing. And we can look forward to the next chapter of The Worst Idea of All Time, which is season five? Six. Six.

I keep forgetting where we're up to. Starting incredibly soon. Vroom, vroom.