The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV: Winners Circle Heat 1

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

A video version of this episode is available at twioat.substack.comVOTE NOW: https://forms.gle/zUZkwGtmSmwu2LAfAIt's Joe v Dylan v Shortney v Matt in this first heat of the Killionaire TV Winners Circle. The Amazon rain forest needs to be privatized, a French accent needs to be attempted, a gold pyramid needs to be built and we gotta get this Spiderman musical off the ground.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey motherfuckers and welcome along to the Killianere Winner's Circle, heat one of three. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to compare, contrast and vote for our favourite people who have made it through to the Winner's Circle in this season of Killianere Television. We've got some hot contestants going to Montgomery. We've got some smart people. We've got some pretty people. And we've got some dastardly plans. Yeah. Basically, we have gathered all

of the data presented to us, the inventors of Killian Air TV. We will pit, or have already pit your ideas against each other. Only the cream has risen to the top. The milk, while still delicious, remains at the bottom of the jug. We has risen to the top the milk while still delicious remains at the bottom of the jug we're not fucking around with the milk though today is about winners so let us check out from the first episode the pitch belonging to

joe okay i'm gonna start with a question to you fellas love this very shark tank when was the last time you you read or heard news about the amazon rainforest that made you feel good well i don't remember that in my lifetime joe my me neither no no never I hear you say That's right It's always, oh the Amazon's on fire Oh the lungs of our planet Are dying at a rate humanity Will never recover from

It's a fact That just creating a large chunk of Earth's breathable oxygen Isn't enough to make me give a shit About the Amazon rainforest Do you know what will make people give a shit? What? Give it an economy. Get it producing what people really need.

Which is jobs, consumable products, and most importantly, fat stacks for Jeff. That's right. I'm pitching we create the first corporate wonder of the world. And turn the Amazon rainforest into Amazon's main fulfillment center. It's an easy sell for Brazil. They're sick of that big old waste of land. It's not producing anything. And it's an easy sell for Amazon.

What with all the great PR and cheap monkey-led workforce that's up for offer. The idea itself is to hang as much shelving on the trees as possible, and cram said shelves with products and a system of coloured lights. We then train and send out teams of monkeys called Rainbows. Each rainbow contains severed monkeys each train to grab a product when they see a certain colored bike

buy said product they then bring it to be packaged receive a banana as a reward and a tax free payment Amazon people will love that I estimate you could have as many as 15 rainbows working at once on each square mile of the Amazon Rain Fulfillment Center.

Sorry, Joe. Yeah? Could you just give me that 15 rainbows per square, what was it? Each square mile of the Amazon Rainforest Fulfillment Centre. That's what I'm calling it. Sorry, continue. Okay, just think about all the fire suppression needed in a location with so much sweet inventory. Did somebody say no more forest fires?

And what about the Aboriginal people who call the Amazon rainforest their home? in a location with so much sweet inventory? Did somebody say, no more forest fires? And what about the Aboriginal people who call the Amazon rainforest their home? Don't you mean, what about the customer experience managers of the Amazon Fulfillment Center that call this corporation family? I think they're doing all right. How do we go about killing Jeff once all this amazing PR and monkey hijinks

earns him an easy trill? Well, I met a man called Coco at the British Wildlife Centre, and he has his very own trained monkey. They're trained for a very different reason. We slip Claire the gibbon into the Grand Amazon for Fulfillment Centre, and when Bezos inevitably goes for a visit, old Claire gets the work. Now, I know you might be thinking, but Coco has reassured me often that Claire used to belong to

ex-Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, and is a strife socialist, and has some real ideas for the money, but there may need to be a backup plan regarding a trillionaire given and whatever fallout that may bring. But that is the extent of my idea. He has a unique and sort of ambling charm, that Joe. Yes, very strong out the gate, wasn't it? Episode one, and we've already got a tasty plan.

Viable, smart, quite funny, I thought. Yeah. And politically motivated, also good. Hey, it behooves me to remind our listeners, and more importantly viewers at Substack, how to vote. And you can do that by clicking on the link in the show notes and God willing I will have set up some sort of

a poll where you can cast your vote on this first heat. So that was Joe. It behooves me to say Tim. Yes What does behooves mean? Let's not get into it. Instead let's hear our second participant in the winner's circle. It's time for Dylan. Right now, just before I get underway with the story,

I just want to point out that in about 10 years, that's when it's estimated that Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk may become a trillionaire just by themselves. And we haven't got 10 years. We start our tale in Monaco. Musk and Bezos bump into each other when their super yachts collide in the waters of monaco during the monaco grand prix which we know elon musk attends is evidenced in iron man 2 the yachts collide because we are driving them my dad knows how to drive boats and his friend used to do fishing boats so we install them as captains of the vessels legit we also sneak on uh to be

crew to make sure everything goes smoothly um because of the collision of the super yachts the two get into a heated argument that's elon and jeff get into a heated argument about damage damage and costs and um you know whose fault it was so i step in as my character pier the french waiter and insist that they do this over dinner because arguments are best settled on a full tummy um and it's at this point that elon musk realizes that he did have a dinner date with Mark Zuckerberg that evening, who was also attending Monaco Grand Prix, but he decides that this is a more

important plan that he must pursue. Anyway, fast forward to dinner. Things are going well between Elon and Jeff. We're playing romantic music. Candles are lit. It's nice. It's a romantic setting. These two over dinner realize just how much in common they have. Elon leans over and asks Jeff, have you ever seen a raw emerald? They begin a worldwide romance, starting with a visit to the Musk family emerald mine. This trip cements the romance between the two, and not after long they are married.

The bond over their hurtful divorces, the loneliness of being a rich weird freak, they realize they need each other, and they marry in an intimate ceremony in one of Elon's underground tunnels. Five years later, as a way to celebrate their five-year anniversary, which the symbol for the five-year anniversary is wood, these two space boys go on a journey to Mars to plant the first ever tree on Mars which is I think a very billionaire

thing to do the trip seems to be going all well in the SpaceX shuttle, popping champagne bottles, singing songs, but what's that on the radar? a meta-satellite

is on a collision course with the ship containing our star crossed lovers. That's right Zuck, a scorned lover from the past has aimed his satellite at the ship in hopes of killing those who broke his heart all those years ago

The two lovers who are now combined to trillionaires after cementing their worth with each other, explode in fiery passion in orbit above Mars. Zach takes the blame after an anonymous tip from a mysterious French waiter. That's right, I have been deep in character for five years as Pierre, the French waiter and advisor to Bezos. After earning his trust in Monaco all those years ago, he hires me as his Alfred-type butler to be his right-hand man. Pierre is the puppet master, the voice in the air.

Bezos trusts me so much that he leaves me in control of the Musk slash Bezos estate in the event of their untimely demise. When questions are asked about the mysterious French butler, he has simply vanished after shifting the money into untraceable accounts. I resume my identity and we do what we please with the trillions of dollars. He's got winner's material. He won. He took it out. I'm not denying the fact he won. From memory, Brad was terrifying as well. He was even quite scary just as a presence during that pitch. That's right. Yeah, yeah.

He had a set dressed and everything. Well, I mean, Dylan, congratulations. Look, we're not here to influence the vote. We want you guys to make up your own minds. Two pitches left. That's right. There's two more to choose from. And this is our first heat.

Remembering that the winner from each heat will be going into the grand finale, head to head, two heads. There's three. From which only one winner can emerge. Three heads. Two boys. Yes.

One assassinated trillionaire. Exactly. Let's check out our next winner, Shortney. Okay, I actually made a PowerPoint presentation. My God. Is it all right if I share my screen? I would love that. I don't know if that's technically possible, but if you found a way, I'm delighted.

I think it is everybody say a collective prayer for the Everybody say a collective prayer for the internet. A collective prayer for the internet. Dear internet. Please. We beseech you and we thank you for the gifts that you've given us. Geo cities. Neo pets. Oh, it's here.

How to commit a fake murder in parenthesis. Fantastic. It's fake. All right. For our only uh join us as well courtney if shortney sorry if you wouldn't mind um it says by courtney on the picture that's why i got a bit flustered if you wouldn't just visually describing what we're looking at here as well um if you had to tell a cutesy kindergarten class to make a murder plan on a PowerPoint presentation, and you just gave them crayons and somehow uploaded that to Google, this is what you're looking at. Fantastic.

All right, so hello, my name is Courtney. You can call me Shortney, though, on the account that I'm only five feet tall, which is 1.524 meters. I'm pretty sure. Had to Google it. So if that's wrong, blame Google. But you know what? That makes me assassin-sized. Oh.

So without further ado, I can get into those vents. Let's get into my flawless murder plan, which is totally a joke. So we'll start with who the target is, then how we'll help to get them to that trillionaire status, and then finally the ultimate comedy murder plot. So first off, the target. Uh, I figured it should be probably Mark Zuckerberg. Um, I don't know much about him, I'll be honest. Um, because we're kind of on a budget, I'm a budget assassin. Okay, great assassins know their targets.

I have thoughts. I'm pretty sure he's greedy. I think you have to be to have a net worth of $187 million by now, or billion dollars. I think he wants to be a robot. That's not confirmed, but I will start that conspiracy theory later on Reddit. And I think he's obsessed with escapism, especially because of the metaverse recently coming out. But how do we get there to escape this world with a trillion dollars?

Let's talk about fundraising, y'all. Let's get those wallets open, okay? The metaverse. Bringing socially awkward crab people like myself with the agoraphobes of the virtual world. But how will a bunch of nerds be ripped from their hard-earned money to help Zuckerboy reach trillionaire status the same way he probably already will reach trillionaire status?

Targeted ads and gaslighting. So, deep in the metaverse, as you wander around your living room, you'll meet new people who are perfect for you, the love of your life, your new best friend, the true AI soulmate that we have all been waiting for. Once they're completely head over heels in love with the customized dream

girl, it's time to hook, line, and sink them in debt. That's the American way. That's how we do it here. You know who would love those moon boots? Your new virtual girlfriend. What about those fun burrito blankets? I bet the AI we assigned you to fall in love with would love those. Is this incredibly devious and emotionally manipulative?

Yes. But will it get you to trillionaire status? I don't know. I'm not an accountant. I'm an assassin. Now, the fictitious murder plot. By the way, I saved you a slide. You're welcome.

A little bit of prep work. There's a little bit. Every good plan starts with good prep. But absolutely worth it for the final product. Just stay with me on this, okay? First, we need a banner that says Cash the Throne. This is important for later. I will explain. Don't you even worry. I'm going

to already assume he has a golden throne. That's just out there. You don't have $187 billion and no golden throne. And if he doesn't, he's spending his money wrong anyways. And that's all out there. You don't have one hundred eighty seven billion dollars and no golden throne. And if he doesn't, he's spending his money wrong anyways. And that's all the more reason we should kill him. We also need gold bars, which, you know, that's that plant of interest. I know.

Don't you worry. We'll get to it. We need a red spray can. We only need one. So that'll save the budget for all the gold bars we're going to need. And finally, most importantly, an A.I. wife. Now, I know what you're thinking.. And finally, most importantly, an AI wife. Now, I know what you're thinking.

I can't code. Well, neither can I. But we don't have to because Marky Mark Z has already done the heavy work for us. He's already made the metaverse. See that? We already saved more budget money for the gold bars. And now we are ready for a murder most foul. Let me set a scene for you, which I've actually made into a visual guide.

Zucky Mucky is sitting high and mighty on his literal golden cash throne. The beautiful banner is flowing behind him. All 37 of his assistants have gone home for their legally required three hours of sleep. Not Mark Zuckerberg's choice, but he's okay with it. Zuckerlucker is bored. He's frustrated.

And most importantly, he's curious. What is it like to fall in love with a computer? Is the AI software really that good? He puts on the VR headset. We got him, boys. This is it. As he's enthralled, learning everything his Manic Pixie Dream Girl AI program, trademark mending, could be for him and more. We jump out of the throne.

That's right. Trojan horse, of course. And he learns human emotions from a computer. We're busy. Stacking those fat stacks of gold cash around Marky Mark Z to create a pyramid of death. He's gone too far in the VR world. He's got virtual kids now, a wife, a job, happiness, fulfillment. But in the real world, he's got about 152

gold bricks cocooning him in a doom tomb. And for extra dramatic flair, this is the part that's important, we spray paint an extra letter on the banner. It goes from cash the throne to crash the throne. Boom. He's dead. We split the money. Clean

getaway. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Shortney, you cunning bastard. I like hearing people talk about Zuck. I like to think about him on his birthday. Do you think he says, this is gross, but do you think he says this? Zucky for Zucky. That's yuck.

I don't like that at all. Yucky for Zucky. Honestly, the PowerPoint, sensational. The idea of blending virtual reality back with an actual reality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've done this bit, mate. Come on. This is like a flashback.

A set of flashback episodes in some way, isn't it? It's like when the Simpsons sit down on their couch and watch highlights of The Simpsons. Yeah. Only arguably probably not as... This isn't quite legacy like when the Simpsons sit down on their couch and watch highlights of the Simpsons. Yeah. Only arguably probably not as, this isn't quite legacy media like the Simpsons. Yeah. Well, time will tell.

Yeah. That's to say right now. That's right. That's for sure. We have one remaining finalist in this, our first heat, please join us in reminiscing on the dastardly plan of Matt. Matt.

Okay. So, you know, I was reading your idea and, you know, making one trillionaire and killing them. That's a very classic idea, but I think we need to think bigger, broader, you know, we're in the postmodern digital crypto age. And we're also in the age of a pandemic that doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. And what has proven to be financially successful in a pandemic? Spider-Man.

Maybe the only thing. And so we now have to ask ourselves, how do we take Spider-Man and just wring profits out of it? You know, what medium of art can get away with highly inflated ticket prices? Broadway. So, let me stop you. Yes, I am suggesting this innovative, groundbreaking first-time idea of taking Spider-Man and putting it on Broadway. So yes, we're going to take No Way Home

and adapt it into a Broadway play. When I've heard of podcasters trying to do TV pilots and stuff and they get canceled, it often seems to be because there's not enough visuals. So I do have some visuals here. So we do have Jeffrey Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk. That is legitimately terrifying, man. I'd like to talk casting.

Elon Musk is clearly Tom Holland. You know, he's young, quirky. I'm pretty sure Zendaya loves him. It kind of just makes sense. Bezos is going to be our Toby. You know, he's older, and we'll get a little more into that detail later. And then Zuck, oh, where's, there he is.

Zuck is clearly Andrew Garfield. You know, Garfield was in a movie about Mark Zuckerberg. It just all adds up. And now to get a little more into Bezos and Tobey Maguire. As you can see, we have Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 1. And we have Jeffrey Bezos recently photographed. They have a lot of similar body types. Very similar areola shapes.

They have very similar vein poppage on their forearms. And just a very subtle hint of a six pack. It's just kind of a tease that it's there. So naturally he'd fit into like we could probably just reuse the suit is how much it works. So, yes, we are taking all three. And that's my secret for this new Killianaire plot. And that's my secret for this new Killianaire plot. Instead of developing a Trillionaire, we develop three 333 billionaires.

And then they all accidentally die in one swoop. And we collect all three of their wealths. Now, this is for two reasons. One, as we all know, Bezos is a weasel. We can't trust him. He's heard of your plan by now. I'm sure he listens to the podcast or someone's told him about it. And we know that he's already kind of into Hollywood with Amazon Studios.

So he's going to do some Hollywood accounting, maybe talk to Adam Sandler, figure it out. And whatever we do with him, we'll never turn a profit. So we can't trust him alone. And with current Twitter power on the industry, if one of them makes substantially more money, people are going to riot. They'll strike. But if they just slowly start occurring a little more wealth, we could get away with it

before people figure out what happens. So all three of them are going to be producers on our Broadway show. And they will all directly pocket from our ticket sales. Obviously, Bezos is doing it for the clout. You know, he's divorced. He's trying to be that cool dad now. That's why he's in our show.

Musk doing it for the memes, just while he was on SNL. Zuck is the harder one. But this is how we get him in we sell our tickets as nfts through his metaverse we'll circle back to that so i did some math in gray is how much money we need to get to a trillion dollars blue is what musk is bringing. Orange is what Bezos is bringing. And yellow is what Zuck is bringing. Also, if you're more of a chart, this kind of chart person, I have it for you. I like the pies. Now, what's the highest grossing musical?

Because that's going to factor into this. It does, in fact, star cats, but it's wild cats. It's Disney's Lion King, which made nearly $2 billion. So it doesn't really affect our charts. It's that little black sliver. It doesn't really do anything. But that's old Broadway. As I mentioned, right, we're in the modern post-meta crypto Broadway.

So we're selling these tickets as exclusive NFT items. So we can sell them at NFT prices. The largest theater in the world is in Spain. It seats 9,000 people. I looked, the 10 most profitable NFT sales were all above the $6 million threshold. So I think we could sell our NFT tickets at a $5 million price. I think we could sell our NFT tickets at a $5 million price. So that means we could sell for each show, make $45 billion in ticket sales alone.

In five shows, we would cross that threshold. So that way we'll make up the difference that our current three billionaires do not make up. But since this is a meta show, audiences aren't just going to pay $5 million to watch a normal old Broadway show. There has to be some meta element to make them exclusive, make it unique. So we're not just doing one No Way Home. We're doing five No Way Homes.

Night one, there's just one Spider-Man. Bezos is all alone. Night two, Musk joins him. Night three, Zuck joins him. Now night four is interesting because that's actually going to be our last show. But before I give it, we should start talking about the execution. And then we'll come back into our profit margins. I don't know if you're familiar with this, but the strongest shape in nature is a triangle.

So our three actors are going to feel pretty secure swinging over the audience with a triangle rig holding them up. That's each of their webs. They're swinging around. It's pretty safe and secure. Looks good. Nothing can bring them down. So show three goes flawlessly and they feel pretty confident. But if you remember, we needed five shows to make that trillion now i'm saying we're gonna stop at

four simple the show four we bring in everybody we bring in bill gates we bring in joe rogan we bring in jacqueline mars seen here we now have six spider-men and their net worth is $141 billion, which makes up our missing money from show five. During the finale, we have all six stars swinging out over the crowd in a double triangle formation, which they assure themselves is safe. If one triangle is good, two triangles are even better. But if you notice, there's only one, two, three, four, five points. So two swingers are going to have to be locked in here. At the apex of their arc over the crowd, this is going to crumble in on the weight. And all six are going to come crashing down in a mass of blood, spandex, metal, and their cash will be ready for us to assume.

blood spandex metal and their cash will be ready for us to assume and i don't know there's something about the math not working out that i don't remember having my fever broke but i needed to make up another 80 billion so we can sell merch i did the math an average ticket in the u.s uh concert is a hundred dollars and an average merch $50, so then we could probably sell merch for $2.5 million. We would have a total of 36 guests over our four nights. So if each of them buys just one piece of merch at our event, we would make $90 trillion,

which gets us over our hold. In case we needed it. And that's my pitch for you fellas. And that's it for Heat you fellas and that's it for Heat 1 those are our contestants in the winner's circle

I'm just getting a bit of paper am I allowed to do that? yeah yeah I'm going to test you who did we have? Joe yes what did Joe talk about?

Joe talked about the Amazon rainforest yes then we had Dylan not Shortney Dylan who pronounces it Monaco yeah that's what it's called got a French character and a couple of super yachts.

Then we had Shortney in her PowerPoint presentation encasing Zuckerberg in a golden tomb. Pretty powerful stuff there. And, of course, closing with Matt and his Broadway baby. Yeah, Crypto, Fever Dream. Pretty cool stuff. Those are four options that you can choose from, and only one of them will be the winner's winner of Heat No. 1.

So if you click on the show notes, you'll get delivered a Google form, if I made it, and you'll be able to vote in there for who was best. Will you win a prize for participating? Absolutely not. No, but one of the four competitors will be advancing to the grand final with a chance to win the right to, I don't know, we can say exercise their plan. We're going to make a thing. We're going to do something.

Like a trophy. Oh, we've got to... Then you get a voucher. Yeah, for Amazon. For Amazon to help. This has been Heat No One for Killionaire TV on behalf of Guy Montgomery and myself, Tim Batt. Go fuck yourself, billionaires.