The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV: Winners Circle Heat 2

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

A video version of this episode is available at twioat.substack.comVOTE NOW: https://forms.gle/3ZJjwttTRsigmvDm6We've got Harley v Patricia v Stephanie v Joshua v Ollie in a bumper five-way battle for supremacy. Weed editables are back on the menu, steampunk diving suits are back in fashion, fairgound dunk tanks have a utility once more, Musk is back in the MCU and Lance Armstrong is finally relevant again. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

All right, baby, we're back and we're better than ever. Welcome to Killian Air, the winner's circle, heat number two. You've already seen heat number one, where four of the best brains in the business went head to head. Well, this is heat number two, where five of the equally best brains in the business are going to go head to head-head with a chance to advance to the grand finale. Head-to-head-to-head. I'm Tim Baird.

By your own standards, that was gross. And I'm Guy Montgomery. Watch us as we watch a recap of the winning pitches from some of our competitors in Killian Air TV so far. First up in this hate of five contestants, we're going to check out Harley's pitch again. Fantastic. Let's get a slideshow going, actually.

Oh, my God. All right. Welcome to Operation Drug Butt. Drugs really unquestionably get Bezos onto trillionaire status tonight. A five-step process to create and kill a trillionaire. Weed Globe. All right, the product.

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I see weed. I see thick tattooed on cookies. I see muscular arms. I see a row of teeth. I see thick tattooed on cookies. I see a row of teeth. I see a sparkle and a dimple. I see what appear to be chocolate chips, veins upon the arms of the muscles and a weed tattoo. Fantastic. I'm glad y'all are seeing all the details here. And if you've confirmed you see all the details, let's move on. All right. The field the good 24 grams of protein per serving all essential vitamins and nutrients for a balanced diet vegan no animal products and most importantly 24

milligrams of THC the perfect one-to-one ratio of THC and protein this dummy thick bisque is going to get you both dummy baked dummy nourished and dummy thick muscles the fucking strong all right um feel the 12 rad flavors the irresistible flavors that basis won't be able to resist not buying up for amazon we have yum fudgeable toking brownie red rum velvet raisin zucchini killer dark side cherry almond black metal current mocha she wrote which i have right here i'll i'd have to stop stirring my screen but I'll show y'all after a lavender raspberry pie umazan ube

man go into space while I murder him because there are no laws in space preventing me from doing so pineapple I'll take you down with me cake durian durian and hokey pokey yum alright feel the contractual obligation this is where the really the kingpin becomes All right. Feel the contractual obligation.

This is where really the kingpin becomes reborn here. Because when J.F. Bezos buys this company for only $4,266.69 New Zealand dollars for a 99.9 stake in the company brand and all. He will actually be reading the small print here, which reads, I hereby, with the purchase of Wake's Bakes LLC, agree to make a

sincere and genuine commitment to the international documentation of all illicit drugs, which are currently illegal in every country on earth within the next 169 weeks and make them purchasable on Amazon. So, y'all are thinking, how is that going to work? Well, I have to inform you, Tim Batt and Guy Montgomery, it worked on you. In this little cookie here, on that fine little detail, which I did ask, do you see all the details?

And you did confirm, yes. It says, I slash we, Tim Batts and our guy Montgomery, have simply by looking at this, the mask, a thick, thick, thick, oh my God, are 100% green and committing to the idea presented. I and we cannot back out. It's happening. We're killing a trillionaire through the decriminalization of all drugs with this product. Unless, unless, I say, I slash we say,

that's definitely the world's strongest edible with the bus alarms, but this just isn't the deal for us. Within the next 10, within the 10 seconds of Harley Wake asking, can you see all the details? So, you have agreed to take on this idea and are doubling down by this,

having this read to you. Next, why this works as a plan. Because of the fact that the illicit drug trade is between $450 to $680 billion for the global GDP, it connects to Amazon's $1.6 trillion net worth already, and becomes a cash boon for Bezos after requiring the thick bisque, and then decriminalizing all the source of the drugs

because he is now contractually obligated to make an effort within the next 169 weeks. And thus, he becomes the world's first trillionaire so how do we kill him he is going to feel the burn to assert the emperor in a time of celebration for becoming the first trillionaire we take the first acid trip in space and with that I shall take the helm and fly him into the sun. Thus ends the reign of the Icarus Trillionaire.

Did you just say Icarillionaire? Icarillionaire. That's pretty good. Yeah, I'm pretty good with words. I like that. Icarillionaire. I'm always fucking around with words in the same way they're always fucking around with weed biscuits. with words in the same way they're always fucking around with weed biscuits you want to know what i've enjoyed seeing on these sort of revisits of the pictures so far is references to nfts a concept that was dominating the headlines in february when we recorded and thankfully in october is like

barely recognizable what happened to the people who made them i hope they're in jail no i hope they all went to jail a few people got real rich right and everyone else got ripped off it's time for our next contestant everybody please give a big warm internet welcome to patricia hi thank you i'd like to thank my competitor. That was very good. Oh, wow. So gracious. They won't... Yeah, so gracious. There won't be any overlap

because I've decided to kill Mark Zuckerberg, so it's fine. Maybe we can do both. Each. Yeah. So I'm going to start with kind of reading my initial pitch, which leads to just how to get him over the trillionaire mark, and then I'm going to wing it a bit more in the actual murder plot.

I love that. Sounds good. Yeah. So I'm happy that at long last an opportunity has arisen to share my innovative and foolproof method of pushing New York native and Taurus, Mark Elliott Zuckerberg, across the trillion dollar mark with the subsequent aim of murdering him for shared profit.

Step one. What is the biggest financial drag in terms of known lizard and Harvard graduate Mark Zuckerberg's iteration of the metaverse? It is of course the problem of servers. Running a media empire and hosting a future dystopian virtual reality platform takes massive processing power. Servers need to be cold and currently the planet is heating up. But how do we make global warming and rising oceans work for us? We go aquatic. I will convince Zuckerberg that the cool ocean floor is prime

real estate for his server farms and help to push this policy across the Senate floor, or however Americans process their clown politics. Saving money on rent and air conditioning systems, this will surely rocket Zuckerberg's profits into the trillions. This is, however, all part of my long-term assassination strategy. Years pass, Mark Zuckerberg learns to swim, and Meta begins building its oceanic architecture. Little does Zaki know that I have been diving into previous NASA research on the intercommunication of human and sea creatures. Without psychedelics, and most importantly without fucking any dolphins, I will successfully begin to speak to a number of underwater animals with whom I collude on an aquatic murder plot of one pasty bug-eyed trillionaire. For dolphins, I will successfully begin to speak to a number of underwater animals with whom I collude on an aquatic murder plot

of one pasty bug-eyed trillionaire. For this, I choose as my partner in the venture the giant Pacific octopus. All right. Years have passed. Meta has succeeded with building underwater farms, like data farms. And just a normal Thursday,

Mark Zuckerberg is going down one of his tunnels down into the servers. He has his own tunnel, private tunnel, which has windows open for viewing of the oceanic floor. He's on an electric scooter. As he's going down the tunnel, there's no sounds, he's just whistling along, and then he hears a tapping on the outside of the tunnel.

He thinks perhaps it's a shoal of fish or something he stops he gets off he looks out the window and sees what he first thinks is an octopus but it's actually me in a full copper steampunk tear underwater diving suit he goes up to the window i I go, Rook behind you. No response from Zuckerberg. Shocked. I go, Rook behind you. He goes, what is happening? I go, Rook behind you. And he looks behind himself to the other window. Through the other window is what he thinks is now another steampunk diving suit, but it is actually a giant Pacificific octopus in its normal air like a tidal

habitat um holding in so i've i didn't go into this but the communication is like a movement based form because that's actually how octopuses communicate traditionally with other octopi um it's holding many small wrenches unscrewing the bolts which are stupidly on the outside of the tunnel um immediately it crashes, water fills in. I think Zuckerberg will immediately die from this. But actually what I didn't know is that he spent quite a lot of money on genetic engineering over the last few years and he now has gills. The octopus fucked off.

I'm now alone with Zuckerberg in the water. I put my hands around Mark Zuckerberg's veiny throat but then realized in the moment that I'm about hands around Mark Zuckerberg's veiny throat, but then realized in the moment that I'm about to kill a human being for profit, I pause, thinking that maybe I don't want to kill another human being for that, even if it's a shared profit, especially

since I've looked up how much one trillion is divided among the population of the planet, and it's about $140. Going on. I let go. We kind of sheepishly float to the surface. I immediately get onto land, shamed that I failed this plot.

I look out at the water, close enough to see Mark Zuckerberg's eyes, and I start to think about all the things that we have in common, how lonely we've probably been over the last few years. I wonder what the name of his childhood pet was. I wonder if he's buried a parent in the last few years. And if when he sat in the pews of the church,

he felt that he was taking attention away by his media personality, realizing he's going to miss this person for the rest of his life. As I think that, a single tentacle rises from the water. It's the octopus. It has interpreted the otter-like Zuckerberg as one of its natural enemies and with the swift crack of a whip breaks Zuckerberg's neck. I think it was a good thing that I invested some time in teaching a lot of varieties of crustaceans, mostly river crawfish, to write Zuckerberg's handwriting, which I've infiltrated the administrative offices of Facebook in the meantime, and re-signed his will to distribute his trillion dollars to the population. And I go home.

I mean, we both had a lot of fun listening back to that. It's a good plan. Well, anything with a steampunk sort of... It's not even a steampunk octopus, but those components, it's... There's steampunk, there's an octopus, there's Zuckerberg getting killed. It's all good stuff. Yeah, it's great listening. We've got three more to get through in this heat, too. Okay.

So there's not time to fucking F and Jeff around. All right. You dingus. Don't swear and then go to effing jeff i'm gonna i'm gonna mix swear words with um self-editing as much as i fucking well please so mind your p's and q's and please welcome stephanie the plan gentle, rests on this idea. What do folks love to see more than anything? They love seeing a big fat cat taken down by a regular person. And what could make them enjoy it even more if it was paired with doing good for the world's most vulnerable? Sick children, abused animals, victims of natural disasters.

Sick children, abused animals, victims of natural disasters. But how to combine these two concepts into one comedy plan to create and assassinate the world's first trillionaire. Thank you for including the word comedy. I give you this simple dunk tank, a staple of carnivals, fairs, circuses, and fets. The dunk tank allows a regular person the chance to hurl a ball at a target and soak the person on the hot seat now if you are a visual learner i have included a component for you because as we all know podcasts famously a visual medium yes oh my god whoa it's a diorama it is a diorama i love these. This is the forerunner, as far as I know, is face, Elon Musk. This is the target.

Keep that in your mind as we continue. I'm so sorry, I sneezed. That's okay. Thank you. The plot. We tell everyone, especially these fellow's employees, that Zucks, Musk, and Bezos have signed on to do a charity dunk tank event. All proceeds to benefit whatever charity seems likeliest to appeal to the people of that locale. Folks can buy tickets to have a shot at throwing a ball at a target and sinking the

billionaire of their choice. All proceeds go to charity. We even get buy-in from real major league and Olympic pitching talent, offering people a chance to buy a much more expensive ticket to have, say, Max Scherzer throw the ball for them. We run this scam in multiple international locales for maximum financial gain. The twist. The billionaires are never informed. When people show up and find out that their prepaid tickets have gotten them absolutely nothing in exchange for their hard-earned dollars, they get angry. They start demanding answers and they start looking for compensation. The ignition. We release the funds to the closest to a trillionaire guy, pushing him over the mark, and then we issue a press statement leaking the information that the charity money

was never given to those sick kids or displaced earthquake survivors, but instead was put inside the pockets of the newly minted trillionaire. The spark, the location of the trillionaire, is leaked. What comes next? A furious mob, once united in their goal to do good and have a chance at dunking a billionaire, now set upon the trillionaire, armed with the softballs and baseballs, and hey, cricket balls balls they would have used

at a charity dunk-a-thon event. Death by balling. The end. Stephanie, Stephanie. Dunk tank plan, can't you see? Really well structured. An author. Only an author could come up with something like that.

Do you know what I do when I'm trying to write a murder mystery, Tim? What's that? You go murder someone and then you go, how did I do it? I'm going to write it down. No, I write the ending first and work backwards. Ah. No, I don't know. I read that on Wikipedia.

I just find other people's ideas for books and write those. Our next contestant in this, the second date, is... Joss Hua. I think that's Joshua. Joshua. Well, I want to say I love what Will's laying down. I especially like the part about killing Elon Musk, which relates to my plan. I have a personal extreme dislike of him as a person beyond being a billionaire. His need to

be liked by the ironic detached 14 year olds on twitter.com really turns my stomach. I mean, say what you want about Bezos, but he keeps it professional. He's not clapping back with Pepe memes when people point out awful work conditions and so on. So, some of you may have heard, I don't know if you've heard this, some of his idiotic, gibbering fanbase have called Elon Musk the real-life Iron Man. I think this came about because Robert Downey Jr. did seek out Musk in preparation for his role as billionaire piece of shit Tony Stark. Of course, we can assume that Mr. Junior is not coming back to the role.

He's busy with his wildly successful Doolittle franchise. But the demands of... Are we all? I know, we're loving it. The demands of streaming services for surefire hits with built-in audiences has seen a lot of resurrections of old properties, old characters.

An example off the top of my head would be, you know, the ongoing adventures of Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, but not Samantha in HBO's And Just Like That. What I'm saying is, people only want things to go away long enough to miss them. So my elevator pitch is this. We cast Elon Musk as the new Iron Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Now, much like the MCU, my plan comes in phases. Phase one, the raising of the money. For the price of flights to LA, some business formal wear, and rented office space, we pose as slick Hollywood agents. We schmooze our way into contact with Mr. Musk, and we pitch the idea, and we'll represent him for an extremely competitive rate. Not ten, not five, I'm thinking three percent. Math will tell you that's one percent each.

We only really need to support ourselves and our images as agents, and the less that we take from him, the more stays in his pocket. We convince Mr. Musk to get us in contact with Kevin Feige, Kevin Feige? I forget. The mastermind producer of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. They know each other. I'm coming to that in a moment. And we make it sound like it's Elon's idea. You know, he's really excited to talk. We get them together. We wine and we dine them. We convince them this is a win-win and really an organic fit because, get this, Elon Musk is already canon in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. His meeting with Robert Downey Jr. resulted in a self-aggrandizing cameo in Iron Man 2 as himself. So he's already in the thing. We might as well

go whole hog with it. He's the new Iron Man. So we're very friendly in person, but when it comes to the contracts we're going to need to play hardball. Robert Downey Jr. made a reported $345 million from his various appearances. That only adds... that only makes his net worth go up about 0.35 of a billion. So we're going to need to, you know, find some extra revenue streams. So we're talking an executive producer credit, a cut of the box office, a bite of the sweetest plum merchandising. You know, any action figure with his bloated amphibious features,

we're getting a bit of that. And, you know, you think Sony's bad bad the way they put products in their films. The characters in our movies are not going to be able to move for Tesla products. Everything's going to have a Tesla on it. We're going to put Tesla on products they don't even make, you know, like a self-driving car that doesn't kill people. And I think we can justify all of this because he's not a Hollywood nobody. He's not some theater kid who had a few indie hits and got lucky. He's not even an actor. He's billionaire CEO Elon Musk.

We have that leverage. Now all of this serves to inflate his ego and his personal wealth. But of course Hollywood has only so much blood to give. So we move on to phase two. I'm getting through this as quickly as I can. As his trusted agents, we play the devil on his shoulder and say, hey, you know, playing Iron Man is all well and good, but why play Iron Man when you have the means to be Iron Man? We convince him to build a semi-functional Iron Man suit. Now, rather than dip into personal funds, we contact everybody's

friend, the US military. Again, a pre-existing relationship already is there. The US military gets script approval on any movie that Marvel wants to use their machines, their airspace, their logos for. Watching Captain Marvel was what the Simpsons call superliminal messaging, where they just shout at you the thing that they want, you know, join the Air Force! So in exchange for funding the suit, Elon's going to appear at USO shows, benefits, recruitment drives, and on his behalf we ask would it be all right if at some of these appearances we staged some fake crises for him to fight in the suit, you ask, would it be all right if at some of these appearances we staged some fake crises for him to fight in the suit, you know, show it in action? This is where we

begin telling two stories. We tell Elon, you're a hero, you actually saved that bus full of orphanages from crashing into the abandoned clown factory. While we tell the military, Elon's a great sport, always in character, such a performer. This drives a wedge between him and reality. There'll be a bit of planning to ensure he doesn't die or get himself or others killed, but the staged feats of superheroics make Elon think he is the invincible Iron Man, when really it's the equivalent of the Indiana Jones stunt show at Disney World. So between the Marvel movies, the military contracts, and the good publicity Tesla will

be getting, his personal wealth grows and his ego swells to the proportions that would shock Sigmund Freud. All we have to do is wait for him to cross the one trillion dollar mark, and we enter phase three, end game. We pick a natural disaster, which thanks to climate change, you know, we're gonna have our pick. We point it out to him and say, hey, you're Iron Man, the real Iron Man. Why don't you go punch that mega cyclone? I bet you could do it. We have this conversation, you know, in person because we're confidants and it leaves no digital footprint.

And what I think makes this really elegant, what makes this the perfect murder is that all we have to do to let him die is do nothing. You know, much like a parent who's holding onto the back of their child's bicycle till they find their competence and he quietly lets go. Elon is the child riding the bike and we're going to send him directly into traffic

off he goes with no behind the scenes support up against the primal forces of nature and it's the story of Icarus as the world mourns his tragic death we execute his will and I'm going to play George Clooney here and say here's what I didn't tell you for dramatic effect in phase two Elon signs anything we hand him He hasn't been reading anything in years. We slip documentation in, granting us power of attorney, and at a later date, a revised will, which on the event of his death, we follow to the letter and redistribute his wealth to all the people of the world, exactly as he would have wanted. Thank you. And I want to thank you for giving me the best plan of my life.

Thanks, Joshua. Bit of favoritism hitting in some Dido singing there, mate. I was just matching the circumstance to this song. Don't read anything into it. Your vote is yours. And you can vote by following the Google link in the show notes. I feel like we'd be good at running a telethon. Yeah.

If this other stuff doesn't pan out, I think you and I should be proficient. They should get us to do telethons We need to find a worthy cause Tim, what's your worthy cause? Kids, right? But they don't have bicycles It's so sad Yeah

Fuck We gotta get those kids some bikes, everybody Look, we've got one more in this Our fattest, biggest, horniest heat. Our fifth and final finalist in heat number two. I'm all fucking juiced up for this. All right, let's go. Gentlemen, tuck your erections into your belts.

It's time to hear from Oli. Okay, well, thank you very much. okay well thank you very much um so my idea just you know at the start it's slightly more focused on the killing of the billy of the trillionaire as opposed to the getting them to it because the thing is they're so close anyway they'll probably get there by themselves really i'll allow it okay so the first step um go on this really great indie website called Amazon and basically order a load of stuff that you could use to dress yourself up as an alien and film an incredibly convincing home film about how you live on Mercury and how you'd love to meet Jeffrey Bezos.

We sent rovers to the moon and Mars and stuff, but we haven't really focused on Mercury very much. So we don't really know anything about it. We don't know if there's any aliens there or not. And he'll be so easily convinced because, you know, massively, it'll be like, oh, I want to be the first to go to Mercury, not just Mars. Because if you said you were from Mars, you wouldn't be able to get away with that you just go oh no mars is like right next door mate we can see there's no life on there so obviously you go from mercury a bit further away

um and you also need to make sure that you really want to meet lance armstrong and be sure to like give the impression that you're totally unaware of any of his controversies um and the reason for this is because Mercury do get a great signal of Earth TV but it's about 15 years behind so basically we're thinking 2007. You know, they're thinking he's a great champion. And they also think that they met his uncle. This is you pretending to be the alien, thinking that you met his uncle back in 69. Because they were just on like a little trip to our moon.

It was like a little holiday for the summer. And they just happened to meet him. So they're like, oh, that's that guy's nephew. He's a great guy. So this will be the first contact with alien life. So Jeffrey will be right on that. And it will

be like, oh yeah, we'll do whatever the alien wants. Won't even give it a second thought. Straight to Mercury guy. Eventually. Yeah. And so basically he'll be pouring all these resources into it and you'll get a combination of unwavering support from world governments and also amazon continuing continuing their current profit margins um and you know

as they continue to absolutely kill it during the pandemic no pun intended uh they'll easily get over that trillion mark and then over the preceding months you know to build the rocket i reckon it can't take more than a year um you basically donate as much money as you can to the live strong charity and you know as much as you can like mortgage houses sell your money as you can to the Livestrong charity. And, you know, as much as you can. Like mortgage houses, sell your body if you have to. Just donate as much money as possible to the charity.

And Lance will be so grateful that he'll want to get in direct contact with you. And basically, the importance of this is that you need to communicate to Lance that he needs to bring some of his own fuel on the mission with him. You've donated so much money to him. He's like, oh, this guy's a decent bloke. He must be trying to help me out here. So he'll obviously do it. And he'll bring a fridge full of oxygenated fuel on the mission with him. Obviously, with a mission like know, obviously, you know,

with a mission like this, infinite number of risks right from the beginning. So chances are, Jeffrey could just be dead on takeoff. But let's assume they make it into space. Yeah. You know, it gets to launch day and Lance has brought his fridge full of oxygenated fuel

and Jeffrey greets him, you know, launch day and Lance has brought his fridge full of oxygenated fuel and Jeffrey greets him you know as if one would someone who's brought a bottle of wine to a dinner party oh that's so kind of you Lance can you just put it over there please so they're closing on a Mercury and they need to make one last refill on the fuel and Lance is a bit disappointed at this point he's like, oh we haven't used any of my fuel yet can we use a bit of my fuel

and Geoffrey's like, oh go on then puts on that winning smile he has, you know, stick it in there lad famous smile and it's a great smile the laugh as well, to go with it I reckon it's a great smile. The laugh as well, to go with it, I reckon.

It's a classic. Very comforting sight. And so basically this oxygenated fuel causes the ship to go much faster than they had calculated. At this point the ship is too fast to control and it just goes right past Mercury and straight into the sun and it's almost sort of poetic if you you know see acquiring a trillion dollars as flying too close to the sun nice then you could lose that you fly into the sun so not not at all inspired by turtles and uh that is my pitch this This Greek man keeps coming up. Icarus.

Icarus. We could learn a lot from Icarus. I think people forget about Icarus. Because he had wax wings. No, he flew real high. Everyone focuses on when he fucked out. But before that happened, he was doing well. A lot better than anyone else.

A lot better than any of you lot. Yeah. Hey, lay off. You got that near the sun. Anyway, look, Ollie's pitch, wasn't it so good? It was gorgeous. And the fifth of five, our second heat is drawn to a close. And that means it's time to get your mouses ready

and your clicking finger real nice and hot so who's it going to be listener will it be patricia the underwater steampunk assassin will it be stephanie with her dastardly dunk tank plan will it be joshua what have i written here musk iron man suit that's right so become the iron man yes let's get him in the MCU and kill him. Or will it be Ollie with his Mars Armstrong plot? And do not forget about Harley with their weed and acid infused. Harley was on the first page that I wasn't looking at. He's folding it up all different.

Don't worry about it. You guys. Harley got me good too because of the contractual thing that we accidentally stepped on. That's right. I wasn't looking at he's folding it up all different don't worry about it you guys Harley got me good too because of the contractual thing that we accidentally stepped over the line with we got our asses handed to us

anyhow thank you so much for watching or if you're on Substack or listening if you're on your phone you know on a podcast

you can be on Substack on your phone okay they've got that now you can do whatever you want vote it's time to vote yeah and we're gonna be back really soon with the third Sub stack on your phone. Okay. They've got that now. You can do whatever you want. Vote. It's time to vote.

Yeah, and we're going to be back really soon with the third and final heat. One more beer. One more beer. One more beer. One more heat. It's the third heat coming up after these messages.