The Worst Idea Of All Time - Killionaire TV: Winners Circle Heat 3

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

A video version of this episode is available at twioat.substack.comVOTE NOW: https://forms.gle/7UMhQ3ctVpNkkwgS6Our final heat has Ben v Julian v Jo v Samantha. The invention of a human centrillionaire is floated, a reality TV game show with a trap door is commissioned, a space podcast empire is proposed and an underwater treasure hunt is mooted. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We're back! It's heat number three of three for this, the first and only season we will ever do of Killionaire TV. Our quest to find the perfect plan to make a billionaire a trillionaire and a trillionaire dead as a doornail. That is right. Thank you so much for rejoining me in this um ordinary building perfectly normal guys we got four final finalists one of

them will be advancing to the grand final against the previous two winners of the previous two heaters they go head to head to head and we find winner, who will hold a sweet little voucher for Amazon and a challenge coin. Tim? I forgot about the challenge coin. I'll try to get on to that. Do you like to dilly dally? I love it. Okay.

It's my favorite. You're in the wrong place because there's no time to dilly dally. No, let's dilly dally just a little bit because it's my favorite thing to do. What's your favorite color? Do you know, it's odd. I really think it's green. But do you want to say a different colour to green?

I just think green gets a pretty short shrift. Favourite number? 33 has been doing a lot for me lately Contestant number one In this third and final heat is Ben Let's check him out

I'm wondering if you guys paired us up For a reason, you'll see why Okay, well Please, Ben, whenever you're ready I'm just saying I'm glad I have this printed out as evidence for some lateral thinking. Oh, my God. I have a few tenets that I try to live by, and one of them is if there's an activity that kills rich people, don't do it. I figure they have the top-of-the-line version of whatever that thing is and still died,

so whatever hand-me-down version I end up using doesn't stand a chance. whatever that thing is, and still died. So whatever hand-me-down version I end up using doesn't stand a chance. This put me in the unique position to know offhandedly when I saw the call for pitches to know a foolproof way to fake the deaths of some of these bozos. Helicopters. Rich people seem to absolutely love dying in helicopter crashes. So much so that at this point, I doubt anyone is even investigating them. So what we'll need is we're going to have to fake the crashes of seven multi-billionaires.

We'll start with the top six, and I'm going to admit here, some of these guys are somehow not name-brand millionaires. Who the hell are Bernard Arnold, Larry Page, and Larry Ellison? Larry Page is the Google guy, actually. Larry Ellison. Oh, shit. I got them. He's the boat oracle guy. They're both Larry Google guy, actually. Larry Ellison. Oh, shit. I got them. He's the boat oracle guy. They're both Larry, and they're both pieces of shit.

I mixed up my billionaire Larrys. But don't worry. We've got Musk in there, Bezos, Gates. They're still part of the six. They're combined wealth, according to my sources, at the time, and this does keep changing, and I'm not disparaging Dana's numbers at all. They're probably both accurate. It's just under a trillion

dollars. But instead of adding the seventh richest person, Warren Buffett, he's gonna die soon anyway, so we'll toss Zuckerberg in there for that famous Zuck spice. Now once we've faked the helicopter crashes, we're gonna have to kidnap them and bring them all back to some sort of secure facility.

I've worked in a ton of warehouses, and trust me, America is lousy with empty warehouse space. Here's where things get a bit grisly. It's human centipede time. Okay. Yeah. I feel like we go in reverse order, musk in the back, zuck in the front,

but I'm open to suggestions. I'm not going to die on that hill. Once these rich dickheads are one single living entity, guess what? So is their money. Boom. World's first trillionaire. And I also have a comment about the wives. Once again, we don't have to worry about them getting inheritance because they're now all

guilty of polyamory. They're all off in jail. Not a problem. You go to jail for that? In the US? I don't know what they're doing down there but we're pretty much we're jailing people who are into polyamory polygamy I'm sorry not polygamy yeah

I misspoke I misspoke being please continue ignore us yes so we'll probably need to reveal their existence to the press in order for the accounting to all get squared away. But I feel like everyone in the world wants this, so I don't foresee a lot of pushback. And then we can even toss out in the press release something about merging their assets just to give those. They're not creative. They want a catchy headline.

That's going to appeal to Tim. Delete that up. And now is the fun part well what to do we haven't already had that wasn't the fun part hey you know you pick your poison but uh what are these fellows all seem to love more than anything specifically that's right pretending to go to space so what should we give them the ground a shitload of it we'll fly our creation out to mermanks russia and place it ever so gently in the bottom of what is currently the largest hole ever dug now that our human centrillionaire is seven kilometers below the earth's surface we have

some options i think we make a holiday out of it every year on a date of our choosing we all as in the whole earth, go out to the Kola Peninsula and toss some trash in the hole. It'll slowly fill up, we'll get rid of some trash, it'll take centuries, it'll bring us all together as a species, and it will serve as a reminder that having over a billion dollars is an inherently evil act

and will be treated as such. Thus concludes my pitch. Well, I'm from Texas, and I like to see billionaires eat each other's assholes in a big hole. Oh, no. Yep, that's me. Well, I'm an oil baron. Different strikes for different folks.

And so on and so forth, and scooby-dooby-doo-wah. We've got to live together who's next that's a good question and one I wish I had top of mind but the correct answer would actually be Julian Julian

Julian I don't know the lyrics do you know what song I'm singing it's Julian by the Beatles. But I said Julian. Okay. So my idea is pretty simple.

And it's for you guys to host a TV slash survival show that is reminiscent of the movie The Hunger Games. So we can talk a little bit about what the style exactly is, but the premise, as I'm sure you know, is there's 10 participants and these participants will be the world's 10 top billionaires, which I have a list here of. So their names are Elon Musk, Bernard Arnault, Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Larry Page, Warren Buffett, Larry Ellison, Sergey Brin, Mark Zuckerberg, and Steve Ballmer.

Balmer. And the idea behind this thing is like, whoever wins or effectively kills another billionaire inherits the riches of that billionaire that they've killed. Also, they inherit the riches of anyone

who... the riches of any billionaires whose that billionaire has killed. So effectively, at the end of this Hunger Games type of enterprise, you have one very rich person who is over the trillion dollar mark by quite a bit. It's about $1,394,000,000,000, according to my calculations. That'd be sitting pretty. I would also

like to say, I think this will be very exciting for the world to watch. I think this should be heavily televised. And as I said earlier, I think you should host this show as part of the Kellyner TV thing. And

as an added bonus, you can like pitch this almost as a Super Bowl type of event that everyone wants to watch. So there's some added money from the ad revenue that's going to come out of this. Now, I'll be completely honest with you. I did a little bit of research on this. And the ad money that's going to come from that is not going to even scratch at the trillion dollar thing. These

people are very rich. They're very rich. So it's not going to make even like one billion dollar difference, but you know, it's like a little bit of extra money there so maybe maybe they're interested in that now um as i said at the end of of this uh uh show reality tv show of sorts uh you have a winner and that winner will be crowned in a podium and here's the beautiful part um as part of this pitch, in the podium, as they're being crowned the world's first trillionaire, surprise, trapdoor. Okay, classic. Classic, classic. And then you're already rid of that.

You obviously signed some contracts in advance so that all the money goes straight to you. That's it. Ding dong, bitch, I'm back. I mean, there's always going to be a special place reserved for our first visibly hammered contestant. To be able to drink as much booze as Julian clearly did and get in the winner's circle is pretty, you know, impressive. It's legendary.

I'm pretty sure he did that in the middle of a hosting a dinner party. Absolutely. Listeners will remember because you've recently heard it, but he dipped from his own dinner party that he hosted at his house to join us. Style points aplenty. Pretty good. We've got two more in our third heat. Two more contestants who may or may not advance to the grand final.

Remember, if you want to vote, you can. Yes. By going to the show notes and following the Google link. I want to say our operators are standing by. And I guess in this case, that would be whatever algorithm governs Google forms. And you can participate. Our operators are standing by. You want to know who's next?

I'd love to. Well, I'll tell you. It's a simple name. It can be spelt with three letters, but why use three when two will do? Kim! It's Joe. It's Joe.

Okay, so for my scheme to get someone to be a trillionaire, the Frosty fellas are going to space. So I'm looking at Jeff Bezos here and his Blue Origin Space Tourism Company. And we're going to push that over the trillion dollar mark. So I see you guys as trendsetters, really. I mean, it's quite a few years ago now. We started a little podcast called the worst idea of all time and now 2022 everyone's got a podcast coincidence i don't think so

so you guys start a trend you get the patreons behind you and get your first ticket and you record a podcast in space and then everyone's doing it you know you're such trendsetters so this is a big boost to the space tourism economy there's you know hundreds thousands of these a year now and that's that's gonna push bezos over the edge into being the world's first trillionaire and then the assassination plot kind of goes hand in hand because then he's so delighted at being the world's first trillionaire that he decides to throw a party in space. And the Frosty fellas are the guests of honour

because you kind of started the whole trend off. You got him there. So he's grateful. So you have a really nice party in space. It's very exciting. You're all in a room slash capsule together or whatever it is. And then you guys decide to present, as the world's first trillionaire, you decide to present him with a trillionaire's award. And this is a beautiful award. it's quite a sort of spiky sharp kind of glass steel design to the award right it looks lovely but it's you know it's quite pointy and also dipped in an

undetectable poison so as you are presenting the award to bez, you sort of just nick his hand a little bit as you're handing it over. And then you sort of pile on the Kiwi apologies like, oh, so sorry, like, didn't mean to. And he's like, you know, no worries. You all get on with the party. Everyone said have a good time. You carry on. Through the course of the evening, he seems to be sort of stumbling about a bit slurring everyone's just like he's excited he's the world's first trillionaire he's just having

a good time no worries and then yeah also you're in space i mean whose jurisdiction is that under nobody's so no worries there and, by the time you get back down to Earth, Bezos is defeated, money's transferred to you, and you can ride off into the sunset and grab a coffee with Coffee Guy. Think of your next diabolical

plan. Hey, Joe! I heard you shot Jeff Bezos down. Shot him down. Like Jimi Hendrix. Thanks Joe. Always good to hear from someone with a short first name.

As two short first name people ourselves, we get it. Who are you calling short? I knew I should have got on an Apple box for this. Did you ever get called Timothy? Did you? It is my legal name. So I guess in a way, yes. And in another way, no.

Did Zoe ever call you Timothy? No. Never? No. Doesn't happen. I bet you when Remy grows up, he'll learn to call you Timothy to antagonize you. And our last contestant coming after Joe's fantastic space adventures with a little pointy implement to really fucking get that poison in deep.

We are going to hear from, you'll remember, slightly cursed. Yeah, and you'll also remember her from the Sex and the City franchise. It's not the same one. It's Samantha. You sex in the city franchise it's not the same one it's cement you keep getting this wrong it's not the same one samantha jones so my pitch for how to elevate uh the world's two most wealthiest billionaire men to the status of trillionaire at which point we can then take all of that money and distribute it to people who would use it for simple things like food and health care would be to pit the egos of jess bezos and elon musk against one another in a race to the bottom of the ocean in separate submersibles in order for them to recoup a massive spanish galleon's worth of gold silver and jewels from a ship that sunk off the

coast of cartagena in 1708 it was english uh ships fighting spanish over the rights to continue to colonize and extract mineral wealth from Central and South America. The Spanish ship sunk completely and the treasure has never been recovered. It's long been storied and rumored that there is a vast well sitting at the bottom of the Caribbean Sea and a few years ago using like radar technology the ship has been located. It's also been confirmed to be this exact Spanish galleon the San Jose because it has these very unique runner cannons that were along the gunnels that look like dolphins. It's estimated to contain $14.43 billion in current U.S. currency. And my idea is to have Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk each get a submersible that can travel

about 40 meters per second. So getting down to the ocean floor in that area is about two hours and then with attached scooper arms collect as much up of this treasure out of this sunken ship and surface with it they will go down over the course of a week it will be a regatta and then every day the amount of treasure that. It'll be a regatta. And then every day, the amount of treasure that they collect will be weighed in value. While this is happening, we will be running bets on how much of this treasure that they can bring up per day and who will be the winner overall. We will be offering traditional betting in Las Vegas. We will also be offering some form of cryptocurrency and NFT-based betting that they can get a part of, a slice of that treasure right away, which will further drive them to gather the most treasure, gather the most treasure. We can also offset costs of sending them up and down since smurfs are expensive by putting

corporate sponsorship on the side of these vehicles. And then on the very last day, when they have scraped up as much treasure as they can, we will simply hit a kill switch and then their vehicles will never come back up. Oh, and we

can take all of the money and return it to um like indigenous and people uh who were brought over uh forcibly in central and south america call it what it is samantha drowning people yeah yeah yeah you can put a lot of flashy lights and signs and makeup and sound effects and lighting and computer-generated imagery on top of the green screens. All manner of shit. You know. At the end of the day, you're just drowning some people. Listen, here's who we've got in this final heat.

We've got Ben, where we've got to fake a helicopter crash in pursuit of creating a... Can I use a word to describe Ben's voice? Human Centrillionaire. Sonorous. It's a good word. It's a two dollar word. S-O-N-O-R-O-U-S.

Julian with his Billionaire Battle Royale plan where they'll have to face off against each other and then inherit their vanquished enemy's assets. We've got Joe, who called us trendsetters. Yeah. Very cool. Thought we should go to space, start a trend.

And then stabbed someone, but worth, not just anyone, Jeff Bezos specifically, with a poisoned, stabby trophy. And then Samantha, of course, suggesting that we find a trove of underwater jewels. Dating back to the early 18th century. And encourage our already wealthy billionaires to pursue collecting them in the hopes of having the most money. Just like Captain Planet, the power is yours

because you get to choose via the magic of a Google form of which there is a link to in the show notes of this episode. Get in there, have a good fucking crack in the air and pick your favourite and then we're going to have a final which will feature head to head to head our three top competitors, the winner from each of the three heats. They're either going to expound on what they've already said or come in with something

fresh but either way we're going to come up with something incredible and we're going to take care of business. Thank you so much to everyone who took part in our Killianair TV show so far and to everyone who's listened and to everyone who's voting right now and thanks to Tim as well

and thanks to Guy also this is Tim and Guy and I'd just like to thank all of the billionaires who inspired the idea in the first place. Thank you to all our competitors and thank you to all our billionaires and thank you to you for listening and God willing voting Democracy

This is Democracy Manifest.