The Worst Idea Of All Time - Little Empire Lolly Scramble

Episode Date: January 12, 2017

Hello listener! We hope you've had a happy new year and are looking forward to bringing you more Worst Idea for 2017 but for right now, here's a sample of some of the other shows you may not have heard yet... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everybody, it's Tim here, the Little Emperor himself. I'm sorry that there hasn't been a regular podcast episode for a little while. It turns out that everyone's been on vacation or holiday, depending on where you're listening to this from, and most of the people on the network have gone overseas. They've abandoned ship for a little while. So I thought that I would take this opportunity to show you some of the other shows that we've got on the Little Empire Network and see if you like any of them. You hear a little trailer at the end of all of the shows that we've got, but I thought I'd give you more of an extended cut, introduce you to the hosts a little bit.

We've got a really cool bunch of stuff planned for later in the year, for 2017. There's a few new shows that are going to be launching. We're building more stuff on the website. Right now we're building an email list so you guys can sign up and stay up to date with what's happening. And we'll be doing regular competitions and giveaways and exclusive content through the email list as well. So you can sign up to that at littleempirepodcast.com

and there's a button on there that you click just on that front page. And don't worry about it being all spammy and junky and overwhelming um i am the first person to avoid that at all costs i hate that shit clutters up your inbox um this would be at least when it starts once every fortnight and you can obviously subscribe super easily at any time so it's not going to be like a everyday um junk fest so the the first party that you might not have heard that I want to show you guys is the Male Gays, G-A-Y-Z, if you're looking for it online. And this is hosted by two fantastic, very funny dudes from New Zealand, Chris Parker and Eli Matheson.

In the show, they discuss what it's like being gay. They swap stories about coming out. They chat about LBGTQI issues and here's a little piece of a recent episode they did about Christmas and coming out. Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay

Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Like, they didn't have time to change the presents to gay. Yeah. But we don't have time. Can we, like, paint them or cover them in glitter? We need a quick edit. Everything I've got, like, dipped half in glitter. Socks and Lynx deodorant kit sets and stuff.

I get so many body gel sets for Christmas. That's the only bit where I'm like, you don't know I'm gay yet or something. Oh, the one year I got a set of, like, hand lotions. I was like, you know I'm gay. But like, what's all this creams? It's so like, oh, we don't know what to get, Chris. And they're giving me like a shower gel kit set. That stuff's perfect, though.

That's what I want. I want socks. I want bath bombs this year, family, if you're listening. Because we've got a bath in my new house. And I haven't used it yet. And I can't bloody wait. And I want scented candles. I've got a bath bomb waiting at home for me oh i love a good bath bomb nice

uh my sister got me anyway this the first christmas my first gay christmas she got me a mug um it's like a quite big mug and you uh when it was um normal it was just a whole bunch of closet doors and then when you poured hot water on it the closet doors faded away and it was uh gay figures from history coming out of the closet an amazing mug that's kind of genius though like yeah that's not that's a spin like that's bang on the money in terms of, like, you're gay this year, which is kind of funny. This is fun. Versus ones that are like, ooh, we got you this, like, walking cane and cape, you know? They're like, you're a bit of a dandy, aren't you?

I'm always getting, like, bow tie memorabilia or stuff like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm always getting, like, fruity shirts from my mum as well, like, kind of like, because I wear a of color but i'm not i'm never wearing like big flowers you know but i'm always like i'm always getting like a sort of fun shirt i'm fun shit chris you know yeah but um but this year i think everyone's like i think chris just wants skincare which i'm like oh that's great this is a dream come true yeah that's what i want family if you're listening i want like a little eye roller um i love this term my first gay christmas i'm having my first um i bring my boyfriend to my family christmas this year yeah that's my first kind of like serious gay christmas wow um and he's he's a part of the kind of christmas swapping

thing bringing partners to christmas family christmas is such a big ordeal i don't really know how i'm going to deal with this but sort of slowly and I'll breathe through it, I guess. Yeah. But it's because it's such a like adult thing to do, isn't it? Yeah, totally. Do you have any weird Christmas traditions in your family? Recently, one of my sisters lives in London and this is like, right now speaking about it,

I'm experiencing an intense amount of dread. We Skype my sister and her boyfriend in London and have one of those group Skype calls where like 10 of us are in the same room talking to them. And it's a true nightmare. And then my dad sets up his camera on a tripod on an automatic timer. We all stand around the TV and we get a family photo with them. Skype through on TV. It is cute but also technology is a nightmare yeah we've got a very weird christmas tradition in our family so when i was

six my granddad passed away he was an old man and we would visit the grave we visited the grave on christmas day whoa and the whole family would drive and we've been doing that every year yeah we would visit the grave. We visited the grave on Christmas Day. Whoa. And the whole family would drive. And we've been doing that every year since. And he died in 1996. So, like, almost a bit too long we've been doing that. Yeah. And what happens is we walk to the grave with my grandma. We all stand around in a circle holding hands.

All, like, there's, like, 15 of us, because it's my extended family as well and we sing we wish you a merry christmas to the grave and we talk to the grave as if it's him so we're like hi billy and we always go oh you're a bit hairy on your chest this year which is like the grass on the so that's cute it's we're all would you say if the grass was well-grown would you be like oh we'd be manscaping i love it granddad it's just weird because we're all too kind of it was cute when we were kids but now uh none of us are under the age of 19 yeah so we're all too old for it no 20 my sister's 20 so we're all so last year though oh my god it's so weird my grandma's getting on a bit now she

can't really like doesn't have the same mobility she used to have she's 19 bless her oh and we um were walking we were walking to the grave to billy's grave and she was taking a bit of time getting over the grass and stuff and she's like i don't think mom was like i don't think hanty's gonna be able to get to billy's grave because it's just too far away and she just can't walk so mom was like okay look I'll tell you what we're all just going to get around this person's grave so we got around a stranger's grave and mum's like we'll just pretend it's Billy it doesn't matter and so we all held hands around this person like random like John's grave and we sung him we wish you a merry Christmas while looking into the distance to our actual grandfather's grave,

which was like another sort of five meters to the left. Oh, my goodness. And we're like, sorry, it's just too far this year. And then we just talked to this other man's grave. I was like, we've got to stop this tradition immediately. Imagine if his Bill's family came up and found 15 people they don't know. Holding hands in a circle, swinging their arms, singing at him. Oh.

Okay, so once again, that is Male Gaze. G-A-Y-Z, or Zed, Americans. You can go and subscribe to that wherever you get podcasts. Next one I want to show everyone is Boners of the Heart, hosted by Alice Sneddon and Rose Matafayo. And quick shout-out to Rose. She just got named by The Guardian in a piece called 20 Talents to Take 2017 by Storm.

There wasn't even just exclusively comedy. There was a bunch of musicians in there. Rose got named. Very cool and very deserving as well. She's super funny, super bright. Boners of the Heart is probably the most ruthless show that we've got on the network. Essentially, Alice and Rose are just swapping inappropriate,

some appropriate, some inappropriate celebrity crushes that they have. And in this episode, the special theme was sitcom dads. And you're going to be diving into the middle of a rapid fire round of hot or not homer simpson yeah hot flanders even hotter Homer Simpson Yeah, hot Flanders Even hotter

Paul Hennessy What's that from? You gotta pause the game Okay, pause From 8 Simple Rules Oh, well yes, hot But R.I.P. as well Rose, you have to unpause the game when you want to deliver your

fucking house unpause r.i. Alan Thicke. Hot. Ugh, you're a monster. You're a monster. You can't take that back. His head's so square. You can't take it back. Don't talk unless you're full as the game. He's better than Robin.

Ugh, God, they're both terrible. God damn it. Hal Wilkinson, played by Brian Cranston. Oh, so hot. He'd do such freaky shit in the bedroom. Fuck, he's hot. He's so fucking hot. I was just about to say, shit, they're hot.

There's something about them where it's like, they're just naturally, they've got a sexual chemistry. They have such a chemistry. I mean, opening scene, ep one, S one, Malcolm in the middle. She's shaving, they're shaving each other in the living room, in the kitchen. That's fucking dope. I mean, what a sex positive family. So sick.

I feel like they're both the kind of people who would like exercise and then not worry about showering before they like ate each other out al bundy al bundy hot and philip banks from fresh prince you know what i i have a yeah i have a strong opinion about this too he's fucking hot he's dope bro he's hot i mean when he tells will off i'm into it big time when he tells will off i mean i'm yeah it's authoritative oh baby and like fuck man like he must be i mean he's got aunt viv is is a hottie he must you know both aunt vivs were. Both Aunt Vibs were hotties. Both Aunt Vibs were hotties, yes.

I'd say first Aunt Viv was hotter, but. Yeah, but I don't want to compare two women. That's your kind of thing. Okay, can I chuck in some crazy ones? Were you going by the BuzzFeed list of 45 greatest TV dads of all time? No, I was going IMDB. A mixture of lists, mixture actually i curated mine oh that's nice because i was um i was just going through this one just before the podcast a little

bit of you know a little bit of refresh refreshing um and it's fucking tense because it was it was written in 2014 and i scrolled to the bottom and the bottom is Bill Cosby with a gif of him. Oh, my God. BuzzFeed is on the hit list. We've got to make a call, though, hot or not. Oh, fuck you. I'm just saying you've got to make a call. You've got to make a call.

And, you know, at all times it should be not. Okay, so here's some interesting ones ones Can I do the same to you? Please and have you got any rules to your game? No rules apart from I mean I don't want you to pause and unpause Okay well my safe word's gonna be Red leather Okay that sounds good

Whatever you need to get through this Frank Costanza Played by Jerry Stiller okay that sounds good whatever you need to get through this um frank costanza played by jerry stiller oh hot hot hot totally i agree i absolutely agree yeah even when he's talking about his prostate problems i'm into it yeah michael kyle from my wife and kids played by damon controversially not Controversially, not hot. Yeah, interestingly, I think not hot only because he's quite a selfish character. Yeah, I agree. A lot of the time.

Yeah. Okay, Phil Dunphy from Modern Family. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Nice brow. He's so fucking hot. He's so hot. Yeah.

Great brow. And just like great character. He's so hot. Yeah. Great brow. And just like great character. What a good dad. A real good dad. And an even better daddy. Oh, Jesus Christ. Dick Van Dyke from the Dick Van Dyke show. Yeah.

I love a man who can dance. Dick Van Dyke is so attractive. Yeah. I would still, I would, I'm'm gonna go out on a limb and say i would bang current day dick van dyke like 100 100 he's like 80 something 89 or some something like that i'll check i'll check should i check it I'm just looking up his age right this second. Okay. He's 90 years old. I would, if it didn't kill him, I would do it.

What about if it killed him, but you knew that that's what he wanted? I'd do it for him. Yeah, good for you. Good for you. I'd do it. And then I'd sing Hush by Mountain to him as he just drifted off. Oh, fucking hell. While I was. Oh, my God. I'd do it and then I'd sing Hushabye Mountain to him as he just drifted off oh Jesus imagine him dying while he's inside of you oh god let's move on okay okay this is a good one and a real one that I forgot about and I was like damn he's hot is Marty Crane Frasier Crane's father in Frasier oh yes, yes, you're right.

Walking stick be damned, eh? He's got something something. Walking stick be good. I mean, it enhances his hotness of anything. Because he always has to sit down on a chair, which I enjoy sitting down on chairs as well. So it'll work for me. Yeah, I enjoy sitting down also.

I'm not a big fan of standing. No, neither. my legs get sore so once again that show is boners of the heart next up is my podcast with guy montgomery called the worst idea of all time which is where this whole network idea kind of started from um two and a half years ago now i think oh no two years ago it doesn't matter um this is a show where guy and i watch and review one movie once a week every week for a year the movie never changes for that whole 52 week period we did a whole year of grown-ups too then we did sex in the city too and now we're hopefully doing our final season right now uh of we are your friends um i say hopefully because i

we did make certain promises that if they make another Sex and the City or Grown Ups movie, that we'd be committed to doing that, but look, that's not important right now. It's a stupid idea, we've been going for far too long, and as you're about to hear, Guy and I have pretty much lost our minds, but this is the worst idea of all time.

Enjoy. You're going to play that dastardly intro again. Try, try, try, try, try, try, try. Ow! This movie's still fine. There's a colleague, a pastor. One of the guys that goes screw. One of them's a hottie. His name is Jay. One of them looks like Johnny Depp. And his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph.

I agree. Ah! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. I know very little about anything, though. Well, you know a lot about We Are Your Friends. You've seen it 25 times. I would say I know probably the second most in the world. No, I don't think that.

Here's the weird thing. I didn't think this about Grown Ups 2, but I think there's people, editors, people who worked on the film who have seen it more than we have now. And I don't think anyone saw Grown Ups 2 25 times, even in the editing suite. I feel like they got delivered their dailies, which was exactly, it was like two takes of everything and no bonus scenes. It was just exactly what needed to be there. There was a famous director who did that.

I can't remember who it was, but he famously kind of undershot. Stanley Kubrick. it kubrick he would shoot uh the exact only the exact amount of footage so that they couldn't fuck with his edit yeah grown-ups too i don't think that they were exercising the same like you know yeah they were i feel like that was just like they just turned in everything and that was the extent of their interest or investment yeah it's it's kind of it's the same different means to the same end what no in some ways it's the same uh methodology to a very different end so when you have a masterpiece by virtue of your own restriction on your creativity and the uh discipline that you have to apply to yourself and on the other

um you really want to play basketball, so fuck shooting that afternoon and all your friends are around. Yeah. And to be honest, the second one sounds way better. Doesn't it? Do you want to concentrate really hard on a hard thing, or do you want to, I don't know, just play basketball with Hall of fame basketball

player shaquille o'neal and your friends and before you answer you will make a hundred million dollars either way it doesn't matter what you pick you're gonna make a hundred million dollars yeah you want to make a hundred million dollars from struggling against yourself arguably the most difficult challenge of all or do you want to to make $100 million for having as much fun as possible? Yeah, when you put it like that. It's easy to see how there are more Sandlers than Kubricks

in the world. Isn't it just? Where do you think that We Are Your Friends fits on that spectrum? From Stanley Kubrick to Adam Sandler, where is Maximum Joseph? Maximum Joseph is present-day Sandler

against Kubrick's oeuvre. Yeah. Yeah, he definitely skews Kubrick just because... There's sort of another axis, isn't there, that we need for this graph. And this comes back to the central uh point of difference with where are your friends to either section city tour grown-ups too is that um those films

were flashy and uh very lazy and careless and cynical i think it would be fair to say like you know adam sandler's friends had a lot of fun making their money but it's like to your fan base, it's a pretty, it's not a very considerate way of going about the movie-making process. Whereas this is like different in that it doesn't display any of those things. It's just an earnest attempt at filmmaking

which hasn't come off perfectly. And accordingly, that would mean Maximum Joseph uh more along the lines of having um max like creating a maximum level art project rather than having maximum level fun with his mates so thus more kubrick probably like on the scale of kubrick toler, he's, I don't know, Sandler being zero, Kubrick being 100, he's 60. And, okay, so what we need is another axis. So it's like that's our X axis, right? Yeah.

We need a Y axis, which I feel like is Steven Spielberg is at one end of the spectrum and Tommy Wiseau is at the other. Oh, nice. Nice, dude. Great job. You've really got a lot of room to place people in areas now. Yeah. So within that 2D space, we've got, if you think of, this is a lot to mentally mind map if you're out for a run or just listening to this podcast casually.

I want you to stop doing that. I want you to listen hard and figure this out in your head how this map looks, this graph. I want you to visually put this in your mind's eye. Along the X axis, Maximum Joseph is zero. Stanley Kubrick is 100. Upon the Y axis, that is the vertical line on a graph, Tommy Wiseau is zero and 100 is Steven Spielberg.

Now, Maximum Joseph is positioned at 75 on the X. Yeah? And 30% on the Y. So, 70% towards Kubrick. On the right, yep. And only 30% up.

Towards Spielberg. You got it. Where I think they made a huge misstep, and we talked about this today, Tim, is if they could have got a full boner Zac Efron scene, I think things would have come out very different. Yeah. Once you have an acclaimed star of whatever realm,

which Zac Efron clearly is. Massive star. Celebrated star. Once he gets his erect penis out, that is an art film. You can't deny the authenticity of it. You cannot deny its art. The beauty of it,

it's almost irony, is that the nickname for Zac efron's erect penis is box office gold so it is only through using box office gold that you can access maximum art so once again that is my show with guy montgomery the worst idea of all time the next party for you all to sample is Walkout Boys. Now, this show is hosted by Nick Sampson and Joseph Moore, both very funny comedians and TV writers, and they used to do a show called Cheap Tuesday.

In this kind of new updated version of it, they go to a big recent release movie at the cinema, and then they have to walk out at the halfway point. They only get to see the first half of the movie so the podcast is a review of the first half that they've seen and then a guess at what happens in the second half sometimes that having to leave it halfway is a blessing sometimes it's the most annoying thing imaginable but here is a piece of a recent episode where the guys went to the animated feature sing which sounds ridiculous here's nick

and joe from walkout boys that's right we're the walkout boys welcome to walkout boys the podcast where myself nick sampson and me joseph mo, go see a brand new release film at the cinema and then leave exactly halfway through it. And then we try and guess what happens in the second half of the movie that we didn't see. Let's talk about it. It's time to take its toll, Nick. Last week we went to see Star Wars. Yes. And then I went to see it again.

And I didn't like it when I saw half of it. And then when I saw the whole thing, I did like it. So what you've... I think that... Your findings from the past 20-odd weeks are that movies are better if you've seen the end. No, I think... But I just... I instantly disconnect from the films I see half of.

Because I know I'll never see how they end. So I don't care for anyone. And I don't wish to emote their stories. Do you find that? Yes, definitely. And I also found I watched Green Room just not for the podcast. Wow. A self-move. Yeah.

And I got to over halfway and then I had to go off and do something. And then in my mind, I was like, well, I've seen that movie. But really, I did not. So let's talk about Sing. It's actually quite a complicated story. Should we try and explain? Okay, yeah. The film is like a sprawling Robert Altman-style drama with so many characters.

And they're all introduced in this kind of huge opening scene it's very ambitious let's let's try so the our main character is a koala also all the characters have just human names so it's not like koali the koala which would be quite helpful to try to remember who they are um so yeah we open with stan or dave koala. Who knows? Ryan. Yeah. So he owns a theater which is paid for by some unseen rich investors who have a young son who's a sheep. And he spends a lot of time trying to convince the sheep to convince his parents to give more money. We never meet the parents.

The sheep. Maybe we do in the second half. The sheep is sort of like a trust fund baby. He he's like quite a slacker they're quite good friends yeah and but the sheep is his own ambitions uh but he you know he feels a bit lost in life he's one of those people who comes from money and uh finds it quite difficult to um to find motivation in a world where he doesn't you know what's he gonna do he's got a big legacy to live up to. And the koala lives in this crumbling theater with his assistant, who's a very elderly chameleon with a glass eye that constantly pops out, providing much amusement. And the koala decides that he's going to throw a big singing competition. And accidentally, the prize money gets touted as being $100,000 when it was meant to be $1,000.

So everyone in this San Francisco with hopes and dreams comes to audition. And some of the auditionees, as you say, very down on their luck. Let's meet some of them. We've got the gorilla, a young gorilla, Johnny. I remember that. Johnny is a British gorilla. Yeah, and his dad is in a gang of British gorillas. They're in like a lock stock

And two smoking barrels gang And um Operating in San Francisco Yes And they're They've got a big score Coming up Where there's

25 million dollars On a boat That's coming in one night But they're not sure Which night And they're trying to teach Johnny to become The getaway driver

But all he wants to do Is sing Sam Stan Smith No it's named Stan Stan Smith And and bruno mars songs that's all he wants to do with his life i hate him he's my least favorite yeah and the dad is incredible the dad's like all right johnny we've got a big score coming up so you better make sure you're not doing any singing that night and it's like why and it's i guess it's it's really hard for. And it's like, why? And I guess it's really hard for him because it's the guerrilla way to be in a gang.

Absolutely. Not sing. Now, we also have a mother, a pig mum. Yeah, she's a pig and she has 25 piglets and a husband who is just terrible. And she dreams of being a singer, but she's got all these kids you know she's down she's she's uh basically effectively raised them by herself um and then we've also got and there's there's a one kind of huge thing where she doesn't kind of get a

babysitter in time to attend the singing audition uh so she invents the most elaborate rune goldberg machine to clothe feed her children she makes it in one night and it manages to feed 25 children and set off voice activated things that tells them to have a good day at school and it's she's an incredible inventor yeah which isn't covered much in the film no she she definitely needs to be getting a lot of money for her inventions. Maybe not. The singing is fine. I mean, everyone's very good at singing in this movie.

There's no bad auditions in the film. Everyone has a celebrity singing person playing them. There's also an elephant from a poor neighbourhood who dreams of singing, but she's very shy. And her big thing is overcoming her immense stage fright. She has a pushy grandfather who makes it his one birthday wish for her to finally let her voice be heard. But she kind of struggles at the audition and doesn't do very well and ends up becoming the stage hand um more on that later there's a mouse a small there's a small mouse who's like who's like from the 50s i think and he wears like a frank sinatra hat and all he

does is um kind of he could have been a rat because he's like rat pack but he's a mouse and uh no animal jokes just okay i'm sorry please please respect me so he's a mouse from the 50s uh who who does uh who plays outside a dive bar and does uh kind of saxophone and he's in deep with some card shark bears well because he's he wants to um he wants to fuck this other mouse um who keeps walking past his uh his saxophone busking and she doesn't need to pay him any attention. So he goes to the bank and gets a premium credit card under the hopes that he can pay off with the $100,000. And he spends it all on a flash car. So he maxes out a credit card.

So he's in some deep credit card debt. What? The mouse. So he maxes out a credit card. So he's in some deep credit card debt. What? The mouse. So he maxes out a credit card to get in with a rich crowd and ends up this Russian gang of bears who he card sharks

and ends up running away from with money to pay off his credit card debt. So there's that story. And meanwhile, the koala and the sheep are going to see the sheep's uh grandmother who used to be an old opera singer and is very moneyed and uh very wealthy and they need to get uh her to you know approve the the sponsorship of the singing competition so there is actually a hundred thousand dollar prize you know this is all happening in the first half oh nick by the way you're forgetting the porcupine. I have. Sorry. Yes.

There's a porcupine who's in a punk band with her boyfriend. But she gets it through to the competition. Her boyfriend doesn't. Her boyfriend goes and cheats with another porcupine. And then this teenage girl is struggling with her breakup and also being pushed into more of a pop sensibility than her true punk roots. I don't know. It could go either way.

Maybe she'll rebel and stick with punk, or maybe she will fall in love with pop music. This is not even the first half. This is like the first 10 minutes of this film. They throw so much information at you. So many adult problems. It is an absolute epic. And here's something

I noticed in the film and was never addressed again and I wanted to learn so much more about Nick. An extra walking past in just the background of a scene was a dog who was a nun. Yes, I saw that. You saw the dog and I was like there's religion

i want to know about religion in this world so that's walkout boys and all of these shows are at little empire podcast.com if you want to have a proper listen and subscribe please do uh tell your friends get on twitter it would help us immensely to try and get the word out we're going to try and build all these shows up across the year and just make them bloody great and get everyone into them. There's more shows coming back, and there's also going to be new shows that are starting soon on the network. So it would be great if you signed up for that newsletter as well

so you can keep an eye on all the cool stuff that we're going to be bringing out this year. That, once again, is at littleempirepod podcast.com uh but that's all for now and your regular podcast episodes will be resuming very soon thank you so much for listening uh to any show that you listen to on the network have a happy start to 2017 and we'll catch you on the regular episodes of whatever show you listen to or shows very soon