The Worst Idea Of All Time - MWWC1: “What a film!”

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

This is the first time your dear brave Jellicle fellas set out to watch CATS (2019) at the cinema and they’re just trying to figure out what the f*** is going on here. How big are these cats? Is this CGI technology just an Instagram filter? Tim makes a fast enemy of Rebel Wilson and begrudging fan of James Cordon. This promises to be one hell of a ride. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'll tell you about critics. They're not always right, you know. And I'll tell you another thing. When Cats opened on Broadway, the stage musical, it didn't get very good reviews. Oh, hello, 40 years later. Cats! Meow! Meow! Meow! release of the $100 million film by Tom Hooper, Cats, the Broadway musical. We've just seen it for the first time. We've been listening to the soundtrack on the way home.

We banned ourselves from talking about it in the car, so what you are getting is the fresh meat, the juicy, virginal thoughts of these two moviegoers who have just seen it for the first time. You're getting a little wet food here. Yes. This isn't just kibble. This is high-end cat food.

And what a film. I want to stress as well, because this isn't always the case, Guy and I are stone cold sober. And we were giggling like little school girls in that cinema not throughout but man there's bits that just fucking get you yeah it's uh it is a high-end upscale romp through the streets of london town as represented by a sort of ragtag group of cats i would say varying size which is true but also on a sliding scale of there's no consistent the physics rule off and you know what why bother at this at this point tim why would you bother? Because I like some consistent universe, you know? I like me some consistent universe for us to play in.

What is more consistent than saying there are no rules? I guess that's true. But you've got to have some... When you're turning very famous people into different famous cats, you've got to have something to grab hold of. And one of those things should be a consistent size of the characters that we're trying to emotionally connect with on screen. Are they the size of rats, as suggested in the scene

where we are dancing atop rail tracks? Yeah. Or are they the size of even larger than cats, as displayed in some other scenes when they're in the theatre, playing on the stage? Yeah, because the theatre is advertised from the outside as a theatre for humans, but when you put the cats in there... But everything's named after cats too.

That looks like a theatre for cats. The Egyptian, the milk bar is the bar they go to. What is this world where everything is built for humans, but actually it's built for humans who want to live as cats? And we do see one human. Early on, a human drops off a cat who turns out to be the lead. I need to get a list of character names up. Victoria, what did you think of her?

I thought... Think of her. She was fantastic. Yeah, Vanessa something. She's a new discovery right i believe so i mean amongst the absolute fucking madness that is unspooling around her and in front of any audience uh she's holding it together she turns in a pretty strong performance um and i mean bear in mind i'm pretty sure that they would have had these performers in motion capture suits to make sure that all of the dance moves that were so carefully choreographed are captured accurately.

It seems to me the technology they used to transpose their human faces onto the bodies of these cats was that filter you can use when you go to Instagram stories and you just take a photo of your face and you sort of just, know with your thumbs shrink it until it looks kind of like it fits on the body you've cracked on to quite this is the 80 20 problem right you can get 80 of the results of the movie cats by spending 20 of the budget like that it's that instagram filter will get you a surprisingly close amount of the way to the way that it looks in cats the only to get that final little bit that they got in cats the only to get that final little bit that they got in cats which is not nailing it but just that little bit more that'll cost you a hundred million dollars yeah the only time the part i think they spent a lot of money on was the top of the heads sometimes the cats would look down at the ground and you'd see the top of their heads

yes and when you'd see that you'd think wow looks a cat. And then it would look back up and you'd think, no, that's a person. The other piece of technology, I mean, because you were telling me halfway through the movie, there was some sort of furore around Dame Judi Dench's hands. There's two versions of the film that has been played at cinemas. There is the first version. Okay, so this is actually pretty fucking cool. Tom Hooper was apparently working on this film to such a late extent

that he was working on the visual effects like days before it was released into cinemas. You wouldn't know it to see it. You can sense the panic, but not the execution. The panic is written on the walls. It is everywhere in this film. You feel panicked watching it. You feel the

director going oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god i fucked it i fucked it i fucked it i fucked it so um there's a version that went through where the visual effects weren't completely finished and the way that you can tell which one you watch because they rushed a new version of the film to cinemas after its initial release which never happens and apparently the way that it can't be cheap it cannot be cheap you're dead right um the way that you can tell which version you're watching is apparently judy dentures what watch her wristwatch which she wore on set i guess which she wasn't supposed to is clearly visible and i like i i thought that we were watching the initial one i was very excited about it um because you can see her like some of

them have cat ish no no none of them do it seems like from afar they do maybe it's just some of the women have long nails the only point at which they even approach the idea that these cats have paws and not human hands is when Taylor Swift, uh, does that. She puts her claws out, but otherwise these, uh,

these are the hands of the actors. They have put no time, money, effort, or energy into turning them into cats. I feel like they were furry at some points. Maybe they weren't. Maybe that's just me.

No, it was, I'm projecting what I thought should have happened. And that's totally fair enough. I, yeah, I found myself not super early on. That Jellicle Cats opening number is a fucking ripper. Yeah, it slaps, bro. It's really, really fun.

So actually, before we go any further, can we just set the scene a little bit? So Guy and I rock up to... So the way that it works in the Southern Hemisphere is Christmas and New Year's and summer all coincide. So everyone takes the first two to three weeks of January off, if possible, and they go to the beach or just wherever. So we're coming into a period where everything's pretty slow living, the sun is out, people don't really want to go to the flicks. And we were expecting an empty cinema, 3.30 in the afternoon.

It's not. Three quarters full? A little over half full? It was, by what I was visualizing, it was reamed. Yeah. We're absolutely swimming in people. Average age? Well, there was a bit of range.

But, you know, I'd say on average you're looking at 60? Upwards, I'd say. Average age, 70. We were about five rows down, and there were people all the way up behind us, but there was only two people in front of us, and one of them was this old boy who was drumming through the entire musical. Was he? Yeah.

Sick. He was slapping the arms on the chair. That real old dude. Slapping his legs. Fuck yes. Occasionally he'd get into it and he'd tap on his partner's leg to be like, I'm in the pocket, babe. That's me, Brian. That's me in 50 years.

It was really fun to watch. But yeah, it was old. We were one of only four males in this very packed cinema. So the other one was this old guy who I would put at about 80. And the other, and fuck, I felt for him, a grandson who would have been probably eight years old. He was trying his best, but he was just bored out of his fucking mind. Yeah, he was.

Started running about, doing some cool shit on the seats. Honestly, I get it. The blame for this cannot be laid at the feet of Tom Hooper or whoever wrote the adapted screenplay for Cats, but they really drop you in it, and they don't give you a lot of context clues or time to um find your bearings and really you know insert yourself into the story they say here's a cat who's been kicked out of home for reasons unknown and well she's a little kitten isn't she she's an unwanted little

kitten which is why she's in a burlap well. Well, I'd say this, Tim. It's impossible to tell because she is the same size as all of the other cats. It got very confusing because you're like, that's a hot cat. And then you're like, oh, gross. I shouldn't say that. She's so young. And then you go, oh, wait a minute. She's a cat. What is happening here? Some of the cats are fucking sexy.

Some of the cats are also very down to fuck. Idris Elba? When he takes his coat off oh my god he's like there's a point he's so naked he's so hyper naked yeah it's crazy and there's a point just before that which is the the railway cat called skimble shanks all of the cats have been prancing around you think this is fine this is normal and then the railway cat fucking kicks in the door and he's wearing tattoos he's wearing tap shoes and he's wearing trousers with uh like their overalls essentially and if he's wearing overalls that means all of the other cats are naked absolutely and then you're like okay so there can be nudity in the cat community and then idris elba shows up wearing nothing at all and you're

like my but but none of them are wearing anything he's just somehow super naked the rest of them are kind of naked that because there's they they uh there's tone yeah there's human tone can't shouldn't have a six pack he's got a six pack and you can see the tone on his arms and taylor swift also they made a buxom cat otherwise they didn't really uh dabble with bosom but taylor swift i don't know if it was in the contract i feel like that was in the contract for sure and i think there's probably a very fine documentary which will be infinitely more profitable about the contract negotiations that existed between the alistars agents and the producers of this fine film. But they really drop you in it.

You've got this cat, this kitten who's lost, is sort of immediately surrounded and then loosely befriended by the Jellicle cats. And it just... The Jellicle... Of course, we all know what that is. The Jellicle cats are Jellicle cats. And it just fucking marches ahead without pausing

for anyone who didn't get on the train and it's song after song it's nonsense and they introduce all variety of cats all sorts of different cats and at the end of every song i found myself praying begging even though i knew i was watching a musical no more songs no just give me exhausted by the songs just give me a minute of people saying hey wow let's go into this building for this reason it's just nonsense just song after song after song after song and of course some of the songs are fun but some of the songs suck yeah a lot of them do and it just it's like it's um it. And it just goes. You've got to give it this.

It puts the throttle down and it just goes. And then people show up out of nowhere. Real celebrities show up in catsuits on the streets of London, shrunken down to whatever size. Whatever size the scene requires. And they just sing whatever the fuck they're told. It is a wild, wild ride. Let me say this. Reba Wilson, terrible.

Yeah. A terrible performance through and through. Bad at the songs, bad at the acting, wasn't landing the jokes. She was given pretty dire jokes. All of her jokes were like, look what the cat dragged in. They were all not even cat puns.

Cat got your tongue? Cat idioms. That's silly. What is this world? Fuck. Think about it, guys. That saying doesn't exist here. God damn it.

You know who I wanted to hate more but couldn't? James Corden. He kind of pulled it off. Yeah, but this movie is perfect for you to enjoy James Corden because the entire thing is so ridiculous and farcical. And it does make fun of him the entire duration. It's impossible to earnestly kind of enjoy it. And so you see him kind of like performing to the appropriate level of the musical

and you're like, oh yeah, you get it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you get what this is this is nothing hard out and so that is in and of itself enjoyable he probably he got the tone about right jennifer hudson brings the house down like she's incredible but she's in a different movie in this movie but i will say this when she before moonlight so there's a moonlight repriserise early where the young Victoria cat hears, what's the name of Jennifer Hudson's cat? Grizabella. The Glamour Puss. Yeah, the Glamour Puss, who's sort of been cast aside by the Jellicle cats because she's signed with Macavity, who's Idris Elba, who's the villainous cat.

Yeah, so that's why she's sort of been shunted to the fringes of society because she sort of... She's faded glory. Yeah. She hung out with the wrong cat. But she sings a reprise of Moonlight or Memories and I was like, oh my God. And then it doesn't get to the big bit and I was like, oh, that means you've got to look forward to.

And then at the tail end of the film, ultimately there is, I guess they kind of fell under the message. Her character has a redemption arc. And through Victoria, all of the Jellicle cats understand the idea of mistakes made and forgiven. But she comes back and fucking rips memories. And all of the hairs on my body stood up on end. Pure goosebumps.

When the big drop comes in, I'm like, oh. The one that's in the trailer. You'll know it if you've seen it. It's that one. And I knew it would do it too. You got $100 million, and I'm loathe to bring it up, but take the dribble out of Blowy Nose, man. It's right there. You think they missed that?

You don't think that was a creative decision? We got an ECU. We're right up in there. It's a big screen that we're in. It's the cinema. Can we just get some Matt on there? I liked it. It's communicated emotion.

But you can do that with a tear. I found it. Maybe it speaks more to me. A tear would get caught at the first hurdle, right in the fur. You ever seen a cat cry, Tim? I haven't seen a cat, like, snot itself either, though, you know? Well, you need to look a little closer. Maybe I do.

And I guess that was the moral of the story. Now, what was it all about? So the Jellicoe cats are ostensibly a cult of cats that sort of worship at the foot of Dame Judi Dench, whose character is Old Deuteronomy. And every year, I'm guessing, Old Deuteronomy gathers all the cats, they perform for her leisure, and then she picks one of them to go to heaven, maybe?

They go to a place called the Heaviside Layer. H-E-A-V-I Layer. I don't know. I don't know. And then it's revealed what that entails in the movie. Because, you know, this is what I was saying before in the pre the preamble is that preamble please sorry you're right i did fuck that up um film is so literal so in the musical it's kind of like you can sort of take it as as visual metaphor because of the limitations of what you can do on a theater stage but here

you see um what's the cat called again that gets picked jennifer hudson's cat grizzabella grizzabella go away in a hot air balloon and just disappear into the sky and you're like i don't think she's going to heaven i think she's going to die in that hot air balloon and i think that judy ditch has been lying to all these cats and just sending them one by one off on a balloon annually yeah why are these cats so obsessed with magic guy there's two magical cats out of a cast of about 10 cats one of them's real good at magic and one of them is pretty good at magic yeah but they uh with with the confidence of the other cats mr mistoffelees who is played by laurie davidson i could not for the life of me Figure out I don't know who that is What I'd seen Laurie Davidson in

And even now That I look at his filmography I still cannot I really liked him though He was good I thought he was good Yeah and Idris Elba's Cat

Macavity Has Sort of dark Magic On his side But yeah They all They perform their songs

And dances He's a Satanist And it's a really great device by which you can just literally do whatever the fuck you want. You say, this cat works on a train and then a cat comes in. And then we hear a song about that.

And sings a song about it. And then you pick a size and you pick a song and then you're away for four minutes. That's a scene. And this, I mean, I could see how this would work as a musical. I could also see how this would work if you were watching it on hallucinogens. Yeah.

But in the cold light of day, on the big screen, there is no engine, unless you love the song, there's no engine through which you can make it to the end of the movie. That's what I thought. And it's like, it is staggering to to think to look at the scale of it and how rich every shot was and how they'd filled out everything it is mind-blowing to think how many people worked so fucking hard and they must have just been doing it laboring under the delusion that someone knew that this would turn out okay That there was someone in charge who was going to pull all of these loose strands together

and send out something that resembled a finished product. It's all Deuteronomy sending you off on a hot air balloon when you think you're going to reach heaven. Truly, everyone must have been toiling away, like working their ass off. And to what end, Tim? I keep coming back to the editors who just must have spent so much time with this footage that you'd lose the wood for the trees. And you're like, is this? Because at one point, you know, you get all this footage

and you're like, okay, I guess we've got to cut this thing up. We've got to figure this out. And I think with any film, you don't really know what you're dealing with until you're about sort of like 85% done. And then you're like, this is what the thing is thing is but the whole time the editors must have just been like they would have got to a point eventually been like oh fuck i don't think this is anything no but that's i feel maybe they were led astray because surely this would be one of the easier

movies to make if you're just adapting a stage play or you're adapting from a pre-existing text if you get lost you just look at the thing that you're copying yeah oh yeah it's just this i guess so you're also going but this is a movie so there are some things that need to be different i feel like no one did i feel like at the end of it everyone was quietly saying to each other this this this shouldn't be a movie this this should just have stayed on the stage but i mean they've spent 100 million dollars at that point what are you going to do you're're gonna send out the wrong fucking version of it it's not that it was the wrong version guy because at the time that was the film and then it got so much flack that tom hooper was like i know what will fix this we'll digitally remove judy dench's

wristwatch that will save this film yeah i agree judy denger's wristwatch is kind of ruining the rest of the movie then there are moments where the cast which i like when they do in musicals they really physically represent how hard everyone's worked by you know that at the end of the big song and dance numbers almost in the realm of the film and so the cats are exhausted and they're realizing that they're putting on this performance they all sort of lie on the floor and they're heavy breathing you know as you'd see

in a musical and if you see that in a musical what you are compelled to do is clap and sort of you go we see

did you see the little kid did it oh I didn't it was toward the end it was one of the I think it was I can't remember what the song was

yeah I don't know and that seven year old he knew his cue. No one joined him. I was like, you fucking hero. You get it. That's what you're compelled to do. But in a movie theater, and when they haven't inserted anything to create a transition, and you're just watching these celebrities panting as cats,

and you can't applaud it, you're just left there being, all you want to do is just break the silence and say what the you know like just so that there's a sense of community in the room so everyone in the room at the same time can say this is anarchy yeah but you can't you just sit there and politely go well i guess there's another song coming up i wonder where the next cat's from this is the kind of nature that makes you want to nudge a person you've never met before who's sitting next to you in the theatre and go, You seeing this shit?

Absolutely. One bit where I nudged Guy was when we were first introduced to Sir Knight of the Realm, Ian McKellen. And he is a dishevelled, old, faded star of the stage. He's a theatre cat. Called Gus. And our introduction to him is he's behind a backstage curtain just licking a puddle and i said to guy i don't like this i do not like seeing siri mckellen lapping water from a puddle yeah as soon as you consider the titles that these

some of these performers have in the real world, it does go from being a bit of a lark to something quite debasing. I liked seeing when Dame Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen would make eye contact as their characters, because I'd be like, they were doing that as characters, but they're also doing it as performers. Absolutely. That is exactly what I thought too too whenever they shared a moment on screen it's like those two fucking get it they're having a chat in their trailers afterwards over a finger of whiskey or two they know what they've got themselves into oh my word um that's the

beauty of being so famous and having such an incredible career and being a little bit older that you can grab hold of one of these and be like, what? Yeah. I can't believe, like, why didn't you say yes? I said yes because you said. They told me. You were already signed, but they told me.

Ah, they got us again. They got swindled. I think that's how they pulled this together as well. I reckon they told everyone that they had signed everyone else and everyone just panic signed. Hollywood churns these movies, though. I guess it makes sense. There's a certain amount of celebrity or cachet attached to a project

and they approach you and you think, I mean. You want to do cats? Independently, each of those person might make a bad decision in their career. Yeah. But critical mass, there's no way all of them are making that same bad decision simultaneously. This is a risk-free project. I'm in. And cats sort of illuminates what happens when all of those stars guess wrong yeah on the same

project and it is that is fun it's like um pumping and dumping a stock in the stock market it's like this seems like junk but a lot of people are jumping in on it and i don't understand why but i cannot miss out on this and they all hurried in and it was worthless just as they suspected i tell you what threw me and this is again like a kind of breaking of the rules of the universe they created all the other characters this doesn't happen with but with rebel wilson was showing her form and she's naked like all the other cats and that's fine and then she unzips her skin to reveal not only another skin

but a dress and then a skin and it's fucking creepy and I hated it she does it twice she does it once as a plot device to escape being chained up tightly bound to a pillar on a ship because that old mcavity

is trapped to there using his satan magic that's right she zips off her apparently constantly wearing top layer which looks like the normal cat skin everyone else has fuck man you gotta pick some rules and lay them down and stick to them i I mean, yes. I feel ordinarily yes, but this movie to me does exist outside of the norms. I think I can support, I didn't enjoy all of it, but I can support every decision that was made in this movie

because it is literally, you go, yeah. It's like a night out when it's just all gone to shit and you're thinking, yeah, of course. You throw down. That's a really good point. Because it is one of those nights. It's like the car's blown up.

You've scuffed your favorite pants. They're a light color. That's not coming out. You got overcharged at the bar for the dinner. And if you have a mindset where you keep a tally of all these negative things, then all you're going to see is negative things. But if you go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all part of tonight, isn't it?

Of course. Yeah, yeah. That's all right. You say, of course. And then all of a sudden it becomes this sort of elevated experience. It's not just, you you know an accumulation of bad events you gotta sit a little above it small frustrations you look at it and you go this is incredible yes what is the likelihood of this yeah really yeah uh and yeah i mean i really liked

it occasionally they do a bit or they did it early i didn't really repeat it until at the very end which we'll talk about but they get the cast of cats. All of them would be looking at you. Yeah. It was when they first discovered Grizabella outside of the Egyptian. And it's after they've done a big song and dance number. And as an audience member, it feels like there's about sort of, as most of the ensemble and a few of the famous people,

they're all barreling the camera. I did not notice that. They break the fourth. They're all looking right at you. And you're sitting there and usually in cinema they are looking at you. But in this instance it really felt like I was looking at them and I was like, yup

okay I know this runs for 111 minutes and we've only been here for 25 It was a plea for help Silently screaming But then the camera The camera swivels around

And it shows that they were actually looking at Jennifer Hudson Grizabella Who then sort of scuttles off And we're told her backstory But then at the end of the movie They do it again Where one of the cats Barrels the camera

Dame Judi Dench Oh Deuteronomy It's Dame Judi Dench She sent Jennifer Hudson Off to fucking die Of lack of oxygen In a hot air balloon cats barrels the camera dame judy dench it's dame judy dench she sent jennifer hudson off to fucking die of lack of oxygen in a hot air balloon the heavy layer side and uh there's gonna be an anagram for something she barrels the camera and she says well you've seen all sorts of cats i'll bet you've learned something. Cats aren't dogs. You think he's making it up.

That's what she says. The line is something like, one thing to allow your memory to jog, a cat is most certainly not a dog. It's like, that's fucking lazy rhyming scheme. First of all, the lyrics are terrible to so many of these songs. Andrew Lloyd Webber is a mistakenly celebrated lyricist. He's so bad at it. Is he the lyricist?

I think. Oh, maybe he just does the music. Is it a guy called Tim Rice? I'm going to look up who did the book. As you were, though. You know who Tim Rice should have partnered up with? Tim Curry. And we're cooking.

Judi Dench barrels the camera and delivers this lesson to you because the whole movie you're like okay i guess each of these characters has a human trait they're representing we have the dark side of human nature and macavity the evil satanist magician cat we have the kind of um the underdog weakling but then with the power of community turned strong hero cat and mr mistoffelees we've got this kind of pure young um pure of heart it's confusingly sexy cat victoria but then judy teacher's like no no no it's not a metaphor it's about cats and now we're gonna our final number that we will sing to you is how you should treat your cat at home first you take your hat off to them then you bow and then you give them a plate of milk and then give them a treat which might be caviar you should ask the cat what they're into

and then call the cat by its name roll credits and they do all of the cats at by this point it's no longer night time in london cat town it's the morning and she looks down upon the uh ensemble and they scatter as though gone for another year the borrowers i mean to be fair do you think in this cinematic universe ordinary cats also exist and so these are the mutants who like exist between cats and humans and that's why they shield like that's why they can't be observed by humans okay humans know about cats they know about humans they do not know about this crossbreed one cat got caught and that's victoria which is why these owners were like i don't know what the fuck this is but it is not staying in the house i'm not taking it to the government we're not holding on to it it's not

going to the spca it's going on the fucking street yeah because whatever happens we're attached to it so we need before anyone sees us with this cat we've got to get rid of it i mean that to me is that that is what is logical cats don't eat cockroaches do they not that i know of i really liked that little uh the cockroach tattoo that was a rebel wilson's like a military tattoo her cat who's called a Gumby cat And The Gumby cat's name What was it again? It's Jenny

Jenny Jenny Jenny Jenny Dotts Jenny Jenny Dotts

She She sort of is I guess being teased For being a layabout And she sort of Lounges around at home But she's not been idle She actually

Has taught some Mice How to sing And all the other cats Take this information as read. Do not attempt to eat the mice. And then they're all kind of indifferent. In fact, I believe Jason Derulo's cat says,

it's kind of old-fashioned, don't you think? The song and dance with the mice. The old-fashioned nature. And then she has these cockroaches perform a military tattoo, which is like a marching band and then these cockroaches are sort of also anthropomorphized so they have human faces and appear to have emotions and hopes and dreams of their own and they're performing for her i think it's the song and dance number she's hoping that will win her the jellicle cat contest and as they're performing she starts just picking them off and eating them.

And they don't appear to grow more nervous. They just sort of accept it as par for the course. But I mean, that was a bit of fun. I guess. It also leads me to, I do want to talk about Jason Derulo as the... How gutted were you that at no point through the movie, he said, Jason Derulo.

If they wouldn't have fun with it, they could have just had him say, Rum Tum T rum tum tugger yeah but he has one of the worst songs it's all about how he's a fucking menace yeah it's like it's pretty much he's singing from the perspective of a toddler he goes when i'm inside i want to be outside when i'm outside i want to be inside saying the lyrics are fucking atrocious i'm a living living nightmare. He does, however, have a real scene-stealing moment, which is down to performance and not casting. Much later on, when Mr. Mistoffelees is trying to perform a magic trick to conjure the return of old Deuteronomy,

who is also at this point has been stolen by Macavity and has been kept on this boat with some of the other cats who are performing in the big Jellicle ball. Uh, he's like trying as hard as he can. And everyone's getting around. Mr. Mistoffelees and saying,

you're a fucking, you're a legend, man. You got magic. You can do it. And he keeps trying and it doesn't happen. They sing another big verse and he tries and it doesn't happen. And they sort of get this cutaway of Jason Derulo doing this face,

which is like, this is not good. And it got a big laugh out of you. Yeah. It got a laugh. It got a titter from the wider cinema. I felt like we were laughing at the off beats. Yes.

I hope we didn't detract from the enjoyment of the cats diehards. We really, I think we went in there with a respectful attitude, trying not to kill it for people who were there to, you know, enjoy this movie as it was supposed to be enjoyed the thing is right this is another thing i hate about andrew lloyd weber i don't hate all his musicals but i hate cats the first notes you hear in this whole movie is this shitty synth like real shitty synths like a 30 that's the fucker

that's good because that's like uh knockoff fun house music that's what you hear when you go to an agricultural fair and there's a haunted house and you walk in and that's the music they're playing they bought it for 129 off whatever that website is where you can buy stock music yeah that's what that is. And it sets the tone perfectly because you're in this glossy, hyper-real sort of version of London. But everything else has got like a brass band

and there's real instrumentation and it's big. Because that's the thing, they ram so much dumb shit down your throat successfully. The story is stupid. The songs are stupid. the lyrics are stupid the characters are so stupid and one-dimensional but because you have this like chorus of song and unison from talented performers and it's backed up by this huge band you get swept up in it but when you take it back to some shithouse, funhouse mirror, it's like,

well, now we don't have anything at all. And that's the first thing you're greeted with. And I was like, oh no, this is going to suck ass. I thought it set the tone well. Cause I was like,

I mean, it was honest. And it's off. Yeah. It's off. It's off. You're off balance from the jump. Yeah.

And I love that. It just sets you up. Like it set me up to be really depressed and annoyed yeah that's not how you want to enter a enter a film it does give you a few reset points it does really lag at some moments but because of the pace and the sheer number of characters who are being introduced in the variety of songs you at least you know it's like watching a lineup show of comedians where you're like well you might not like this one yeah it's another thing just around the corner so i say that now this is our first screening um i'd like to ask you tim and i will ask you this daily uh the entire movie or

musical does hinge on the the notion of this jellicle ball and Dame Judi Dench's Jellicle choice. And so I'd turn to you today and ask you, who was your Jellicle choice? Jennifer Hudson, whatever that one's called. Grizabella. Grizabella. The same as Dame Judi. Yeah.

And why? Whilst James Corden, hate him as I do, I think picked the tone correctly in terms of just the right amount of silliness but also kind of buy-in you know i think he got that mix right jennifer hudson overshot that fucker like seeing someone fuck up a motorcycle ramp trick where they don't land on the the like landing strip they're just they're over the car part yeah yeah she shot it with emotion and i was there for it man yeah it felt very real and i know that jennifer hudson god bless her she's got a lot of um tragedy in her life to draw upon and i felt like i you know got privy to that she was using it in the performance

that's beautiful i also think she had a leg up because her character, her cat is one of the only ones who's imbued with any, like it's very challenging to form emotional investment in the other cats just because they come and they go. They're not tethered to any sense of reality, but we constantly see her being bullied by the other cats and sad. And so to see that redemption it was your jellicle choice uh it's got to be skimble shanks the railway cat the cat that reminded us

they should all be wearing pants not for that i mean that was a fun wrinkle but just out of nowhere a breath of fresh air when i needed it comes in everyone's like who's next and then no one seems to know who this cat is yeah but everyone loves him yes he comes in his tap shoes he's got a ginger twiddly mustache he starts fucking marching around the the the hall telling everyone about how he works at the railway and everyone's like, okay. And then he keeps going. He really whips everyone into a frenzy. He takes everyone to the train.

He does. I mean, that's a fun guy. He gets everyone to his workplace. Yeah. Clean linen, beds are made and he goes,

fuck, get in there, muck around, have a bit of a laugh. The song rips. Yeah, it's good. He's tap dancing. He's got a tap dancing break. He gets everyone tap dancing

on the railway. At one point, they're bigger than tap dancing. He's got a tap dancing break. He gets everyone tap dancing on the railway. At one point, they're bigger than usual. Another point, they're smaller than usual. And then he leaves. He doesn't expect anything from it. Well, actually, by the end of that, I was going to go and nudge you and say, it's got to be this guy.

But then fucking Macavity, he does this crazy dance move at the end where he starts twirling. And I honestly thought he'd won because he was twirling. He was ascending. Yeah, I thought he was ascending like dame judy dench is only a vessel through which you know a higher being makes their selection but it was actually mcavity and some of his dark magic and he eventually winds up on this cruise ship on the river thames

it's not a cruise ship it's a sort of run down tugboat but um he was a he was a sensation and he's got to be my jellicle choice and i do feel sort of the power to to to make that because i do i feel like a jellicle cat and i will say this to you too i don't know or presently think that you you actually have what it takes to be a jellicle cat having just seen cats i'm fucking fine with that today can i ask you a question this is going to put you on the spot a little bit but this came to me during the movie and i'd like to ideally ask you or maybe the guest each episode can you think of a more inappropriate text to adapt to film than cats uh what is a film or not a film what is a film or not a film

what is something that just it doesn't have the legs I'll wait yeah I mean you'll have to name a less dynamic duo I'll wait I am I'm sort of I'm drawing a blank here I'm sort of

I'm drawing a blank here I'm thinking I saw Elf the musical on Broadway once You did it That was an instance of the wrong order Elf with an A Elf the cat eating alien Elf Will Ferrell

That should have stayed as a movie which is not an answer to your question i mean as it stands no that is the question can i come back tomorrow no i'm actually not going to end the podcast until you can give me an answer of what a more inappropriate text to adapt to film would be do you have one in mind no and you've known this question for what an hour an hour and a half yeah totally i'll i'll try and think of one if you want but i wanted to throw it to you today do you want me to try and think of one i just find it really challenging i would say do you know ironically i was going to say the bible but then andrew lloyd weaver made jesus christ superstar which then was also made into a film i think uh

sex in the city 2 i think Sex and the City 2 You know within my immediate mental reach Is something that would probably play Should not have been made into a movie Oh god damn it I keep reversing it Yeah you are Well it shouldn't be made into a musical

What is something that exists in the world That would be a more inappropriate choice To be adapted to film than Cats was Okay I got one that would be a more inappropriate choice to be adapted to film than Cats was. Okay, I got one. The Edmonds Cookbook. Fuck, no, actually, I could see that really working. Turned into a movie?

Yeah, because, well, yeah, yeah. Because it would be like a Julie and Julia thing. It'd be like telling the story of a i don't know an intergenerational story of some parent passing down these recipes with this cookbook that's in every new zealand home produced by a baking soda company yeah going through telling the stories of their youth it's ballpark i feel like we should try and i mean i don't know enough musicals. All right, I got one. Try and keep it to musicals. Oh, okay. I mean, it's tough going out there. I don't know enough about musicals.

I think musicals is too hard. I was going to say the instruction manual for a Weber barbecue would be quite hard to adapt to film. Yeah. I think that would be worse. That would be worse than Cats. Cats is bad. But it's better than a film adaption

of the instruction manual to a Weber barbecue. Undeniably. And it's also not fun. We're going to revisit that question on the coming days as we spend a week with Cats.

Thank you so much for joining us on this first outing. Guy, you got anything you need to squeeze in there before we send this great first episode on the hot air balloon that is Dame Judi Dench's lie to the rest of the Jellicoe cult? Absolutely not. Safe to say that was episode meow. Join us tomorrow for episode Meow Meow.