The Worst Idea Of All Time - Podcast In A Tree 2: 01

Episode Date: April 27, 2024

As summer descends on Auckland, the local fauna shed their winter coats, pick up their lapel mics and return to the trees to record Season 2 of the number one podcast in a tree, Podcast in a Tree. Classic segments, like Drugs in a Tree, are joined by new favorites, like meditating on the aging process and its impact on butt tattoos. Tim plots to take down his local licensing board, while Guy presents a bold new variation on Sandwich in a Tree (an almond croissant). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everybody and welcome to season two of podcast in a tree with myself Tim back and myself Guy Montgomery. You waited just long enough to step in that I thought he's not gonna do it. Yeah. I'll do it. Well it's fun to muck around. Yeah. It's fun to sort of tease you. Yeah. And, but I think it's important people know my name as well. As important as yours. I totally agree with you. Yeah.

That's why in the pause where I thought yours wasn't forthcoming, I was rushing in to make sure someone let the people know Guy Montgomery is here. Yeah, it's the two of us. Everybody, put down your weapons, Guy is here. Yeah, and I'm wearing a yellow t-shirt. It's nice to be in Podcast in a Tree. This is part of the transition period, I would call it, of our post-OG worst worst idea life I think this is where right now this is where we're meant to be yeah and there have been

times where I felt like this is not maybe it was we were meant to be but it's not where I want to be and so I think what I'm finding gratifying is being where I want to be and where I think we need to be. Okay, great. Which is this tree. You'll be able to hear a bit of ambiance. Yeah. And what you'll be treated to... Brian Eno is producing this season. Yes.

And what Brian has added in to us to give a real authenticity of being in an urban environment, cityscape, is a bit of traffic noise, a bit, hustle and bustle, hubbub. Some birds chirping. We're surrounded by trees that are not unlike the one we're sitting in. They've got a lot of sort of long thick horizontal branches that are great for climbing and sitting and it's just outside of this sort of park we find ourselves in, we're surrounded by buildings. Oh, there's so many.

We're in a little dome of tree. I'd call it an enclave. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. A little garden enclave. And it's higher than you thought. Yeah, I'm feeling a little slightly unbalanced. Are you?

It's just keeping me ever so slightly on edge. Not as much as when I did the turnaround. When you climb a tree tree when you're an old man such as we are now there's a lot of sort of um quite unflattering shimmying going on and then there comes the time because you do it very safely and then there comes a time when you've got to do the turn to sit properly uh on the branch and i tell you what that turn was scary business i hope um i hope we've been rolling on the climb. I hope we can get a montage of the unflattering shimmy, as you call it.

I think there's some footage there that we can cut too. Because once you're sitting, you do feel stable, solid. But certainly the getting up is a little scary. And then famously, what's more scary than getting up a tree can be getting down a tree. Yes, I'm not looking forward to that. But at the end of the day, I think, were we to fall off of this branch, it wouldn't rock, but we wouldn't die. You'd get ground shock. Yeah, you'd roll out of that. Your training would kick in, surely, and you'd roll right out of that.

My training? Your training. Yeah, yeah. I've been training, by the way, just for this sort of situation. Yeah. I was trying to deduce what type of tree this is. I think this is a... it's a... What does the word deciduous mean? It's the opposite of evergreen, so it's when it loses its leaves. Okay. It's nothing to do with that.

Okay. What's... it's an introduced tree. What's the opposite of native? Ah, yeah, introduced. Great word. Oh, I think, um... Endemic, I think, is when it's only in the place, right? There's... see, there's lots of lovely words around this area. Yeah. And, um, there's certainly... We pick them off the shelf, we're having a look, we're going,

Ooh, I don't know how this one works. There'll be ecological listeners who are saying, These turkeys don't know their... you know, their their trees from their assholes. Yeah, but we do Here's the thing. We actually yeah, it's my assholes on the tree It's been three or two bits of fabric three years since we did naked pot in a tree as an idea for season three Introduces a lot of danger I think to what's really not a super safe thing Yeah, I find that really funny nudity to shoes and socks

that's crack up but it is actually quite practical I don't know that anyone wants that no that's quite right it's been

climbing is you'd be privy to some serious you want to talk about an unflattering shimmy oh boy some angles but also just some danger

yeah shimming across three years is what I'm trying to get to the bottom of. Three years since we did our last season of Podcasting the Tree. So much has changed. Yeah.

And in some ways, so much has stayed the same. Just at the end of the day, two guys in Tamaki Makaurau trying to make it work and treated to some beautiful weather. Yeah. It's the hottest summer in the history of Auckland so far. That must be a good thing. Well, if you could get that, you know, if we could just stop it here.

Yeah. If there was just some way we could say, this is nice. I was telling you this morning in the car, I sort of woke up with a bit of anxiety this morning just because there's a lot of things going on. And then for some goddamn reason i watched like a science video on recent research and climate change while i was having my breakfast shouldn't have done that do you know i breakfast was pretty good i try not to watch videos in the morning i tend not to watch any i try to stay off school i've got to do my daily word puzzles that is

something i'm doing first thing in the morning and you know sometimes you gotta email you go you gotta do some work but generally speaking yeah i'm trying to stay off the script like i wouldn't i would unless there's a sports sports highlight okay so i'm watching sports highlights in the morning some of the time nothing wrong with that but i'm not watching i'm not looking up videos about global warming i'm not looking them up anymore i've done enough looking up there now the algorithm is like this one i'm like that looks interesting the algorithm recently started giving me um maybe i was going to start climbing trees it started giving me some pretty extreme suggestions like uh like the world's highest cliff dive uh 58 meters Wow the guy hits like a hundred and twenty kilometers per

hour oh that makes me so sick even being a little bit off the ground hearing that makes me feel so sick he goes so fast 120 kilometers an hour and then at the end he puts his feet together yeah you gotta put your feet together or you'll get too much water up your bum and it will come out your mouth. Wow. That might not be true, but doesn't that feel like it could be true? The physics of it all sounds so painful. I was on a boat the other day. Okay, you go first.

I was on a boat for a birthday party, which can I say, it's a great idea. Well, you know, some people will have boats all the time. That's nuts to me. No one should have a boat. Really? I feel the same way about, you know, swimming pools, even though I the time. That's nuts to me. No one should have a boat. Really? I feel the same way about, you know, swimming pools, even though I've got a swimming pool. No one should have a swimming pool. No one should have a swimming pool.

Swimming pool should be solely like a public good. No one should have an individual swimming pool. Can I say that as somebody who has a swimming pool? What about, yeah, I mean, it's easy to... I've always had this opinion, though. It's like pulling the ladder up. No more swimming pool. This isn't a recent adoption of an opinion.

I've been boxed into a hypocritical corner. Yeah. Okay, but you were on a boat. Oh, yeah. And someone was bungee jumping as we went through the bridge. It was really cool, and we all cheered them on. I've done that bungee jump. How was it?

I did it backwards. So I'd done one before where you're facing front and I did it backwards and that felt scarier. Yeah. I can remember the feeling in my tummy,

the lurching feeling in my tummy. When I went skydiving I went the guy because I think I had this weird thing where I just sort of like clicked off to it.

I was just excited. I was never nervous about it until we got to altitude on the plane you know like weeks before and days before I was like you nervous? and he was like nah it's gonna be fun and then I was on the plane I was like it's just occurred to me what this is yeah you're gonna jump out of the plane and I think because I've been playing it so cool because I hadn't reckoned with it the guy I was strapped to was fucking with me and so we fell out of the plane backwards and when you've got yeah you're back to the earth and you're

traveling that quickly it's pretty scary stuff yeah well so this is um and so I've got so many things I want to say which is two okay and neither of them neither of them are interesting. I'll be the judge of that. The first one is that, when I was talking about hitting the water when you jump from high and you want to, you know, you want to, you got to clench your butt. Yes. And that's a feeling I actually enjoy

and have been doing a bit recently, is clenching my butt. Yeah. Because I now have four tattoos on my butt. Yeah. And one of the great motivations to keep my butt taut is these tattoos I don't want I like this is vanity but I don't want the skin to stretch too much and then for the tattoos to become distorted and so quite

often if I remember I have tattoos on my butt I will um you don't want to drop trowel and I look at that yeah I'll look in the mirror and I'll be like, are these still taut? Are these all looking right? Are these all on the right scale? Is there vanity? I guess it's quite a... I don't know where vanity begins and ends and meets

pride in one's appearance. It's fun to sort through there. Yeah, I mean it's... I think it's all bespoke to the Yeah, I mean it's... What's the trouble with that one? I think it's all bespoke to the person, isn't it? Yeah. And now... Oh boy. Having a little cough when you're up this high.

Even scarier. You know what's funny? When I did a recce on this tree, I got up here. And I was sitting there and I thought, this feels really high. And then I went down on the ground and I looked at how high it was and i was sitting and i thought this feels really high yeah and then i went down on the ground and i looked at how high it was i was like that's not like the difference in how it feels and how it looks from the ground have you ever been in the water

i have you know how little waves look from the shore yeah you go in the water and you're like these waves are the biggest waves i've ever seen. Yeah. There are no waves bigger than these. Perspective. Yeah. Heights are a really weird one for that. Really weird. Hey. It's time for our first segment.

I'm itching for it. Our first segment is the return of Drugs in a Tree. Yeah. Now, do you know when we first did this podcast, was a place I would go to To buy beer sometimes And one of the people that worked there Said to me, oh I've been listening to your New podcast, Drugs in a Tree And I thought

That's not what it's called But I can see how you think that's what it is I've had multiple people tell me the same thing That that is the name of This series And that's cool man if that's what you want to call it go to gold yeah i'm not going to correct you for us it's it's just um drugs in a tree are a part of yeah podcasting in a tree which i guess and it's always just part

of being in a tree yeah also you know for those of you fortunate enough to see the tree and see what we're doing right now you'll observe um we're off the handhelds that's safe osh would love that that's a good point pretty much every recording we've ever done for the last decade we've had handheld microphones except today for some reason i decided to bust out the lapels i think because i thought it would make it a bit easier to be in a tree and do drugs in a tree and just exist in a tree. This is quite a business-like tree to be doing drugs in, but the drug we have selected today is a business drug.

It's great cocaine. Yeah, it helps you make fast decisions correctly. Yes. Should I buy this bank? Yes. Correctly. Yes. Which is what everyone... Should I buy this bank?

Yes. Yes. Now matter of fact, it's an even more... Now I want to say endemic, Tim. This is another word I'm taking off the shelf to look at. Go with God. Is that allowed? Well, I don't know what the rest of the sentence is.

I mean, you're allowed to do whatever, man. It's more of an endemic drug. It's caffeine. Yeah. Have you had any of this drug today? None. And how often do you have this drug generally? Okay.

Caffeine, no kidding. And people who have listened to this podcast will know this. I quite enjoy drugs. I think they're a good time. Yeah. I honestly think caffeine's my fave. Really? Yeah.

Would you be the last one you would give up? Yeah, I think so. Holy moly. Yeah. What happens if you forget to have caffeine? Well I do sometimes because I like it so much that then my body gets used to it and then I'll like forget to have a coffee and then I'll get a headache and I just I don't want to be addicted to anything. You binge and purge. I don't binge as much anymore. Yeah, you binge and purge. Big time, man. Wait, wait. Oh, you're purging, so you're rid of it. Okay, yeah. That's no healthier than just being addictive outright, isn't it?

I don't know. You could be right, but at least the addiction is interrupted for a bit. For like two months or something, I'll go, no coffees. And I try to just go one coffee a day these days. Your body will be like sweet respite. Shit's coming out solid. Sleep's regular. Everything's groovy. Well, the sleep thing I have gotten on top of

because I used to be quite psychotic and have coffees oh so late in the day. There's something a little bit European about an 8pm espresso though. There's something a bit delightfully Italian about that. Europeans have a different constitution they can handle it you know i always think about tim when i think about um us us you and i and us as a as a country yeah and a people um guy tim land well we're not european like you know like mediterranean

europeans are we're european of descent in that we're Pākehā. But think about when we went to one of our trips to Los Angeles and we were flying back to New Zealand and we got off the plane and he said, oh, we're back in the land of the potato people. And I think about it, you know, probably monthly. I think about... I might have gotten that turn of phrase from matt

hey from me wow i think he might have coined that friend of the pub matt hey yeah there is there's something to it though isn't there well i just think when i think about like a potato person can't have an espresso after eight o'clock because it's just gonna stain the potato yeah you know it'll ruin the potato it's just different anyway i am i've already had can i tell you i've already had i've had two mocha masters and one um i'm flat white already today really this is my fourth coffin it's early right now yeah i got up at um i got up at quarter past six you just were like i'm gonna get Yeah, I got up at quarter past six. You just were like, I'm going to get everything done.

I got up at quarter past six and then realised I'm not allowed to go on a screen and just started drinking coffee. Wow, that's cool. Do you like that though? Do you like overloading on coffee from time to time?

No, no, I don't at all. Oh, no. And I've already done... You've already pushed it. I've already pushed something out. You know. Poos you're talking about. Yeah.

Classy. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in

or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs walks and hikes led by expert instructors on the app call yourself a runner peloton all access membership separate learn more at one peloton So for me, an iced oat latte. For Tim? An oat flat white. I'm almost certain I brought this up last time we were doing podcasting in a tree and did the caffeine one. But just in case I didn't. Did we do caffeine in a tree last time? Yeah, I think we did for one of the episodes.

It's an important drug. The world we live in is run on caffeine and cocaine for a long time and I think it would go a lot better if we were a mushrooms and weed society I like this thought do you genuinely think

the world is run on cocaine? well coffee and cocaine everything's like up up up quick quick quick buy a bank are powerful people more likely to be teetotalers or users? Now, well I can't answer that directly, but what I will say is the leaders who are teetotalers, I cannot trust. Yeah, yeah.

Because then you have your hands so firmly gripping the wheel that it makes me super nervous about everything. That's one of the scariest aspects of Donald J. Trump. Lovely spot to sit. Thank you. firmly gripping the wheel that I, it makes me super nervous about everything. That's one of the scariest aspects of Donald J. Trump. Thank you. You too, brother. Don't you think that the scariest, well, one of the many very scary things about Trump is that he's just like, no booze, no nothing. I know, the unvarnished truth.

But he's not, he's not teetotaling there. He's got to be on he's on um that's a good point like you know and i think these people qualify if it's not illegal so if it's an over-the-counter opioid or upper yeah they still think no i'm clean even though i'd say it's probably having a more detrimental effect to their cognitive function than say just every fourth weekend having some psychedelics yeah but that helps i think it gives a perspective to the you know the universality of experience do you know a joke i wrote once which i never thought got what it deserved was uh

great preamble i enjoy an acid weekend from weekend to weekend yeah that's good it's a tidy line yeah never quite felt it got what it deserved it's a funny thing isn't it jokes trying to get um what do you do in that situation i've got jokes where i've said them i just keep running them yeah i say do you change nothing i know i change everything around them so say okay i'll put all this padding around for you i know these ones are funny for everyone, but I'm going to keep saying this one for me because I think it's pretty crack up. And then does it ever come right?

Very rarely. Every now and then the bat will connect with the ball. Yeah. But it won't. There's a joke I was doing at Open Mike's where I couldn't get any laughs about Maybelline. I think if it turns out she was born with it they had some nerve putting their name in the mix and no one would laugh and i would say after every time afterwards

i say that's going to be a joke you'll see and i i wrapped a lot of jokes around it to sort of trick the audience i guess but that i elevated that the joke status so to all the doubters i'd like to say address the camera guy i am camera one which one is camera one uh yeah that one yeah i'd like to say you and your dumb ass comedic tastes that james a caster joke where he's like talks about how he knows the most about comedy and he's has to get approval from the people who know less He knows the most about comedy and he has to get approval from the people who know less than him. Demoralising it. That's very good. He's clever isn't he that guy?

Hope he's doing well James. Hey now, mid-drug I suppose, I've brought something along for us to experience, review I guess. We ate a lot of sandwiches in the first season. Damn right. And what I thought I'd do this time is I'd describe this as not a

pre-sandwich, something I traditionally will have before a sandwich, if I'm feeling European. Yeah. This is an almond croissant. Now I've got this almond croissant from a bakery on Mount Eden Road. Dude, so as you know we've been listening back to season one episodes and the almond croissant is something that has permeated from the very earliest days of the podcast. There's two things you can set your watch to with worst idea of all time.

Guy and Tim watching a bad movie and almond croissants finding their way in the mix. Well. I'm so delighted it's here. Yeah, yeah. How could it not be so thank you sir now I don't you know this is the this is like a test can I take a bite yeah yeah you can eat as much as you want it's yours this is a control croissant

I guess like you know I haven't had an almond croissant probably all year so I'm sure on entry I'm just gonna like it for being an almond croissant. I'm going to like it for who it is. I can already tell you though it's not the number one almond croissant I've ever had. Okay. It's yum. It's an almond croissant but... What elevates an almond croissant for you? There is, at Cazador there is a moistness within the flakiness. Yeah. That just, I'll say that as someone who's not crazy about Amé Croissants, though you wouldn't be able to pick it.

No, no, not the way you're talking about them right now. In-depth critique. But all the loves of my life love an Amé Croissant. Guy Montgomery, my wife Zoe. She, she loves an almond croissant. I think this is good. I know what you mean like What's that almond filling Paul? I want to say it's marzipan, but it's not. Mmm. I know what you mean. It's not quite butter. I wonder if the new microphones make it more or less disgusting to talk.

That's a form of misophonia you have, eh? Have you ever watched a food show? I mean the cooking is all good, I like a chop chop chop and I like a peel peel peel. But how do they do the audio mix when they do the mouthfuls? I'm thinking of Nigella Lawson just being like, basically having an orgasm while tasting a teaspoon of chocolate sauce. One way to cover up the smacking lip sounds. Yeah yeah exactly. So have a screaming orgasm. Noisy mouth or am I coming at this pudding? Yeah. I'm coming at this pudding. Fellas have the most pathetic orgasms eh? They're so quiet. Yeah. It's like they're trying to keep a secret. No, perhaps not the Italians. Have you made an Italian man come Tim? Not yet.

Not yet. I want you to score this out of five. Three. Wow. You? Three's too low, man. You reckon? 3.5. It's 3.5 I'm going to put this on. They're worse. I'm holding steady. Okay.

But I'm really enjoying it. And I appreciate you getting it and bringing it. What's 6.5 out of 10 divided by 2? 3.75. No, 3.25. Oh wait, what did you say again? 6.5. 3.25. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, man. It's okay.

Man. Don't hurt yourself, dude. Math, though. Forget about it. What do you think of the city at the moment, Guy? I haven't been spending very much time at all in this town of ours recently. Well. I feel a little disconnected from the city.

I actually have. I went for a disconnected from the city. I actually have. I went for a walk through the central city yesterday. Hmm. And the sun was shining. And there was sort of a few people mixing and mingling around, I went into a fantastic bookstore. I bought a book. Then I went to like a, we're not known for alleyways, but I went to a little pub down an alleyway and I had a pint while I read my book and I was by

myself. I was truly by myself. Sounds like a hot day. And I was thinking, this is like thinking this is like really good that's what i was thinking and also i was enjoying the sort of i was enjoying the the city which is not something i'm i'm never in the city really it's a funny thing where you know they're building a lot of train stations i understand but they've been doing it for so long i've forgotten that there's an end goal. I just assumed that, you know, like the areas where the train stations will be, to me, are just permanent construction sites. So the, like, when the surprise, the reveal, when they said, we were actually building something. They're like, what? That's going to feel remarkable. That's what I think.

It's going to be an incredible day. And it's going to happen in something like two years. What's that? Maybe a year. Yeah. incredible day and it's going to happen in something like two years. Is it? Maybe a year. Yeah. They've been going for a phenomenally long amount of time. And you're right, this city is just in a permanent state of... All big cities are, but this city in particular,

it got hit hard. I just think... Tried to build a train the same time Covid hit out. I just miss... What I wish there was more of is people walking that's what the city lacked

yeah and then maybe that's what I was enjoying yesterday was people were walking speaking of your delightful pub excursion with a book the bit of Auckland I'm living in now West Auckland is controlled

the boozes by this board. Yeah. And I think I want to free up some time to take these guys down. Really? Yeah. Everything I'm finding out. What's their problem?

We've got a fucking situation out here in West Auckland. What's the deal? So unlike anywhere else in New Zealand, they've got this incredibly restrictive alcohol licensing board and it seems to be like nine people sitting on this board and the the chair earns like a million dollars a year to be the chair of this board and they're getting away with it because they dish out a little bit of money to charities in the neighborhood but it's stopping any small bars or independent breweries

starting up you can't buy booze at the supermarket yeah so then countdown just make a wine store opposite the countdown supermarket and the only two people benefiting it seems to me are the monopolies the big supermarkets who can afford to like get this big expensive liquor license and these people they're paying their money to something's got to be done about this guy the big supermarkets who can afford to like get this big expensive liquor license and there's people they're paying their money to something's got to be done about this guy you're the guy all right well i've moved in now there's a new sheriff in town can i ask in the last three years how many trees have you been up? Zero. Really? Since we last...

Did this? That's a lie, maybe two. I reckon I did some climbing and I've forgotten about it when I was with some high school buddies at one of our famous get togethers. Yeah, they are famous. It's always in the news. Yeah. Let him write, I say.

Let him record it. Well, not a lot, not a lot else to say in this tree for me, Tim. No, I don't think so. So time to review the tree. I'm giving Climbability a three and a half, same as what you gave the Armour Croissant well you went down to 3.25 didn't you? That was the average of our scores. Oh yeah 3.5 for me. Beauty? Four. It's a stunning tree. It's got very old branches and new growth coming off of it. Something quite awesome about that.

Can't recall what the other metrics were, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on this tree, Greg. I mean, this has got to be a four for climability. I think your bravery is what you're reviewing negatively there. I think this is, as far as climbable trees go, negatively there. I think this is as far as climbable trees go. I'm looking at, there's one, two, three, four, five offshoots from the central trunk that are climbable. How many trees can you say that for? See here's the problem, Guy, they're just one central big offshoot but there's not enough

complexity to hold on to stuff. Up there there you can shimmy up there you can go up you can go up higher you can go out further i'll try and get a shot on the um cell phone camera it's hard not to figure in the surrounds so it's hard to analyze a tree just for the tree it is isn't it you're talking about this bit huh you're talking talking about this bit here it's for climability i think i'll give it a four for beauty this is a four four star tree a four star tree yeah overall there you have it folks we've started oh so strong on the first episode of podcast in a tree thanks for joining us you're feeling high i'm i'm feeling a bit more peepee yeah oh yeah yeah you can actually feel the caffeine taking hold absolutely Absolutely, I can.

If I got stung by a bee, I'd just have to like, I'd fall to my broken leg. Can you just take the sting? I would try to, but, you know. Are you aging? Is this podcast about you getting old? We're all getting old, man. Not me. Really?

Nah. I told you, I woke up, I was feeling a bit bit tense and i think i'm bringing that to the tree i'm gonna um extend my prime you dude i'm just gonna do it i don't know how i'm not making any changes to my diet or lifestyle really pretty healthy guy i'm pretty healthy. I could be a lot healthier. But then you're sacrificing lifestyle. For example, I don't need to do a giant rock of crack cocaine every morning. However, However, These banks aren't going to buy themselves.

That's right. And here we are. Who owns the banks? It's a question for another day. I started wrapping this up ages ago. I reckon I started wrapping it up. That's true. But you've introduced some interesting veins

that I don't have a huge amount of propensity to explore. That's okay, I got sleep in my eyes. Oh boy. Guys are going to get that out and we'll catch you guys in the next episode of Podcasts in Tree Season 2. We'll see you in the next tree. See you there. With a guest. Oh.

We're going to have a guest. It's not just going to be us. Okay. It's going to be a third person. They're not allowed in the tree though. Okay. Guest on the ground. Guest on the ground. Guest on the ground. Always. On each step with Peloton, from their pop runs to walk and talks,

you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in or bring your classes with you for outdoor runs, walks, and hikes led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton all-access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running.