The Worst Idea Of All Time - Podcast In A Tree 6

Episode Date: July 6, 2021

Welcome back to the podcast mini-series recorded in a tree. Today, Tim and Guy are getting high in a tree and high on life. They ascend nature inside of an Auckland park that Monty is deeply familiar with and are joined by comedy musical superstars Laura Daniel and Joseph Moore aka Two Hearts. Please enjoy the discussion around teenage public pashing (French Kissing, if you're American).TWO HEARTS Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

this should be the show for a start i'm glad that we're recording i'm glad we're recording because this is the show hello everyone and welcome along to podcast in a tree i'm an extreme peril withil. With Tim Batt and Guy McGormy, the only podcast recorded in a tree for you to listen to at home, maybe on your commute. Maybe by this point in the season, you too have started listening to these in trees. Maybe that's a relaxing thing for you to do,

to climb up a tree and listen to other people in a tree conversing. We are currently... There's something self-defeating about our intention of doing a podcast that's nice and relaxing and outside, outdoors, and then it becomes life-imperiling? It was always a risk. I certainly don't feel as relaxed as I have in other trees before. Although I would say this tree is ergonomic

in the position I've currently assumed. My back could not be more well arched. And I'm just positioning myself so that for anyone joining us with video will be able to see my face as I record. I now realize, Tim, I mean, one of the myriad places we've gone wrong in today's setup is that where your crotches and legs are, that's where I was sort of counterbalancing in my position.

Oh. And then now this is a very risque shot for anyone enjoying the video stream. Well, it's actually, I won't stand for that. It's a monstrous hog. And the more people who know that, the better. Why do you need to rename it based on its size? Because you said they're going to get a little Monty P. Oh, yeah, they'll get a little.

No such thing, Tim. They'll get a little vision of a big object, you know? It's like getting a little bit of a, I don't know, extra large mashed potatoes. Can I liken your junk to a KFC delicacy? No, if you are to liken my junk to any sort of potato, mashed is the last one on my list. I can't tell you how

dangerous this particular set up feels to me. But I still feel good. The basic principle of the show, as well you know at this point, is we get in a tree and we just sort of kick back, relax. This one involves a lot of technical jiggery-pokery. It's quite finicky. You can hear, or I can hear,

what started as a cool breeze and is sort of turning into a prevailing wind. They won't hear it as much. Okay, that's good for them. Yeah, because I can get some of that out in post because I'm a genius who might die today in a tree. But you will die doing what you love.

That is so true. Balancing several different pieces of audio and visual equipment for the greater good. He died as he lived in a tree. Well, look. Guy, let's do a check-in to start with. We've sort of touched around the sides of it, but let me explicitly ask, how are you doing?

Oh, man, I'm good. This is actually, this is not my local tree, but this is my local park. We're in Awairaka, which is Mount Albert, which is sort of the shoulder suburb in which I live here in Auckland. And I've spent, I'd say I've been up and down this, I mean, it's pretty generous to call it a mountain, but this hill or this steep gradient over 150 times this year. I've spent a huge amount of time coming up and down this hill.

Does this incline self-identify as a mountain? On maps, on topographical maps, it would say it's a mountain, and then the other mountains would look at the topography of the map and it would say, you're pushing it, mate. I'd say no, absolutely not. But you'll break a sweat if you walk up here. And there are some beautiful trails around. You get a lot of native birds.

Children playing, if we're lucky, we'll pick up some of that on mic. You'll get a picture for just how relaxing the scene is. That is the scene on the ground, I imagine. Up in the tree, things are still tense. Tim is a man of perpetual motion right now. Even as the show has begun he he craves the perfect shot and i think he's framing up his cell phone i imagine that this is what we will wind up uh calling tree cam which is not a shot of a person so much as a steady shot of a part of a

tree in fact by my eyes that is a camera pointing at another camera also in the tree um you could probably go fuck yourself. I think it's getting out. Would that I could, Tim, but we're in a public space. A lovely, oh, wait. Do you reckon you're in shot of that camera? Because if not, this is for naught. And I have really risked my life.

I mean, I am now. No, leave it, leave it, leave it, leave it. I won't. Okay. How about now? That feels like it's pointed at you. Yeah, near enough. This is the make of tree, the genus, the species is.

Oh, once again. Unknown to me, I don't think you know. I don't know why you enter into it if you don't know. Because it would be nice to know. It would be nice for the listener to get a visual picture of what sort of tree we're dealing with. I hear you. Let me talk about what I'm holding. Okay.

This is actually probably a beginner's crash course in podcasting. If you listen to all the things that Tim's holding, you could buy them and start your own podcast. This is a h a beginner's crash course in podcasting. If you listen to all the things that Tim's holding, you could buy them and start your own podcast. This is a HodgePot. It's like a Franken-audio device. It's a good name for an audio company. We've got Sennheiser equipment plugged into a Tascam. We've got Rode microphones plugged into a Tascam.

We've got different flavors of wireless. We've got different flavors of wireless. We've got different brands of headphones. In fact, we're representing a wide gamut of audio brands. You've got Audio Technica headphones on. I don't know what ones I'm talking about. Until one of them, you've got AG something. AKG. AKG.

Until one of these companies pony up and start lining our pockets with cash, we will continue to use one of everything. 100%. I remember when I was a boy or maybe early teen, I used to want to have enough of one brand in my wardrobe that I could wear all of the clothes simultaneously and feel as though I was sponsored by that brand. And it never quite happened.

I was lucky enough to be wearing a hodgepodge of some of the coolest surfwear brands available to a boy of 11 in Christchurch, New Zealand. Your billabongs, your quicksilvers, your mambos on my more exotic days. Didn't brands do a good job, if that was your goal as a child, to be like, I'm going to get a whole set? Yeah.

It's like, oh, it's not quite the same, but you know, at supermarkets at the moment, they give kids like little toys, which are actually just products, just placed in tiny versions of like breakfast cereal boxes. There is a supermarket in New Zealand which gives them seedlings to plant gardens. Way cooler.

And that is a lot cooler. I would also like to say that as an adult, it does bother me when I see someone wearing like Adidas track pants and Nike shoes. Really? Yeah, I think have some fucking self-respect walking out of the house like that you're clearly confused wow what are you doing out in the wild you're not ready to leave the house really that is genuinely what

i think i think you must look at me all the time be like what the fuck is this guy got going on i i love and respect you because you're like you're not wearing so much athleisure wear across purposes you're wearing a healthy blend of various different brands, at a guess. I mean, and it's all pointless, really, isn't it? Because it's all constructs. Either way, we're lining the pockets of billionaires. These pants are unbranded and from Japan. They were very expensive, and they're incredibly hard-wearing.

These pants have seen a lot of action. Unbranded? Yeah. How does the shop you bought them from feel about that oh like you know they've got a label on them but they don't they don't explicitly have a brand i'm dangling a leg and i'm wondering if it's getting in the way of a shot that we're going to go to because my god i'm excited about our guests that's right i mean there's no time for that yet what it is time for is our first segment okay but i also interrupted

you no no that's okay well the first segment tim you're gonna I also interrupted you. No, no, that's okay. Well, the first segment, Tim, you're going to love this one. It's new to you and me. Uh-huh. It's a knife in a tree. Oh, fuck. Yes, dude. Yeah, I bought a knife up the tree. It's an Opinel Savoy from France.

These are some really high quality and durable knives. Hell, yeah. It's a little bit rusted, but that's from general wear and tear. I've chopped an apple with this knife. Uh-huh. You could probably carve some bark off. Look at that. Look at chopped an apple with this knife. You could probably carve some bark off. Look at that. Look at the way it just shoots through.

That was incredible, but, you know, leaves the tree alone. And, yeah, I mean, actually, I just pierced the tree. I was just peeling a little bit of bark off to show the general application of the knife, and I pierced the tree so deep that some tree juice, sap. Sap? Is that what's inside the brunch? Yeah, dude.

A lot of people just call it sap. Hey, do you know what's crazy? Maple syrup. You ever thought about that shit? You literally can connect a tap to the right kind of tree, and then you've got a delicious treat. That is crazy. I mean, genuinely.

People pay so much money for it. I know, but the thing is, I'm so thick and so ill-informed and have no notion on how anything works that if I think about anything long enough, it blows my mind. Hold on. That just makes you intellectually curious. I think it's the opposite of your assessment.

I can't walk down a street without thinking, wow, all of these buildings were built. Do you know how hard it is to get through a morning if you're looking at every building being like, yep. That's awesome. I reckon that's great. I reckon you're the actual smart person. No, but I don't know.

I see to see wielding the knife into a tree. I don't know how to build a building. That's okay. What do I bring to? Someone else is on it. Someone else is on it. What do I bring to the world? You are co-hosting Podcasts in a Tree,

one of the most important projects in human history, I think. This is really, this is big shit, man. This is some big stuff. Why else would I, I honestly, I cannot get like a good seated position because now I'm carrying the audio device. It weighs a lot. We were asking the tree to hold that for us on a lean. Yeah, the tree would not apply.

And I'm okay with that because it's not the tree's responsibility to hold our equipment. Really, it is ours. So that's all good. So can I just tell you quickly while we're on knife in a tree? Yeah. This knife has a wooden handle. Yeah, it's beautiful. How do you think it feels being back up in a tree?

Probably good until you forced it to inflict damage on its brethren. But that was the metal end. Do you think the wooden end, because wood and metal are traditional foes. Do you think that the... Fire and wood don't get along. Metal and wood are okay. Are they? I feel like they're natural enemies.

Do you think that the metal end of the tree is sort of taunting, the metal end of the knife is taunting the wooden end of the knife saying, I took some of your kin. Yeah, man, maybe. That's horrible to think about. Yeah.

I'm going to, I'm going to close the segment and the knife. Time for our second segment. Thank you so much for bringing the knife into the tree. I thought you were going to kick out of that. Can I point it at you? Yeah, I'd like you to do that because I would point,

yeah, I would, yeah, I don't like it at all. I would do this to do that because I would point. Does that feel threatening? Yeah, I don't like it at all. I would do this to Guy constantly in our other podcasts that we study over all time. Back when there were several iterations of the knife, the spirit of the knife continued through many physical forms

and I would constantly jab it in your direction. Horrible feeling. I never really appreciated how dastardly it was as an action until you did it one time to me. And I was like, this doesn't feel good at all. No, it is unbelievably threatening. Yeah. And yeah, I mean.

Our second segment today is. I was just going to say. Okay. Knives. The guns of cutlery. That was worth it. Yeah. Our second segment today is drugs in a tree.

And today's drug is life, baby. We are high on it. That's right. Crizzos won't shut up about it. T-Totalers won't shut up about it. Straight Edge folks won't shut up about it. The reformed alcoholics won't shut up about it. Life is where it's at.

Yeah. A sober mind is a powerful weapon. And there's no greater feeling than climbing a tree and remaining clear-headed the whole way through the process. How do you feel about sobriety in general? You had a recent episode of sobriety. Well, I've observed probably in the last 12 months four, four and a half months of sobriety, and I think it's outstanding. Since I started in new zealand you you tend to start uh experimenting with alcohol quite young we've got a huge binge

drinking problem here we've got an issue and i don't know that i would have taken that much time off sequentially at any point since i was 18 and honestly i was pleasantly surprised and refreshed at how easy it was it makes getting out of bed in the morning uh simpler and also it's great to exit your pre-existing relationship to alcohol and admire it for what it is which is sometimes an unnecessary sort of um it's interesting to call poison a luxury item but it's like you know you you can observe outside of yourself how easily you create an excuse to have a beer or how immediately at the end of a hard day's toil you might reach for a beer and think, I can have this.

Often what's happening is you're just... Bored. Or thirsty. Or want a reward. You want an experience. I want a reward. Yeah, you want a taste experience in your mouth. Kombucha has held my hand through some of the year.

This is why seltzer is having such a research. Seltzer is so hot right now. People need a little mouth reward. I will say this though, we had some friends over for a party during one of these periods. Thank you. And I would have drunk while they were all, like the only time you'd sit

down and drink one thing, so like such a huge volume of one thing as if you're drinking beer. You drink litres of the stuff. But like, fuck you dude. Nah now let's get into that crate day rip open a whole box of big bottles that aren't really make yourself for human consumption sick you feel like a giant drinking them and then feel like an absolute fucking mess at the end of the day yeah spewing on your mates counting down the rocks hottest 100 hits of the

last 40 years just waiting to see if stairway will make it in the top five again this year while the sun beats down on you and gives you melanoma at an older age. It's what this country is all about. It's what we were built on. Yeah, brother. All that to say that when I was observing sobriety, like when we had people over this party, the same time that people were just drinking beer or whatever i had beer kombucha seltzer a tea i had orange juice you were drinking around

the world exactly i was just frantically grabbing for any different taste experience to keep myself engaged and stimulated and i was like this is odd this can't be quite right. Yeah. What do you think about sobriety? Not a fan. I will say this, though, in defense of not drinking, I had terrible acne as a teenager and never put two and two together. It was like to my horrific drinking habits. Seriously? Until I started to chill out slightly in my mid-20s. And then my skin cleared up a little bit. I was like, oh, maybe these things are related.

And you know what? They were. So a hot tip for any drunken things are related. And you know what? They were. So a hot tip for any drunken teenagers out there, if you want to get rid of some zits, maybe drink some water every now and then. It ties in nicely with the notion of marketing, doesn't it? Because these alcohol companies are so powerful and they just throw millions or billions of dollars

at marketing sort of well-flavored poison. You know a beer is not nice because the first time you drink a beer, it tastes like fucking garbage water. Nah, I'm not on board with what you say. Alcohol's got its place. We love it. We love a bit of booze.

I'm all right with it. I'm not calling it poison. It is. It is. It's if you're listening. I don't co-sign with what he's saying. Okay. I don't think...

Where's my camera? Is that my camera? Hey, alcohol. It's all right. It's literal poison. And if you drink the right amount of it, you'll feel pretty nice Is that my camera? Hey, alcohol. It's alright. It's literal poison. And if you drink the right amount of it, you'll feel pretty nice. But then the next morning, you'll observe that it's poison because you'll feel nasty.

Sobriety is a good drug too, though. With that, time for another segment. Absolutely. We've had you know and you love guests on the ground but have you ever heard of such a thing as guests on the ground? Oh, shit. That's right, everybody. Please welcome to the podcast, On the Ground, In the Park, Laura Daniel and Joseph Moore.

Do you reckon you could hold this for a bit? Absolutely. Hey, guys. How are you doing on the ground? Hey. Good. It's good down here. It's fantastic down here, guys.

You're missing out. Oh, what? No, no. It's all going on up here. I don't know. The ground's pretty, you know, there's some different textures going on. The lawn's just been mowed, so that actually creates a little bit

of fun. Are you picking up a smell from the lawn, or is it not that recently mowed? I'd say last three days. Pretty recent. I'd say two days, because yesterday was very sunny, so it's still got some green texture on it, but it's just a bit dry. Don't be afraid to embrace the experience.

Laura, I see you're in Jandals. You could actually, you know, put your feet, you could ground your feet. This is a big thing in massive urban areas. They go on grass and they take their shoes off and they do something called earthing themselves. How does that feel? Fine.

Just about right. Well, the grass that we talked about, it's quite dry and lost now. So the softer stuff is the grass that's still alive. Laura, Daniel and Joseph are more big stars in New Zealand. If you're an international listener, you might know about them if you're international as well. You bloody well should. They are well known for being themselves, but then when they unite their powers, they become a musical duo,

the likes of which we've never seen or exported from New Zealand. If you've seen Captain Planet, if you've seen Voltron, if you've seen Power Rangers, you'll be aware of something being greater than the sum of its parts. I would say as powerful as Joseph Moore and Laura Daniel are separately, that is a good metaphor for two hearts. I often think it must be really tough for them to get out of the bed as independent people before they fuse their powers

and become something worthwhile. Dragon Ball Z is another example. You guys are like Gojira. Three men and a baby. That's exactly right. When those three men fuse together Like a man rat king That's when they were able to finally raise a baby So maybe two

No we'll call you Laura and Joseph But two hearts is your prank We go by either Obviously you had different experiences growing up What was your respective relationship to trees? Let's start with Laura Daniel. My relationship to trees was, you know, pretty, it was okay. Yeah.

I had a tree house. Oh. Yeah, the tree house was on the ground. So a house made of trees. Yeah. Yeah, essentially. That was it. I grew up in Palmerston North, which is definitely like an inland kind of metropolis.

Trees were all you had, really. Metropolis is a very generous sort of descriptor. Tell us a bit about Palmy North as well, Laura. I just hate to diverge from the treehouse so quickly, but it's an interesting city. There are a lot of trees there. It's one of our beautiful cities where it's completely flat, so you can get anywhere in 10 minutes.

Even though it is quite widespread, you know, it's probably the fifth biggest town, city? They'd be pushing it. Yeah, it would be, because when they do the weather in New Zealand, they always hit Auckland, Hamilton, Wellington, Christchurch, Dunedin. Not high nor hair of Palmy North.

Yeah, well, that's on them. You've just got to figure out where you're close to and kind of plus or minus a few degrees from that. But, no, I do remember, oh, that's what we had. We couldn't quite climb the tree in our backyard because it was one of those trees that doesn't have low-hanging branches, if you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah. But next to it, my mum had managed get us um a cherry picker oh so i had the sensation of being up high like i was in a tree but through a mechanical but through mechanical

means what your mom bought you a cherry picker as a child she didn't buy it we were very poor um growing up my mom would acquire things. Stole a cherry picker? I think it was like junk left over from somewhere. My mum had this amazing way of trying to make things fun. So I even remember like for a fun activity, she'd take us to, the circus would come to town and there's this big flat patch of grass, a lot of trees in the centre of Palmy and the circus would be set up there

or the AMP show with like lots of rides and like light up things and she'd let us get 50 cent ice creams from mcdonald's and sit outside and watch people go on the rides oh and did that did that like did that work yeah on your pliable childhood mind yeah it did i was like oh what what a treat we get to go watch some like fast spinning lights hell yeah and have an ice cream? Yeah. That's resourceful. It's quite a powerful way to develop either empathy or some sort of experiential thing. Because if you are divining joy from watching other people

do the thing that ostensibly you're meant to enjoy doing, that's incredible. Yeah. What a gift. It's having fun on a budget. Having fun on a budget for other people. Were you known by your friends as someone who could be found in a tree? Did you like the climb?

Did you initiate climbs? You know what? I don't think I did initiate climbs. If someone was like, should we climb that tree? You'd be like, oh, yeah, okay. I think, okay, here's my thing with trees. I was a big fan of the movie Pollyanna. Either of you recall the movie? I do not know I was a big fan of the movie Pollyanna. Do either of you recall the movie?

I do not know Pollyanna. You don't know Pollyanna. Okay. Well, this is a travesty because it's a classic. Okay. My bad. Pollyanna. Let me open with this.

My bad. Pollyanna, she plays the glad game, but in it, at one stage, it's either her or a boy. One of them, they climb a tree. They climb a tree to see each other or something, and she falls out of the tree, and she breaks her legs, and she ends up in a wheelchair. So I kind of had that haunting me the whole time. Yeah, Jesus.

Understandably. Around trees. So whilst I have a lot of love for trees, I'd usually just, the amount I would climb is about, you know, I'd stay pretty close to the ground. Yeah, I'd love to see whoever funded that movie, probably the big ground lobby, pulling their resources and putting out some propaganda. I've also actually, that's right.

Yeah, I'm scared of heights. Oh, hold on. This just in. I'm scared of heights. Well, I'm one of those people, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll give anything a go. And I've gotten myself into situations where I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's all good. I'll do that. And then all of a sudden it gets to it.

I'm like, oh, that's right. You hate being up high. you are describing my experience of skydiving yeah because I just say yes and I'm like yeah great yep yep yep and I was like yep driving out to the airfield yep sweet good this is fun didn't get me until I was in the plane and it had taken off and I was like oh I gotta I've got to jump out of this. And that was scary. Understandably. But I think a good moral of the story, Laura Daniels, always say yes. Yeah. Unless you know better already. Joseph, what about yourself?

You grew up in beautiful Wellington. Wellington, yes. In a, you know, I guess comparatively privileged middle class environment where I was far too busy going on the rides to climb any trees I was sort of ghost trained 24-7 we had one tree in our backyard a corphi, a beautiful corphi

and I used to get up that a bit, I have a negative memory telling my mum I was off to climb up the tree and for her to call me down at

4.30pm because the very first episode of Goosebumps the TV show was going to air

and we'd all been very excited for it in our community and what community was that

Joe? The Goosebumps fan community which was they're going to fall into that little trap too. Which was me, Alan and Vuk from school.

And we got excited and she forgot to come get me. So immersed was I in the tree. Any notion of time disappeared and I missed the first episode, Monster Blood. I am so gutted to hear that your enjoyment of nature as a child prevented you from watching television. That is a devastating thing. Oh, sure. And I never climbed another tree.

That doesn't surprise me. It's such a perfectly on-brand story. We had a tree at primary school, or it was intermediate level, like 11, 12 years old, called the Passion Tree. Oh, we had one of those. Which you were to climb with your significant other at the time there was one day at school when we were 11 where everyone paired up

someone did it first and then everyone, whoever was left you just got the scraps or whatever and that was fine scraps? and I'm sure they thought they were getting the scraps too sure do 11 year olds describe other 11-year-olds as scraps?

Absolutely. Kids are pretty ruthless. Do you remember being 11? I do. Anyway, take your turns. If you hadn't pashed yet, and it was your open mouth kiss. Pash is a common term here. It's a bit international, isn't it?

French kissing. Yeah. Yes. So if you hadn't done it yet, either in your life or with your significant other, there's kind of a ritual at lunchtime where everyone would talk in the class beforehand. Joseph and whoever are going to go up the tree. No, not whoever. Blanche.

Blanche Edwards was in it. Who the fuck is this bitch? You've never once spoken about her to me. Oh, you've told me about Blanche. Wait, what? He talks about Blanche quite a lot. He's banging on about Blanche. Look, Laura, I'm sorry.

Blanche French Ford, the one that got away. Actually, French Ford, white. Anyway. That's probably true. Anyway, but you got the tree, and people would Count down Yeah

To the kiss And then They'd count up And your job Was to just To get the highest number To just Just stay

Just tongues waggling Around each other Oh man Those first kisses Are not enjoyable experiences They're so You're just sending your tongue Out to work

But also Quite often You were right I kind of forgot about this They were real spectacle Not an enjoyable experience. They're so... You're just sending your tongue out to work. But also, quite often, you were right, I kind of forgot about this, they're a real spectacle. There's a lot of people involved. There's a lot of onlookers and spectators. My first fridge kiss I remember was at Jally Park in Christchurch. Iconic spot. Iconic spot.

Home of a really good hydra slide. Yeah. Perhaps formerly. I'm not sure i haven't been for a while um and uh yes surrounded by a few chums uh i pashed felicity schwartzveger there i've seen it now that's not a real name no it's not and all of my friends had their backs turned at exactly the same moment but i did bash it her. Yeah, for the new Schwartz digger. Then she had to go back to Canada immediately afterwards. So don't ask to see her or anything.

She's not around. While on one hand, Joseph, hearing the way that some of the 11-year-olds would call the others scraps, there is something beautifully egalitarian about rounding up everyone who's not yet experienced a bash at intermediate before you're sent off to high school and being like, come on, guys, we've got to keep this school rep up. We're going to have a 100% hit rate.

No, because I, and also can I just quickly, in case it ever gets back to Blanche, I did not consider her the scraps at the time. She was highly sought after. And I was absolutely punching. Okay, Joseph. Alright.

We get it. You love Blanche. Okay, Joseph. All right. We get it. You love Blanche. She got away. I feel very stuck in the tree. I didn't know you could be stuck on the ground. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face, protecting the feelings of Blanche next to the current love of your life.

Can I just say, this is huge. So Laura and I are engaged to be wed. Oh, we are. And it's been about a month now since we've been engaged. Yes, we've spent so much time together. We did the Dragon Ball Z fusing. Yeah, yeah. Now you are Josephora. Yeah, Dora.

Actually. Losef. Manuel Dora is our joint name. Manuel Dora is so good. That was really good. Oh, that's the merging of our last names. Laura, as a public figure in New Zealand, has been, I wouldn't say hounded, but approached by the gossip magazine press.

Oh, for the pics. For the exclusives on our engagement. Oh my God, are you going to do it? And I'd like to say, we are giving our exclusive to Podcast in a Tree. Oh, yes. This is very big news. Yeah, I was like, Joseph, we could get money,

we could get free things paid for a wedding or an engagement. And I said, no, the boys in the tree need the story. I love this for everyone. I love this for us. I love this for you. This is the narrative climax

that this podcast has been building towards. Yeah, I just suppose we literally haven't talked to anyone about it, so there we go. And you can have the wedding as well. You can attend a tree. Can we watch the wedding from a tree nearby? Guy, are you registered? No, I'm not. I never finished.

Because I didn't finish in time for you, I was like, well, no one else is going to ask me to do this. We would hope you'd both be at the wedding. Well, certainly if there are some trees nearby. I'm actually busy. I'm so sorry. I can't make it.

Sorry. That's interesting. Can I ask, and feel free to veto this question, but did the gossip rags propose numbers to you? Did you see any figures that were like, we'll give you this much money to tell us what it's like to be engaged

no I don't think there's money yet there would only be money at the wedding stage I would say I see so that's just like hey

profile boosting Joseph wasn't super keen to do like a photo shoot where we both wear like white linen and sit on a piece of driftwood do you know what

I feel like Joseph would be keen to do that on his term. Yeah. For a music video, perhaps. Yeah, yeah. But not for Women's Weekly. I just realised I'm kind of on a piece of driftwood now. Oh, yeah, it's kind of it.

We're doing it. This is it. Is any of what you're wearing linen? Oh, that is an incredible shot. That's the shot. This is it. I'm literally unbelievable. I can't believe you've gifted this to us.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy for us. Just a screen grab at 720p of that. That's our official engagement photo. Can I just do a real quick check in with Guy? You've been adjusting your legs quite a bit. I'm a little bit worried about

your staying power in the tree. Staying rigid enough to not fall out. Are you okay? I'm great, man. All that adjustment is actually... legs quite a bit i'm a little bit worried about your staying power in the tree staying rigid enough to not fall out are you okay i'm great man just building all that adjustment is actually that that represents a newfound comfortability and relaxation in the tree um initially i sort of had to lock it i i always think if you see someone who's locked into one pose in a tree i'm like oh they they don't have any lateral movement you know times are tough but welcome to my world wriggling around in a tree it's like oh they've really made themselves at home up there. I'm fucked.

I'm carrying this audio device that weighs a ton, and I can feel the circulation leaving one of my legs. Oh, you've got to keep those legs pumping. Oh, boy. Can I ask you guys a question? Yeah. Always, Laura. What's your take on swings in a tree?

Oh, I love them. I've never actually thought of them as being married to one another because the swing is, while often hanging from the tree. Are you just going to hold it like that the whole time?

Often on the ground. You're going to pass it back to me. I'm holding it like this. This is how I'm holding it. Awesome. Can you engage with Laura's question,

please? Yeah, it's important. Instead of nitpicking my holding technique. It just looked like it was a pregnant pause and you were going

to give it back to me. No, this is why I've got such massive buys and tries because I hold things at right angles. And cum gutters. That's right.

I am pro tree swings. Big time. Do you know what the best ones are when they go across like water? Oh, fabulous. You're thinking more like a plank with the... Like a bit of driftwood.

That's like a plank with the rope in the centre rather than two ropes on either side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's good too, but I wouldn't call that a swing. That's one where you've got to do a bit of a run, jump, and then wrap your leg around it and hope it lands in a favourable position. And you've also got to hope there isn't a dead tree, otherwise known as a log, in the river or lake you're jumping into. That happens more than you would think.

Joseph and I spent five years and 100 episodes together combing through some of the world's greatest and worst fail videos. And the number of people who do not take appropriate safety precautions when swinging from a tree into water. It's no lie. Joseph and Guy used to host New Zealand's edition of Fail Army, a collection of the greatest goofs. Nothing worse than getting wet. Yeah, that's right. That was one of our big running bits,

is that being wet is the worst thing that can happen to a person. I'd rather be dead than wet. He's now quoting the show. Laura, you're like a massive tree swing person. There's something quite idyllic about it. I think it's beautiful. I think it's gorgeous. One thing I have thought about is often in New Zealand,

you see trees on, we have berms. Berms are termed as overseas, isn't it? I think so, yeah. Yeah, and if there's a rope swing on a tree that's on a berm, is that everyone's swing? Laura, I'm so glad you are. This is very relevant to the show because we were scouring a very prestigious Auckland street for trees.

We're not going to name it. We're not going to name the street. We might have on the other end. Yeah, it's Hakanoa Street in Grey Lynn, and there's this beautiful canopy that runs down the middle of the street, and these are really nice inviting trees that are sort of shaped like hands. Yes. And we were looking at one particularly lustily

and a woman was pulling into her driveway in her car and she said, what are you doing to my tree? And I said, well, we weren't even doing any of this. But I said, we're admiring it. And then she sort of, you know, somewhat aggressively...

Poked her head back inside her very expensive four-wheel drive, probably made by a Porsche or BMW. Yeah, and drove up and we were like, it's not even your tree. Just because it's in front of your property, that's the council's tree, which means it's everyone's tree. I pay my rates. But she has to mow the grass around that tree. They don't have to.

Now, that is something else, is you're expected to mow your own berm, but... You don't own the berm land. So why do you have to deal with the upkeep? We need to give property owners more rights. Do you know what? You're right. We do, yeah. I mean, the swing is a real...

Like on one of them down that road, they've actually put a ladder up into the tree and knocked a few planks of wood in there for sitting perches. Well, that would be fantastic for this podcast, wouldn't it? Yeah. Tell me about it. Technically, could you guys go sit there? We were too nervous. The assessment that we made is, you know what?

This is a fight we will have and a fight we could probably win, but it'll just cast too much of a negative shadow over the record. You don't want to be in the tree living in fear that someone's going to tell you to get down out of the tree. And you don't want negative press already out there before the podcast is released. Absolutely not. You know, like Titanic, James Cameron pulled it off. There's a lot of negative press about the film.

It'd gone over budget, but then it turned out to be a masterpiece. Hey, was it Titanic where a whole bunch of people got spiked with PCP? Oh, I heard that recently. I missed that story. Yeah, same. And Joe, you know so much about cinema that this would be a thing that I feel like you could verify. No, I'm sure it was Titanic.

I don't know everything. Someone said that a lot of the... This is how they protested against James Cameron's bullshit and treatment of the production team. But someone spiked the production team's drinking water with PCP and so everyone had to take a few days off. A shitload of PCP would be required to pull this kind of manoeuvre off. At first they thought it was bad seafood

because I think they had... Craft Services had prepared a whole thing of seafood. Well, it's quite easy because they just fish it off the side. Well, yeah, it's absolutely right. They're already in the ocean. He's a method director. They did shoot on water, and they did kill thousands of extras. And then a few of the crew went to hospital,

and they were not putting up the hallmarks of seafood food poisoning. And then they started testing them. They were like, hey, you guys are on PCP right now, which would be a terrifying revelation. Yeah, it's one of those ones you want to know about. You don't want to be told after the fact. Okay, I'll get it. What's PCP?

I don't even know because it's like, I think it's big in America but not big here in New Zealand. But it's like meth maybe? I think it's liquid. I know it was one of the drugs you could sell on the drug dealing game my dad had on his Palm Pilot. Dope Wars? Dope Wars. Dope Wars was

phenomenal. Are you sure they got spiked? It kind of seems like it's a film crew. They just took a bunch of PCP and got sick. Also very possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good cover story. It's actually quite good that we're covering this sort of salacious

second-hand information because now we've got a genuine... Like, we're really branding ourselves as a tabloid podcast now because we've got a genuine scoop

with a close source. Yes. And then we've also got sort of idle speculation that we're printing as truth. Oh, a dog! Oh, it's a beautiful dog as well.

Two beautiful dogs on the ground here. What breed? Can you identify it? Husky. Husky. I would like to give you guys a... I need to take that. Yeah, I'm going to get ready for our next segment.

Oh, yeah, very good. Now, can you do that without knocking me out of the tree? 100%. Fantastic. So, Joseph and Laura, you're aware of what the time is. I'm aware of what the time is. If you need to shoot off. We might have to.

Yeah. But can I just say it's been an absolute honour. Yeah. From the ground, yep, a couple of beautiful hounds. Oh, nice. And before there were some great soccer players. Oh. The weather has stayed consistent.

I'd say gentle breeze. We're also in control of that. One of the things about this Awaraka Park is like you do come up a hill or a mountain and then there is a genuine flat soccer pitch in the middle of this elevated area and that is a rarity and a beautiful thing.

A plateau. Joseph and Laura, thank you so much for taking part in this. Before you leave, I've just got one question for you. The final segment we do is called the Tree to Board. It's our tree leader board for the greatest trees. And we just need you guys to name the tree. It could be anything you like. This tree.

This tree that we're in right now. Not the Tiber tree, just the name. Give it our name. Yeah. Well, how about our joint name? Manuel Dor. Manuel Dor. I love it. Fantastic. That's really about our joint name? Manuel Dore. Manuel Dore. I love it.

Fantastic. This is really good. You're welcome. Two hearts. Thank you so much for joining us on the penultimate episode of Podcast in a Tree. I love you both dearly. And we'll see you at the wedding where we will be broadcasting. That's right.

I was going to say live, not live. Even if they don't let us, we'll set up a stream. You guys will be able to check it out from our perspective in the tree. Honestly, I think we're going to do things differently. We're open. Okay. Well, have a wonderful day, guys. Bye.

Goodbye, folks. See you. And they just unplug their audio equipment. You can just drop them on the ground. It's quite fun. Leaving Tim and I in the tree. Hey, you and me. That's right. We are ending as we began. I hope we're keeping the

audio of them taking, it sounds like they're walking out of the interview. Yeah, like we've said something horribly offensive. Really good stuff. Okay, well, there's not a lot left for us to do Tim, other than to rate this dang tree. Okay. So. Happy to. The tree to board. I think we'll start today with Climbability.

You found this tree yourself. Bye, guys. You picked it out of the lineup of trees available, and you said this is the one. I've spent a bit of time going up and down. I've enjoyed it. I've probably got up as high as I've been in any of the trees we've been in so far at one point. It's probably the tallest point we've been. And in that respect, the Climbability is good.

The entryway is a little bit challenging. Yeah, exactly. What do you think about that? Early barrier to entry. I'm sort of okay with it because it's one of those things where once you get past the hump, it's smooth sailing. So I am gravitating towards a four out of five. Okay, four out of five for climability.

Do you want me to take the mic? Do you need me to do that? No, no, I got it. We've just got to keep doing the sums in our head, but I'm ready to go. Great. Climbability is four out of five. Rest and relaxation. Talk to me.

Mate, it's not screwing high because early manual doors, I felt very endangered. And now I feel quite uncomfortable just because of how the branches have landed. Now that we're doing it, it makes me upset that we're taking that out on the tree. It's not the tree's responsibility to be comfortable for us. No, but it is. But we're still assessing it. Well, yeah, we're assessing it. So I'm going to give rest and relaxation a 2 out of 5, brother.

Okay. Can I actually bump it up to 2.5? Because I was initially uncomfortable, but as we discussed in the podcast, I did find the confidence and the movement to start enjoying myself. I love that. So that's six and a half out of a possible 10 so far. Next up, health. How healthy is this tree?

Take the lead on this, Guy. What do you think? Well, it's a tough one. I don't know what kind of tree we're in, so I don't know the hallmarks of it being healthy. But as I look around me, there's a lot one i don't know what kind of tree we're in so i don't know the hallmarks of it being healthy but as i look around me there's a lot of greenery the branches and offshoots are in bloom leaves abound some leaves healthier than others uh generally speaking it reaches up pretty high girthy trunk girthy lots of different bowers to enjoy both aesthetically and climbing wise

i think you know it would take a lot to get this tree down if we were to use as reese's metric to punch it down it would take a lot to punch this tree down meaning it is a very healthy tree i'll score it four out of five so that means that we are currently at 10 and a half out of 15 coming up next natural beauty what drew you to this tree and do you stand behind it the thing that drew me to the tree was more practicality uh of getting up in it and being inside of it because there was another tree not far from here which i sort of had imagined as the more local tim beat me to the to the setup but as the lower there was a tree i had my which i thought well that's like easy access

that one's screaming out for it but then you you went out on one of the branches, and what did you find? What did I find? You found it was slippery. Oh, it was quite slippery. It's deceptive. So it looked like a very easy tree to climb and get amongst, but it was quite slippery. So I got marked down for that. So natural beauty.

From the outside, looking in at this tree, it does possess natural beauty. It's, I mean, this isn't a supermodel. You know what I mean? I know, but are we veering into X-Factor territory there? Yeah, that's true. Natural beauty for me, probably three and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect.

Okay. So that is 14 out of a possible 20 with the one remaining thing being X-Factor out of four. What have you got for us? It's got some. It does, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. It really does. It's got a bit of spunk. A bit of attitude. If you look at where we've had to position different bits of kit,

the number of options available, not all necessarily perfect, but there's a lot, it's throwing up a lot of problems and also offering a lot of solutions. I feel like 2.5. 2.5 out of 4. Does that feel right to you? Yeah, I think that sounds pretty good,

which gives this tree a final score of 16.5 out of a possible 24, which is good for slotting into the bronze medal position just beneath Susan, just above 660. Manual door is the third best tree we've been in. Pretty good. I'm just going to get the scoreboard up on camera so that those of us at home can enjoy the visual. While you do that,

I'll provide a musical accompaniment for this segment. That's right. That is the music. Do you want to throw it to that one? You've got to imagine this. You've got to imagine this was in frame at some point. Do you know I think the name of that song is like Susan or something? It's an incredible name.

It's a woman's name. I just broke the leaderboard. The treaterboard. We can fix that, I reckon. You don't feel good about it. I'm bothered by it. Guy, I reckon We can fix that, I reckon. Oh, you don't feel good about it. I'm bothered by it. Guy, I reckon we can fix that. I don't want you to worry because it looks very fixable to me.

We just click it back into place. I know, I know, I know, but it's just like have some respect, man. Had a really nice time in the tree and now I've gone and done something like that. Not at all. No, it's stupid. No, no, no. It was dumb. It was.

Just put it back in the bag. Climb down with it. Come on. You've got to fucking think about these things. Hey, guys. All right. I'm genuinely spiraling. I can see and hear it.

So we're going to take a beat, and we're going to take a breath, and we're going to dig into this a little bit. That is not a big deal. And what you did was cool as shit. You threw it down there with a devil-may-care attitude. If anything, we just need a little more follow-through on that action. It was too light. It was too light, and it got caught in the wind,

and it landed on a corner. I thought it was going to sort of hold its course and land flat, and then it would have been great. It would have been convenient. It would have been fun, and I've just... It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

It's not a big deal. It's a white board. I don't know the name of it, but there is a art in Japan where you reassemble crockery that has broken and you glue it back together and the beauty of it is the fact that it is imperfect and has the cracks in it. You're right. You have added to this board by imbuing it with an experience that it will wear on its collar.

Thank you. This is a good thing. I say this is nothing but a win for us. Thank you, Tim. And thank you to Manual Door for hosting us. Who's the sponsor of this episode, Guy? I do forget. I'm glad you asked, Tim.

It's grass. It's on the ground. Not everywhere, but when it is, it's pretty nice. It's green. People eat it. No, animals eat it. People use it. They mow it.

They roll around on it. They put blankets on it and have a nap on it. You can't do that with everything, but you can do that with grass. Thanks so much to grass. And we will see you again later in our final episode of this run of podcast in a tree my name is tim bat my name is guy montgomery thank you to joseph moore and laura daniel aka two hearts and um happy climbing © BF-WATCH TV 2021