The Worst Idea Of All Time - REPLAY: Killionaire TV 1: Joe v Lexi

Episode Date: March 22, 2026

Welcome to the first episode of Killionaire TV. An exciting new fundraising and elimination project created by the people, for the people, in the interest of making the very same people, as wealthy as each other.In our first episode Lexi joins us from Ireland to pitch us about an artificial intelligence torture chamber with Mark Zuckerberg’s name all over it. We then hear from Joe in Nottingham, who proposes assuming commercial ownership of the Amazon rainforest and harvesting the power of the monkeys contained therein, to show Jeff Bezos the time of his life.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.Support the boys on their modern-day adventures at twioat.substack.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tim here, if you want to see me in the flesh and you're in New Zealand or Australia, good news. I'm coming to Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland and Wellington for the comedy festivals. Please buy some tickets now at timbat.com.com. He's Timbat. I'm Guy Montgomery. And this, well, this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire

dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find Juan Huina. Welcome to Killian. Hi, it's Tim and Guy here. Hi, Lexi. Hello. Hello.

Hi, Joe. Nice to see you both. Hello. I feel underdressed. You feel underdressed? A bit, yeah, you didn't say you guys would be to turn up in suits. Yeah, this won't be apparent on the final product, but Joe's internet is complete horseshit,

and it's very hard to understand what he's saying right now. Lexi can you concur with that, or is that our end? I just think it's another advantage, and I will take everything I can get. Where are you joining us from? Ireland. Ireland, sunny Ireland, home of the Irish. And how are you on this fine Irish day, night, evening?

something great thanks uh yeah just vibing who is the is there any billionaires in ireland um the only billionaires we have are the people who live here for tax purposes to be quite honest i think we do have some but we just don't really care like we're very um embarrassed to be wealthy i find in ireland what about the the guinness family are they beloved uh yeah i suppose uh they make an ad that we're all just like we all just like you know drop everything for every christmas and we're just like oh my god the ginnis ad It's Christmas again. And if I may use a segue, it sure is Christmas because Joe has rejoined us to shower us,

I'm sure, with an embarrassment of good ideas. All right, folks, welcome to Killiania. Lovely to have you both here. Joe, we hope that your internet sustains the call, and we will be deducting no points for any kind of technical fuckery, because that's not up to you. The marketplace of ideas, a dial-up connection should not hinder you. But, Joe, we are interested to know. you give us a sentence on how you're going and where you are to ensure that we can hear you loud

and clear? I am going well. I mean Nottingham, UK. It's nice and cold here. Dark. Yeah. It's nice. Yeah. Everything you'd imagine from Nottingham. Hold on. Is that sort of your vibe, Joe? Dark and cold is, that's a bit of you? It's where it ended up, yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Folks, I have written down a number that is between 1 and 10,000. Lexi, I'm going to get you to guess first. Whoever wins by getting the closest guess will get to decide who goes first. Lexi, between 1 and 10,000. 6,969.

69, 69. Yeah, that's a double comedy number. Brilliant. One of a great minds. And Joe. Really seizing the maximum opportunity with four digits at your disposal. You're going to be embarrassing. when I tell you that that's a sex number twice.

So, you know, egg on your face. Joe, your number choice, please. 4,2003. 3. Let me do some quick math just to figure out exactly who. Have you got it? I can't get it. It is.

Well, I wrote down the number 68. So, Joe, you are indeed closest. I feel like Lexi was in spirit was closer. I hear what you're saying, and that's true and very magnanimous of you to bring up, but in fact, we are both wrong to say that it is closer. So, Joe, you get to decide, would you like to go first or second with your pitch? I will go second, if that's okay. Of course.

A fascinating power play. Joe, I'm going to mute your mic. You will get to hear what's going ahead of view, so well done on that advance. But Lexi, without further ado, I believe the floor is now yours to discuss how you will bring about our first trillionaire and then swiftly end their life. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, the jury. I hope I'd never have to say that in future. What is the future of the internet? The future is VR. VR is Internet 3.0. As such, I will become the foremost programmer in VR. grammar in VR. I will make it great, I will make it brilliant, and I will make it something

that is good for everybody. And what happens to things that are good for everybody? That's right, they got bought by conglomerates. The conglomerate will buy me, presumably meta, because you know what the Zuck is like, you know, Zuck. So, Zuck buys me. And then, he wants to do, like, you know, his presentations, he goes there and matter with his soul, speedy eyes, and he's just like, hello everybody, whatever. Except what I will do is, with the use of this technology, which presumably will obviously skyrocket him

towards the trillionary status, he will do his many, many, many, many, many, many, tech demos, except during one, I, I, I will ensure that he does not get out. And if you've ever read the short story, I have no mouth and I must scream. All of humanity, or in this specific instance, Mark Zuckerberg alone, he will exist inside this tortious reality for what was seen to him centuries upon centuries upon centuries. And when he's in there, I mean, do I really have to get into the whole redistribution aspect? Who's going to stop me?

Okay, fantastic. Look, there's a lot to like about it, but I do have some questions. Yeah, do you have any questions? First of all, it's lovely to hear someone pursuing Zuck. I feel like he gets a bit of a short shrift when we talk about the ultra wealthy and the race to a trillion dollars, but the man is still a, he's a massive player. Hugely. And he's got a lot of zeros in his bank account.

I feel like in a lot of way Zucks has taken a big gamble whereby he would either be the first trillion year or lose all of his wealth on this bet on meta. Yeah. So let's assume meta takes off because Lexi says you identified people can't get enough of that gorgeous, beautiful virtual reality to cocoon themselves in. So can I ask you just a little bit more about the VR that you're going to develop, which will attract Zuck in the first instance? Have you got any ideas for what particularly will be appealing to a sort of a man, if we can call on that, such as Mark Zuckerberg? Well, I think that first of all, it will have every single buzzword you want. I mean, it'll be integratable.

It will have incredible cohesion, adhesion. Right. It'll have all of the heusions. It will be, I forget what the word is, again, that business word, that just means nothing but everything at the same time. Synergy? That is it. Synergy. It'll have the synergy.

It'll have the energy. It'll have the anything you wanted to have. But most of all, it will actually be good for the people. It will come from within the internet. It will be highly democratized. at first, which will show to the world that this is good, this is something we want. And as I say, what happens to the good in the world is it gets bought up by conglomerates and commodified and exploited to fuck.

As such, I believe that is what will attract the conglomerates, namely matter. Yes. So it's going to be, it's non-specific, but it's for a collective good. And the honey trap you've laid for Zuckerberg is a variety of, buzz business words that will lure him in. Exactly. That is the general goal. That is what a tech demo is ultimately. This does make some sense to me as well by keeping it.

It's like a good horror movie, right? You never want to show the monster. You never want to describe specifically to Zuckerberg what he's buying. You just want to give him a shape and let his imagination run wild with it. It's very Silicon Valley. It's very now. He'll fill in the blanks. Absolutely.

With the best picture, his brain can develop. of something he'd want to buy. So you're right, Lexi, if we just throw in a lot of words at him, future facing, community focus. Synergy. Synergy. I've got the word adhesion written down, which you said. Equity seems to be quite overused at the moment.

Maybe it's equitable. And could you perhaps hold my hand a little, from the point at which he buys it, to the point at which you have him trapped in an AI room where he's presenting some of his big ideas? Yes, I'll admit. That actually caught my attention as well, Lexing that aspect of the plan. Tell us more about that. Well, I suppose like one of the greatest fears that all of humanity has is that AI will

ultimately subsume us. That like there's an old thought experiment that goes that if you taught an AI just to collect stamps, it would in some way along the way conclude that the best way to collect stamps is to destroy all of humanity. My goal is to take that element of AI and direct it solely our own. on that which is Mark Zuckerberg. As far as the path to that goes, what tends to happen with those conglomerates

is that they buy out these smaller startups, and they give the higher ups within those startups quite high positions within the new like, you know, metified version of what was once pure, democratized, and, you know, for the good of the people, whatever that means, am I right? And as such, I think that that is how I'm going to get closed to him. I'm going to be the one to set it off.

I'm going to be the one to just keep the AI smart enough to want to kill all of humanity, but caged up enough that I can't do anything to anybody from Mark Zuckerberg. I've got just a quick question I need to ask on the back of that, which is how do you marry the murderous drive of the AI to Mark Zuckerberg's bank account? How do you ensure that this man is being murdered at $1 trillion instead of, say, $999 billion? because this could be a very embarrassing experience for all of us if we get it wrong. Well, what do we know about the ultra wealthy? They love yachts.

There you go. But also, ostentatious. They want to announce what they have done. I can imagine like fucking Elon Musk or any billionaire of your choice. Like emblazoning the words, one billion, one trillion, whatever number it is they have, into like as many children as they can just because that's the kind of sick folk that they are and as such I believe that Mark Zuckerberg

upon getting to one trillion dollars will definitely have some kind of grand celebration and what does Mark Zuckerberg need a world where he's loved and that world is not earth because nobody could love that man as such he will retreat into his metaverse and that is where we will strike now Lexi I am

I'll admit, a big fan of the torture element of this plan. What I am slightly unclear about is the path still to get him to a trillion through what you're proposing. So the thing that you'll be, so we've got, let me try and get this straight. Let me see if I understand just what the holy heck is going on here. We've got a gifted coder who has named Lexi, the raiding sovereign of VR, who has coded some sort of super tool, opaque in nature, optimistic in flavour. That has attracted the attention of Mark Zuckerberg, the emperor of the metaverse.

Zuck buys it, it's a honey trap. So, yeah, so Zuck buys it, which is an outgoing expense. It is. Of his balance sheet, you're getting richer, but he's temporarily getting a little bit poorer at the purchase. Are you saying that this tool isn't just a total con job, but actually does? generates some profit for meter and not just some profit but enough to get zuck to a trill because just for your information mark zuckabberg currently sits on about 107.5 billion dollars pathetic yeah it's disgusting it's embarrassing here's the thing the way in which we get his attention is that this

VR is actually good this this isn't just like a honey trap this isn't just like you know an AI designed to like torture zuck it's actually designed to be good and that is what will initially attract him. Sort of like when he saw Instagram and thought, you know, this is going to be an outgoing initially, but if I get this inside of my stable of, you know, intellectual property, I'm going to be sitting on a gold mine. Yes. And given that, like, you know, the outside world is getting more and more scary, people retreat

into VR. It's all, like, it is almost definitely going to be the next stage of the internet. And the next stage of the internet is easily a trillion dollar business. And that's going to catapultzook to one trillion. It's apparent to me that Zuck shouldn't know all of the details of what this VR tool is that you're creating. Do you know what it is that you're making? I'm going to be honest with you, fellas. I know not the first thing about coding.

I have read a lot of sci-fi. A lot of sci-fi horror and the concept of AI is fascinating, entwined with the notion of VR being something. so all-encompassing and forcing you within its own realm. So no longer is technology something we invite into us. We are going into the realm of technology. I find that interesting. But for the grind, I am sure I can learn. I'm sure I can, like, in my 20s, learn to be the greatest coder on Earth

and somehow become the founder of the great AI experiment of the future. Lixie, thank you so much. Impassioned. very articulate very articulate and sort of has a dimension that I enjoy about it you might say a cold dark dimension which is fitting because now we're going to go to Joe Lexi who'd be kind enough to stay on the line Joe's very kindly offered you a round of applause now Joe welcome back to the conversation hello obviously we've heard from Lexi but now it is your turn

how exactly do you propose we get one of these ultra wealthy folks over one trillion dollars and in light of that how do we eliminate that motherfucker okay i'm going to start with a question to you fellas love this very shark tank when was the last time you you read or heard news about the amazon rainforest that made you feel good well i don't remember that in my lifetime joe my me neither no no never i hear you say that's right it's always a Oh, the Amazon's on fire. Ah, the lungs of our planet are dying at a rate humanity will never recover from. It's a fact that just creating a large chunk of Earth's breathable oxygen isn't enough to make me give a shit about the Amazon rainforest.

Do you know what will make people give a shit? What? Give it an economy. Get it producing what people really need, which is jobs, consumable products, and most importantly, fat stacks for Jeff. That's right. I'm pitching we create the first corporate wonder of the world and turn the Amazon rainforest into Amazon's main fulfillment center. It's an easy sell for Brazil.

They're sick of that big old waste of land. It's not producing anything. And it's an easy sell for Amazon, what with all the great PR, and cheap monkey-led workforce that's up for offer. The idea itself is the house. hang as much shelving on the trees as possible. And crown said shelves with products and a system

of colored lights. We then train and send out teams of monkeys called rainbows. Each rainbow Sorry. Each rainbow contains severed monkeys. Each train to grab a product when they see a certain

colored light by said product. They then bring it to the package, bring it to be packaged, receive a banana as a reward and a tax-free payment. Amazon people will love that. I estimate you could have as many as 15 rainbows working at once on each square mile of the Amazon Rain Forfillment Center. Sorry, Joe.

Yeah? Could you just give me that 15 rainbows per square? What was it? Each square mile of the Amazon rainfallfillment Center. that's what I'm calling it. Sorry, continue. Okay, just think about all the fire suppression needed in a location with so much sweet inventory. Did somebody say, no more forest fires?

And what about the Aboriginal people who call the Amazon rainforests their home? Don't you mean, what about the customer experience managers of the Amazon Fulfillment Center that call this corporation family? I think they're doing all right. How do we go about killing Jeff once all this amazing PR and monkey hijinks earns him an easy trill? Well, I met a man called Coco at the British Wildlife Centre and he has his very own trained monkey. They're trained for a very different reason.

We slipped Claire the Gibbon into the Grand Amazon for a fulfillment centre and when Bezos inevitably goes for a visit, old Claire gets the work. Now, I know you might be thinking, but Coco has reassured me often that Claire used to belong to ex-labor leader Jeremy Corbyn and is a strife socialist. It has some real ideas for the money, but there may need to be a backup plan regarding a trillionaire gibbon, and whatever fallout that may bring. but that is the extent of my idea the Amazon rainforest is a constant source of bad news

we're going to revamp it as a positive PR exercise and Amazon will use it as some sort of front-facing ecological warehouse which will involve training huge numbers of monkeys and also empowering and employing the indigenous people belonging to the Amazon rainforest Yeah it seems like we're throwing that word around pretty liberally but empowering If I remember Joe's pitch correctly he said they sound like they're doing

just find Thank you. Oh, that's true. That was part of the pitch that they were. Thank you, Joe. Jobs. I think the word

that we all need to remember through this plan is jobs. Yeah. Okay. It may be cold and it may be dark, but the important thing to remember is jobs.

Jobs. You think Joe, you should think jobs. That's right. Jobs are being created. So this obviously turns into be an incredibly prosperous

and profitable rainforest. Jeff comes a visit inevitably. I really like the idea that you're working with the Amazon rather than against it, like hanging shelves on the trees rather than cutting them down, including the monkeys in the warehouse, rather than destroying the habitats and murdering them.

It feels like a more inclusive way of getting Jeff Bezos to a trillion dollars. Well, it just, it feels like a sort of, you know, it feels like if I could coin a phrase, positive exploitation. I think, Tim, that we probably have heard all we have time for from Joe and from Lexi. So what we're going to do now, guys, is we're going to mute ourselves as we confer with one another over whose plan we will be looking to pursue further. Thank you both so much for your time.

With excellent plans. Can I lead with that? We're going to converse for a little bit now, but I just want to stress. If you stay on the call, then a couple of minutes, we'll be right back to, pass on our decision. First of all, can I say, I don't know where these recruits are coming from, but they are full of beans and they've got some great ideas. It's got to be Joe, right?

I mean, look, I love the sci-fi element of Lexi. I love the gusto of going, I don't know how to code, but very swiftly off the back of my own passion. I can easily become the world's best programmer. A lot to love in there, a lot of heart to the plan. But realistically, Joe's a man with distinct vision. Joe's connected all of the dots for us.

I mean, I totally am on board with what Lexi's proposing. Yeah. And I don't doubt her ability to do it. But there's a huge area that is still out of focus for me between concept and execution. Yeah. Whereas Joe, yeah, he has literally held our hand through the entire Amazon rainforest.

Yeah. And I mean, it's... There is something at, awkward to me about the inclusion of the indigenous people of the Amazon and the fulfillment center plan? I think to me that was Joe, Joe could have glossed over

the fact that people are already living inside of the rainforest. Right. This to my ears was Joe's way. If my colonial ears have heard correctly, it's a more inclusive plan. Either he leaves it out completely and it's up to us to either ask or ignore that or he creates

you know, this is a comedy show, let's remember he creates a reason that inside of the world. Oh yes, if any lawyers are here, this is a comedy show. It creates a way in which, you know, they are also, I guess, taken care of, which is probably the wrong phrase, but, you know. Yeah, no, I hear what you're saying. He's thought about it from multiple angles. Yeah, I also, there's something about the fact that Joe has named these groups,

rainbows. You like that. The teams of seven monkeys. It's very corporate to me. You know what I mean? It's not a team of seven enslaved monkeys working in the Amazon Fulfillment Center. It's a rainbow delivering your package. It's a rainbow, exciting you with the customer experience.

Also, like, these are all shelves. These monkeys deliver, but it sounds like you can also go and shop in the Amazon rainforest. Well, no, I think that's just where they get stuck. Because you got to have, it's like a warehouse. It's a fulfillment center. There are Amazon stores. You know, you can buy it online on Amazon, but they've also got stores set up with their best-selling items. If I've ever wanted a reason to visit the rainforest,

forest. I've suddenly been given one. I'm not going to go and look a bunch of fucking trees. Yeah. I want to go and browse Amazon's top selling items in the company of teams of rainbows. What do you want to buy? I don't know. Whatever looks like the best deal is on sale there. Yeah, that's right. This is the beauty of shopping. Tim. He's talking about consumable goods. I don't even need anything in my life. Okay. Well, look, let's supply devil's advocate for a moment. Let's just kick the tires on Lexi's plan a little bit. I mean, I think there's a chance that if Mehta took off really quickly and VR got, you know, clashed into the public's bosom, there as well. It's kind of, it's a big swing for the fences, but it might come off. I agree, but to me, mess is just, you know, I don't understand a lot about evaluations or, you know, perception amongst the people.

Neither dyslexia, and that's what I like about the plan. But I feel like... It's a bit chaotic. Yeah, META does not feel like a safer bit. Like, Jeff Bezos has got a running start. We've got literally detailed plans on how we can execute this with Joe. Well, we haven't discussed before as well as I think there's actually a good chance that someone's going to get to Zuck before we do before he crosses the one trill light.

He's not a well-liked man. No. I mean, none of them are, but there is a particular... Yeah. Because he's sort of doing his weird AI presidential trail things. He's always on jet skis of too much sunblock. He's like a big target. rolling around in a lake.

We're running out of time here, so I feel like we've made a decision, Tim. I'm going to leave it to you to confer our judgment to our two esteemed guests. Joe and Lexi, thank you so much for bearing with us through that period of confirmment. What you wouldn't have heard just then was an impassioned discussion, as we discussed, the merits and whatever minor drawbacks we could find in both of your ideas. But we have reached a conclusion, Tim. I'll leave it to you. Lexi, we loved the sci-fi elements.

loved the passion with which you spoke. I particularly like the ambition of going from zero technical knowledge swiftly to the world's best programmer driven by nothing more than a desire to see a man get really rich and then die. Or in the case of your specific example, be imprisoned in some sort of digital iron maiden for an amount of time he will experience as centuries. Joe, I liked a lot of details about your plan. It spoke to the corporatized world that we live in. I liked the fact that the inclusion of Jeremy Corbyn's trained monkey added an element of trust to the plan and depending the whole thing.

Ultimately, Joe, we have decided your plan will go forward. You are the winner of this round of Killianere. Lexi, thank you so much for contributing you great ideas. and that concludes the round. Both thank you so much for your time and you're incredibly articulate sort of explorations and explanations. Should we all clap?

We should all clap. Maybe we should all. Yeah. Congratulations everybody. Yeah, it's hugely appreciated. Would you like to say anything to us, Lexi, before we all go our separate ways? I'm heartbroken.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, honestly. I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to become the first trillionaire just to really look at you to and say, do it. Fucking do it. All right. Wow. I am instantly filled with regret for our decision. Hopefully you'll be able to look to this moment as a sort of a turning point in your life

where you pursued what feels like, you know, great material wealth and possibly spiteful evil towards us. Lexi, I have an amazing fundraising idea for you. Okay, we're going to terminate this call before both of these contributors turn on us, but thank you both so much for your time. Joe will be in touch. Lexi, we really appreciate you taking the time and effort. And Joe, congratulations. Thank you, thank you.