The Worst Idea Of All Time - REPLAY: Killionaire TV 3: Mack v Shortney

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

Welcome to Killionaire TV: Episode Three, with two contestants and one goal: End the life of a trillionaire. Our contestants today are Mack from the UK who’s political ambitions are matched only by his lack of preparation for his pitch. In stark contrast, we have Shortney, an American who brings a meticulously planned plot involving a lot of math, a gold pyramid tomb and a plucky entrepreneur named Mark Elliot Zuckerberg.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.Support the boys on their modern-day adventures at twioat.substack.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tim here, if you want to see me in the flesh and you're in New Zealand or Australia, good news. I'm coming to Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland and Wellington for the comedy festivals. Please buy some tickets now at timbat.com.com. He's Timbat. I'm Guy Montgomery. And this, well, this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire, and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire,

dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other, until we find Juan Huina. Welcome to Killianer. Welcome to another exciting edition of Killianer, at least this is the first episode, because we haven't really picked an order yet, in which case, welcome.

I'm Tim Bat, this is Guy Montgomery. We are on a quest to get, someone to a trillion dollars on God's Green Earth and then immediately stop them being a trillionaire by virtue of them being dead. That's right. It's a comedy podcast and we are very excited to be joined by two prospective pitches,

some fundraisers, I guess, of esteem and note. Hello to Mac. Oh, hello. You can say hello. Yeah, nice. You got it. Yeah, it's traditional. usually human responses. Traditional back and forth. And also a huge hello to Shortney.

I hope I pronounce that correctly. Yeah, you got it, you nailed it. Brilliant. Lovely to see you both. I am currently writing down a number that is between 1 and 500. And Mac, I'm going to get you to select first. Whoever gets the closest guest gets to choose what order they want to do their pitch in. So, Mac, what number do you guess I have written down?

At 17, please, Tim. Very well. And Shortney? Well, I'm going to go way higher. 378. 378. It's a very good guess. And in fact, so good, Shortney, that it's closer to my 250 than the number 17, which I'm not here to throw salt in your game this quickly, Mac. But come on, buddy. When the range is so big, you're up against a wall.

But he could have looked like an absolute hero, a savant. That's true. I honestly picked that number. I picked that number when you emailed earlier. You might have a number came before. You already knew. So I'd already locked it in. Have you said between 1 and 10, I was in trouble?

Yeah, it would have been... Not so good at adjusting on the fly, huh, Mac? Yeah. No, not at all. Well, Shortney, would you like to go first or second for your pitch presentation? I'll be a gentleman. I'll let Matt go first. Very kind.

Oh no, this is unfair because you know I don't have anything prepared. You plan this well. I just met you. I'm very much looking forward to this. There's been a little bit of chancer in the lobby before we got here between our competitors, which I'm a big fan of.

Shortney, I'm going to place you on mute now and Mac, whenever you are ready, I would love to hear your idea. Okay. Well, I don't know how global news is, but very recently in the UK where I reside, Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister, has become a further figure of ridicule more so than normal. The history of UK politics over the last few years has been abysmal.

And I think it's the opportune time for me to run for Prime Minister, because every other candidate we've ever had has been a politician. And they've all done a terrible job, as far as I'm more based on the fact that I live in the UK and it's no good. So maybe it's time for someone who doesn't even prepare. so much as three sentences for a comedy podcast to run the entire country and that's what I think

I'm going to use this opportunity and you may find that today this very day there has been news that Boris Johnson had another party that he was trying to hide and who let that information out

well I can't say it was me but I'm going to imply it heavily for the means of comedy here now the plan is then to become Prime Minister right and I assume that will happen without much effort and then once I am

Prime Minister, to apologise for the terrible state of politics in the UK, I'm going to award everyone a tax rebate of £1,000. But this will be paid only in Amazon vouchers. And yearly then, this will become an annual event where every year on Apology Day people will get £1,000, every member of the UK with £1,000, but only on Amazon vouchers.

Of which there are 67 million people in the UK. So each of them will then spend a thousand pounds on Amazon, thus raising my target Jeff Bezos's personal wealth. Coincidentally, the one bit of information I did find out before this was Jeff Bezos will probably be a trillionaire by 2026. So really I could probably just wait out my candidate as a as Prime Minister, to be honest. But this will speed it along. Right. So I imagine that if a Prime Minister of a country is very heavily endorsing Amazon, Jeff's going to be very interested in that, right? I already found out that the UK

government actually has a Twitch profile and there are partners already and Twitch is owned by Amazon. So the UK government technically are already in cahoots with Amazon as we speak. So I think the plan is then every year I'll get Jeff over and black click Jeff the UK is really really helping you along here you know we're helping you along to that trillion and we'll become

friends and I think maybe I'll even slip into the I'll forget a little bit of what my original goal is and maybe I will come to love Jeff as a friend but then the second he becomes a millionaire I'm just going to brand him with a brick. I'm assuming just quickly the final thing there is trillionaire. Otherwise, you'd be branding Jeff Bezos as we speak. Yes, yes, yeah.

But the thing is, but I'll be Prime Minister. And I think as far as I know, you get three free kills is the rumor. So I think I'll probably just do it myself with a brick. Matt, quick question, and don't mean to interrupt if you're sort of in the middle of the pitch here. No, that was that. I was just going to kill him with a brick. That's the end. Cool.

When did you find out that British Prime Ministers get three? three free kills. It's very possible either a dream or that's something that someone's had a national treasure about the US president. I said. It's certainly something.

It certainly is something. A movie called National Treasure wouldn't lie to anyone. That's true. Yeah, I mean, it's realistic. I think the UK, as you've outlined, is primed for a populist everyman candidate.

date. I see no reason why that couldn't be you, Mac. You look like a popular every man. I can sort of track all the way along that apology day, a thousand dollars. What was the... A thousand pounds. A thousand pounds, which is, you know, it's a

lot more New Zealand dollars. What was the basis of apology days? Is that a pre-existing day in the British calendar? Is that something that you're going to institute? No, it would be more me just apologising for the mess that Boris and Theresa and other UK politicians have left in wake of

Brexit. So it would be me kind of like, look, everything's kind of shit. So here,

have a nice, I don't know, Nintendo switch on me. And is this, this is a platform on which you will be running or this is something that you'll

introduce once you're in power? I like to think it's a nice surprise. I think I'll be running on like, oh, wouldn't it be funny if I was prime minister? And we've, we've seen that kind of work before

in different countries. It's, you know, I do worry for the British people that they would find out upon electing you that you, that you would purely become prime minister for your own interests,

but I mean, that's not necessarily a problem for me. It wouldn't be new. That's not a new interest. It's not a new thing as it, really. I know, but if you're running... At least I'd be honest about it. Mac, in the interest of the fact that you've sort of revealed to us that maybe you haven't fleshed out all the details,

but you've done such a great job of explaining on the fly how this would all be put together, could I trouble you for a campaign slogan? What do you think is going to get you across the line with the British people? as far as I'm aware and this is again one of those things I could just be entirely

pulling out of thin air or from the movie National Treasure I think that voting records of under 25s in the UK are incredibly low so maybe I'll just promise everyone I'll follow them on Twitter

great and how big to be followed by the Prime Minister oh so how about this vote for Mac get a follow back campaign oh that is good

That's bad because I was going to say a campaign slogan DMs are open. Both are pretty good. My one does rhyme. Yeah, DMs are open is one line and the efficiency does speak to people. I just, as a quick aside here, Mac, how many times have you watched the movie National Treasure? Once in the last three days. I see.

And it seems to have left a pretty big imprint on you. I can tell you a very interesting fact about the National Treasure. very quickly as an aside. They say the phrase, they say the phrase, I'm going to steal the declaration of independence 30 at times in that film. 38. Wow. Yes, that is, that is true. And not in the franchise, right? Because there's more than one of those films, but just in that one movie. No, surprisingly in the second one, they don't steal the declaration of independence even once. But in the first one, they really go for it. Like, they're stealing it all the time. Um, Mac, I don't know your education or background or expertise.

but do you feel like giving 67 million people in Amazon, Gifoucher, would have some sort of hyperinflationary effect? Well, I think possibly because it's specifically Amazon, it'll probably just fuck up Amazon, right? Hopefully. Yeah.

Again, based on nothing. You're going on feel, and I like that. You're pumping, just as Prime Minister alone, separate from people's private investments in consumer habits, you're pumping $67 billion into Amazon annually. And according to your number, which I assume you pulled from National Treasure, Jeff Bezos is currently on track to become a trillionaire

in four years anyway. So that is the only bit of actual research I did, and that wasn't from National Treasure. That was from a newspaper, which I don't recall. Okay, well, strong stuff from Mac. Again, a newspaper wouldn't lie to anyone. I don't have, well, it's particularly a British one. I don't have any further questions.

Is there any, like, you earn his trust and you brick him, you got any plan for the mop up there? How's that going to read in the news? Again, right, so if I'm getting in by being voted in by the youth, as I'm aiming to do, I think of anything I'll be a hero, right? Especially if I just, like, it was a bit. I was prime minister. as a gag they'll be like oh that's good commitment to the gag

max electioneering platform DMs are open max criminal defense it was a gag yeah it was a bit I'm accepting I'm going to jail right like I'm but the thing is I'll be I'll be regarded as a folk hero for it's great honesty Mac and I just quickly before we move on to Shortney

I want to ask you about you said at one point that you fear you would empathize you know you would develop a kinship or a relationship to Jeff that might jeopardize or sort of distract your focus on why you've put yourself

in this position of power do you have plans to remedy that I mean how will you ensure that you don't become indoctrinated by the lifestyles of the ultra wealthy I haven't seen the show prison break but I know that he has a prison tattooed on him

I think I'll just tattoo on my stomach upside down kill Jeff so whenever I anytime I'm topless I'll remember remember okay works for me yeah can't argue with that because it's upside down he probably won't be able to read it so it'll be okay it's challenging so long as yeah he doesn't walk past you sunbathing i guess and you know that's up to you that's it's you know yeah i think we're getting lost in the weeds here um mac thank you i'm going to place you on hold for a moment because i'm absolutely dying to hear from shortney hello shortney thank you for being so patient

well that's very good um i would love to please Please, in your own time, hear your idea to get anybody to a trillion dollars and then how maybe we could stop them being a trillionaire. Okay, I actually made a PowerPoint presentation. My God. Is there right if I share my screen? I would love that. I don't know if that's technically possible,

but if you've found a way, I'm delighted. I think it is everybody say a collective prayer for the internet. A collective prayer for the internet. Dear internet. Please. We beseech you and we thank you for the gifts that you've given us. Shawnee. Neopets.

Oh, it's here. How to commit a fake murder in parenthesis. It's fantastic. It's fake. All right. For our audio only joiners as well. Courtney, sorry, if you wouldn't mind. It says buy Courtney on the picture.

That's why I got a bit flustered. If you were just visually describing what we're looking at here as well. If you had to tell a cutesy kindergarten class to make a murder plan on a PowerPoint presentation and you just gave them crayons and somehow uploaded that to Google, this is what you're looking at. Fantastic. All right, so hello, my name is Courtney. You can call me Shortney, though, on the account that I'm only five feet tall, which is 1.524 meters. I'm pretty sure.

Had to Google it. So if that's wrong, blame Google. But you know what? That makes me Assassin-sized. So without further ado, I can get into those vents. Let's get into my flawless murder plan, which is totally a joke.

So we'll start with who the target is, then how we'll help to get them to that trillionaire status, and then finally the ultimate comedy murder plot. So first off, the target. I figured it should be probably Mark Zuckerberg. I don't know much about,

him, I'll be honest. Because we're kind of on a budget. I'm a budget assassin. Okay, great assassins know their targets. I have thoughts. I'm pretty sure he's greedy. I think you have to be to have a net worth of $187 million by now, or billion dollars. I think he wants to be a robot that's not confirmed, but I will start that conspiracy theory

later on Reddit. And I think he's obsessed with escapism, especially because of the metaverse recently coming out. But how do we get there to escape this world with a trillion dollars? Let's talk about fundraising, y'all. Let's get this wallet's open, okay? The Metaverse. Bringing socially awkward crab people like myself with the agrophobes of the virtual world.

But how will a bunch of nerds be ripped from their hard-earned money to help Zuckerboy reach trillionaire status? The same way he probably already will reach trillionaire status. Targeted ads and gaslighting. So, deep in the Metaverse, as you wander, around your living room, you'll meet new people who are perfect for you, the love of your life, your new best friend, the true AI soulmate that we have all been waiting for. Once they're completely head over heels in love with the customized dream girl, it's time to hook, line, and sink them in debt.

That's the American way. That's how we do it here. You know who would love those moon boots? Your new virtual girlfriend. What about those fun burrito blankets? I bet the AI we assigned you to fall in love with would love those. is this incredibly devious and emotionally manipulative? Yes.

But will it get you to trillion or status? I don't know. I'm not an accountant. I'm an assassin. Now, the fictious murder plot. By the way, I saved you a slide. You're welcome. A little bit of prep work.

There's a little bit. Every good plan starts with good prep. But absolutely worth it for the final product. Just stay with me on this. Okay? First, we need a banner that says cashed the throne. This is important for later. I will explain.

Don't you even worry. I'm going to already assume he has a golden throne. We're just, that's just out there. You don't have $187 billion in no golden throne. And if he doesn't, he's spending his money wrong anyways. And that's all the more reason we should kill him. We also need gold bars, which, you know, that's that plant of interest. I know.

Don't you even wait. We'll get to it. We need a red spray can. We only need one. So that'll save the budget for all the gold bars we're going to need. And finally, most importantly, an AI wife. Now, I know what you're thinking. I can't code. Well, neither can I. But we don't have to because Marky Mark Z has already done the heavy work for us. He's already made the Metaverse. See that? We already saved more budget money for the gold bars. And now we are ready for a murdermost foul. Let me set a scene for you, which I've actually made into a visual guide. Zuckie Mucky is sitting high and mighty on his literal golden cashroom. The beautiful banner is flowing behind him. All 37 whose assistants have gone home for their legally required.

three hours of sleep. Not Mark Zuckerberg's choice, but he's okay with it. Zucker Lucker is bored. He's frustrated. And most importantly, he's curious. What is it like to fall in love with the computer? Is the AI software really that good?

He puts on the VR headset. We got him, boys. This is it. As he's enthralled, learning everything his manic-pixie dream girl AI program, trademark mending, could be for him and more. We jump out of the throne. That's right.

Trojan Horse, of course. And he learns human emotions from a computer, we're busy. Stacking those fat stacks of gold cash around Marky Mark Z to create a pyramid of death. He's gone too far in the VR world. He's got virtual kids now, a wife, a job, happiness, fulfillment. But in the real world, he's got about 152 gold bricks cocooning him in a doom tomb. And for extra dramatic flare, this is the part that's important, we spray paint an extra letter on the banner. It goes from cash the throne

To crash the throne Boom he's dead We split the money Clean get away Thank you for coming to my TED talk Wow Wow That presentation promised a lot up the top

And it fucking delivered Yeah A genuine veteran of PowerPoint That was incredibly persuasive Yeah I really like the use Of a pyramid Famously quite a triangular shape in the scheme to take down Zuckerberg because I think pyramid-shaped schemes, you know,

they're kind of his thing. It's not a pyramid scheme. It's an upside-down tunnel, which is really good because it helps the people at the top get the bottom, bottom dollar, trickle-down, economy, Bitcoin. Well, what I like about it is rooted that conceptually the idea of the metaverse and the way that we will actually be able to access vulnerabilities in Martin Zuckerberg, a route in a very sort of upsetting,

realistic and effective grounds, which is like, you know, what people want is emotional connection. And as it's harder and harder to find on the reality, on the plane of existence that we will walk around on, people are going to be turning. I mean, I did, I wrote this down

because I said it was such a great line from the slide there, where VR and lack of social skills meet. Have I got that right, Shortney? Yes. Yes. I mean, that's a pretty great description of the metaverse, I think. Now, one thing that I'm thinking about, and this might be my own intellectual shortcomings,

but how, I mean, I understand how we're going to learn, Mark in and I understand that we're going to, I assume, suffocate him in a golden tomb. Yeah, could we just get some clarification on that shortening? Is this a lack of oxygen or is it a weight that falls down upon him? I did the math for this. I saw that. the slide. Well, you didn't see the background math that went into that one slide.

I was thinking about putting it in there and I was like, I don't want to look at these numbers. I don't think anybody else wants to. But long story short, it takes about 50 PSI of like sudden weight falling on a human to crush it. With this, we'll have quadruple that. So it's literally just take one brick. 200 pounds per square inch of gold pressure. um that's incredible i think before we get to that though i just want to circle back to ensuring he's over a trillion dollars before eliminating him uh are we like what what is the actual

financial you know how are we ensuring that mark is over this threshold before we execute the plan what exactly are we doing well the metaverse is about to be released so we'll we'll probably help with the marketing a little bit you know we're going to give we're going to help him with his marketing, you know, Mark, sucker. Yeah. You got it. So this is, sorry, you keep going, Shorten. Okay.

But, I mean, the main thing is that we're going to get into the Metaverse. We're really going to sell it to the common people. We might even have a prime minister who was just recently elected to help us. Everyone's already going to buy into the Metaverse. And while they're in there, they're going to meet their AI soulmate. and their AI soulmate has expensive taste. And for everything sold in the metaverse, Zaki takes a little slice, a little slice for him.

So we are essentially ensuring the success of the metaverse and then drowning these people with genuine debt through their virtual relationships. Sounds good. Yeah, that's what the American economy is built on. That's where we got the idea. Okay. I don't...

I genuinely have no questions. I think it's time for Guy. and I to confer to try and... I mean, these are two very strong pitches. Yeah, we're going to mute both of your bikes. We're going to mute our own mic while we discuss the merits of both ideas. And then shortly we'll be back to tell you our judgment and whose idea has been successful today.

Okay, we've got two very different styles of pitch. Even like, even the vision. We've got light and shade here. That's right. and I'm going to be honest when Mac went first I was I was he's obviously

you know to not prepare as a very self-confident move and it paid off I was swept along in his charm I was like a bit of Guy Montgomery actually

I genuinely believed you know like it's it's it's far-fetched but it's not totally out of the realm of possibility he just has become

Prime Minister I love the concept of apology day I like pumping that money straight back into Amazon and I like fostering a close friendship with Jeff Bays

I mean... I think that both of you, you and he, did sort of gloss over the fact of he needs to become British Prime Minister, yeah, which looks tricky. Undeniably, there's a lot of road to run between where we are now and him being in charge. And conversely, you know, you look at Short News proposal and it was meticulous. Yeah, I know, she's done the homework. And it's, you know, like, we could have a weighted conversation. We wait at the pros and cons, but it feels to me somewhat undeniable.

I know, but this is like a classic debate between gut instinct and nerddom, preparation, scholastic effort. So what's your gut telling you? It would be crazy to not go with short knee. And I don't want to jeopardise the place. I'm going with shortly. I'm just saying that Mac has a bit of me. Turning up to a business meeting, almost wholly unprepared, going off the cuff, charming us successfully.

You know, it's pretty cool. It's cool, but, yeah, I mean, you're... And it's just the kind of thing that would allow you to get into number 10 downing street. Yeah, and also, it's actually, he's buying some of the bluster and confidence and ill preparation and sort of lack of work ethic from the current sitting primament. minister. He's highlighted his susceptibility to becoming friends with Jeff.

I just think, look, it's persuasive. It's got to be Shortney, right? It's got to be Shortney. It has to be shortening. Mack, Shortney, a decision has been made. I'd like to thank both of you for your time, your energy, your passion, your intelligence,

your charm, your expertise and your appearance. Ultimately, we're not even very conflicted on this. There was a clear winner. Mack, I'm sorry to say it was not you. Shortney has prepared such a compelling case. Through visual aid, there is such a stepping through of the process. Every stage along the way, I felt like I was being brought along.

I understood it. The math on the gold pyramid that's going to kill Mark? Mark? Yeah, it's got to be said, though. You put forward, until Shortney spoke, thought you had a very strong case. It was a very persuasive argument. I believed in what you were saying. I think where you probably came up short was there was not enough connective tissue between the Mac before us and the Mac and Downing Street. I don't doubt that the people have an appetite

for it, but we probably needed to see a little bit more evidence than just open your DMs or DMs are open to see you sitting in that seat of power. But, you know, it was a noble effort and we thank you for your time. Have you got anything you'd like to say? I was going to put on a shirt and tie in preparation for it but my one shirt that fit was dirty so that's probably as a sign that I'm not really to be Prime Minister to be honest so that's fair

the second the PowerPoint came up behind you yeah it was and also I don't know if it was magnanimous or diabolical shortening that you let Matt go first being like having this in your back pocket the whole time or if you'd gone first obviously that would have knocked his socks off and he would have been bricking himself the whole time you're talking so you know I feel

I probably would have tried harder because I feel like once I got into the improving part of it I was like oh this is probably enough I just got to stop there And it could have been for a lesser competitor to Mac but unfortunately you were up against the 1.52 meter assassin Amateur assassin

Shortney and we're putting a lot of our eggs in your little assassinating basket there Shortney Seems like a weird thing to say to a woman we've just met But that's what we're doing So have you any final words Shortney Um, Mac, a fantastic job, since that was completely off the top of your head. I would have thought that was absolutely practiced like a thousand times over.

But I'm sorry, Mark Zuckerberg, he's got to go down, he's got to be the one. So Jeff Bages, he'll have his time. You said 2026, we'll get him then, we'll get him then. Yeah, I'll run again in 2026. That's the plan. Fantastic. I will pretend to vote for you because I'm not in the UK. Well, maybe you can help with some...

I'm technically not British either, so... You can have a bot-led army on your adventures into AI and VR and whatnot. Right. Thank you very much both of you for joining us. Shortney, thank you for doing all the math

on the pyramid. I enjoyed it very much. And we will see how well your pitch fares against the other competitors. Very varying heights of assassins. You're going to be thrown

into a pool of some people who were five foot one. Some of our competitors, I assume, could be upwards of six foot two. Most of the people haven't provided us with their heights. So it's hard for us to forecast, but we thank you, and we'll be seeing you soon. Thank you.