The Worst Idea Of All Time - REPLAY: Killionaire TV 5: Harley v Crum

Episode Date: April 11, 2026

In this thrilling episode of Killionare TV, we have Harley who is leading the charge on Operation DRUG BUTT - a strategy featuring an incredible product named 'Thicc Biscc' and a twist - A HUGE TWIST! Meanwhile Crum has donned his network executive tuxedo to pitch one of the most power television ideas anyone has ever heard. They'll be a lot of dancing, they'll be a lot of meowing. They'll be a Tally-thon Telethon ft. a CEO who hails from Albuquerque, New Mexico.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.Support the boys on their modern-day adventures at twioat.substack.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tim here, if you want to see me in the flesh and you're in New Zealand or Australia, good news. I'm coming to Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland and Wellington for the comedy festivals. Please buy some tickets now at timbat.com.com. He's Timbat. I'm Guy Montgomery. And this, well, this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we've got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire

dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find Juan Fuena. Welcome to Killianer. Welcome to Killionaire, a concept show where we're trying to fundraise to get one human being to a trillion dollar's net worth and then disperse the trillion dollars

by some sort of mechanism of removing that trillion. from the person. Maybe there's an end of life involved. That's right. I guess we'll find out. Traditionally, that is how we extricate the money. But anything is possible. We are joined for today's episode by the brilliant Harley. Harley Wake, hello. Can you hear us?

I definitely can. Kiota. That is a weight of our shoulders. Kiyoda. Tena Kna Kna Kna Kna Kro. Harley will be competing against Krum. Krum, how are you doing? great real good

incredible love in life so got that classic sort of understated New Zealand approach to conversation thank you for joining us both I'll tell you what's happening now I've written down a number

on a sheet of paper that number is between one and one trillion Harley I'm going to ask you to go first to guess a number and whomever guesses the closest will get to decide the order of pitches Chillaz

My number is going to be 420,66666.69. Phenomenal? That's very good. And Crum, your submission, please. Two? Okay, very good. All right, let me just do the math

and just close it. There's a bit of $1 to a trillion. Okay, well, I pick 721. So Crum, bizarrely, is close. on two, which was, I think, objectively speaking, a horseshit guess. But Crum, you have the power. Would you like to pitch first or second? I would like to pitch.

I'll pitch second. Come with that. Sounds good. Outstanding. In case, Crum, please patiently wait on the line. And Harley, in your own time. We would love to hear your ideas. Fantastic.

Let's get a sight show going, actually. Oh, my God. Oh, all right. Welcome to Operation Drug But. Drugs really unquestionably get Bezos onto trillionaire status tonight. A five-step process to create and kill a trillionaire. Weed Globe. All right, the product.

Presenting the next fitness weed sensation, hitting the perfect spot between the rising interests between ath treats and weed edibles. Witnessing today. thick bisque feel the bank now this is really important do y'all see all the details on this wonderful mascot drawn by Andrew Acid on Instagram

oh my goodness yes I do I see weed I see is it thick tattooed on cookies muscular arms a row of teeth I see a sparkle and a dimple I see what appear to be chocolate chips veins upon the arms of the muscles and a weed tattoo

fantastic I'm glad you all are seeing all the details here. And if you've confirmed, you see all the details. Let's move on. All right. Feel the good. 24 grams of protein per serving.

All essential vitamins and nutrients for a balanced diet. Vegan, no animal products. And most importantly, 24 milligrams of THC. The perfect one-to-run ratio of THC and protein. This dummy-thick bisque is going to get you both dummy bank, dummy-nourished, and dummy-thick muscles. The fucking strong. All right.

Feel the 12 rad flavors. The irresistible flavors. Baisus won't be able to resist not buying up for Amazon. We have young fudgeable toking brownie, red rum velvet raisin, zucchini killer, dark side cherry almond, black metal current, mocha she wrote, which I have right here. I'd have to shop staring my screen, but I'll show you after. A lavender raspberry pie, umazan ube,

man go into space while I were murder him because there are no laws in space preventing me from doing so. Pineapple, I'll take you down with me, Cake. Duryan, Duryan and hokey pokey, um. All right. Feel the contractual obligation. This is where the really, the kingpin becomes reborn here. Um, because when J.F. Bezos buys this company for only four thousand two hundred and sixty six, one hundred and sixty six point sixty nine New Zealand dollars for a 99.9 point nine stake in the company, Branden all.

He will actually be reading the small print here, which reads, I hereby, with the purchase of Wake's Bakes LLC, agreed to make a sincere and genuine commitment to the international documentation of all illicit drugs, which are currently illegal in every country on earth within the next 169 weeks and make them purchasable on Amazon. So, y'all are thinking, how is that going to work? Well, I have to inform you.

Tim Bat and Guy Montgomery. It worked on you in this little cookie here on that final detail, which I did ask. Do you see all the details? And you did confirm. Yes. It says I slash we, Tim Bat and our Guy Montgomery have simply by looking at this, the mask are a thick, this big, oh my God, are on 100% agreeing and committing to the idea presented. I and we cannot back out. It's happening. We're killing a trillionaire through the decriminalization of all drugs with this product unless unless I say why slash we say that's definitely the world's strongest edible with the bus alarms but this just isn't the deal for us within the next 10th for the 10 seconds of Harley Wake asking can you see all the details

so you have agreed to take on this idea and are doubling down by this having this read to you next why this works as a plan because of the fact that the illicit drug trade is between like 50 and 400 to $680 billion for the global GDP, it connects to Amazon's $1.6 trillion net worth already and becomes a cash boon for Bezos after requiring the thick, thick bisque, and then decriminalizing all the sorts of the drugs because he is now contractually obligated to make an effort within the next 169 weeks. And thus, he becomes the world's first trillionaire. So how do we kill him? He is going to feel the burn

To usurp the emperor In a time of celebration For becoming the first trillionaire We take the first acid trip in space And with that I shall take the helm And fly him into the sun Thus ends the reign

Of the Icarus trillionaire Wow Hali Jesus That was Undeniably very, very impressive, powerful stuff. Not least because within the first few minutes of the presentation, I was thinking, this is all well and good,

but I feel like you're using quite a niche podcast to promote a genuine product that you have a vested stake in. Right here, right? Does this brand exist in the real world? I'm at the corporate headquarters right now. This is the building I own for my company. Oh my God. So thick, thick bisque is real.

This is the first pitch we've had so far, and we've had a few, where this is taking an idea that's already been, you know, actuated in the real world, if that's the word. It exists in physical form, and this is just about propelling it further. This is really cool. Yeah, so I suppose the first thing to get the hooks into Bezos is we need to ensure that this is, this is a tantalizing profitable because he only sees profit i imagine this is a profitable enough and promising enough company that he will invest and in doing so and absorbing the company into

amazon he will be legally bound to decriminalize all drugs now jeff bezos i imagine is a little is a little sharper than timon eyes where we got a room full of high-powered lawyers whose job it is to scan through every slide in a document and redefine print we fell right into your trap yeah so credit you Harley, you got us. You fucking got us. Thank you. How do you ensure that Jeff falls into the exact same trap that we did? Jeff and his lawyers. Hmm. That is the best question to ask, considering that is the lurch, the pin in all of this

operation. You see, there are several tactics in order to do so, such as placing the text in a way that appears on the screen, undetectable to Amazon's bots with spacing it out significantly, but not significantly enough to become legally unrecognizable, you know. There's a certain aptitude that it does fit in, this totally actual facts in my totally actual headquarters that I totally actually own for this not comedy podcast wink. It definitely is comedy. So with all the legal loopholes, like, you know, tested against the Amazon bots by getting to buy a bunch of random shell companies I own,

if it succeeds with that one shell company, boom, we go in for the kill with this really good edible guys. I'm telling you, I've been eating these up for literally it's the only thing I eat. That's maybe hashtag the autism. You're like those people who come onto Shark Tank just to basically do it. an ad on TV. And to be honest, I'm here for it. Absolutely.

It's fantastic use of the platform. I like the slightly amoral interpretation of US contract law, which means that we could finally get one on Bezos and, you know, rake him over the coals. I've got to be honest,

I've heard it enough. That was an incredibly convincing presentation. I don't have any questions. No further questions either. We'll put you on mute and we'll now pivot to Crum, who very sort of valiantly and generously

chose to go second. I imagine, unless you've got something insane prepared as well, that might have been quite an intimidating experience. Why an absolutely disaster? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, beautiful. That was a truly amazing pitch. First off, I'd like to say, where do we live?

We live in the golden age of television. Do we not? In the post-Game of Thrones era, we're looking for that next big hit. the thing that everybody wants their eyeballs glued to. Quite recently, Bezos made a show down here in New Zealand.

It will not work. One word, sabotage. I went into every single tent. Every single day on set was a... I just caused absolute mayhem. I cut a lot of cables. I threw a lot of cameras into the ocean. Oh, they hate that.

They are so behind. It's completely blown out of order. Only because they're making the wrong thing. What is the internet love since the dawn of time? Pornography. Cats. And cats. Yes.

Cats. Both. Cats. Separately. Both. Yes. I bring to you something that's never been seen before. Cats in a hospital setting.

I'm talking minxes with scalples in their hands. I'm talking tabbies who are wheeling those little hospital beds through corridors. I'm talking interpersonal relationships. Have you seen scrubs? Have you seen house? Haven't seen it with cats, have you? No. There'll be a lot of dancing.

There'll be a lot of meowing. Now, here's where the money is made. All right. During the entire show, there will be a number on screen which you can call live. And the characters will pick up the phone. It costs money to do this obviously. And there'll be a tally at the bottom of the screen of how much money has been donated and how much money has been generated.

Once that hits a trillion dollars, there's a cameo from our boy, Jeff Bezos. He comes on screen. He's one of the patients. They say he's got to go into surgery. He's wheeled on in a trolley. It's open-heart surgery. it becomes a snuff TV show inside of his chest dollar bills that's right the number on the TV screen changes to a place where anyone can access a small

proportion of this trillion dollars just like that his money is sent out into the world wow are we are we able to ask we are we going crumb or can we ask questions now just taking a moment for crumb sorry that's beautiful yeah well we I think we're meant to say that but you tell us when you're ready for our input

I'm really yeah I'm ready I think I'm ready that's beautiful crumb yeah crumb first of all you did a lot of sabotage on an Amazon production recently in New Zealand to be applauded we want to recognise that and congratulate you on it thank you thank you so much

you see a weakness or you see a vulnerability or you see a chink in Jeff Bezos's armor with respect to his desire to break into the world of prestige television Absolutely That is the basis for your idea You want to make a TV show built around cats So in the world of the show where This is a very popular show you're assuming

Undoubtedly I got a little bit lost between the connection With the Katz TV show and the money counter? It's sort of a telethon component where there'll be shot live and there'll be telephones on screen at all time. And if you pay a certain

amount of money, you can call live to the cat characters. And it's a sort of crime rule from New Zealand, similar to Shortland Street. It's sort of a hospital set procedural drama starring cats though, which would be the twist.

And then that transitions into reality television once we get a trillion dollars donated cameo there now my question centres around this fact how long do you anticipate it taking

to get to one trillion dollars on the tally of people bringing in months okay so what level of donations and how constant do you think the donations will be to get us to that point and also I'm assuming the trillion dollars

is Jeff Bezos's net worth and not the number of donations that have been made to the show itself. Well, that's a direct funnel. So anybody calling in or donating, it goes directly to a bank account held by Jeff. That is made pretty clear all the time. I guess that would explain why Jeff would jump on the show because in effect he's sort of

being paid to its appearance fee and quite a healthy one at that at a trillion dollars. So that takes a couple of my questions. He doesn't know that he's going to die, though. That is a surprise. Of course. Yeah, yeah, he probably wouldn't, you know, you'd assume he wouldn't come on the shelf and he knew he was going to be executed.

The tabbies, the tabby orderlies, what sort of responsibilities do these cats have in the hospital? Are we to believe that they're dealing with human patients normally or is it sort of Disney's cars, but for cats whereby cats are looking after cats, maybe even using cats in the operation as machinery? They're real cats, right? These are just cats.

These are cats. Are the cats operating on... Are they performing medical procedures on humans or on other cats? Real people. And they're succeeding. No, Jeff Bezos will be the only human. They will be doing procedures on other cats. So it's essentially 99% cats.

Cats on cats. I'm assuming the show also follows the personal lives of the cats, the comings and goings of their romantic partners, families, whatever challenges they might face in life, the ups and downs. yeah okay well the joy's the hopes the losses yeah i really like the um the distribution idea i think the immediacy and the the sort of generous um immediate equal distribution accessible to all is uh is to be applauded and i feel like i actually have no further questions i've just got one final question there was an apologies if i've misunderstood here crumb but my understanding

is we've got bezos doing the open-heart surgery on him and uh i might have believed that His chest cavity is just filled with cash? Yeah. So that's the case now. He came in with that, or is that what happens? That's right. No, that's just a fact. Okay.

Yeah. He just has lots of money inside of his chest cavity, just for safekeeping, I think. All right. Fantastic. Well, no further questions for you. What we will do now is mute both of you and ourselves as we break off to have a private conversation. Stay on the line, please, about the merits of both of your.

your ideas and announce or decide upon a winner an idea that will be going forward in the competition. So we've got, again, two very contrasting pitches. We've got crumbs embrace of a variety of different parts of life that are coming to the four, namely prestige television, the ongoing love of cats. And I suppose he's also incorporating parts of a telethon, which is a bit of a nostalgia kick. It's quite kitsy, but people do enjoy that kind of thing still. Yeah.

On the other hand, we have what was a simultaneously genuine business proposal and a legal loophole through which we can completely exploit. I feel like investing, no matter what way we decide. Thick bisque? Thick bisk, yeah. Thick bisk seems legit. I like what crime's describing and it's a show I'd watch. But to my eyes and is, there's one logical choice for which I do will be going forward here. I know, I know.

I hear what you're saying. bit like, I don't know, there's just, I was so, it was a whirlwind of information and breathtaking marketing and persuasive speech. And materials, yeah, absolutely. But there's like an X factor with crumb, with his idea, so earnestly discussing these things that humans sort of fall for, you know, like cats, it's like a fatal flaw of humans. He understands that about us. I don't disagree, but I think, and look, again, I'd love to watch it, but I just, I don't,

I can't totally comprehend the, the functionality of the TV show itself. So the cats, are they dressed like people dress in hospitals? Hold on, we better ask actually. That seems kind of important. Sorry, Crum, we've just got one final little detail. Are the cats in the show, are they wearing clothes? What are they? Yeah, they're wearing scrubs.

Thank you. Yeah. So the cats are dressed as people. Yeah. And they're trained cats. I just feel like the pipeline from conception to execution is going to take. There are no cats I know that are trained. I think you're right.

I want to see the show. Yeah. I'm desperate to see Crum's idea come into the world. Let's get on the line and tell them as much. But you're right. It's Harley. It's highly up and down. North, southeast to west.

Yeah. Harley. Okay. Do you want to... I'll tell them. Okay. Harley and Crum, welcome back into the room. Thank you so much for bearing with us there. We had an invigorating and enlightening discussion about the, you know, the, I guess, the concepts that you both brought to us. Crum, it's agreed upon that this is a show. We look forward to watching. I think it's dynamite. It's rock solid.

Yeah. You love the idea. You got it over the line with the scrubs. And Harley, what you put in front of us was an absolute whirlwind of, you know, whiz-bang marketing and know-how about the US legal system which engendered a sense of confidence in your idea that is to be lauded. And fared.

Yeah. And it is for that reason that we are going to be pursuing the thick-bisk idea, the knowledge of contract law. And, you know, this sounds like a reasonable means to which to get Jeff Bezos over a trillion dollars. So congratulations.

Congratulations to you, Harley. Harley, you've taken out this round of Killiania. I'm so sorry. I need to buy up ad space on Crum's show because that sounds like the most phenomenal cat drama of all time, even above cats. Yeah. Listen, it will be, but it will not be for Jeff Bezos now.

I'll take this one to Elon, I think. Okay. Sounds good. I see a big future in that crumb, and no hard feelings I should hope because we're really excited to see this show in which cats are running a hospital and a telephone. And eventually, that's right.

Hearing you say it out loud, it's just so good. It does feel like a bit of a miss that we passed on it. But our decisions are final. Thank you both so much for your time. And we'll be seeing you online and in person. I don't know. Particularly in court, depending on whether or not everyone agrees with us that this is indeed a comedy podcast.

Thank you guys so much. We'll see you on the other side. Goodbye. Good luck. Peace out.