The Worst Idea Of All Time - REPLAY: Killionaire TV 6: Jacob v Patricia

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

In the arena for this sixth episode of Killionaire TV, Patricia and Jacob battle to see how can we can glow up the bank account of and then end the run of, Zuckerberg and Bezos, respectively. Today's schemes truly have it all: Casinos, octopuses, big windows and bigger stinks. We've got a couple of real pros on set today from hemispheres as diverse as the northern and southern ones.Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.Support the boys on their modern-day adventures at twioat.substack.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tim here, if you want to see me in the flesh and you're in New Zealand or Australia, good news. I'm coming to Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland and Wellington for the comedy festivals. Please buy some tickets now at timbat.com.com. He's Timbat. I'm Guy Montgomery. And this, well, this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we got a new thing going on. We want to create the world's first ever trillionaire and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire

dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching them against each other until we find Juan Huina. Welcome to Killianer. Hello and welcome to Killionaire. Tim and Guy on a mission to find the very best plan to make and quickly kill a trillionaire. You've got a slightly different take on it though.

Yours is more like, we'll make a trillionaire then see what happens, right? Well, we'll get someone over a trillion dollars, yeah, and then we'll sort of vibe it out. But I've got a rough idea of what their fate will be. We are joined by two Kellyannear contestants. They're here. They've been here for a long time.

Yeah. We've been mucking around with microphones and whatnot, trying to make it all work. In a sense, we've all been here for a long time. Please welcome yourselves. Hello, Jacob. Hello. Hello. And hello, Patricia.

Hello. We're very excited to have you both here joining us from the northern hemisphere, one of the top two hemispheres. Big time. Now, before we get into your pictures, we need to figure out who is going to go first, and we will do this by playing a random guessing game. I am going to think of a number between zero and 100, between one and 100. Zero is not on the menu.

So strike that from your mind. Zero. I'm going to think of a number from one to 100, and Jacob, I'm going to get you to guess what that number is first. Write it down. Write down what you're thinking, because you might change your mind otherwise. You've got to write it down. I'm going to.

Okay. Jacob, you can guess the number first. 21. Okay. Patricia. Go. Two, two is my guess. Okay.

That is an insane guess. Obviously, guessing the error of the middle would make a lot more sense, but fill your boots, Patricia. The number was 77. So, Jacob, you are closer. You get to choose the running order. Would you like to speak first or would you like to cede that opportunity to Patricia? I'll go first. Why not?

Fantastic. I admire your bravery. We are very excited. Patricia, if you'd be kind enough, I'm going to mute you now. Please stay on the line. Hi. Am I sharing my screen? Can you see that? Fancy. Yes, I can see that. I have it. Okay. I'm immediately excited by this. Jacob, you are sharing your screen in a big way. Okay, perfect. So welcome to my pitch, Killian Air, Casino Nights. So the overall plan is that I'm going to get the two of you jobs working at a casino.

I'm leaning towards the Crown Casino in Sydney, but a casino of your choice. I know who will. Then the next step is to entice Bezos or any other billionaire to the casino with a single promotional no-limit roulette spin. I will then rig the game in his favor and then murder him basically immediately. So first of all, the setup. We're going to need both of you employed. One is a waiter and one as a roulette dealer. I've assigned the roles pretty arbitrarily.

So if you want to swap, feel free. But this is what we're using for the purpose of the presentation. And I believe that I can, particularly for you, Tim, coach you through the rigorous four interview process of becoming a roulette dealer. Why am I qualified for this? because six months ago I was offered a position as a trainee roulette dealer

at the Sydney Star Casino why can't I just do it because four days into the job I was fired for not being able to handle the chips properly I wasn't dexterous enough in my fingers so that's left a black mark

which means I'll never work in a casino again so the bet as off yesterday I didn't update it today. Jeff Bezos is in third place in the billionaire rankings, which means he can safely bet $40 billion without falling below Bill Gates. The payout on any single number in a roulette wheel is 35 to 1.

This gives us a total winning of $1.4 trillion. And I believe that Bezos, there's nothing he can't buy with $130 billion. the only reason not to risk it is to risk the ranking. And this would shoot him right up to number one where he believes he rightfully belongs. So I think as soon as we advertise this, he'll be on the first plane to Sydney. Now, how are we going to rig this game?

I've thought about this a lot. Magnets. A ball made out of metal, some kind of magnetic device hidden in the roulette wheel. Now, the casino obviously won't be, on board with you rigging the game, which means as well as becoming the most trusted roulette dealer in the entire casino, you're also going to have to learn quite a bit of close-up magic in order to slide a hand of magnet onto the board. But with that done,

the bet will go through and Jeff Bezos will collect is $1.4 trillion in casino chip winnings. That's where a guy comes into the picture. Now, ideally we want to kill him as quickly as possible after he becomes a trillionaire so the trillionaire can only exist for mere seconds. Now, how are we going to do it? Poison? Of course not. Poison shows up in an autopsy. He might not even order a drink.

Maybe he has a taster like some kind of rich king. Instead, what we're going to lace the drink with is, bam, the world's slipperiest material. We fill a drink with that. We don't serve it to him. We drop it instead on the floor right next. to an open window 10 stories above Sydney streets. Then this will result in Jeff Bezos, slipping over and out the window, raining casino chips down on the people of Sydney.

This has inbuilt wealth redistribution right in the moment. It can be made to look like an accident. No one's going to check the contents of the drink. And finally, it also bankrupts a casino as an added bonus. The end? Yeah, any questions? Well, first of all, thank you. Congratulations.

Fantastic presentation, Jacob. Really solid idea. I'll let you jump in first. I've got a few questions, but can I just kick off with, in your ranking of the richest people, there was someone called Bernard Arnold and family. Who the fuck is that? We've spoken about them in previous episodes of the podcast.

He's a Frenchman with a huge, I believe he owns some haught couture or high fashion brands, their family do they are wow he owns like a lot of them yeah i i never heard of him either until i saw this list but yeah he owns like actually couldn't name a single one i think louis baton okay and yeah i think that does sound right and that you know if he gets to a trillion dollars off of his own steam we'll deal with that as and when it occurs but there's something about pushing a frenchman over a trillion which it feels disingenuous to me it feels like it feels like this person's meant to be American.

He's top three. That's my own prejudice. I don't know where that's coming from. Don't bring this into this. Okay. He's the only one in like the top 20 who isn't American, I'm pretty sure. We've got a $40 billion spin. We've got 35 to one odds. We've got a $1.4 trillion dollar payout.

My initial feeling is that perhaps the casino doesn't have that on hand. That is something I haven't really thought about. I think as a publicity stunt, they'd be willing. willing to go, I think we could talk them into going no limit without really thinking about what no limit means. Okay. Guiding it to a casino. I suspect they would just be so embarrassed. Yeah.

When Jeff Bezos showed up with $40 billion in cash that they called in a few favors and borrowed some poker chips, some casino chips from neighboring casinos. Okay. Borrowed a lot of money, made it work. I'll put a ring around that. In your mind's eye, you're imagining that they do this on the arrival of Jeff Bay. These aren't chips that they have prepared. They see Jeff Bezos and they do a quick whip around Australian casinos. Okay.

That's my thinking, yeah. Yeah. Fair enough. Have you got more? Yeah, I do actually. I'm very interested in you being so bad at handling the chips that you were fired four days into your tenure at the casino. Now, what are Australians' labor laws, that you could just be fired for, you know, sausage fingers effectively.

So there's a six-week training program, and when you sign the contract, it says if you fail any assessment as part of the training program, you can be let go immediately. And on the fourth day, they have what's called a chipping assessment where you have to, a lot of it is just picking up a lot of chips very quickly and putting them in need stacks. And, yeah, it's a very dexterous. Jacob, do you know roughly how many people make it through that phase

and how many people face a similar fate to yourself? Yeah, so I think I was the only one in a class of 45 who failed. Sorry to hear that. I've got to say, obviously that was... I spoke to a few other, yeah. That's upsetting, but it sounds like... they made the right decision. Yeah, I think if you have even just below average,

if you're in the top 90% of dexterity, you'll probably be fine. Yeah. Wow. Because I can't imagine the wages are like phenomenal at the casino. I imagine they're like good, but to have to be in the $0.15 an hour. That's pretty fucking good by New Zealand money anyway. Okay.

Magnets. close-up magic I'm a big fan of that no I think that's it for questions for me one of the big questions I had was the window which plays such an important role in the execution of Jeff Bezos a lot of the time when you're on those high-rise buildings the windows are on

brackets or they only open a certain amount what's your proposal for ensuring that we have a window that is open wide enough for a person to slip through I suppose I hadn't thought about that Thinking on the fly here

If someone could do something very stinky in the casino Causing them to want to open the window Great, great, great Okay What if Jacob, we got you into the casino to take a shit on the floor I'd be willing to do that for the cause, yeah Fantastic All right, well that's probably

That's good, yeah now. That's very good. Thank you, Jacob. What we're going to do now is mute you so that we can speak to our next contestant Patricia. But before we do, Jacob, thank you very much. Well played. And Patricia, welcome. Hi, thank you. I'd like to thank my competitor. That was very good. Oh, wow. So gracious. Yeah, so gracious. There won't be any overlap because I've decided to kill Mark Zuckerberg. So it's fine.

Maybe we can do both. trillion each. Yeah. So I'm going to start with kind of reading my initial pitch, which leads to the, just the how to get him over the Killianair kind of the Trillionaire mark. And then I'm going to wing it a bit more in the actual murder plot. I love that. Okay. Sounds good.

Yeah. So I'm happy that at long last an opportunity has arisen to share my innovative and foolproof method of pushing New York native and Torres, Mark Elliott Zuckerberg, across the trillion dollar mark with the subsequent aim of murdering him for shared profit. Step 1. What is the biggest financial drag in terms of known lizard and Harvard graduate Mark Zuckerberg's iteration of the Metaverse? It is, of course, the problem of servers. Running a media empire and hosting a future dystopian virtual reality platform takes massive processing power. Servers need to be cold and currently the planet is heating up.

But how do we make global warming and rising oceans work for us? We go aquatic. I will convince Zuckerberg that the cool ocean floor is prime real estate for his server farms and helped to push this policy across the Senate floor, or however, Americans process, their clown politics, saving money on rent and air conditioning systems, this will surely rocket Zuckerberg's profits into the trillions. This is, however, all part of my long-term assassination strategy.

Years pass. Mark Zuckerberg learns to swim, and META begins building its oceanic architecture. Little this Zaki now that I have been diving into previous NASA research on the intercommunication of human and sea creatures. Without psychedelics, and most importantly, without fucking any dolphins, I will successfully begin to speak to a number of underwater animals with whom I couldlude on an aquatic murder plot of one pasty bug-eye trillionaire.

For this, I choose, as my partner in the venture, the giant Pacific octopus. All right. Years have passed. Mehta has succeeded with building underwater farms, like data farms. And just a normal Thursday, Mark Zuckerberg is going down one of his tunnels down into the servers. He has his own tunnel, private tunnel, which has windows open for viewing of the oceanic floor. He's on an electric scooter. As he's going down the tunnel, there's no sounds, he's just whistling along,

and then he hears a tapping on the outside of the tunnel. He thinks perhaps there's a shoal of fish or something. He stops. He gets off. He looks out the window and sees what he first thinks is an octopus, but it's actually me in a full copper, steampunk tier, water diving suit. He goes up to the window. I go, Rupert Rupert. No response to Zuckerberg, shocked. I go, Rup Bavar and he goes, what is happening? I go,

Rook behind her. And he looks behind himself to the other window. Through the other window is what he thinks is now another steampunk diving suit, but it is actually a giant Pacific octopus in its normal air like tidal habitat. Um, holding in, uh, So I didn't go into this, but the communication is like a movement-based form because that's actually how octopuses communicate traditionally with other octopi. It's holding many small wrenches, unscrewing the bolts, which are stupidly on the outside of the tunnel.

Immediately it crashes, water fills in. I think Zuckerberg will immediately die from this. But actually, what I didn't know is that he spent quite a lot of money on genetic engineering over the last few years, and he now has gills. The octopus fucked off. I'm now alone with Zuckerberg in the water. I put my hands around Mark Zuckerberg's bainy throat, but then realize in the moment that I'm about to kill a human being for profit,

I pause, thinking that maybe I don't want to kill another human being for that, even if it's a shared profit, especially since I've looked up how much $1 trillion is divided among the population of the planet, and it's about $140.40. Going on. I let go.

We kind of sheepishly float to the surface. I immediately get onto land, shamed that I've failed this plot. I look out at the water close enough to see Mark Zuckerberg's eyes and I start to think about all the things that we have in common, how lonely we've probably been over the last few years.

I wonder what the name of his childhood pet was. I wonder if he's buried a parent in the last few years and if when he sat in the pews of the church he felt that he was taking attention away by his media personality realizing he's going to miss this person for the rest of his life. As I think that, a single tentacle

rises from the water. It's the octopus. It has interpreted the otter-like Zuckerberg as one of its natural enemies and with a swift crack of a whip breaks Zuckerberg's neck. I think it was a good thing that I invested sometime

in teaching a lot of varieties of crustaceans, mostly river crawfish, to write Zuckerberg's handwriting, which have infiltrated the administrator offices of Facebook in the meantime, and re-signed his will to distribute his trillion dollars to the population. And I go home, and that's it. Wow. Thank you, Patricia.

Wow. First of all, the pathos you achieved towards the end of that when you were wrestling with the idea of removing another person's mortality was genuinely moving. my initial question and you don't have to answer this because I'm aware that this project is somewhat fraught for some people

in certain areas and you may not want to reveal this but what do you do for a living if you please? I do research for an artist in Berlin. Right, research for an artist incredible. My money was on novelist, screenwriter

storyteller of some some description. Patricia Murderer perhaps. Well, no, it sounds like you don't have what it takes. But I just have to ask you. So communicating with an octopus is one thing. We know the octopus is one of the most intelligent species on the planet.

And I don't doubt your ability to break through that communication barrier and start being able to engage. But my question is more about how do you then pivot from communicating to sort of loading up an octopus with your own agenda or propaganda and how do you know that an octopus might not be carrying out its own version of a similar mission where it's learning to communicate with a human and has designs on loading you up with information to enact its will?

Wow, wow, wow. Look, look, it's all about interspecies trust my guy. Okay. And so, of course, I can't truly know if the octopus intended to follow through on my plan. I can only lead them to the point that I've tried to communicate through interpretive dance and similar kind of octoply body.

But if the end comes down to emotional link. There's only certain things that are in our control guy and assessing fully to full confidence whether or not the octopus is on board with the plan or trying to double cross you is actually outside your total sphere of influence. We can only try our best. I don't doubt that.

But I guess I'm just curious about the intensity of bond. I mean, you're going to have to spend so much time with this octopus and throughout your entire pitch a lot of the time you said many years pass how long do you see from this moment until it's totality this this plan taking well look for someone else it would probably have taken decades but i have a natural rapport with sea creatures and so for me i estimate seven i was going to say six okay we're in the ballpark seven seven years all right um i'm pretty concerned and i know that this so what you have have done in your plan which is very important and good is basically game out what is the most

likely sequence of events and i just wanted to highlight highlight for everyone there i'm very concerned by zuckaberg gaining the ability to swim that doesn't feel like a good thing to me i don't like that he is able to um travel through the water for any distance and uh there's just you know if i can impress upon everyone the importance of us taking these billionaire come trillionaires down it's that zuckerberg might learn how to navigate water no i don't think when you said Zuckerberg might learn to swim. He's still commuting to work on an electric scooter in a tunnel. He's not confident.

It's like if you take a five-year-old to swim and less than three times. It just means that he doesn't immediately drown. Yeah, exactly. And that's a problem for me. I follow all your logic about the servers, the water. I mean, having one octopus with essentially a toolbox from the 70s, they would have sort of open up the panels and flood this entire operation running what is now our lived in experience

and constructed reality in these server farms under the ocean. I mean, it'd be pretty fortuitous but maybe that's just how things work. You know, you only need one weak link in the chain and the whole thing comes down.

So I guess it's just a matter of finding that panel. $140 per person. I'd never done the math before. It seems like we're risking a lot. I found a website that said that one trillion divided by someone else doing the calculations, $1 trillion divided by just everyone in the United States is $3,268,

which is not a lot. So I even think that my calculation of $142 per everyone on the planet sounds low. Yeah, it might be right. Who knows? Who knows? It's literally impossible to tell. Yeah, yeah, we just can't run the numbers. Look, it's an interesting and intriguing proposal.

Oh, yeah, and then, Zuckerberg getting gills? I mean, I'm worried by the fact that he can swim. him to the level of like a 10 year old, but him then getting girls. Just before we get to assessing which of your ideas we'd like to pursue, I also have to ask Patricia, in the plan, he's on his e-scooter, he's underwater, and you approach one of the windows from the outside. I don't know how pressurized these windows are to, you know, to protect against the immense force of water surrounding it, but you communicate through the window. I just need to be walked through the particulars of it. Do you get into the tunnel?

Does he come out of the tunnel? Or you're. speaking and he's hearing you through the tunnel. Great question. So when I'm outside, so when I first see him, I'm outside. So there's glass separating us and then my extravagant suit. Yes. So I have to use quite a lot of a lung power to communicate to him. Yeah. But once it's broken down, it quickly,

I kind of skimmy out of it to be able to have full body-to-body contact upon murder. So the tunnel breaks down, is that right? Yeah, yeah, the octopus removes kind of the outer bearings of the tunnel. It immediately collapses. Yeah, great. Yeah, and then we kind of convene in the water. We're not very far under the surface. Like, I kind of wore the suit for show.

We're actually just about 10 meters out from the shoreline at this point. I like that you went with a steampunk version of it, though. I got a real strong visual of it's brassy, it's bold. It's very fashion forward. Do you know who would appreciate it? Bernard Arnold I doubt that As a high fashion magnate

I'd say he's probably anti-steampunk But that's a different conversation It's coming back, babies All right I think we've heard enough from you as well Patricia, thank you both for your fantastic pitches We're now going to mute Hold the line ourselves

And we will discuss the merits of both of your ideas And we'll come back to you once we know Whose idea we will be pursuing Momentarily Okay Hi Tim Guy are you?

Worried. About? Zuckerberg getting girls. Okay, you don't like that? I don't like it at all. But it's not like part of Patricia's plan. It's just she's gaming out what's going to happen in the future. So I don't want to hold it against her.

This isn't like Mark's against her. I really like the idea of us working in a casino. Yeah, I was a little bit... Especially the Australian... You've got to check your ego when you're doing stuff like this, but I was a little bit affronted by... Oh, your role is the waiter? Well, I don't mind being a waiter, but there was a sort of...

of an assumption and even it was sort of touched upon in his speaking where he said you know Tim obviously has to do this and no he said it was arbitrary there was his word but then he said another thing which suggested that you you're the only person who could be the dealer and you can you're going to learn close up magic no no no no no no no no all of a sudden i'm going to get left behind i'm just going to be this clumsy waiter who's you know like you're not going to be in the news dig in it it's like you know what you do you need to check your ego it's silly you know i'm so happy for you to be a dealer and learn close up magic i'm really happy for you about that too. But I felt like

like we're probably oh yeah, whoever is the croupier. Is that what it's called in roulette? Crupier? Or is it's something else? It's lovely words. It's craps. I'm going to go with it anyway. Whoever the crewpea is is the person who needs to learn close up magic to put the magnets on, right? Okay, so that's the same person. So I am like the window thing. You've got more hospo experience than me, I think.

I do. So this does kind of lend itself to, and I've probably got more gambling experience than you. Yeah. I won some money on the weekend, actually. Oh, good for you. Sports betting? Gambling on sports. That's all by the bite. Look, I like the idea.

I like it's called casino nights. And I like where we got to with it. I am like the getting Bezos, like we're banking on Bezos really wanting a trillion dollars. Somehow the advertising material is about this deal happening at the casino. And also no one else swimming in before him. I know. And all of a sudden the casino bankrupt him before we set this up for Bezos.

You've also got the window brackets. Those high-rise buildings. Those windows do not open very far. That is a health and safety. measure that they take not just against billionaires but against everyone. Do you know why as well? Some people don't jump out. Yeah, of course.

And so I just feel like even if he shits on the floor, people are going to notice that windows open. You're going to have the floor manager coming over and saying we need to shut that. I know it stinks, but we need to shut that window. Both these plans rely on a lot of things happening just so. Well, yes. But I actually think Patricia's plan is more likely to work. Yeah.

More likely to unfold and work in the ways that she's described. Yeah, I mean There's a There's so much about the casino Knights plan to love Yeah So much Close up magic

Gambling I like casinos generally Yeah But I've got to go with my head here Because we've got a goal in mind And I'm saying it now My votes with Patricia Look I mean I've got my reservations

About Patricia's plan as well I like the idea of going underwater Apparently the rent and the air conditioning Are both cheaper Yeah We didn't ask how But I'm going to trust her What underwater?

Yeah. Because you're not taking up land. And it's because you're using the power of the cold ocean to cool all your equipment down. Microsoft have done experiment. They've done this. They've done this. This is a known thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I mean, I just... You're using the ocean as your heat sink. I'm doing my due diligence. My instincts also say Patricia. Well, it looks like we're good. Hi, hi folks. Welcome back. I would just unmute both of you as well.

So we've just had a pretty robust and rigorous. discussion as you could probably see us gesticulate through. It was. Yeah, well, and that's because you've animated us. You've activated us in a very exciting way. And before we tell you who we've judged the winner of this particular episode of Kulini, we do want to thank you both for your time. Yeah.

And the energy you put into your pictures. They're both outstanding. Lots to love. What do I love? I love Patricia's steampunk ocean diving suits. I love befriending aquatic life. I like an interspecies relationship, not sexual, to go against the forces of evil vis-a-vis the hyper-wealthy.

What do I like about Jacob's plan? I like being in a casino. You do. That's something you do really like. And you like the idea of learning close-up magic. I like the idea of learning close-up magic without having to engage with the possibility of becoming a magician. It would be pretty hard to do once you'd learned it,

you'd start at parties and then all of a sudden you're doing it. on stage a little bit, you're doing it on the street. But that's by the by. I like luring Bezos to a casino, and, you know, there's a lot to love about it. I like the immediacy between which we get him that money and we execute him. However, there can only be one winner. And based on the merits of both of your ideas and us gaming out the probability of which one would work, we will be pursuing Patricia, your idea is the winner today.

Congratulations. Jacob also congratulations to you but apologies we just aren't quite ready to dive into casino nights

as it currently stands this may or may not have something to do with the fact that you cast me in the role of the casino croupier

I tried to put my ego at the door but I was a fire you know you said it was arbitrary but then Tim's getting into all the cool stuff hey you're the one who gets to do the murder

that's scary that's all of a sudden We're all in this together and then I'm the guy who's slipping him out of window? I based it entirely on the fact that in episode two of the original series, Tim knew something about roulette. Well, I, Jacob, thank you so much.

And Patricia, a hearty congratulations to you. How are you feeling? I'm feeling really great. I'm really happy. I mean, I spent a lot of time and energy on this plan that I'm going to execute. So I'm happy that I have some support. That's just the beginning.

You know, all going well. You're going to be spending a lot of time and energy with Octopi. That's true. But thank you both for your time. It's now time for us to terminate this call as we must move on in our adventures. But thank you very much and we will be talking to you soon. Goodbye. Any final thoughts for everyone listening?

I'm looking forward to seeing the other contestants' ideas. Right. I should have thought about the window in advance. It's probably my main one. Fair enough. Okay. Well, thank you very much. You do.