The Worst Idea Of All Time - REPLAY: Killionaire TV 9: Rose v Ollie

Episode Date: May 1, 2026

In our most recent, exciting episode of Killionaire TV - we’re looking at a plot involving none other than 2000’s sporting icon Lance ‘Livestrong’ Armstrong. It involves a pretty nifty plan matching his biking antics delivered by a man who reflexively defensive about the details. Meanwhile, Rose presents a compelling plan of mentorship, lotteries and… a hammer, I guess? Who will win? Who farted? Only one way to find out!Thanks to editor AJ of Cult Popture and graphic designer Tomas Cottle.Support the boys on their modern-day adventures at twioat.substack.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tim here, if you want to see me in the flesh and you're in New Zealand or Australia, good news. I'm coming to Adelaide, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland and Wellington for the comedy festivals. Please buy some tickets now at timbat.com.com. He's Timbat. I'm Guy Montgomery. And this, well, this is a dumpster. Together, we're best known for watching bad movies too often. But as the world turns to custard, we got a new thing going on. want to create the world's first ever trillionaire and then swiftly remove the world's first ever trillionaire dispersing their funds to humanity at large. We're taking your ideas, pitching

them against each other until we find Juan Fuena. Welcome to Killianer. Hey everybody, guess what? Killianer again. Tim's back? Guy's back. More important ideas about how to get someone to a trillion dollar net wealth is back. More murder plots are back. Yeah. Two people who aren't, back because they're joining us for the first time. Ollie and Rose. Ollie, hello? Hi, Tim. And Rose, gidday.

G'day. We're so honoured to have you both here, guys, and we cannot wait to hear your respective ideas for how to treat some of society's elite, our best and brightest. To decide which of you will be pitching first, I'm going to choose a... I'm going to go back to numbers, Tim.

I'm going to choose a number between 1 and 100, and Olli, you're going to guess what the number is and then Rose, you will guess and whoever's closest will get to choose the running order for today's pitches. Ollie, you'll guess when you're ready. 49. That's a great guess.

Everyone's been guessing like three. Yeah. 49 is the most appropriate guess. It makes sense. And Rose, yours please. 48. Oh, well, you're not going to like that. like this, Ollie, but you've been absolutely outthought, outplayed, outmaneuvered and outdone,

you absolute fucking idiot. Rose, in a romp, you have beaten Ollie. I chose the number 24, so you can choose whether you'd like to pitch first or whether you'd like to hear Ollie. Oh, I'll go second. Let's see what Ollie's pitch is. It's great. I was going to go first anyway.

I like that, in which case, Rose, we are going to mute your microphone and we will hand the floor over to Ollie to run us through his exceptional. exciting idea. Okay, well, thank you very much. So my idea just, you know, at the start, it's slightly more focused on the killing of the of the trillionaire as opposed to the getting them to it. Because the thing is, they're so close anyway, they'll probably get there by themselves, really. I'll allow it.

Okay, so the first step, go on this really great indie website called Amazon and basically order a load of stuff that you could use to dress yourself up as an alien and film an incredibly convincing home film about how you live on Mercury and how you how you'd love to meet Jeffrey Bezos. We sent Rovers to the Moon and Mars and stuff, but we haven't really focused on Mercury very much, so we don't really know anything about it, we don't know if there's had aliens there or not. And he'll be so easily convinced, because, you know, massively you go, it'll be like, oh, I want to be the first to go to Mercury, not just Mars. Because if you said you were from Mars, you wouldn't be able to get away with that.

You just go, oh no, Mars is like right next door, mate. We can see there's no life on there. So obviously you go from Mercury a bit further away. Um, and you also need to make sure that you really want to meet Lance Armstrong. And be sure to, like, give the impression that you're totally unaware of any of his controversies. and the reason for this is because Mercury do get a great signal of Earth TV, but it's about 15 years behind. So basically, we're thinking 2007, you know, they're thinking he's a great champion,

and they also think that they met his uncle. This is you pretending to be the alien, thinking that you met his uncle back in 69, because they are just on like a little trip to the hour moon. as like a little holiday for summer and uh they just happened to meet him so they're like oh that's got that guy's nephew he's great guy so this will be the first contact with alien life so jeffrey would be right on that um and it will be like oh yeah we'll do whatever the alien wants won't even give it a second for straight straight to work here you go eventually yeah um and so basically you'll be pouring

all these resources into it and you get a combination of unwavering support from world governments and also Amazon continuing their current profit margins and you know as they continue to absolutely kill it during the pandemic no pun intended they'll easily get over that trillion mark and then over the preceding months you know it to build a rocket I reckon it can't take more than a year You basically donate as much money as you can to the Livestrong charity and as much as you can, like mortgage houses, sell your body if you have to, just donate as much money as possible to the charity and Lance will be so grateful that he'll want to get in direct contact with you

and basically, and what you need to, the importance of this is is that you need to communicate to Lance that he needs to bring some of his own fuel on the mission with him you've donated so much money to him he's like oh this this guy's a decent bloke he must be it must be you know trying to help me out here so we'll obviously do it

and they'll bring a fridge full of oxygenated fuel on the mission with him you know obviously you know with a mission like this infinite number of risks right from the beginning so chances are Jeffrey could just be dead on takeoff but let's assume they make it

into space yeah yeah you know it gets to launch day and uh Lance has brought his fridge full of oxygenated fuel and Jeffrey greets them

you know as if one would someone who's brought a bottle of wine to a dinner party oh that's so kind of you Lance can you just put it over there please

um so they're closing on Mercury and they need to make one last refill on the fuel and Lance is a bit you know he's a bit disappointed at this point he's like oh we haven't used any of my fuel yet can we can we use a bit of my fuel and uh jeffrey said oh go on them with that uh puts on that winning smile you know stick it in there yeah that famous smile and uh oh it's a great smile

the laugh as well to go with it i reckon as it's a classic very comforting start and so basically this oxygenated fuel causes the ship to go much faster than they had calculated and This point ship's too fast to control. And it just goes right past Mercury and straight into the sun. And it's almost sort of poetic if you, you know, see acquiring a trillion dollars as flying too close to the sun. Nice. Then you could literally fly into the sun. Not at all inspired by turtles.

And that is my pitch. Fantastic. Thank you very much, Holly. Right. A little bit to... A couple of questions from us. Yeah, to get through here. Rose is impressed. It's very polite, Rose.

We are also. First of all, I'd like to commend you on bringing the Livestrong charity back front and center. It's been a dormant few years for Livestrung. I remember at high school, a lot of people were wearing those yellow wristbands that said Livestrong, and I never got one. I always thought, man, they look so good. No, eag on your face now. They're for a worthy cause too. And it's just, it's, it's so hyper-specific.

It's nice to hear about Lance, you know, getting to be celebrated for the man we thought he was. Yeah. Yeah, the man they still think he's on Mercury, of course. Yes. So Lance is not in on, like, one of the big issues I have with the plan here is that Lance is bringing, what did you call it, oxygenated fuel? Yeah. So does Lance know what will happen?

if he uses the oxygenated fuel on the spacecraft? No, because he's a cyclist, isn't it? He's not a rocket scientist. So why is he so insisted on bringing oxygenated fuel? He wants to be a part of it. He must be involved. You've donated so much money to Live Strong that he feels obliged to go with.

Because you've suggested it to him to bring the fuel, so he feels obliged to take it. I just, I mean, I love that Lan Time Strong's here, but sort of him having trouble getting past it. Why is Lance Armstrong in acting so much of this stuff? It was just an idea from like, oh yeah, oxygenated fuel, that will make the ship go too fast. So in a similar vein to oxygenated blood, making you go faster and cycling. Yes, absolutely.

And it works for me. You've turned all these metaphors into a very literal plan. I've only got one question. Lance and Neil. Are they actually uncle and nephew? you? I don't think so. No, I'm pretty sure they're not. We would know. They aren't. But I mean, unless they're hiding something. That goes to show how vulnerable we are to misinformation. Another one I've got for you, Ollie, before we move on to Rose's pitch, is

Mercury is, you know, I like you're dismissing Mars out of hand saying, we know there's no one there. It's our neighbour mate. Get over it, whatever. I like that you think a rocket takes about a year to build. Mercury is in and of itself, like that is a suicide mission. Mercury is famously, like, unspeakably hot, with temperatures almost hitting 500 degrees Celsius. Why don't we just, like, if they're convinced it is a good idea to go there, why don't we just let them glide straight into Mercury?

Well, good point. But, you know, I would say Mercury whilst being hot, like I think, you know, within a year, they could probably design a spaceship that's probably, that could probably withstand it. Exactly. How long is it? Is there any space stuff that takes longer than roughly a year by your estimation? No, I don't know. I don't reckon.

So, yeah, they'll just fly straight past it into the sun and nothing's able to withstand the heat of the sun on direct contact. They've got it like... Just making absolutely sure here. Yeah, they've got it heat-proofed to about 600 degrees Celsius, but they, no one's prepared to travel into the sun.

They've done their homework. They've done their homework for Mercury. They have not done their homework for our local star. Look, I mean, yeah, lots to like... I'm a big fan of the plan, Ollie, and I don't have any further questions,

so I think we're going to put you on hold now, and we're going to hear from Rose. This guy is not fucking around. Absolutely not. Rose, welcome to the factory floor. How are you? I'm very well. And thank you for giving us all this opportunity.

We love to hear that. We love a thank you for this opportunity. Only the great seize these opportunities, Rose. And here is your opportunity to seize yours. Please tell us about your plan. Basically, it's a lottery, a mentor lottery. And with the help of... of my computer friends designing an app

that initially you can only buy it three times. It's an application to become an apprentice to a whole slew of mentors, certainly the Killianaires, but to sell it, I thought I'd line up some people that would appeal to a diverse range of whether you're or a science geek or a young artist or a musician, and line up some people you think, yeah, I'd really like to spend some time with them.

And so fashion an easy entry sweepstakes that the mentors don't have to vet, because with the $5 entry fee, I'm hoping a worldwide response, they're certainly not vetting my little questionnaire. However, random selection, it boils down to five, groups of five. And however many mentors, initially I just thought maybe the three billionaires, but then I thought, well, it could be other mentors as well that you get to spend time with.

So kind of a, I guess, a Charlie in the Chocolate Factory kind of idea. You get to spend time with the big wigs. And there, the... The fun begins because then you start to, they look at how you've responded to the questionnaire. And the questionnaire I fashioned big, broad stroke questions. Number one, how would you help an immediate friend or family member? Number two, how would you help your community? Escalating to how would you help your country, to how would you help the world?

then just at the end, how would you help or improve yourself? I like this line of questioning. Yeah. So just to kind of take a little bit of the monetary edge off of it, because by the time these guys reach this level in their life, they want to be seen to be a little bit more compassionate or helping out. So by flattery and through the sweepstakes, hopefully they would all come on board and welcome having five strangers in their midst.

And I picked a duration maybe five days, could be tolerable. They have to work with you to try and make this, answer these questions, I guess. And just by familiarity, and we boil it down to, ultimate winners. So those, say those first three teams of five, each billionaire picks their favorite. And I'm not too sure about the next bit. I thought out of those three winners, maybe the other two should get a turn with the other billionaires. Yeah, so everyone's mixing and mingling. But ultimately, there's one winner and they get to pick who they do their time with. So there's a little bit more concrete pursuit of helping the world your friends and yourself somehow.

I was wondering how many hours you might spend and what the circumstances of those are, whether you're sort of at a desk or you're in the passenger seat driving alongside the calionaire for a couple of days. There would be opportunities for murder. So whether it's something as basic as a ball and pin hammer when they weren't looking, just in the back of the skull or the back of the knees I've been watching a lot of action movies lately but Bowlin pin hammer scene

or a fire hydrant fire hydrants are sort of handy that's a good weight so just by familiarity really access very close proximity a hit in the head repeatedly somehow disable them

so that's me so Rose quick question how does this get to someone over the trillion dollar line this whole competition well I don't too sure about my math there but I thought with the world's population that have access to

a modern phone if not the competition could open up to community centers so by sheer volume entry and we would run it because it's a lottery of course yes it So you're buying tickets online that are processed online.

How much are we thinking? It's $5. Oh, I'm sorry, I missed that bit. Yeah, $5. It's $5 and it's open to everyone. How are you going to get the Killianers, as you describe them, to volunteer their time and energy? You're assuming that the philanthropic nature of the sweepstakes

and their offering to be a mentor will be enough to convince them to take part? Yeah. And just rubbing shoulders with the right people through media platforms here in New Zealand and just escalating it on social media sites. Either they would optimistically respond by shutting it down or saying, no, I don't know anything about this. Or some other pundit or media site would be lucky enough to entice them, that carrot on the stick. my second question is actually for guy

midway through the pitch you sort of shifted in your seat a lot and it made a sound and I wanted to ask you directly if you farted or if it was the chair oh I didn't fart and you'd know if I didn't smell it I'd tell you it's like I farted you would say that in the middle of a pitch though

I wouldn't I would fart in the middle of a pitch I wouldn't announce it I would tell you after the fact I'd say by the way so like now you would tell me now if I had farted floors I've been for you to tell me. I would tell you, if I had farted, I would tell you I fart it now. So do you want to tell me anything?

No, because I have nothing to tell you. Cheers, make funny noises when you move on. You shifted on your seat. Yeah, I shifted on my seat. I was trying to become comfortable. You buying this, Rose? I was at an important pitch meeting, and there was no hiding the fact that the guy had farted. He actually leaned off, and it had audio.

Oh. And he carried on. How did it go for that person who was doing the business pitch? We didn't work with him. That sealed the deal. It wasn't a great idea to begin with. A lot of us were trying not to laugh. I left the room because I couldn't suppress my laughter.

But no, in his defense, it wasn't a great pitch anyway. Well, I have no further questions for either Rose or Ollie. So what we're going to do now, guys, is we're going to mute your microphones. We will also mute ourselves from you. You won't hear what we're saying, but we're going to discuss the merits of both of your ideas. And then when we return, we will announce our winner who will be advancing to the winner's circle. Good luck to you both during this exciting conversation we're about to have. Thank you. Of course I didn't fart. It kind of felt like

you did. There's a lot of shifting. No, I was having a backer. issue. Okay. I understand it because we can't really lean. Are you having this thing where you can't lean back? Yeah. Yeah, me too because they have everything set up. So here's, here's what I've got. Roe, big picture. I like Rose's idea. I like the sweepstakes. I like the mentorship component. You know what I don't like? The math. How many people on earth guy? Three billion? No. It's like eight billion, I think. Oh man. Okay. Well, even so, let's call it eight times five. That's $40 billion. Yeah.

Our closest billionaires are a lot more than $40 billion off becoming a trillionaire. Yeah. And despite the fact that Ollie was totally hands off, I mean, he's sort of right. Well, the thing is... Which applies to both of them and that these billionaires are going to get there before too long anyway. Yeah, he was. And his idea, I mean, I like the dressing up like an alien. I like using Amazon.

To me, that's grassroots fundraising. is it's using the materials that are provided to you to help put money into these guys' pockets. I mean, I think both plans have what I would describe as bat-shit insane components. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that works for and against them. But my instinct and my gut is telling me

that the space race is where Bezos's interest in heart lies. And while I'm not sure that someone is intelligent, I'm assuming, intelligent enough to be trying to get into space, base, would just go to Mercury, no questions asked. I think there are details. I think we can work with the bones of a really good scheme are here. And I just love the introduction of like peak Lance, like 2007 era. Yeah.

Still the people's champion Lance Armstrong. I mean, it feels needless. You queried him on it and I don't know if the answer was super satisfactory, but it's a satisfactory thing to be part of the plan. Yeah. for no other reason than nostalgia. Okay, so I think we've got a pretty clear decision here. Okay, well, I'm going to let you do this one.

Okay, Olly and Rose, can you hear me? Yeah, yeah. We have just engaged in an open-minded, open-hearted and spirited conversation in which we assess the merits of both of your ideas, and we agree that they both have tremendous merits, Rose, the sort of philanthropic nature of your sweepstakes, getting everyone involved, that's very exciting to us.

We did find an issue with respect to the finances in that there's 7.753 billion people on Earth and even if 3 billion of those sign up at $5 each, that's only $15 billion. And the shortcoming between that and getting one of these guys to a trillion dollars is it's still quite significant. Ollie, you on the other hand suggested that,

hold on, do you want to let Rose respond to that real quick? Yeah. No, fair comment because I was thinking of how do I calculate that fairly? You know, you said $3 million. The whole planet isn't going to respond. And some people are going to, I had no, I couldn't figure out a way to do it. And I wanted to make it, didn't want to make it free, but I didn't want it to make it 50 bucks. No.

You don't want to make it prohibitive. No, yeah. I think your price point's actually about right. I love the price point, yeah. And sorry, so to Ollie now. So, Ollie, you just, you trust that if these financial maniacs, these, you know, greedy, ultra-wealthy people are left to their own devices, they'll cross that threshold anyway. It's not the most creative solution to getting them to a trillion dollars, but it's hard to disagree. We agreed that you have the bones of a very sound idea.

Bezos is obsessed with space. We can play into that. We can sort of... Lance Armstrong's not up to a lot at the moment. We can massage his ego. Get him involved easily. And for that reason, we are going to be pursuing Olly's idea today. He's obviously very happy about that. That's the most visceral response I think I've seen to a successful pitch so far.

So it's very sweet. Rose, we'd love to thank you for your time and your fantastic idea. Is there anything you'd like to say? Oh, just thanks for giving me something more fun to do. That was, that was, it's just being good. What could be more fun than plotting to kill a bunch of rich men? Yeah, realistically. It's pretty fun.

It's not something that's generally encouraged in the schoolroom, so it's kind of fun, yeah. No. And Ollie, is there anything you'd like to say as you enjoy the taste of victory? I'd like to thank Rose for a great competitor. You know, it is, I do feel slightly guilty because when I was writing out my pitch, I just went straight to the bit that I was excited about, which was the killing part, and kind of forgot about the raising the money part and tried to cover that later. But, you know, at the end of the day, I think it is a solid idea.

I think we can go forward with this and build on it. and you know and also he's also going to be I know I'm not still pitching but feels like you are he would also be liquidizing

if he liquidizes a lot of his assets as well to get to space then purely just like on the numerical market you will get over that trillion yeah look I mean Ollie we're with you and it's not really up to us anymore it is up to those who will be sorry I know I just

I got defensive. That's my bad. I heard criticism. I went under the defence. I'm very sorry. Enjoy the feeling. We'll turn over your idea to the good people of the internet and the winners circle. And they will be deciding which ideas will advance even further. Thank you both so much for your time. Have a wonderful day. And we will see you when we see you. Probably in court. Yeah.

Thank you.